Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

SOLLUX: wake up diip2hiit.
SOLLUX: iit2 the fiir2t cla22 of the 2eme2ter there2 no way youre already thii2 tiired.

Karkat snaps awake, his head bobbing up from his chest as his roommate, Sollux, elbows him in the shoulder. Karkat flips him off, jabbing his own elbow hard into Sollux’s side. That lazy douche can suck it; he barely ever even comes to class anyway. Karkat glances up at the blackboard and, shit, he must have been out for a while. The words on the board are unfamiliar and the professor is prattling on about something called hash tables?

He had done pretty well in these classes last semester, but it wasn’t quite the cakewalk he had expected. He liked the way it sounded, to think of himself as a “hacker.” It just seemed badass. And when he told people at home he was going off to school to study computer science, they always reacted as if it was so smart, so pragmatic, like he was doing something important with his life. But with his previous programming knowledge coming mainly from movies, he was quickly hit with a dose of reality: this programming shit was boring as fuck.

It didn’t help that his roommate Sollux was basically this year’s computer science boy genius. The noise of Sollux’s keyboard was a constant reminder of Karkat’s inferiority both in ability and, unfortunately, passion for the subject. It seemed like Sollux already knew everything without even needing to come to lecture and, omitting his bafflingly successful recent forays into casual sex, the dude barely left home. Case in point, Karkat glances over to Sollux’s laptop to see him texting some girl he met at a party over the weekend.

Glancing at the clock, Karkat notes there’s only five minutes left of class, so he lets his mind wander. Unfortunately, the hopeless romantic part of his brain had kicked into overdrive recently. With new classes, new people, group projects… the meet cutes practically wrote themselves. Every time he found his mind wandering off into bullshit romantic fantasyland he had to bludgeon it back to reality. If last semester was anything to go by, he should not be letting himself get his hopes up for this.

He’s suddenly jolted out of the daydream by the mass exodus of students from the classroom. Sollux smacks him lightly on the head with a notebook.

SOLLUX: what2 up kk? lecture was two hard two keep up with?
KARKAT: WHAT ARE YOU EVEN INSINUATING, YOU GIANT IGNORAMUS? IT’S THE FIRST CLASS OF THE SEMESTER, SO OF COURSE I ALREADY KNEW ALL THIS SHIT. I WAS JUST SO FUCKING BORED.
KARKAT: INTRO LEVEL CLASSES LIKE THIS DONT EVEN COME CLOSE TO BEING INTELLECTUALLY STIMULATING TO A MASTER PROGRAMMER LIKE ME, SO I’M SAVING MY ENERGY FOR WHEN I’LL ACTUALLY FUCKING NEED IT.
KARKAT: BESIDES, AT LEAST I WASN'T SQUANDERING MY TUITION MONEY SIMPING ASS OVER HEELS FOR SOME CHICK THAT’S COMPLETELY OUT OF MY LEAGUE.
SOLLUX: whatever you 2ay KK. iim gonna need the room alone toniight at 9 cause feferii2 comiing over.
KARKAT: WHAT.
KARKAT: HOW IS IT EVEN REMOTELY POSSIBLE THAT A COMPLETE NERD LIKE YOU, WHO NEVER EVEN LEAVES OUR DORM, IS FUCKING ONE OF THE MOST POPULAR GIRLS IN SCHOOL? AND I DONT EVEN HAVE A CRUSH YET? THIS MAKES NO GODDAMN SENSE. IF IT’S SO FUCKING EASY TO FIND SOMEONE TO HOOK UP WITH HERE THAT EVEN AN ASSWIPE LIKE YOU HAS MANAGED IT, WHAT DOES THAT SAY ABOUT ME?
SOLLUX: 2ucks two 2uck ii guess. anyway2 2ee you later. dont even thiink about comiing back to the dorm before 11.

If it wasn’t enough for him to be jealous of Sollux academically, now he’s got a date/hookup/who even knows and Karkat’s been sexiled from the dorm room for the evening.

****

Karkat shows up to his next class a few minutes early, sliding into the front row. It’s technically a gen-ed class, philosophy, but Karkat’s always dreamed of writing a romance novel one day, and this is as good a chance as any to get some writing practice in.

About ten minutes into the lecture, the classroom door swings open suddenly, distracting Karkat from his note taking. Before he can even look over, the latecomer is striding past his desk and slouching down in the only open seat, right next to Karkat. Out of the corner of his eye, Karkat can see this kid is a classic bro type: floppy platinum blonde hair smooshed down under a baseball cap, a ridiculously bright red hoodie, and, what a tool, he’s wearing sunglasses indoors. The professor pauses slightly, acknowledging the new student with a nod before commenting that from now on attendance is mandatory and students should strive to be on time in order to not be penalized. The new kid holds up finger guns at the professor.

DAVE: you got it prof

Karkat rolls his eyes, focusing back on the board, as this “cool kid” starts messing around in his backpack. He pulls out a stack of crumpled, disorganized loose leaf sheets of paper and shuffles them around, seemingly trying to find a blank one to take notes on. Karkat gives him a pointed glare and, noticing, the kid holds up his hands in mock surrender for a second before carding through his papers slightly more quietly. Karkat tries to push the smug expression out of his mind as he pointedly returns his eyes to the blackboard.

For the rest of the class, Karkat is completely immersed in the lecture, even feeling excited to get started on the reading later today. Once the class ends and Karkat starts packing up his things, he feels a tap on his shoulder.

KARKAT: HEY, DON’T TOUCH ME FUCKFACE.

He snaps at the kid in the red hoodie, probably a little too loud, drawing some attention. For a second he thinks he sees a flash of surprise and panic across his face, before it reverts back to neutral.

DAVE: woah dude calm your tits
DAVE: i was just gonna ask if i can snap a pic of your notes from the start of the class
DAVE: i missed the first few minutes
KARKAT: YEAH, WELL, MAYBE YOU SHOULD BE GOING BACK TO KINDERGARTEN IF YOU’RE HAVING SO MUCH TROUBLE READING A CLOCK.

Karkat makes a point of shoving his notebook into his backpack and storms out of the classroom, shooting a glare over his shoulder.

****

Karkat steps outside, letting out a shiver and hugging a bulky grey coat tight around his shoulders and making a beeline to the bookstore. He would’ve actually enjoyed the class if it wasn’t for that giant insufferable prick wiping his ass all over it. He worked really hard to get into this school, and assumed this would be true of the rest of the students here. So it’s mystifying how there are always idiots who act like they just waltzed into college, seemingly both unable and unwilling to put up even a pretense of trying to be a halfway decent student.

Karkat doesn’t even want to think of this guy anymore. He just wants to think about how exciting the reading looked, how cozy he’ll be curled up in an armchair in the library, breathing in that new book smell later today, but he keeps getting derailed by the massive fucking shitstain this loser left over the entire memory of the class. And of course he made Karkat lose his shit in the first fucking class. Now everyone probably thinks he’s an overdramatic asshole for yelling at the cute cool kid. Well, generically cute maybe, but certainly not Karkat’s type. There’s no way he would’ve drawn so much attention to himself if it wasn’t for the obvious frat bro getup. But the rest of the class clearly fell for the facade; Karkat saw the way the gazes of other students lingered in his direction throughout the class. Hell, the attention slut probably did that whole walking in late stunt on purpose, just to get the whole class looking at him. Well, Karkat’s not going to give him that kind of attention anymore. He’s not going to let this asshole ruin the class for him. He’s not going to waste any more of his brainpower on lazy, stupid, immature bastards when he has so many better things to do with his time.

He painstakingly pushes all thoughts out of his mind for the next two minutes. Then he pulls out his phone.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering twinArmegeddons [TA]

CG: CONGRATULATIONS, YOU ARE NOW ONLY THE SECOND MOST ANNOYING PERSON I KNOW.
CG: YOU’RE NEVER GOING TO BELIEVE THE SHIT I JUST HAD TO PUT UP WITH.

Chapter Text

DAVE: get a load of this guy eh?

Dave slings an arm over the back of his chair, raising an eyebrow at the nearby students while tilting his head towards Karkat as he huffs out of the room. Who makes such a big deal about someone being a couple minutes late? And in fucking Phil 101 of all classes. The dude must be a major asslicker. Dave’s got way better shit to be doing with his time than this.

The girl sitting behind Dave lets out a deep, boisterous laugh. She slides her notes over to Dave to let him take a picture.

TEREZI: 4LR34DY G3TT1NG ON K4RK4TS BAD S1D3 ON TH3 F1RST D4Y OF CL4SS?
DAVE: hey dude thanks
DAVE: dude i have no clue who that guy is but hes fucking hilarious
DAVE: like man get a clue
TEREZI: H3 1S KNOWN 4ROUND C4MPUS FOR B31NG 4 B1T SHOUTY
TEREZI: PROB4BLY W4SNT 4 F4N OF YOUR COOL K1D ROUT1N3
DAVE: routine?
DAVE: girl im the coolest guy youll ever meet
TEREZI: SUR3
TERZI: B3C4S3 OBV1OUSLY COOL K1DS N33D TO DR3SS UP 1N WH4T LOOKS L1K3 4 GLOR1F13D FR4T BRO H4LLOW33N COSTUM3 ON 4 R4NDOM MOND4Y 1N ORD3R TO B3 R3COGN1Z3D 4S SUCH >;]
DAVE: damn dude
DAVE: you burned me so hard right there
DAVE: someone better call the ambulance like yo this shit burns harder than the pavement on an august day in houston
DAVE: and im accounting for the effects of global warming there too
TEREZI: WOW YOU R34LLY DONT SHUT UP
TEREZI: W3LL, LOOK1NG FORW4RD TO S331NG YOU 4ND CR4BBY P4NTS F1GHT 4G41N N3XT CL4SS
DAVE: uh sure man see you later

Dave waves to Terezi as he shoves his pile of papers into his backpack, and he slings it over one shoulder while sauntering out of the classroom. He curses under his breath as he steps outside, immediately picking up the pace. It’s bad enough being a native Texan experiencing his first ever east coast winter, but the situation is made significantly worse by the fact that he’s only wearing a baggy hoodie. Last week’s snowfall has melted into slush, and every time Dave steps into the street with his threadbare Converse he can feel his socks soaking through with freezing water. When he finally arrives at the dining hall, he is visibly shivering and his cheeks are burning from the sharp wind.

Catching a glimpse of himself in the lobby mirror and immediately cringing at the sight, Dave adjusts his sunglasses to better hide his red face and takes off his hat, pulling his hood snug around his face instead. Walking into the dining hall, he grabs some food and joins his friends John and Rose at their usual table.

DAVE: sup
JOHN: hi dave!
ROSE: Hello Dave.
JOHN: wow, you look cold! shouldn’t you have gotten a winter jacket by now?
DAVE: nah man
DAVE: what can i say im just a cool guy
DAVE: shits ice cold wherever i go eventually you just kinda get used to this shit
JOHN: dude, you do realize your hands are still like, shaking a little?

Rose and John make brief eye contact before Rose lets out a long sigh.

ROSE: I had hoped you might outgrow this absurd charade wherein you refuse to take care of yourself under the guise of some misguided notions about masculinity, but it appears not even a New York winter is capable of returning you to your senses on this matter.
DAVE: yeah and i hoped one day youd learn to stop talking like a pretentious douchebag
DAVE: and yet here we are
JOHN: haha, you guys are too much!
JOHN: so dave, what did you get up to today?
DAVE: not much
DAVE: had bio class this morning
DAVE: it was pretty fucking boring but next week is the first lab and we get to dissect a mink so im pretty hyped for that
JOHN: ewww dave! that’s so gross.
DAVE: nah bro its awesome
DAVE: way better than phil 101
DAVE: like oh my god this philosophy shit sucks so much worse than i couldve ever imagined
DAVE: like i was thinking no way this could be worse than talking to rose but it turns out its actually possible to have a stick farther up your ass than she does and trust me these philosophers have got a stick so far up their ass it came all the way back up out of their mouth
ROSE: Do you think of Plato sticking things up his ass often, Dave?
DAVE: wtf no shut up
DAVE: legit i had to keep propping my eyeballs open to stay awake
DAVE: its like the old timey equivalent of reading some pompous ass productivity bros substack page
DAVE: but then theyve also got like roses vocabulary on steroids and theyre using long ass metaphors
DAVE: you have to save me

John leans over to Rose, whispering loud enough for Dave to hear.

JOHN: maybe it’s good for him to have a taste of his own medicine for once.
DAVE: woah ok
DAVE: thats too far
DAVE: i am a goddamn delight i use normal words and talk about awesome shit
ROSE: Oh, our poor hero. How will he survive this arduous journey through the horrors of Philosophy 101.
ROSE: You know Dave, it’s a bit difficult to be overly sympathetic to your cause after listening to a nigh infinite number of long-winded metaphors from you.
DAVE: oh no you two cant gang up on me like this
DAVE: im done with this john your turn to talk
DAVE: what kind of shit did you get up to today
JOHN: oh man.
JOHN: you wouldn’t believe what i was just talking to rose about.
JOHN: we’re watching con air in my film class. this is gonna be the best class ever!
DAVE: oh god if you werent already way too annoying about that movie
DAVE: i didnt think it could get any worse
JOHN: it can!
JOHN: come on, you haven’t even watched it. you can’t judge it already!
DAVE: egbert i hate to tell you this but
DAVE: i think we gotta go on a break
DAVE: our bromance cant survive any more shitty movie analysis than it already does
ROSE: What a heartbreaking end to a beautiful and tender relationship. Pardon me as I find a tissue to dry the single tear welling up in the corner of my eye.
JOHN: haha dave, as if you can find anyone else willing to put up with you!
DAVE: as if
DAVE: everyones always trying to get up in my grill
DAVE: met this awesome chick in class today who was way cooler than you although the bar is kinda on the floor for that
DAVE: and then on the opposite side
DAVE: theres this guy in class whos even lamer than you egbert i didnt think it was possible
DAVE: although maybe you can give him a run for his money after this fucking film class
DAVE: he nearly tried to kill me after i asked to take a picture of his notes like i swear my life flashed before my eyes you shouldve seen the anger he was leveling at me
DAVE: but dont worry im gonna win him over with my sweet sweet strider charms
DAVE: hell hes probably just in denial
DAVE: doesnt wanna admit how much i got him worked up
DAVE: how hes dreaming bout my handsome mug every time he falls asleep in class
DAVE: at this rate imma have the whole class swooning over me before midterms just you watch
ROSE: Interesting.
ROSE: It seems that he has really gotten you “worked up” as well. Do I foresee the possibility of a real Dave Strider romance this semester?
DAVE: what the fuck no rose gross gross
DAVE: no this guy sucks
ROSE: Well regardless he is certainly, as you might say, “living rent free in your head.” You barely talked about this awesome girl you met and yet are in the midst of a full-on patented Strider spiral about a guy who "sucks." It would be interesting to explore why it is that negative interactions such as these so often cause you to become enamored with someone rather than positive ones.
ROSE: I do hope you two can reconcile next time you see each other.
DAVE: dude no were not gonna make out
DAVE: i mean
DAVE: make up
DAVE: he is legit so annoying you are completely off base with this therapy bullshit this time
DAVE: also basically every other time
DAVE: youre a disgrace to your major
DAVE: someone call the dean over here theyre gonna make you switch degrees

Dave checks his watch, noticing they’ve been at dinner for the past hour and a half.

DAVE: anyways imma head out
DAVE: you know me i got shit to do places to be

John waves at Dave as he heads off, while Rose shoots him a smirk.

ROSE: Oh yes, keep running away from your feelings Dave. I know you’ll come back to me when you’re ready.

Dave bundles up the best he can in his hoodie before going outside and running down a few streets to the library. Running around campus isn’t a cool look, but it’s dark and cold now and at least it's better than wearing some tacky puffer jacket. Besides, he only has to survive a few more weeks like this. It would be a waste of money to buy a proper coat when he’s made it this close to the finish line.

As much as Dave would love to be partying tonight, there’s nothing interesting happening on a Monday, and he’s got a scholarship to keep, so he trudges into the library for a long night of studying. He makes a beeline towards the stairs, on the way to his usual spot in the basement. Even though he’s generally a good student, going to the crowded quiet rooms feels way too nerdy. Besides, those losers on the main floor of the library spend more time shooshing other people than actually studying.

Glancing around as he walks through the building, he notices Karkat hunched over a book. Dave stifles a laugh as he imagines Karkat going off at him for being too loud in the library. That would be pretty funny, and Dave is almost tempted to throw something at him just to set him off until he reminds himself of the conversation with Rose and John. Feeling a bit of heat rise in his cheeks, he turns away and plods down the stairs to the basement.

He knows the teasing is all in good fun, but Rose is completely off base with this one. Sure, Dave’s going to get a kick out of pissing Karkat off this semester, but the idea that he would be into him romantically is a little insulting. Surely he can do better than what appears to be literally the grumpiest guy on campus. His type is sweet, nerdy, and surprisingly kind of buff guys, if his embarrassing teenage crush on John is anything to go off of. Rose thinking he would go for some ornery tryhard just shows how little she understands his type. He needs someone who’s just cringy and annoying enough to be fun to tease, not a complete asshole.

Dave tries not to think too much of Rose’s meddling, though. Ever since he came out last semester, she has made it her sacred duty to set him up with what seems like every guy on the island of Manhattan. She’s clearly grasping at straws here in a lame attempt to inject some interesting drama into their lives, especially now that she’s settled with her girlfriend. Isn’t it, like, a classic long term couple thing to try to stir up shit in their single friends’ lives?

Dave opens up the book they’ve been assigned for philosophy class. Might as well get the hardest reading out of the way first while his motivation is still high. He definitely has to do the reading for this class if he wants to shove it in Karkat’s face next time.

Chapter Text

Yeah, Karkat should’ve seen this shit coming.

The professor gestures for him and that hipster lunatic, “Dave Strider,” as if it was even possible to come up with a more obnoxious sounding name, to come up to the front of the class and hands Karkat a sheet of paper, directing them towards a pair of desks which have been pushed together. Today the class is supposed to get into groups and talk about the reading, and of course Karkat’s been placed in a group with the sunglass-wearing douchebag supreme donning a hoodie that’s approximately 3000 sizes too big. At least he’s ditched the backwards ballcap for today.

If Karkat was being totally honest, he was almost waiting for the curtain to drop and send his life back to shit after a surprisingly good week. As Karkat rode the burst of motivation that always seemed to come with a new semester, he’d spent the last two nights holed up in a corner of the library. He felt more than content as he hunched over his reading assignments, lost in concentration while chewing idly on a pen, scratching notes in the margins of his books. When he left the library he felt confident, looking forward to fighting anyone in class who disagreed with him on the reading. He didn’t even give Sollux that much shit for kicking him out of the dorm to do… nope. Karkat’s not thinking about that.

He spent the day before his next CS lecture grinding away in the library. It felt like he had to physically force his concentration to remain on topic. Every time he checked his watch, assuming he must have spent at least an hour or two diligently working through exercises and browsing the textbook, he’d be dismayed to realize only about thirty minutes had passed. How Sollux managed to do this shit all day was a mystery.

While he spent the rest of the day wishing he could’ve just gone home and curled up in bed with a good novel, he had to admit it was kind of rewarding to see how much he was learning. The next morning in lecture he was surprised to find himself following what was going on and even answering a few questions, even if it was just as boring as always. Of course this went straight to his ego, immediately pestering Sollux to brag the moment class ended.

CarcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling TwinArmegeddons [TA]

CG: HEY LOSER.
CG: YOU WERE TOO BUSY FUCKING AROUND TO COME TO CLASS TODAY AND NOW I'M THE NEW HOTSHOT HACKER.
CG: I ANSWERED ALL THE QUESTIONS.
CG: ALL OF THEM.
CG: NOW BASK IN THE GLORY OF MY BADASS HACKER SKILLS YOU LAZY FUCK.
TA: that2 ok KK ii dont an2wer questiion2 cau2e iim not a whiiny tryhard
TA: al2o what youre doiing iin that cla22 ii2nt really hackiing…
CG: HACKING, PROGRAMMING, IT’S ALL THE SAME.
CG: ALL THAT MATTERS IS THAT I’M WAY FUCKING BETTER THAN YOU AT IT.
TA: not really but whatever help2 you 2leep at niight
CG: JEALOUS MUCH?
CG: YOU’VE GOT COMPETITION NOW, CAPTOR.
TA: oh no iim 2o 2cared
TA: KK fiigured out how two make a 2hiitty hello world program and iit only took hiim 8 hours of 2creamiing at hii2 computer
TA: beliieve me ii am 2hiitiing my pant2 thii2 very moment
TA: anyway2 ii already know all that 2hiit 2o iim hangiing wiith AA today
CG: EXCUSES EXCUSES.
CG: I CAN RECOGNIZE YOUR BULLSHIT ATTEMPTS TO DISTRACT ME FROM YOUR OVERWHELMING INCOMPETENCE FROM A MILE AWAY.
CG: AND WHO THE FUCK IS AA???
TA: your 2aviior ii gue22
TA: you can have the room toniight iill be at her place
CG: WHAT THE FUCK.
CG: DO I EVEN WANT TO KNOW?
TA: ehehehehe iim ju2t kiickiing your a22 iin both romantiic and academiic liife a2 usual

His roommate’s bafflingly successful sex life was always a surefire way to send Karkat back to his usual self-loathing. And, if that was the first signal of his luck turning, getting stuck in a group with a dumbshit juvenile loser was a surefire sign that Karkat’s life was back to being a complete dumpster fire. Karkat grits his teeth as he looks over to see Dave smirking up at him, patting the desk next to him. If the professor was going to stick him in a group with some useless tool, he wishes it could’ve at least been an attractive one, not some ghostly pale fucker with a garishly bright hoodie who thinks he’s god’s greatest gift to the world.

DAVE: come on i dont bite
DAVE: you might actually though with that tantrum you threw last class maybe i should be scared
DAVE: i think you were supposed to grow out of that before college
DAVE: it was pretty funny though ill give you that
KARKAT: YOU MIGHT NOT BITE BUT YOU SURE AS HELL WON’T BE OF ANY FUCKING USE ANSWERING THESE QUESTIONS, SINCE I CAN’T IMAGINE A SELF-OBSESSED DIPSHIT LIKE YOU WOULD TAKE SOME TIME OUT OF A LOVELY EVENING OF SUCKING HIS OWN DICK TO DO THE GODDAMN READING.
KARKAT: SO I GUESS I’LL JUST HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING MYSELF.
DAVE: huh
DAVE: yeah less work for me sounds pretty awesome
DAVE: look at you vantas already offering to do my homework for me
DAVE: looks like im not the only one sucking my dick today
KARKAT: YOU ARE SUCH AN INSUFFERABLE PIECE OF SHIT.
KARKAT: DO YOU EVER TAKE YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR OWN ASS AND LOOK AROUND AND NOTICE THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE IN THE WORLD WHO DON’T THINK ABOUT YOU?
KARKAT: ALL I AM DOING HERE IS PREVENTING YOU FROM SHITTING ALL OVER MY WORK WITH YOUR VERBAL DIARRHEA.
KARKAT: NO, DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE TAKE THE PAPER. THIS IS MINE.

Karkat snatches the paper back from Dave and painstakingly erases a hastily drawn dick.

DAVE: that was my masterpiece how dare you
DAVE: that shit was going up in the louve
DAVE: the piece that ended my years of turmoil as a poor tortured artist all destroyed in the blink of an eye
DAVE: i guess its back to the streets for me
KARKAT: STOP THIS INANE DRIVEL RIGHT NOW. YOU ARE ONLY ALLOWED TO SAY THINGS THAT ARE ON TOPIC FOR THIS CLASS.
KARKAT: WHICH MEANS, GUESS WHAT? YOU AREN’T ALLOWED TO SAY JACK SHIT BECAUSE YOU CLEARLY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IS GOING ON.
KARKAT: I DON’T SUPPOSE YOU CAN COME UP WITH ANY EXAMPLES OF...

Karkat quickly glances over the question written at the top of the paper.

KARKAT: ...HOW KANT USES UNIVERSAL LAWS TO DETERMINE IF AN ACTION IS MORALLY GOOD? HMM?
DAVE: oh oh pick me pick me
DAVE: this is kindergarten shit
DAVE: lemme break it down for you
DAVE: lets say i have awesome music and i play it out loud on the subway
KARKAT: I ALREADY HATE MYSELF FOR ASKING YOU.
DAVE: now my boy kant made a test to tell if this is like a bad or good action
DAVE: and he was all like yo you gotta pretend that shit is a “universal law” which as far as i can tell means pretend that everyone else is doing the same shit you are
DAVE: now if it was just me you know my beats are straight fire like you wouldnt believe
DAVE: but if everyone was playing their own music at the same time on the subway obviously you got a couple problems
KARKAT: WHY DO I INSIST ON TORTURING MYSELF BY ASKING QUESTIONS TO IMBECILES WITH THE READING COMPREHENSION SKILLS OF AN AVERAGE THIRD GRADER?
DAVE: first of all most people have shit taste
DAVE: second of all you wouldnt even be able to make out my own shit over the sound of everyone blasting their terrible ass music and that would be a travesty
DAVE: so kants rule says nope thats like a contradiction so its morally wrong for me to play my music on the subway out loud cause it doesnt pass the universal law test
DAVE: but lowkey i think our dog kant kinda flopped with this one ngl
KARKAT: OH REALLY? PLEASE ENLIGHTEN ME AS TO WHY AN INSOLENT TOOL LIKE YOU THINKS HE’S BETTER EQUIPPED TO DETERMINE IF AN ACTION IS REALLY FUCKING ANNOYING THAN A MORAL PHILOSOPHER.
DAVE: well i think if your beats are as fire as mine its probably a public service to play that shit all the time
KARKAT: FUCK.
KARKAT: WHY DO I KEEP ASKING THE IDIOT QUESTIONS?
KARKAT: WHY DOES HE KEEP ANSWERING THEM?
DAVE: probably you wouldnt be so grumpy if you got to listen to my sweet flow on the train every morning
DAVE: why does this dude get to decide whats morally right or wrong anyways
DAVE: what even is a moral philosopher
DAVE: hes just like
DAVE: some guy

While Dave rambles on about how he thinks the mayor is going to give him some sort of award for raising the city’s collective sickness attribute by making everyone listen to his ill beats, Karkat opens his mouth. Closes it. Facepalms. Stops. Reevaluates. Stares at the ceiling in disbelief.

KARKAT: LOOK, THAT IS THE MOST ASININE EXAMPLE I THINK IT IS EVEN POSSIBLE TO COME UP WITH.
KARKAT: AND THE NOTION THAT YOUR BEATS ARE SUFFICIENTLY “FIRE” IS A CROCK OF SHIT. IF THERE IS ANY GOD IN THIS WORLD IT WILL ENSURE I NEVER GET STUCK ON A SUBWAY CAR WITH YOU.
KARKAT: BECAUSE I THINK I WOULD LITERALLY COMBUST FROM A FUCKED UP COMBINATION OF ANGER AND SECOND HAND EMBARRASSMENT.
KARKAT: BUT.
KARKAT: YOU AREN’T ENTIRELY WRONG?
KARKAT: EVEN IF YOUR ANALYSIS IS STUPID YOU CLEARLY DID DO THE READING?
KARKAT: IN THAT CASE YOU NEED TO MAKE YOURSELF FUCKING USEFUL AND HELP ME COME UP WITH AN EXAMPLE THAT ISN’T ABSOLUTE HORSESHIT TO DISCUSS WITH THE CLASS.

The two spend the next fifteen minutes arguing over the finer details of the reading, arguing back and forth about whether Dave’s examples make sense in the context of the text, whether Kant is even worth listening to, and the degree to which Strider’s beats can be classified as “ill.” The time they’re supposed to discuss flies by, and Karkat notices he’s actually a bit disappointed when the discussion opens up to the class as a whole. He maintains that Dave only has a surface level understanding of the text at best. But they have different opinions, and they can argue, and Karkat enjoys getting to wipe that smirk off Dave’s face whenever he comes up with a really good argument and refutes one of his points. Not to say that he’s enjoying Dave’s company, per se, but Karkat’s got antagonistic relationships with most of his friends. This is something he’s used to. He figures Dave kind of functions as a slightly shittier substitute Sollux, who can fulfill Karkat’s asinine conversation quota for the day while Sollux is off macking on half the school.

When class ends, Dave looks over at Karkat before heading off, raising an eyebrow.

DAVE: so did i win you over or what
KARKAT: YOU MANAGED TO BE MARGINALLY BETTER THAN COMPLETELY FUCKING USELESS.
DAVE: swoon
KARKAT: BUT THAT’S A BAR PRETTY MUCH EVERYONE IN THE CLASS MANAGED TODAY. SO CONGRATS ON ACHIEVING THE BARE MINIMUM. PROBABLY IT’S THE MOST YOU’LL EVER AMOUNT TO ANYWAY.
DAVE: yeah you too man
DAVE: later

****

After class, Karkat walks to a coffee shop to meet Jade, who he still hasn’t managed to catch up with since the new semester started. He notices she’s already sitting at a table with a black coffee for him while sipping some whipped cream peppermint syrup confection which vaguely resembles coffee as she writes down some incomprehensible math symbols in her notebook.

KARKAT: HEY, JADE.
JADE: karkat! I missed you over the break
JADE: how’s the new semester??
KARKAT: HORRIBLE.
JADE: i guess i should've figured you'd say that…
KARKAT: I HAVE THE MOST USELESS CLASSMATES OF ALL TIME.
KARKAT: I GOT PAIRED TO WORK WITH THIS FUCKING INCOMPETENT FRAT BRO HIPSTER DWEEB AND I’M GOING TO EITHER KILL HIM OR MYSELF BEFORE THE END OF THE SEMESTER.
JADE: wow, those are a lot of words which seem to be a bit…
JADE: contradictory?
JADE: can you be a dweeb and a frat bro? and a hipster?
KARKAT: THIS IS COMPLETELY BESIDE THE POINT. IMAGINE SOMEONE WHO’S SO INSUFFERABLE HE MANAGES TO MEET THAT CRITERION, AND YOU’LL BE APPROXIMATELY FIFTY PERCENT OF THE WAY TO UNDERSTANDING JUST HOW MUCH THIS GUY SUCKS ASS.
JADE: well karkat….. it is a part of college to learn to get along with people!
JADE: maybe having to work with someone who is so nasty will teach you to stop being so nasty
KARKAT: DAMN HARLEY, I GUESS I HAD THAT ONE COMING.
JADE: anyways i am too tired to lecture you today
JADE: i am here for drama!!
JADE: tell me what happened with dweeby hipster guy
KARKAT: HE’S LIKE THIS INFURIATING STOIC GUY WHO WANTS TO SEEM AS IF HE’S SO MUCH COOLER THAN EVERYONE AND DOESN’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ANYTHING.
KARKAT: AND EVERYTHING OUT OF HIS MOUTH IS SO RIDICULOUS AND LADEN WITH IRONY THAT YOU CAN’T ACTUALLY TELL IF HE’S BEING SERIOUS OR NOT.
KARKAT: YOU ALREADY KNOW I DON’T WANT TO DEAL WITH THOSE TYPES OF PEOPLE.
JADE: i mean, you do not like to deal with most types of people, but sure!
KARKAT: POINT TAKEN.
KARKAT: BUT HE DID ACTUALLY DO THE HOMEWORK? WHICH I KNOW, BARE MINIMUM, BUT I WASN’T EXPECTING THIS.
KARKAT: EXCEPT THAT HE IS ONLY CAPABLE OF TALKING ABOUT IT IN THE MOST DOGSHIT PREPUBESCENT WAY POSSIBLE.
KARKAT: AND DON’T GET ME WRONG IT WAS REALLY FUCKING ANNOYING. BUT IT WAS ALSO KIND OF FUN?
KARKAT: I KNEW WHATEVER HE WAS GOING TO SAY WOULD BE SO STUPID. BUT SIMULTANEOUSLY I WAS EXCITED FOR HIM TO FINISH SAYING HIS BULLSHIT SO I COULD USE MY SUPERIOR INTELLECT TO RIP HIM A NEW ONE.
KARKAT: DOES THAT MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE?
JADE: i think this is something that could only make sense to someone as angry as you!
JADE: do you feel this way when you fight with your other friends?
KARKAT: NO. WHEN MY FRIENDS SAY DUMB SHIT I TELL THEM IT'S DUMB BECAUSE I CARE ABOUT THEM AND WANT THEM TO KNOW. I TELL HIM HE’S DUMB BECAUSE HE IS INCAPABLE OF EVER NOT BEING DUMB AND I WANT TO RUB IT IN HIS FACE AND MAKE HIM FEEL BAD ABOUT IT.
JADE: i guess i don’t totally get it
JADE: but i do think it is sometimes fun to compete with people! even if you dont want to be friends with them
JADE: like sometimes it feels nice to outscore one of the know-it-alls in my class. maybe this is like that!
KARKAT: HUH. I DIDN’T THINK OF IT THAT WAY.
KARKAT: THANK JEGUS I GO TO YOU FOR ADVICE HARLEY INSTEAD OF ANY OF THE OTHER IDIOT FUCKWADS I CALL FRIENDS.
JADE: what can i say! i am the best
KARKAT: YEAH, OK, YOU CAN BE THE BEST FOR NOW. NOW GIVE ME ALL THE UPDATES FROM YOUR BREAK.
JADE: you wont believe it! so i met this girl nepeta…

****

After a good afternoon of catching up with Jade, Karkat heads back to his dorm, figuring he might as well take advantage of Sollux’s absence while he can. He’s pretty much caught up with his homework and deserves a break. While walking home, his mind naturally drifts again to his romantic situation, thinking of Sollux out with who knows who and of course Jade had to get a girlfriend. It makes him feel like an ass, but he just feels bitter and jealous. Not that he has feelings for either of them, but just this slight nervousness in his stomach, like he’s starting to fall behind, that it’s a little pathetic that he’s going home to another night of self-indulgent romance novels while his friends are out there experiencing the real deal.

It’s not like he’s really made a ton of effort on the meeting new people front. Hell, Strider’s the only new person he’s talked to all semester. But then again, his personality isn’t really most people’s cup of tea. He’s probably already befriended everyone on campus who would be willing to put up with his shit on a regular basis. At least Strider’s such an ass that Karkat doesn’t have to feel particularly guilty about gracing him with his presence. He curls up in bed with his laptop, putting on one of his comfort rom-coms to distract himself enough from these thoughts to finally fall asleep.

Chapter Text

“Snoop Doggy Dogg... Snoop Doggy Dogg... From the depths of the sea, back to the block...”

Dave slaps vaguely in the direction of his phone, releasing a loud grunt into his pillow as his alarm goes off for the nth time this morning. He finally turns off the alarm instead of just hitting snooze and unlocks his phone to peruse his notifications until he sees... FUCK! His work shift is starting in 20 minutes.

The jolt of adrenaline launches him straight out of bed and into the shortest shower of his life before throwing on his work uniform, thankfully just a fairly innocuous grey t-shirt with the company logo, and zipping up his trusty hoodie over it. He pushes his shades onto his face and shoves his keys in his pocket before running down the stairs and out the door.

Dave walks into Alternia’s cafe with two minutes to spare, running into the back to clock in, toss his hoodie into a locker and put on his name tag. Dave takes a minute to look in the mirror, desperately fluffing his sopping wet hair with his numb freezing hands in an attempt to look at least mildly presentable before the customers start showing up.

Walking back out to the counter, his coworker Roxy is already cleaning up and getting ready to open, so Dave shoots her a quick wave and walks over to start setting up the tables and chairs in the seating area. Roxy’s a couple years older than him, but over the past few months working together they’ve built up a good rapport and she’s pretty chill all things considered, always willing to punch in for him if he shows up a bit late or cover a shift if he’s got a gig. Although they’ve never really hung out outside of work yet, they’re starting to become decent friends; Dave’s started to think of her like a cool older sister, always giving him advice with classes and general college life. It helps that she’s a biology major as well.

ROXY: daveyyyyy
ROXY: woooow u look like a wet cat
ROXY: u must be freezing u poor thing
DAVE: aw shit is it that bad?
ROXY: nooooo ur still a cutie dw
ROXY: esp takin down all those chairs for me w ur big big muscles ;)
ROXY: lemme make u a coffee. god knows i could use one too this morn
ROXY: im barely keepin my eyelids open these weekend shifts are the absolute worst amiright
DAVE: yea bro this shit sucks
DAVE: can i get a coffee but like
DAVE: with so much milk and sugar that it doesnt taste like coffee
ROXY: aw ur my kinda guy dave
ROXY: like damn
ROXY: they rly made 2 weirdos who dont like coffee the big bosses of the campus coffee shop today huh
ROXY: genius level idea

Roxy hands Dave his coffee as they finish setting up and open the door for the first few customers to start to trickle in. Roxy takes customer orders for the start of the shift while Dave settles in making the coffees. It’s a kind of mindless work that still feels productive, and Dave lets the muscle memory take over as he hums tunes to himself and mumbles rap lyric ideas under his breath. The one perk of working early in the morning on the weekend is that it’s generally pretty slow, and after the influx of customers right after the shop opens, he’s able to spend most of the time joking around with Roxy behind the counter. The two of them are arguing over the cafe playlist when the door chimes and Dave looks up to see Karkat entering.

Their eyes meet and Karkat freezes, hand still on the door, looking as if he’s mentally calculating whether the interaction will be more or less awkward if he just goes back out the door. But once you’re in this kind of situation, there really is no getting out without making it even worse, so Karkat straightens himself and walks up to the counter, a resigned expression on his face.

Dave immediately feels a pit of nervousness pooling in his stomach. It's always a bit weird running into someone he knows at work; it makes it a bit more difficult to keep up his cool kid demeanor, to maintain an upper hand on the conversation. As Karkat approaches, he mentally relaxes the features of his face, loosening his muscles and leaning against the counter as if he wasn’t even mildly perturbed by Karkat’s entrance. Slinging an arm on top of a coffee machine, he looks down at Karkat’s cute, wind-tousled hair and grumpy expression, shooting him a relaxed grin as he drawls,

DAVE: well if it isnt my boy karkalicious
DAVE: you go one day without me and you miss me so much you show up at work
DAVE: like damn kinda comin on strong man
DAVE: kinda givin stalker vibes
DAVE: lucky for you i like the jealous type

Dave starts to give Karkat a wink before realizing he won’t be able to see shit behind his shades. Karkat grips the counter hard enough to turn his knuckles white and looks about five seconds away from starting another huge tantrum.

KARKAT: IF YOU WRITE DOWN A SHITTY NICKNAME ON MY COFFEE CUP I’LL BE SURE TO WRITE A YELP REVIEW OF THIS PLACE IN WHICH I DESCRIBE, IN EXCRUCIATING, GAUDY DETAIL, HOW THE ATROCIOUS CUSTOMER SERVICE HERE WAS ALMOST BAD ENOUGH TO MAKE ME FORGET ABOUT THE FACT THAT MY COFFEE TASTED LIKE IF YOU LIQUIFIED THE STALE VOMIT WHICH DRIED TO THE BUSHES OVERNIGHT AFTER A CAMPUS PARTY, AND THEN ADDED TWO MORE SQUIRTS OF HORSE SEMEN FOR GOOD MEASURE. DO YOU REALLY WANT THAT DAVE?

Dave does his best to stifle a giggle, but then quickly switches into damage control mode once Roxy and two customers shoot a glare in his direction. Karkat may be fun to antagonize but it’s rapidly becoming obvious that work is not the place to indulge in this particular vice.

DAVE: ok dude look
DAVE: love the metaphor but i dont think our usual customers have quite the same refined palate as we do with regards to potty humor
DAVE: so if you can use your inside voice for now if you even know how to do that i will get you some coffee that doesnt taste like piss and i will spell your name properly on your cup
DAVE: do we have a deal

Karkat glances around and blushes a bit as he catches a few of the other customers looking at him, as if he didn’t realize he was starting to make a scene. Dave quickly pushes any thoughts that this might be in any way kind of endearing out of his mind as Karkat sheepishly responds at a more normal volume.

KARKAT: JUST FANTASTIC. FIRST I GET TO DEAL WITH YOUR NAUSEATINGLY SOPHOMORIC DIALOGUE, AND AFTER I GET TO FLAGELLATE MYSELF FOR MY OWN INFANTILE RANTING.
KARKAT: THIS DAY COULDN’T BE OFF TO A WORSE START AND OH, GUESS WHAT? I HAVE PRETTY MUCH ONLY MY OWN FUCKING SELF TO BLAME FOR IT. WHAT A GODDAMN SURPRISE.
DAVE: i mean dont beat yourself up too much for it
DAVE: this is probably gonna be the highlight of my shift so
DAVE: this very moment i am debating if i am sufficiently magnanimous to risk losing my job in favor of granting the world what is sure to be the most hilarious one star yelp review of all time
DAVE: id be like the jesus of shitty yelp reviews
DAVE: but unfortunately i cant get fired right now
DAVE: anyways what can i get you
KARKAT: JUST A BLACK COFFEE. AS IF I WOULD TRUST YOUR INCOMPETENT ASS TO MAKE ANYTHING MORE COMPLICATED THAN THAT.

Dave makes a show of grabbing a coffee cup and painstakingly writing down Karkat’s name correctly while Karkat glares at Dave’s hands (with an occasional glance shooting up to Dave’s bare arms) as he slowly writes down each letter. Karkat finally gives an approving nod and lets out a bit of a smirk once Dave finishes spelling it correctly, and Dave can’t help but notice Karkat has a cute little chipped tooth jutting out of his mouth.

KARKAT: WOW, LOOK AT YOU, MANAGING TO SPELL A SIMPLE SIX LETTER NAME CORRECTLY. THE FACT THAT YOU OCCASIONALLY SURPASS MY UNFATHOMABLY LOW EXPECTATIONS FOR YOU HAS SINGLE-HANDEDLY RESTORED MY FAITH IN HUMANITY.
DAVE: aw karkat you always say the sweetest things
DAVE: anyways whatre you up to today man
KARKAT: WELL, I WAS GOING TO SWITCH UP MY STUDY ROUTINE AND READ HERE INSTEAD OF IN THE LIBRARY. BUT CLEARLY GIVEN YOUR PRESENCE HERE THAT WAS A HORRIBLE FUCKING IDEA.
KARKAT: SO I’LL BE GOING TO THE LIBRARY AND WORKING TODAY. AND I WOULD HOPE YOU PLAN TO DO THE SAME SO YOU CAN BE SLIGHTLY BETTER THAN DEAD WEIGHT IF WE GET PAIRED UP IN CLASS AGAIN ON MONDAY.

Dave was also planning to go to the library after his shift, but he’ll be damned before he lets Karkat in on the fact that his weekend plans mainly consist of cornering himself in a basement cubicle in the library like a complete nerd. He figures he might as well invite Karkat to a party he’s DJing at tonight.

DAVE: woah dude you gotta lighten up its the weekend
DAVE: that sounds so totally boring how are you such a hardass
DAVE: you just gotta read the sparknotes and then youll have a free evening
DAVE: oh and since you clearly dont have anything going on tonight
DAVE: you should go to sig ep im DJing at their party tonight and i can get you in for free
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK IS SIG EP?
DAVE: are you kidding
DAVE: dude have you never been to a frat party?
DAVE: like you actually have no life
DAVE: i mean i figured as much given your personality but like
DAVE: damn
DAVE: oh karkat im gonna show you how to live
DAVE: just one night of listening to my fresh beats and im gonna kick the grumpy tryhard straight out of you

When Dave focuses back on Karkat, he’s looking down and not meeting Dave’s eyes. The usual anger is gone from his expression and replaced by a mix of embarrassment and bitter disappointment.

KARKAT: WELL, EVEN IF I’M A TRYHARD LOSER I’M STILL BETTER THAN SOME DUMBASS PRETENDING TO BE COOL TO HIDE FROM HOW MASSIVELY BRAINDEAD I AM.
KARKAT: GOD DAMN IT.
KARKAT: I DIDN’T COME TO UNIVERSITY TO LISTEN TO A SHITFACED JOCK MASQUERADING AS “COOL” TRY TO CONVINCE ME THAT A NIGHT OF SHITTING MY BRAINS OUT IS A GOOD USE OF MY TIME.
KARKAT: YOU WILL THINK BACK TO THIS DAY IN FOUR YEARS, WHEN I AM A BADASS HACKER AND YOU’RE STILL AN “ASPIRING DJ,” AND YOU WILL WISH YOU COULD LAY YOURSELF PROSTRATE BEFORE ME AND BEG ME TO SAVE YOU FROM YOUR PATHETIC, HEDONISTIC VICES.
KARKAT: GROW THE FUCK UP.
DAVE: damn dude this is kinda cringe
DAVE: like i understand you gotta study but im legit just inviting you to a party
DAVE: killing the vibes here lowkey
DAVE: anyways heres your coffee
DAVE: if you change your mind just be sure to give my name at the door
KARKAT: IF YOU THINK THAT AFTER GOING THROUGH THIS EMBARRASSING DISPLAY RIGHT NOW I’D BE WILLING TO DISPARAGE MYSELF FURTHER BY SPENDING EVEN ONE MORE GODDAMN SECOND IN YOUR PRESENCE, THEN YOU’RE EVEN MORE MORONIC THAN I THOUGHT. LATER DIPSHIT.

Roxy immediately comes back up to Dave after the door slams closed behind Karkat.

ROXY: sooooooo....
ROXY: that was kinda awk
ROXY: spill the hot goss u got w mr mcshouty over there
DAVE: ugh
DAVE: it isnt even gossip really
DAVE: i think hes just like that with everyone
ROXY: nah bud skill issue
ROXY: he comes in sometimes and hes always a bit loud but u know
ROXY: he never threw a cute lil temper tantrum for me
DAVE: well hes just this guy in my phil class right
DAVE: and that class sucks so bad but his rants are just so beautiful and its so easy to set him off so you know i gotta
DAVE: like who else is gonna compare our coffee to vomit in such a poetic manner
DAVE: say what you will about the guy but hes got a gift
DAVE: anyways i feel like it was just part of our normal friendly banter in class like
DAVE: i act like a dumb jock
DAVE: he calls me stupid
DAVE: i say something vaguely intelligent at some point and he gives me like a microcompliment disguised as an insult
DAVE: repeat ad infinitum
DAVE: but i guess i kind of figured neither of us was really taking it that seriously
ROXY: but that did seem a lil serious...
DAVE: well yea today i feel like it was a bit more scathing than usual
DAVE: or he looked kind of sad when normally he just looks angry
DAVE: maybe one of us went too far but im not really sure who and at what point
DAVE: or maybe it was never really friendly to him in the first place
ROXY: i mean u were maybe a bit mean
ROXY: like dont get me wrong he was a big pretentious douche too
ROXY: but dam son u dont gotta go so hard on him for being a tryhard or hate on his social life. ofc hes gonna be a lil sensitive about that u know how it goes
ROXY: first year of college erybodys tryin to look smart and cool and social
ROXY: even if u were joking which im sure u were maybe it wasnt the best place to hit. although tbf he also dished it out at you a lil too hard at the end there...
ROXY: im sure u can find a better way to send him off on those cute lil rants u seem to like so much ;)

Dave lightly blushes for just a second. Part of him wants to argue that if Karkat’s willing to dish it out he should also be able to take it, but he’s also starting to feel regret pooling his stomach as he thinks about Karkat’s kind of disappointed face. Maybe Karkat just has a sadder face than the average person and that’s what’s making Dave feel so uncharacteristically sympathetic. Or maybe he’s just starting to grow up. Either way, Roxy’s advice is a lot more mature than anything Dave would’ve arrived at on his own.

DAVE: thanks roxy
ROXY: u know it
ROXY: hey maybe hell still show up to ur party
ROXY: if ur not such a dickhead maybe he gives u another shot u never know
DAVE: ugh
DAVE: anyways
DAVE: for your s-tier advice you also earn an invite to my party
ROXY: awww davey
ROXY: am so honored truly
ROXY: but i gots way cooler shit tonite than freshman parties no offense
ROXY: some other time we will hang where i dont have to be surrounded by a bunch of kids who havent learned to hold their liquor
DAVE: all good
DAVE: anyways i get off in five so im gonna pack up?
ROXY: o but wait 1 sec
ROXY: i got u a christmas present!
DAVE: oh shit man you didnt have to do that
ROXY: no no i wanted to!

Roxy pulls out a red scarf and presents it to Dave with a huge grin. Dave immediately stuffs all of the overwhelming emotions he feels whenever he’s given a gift in the back of his head to deal with later as he gingerly takes the scarf from Roxy.

ROXY: look! now we can match
ROXY: u always look so cold when u come in and its pullin on my heartstrings tbh
ROXY: even if ur too cool to wear a proper coat u can at least wear this
ROXY: i mean i wear a scarf all the time and anyone can tell a mile away how sick and fashionable i am
DAVE: holy shit roxy this is so rad
DAVE: i cant believe i didnt get you something
ROXY: no way u r just a broke kid
ROXY: u can get me a present when ur older and done a couple internships and have some money
ROXY: even tho i will prob still see u as a cute kid then too
ROXY: anyways get out of here already

Dave walks back to his locker and throws on his hoodie, wrapping Roxy’s scarf tightly around his face before heading out. It’s so much more bearable being out in the cold with this, the wind not biting at his ears and nose quite as harshly as usual. It's always a bit embarrassing, though, the way that perverse mix of guilt and fondness starts to stir in his chest every time a friend goes out of their way to do something nice for him. He’s certain it must be odd to get so emotional over what must be for others just a routine display of amity. But even after years of birthday presents from John, friends showing up at his musical ventures, Rose putting away a bowl of leftovers in the fridge for him whenever she and Kanaya cook, he still can’t seem to shake the overwhelming feeling of inadequacy that always arises in the presence of such overt displays of platonic affection. He’s much more comfortable when this kind of kindness is couched in at least three layers of irony and a couple of insults for plausible deniability. It makes his chest ache when he thinks too hard about how lucky he is to have these people in his life, and he hates and craves the feeling with every ounce of his being. He wonders when they’ll start to realize how much better they can do than him.

Dave turns towards the library, finally pushing those feelings out of his head as the ache in his chest becomes stronger and he feels his eyes start to well up. He’s got some biology homework and the goddamn reading Karkat wouldn’t shut up about, and he’ll have to get at least some of it done before the party tonight if he’s going to have any hope of finishing before Monday. Without really understanding why, he starts to feel a bit hopeful that Karkat will show up tonight. He’s already been so lucky with his friends so far, who’s to say it won’t happen again?

Chapter Text

Karkat slams the door of the coffee shop. Who even gives a fuck if he makes a scene? It’s not like he’ll be going back anytime soon, if fucking Dave Strider of all people is still working there. Karkat doesn’t know shit about running a cafe, but he figures hiring an idiot who insults his own customers doesn’t exactly represent the pinnacle of business acumen. Fuck it. If there’s anything this city has in abundance, its cafes. He’ll find somewhere else.

Karkat knows there’s no way he will be able to focus on studying now that he’s all worked up. Re-routing himself back to his dorm, he runs through the conversation over and over again in his head. It’s ridiculous that he ever thought Dave might be kind of fun, that he could hate his personality but still kind of enjoy… the act of hating him? But this wasn’t fun at all. Dave’s been a jackass from the very beginning, trying to lure him in by occasionally saying something not totally stupid, when his plan was probably always to just embarrass and make fun of Karkat, preferably in front of other people, so he can look cool, calm and collected while Karkat’s just your typical laughing stock. Despite a lifetime of experience dealing with these kinds of people, Karkat’s amazed to see that he’s fallen for it again.

As he walks home, the bitterness morphs into something closer to sadness, as he fully lets himself consider the comment that set him off so much in the first place. What kind of stool does Dave have to stand on, commenting about the social life of someone he doesn’t even know? So what if he’s a nerd? He’s got friends who he sees all the time, thank you very much. He goes to parties with Sollux and they have the time of their life! Dave wouldn’t even know half the awesome shit they get up to, and if he did he would be jealous of how much fun Karkat’s having while still acing all his classes. All those nights getting plastered, watching Sollux try to hit on girls way out of his league. What a riot! And then Sollux making out with some girl for the whole rest of the party while Karkat drinks in the corner. But that’s fine! He’s so happy for his friends! And that’s just how college is! You’re supposed to make dumb decisions, have your sexual-romantic awakening in a sweaty dorm party and get roasted by your friends for it the next morning. And Karkat’s more than happy to play the role of this friend, simultaneously chastising and helping Sollux throughout his romantic endeavors. But goddamn if he doesn’t feel undesirable every time he thinks about the fact that the roles have yet to be reversed. And that he just has to watch as his friends value their embarrassing, usually regrettable attempts at romantic connection above their genuine fucking friendship with him every single goddamn time.

He can already see it happening; he can recognize the signs from a mile away. When Jade started taking longer than usual to respond to his messages over the break, he knew what was coming before she even mentioned Nepeta’s name. This was just how it went. How could he expect his friends to put him first when they literally had something which was, as it was so often described, “more than friends.” He can’t even blame them, really. Karkat would be lying to himself if he thought he wouldn’t do the exact same thing if he had a relationship. He’s more obsessed with that shit than anyone else, subsisting on a steady diet of rom-coms and bodice rippers for years, analyzing each relationship troupe, fantasizing about his perfect partner, planning his future wedding down to every detail. It just sucks that it doesn’t seem to be in the cards for him at the current moment, as he watches all his other friends get swept off their fucking feet, and he’s just the backup option, the third wheel. He just wants someone who will put him first for a change. It wouldn't even have to be romantic, really.

But wait. Wasn’t this feelings-jam supposed to be about how immature Strider was being, instead of turning into a useless pity party? But of course it isn’t really Strider who’s the problem. It’s Karkat. It’s always Karkat. And Strider’s just the one who happened to be perceptive enough to notice how much of a loser Karkat is and use it to his advantage. Can he really even blame the guy?

Karkat arrives home hoping to nap away his feelings before getting back to work, but of course he finds Sollux curled up on the lower bunk, glaring into his phone.

KARKAT: YOU’RE NEVER GOING TO FUCKING BELIEVE THE SHIT I HAD TO PUT UP WITH TODAY, AND IT’S NOT EVEN NOON.
SOLLUX: KK iim not really in the mood for your rant of the day.
KARKAT: FUCK OFF. I’M THE ONE WHO’S BEEN LISTENING TO ALL YOUR ROMANCE PROBLEMS THIS WHOLE WEEK AND HELPING YOU OUT EVEN THOUGH I’M BASICALLY ONE HUNDRED PERCENT SURE IT’S YOU WHO’S THE PROBLEM.
SOLLUX: well iim not actually 2ure iid call iit romantiic 2o much a2...
KARKAT: NOT HELPING YOUR CASE!!
KARKAT: ANYWAYS, GUESS WHO I RAN INTO AT ALTERNIA’S.
KARKAT: THE ASSHOLE FROM MY PHIL CLASS. I GUESS HE WORKS THERE?
KARKAT: SO NOW I CAN NEVER GO BACK TO WHAT USED TO BE MY FAVORITE CAFE.
KARKAT: AND, GOD, HE WAS JUST BEING SO STUPID. SO OF COURSE I HAD TO PUT HIM IN HIS PLACE. GIVE HIM SOME ADVICE. SOME BRUTAL HONESTY FOR HIS OWN GOOD. GOD KNOWS HE ISN’T GOING TO GET IT FROM ANYONE ELSE.
KARKAT: BUT I GUESS RATHER THAN THANKING ME, HE JUST GOT BUTTHURT ABOUT IT. IDIOTS LIKE HIM CAN NEVER FACE THE FUCKING FACTS.
SOLLUX: ye2 ii am 2ure thii2 ii2 exactly how that conver2atiion happened.
KARKAT: SO THEN HE STARTED MAKING FUN OF ME, PROBABLY JUST TO FEEL BETTER ABOUT HIMSELF.
KARKAT: AND TO TOP IT OFF, HE INVITED ME TO THIS STUPID SIG EP PARTY??
KARKAT: AS IF I WOULD BE CAUGHT DEAD AT SUCH AN IMMATURE OUTING.
KARKAT: PROBABLY HE JUST WANTS TO SHOW OFF THAT HE CAN GET INTO SOME LAME EXCLUSIVE PARTY. OR MAYBE HE JUST WANTS ME TO SHOW UP SO HE CAN NOT LET ME IN AND LORD IT OVER ME FOREVER? THE POSSIBILITIES FOR HUMILIATING ME ARE ENDLESS.
SOLLUX: yea becau2e ii alway2 iinviite the people ii hate two my partiie2 two show off? KK grow the fuck up.
SOLLUX: and you go two partiie2 all the tiime what are you even 2ayiing.
SOLLUX: but now we are ab2olutely going two that party.
SOLLUX: you have to get me iin.
KARKAT: DID YOU NOT HEAR LITERALLY ANY OF WHAT I JUST SAID?
SOLLUX: ii do not care about any of your 2tupiid iimmature b2.
SOLLUX: fef2 gonna be there and you know 2he2 been leaviing me on read all week 2iince 2he 2aw me wiith AA.
SOLLUX: iim a dude there2 no way were gettiing iinto a frat wiithout your guy lettiing u2 iin.
KARKAT: NO. JUST NO.
KARKAT: DO YOU EVEN REALIZE THE EXTENT TO WHICH THIS WOULD DESTROY ME IN MY BATTLE TO THE EGO DEATH AGAINST STRIDER? HE JUST WANTS ME TO GO SO HE CAN PISS ALL OVER ME IN FRONT OF ALL HIS FRIENDS. METAPHORICALLY.
KARKAT: THIS WOULD BE EFFECTIVELY EQUIVALENT TO HAVING STRIDER STUFF MY MORAL HIGH GROUND RIGHT UP MY ASS, AND THEN LETTING HIM PISS ON IT FOR EXTRA GOOD MEASURE AS IT DRIPS BACK OUT.
KARKAT: IT’S SOCIAL SUICIDE.
SOLLUX: youre liiterally 2o gro22.
SOLLUX: thii2 ii2 so embarra22iing ii don’t under2tand how you have any friiend2 when you 2ay 2hiit liike thiis.
SOLLUX: ii don’t even care iif you 2tay you just have two get me iin.
SOLLUX: but iit2 2uppo2ed two be liike the biigest party of the 2eme2ter.
KARKAT: NO. THAT’S FINAL.
SOLLUX: there2 going two be lot2 of baddiies there.
SOLLUX: iill wiingman you.
KARKAT: NO.
SOLLUX: iill help you wiith your programmiing homework.
SOLLUX: a2 iif ii havent notiiced you procra2tiinatiing on iit iin order two overachiieve iin cla22e2 that are completely iiirrelevant to your major.

…Ok, that’s actually pretty useful.

KARKAT: FUCK. I CANNOT BELIEVE I’M GOING TO AGREE TO THIS. IN A COUPLE OF HOURS I AM GOING TO REGRET THIS; I JUST KNOW IT.
KARKAT: I WILL GET YOU IN, IF YOU AGREE TO MY CONDITIONS.
KARKAT: 1. YOU MUST WINGMAN ME SO SUCCESSFULLY THAT BY THE END OF THE PARTY MY SOCIAL POPULARITY WILL ECLIPSE THAT OF YOU AND STRIDER COMBINED.
KARKAT: 2. YOU WILL HELP ME WITH MY PROGRAMMING HOMEWORK WHENEVER I NEED IT FOR THE REST OF THE MONTH.
SOLLUX: best ii can do ii2 the homework plu2 ii will try two get you a 2ingular 2mooch.
KARKAT: WHATEVER. FINE. I’M GOING TO THE LIBRARY NOW, SO THAT I DON’T WASTE THE ENTIRE DAY ON OTHER PEOPLE’S BULLSHIT. I WILL BE BACK AT 10, AND WE WILL GO THEN. HAVE FUN WALLOWING IN THE CONSEQUENCES OF YOUR OWN ROMANTIC INEPTITUDE UNTIL THEN.

****

Karkat and Sollux turn down to the street where the brownstone housing the fraternity is. The entire block is filled with drunk students, at least half of which probably don’t even go to their school. Karkat certainly doesn't recognize any of these people. Intoxicated chatter fills the block, punctuated by the occasional shriek or whoop. Sloppy makeouts have unfortunately already begun in the line.

SOLLUX: fef2 probably already iin2iide
SOLLUX: where2 your guy? can you text hiim?
KARKAT: I DON’T HAVE HIS CHUMHANDLE.
SOLLUX: wtf? then how are we goiing two get iin? the liine2 down the block.
KARKAT: I DIDN’T EVEN THINK I WAS GOING TO COME UNTIL YOU FORCED ME TO. AND I’M JUST HERE TO WATCH YOU STRIKE OUT AGAIN WITH A CHICK WHO FINALLY CAME TO HER SENSES AND REALIZED SHE’S COMPLETELY OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE.
KARKAT: EVEN I CAN’T ROOT FOR YOU IN THIS.
SOLLUX: ii would have thii2 all under control iif you could just get us iin two the FUCKIING party.
SOLLUX: were gonna push through two get two the bouncer.

They push through the crowd, Sollux leading the way. At some point a fratty looking guy waving his arms about accidentally spills some of his drink on Karkat, prompting an outburst.

KARKAT: WHAT THE HELL. YOU’RE NOT EVEN ALLOWED TO DRINK ON THE STREET YOU IDIOT. THE FACT THAT YOU’RE HIDING IT IN A PAPER BAG ISN’T FOOLING ANYMMFFFFFFFFF

Sollux clamps a hand over Karkat’s face, dragging him away.

SOLLUX: 2top beiing anal iin front of the bouncer.
SOLLUX: your viibe2 are 2o ranciid iits a wonder youve ever gotten iin anywhere.

The bouncer looks up at the two of them after they finish pushing to the front, indicating to Sollux there’s no way they’re getting in unless they bring a few girls. Karkat watches Sollux argue with the bouncer, arms crossed in front of himself, selfishly hoping they don’t get let in. The arm of his sweater is soaked and everything smells like beer and sweat. He’s getting elbowed left and right and is feeling the beginnings of a headache setting in behind his left eyebrow. He’s contemplating whether going to this party is even worth it to not have to deal with a mopey Sollux for the next week when he feels an arm on his shoulder.

DAVE: yo man you made it come on in
DAVE: bring your angry boyfriend too
DAVE: god the two of you make a pair
SOLLUX: iif you thiink were together you miight actually be dumber than even KK made you out two be.
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK. THAT’S MY ROOMMATE YOU PRESUMPTUOUS TOOL. AND THIS PARTY TOTALLY SUCKS. SO IF YOU CAN GET YOUR HAND OFF ME, I’M GOING TO GO GET SUFFICIENTLY WASTED SO THAT I CAN ACTUALLY TOLERATE A FEW HOURS IN THIS TRASH HEAP.

Dave stares at Karkat in silence, Karkat feeling uncomfortable under his gaze. What the fuck is wrong with him, is this some intimidation tactic or something? A few seconds past when the awkwardness sets in, Dave starts to giggle like a maniac.

DAVE: dude youre even funnier when im blazed we have got to meet this way more often
DAVE: lets go get you guys schwasted

Directly inside the townhouse is a “bar” area on which there sits a few huge buckets of what Karkat can only guess is some kind of disgusting alcoholic beverage.

DAVE: so what can i get for my esteemed guests
DAVE: i am hospitable as fuck so let me offer you a selection of our finest beverages
DAVE: we got
DAVE: jungle juice
DAVE: and
DAVE: more jungle juice

Dave devolves into a fit of giggles once again, Karkat and Sollux giving each other a resigned glance before filling up a cup with the punch. Karkat takes a tentative sip before coughing uncontrollably.

KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT
KARKAT: IT JUST TASTES LIKE RUBBING ALCOHOL, THAT A FRUIT FARTED VAGUELY IN THE DIRECTION OF.
DAVE: uh i mean they didnt have a huge budget left after paying me slightly over minimum wage for this
DAVE: you know im very in demand these days
DAVE: everyone wants a piece of strider all fucking day im having to turn down requests left and right cause i just got so much on my plate
DAVE: its so exhausting having to choose who deserves the honor of some undivided time with yours truly
DAVE: tragic even
DAVE: youre lucky youre so charming vantas otherwise youd have to survive the infinitely sad fate of a night without getting to see my handsome face
DAVE: anyways i think the drinks just everclear and coolaid
KARKAT: FUCK.
KARKAT: WELL THEN AT LEAST IT’LL GET ME DRUNK ENOUGH TO SURVIVE A NIGHT LISTENING TO YOUR MUSIC.
SOLLUX: yea iim not dealiing wiith you two
SOLLUX: dave do you know iif feferii2 here
DAVE: damnnnn bro youre lookin for fef?
DAVE: you got more rizz than i expected
DAVE: she’s already on the dancefloor in the basement
SOLLUX: iim out of here

As Sollux leaves, Dave settles against the bar next to Karkat, lowering his voice so Karkat has to lean in to hear him.

DAVE: yo but bro for real im so glad you came
DAVE: ive been feelin hells of weird about earlier but it seems it didnt bother you too much
DAVE: i gotta go let in a few more friends and then im up but
DAVE: bro my sick beats are gonna blow your motherfucking mind tonight you dont have any idea whats coming for you
DAVE: but just like
DAVE: forget about everything i said earlier and have fun tonight
DAVE: later homie

What the fuck? Of course Karkat’s upset about what happened earlier, but he wasn’t going to bring it up until Sollux left and now he’s all alone and pissed off that he didn’t get a chance to chew Dave out. Although, on second thought, it might be better to wait until they’re both sober, if only because he wants Dave to remember just how badly he’s going to get his ass handed to him. Glancing around, Karkat can feel a low level of anxiety starting to build up. Is anyone looking at him, noticing he’s by himself? It doesn’t look to be the case yet, but he still busies himself with refilling his cup before heading out to look for Sollux before Dave starts and the dance floor descends into chaos.

****

He finally finds Sollux in a corner, staring into his phone.

KARKAT: HEY. DID YOU FIND HER.
SOLLUX: yea but 2he2 avoiidiing me.
SOLLUX: took one look at me and iimmediiately looked away 2o...
SOLLUX: whatever let2 just go home.
KARKAT: FUCK NO.
SOLLUX: 2ay2 the guy who diidnt even want two come here.
KARKAT: YEAH. BUT NOW I’VE COME ALL THE WAY HERE, AND DRANK TWO OF THESE DISGUSTING JUICES, FOR THE SOLE PURPOSE OF MAKING SURE YOU WOULDN’T SPEND THE WHOLE NIGHT MOPING AROUND.
KARKAT: AND YET, LOOK! DESPITE MY BEST EFFORTS TO BE AN AWESOME BRO, YOU ARE STILL MOPING. GODDAMN UNGRATEFUL. I’LL BE DAMNED IF I HAVE TO BOTH COME TO THIS PARTY AND DEAL WITH YOUR POUTY ASS ALL WEEK.
KARKAT: SO WE ARE GOING TO GET SLOSHED, AND FORGET ALL ABOUT YOUR STUPID FUCKING GIRL PROBLEMS.
KARKAT: AND THEN, TOMORROW, WE WILL DEAL WITH YOUR SHIT ONCE YOU’RE FEELING BETTER, AFTER A GREAT NIGHT OF PARTYING WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND. IS THAT CLEAR?
SOLLUX: ew it2 2o criinge when you try two be niice.
KARKAT: STOP BEING BITTER. YOU ARE GOING TO GET ANOTHER DRINK, AND PARTY WITH ME, UNTIL THE MAGIC OF OUR BROMANCE TAKES A GIANT RAINBOW SHIT ON YOUR PROBLEMS.
KARKAT: PLUS YOU STILL OWE ME YOUR WINGMAN SKILLS TONIGHT.
SOLLUX: whatever KK.

Karkat and Sollux chug down one more drink and… yeah he’s starting to feel it. This night might actually be going better than he expected. Now that he’s drunk enough to have forgotten most of his anger at Dave, he’s starting to think some suspiciously heartwarming thoughts about this night. Despite being roommates, Karkat and Sollux haven’t been hanging out as much as usual this semester, and Karkat’s determined to remind him how much fun they used to have.

Getting down to the middle of the dance floor, they watch as Dave steps out beside the turntables and begins his set. Everyone is screaming and Karkat lightly bounces next to Sollux as the music begins, letting the beat wash over him and empty his mind. Normally, it feels like his brain is running a million miles a minute all the fucking time, just a constant internal monologue berating himself and everyone around him for just about everything. But at a party like this, it’s as if everything is working together to drown out the voice in his head. The lights, the pounding music, the floaty haze from the alcohol, the push and pull of the people around him, all moving in synchronized rhythm. It feels like so much work to think about anything other than exactly what is happening at the moment.

Mr. Brightside comes on and Karkat and Sollux have their hands around each other’s shoulders, screaming lyrics at each other and leaping up and down, falling into a huddle of laughter as the song finishes. Karkat turns back to look up at Dave on stage. At first glance Karkat had thought Dave looked fairly average, skin so pale under the bright fluorescent lights of the classroom, his harsh blush impossible to hide even under the sunglasses, hair covering most of his forehead and baggy hoodies obfuscating his lithe body. It was as if he was trying way too hard to project an aura of coolness while simultaneously hiding as much of his face and body as physically possible. But it’s different now. He seems more lively, strong. Karkat had noticed Dave’s big arms earlier at the coffee shop, and again he finds himself drawn to watching them as Dave works the turntables. He lightly bounces from one foot to the other, his hair floating up and down, and Karkat imagines how soft it must be. Dave may be a giant ass, but it’s finally starting to make sense why he’s so popular. In the right environment, the guy is fucking pretty.

Karkat looks over to Sollux and… huh? He’s nowhere to be found. Fucking hell, Karkat is not sober enough to deal with this shit again. There’s people everywhere and it’s borderline impossible to move in the crowd, so Sollux must not have gotten too far. Jumping to look over the heads of the crowd, he finally finds spots Sollux swapping spit with what looks like the hipster final boss - complete with thick round glasses, a purple streak through his hair, and a fucking scarf in a sweltering hot fraternity basement. He’s a bit surprised, Sollux never told him he was bi before. But he supposes it’s kind of the default in his friend group at this point.

But what the fuck? Wasn’t this supposed to be a bros night? They were going to talk over this shit tomorrow, figure out the situation, and here Sollux is making it all about a thousand times more complicated. Karkat had been genuinely excited by the prospect of spending a night between just the two of them, like they used to at the beginning of college, to feel like he wasn’t always just Sollux’s nth choice if all his other options weren’t available. And yet here he was, choosing to make out with a stranger that he was sure to hate the moment he wasn’t drunk out of his mind rather than spend a night with Karkat. Realistically, Karkat knows this wasn’t the right way to think about it, that Sollux is probably just hurt and confused and acting out, but who gives a fuck about being fair! Sollux has been blowing him off to flirt for months, and Karkat's spent the last few days trying harder and harder to shove down the sinking suspicion that Sollux is starting to get tired of him. And now he's been ditched by his friend at a party he didn't even want to go to, with no one else who he knows, looking around to make sure nobody notices the loser who doesn’t have anyone to dance with and… fuck! Wasn’t the whole appeal of getting drunk to turn off thoughts like these?

Well, clearly the only option here is to get way more drunk. Karkat dodges jumping bodies and swinging arms until he gets back to the bar. He fills up his cup and chugs it down once… twice… three times… there we go. It’s almost immediate, the dulling of his thoughts. Who even gives a shit about Sollux? There is some awesome fucking music and a hot guy on stage, and Karkat will be damned if he misses one more moment of it because of his stupid feelings. Suddenly he’s jumping, screaming nonsense that vaguely resembles half-remembered song lyrics, people are cheering him on as he lets himself go but he barely even notices, so wound up in the moment as faces and songs and lights and time itself blurs together, all his senses completely overwhelmed and his mind so blissfully empty.

But after what feels like almost no time at all, the music stops, the lights come on, and everyone is moving. Where? Why? His ears are ringing and the room is spinning and suddenly it's as if all the euphoria he felt before is replaced by overwhelming loneliness. He feels like he’s going to cry, like he’s going to fall over, like he’s going to be sick and it's all just too much. He lets himself stumble to the floor, covers his face with his knees to block out the blinding light, covers his ears with his arms and curls himself up. He just needs a minute. Just a minute to hold himself together until the world stops moving quite so fast.

Chapter Text

On stage like this, Dave is completely in his element. The screaming and dancing of the crowd is nearly drowned out by the pulsing beat and bright stage lights, and he can imagine it’s just him in his room, headphones on, jamming to his favorite hits (plus a few remixes of some generic party tunes to appease the frat bros enough to hire him again - it’s hard not to be a bit of a sellout when you’re perpetually broke). These parties are always like a victory lap at the end of the week. Normally, he’s got so many responsibilities with school and work and friends and making enough money to buy basic fucking necessities crowding his head that he’s unable to ever just… sit in the moment for a bit. But he’s got his DJ routine down pat at this point, only really changing it up a little bit from week to week based on some new music he finds and incorporating requests from his friends. So the only thing really left to do now is vibe to the music and soak up the admiration.

When his set finally ends and the lights come on, it’s jarring. Dave squints and rubs at his eyes underneath the sunglasses, and the responsibilities of daily life start to poke back into his head. Checking his watch, it looks like it's 2am exactly, so he’s got to get home quickly if he wants to be awake at a relatively decent hour tomorrow.

He starts to pack up his stuff, high fiving a few overenthusiastic partiers on their way out. Rose and her girlfriend Kanaya, as well as John, make their way over to say goodbye and congrats before they head back home. Rose and John have come to basically every one of his DJ sets this year, but every time they come up and surprise him after a show he still has to restrain the simultaneous warmth that floods his chest and the guilt that pools in his gut from showing up on his face. They could’ve been doing anything else tonight that they would probably enjoy a lot more, but here they are, showing up for him yet again, without him even having to ask.

The basement is mostly empty by the time Dave finishes putting away the turntables, packing his laptop into a backpack and wrapping his scarf tightly around his neck. As he’s about to head out, he notices a small body with a mop of dark curly hair sitting against the wall, knees curled up against his chest and head resting on top of his knees. Looks like somebody got a little too drunk, at this point just a natural consequence of how fucking strong the jungle juice at this frat always is. Dave can’t really blame the guy, he almost blacked out his first time playing here, which led to a pretty memorable gig for, well, everyone except him it seems. John and Rose still won’t tell him the full story, instead choosing to constantly allude to increasingly exorbitant things he supposedly did that night. He walks up to the guy, wanting to check if he needs some help getting home, before he looks up and… oh, it’s Karkat.

DAVE: hey bro you doing alright
DAVE: whered your friend go
DAVE: oh fuck did he score with fef?
DAVE: what a bastard i dont know what she sees in him
KARKAT: FUCK OFF. I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT HIM. AND I DON’T EVEN WANT TO LOOK AT YOU.
KARKAT: BUT… AT LEAST THE PERSON HE SCORED WITH WAS NOT NEARLY AS HOT AS HER. MAKING FUN OF HIM FOR THIS LATER WILL BE A SMALL SMALL CONSOLATION PRIZE IN THE VAST AND CAVERNOUS SHITHOLE THAT WAS THIS NIGHT. AT LEAST I PROBABLY WON’T REMEMBER MOST OF IT.
DAVE: well i guess your verbosity isnt really hampered by how drunk you are but damn you are slurring like a motherfucker
DAVE: let me help you get home
KARKAT: I TOLD YOU TO FUCK OFF STRIDER. LET ME WALLOW.
DAVE: nah man theyre gonna kick us out soon

Realistically, the frat bros aren’t going to give a fuck if a few people crash here for the night, but Dave would much rather make sure Karkat gets home tonight and sleeps in a real bed.

KARKAT: I’LL GET MYSELF HOME. AFTER YOU LEAVE.
DAVE: ok dude
DAVE: if you can stand up and walk in a straight line ill stop bugging you
DAVE: but if not i am definitely helping you home like youre straight up wasted

His eyebrows knitted together in concentration, Karkat painstakingly attempts to position his legs underneath himself. He rises shakily, seemingly propelling himself both upwards and sideways as he falls into Dave’s already outstretched arms. Karkat manages to semi-straighten himself, scrambling with his arms for purchase on Dave’s shoulder, leaning heavily into his side, and finally looking pointedly downwards to hide the red flush spreading all across his face. Dave chuckles to himself, making a point of standing up straighter and putting his hands in his pockets as Karkat holds him in a death grip in order to stay upright.

DAVE: i told you dog
DAVE: ok lets get you home wheres your dorm
KARKAT: I’M NOT TELLING YOU WHERE I LIVE.
DAVE: goddamn it how can you still be this fucking obstinate when youre this wasted?
DAVE: youre truly one of a kind vantas ill give you that
KARKAT: IT DOESN’T EVEN FUCKING MATTER. MY ROOMMATE’S PROBABLY BONING SOME PRETENTIOUS DOUCHEBAG IN OUR ROOM. SO I DON’T EVEN WANT TO GO HOME. BY THE TIME I GET MY SHIT TOGETHER AND SOBER UP A BIT… MAYBE THEY’LL BE DONE. AND I’LL GO HOME THEN. SO. YOU ARE JUST GOING TO LET ME ME DOWN. AND THEN I’LL STAY HERE. UNTIL I FEEL LIKE GOING HOME.
KARKAT: I DON’T NEED THE HELP OR SYMPATHY OF A USELESS TEENAGE DJ WHO’S PROBABLY HIGH OFF HIS ASS. I DON’T EVEN UNDERSTAND WHY YOU’RE BOTHERING WITH THIS PRETENSE THAT YOU CARE. ARE YOU TRYING TO GET MORE FODDER TO USE TO MAKE FUN OF ME LATER? HELL IF I KNOW.
KARKAT: WELL, LUCKY FOR YOU, THIS NIGHT WAS SUCH A COMPLETE EGO ANNIHILATING DISASTER THAT YOU CAN REST ASSURED I WILL BE BEATING MYSELF UP FOR IT FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE, SO I DON’T REALLY NEED YOU JOINING IN ON IT. JUST. GO AWAY.
DAVE: ok that is a lot of words
DAVE: look man i dont totally understand youre kind of slurring but like
DAVE: i think youre assuming some things about me that maybe you shouldnt be?
DAVE: either way i can tell youre having a rough night and you probably just need to sleep it off
DAVE: look your roommates an ass for doing that but i live just down the street and you can...
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK STRIDER?? ARE YOU HITTING ON ME? I MAY BE AT EMOTIONAL ROCK BOTTOM BUT EVEN NOW I WOULD NEVER STOOP SO LOW AS TO BE A PITY FUCK FOR THE LIKES OF…
DAVE: dude wtf chill
DAVE: please for the love of god chill out and stop shouting oh my god
DAVE: just let me fucking finish my sentence

Dave takes a deep breath and rubs his temples with the arm that isn’t holding Karkat up.

DAVE: i cannot believe im being the mature one here i am never the mature one what are you doing to me karkat
DAVE: look
DAVE: ive got a double room, but my roommate never showed up so ive got an extra bed
DAVE: so youre welcome to crash as a strictly platonic bro favor
DAVE: just helping another bro out in his time of need nothing uncouth about any of this
DAVE: not that you arent really fucking hot like damn vantas more like vant-ass
DAVE: but that was not at all what i was thinking when i said that
DAVE: …and now im realizing in retrospect that pointing that out may not have been the best way to convince you of this
DAVE: but back to the point clearly ive done something to piss you off
DAVE: i thought it was all ok when you showed up here but idk about that now
DAVE: at least youve gotta let me help you out i mean its partially my fault youre so wasted
DAVE: thats just basic bro code dog
KARKAT: STOP TALKING.
KARKAT: GOD.
KARKAT: YOU CANNOT SHUT UP EITHER.
KARKAT: LOOK. I WILL AGREE TO CRASH AT YOUR PLACE AS LONG AS YOU STOP RAMBLING, AND NEVER TALK ABOUT MY ASS EVER AGAIN, BECAUSE FOR SOME GODDAMN REASON I AM ACTUALLY MORE PISSED AT MY ROOMMATE THAN I AM AT YOU.
KARKAT: IS THAT CLEAR?
DAVE: damn dude
DAVE: only you could make me helping you out in your most desperate hour of need sound like youre the one doing me a favor
DAVE: can i at least get a please and a thank you
KARKAT: I AM GOING HOME ON MY OWN.
DAVE: ok ok fuck dude chill out i take it back

Dave wraps his arm tightly around Karkat’s waist, holding him up as Karkat grasps onto Dave’s shoulder. They stumble into the cold, Dave’s body starting to ache from holding Karkat up against his side. It would be way easier to just carry him, but Dave doesn’t want Karkat to get the wrong idea about his intentions again so they just keep shuffling forward. On the other hand, the heat from Karkat’s body is nice; he’s like a furnace against Dave’s side. They walk in silence to Dave’s dorm. It’s the first time they’ve ever been this quiet in each other’s presence for more than a few seconds, and it’s definitely getting awkward. But what do you even say in a situation like this? Pretty much everything Dave’s said so far only made the interaction even worse.

****

Depositing Karkat into his room, Dave watches as he slumps onto the spare bed and goes to grab Karkat a water bottle and a snack.

DAVE: ok man so house rules are you gotta finish this water and these chips before you go to bed
DAVE: i know you wanna sleep but youre gonna thank me in the morning for this
DAVE: i put some like electrolyte shit in it thats supposed to help with hangovers?
DAVE: i gotta be real i dont think it actually does anything but you deserve all the potential help you can get tonight
KARKAT: FINE
DAVE: im gonna go take a shower
DAVE: feel free to crash before i get back just make sure to drink the water first
DAVE: and for the love of god if you have to hurl your guts up tomorrow please try to make it to the bathroom first
DAVE: it’s just a few steps down the hall

Just as Dave steps out of the room, Karkat calls out.

KARKAT: DAVE?
DAVE: sup?
KARKAT: ...THANKS.

Dave starts to smile before quickly schooling his expression back to neutral and turning back to Karkat.

DAVE: no worries bro i got you

****

Dave lets the hot water pour over him, reheating his muscles and relaxing his body before bed. Goddamn he’s tired. He’s been working all day and wasn’t expecting to have to deal with Karkat tonight, but more than anything he’s glad that he was able to help him out. The extra work to lug the guy back to his place was no big deal compared to being assured that he was safe and cared for tonight. Certainly seemed like the guy needed someone to be on his side; based on what he could parse from Karkat’s vague dialogue earlier it seems like he and his roommate got into some sort of a spat.

And he guesses he also got into a little spat with Karkat this morning as well. Like damn, that guy sure seems to get himself into a whole lot of drama. Normally, Dave would be a lot more cautious and uncomfortable around someone so obviously belligerent. He doesn’t usually feel particularly inclined to get close to people like that, and even less so to try and reconcile with them, but for some reason Karkat’s different. Yeah, he yells a lot, but it feels less outwardly malicious and more just… honest? Like Karkat will say exactly what he’s feeling and not try to hide it. He knows Karkat thinks he’s a stupid fucking tool most of the time, but its kind of a relief to hear someone say what they think of you without any bullshit posturing. He’d rather hear Karkat tell him he’s complete shit than listen to some poser, or have to play mind games to determine if they’re really saying what they mean. With Karkat, Dave knows for real that every reluctant nod of agreement or backhanded compliment is actually the real deal. He’s reluctant to admit it’s almost made him look forward to philosophy class, just to see the look of bewilderment on Karkat’s face every time he says something that Karkat thinks is actually kind of smart.

When Dave reenters his room, he finds Karkat already fast asleep. He’s relieved to see that he finished the water bottle and snack Dave gave him before drifting off, and Dave smiles to himself. Karkat looks a whole lot different when he’s silently sleeping. His personality is so big and he’s always all over the place, throwing his arms in the air and seemingly physically incapable of talking at a reasonable volume, that Dave never really realized how small he was until now. All curled up on himself, with a mess of curly hair covering his face as he snores (of course he’s loud even in his sleep), Karkat looks totally harmless and peaceful for the first time. Dave holds back a laugh, realizing Karkat’s exactly like one of those little animals that puffs itself up whenever it sees a predator to seem more intimidating. He’s gonna have to tell that one to Karkat tomorrow. Well, maybe after they resolve whatever issue Karkat has with him. He really shouldn’t have brushed over their little coffee shop fiasco just because Karkat showed up to the party; obviously there’s still some kind of hurt feelings there. As Dave slides into bed, he whispers goodnight to Karkat before succumbing to sleep, feeling optimistic that this can all be straightened out in the morning.

Chapter Text

When Karkat wakes up, it’s to his phone buzzing in his pocket which, ugh, of course his stupid ass forgot to plug it in to charge on his desk last night. Even weirder, it’s a fuck ton of messages from Sollux, who is never up before noon, and who should just be on the other side of the room, right? Karkat glances over and

Oh. FUCK.

If the garish decor is anything to go by, this is certainly not his room. His stomach sloshes - whether that’s from anxiety or alcohol poisoning is anybody’s guess. Karkat puts his phone back in his pocket; clearly Sollux is the least of his worries at the moment. He quickly assembles a mental list of the most pressing questions, in order of severity:

1. How likely is he to throw up within the next few minutes?
2. If the aforementioned scenario is even remotely possible, where is the nearest bathroom?
3. Who’s room is this?
4. Did he hook up with said room’s owner last night?
5. And how the hell did he end up here??

Karkat sits himself up properly, assessing the physical damage. He feels a constant low-level of vertigo, as if the room is slowly spinning, but it’s manageable. His stomach seems like it's filled with acid. All he really wants to do is go back to sleep and ignore the pain. But, all in all, it’s not the worst hangover he’s ever had, and he thinks he’ll be fine so long as he doesn’t move too quickly.

Slowly looking around the room, he finds a note, presumably from whoever lives here. In sharp, angular handwriting which seems designed for the sole purpose of aggravating Karkat’s headache, he finds written in red pen:

hey, went to the gym, bathroom’s down the hall in case you don’t remember. prop the door open with something so you don’t get locked out. that would be kind of funny though...
if you wake up before i get back text me your coffee order. god knows you’re gonna need some caffeine after last night. hope you aren’t too sick lmao
@ TurntechGodhead

Well, that’s the bathroom issue resolved. Karkat’s on a roll. Time for the next mystery.

All the note really tells him is that he’s had the good fortune to go home with someone who hasn’t changed their chumhandle since they were maybe 13, so not seeming like a promising romantic option so far, although he supposes the shamelessness could be kind of endearing.

Still, it’s pretty nice this stranger has offered to pick up coffee. As far as morning after notes go, this is just about as close to romantic as it gets. And they’re on top of their shit enough to get up early and go to the gym after a party night? Karkat can’t hold back the delusional images flashing through his head of the door opening to some tall, fit babe who’s magically predicted his coffee order, ready to help nurse him through his hangover.

Ok, not a terrible start. What else can he figure out about this mystery person before they get back? The interior decor in the room only serves to cancel out any good impressions he had before. Brightly colored comic panels adorn the walls. A cursory glance gives the impression of a person who has pretty much the opposite of an eye for quality art and whose sense of humor hasn’t evolved past Pepe the frog memes. Not ideal.

Even less promising, and perhaps even seriously concerning, is what looks to be a shelf covered with various animal skulls, as well as jars of insects and, potentially, even body parts(?!). There are also some fossils which, even Karkat’s got to admit are pretty damn cool. But that doesn’t make up for the fact that every second he spends staring at this shelf makes his stomach feel even more queasy.

The final nail in the coffin is that this person is clearly a total slob. There’s enough junk food wrappers littering the floor to irrevocably destroy any hope Karkat had of this being the home of a hunky gym rat. A huge pile of clothes sits in the corner; Karkat guesstimates based on the size that it’s been, at minimum, two weeks since this person last did laundry. The bed on the other side of the room is completely unmade, some red pajamas adorning the top of a giant pile of blankets bunched up in the middle of the bed. Well, at least it doesn’t seem like they slept in the same bed last night.

The final verdict is that this room belongs to, at best, a total slob who at least has the decency to be a bit of a sweetheart. But at worst, the owner is a literal psychopath who preserves the remains of their victims on a trophy shelf. Thinking about that, maybe it’s for the best if Karkat just leaves before they get back. Any desire for this to lead to some sort of future romantic endeavor is gone, replaced by mild revulsion. Karkat starts to slide his shoes on as a set of footsteps come to a stop outside the door and a key slots into the lock.

The noise instantly sends his heart hammering and he girds himself to expect the worst, flinching away from the door and hiding his eyes behind his arm at the last second.

DAVE: aw dude were you trying to leave before i got back?
DAVE: not cool bro
DAVE: actually kind of offensive after the solid i did you last night
DAVE: roxy told me you always order either black coffee or a macchiato so i just got you both
DAVE: wasnt really sure if you were in a fancy coffee mood or just wanted something to get the job done you know
DAVE: but hey double the caffeine probably cant hurt you especially not on this kind of a morning lol

As Dave rambles in the doorway, Karkat peaks out from behind his hands, unable to believe what he’s hearing.

KARKAT: STRIDER?!
DAVE: oh fuck do you not remember

Karkat opens his mouth to speak and immediately closes it as a wave of nausea washes over him. He feels his stomach lurch, the sour, acidic taste in the back of his throat. They make eye contact and Dave instantly understands.

DAVE: shit shit shit shit this way

Dave bounds down the hall, shoving open the bathroom door. Karkat runs in, hearing the door swing shut behind him - good thing Dave left him alone, this is embarrassing enough as it is - and makes it to the toilet just as his stomach lurches again.

When it’s over, any relief in his stomach is offset by exhaustion and disgust, his miserable condition rendered even more stark by the lifting of the foggy feeling in his brain. He’s breathing heavily, clutching the sides of the toilet, eyes shut, sweat dripping across his forehead and soaking the ends of his bangs, bits of bile on his lips and chin, a putrid taste in his mouth. The only thing that could make this whole debacle any more pitiful is if some ineffably stoic cool kid was around to see it. Which, of course, he is.

KARKAT: FUCK, WHEN DID YOU COME BACK?
DAVE: uh just a second ago
DAVE: i brought some tissues in case you wanna clean up
DAVE: figured this is probably better than toilet paper
DAVE: and i got a water bottle cause probably your mouth tastes rancid right now dont worry dude ive been there before when your life is as lit as mine is this is just sunday morning business as usual but dont worry ill teach you my ways of
KARAKT: FUCK OFF AND GIVE ME SOME PRIVACY YOU MEDDLING MORON.
DAVE: yep bro you got it

With a shake of two finger guns in the air and an about-face, Dave leaves Karkat to clean himself up. He lets the cold water from the sink run over his face, rubbing hard at all the sweat and grime. His hair is a mess. On one side sweat has slicked and flattened his curls tight against his head, on the other side his hair looks frizzy and tangled. He ruffles it around until it looks slightly more on the side of cute-messy rather than post-rager bedhead. Probably that’s as good as it’s going to get this morning. He takes the water bottle Dave left and rinses out his mouth until it tastes vaguely normal again.

He glances down at the empty water bottle in his hand. He takes a beat to lean against the wall, to figure out what he’s going to do once he sees Dave. What’s going on here? Why is Dave being so nice about all this? Based on everything Karkat knows about him, shouldn’t Dave be making fun of him for being an embarrassment who can’t take care of himself? None of it makes much sense, but Karkat doesn’t even know how he ended up here anyways. Well, it’s time to get some answers out of Strider. It’s not like this situation can get any worse than it already has.

Opening the bathroom door, Dave’s waiting outside, back against the wall. Dave bites at his lip as he looks up at Karkat, mild concern apparent even with half his face covered. Karkat’s simultaneously thrilled at the expression of care and mystified that it’s coming from Dave. Great, he’s so desperate that he’s clutching at a probably fake attempt at kindness from fucking Strider of all people. He has got to get his shit together.

DAVE: hey dude hows it feeling
KARKAT: YEAH, YOU CAN FUCK OFF WITH YOUR BULLSHIT FAKE NICETIES. I WANT ANSWERS RIGHT FUCKING NOW. YOU NEED TO TELL ME EXACTLY WHAT’S GOING ON. HOW THE HELL DID I END UP HERE? BECAUSE MY BRAIN IS INCAPABLE OF COMPUTING ANY SCENARIO IN WHICH I COME HOME WITH YOU.
DAVE: ok dude chill out all will be revealed in due time

He gestures for Karkat to take a seat at the desk, which has his two cups of coffee from Dave on it, while Dave sprawls out on his bed and cracks open a bottle of apple juice.

DAVE: how much do you remember from last night

It’s a fair question. Thinking back, Karkat remembers everything up to his binge drinking after Sollux left. Afterwards, it’s indistinct, blurry memories of songs, lights, dancing, contrasted by an overwhelming feeling of loneliness. He remembers the party ending, the feeling that he just needed a break from it all. He remembers the grip of strong hands around his waist, his head resting on a soft, red scarf, and a sense of safety. Glancing around, he sees the same red scarf hanging from a hook on the door.

KARKAT: NOT THAT IT’S ANY OF YOUR BUSINESS WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT BEFORE YOU GOT INVOLVED, BUT MY ROOMMATE WAS BEING AN IDIOT AND OF COURSE MY PATHETIC ASS DECIDED TO MAKE IT ALL ABOUT ME AND BLOW THE WHOLE THING WAY OUT OF PROPORTION.
KARKAT: I GOT A LITTLE TOO DRUNK, SO I REMEMBER GOING TO THE CORNER TO MAKE A LAME ATTEMPT TO GET MY SHIT TOGETHER.
KARKAT: AND I REMEMBER SOMEONE HELPING ME WALK OUT. WHICH I’M GUESSING IS YOU? WHICH MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE BECAUSE WE HATE EACH OTHER UNLESS.
KARKAT: JUST.

Karkat hesitates, wondering if it might be better to just not know the answer to what he’s about to ask.

KARKAT: IF THE ANSWER TO THIS IS YES PLEASE SPARE ME THE DETAILS UNLESS YOU’RE READY FOR ME TO SPEW THE REMAINING CONTENTS OF MY STOMACH ALL OVER YOUR RANK, UNWASHED SHEETS. BUT DID ANYTHING HAPPEN... BETWEEN US?
DAVE: ohhh shit
DAVE: no no no dude dont worry
DAVE: you were way too gone i just wanted to make sure you got to sleep somewhere safe
KARKAT: IT FEELS LIKE THE SKY IS OPENING ABOVE ME, LIGHT SPILLING DOWN FROM THE HEAVENS UPON MY POOR, VITAMIN D DEFICIENT FACE. WHAT’S THAT I HEAR? IT’S THE SOUND OF MY BRAIN-SPLITTING MIGRAINE BEING REPLACED WITH THE MOST REVERENT, SUBLIME MELODY KNOWN TO MANKIND. ANY HAPPINESS I’VE EVER THOUGHT I EXPERIENCED IN MY MISERABLE GODDAMN LIFE IS A PALE IMITATION OF THE TRUE ECSTASY I FEEL NOW, KNOWING I NEVER DRUNKENLY MADE OUT WITH THE LIKES OF DAVE STRIDER.
DAVE: ouch bro could you try to be a little less excited
DAVE: just about broke my poor damn heart over here
KARKAT: FOR THE FIRST TIME, PAST-DRUNK KARKAT HAS NOT BETRAYED ME.
DAVE: a single tear is spilling from my eye as we speak
KARKAT: THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY ENTIRE LIFE.
DAVE: …
DAVE: ok so are you done now or
KARKAT: YEAH, CONTINUE.
DAVE: yeah so after my set i saw you sitting in the corner looking pretty fucked up so i was like ok mom friend dave activated
DAVE: you were sitting there all sad and pathetic and fucked up
DAVE: ranted about your roommate doing something stupid and it seemed like he left with someone and you didnt want to go home and deal with the aftermath of that
DAVE: anyways sounded like you were pretty beat up about it are you guys like a thing or?
KARKAT: WOULDN’T YOU LIKE TO KNOW?
DAVE: i literally knight-in-shining-armor-ed your ass last night and youre currently chugging down the coffee i got you dude so you could try being like maybe 1% less of a bitch right now

Karkat looks down at his hands double fisting the coffees. Dave’s right - in the past 12 hours it seems that Dave helped Karkat walk out of the party, let him crash at his place to help him avoid dealing with Sollux, and has been unwaveringly kind in the wake of Karkat’s hangover despite having every opportunity to make fun of him. None of it really rationalizes with any of the perceptions of Dave he had before today. But, weird as it is, he can't deny that he’s coming off a bit petulant here.

KARKAT: FUCK.
KARKAT: YOU’RE RIGHT, I’M SHITTING ALL OVER MYSELF RIGHT NOW BECAUSE THERE’S NOTHING I DO BETTER THAN ACT LIKE A INCONTINENT CHILD. BUT DON’T EVEN TRY TO DENY THAT YOU’RE ACTING WEIRD AS FUCK. ARE YOU TRYING TO PUSH ME OFF MY GAME?
DAVE: ?
KARKAT: DON’T ACT LIKE YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND WHAT’S GOING ON. FOR THE PAST WEEK WE’VE BEEN AT EACH OTHER’S THROATS.
KARKAT: IT’S AS IF EVERY ASPECT OF YOUR PERSONALITY IS DESIGNED TO DRAW THE MAXIMUM ATTENTION AWAY FROM YOUR SEMI-REDEEMING QUALITIES AND DIVERT IT TOWARDS YOUR STUPID CLOTHES AND ATTENTION SEEKING BEHAVIOR.
KARKAT: AND DON’T EVEN TRY TO DENY THAT THIS IS MUTUAL.
KARKAT: YOU’VE BEEN ALL UP IN MY SHIT FROM THE VERY START. AND IT’S ALL BEEN GOOD FUN - I HAVEN’T HAD THIS MUCH QUALITY VERBAL SPARRING SINCE MY ROOMMATE LOST HIS VIRGINITY!
KARKAT: HALF MY MOTIVATION TO DO THE READING COMES FROM HOW BADLY I WANT TO KICK YOUR ASS DURING CLASS DISCUSSION. SO FORGIVE ME IF IT’S REALLY FUCKING STRANGE FOR YOU TO SUDDENLY START SUCKING UP TO ME, AND BRINGING ME COFFEE, AND PAYING BIZARRE, UNCALLED FOR COMPLIMENTS TO MY ADMITTEDLY PHENOMENAL REAR END.
KARKAT: YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO HATE ME AND I’M SUPPOSED TO HATE YOU.
DAVE: uh
DAVE: nah i just thought you were like
DAVE: funny
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK?!
DAVE: really though it seems like were both having fun with the discourse its just we interpreted it in different ways
DAVE: i talk to you because youre fucking hilarious and barely even talk like a real person
DAVE: but you seem to think its fun to talk to me because you hate me?
DAVE: the logics not really logic-ing for me but whatever floats your boat i guess
DAVE: the bottom line is i havent been acting purposefully malicious towards you even if you think i have been
KARKAT: HAH, WRONG! YOU’RE DUMBER THAN EVEN I THOUGHT IF YOU THINK I’M FALLING FOR THAT SHIT EXCUSE.
KARKAT: WHAT ABOUT AT YOUR COFFEE SHOP WHEN YOU TOLD ME I WAS A SOCIALLY INEPT LOSER NOT FIT FOR ANYTHING BETTER THAN TO LIVE OUT THE REST OF MY WRETCHED, PITIFUL LIFE CONFINED TO A BUCKET WHERE I BATHE IN THE REVOLTING STENCH OF MY OWN DISGUSTING BODY ODOR.
DAVE: oh yeah how could i forget that i said exactly that because that would be so in character for me
DAVE: and also fuck off youre the one who in the past five minutes compared realizing you didnt make out with me to the literal rapture
DAVE: and youve said way worse shit about yourself than i have
KARKAT: ARE YOU CALLING ME THIN-SKINNED?
DAVE: no im just saying that were both dishing on each other all the time and normally we both take it pretty well so its no big deal
DAVE: but clearly something i said there hit a nerve and we dont know each other well enough to know whats gonna set that off
DAVE: so im sorry if what i said upset you but i gotta tell you that it wasnt meant that way
DAVE: roxy was beating me up for it and i think i realized after that something was wrong
DAVE: but i didnt know what so i think ive just kind of felt like an ass ever since then and didnt know how to go about rectifying it
DAVE: look
DAVE: clearly youre having some issues with your friends and it seemed like you were really going through it last night
DAVE: so if i did anything to contribute to making that worse then i really am sorry for it
DAVE: and thats really all there is to say on the matter
DAVE: ...
DAVE: bro can you say something its getting pretty awkward just sitting here with all my feelings out in the air
KARKAT: OK.
KARKAT: WE’VE DETERMINED WE WERE BOTH BEING IDIOTS. CONGRATULATIONS! I’M SURE IT TOOK TONS OF HARD WORK AND INTROSPECTION TO ARRIVE AT SUCH A MIND-NUMBINGLY OBVIOUS RESULT.
KARKAT: BUT, I DO APPRECIATE THIS. TO BE FAIR, I DON’T ACTUALLY THINK YOU’RE THAT STUPID.
KARKAT: BUT YOU ACT LIKE YOU ARE FOR SOME INTANGIBLE REASON SO OBVIOUSLY I'M GOING TO CALL YOU OUT ON IT.
KARKAT: ALSO I STAND BY ANY COMMENTS I’VE MADE ABOUT HOW DUMB YOUR CLOTHES ARE.
DAVE: i can live with that
KARKAT: I THINK YOU’RE RIGHT THOUGH. I’D SAY I’M NOT USUALLY THIS IMMATURE, BUT LUCKILY MY PERSONALITY IS THE MOST IMPROBABLY PERFECT COMBINATION OF VANITY AND SELF-HATRED THAT LEADS TO ME LOSING MY SHIT PRETTY MUCH CONSTANTLY.
DAVE: huh i had no idea
KARKAT: OH FUCK YOU, I’M NOT EVEN REALLY REFERRING TO YOU HERE.
DAVE: so youre alluding to the shit with your roommate?
KARKAT: KIND OF?
KARKAT: LOOK, WE’RE NOT A THING OR ANYTHING, IF THAT’S WHAT YOU’RE WONDERING. HE’S JUST A FRIEND.
DAVE: not into guys?
KARKAT: UH, MORE THAT HE’S NOT REALLY MY TYPE. BUT HE’S BEEN MY CLOSEST FRIEND IN COLLEGE SO FAR, AND YET HE SEEMS TO HAVE NO INTEREST IN HANGING OUT WITH ME AFTER BECOMING OUR SCHOOL’S MOST IMPLAUSIBLE FUCKBOY. I JUST KEEP WATCHING MY FRIENDS COUPLE UP AND THEN IT’S LIKE OUR FRIENDSHIP DOESN’T EVEN MATTER ANYMORE?
KARKAT: I DON’T KNOW, THIS IS PATHETIC. MAYBE IF I WAS LESS... MYSELF THEY WOULDN’T BE DOING THIS.
DAVE: i dont think its really anyones problem
DAVE: i mean were young right and now is the opportunity to try out all these things that we couldnt when there was like constant parental supervision and like negative freedom
DAVE: i think its pretty natural to get carried away with new and glamorous things like romance and sex and sort of lose sight of the old reliables in these kinds of situations
DAVE: but i think eventually you realize and come back
DAVE: like when my sister rose started dating her girlfriend it was like she straight up disappeared for like a month
DAVE: and then when i had to third wheel to get any time with rose it kind of felt like i was being moved down a rung in terms of the relationship
DAVE: and maybe theres some truth to that but i think its ok for these kinds of things to change a bit
DAVE: and eventually things settled back to a new normal and now i think i like hanging with the two of them as a couple just as much as i liked hanging with rose
DAVE: but i definitely have been where you are dude and i get it
DAVE: have you actually talked to them about this though?
DAVE: they might not really understand how youre feeling about this and you cant really get super mad at them for not reading your mind
KARKAT: YEAH, I’VE ALREADY BEAT MYSELF UP FOR BEING SO INFANTILE ABOUT THIS SO THANKS FOR PILING ON.
KARKAT: BUT, IT’S NICE TO KNOW IT’S NOT JUST ME. AND I GUESS IT IS TIME TO FINALLY TALK TO SOLLUX ABOUT THIS. IF ONLY SO THAT HE STOPS SEXILING ME FROM THE DORM ALL THE FUCKING TIME.
DAVE: oof bro thats rough
DAVE: well i got the extra bed in case you need to crash here again for emergencies
KARKAT: STOP BEING SO NICE. I ALREADY TOLD YOU IT’S WEIRD.

Karkat lets out a long sigh.

KARKAT: OK. SOLLUX HAS BEEN BLOWING UP MY PHONE ALL MORNING, SO IT’S TIME TO GO DEAL WITH THIS.
KARKAT: BUT, THANKS. FOR EVERYTHING. LETTING ME CRASH, THE COFFEE, THIS TALK. IT HELPS... PUT THINGS IN PERSPECTIVE. IT’S NICE. WE’RE GOOD NOW, I GUESS.
KARKAT: I’LL SEE YOU IN CLASS?
DAVE: for sure bro
DAVE: good luck with everything
DAVE: next time we talk you can tell me all about how fucking awesome you thought my DJ set was
KARKAT: OH GO FUCK YOURSELF. YOUR MUSIC SUCKS ALMOST AS BAD AS YOUR SHITTY ADVICE.

Karkat leaves Dave’s room and pulls out his phone, leaning against the wall. There’s 15 unread messages from Sollux. His head starts to hurt again as he tries to read that stupid yellow text, and after a few minutes opts to just send a message.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering TwinArmageddons [TA]

CG: LOOK, LET’S JUST TALK.
CG: MEET YOU AT THE ROOM IN 15?
CG: AND IF THAT UGLY DOUCHEBAG FROM LAST NIGHT IS STILL IN THERE WHEN I GET BACK, I WILL ACTUALLY APPLY FOR A NEW ROOMMATE.

Chapter Text

Dave stood at the door, listening as Karkat’s footsteps finally receded down the hallway before flopping back into his bed, groaning into his arms.

What the fuck was he doing?

Obviously, something was wrong. Dave Strider wasn’t supposed to act like the spitting image of a boring-ass mom friend. He didn’t “take care of people” or “give advice.” But there he was, panicking over getting Karkat the right kind of coffee and nursing him through his hangover and pulling some friendship is magic bullshit out of his ass to make Karkat feel better about his roommate drama. Hell, he would’ve even tried to help hold back his hair when Karkat was throwing up like some kind of cliche romcom lead if he hadn’t gotten distracted by debating if it was too obvious of a move when Karkat’s hair wasn’t even long enough to get in the way.

Even with his closest friends he didn’t act like this. Dave couldn’t begin to count how many times he’d laughed his ass off watching drunk John try to walk home, wobbling and flailing his arms without feeling even the slightest urge to help carry him home. The last time Rose got way too sloshed he took a picture of her passed out on the couch with vomit stuck to her face as blackmail fuel. But now, for some reason, he was acting like some kind of deferential sucker for this random asshole he barely even knew. This was the most embarrassing shit he had ever pulled in his life, and no one could ever find out about it.

And why? What was it about Karkat that made him feel so inclined to act like a fucking simp? When he woke up to find Karkat practically drooling all over himself in his sleep, mouth wide open and snoring like a motherfucker with the world’s worst case of sleep apnea, he should’ve thrown a pillow at him and acted all grossed out like a normal person. Certainly that’s what he would’ve done to John in this situation. Instead he stared at him for a little too long while his stomach did weird jumpy shit, and let him sleep in, and brought him fucking coffee and talked through his drama like they were two chicks at a goddamn slumber party.

Yes, it was becoming increasingly obvious to him that he probably had some nonzero level of romantic attraction to Karkat. This was, unfortunately, undeniable at this point. With an ass like that and that cute mop of hair, realistically, something like this happening was only a matter of time. But none of this meant he had to act like such a goddamn sap about it.

This was something he was going to have to handle. The attraction wasn’t necessarily a problem; plenty of cool dudes fucked around and got married and did all the dumb romance crap. The problem was that he wasn’t exactly being cool about it. He tried to imagine his Bro taking care of someone and… yeah, no, he was practically sick to his stomach even thinking about it. He’d have to be abducted by aliens and replaced by some sort of way lamer clone for a situation like that to even compute in Dave’s head.

So, clearly, he wasn’t ready to date if he was already making this much of a fool of himself. He needed to get a handle on the stupid emotions and stop doing tacky romcom shit and thinking tacky romcom thoughts first. And then, maybe, he could think about hitting that.

Speaking of getting his shit together, Dave had about a million more things to get done before school on Monday, and spending all this time flipping his shit about Karkat was throwing him off his schedule. Checking his watch, he figured he could knock out at least 5 hours in the library before his dinner plans with John and Rose. More than enough time to finish this dumb Foucault reading and prep for his dissection for biology next week.

****

Dave slid into the booth next to John and Rose at the dining hall.

DAVE: sup guys
ROSE: Hello Dave.
ROSE: Good of you to finally join us. I trust you’ve had a productive day after such a successful event last night.
ROSE: I know Kanaya, for one, found your mashup of Hotel Room Service and Rasputin to be particularly, how should I say…
ROSE: “Experimental,” perhaps.
ROSE: One would wonder where you even got the idea for that.
DAVE: oh shut the fuck up that shit was rad as fuck and hella ironic
DAVE: you wouldnt know irony if it hit you in the face at 100mph
DAVE: well
DAVE: to be fair at 100mph it would probably be hard to recognize anything
DAVE: so lets just say you wouldnt know irony even if it slowly caressed the side of your face at the speed of an injured snail
ROSE: Hm, I’d be worried that might make Kanaya jealous.
ROSE: Anyways, it seems as if the night of debauchery has left you pitifully incapable of putting together a coherent metaphor.
ROSE: Which is to say, nothing particularly out of the ordinary.
JOHN: hmm dave i gotta side with rose here.
JOHN: i dont know if pitbull really fits in with the russian vibe…
DAVE: ok youre out of your mind with this one egbert thats the dumbest take ive ever heard
DAVE: like they dont call him mr worldwide for nothing
DAVE: he can fit any vibe
DAVE: the dudes got infinite charisma
DAVE: if anyone can be the worlds greatest love machine its him
DAVE: cant even restrict that shit to just russia
DAVE: rasputins got nothing on pitbull
ROSE: If you listen closely, you can hear the sound of Rasputin rolling over in his grave, knowing his sexual and diplomatic prowess would be compared to a mid-tier bald rapper.
DAVE: oh shut your lesbian trap you arent allowed to say shit about pitbull
DAVE: like i said the dudes got mad sexual charisma that you cant understand
DAVE: rasputin would be lucky to be thought of in the same sentence as him
JOHN: wow dave, thats pretty gay.
ROSE: Good catch John. I’m delighted to add yet another piece to the pile of evidence in favor of Dave’s abysmal taste in men.
ROSE: Speaking of which, did your philosophy class paramour end up showing up to the party?
DAVE: oh god not this shit again
DAVE: first of all we are bros he isnt even that cute
DAVE: second of all yes he did come but just to like wingman his roommate
ROSE: Did you talk?
DAVE: i mean yeah
DAVE: ok look
DAVE: he did end up getting a little too wasted and his roommate left without him so i let him crash at my place
JOHN: woah you took him back to your place?
ROSE: Oh, I do believe I’ve heard this story before.
ROSE: Let me guess… there was only one bed? The lamentably small twin size mattresses this college unfortunately endows us with gave you just enough plausible deniability to claim “no homo” when you woke up wrapped in his arms?
DAVE: you both are out of your mind this was just a bro favor
DAVE: and you know full well i have two beds in my room
JOHN: so you chickened out of making a move.
JOHN: did you at least give him a goodnight bro-kiss?
DAVE: you cannot chicken out if you have no intention of ever making a move
JOHN: i mean you do talk about him all the time.
JOHN: you were flipping your shit about whether he was gonna show up or not.
DAVE: yeah because i thought we got in a fight
DAVE: im just such an outrageously generous person that i actually care about not being a complete asshole like who wouldve thought
JOHN: suuuure dave.
ROSE: We’re getting off track, I’d like to hear some more details about Dave’s “sleepover” before I have to meet Kanaya.
ROSE: Please, do spill the tea.
DAVE: look its not even interesting youre blowing it all way out of proportion
DAVE: he just crashed on the spare bed
DAVE: woke up in the morning and was hungover as fuck it was fucking disgusting
DAVE: like even if i did like him before i definitely wouldve gotten the ick immediately after watching him spill his guts all over the bathroom
DAVE: he went on a big rant about his roommate drama because he cannot fucking shut up
DAVE: and then he left
DAVE: and thats pretty much all there is to say on the matter
JOHN: wow, you fumbled so hard!
JOHN: you shouldve made a move.
JOHN: held back his hair when he threw up or something.
ROSE: I have to agree with John on this one.
ROSE: This story is directly contradicting your claims that you are a “rizzler.” I didn’t realize you were so shy Dave.
ROSE: If you needed a wingwoman to help you out, you should’ve mentioned it earlier. I’d be more than happy to extend my services to you at next week’s party.
DAVE: you guys are fucking crazy gossip machines
DAVE: imagining me together with any dude with a pulse if it gives you something funny to talk about
DAVE: im never telling you anything ever again
JOHN: haha, dave!
JOHN: you literally say this every time, lol.

John and Dave glance over at Rose, who has completely lost track of the conversation and is smiling into her phone.

JOHN: ewww rose youre becoming such a romantic.
JOHN: i never wouldve thought you had it in you.
JOHN: honestly, its kind of weird to even think about.
ROSE: Your desire to roast me for my romantic success is noted, and I will generously chalk it up to jealousy of the fact that I am the only one out of our sorry group who is, as Dave would say, “getting some.”
JOHN: ugh rose! gross!

Dave and Rose subtly high five while John buries his face in his hands.

ROSE: That being said, I really must be heading out. Dave, please send any updates on the ensuing situation. I predict this will only get more entertaining as time goes on.
JOHN: yeah, imma head out too, gotta finish another movie for class tonight. dont chicken out next time dave!
DAVE: yeah yeah
DAVE: think whatever you want about me if it helps distract you from your boring domestic bullshit
DAVE: later guys

Goddamn it. It was as if the two of them were put on this Earth for the sole purpose of completely fucking up operation: stop thinking about the Karkat situation. He will have to do better tomorrow. Surely having class with Karkat wouldn’t get in the way of that.

Chapter Text

TwinArmageddons [TA] began pestering CarcinoGeneticist [CG] at 5:51 a.m.

TA: dude.
TA: ii ju2t woke up and you arent here wtf.
TA: diid you get 2o drunk you forgot how two get home?
TA: iit2 ju2t me here at the dorm 2o you can come back…

TwinArmageddons [TA] ceased pestering CarcinoGeneticist [CG]

TwinArmageddons [TA] began pestering CarcinoGeneticist [CG] at 7:34 a.m.

TA: ok really where the fuck are you?
TA: iif you werent 2o antii-hookups iid be 2tartiing two thiink that maybe the iimpo22iible occurred and you actually managed two get laiid la2t niight.
TA: damn ii feel 2orry for the douchebag who2 beer goggle2 cau2ed them two go home wiith the liike2 of you, but ii gue22 iit happen2 two the be2t of u2 eheheheh.
TA: anyway2 congrat2 on the 2ex.

TwinArmageddons [TA] ceased pestering CarcinoGeneticist [CG]

TwinAmageddons [TA] began pestering CarcinoGeneticist [CG] at 7:58 a.m.

TA: ok, maybe delete what ii ju2t 2ent above.
TA: iim hungover a2 fuck and iim 2hiitiing all over my2elf for my own 2tupiid decii2ion2 la2t niight, and now iim ju2t makiing the whole thiing even wor2e.
TA: oh great, and now iim even talkiing liike you.
TA: look, iid prefer two ju2t iignore everythiing that happened iin the la2t 24 hours and go back two normal.
TA: but ii have a feeliing you are gonna try two be a diick two me for the next week about thii2 liike a liittle baby, 2o maybe we 2hould talk.
TA: …ii triied to be mature but ii thiink iim more embara22ed by thii2 than what ii 2ent you earliier FUCK.
TA: so, iif you want two avoiid me, fiine, but iid liike two know that youre ok 2o ii dont have two liike report you mii22iing or 2omethiing.
TA: you at lea2t owe me that much.
TA: 2o 2hoot me a me22age once you fini2h daydreamiing about your weddiing wiith whoever you fucked la2t niight.

TwinArmageddons [TA] ceased pestering CarcinoGeneticist [CG]

CarcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering TwinArmageddons [TA] at 10:34 am

CG: LOOK, LET’S JUST TALK.
CG: MEET YOU AT THE ROOM IN 15?
CG: AND IF ANY TRACE OF THAT UGLY DOUCHEBAG FROM LAST NIGHT IS STILL IN THERE WHEN I ARRIVE, I WILL ACTUALLY APPLY FOR A NEW ROOMMATE.
[TA] liked [CG]’s message.

CarcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased pestering TwinArmageddons [TA]

Karkat knocks on the door twice, cracks open the door, and sticks his head in cautiously. Sollux has his back to the door, typing furiously into his text editor, the noise cancelling headphones he purchased within 5 minutes of meeting Karkat blaring into his ears, so he doesn’t notice Karkat’s entrance. He walks up to Sollux and punches him lightly in the shoulder. Sollux jumps, before quickly relaxing and shifting one side of his headphones off his ear.

KARKAT: HEY.
KARKAT: I REALLY HOPE YOU AREN’T SENDING, LIKE, 15 ANXIOUS, CLINGY MESSAGES TO ALL YOUR BITCHES BEFORE 8 A.M. BECAUSE, GOD, THAT WAS SO FUCKING PATHETIC.
KARKAT: I GUESS IT EXPLAINS WHY YOU’VE NEVER MANAGED TO LOCK SOMEONE DOWN.
SOLLUX: 2crew you vanta2, youd be lucky two do as well as me.

In, which he later notes with a bit of pride, a rare moment of restraint, Karkat bites back a sharp retort. Pauses. He’s going to be real pissed off later if they get distracted fighting over nonsense instead of getting to the actual issues and, more importantly, getting the chance to rip Sollux a new one about that loser he hooked up with.

KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK WAS LAST NIGHT? DON’T TELL ME YOU BROUGHT THAT DISGUSTING HIPSTER FREAK BACK TO OUR PLACE.
SOLLUX: are you jealous or somethiing? ii kiind of fiigured you also got 2ome la2t niight given you diidnt come back.
SOLLUX: tru2t me thii2 wa2 nothiing two be jealous of iim probably actually sliightly more dii2gu2ted wiith my2elf thii2 morniing than you are about your2elf on a normal day.
SOLLUX: hone2tly, iim 2tarting two under2tand why youre 2o angry all the time.
SOLLUX: iit2 liike there2 been a voice in my head con2tantly remiindiing me of how de2perate and mii2erable ii was all fuckiing morniing.
SOLLUX: eiither way, 2orry KK, but were adult2 and you cant throw a temper tantrum ju2t becau2e youre jealou2 of all the a22 iim gettiing.

What the hell? Yeah, restraint and maturity can go fuck itself now. At least the conversation is on the track he wants it to be.

KARKAT: YES, I FUCKING CAN. RIGHT NOW I AM BEING REALLY GODDAMN MAGNANIMOUS LETTING YOU KEEP KICKING ME OUT EVERY OTHER NIGHT FOR THIS BULLSHIT, BUT I AM FEELING MORE AND MORE INCLINED TO MAKE THIS A HUGE PROBLEM FOR YOU.
KARKAT: AND I’M NOT FUCKING JEALOUS. I JUST, OCASIONALLY, WOULD LIKE FOR MY BEST FUCKING FRIEND TO NOT TREAT ME LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT, AND ACTUALLY ACT LIKE HE WANTS TO BE AROUND ME.
KARKAT: BUT, INSTEAD, YOU DECIDED IT WOULD BE MORE FUN TO MAKE REGRETTABLE ROMANTIC DECISIONS!
SOLLUX: oh my god you are 2uch a 2ap.
SOLLUX: plea2e dont tell me you actually cared about the bro2 niight 2tuff.
KARKAT: SO WHAT IF I DID? THIS WOULD NOT BE A FUCKING PROBLEM IN A NORMAL FRIENDSHIP.
KARKAT: IT MIGHT EVEN, GET THIS, BE APPRECIATED??
KARKAT: WHO WOULD’VE THOUGHT THAT YOUR FRIENDS WOULD WANT TO… HANG OUT WITH YOU? AND KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON WITH YOUR LIFE??
KARKAT: MAN, I HAD NO IDEA, BECAUSE I DECIDED TO BE FRIENDS WITH THE WORLD’S MOST EGOTISTICAL SHITHEAD WHO’S INCAPABLE OF MAINTAINING ANY RELATIONSHIP OTHER THAN THE ONE WITH HIS LAPTOP.
SOLLUX: oh my god, ii cant believe ii forgot that youre the neediie2t attentiion whore on the fuckiing planet.
SOLLUX: of cour2e ii hate you, our friiend2hiip ii2 buiilt on haviing 2omeone el2e two hate margiinally more than we hate our2elve2. thii2 ii2 how it2 alway2 been, 2o ii dont know why youre makiing 2uch a biig deal of iit now.
SOLLUX: you dont have two throw a fuckiing conniiptiion fiit ju2t becau2e ii wa2nt payiing attentiion two you for two 2econds.
KARKAT: OH WOW, A CLASSIC. LET’S TELL KARKAT HE’S BEING DELUSIONAL AND OVERDRAMATIC FOR BRINGING UP A PERFECTLY RELEVANT POINT.
KARKAT: I KNOW YOU KNOW THIS SHIT IS NOT NORMAL, EVEN FOR US.
KARKAT: AND THEN, THE ONE NIGHT IT ACTUALLY STARTS TO FEEL LIKE WE’RE BACK TO NORMAL AND HAVING FUN, IT TAKES YOU UNDER FIVE MINUTES TO STICK YOUR TONGUE DOWN THE THROAT OF THE ONLY PERSON AT THAT PARTY WHO LOOKS LIKE EVEN MORE OF A DOUCHEBAG THAN US.
KARKAT: EVEN A MORON WOULD GET THE SENSE THAT YOU DON’T WANT ME AROUND.

Karkat takes a deep breath before continuing.

KARKAT: LOOK, LAST SEMESTER WE WERE GOSSIPING ABOUT OUR DUMBASS FEELINGS UNTIL 4AM. THESE DAYS, MORE OFTEN THEN NOT, I LEARN ABOUT NEW DEVELOPMENTS IN YOUR LOVE LIFE FOR THE FIRST TIME WHEN YOU SEND ME THE TEXT TELLING ME YOU’RE KICKING ME OUT OF THE ROOM. I THOUGHT YOU LIKED MY ADVICE?
SOLLUX: yeah, well, when ii 2topped takiing your datiing adviice ii 2tarted actually pulliing chiicks.
SOLLUX: iits al2o very generous to call this my “love liife.”

Sollux pulls his headphones all the way off and sets them on top of his laptop, getting up to sit next to Karkat on his bed.

SOLLUX: look KK, 2ome of thiis ii2 per2onal iinformatiion that iid rather not 2hare, but iif we gotta do 2ome more feeliing2 jam2 two get back two normal then we can go22iip a liittle more often about how my datiing liife i2 margiinally le22 pathetiic than your2.
SOLLUX: ii wa2 ju2t worriied you miight 2tart two thiink i wa2 rubbiing my 2ucce22 iin your face eheheheh.
KARKAT: OH FUCK YOU. BOTH OF US KNOW THAT’S NOT WHY YOU’RE HIDING THIS SHIT FROM ME, BUT CLEARLY YOU’RE TOO FUCKED UP TO ACTUALLY SAY IT, SO, WHATEVER, I CAN WORK WITH THIS FOR NOW.
KARKAT: YOU’LL TELL ME MORE ABOUT WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON WITH YOU, I’LL TRY TO BE LESS OF A CLINGY BITCH. DEAL?
SOLLUX: eheheheh a2 iif that2 even remotely po22iible for you two do.
SOLLUX: ok, what depre22iingly fucked up detaiil2 do you want?
KARKAT: I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHY.
SOLLUX: youre makiing iit iinto a biigger deal than iit ii2, iit wa2 ju2t a rebound after fef dumped me.
SOLLUX: ii ju2t wanted to be wiith 2omeone iin ca2e 2he 2aw me.
SOLLUX: wow, thank2 for makiing me 2piill my moroniic feeliing2 KK. ii feel 2o much better haviing voiiced, out loud, how much of a desperate lo2er ii am. ii2nt friien2hiip iincrediible?
KARKAT: DID YOU REALLY THINK YOU COULD MAKE HER JEALOUS BY MAKING OUT WITH THE KIND OF GUY WHO WEARS A FUCKING SCARF IN A FRAT BASEMENT.
SOLLUX: oh you dont even know the half of it.
KARKAT: WHAT, DID HE PULL A LABUBU OUT OF HIS TOTE BAG?
SOLLUX: not what ii mean.
SOLLUX: and tru2t me, what ii mean ii2 2o much wor2e.
SOLLUX: there are other… actiiviitiie2 he doe2nt take the 2carf off for.
KARKAT: OH.
KARKAT: OH MY GOD.
KARKAT: DID HE ACTUALLY?
KARKAT: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
KARKAT: THIS IS SO FUCKING AWESOME.
KARKAT: I’M ACTUALLY AT A LOSS FOR WORDS FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.
SOLLUX: you alway2 make me feel 2o valiid in my liife decii2iion2 KK.
SOLLUX: thank you for lettiing me open up two you about my deepe2t darke2t trauma.
SOLLUX: iim 2o glad my 2ufferiing briing2 you 2o much joy.
KARKAT: OH FUCK OFF, YOU DESERVE EACH OTHER. MR. “UNIRONICALLY WEARS COLORED GLASSES” AND MR. “THE SCARF STAYS ON DURING SEX” IS BASICALLY A MATCH MADE IN HEAVEN.
SOLLUX: iid feel wor2e iif ii wa2nt 2ure you have an even wor2e 2tory.
KARKAT: HAH, YOU WISH.
KARKAT: I JUST CRASHED AT STRIDER’S CAUSE I DIDN’T WANT TO COME HOME TO WHATEVER FUCKED UP SHIT WAS GOING ON BACK HERE.
SOLLUX: ii call b2, he2 way out of your league.
KARKAT: NO, WE DIDN’T HOOK UP.
KARKAT: ALSO, COME ON, NORMALLY I WOULD PROBABLY AGREE IF YOU SAID SOMEONE WAS OUT OF MY LEAGUE, BUT I DRAW THE LINE AT POSERS WHO WEAR SUNGLASSES INDOORS.
KARKAT: AND I’M INCLUDING YOU IN THAT DEMOGRAPHIC.
SOLLUX: 2o you had, what.
SOLLUX: a platoniic 2leepover?
SOLLUX: are you guy2 buddiie2 or 2omethiing now?
KARKAT: NOW WHO’S JEALOUS??
KARKAT: BUT, IN ALL SERIOUSNESS…
KARKAT: POSSIBLY??
KARKAT: HONESTLY, IT’S HARD TO TELL. HE’S ANNOYING BUT HE WAS ACTUALLY PRETTY FUCKING NICE AND KIND OF SAVED MY ASS LAST NIGHT.
KARKAT: IN THE SPIRIT OF FULL DISCLOSURE, I WAS PRETTY DRUNK LAST NIGHT, AND HE DIDN’T MAKE A BIG DEAL ABOUT IT.
KARKAT: IT WAS… KIND OF NICE TO FEEL LIKE SOMEONE CARED ABOUT ME, I GUESS.
KARKAT: EVEN IF I DON’T REALLY GIVE A SHIT ABOUT HIM.
SOLLUX: ok, ok, ii wa2 an a22 for leaviing you there la2t niight, no need to make 2uch a biig deal about iit. iim 2ure youll return the favor 2oon.

Karkat’s eyes are pointed downwards, Sollux’s rambling in the background of his thoughts.

KARKAT: OR, RATHER, DIDN’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT HIM? I DON’T EVEN KNOW AT THIS POINT.
KARKAT: BUT YEAH. IT FEELS REALLY WEIRD, LIKE I OWE HIM SOME SORT OF NICER BEHAVIOR NOW BECAUSE HE WAS NICE TO ME.
KARKAT: I CAN’T TELL IF THIS MEANS I JUST FEEL GUILTY FOR HURLING IN FRONT OF HIM. OR IF I ACTUALLY WANT TO BE NICE TO HIM THOUGH.
SOLLUX: you thiink you miight liike hiim?
KARKAT: OH, IT’S NOT LIKE THAT. JUST, I’M NOT REALLY SURE HOW TO ACT AROUND HIM NOW?
KARKAT: THE RELATIONSHIP IS DEFINITELY DIFFERENT BUT I DON’T REALLY UNDERSTAND IN WHAT WAY.
KARKAT: BUT, WHO AM I KIDDING, OF COURSE I’M GOING TO SPEND HOURS AGONIZING OVER HOW I SHOULD ACT AROUND HIM ONLY TO SPIT OUT THE MOST MORONIC THING THAT COMES TO MIND, IMMEDIATELY, ONCE I’M ACTUALLY IN FRONT OF HIM.
SOLLUX: fuck
SOLLUX: thii2 ii2 2o tame and boriing and 2appy.
SOLLUX: you 2ound liike a teenager overthiinkiing a playground cru2h.
KARKAT: I DON’T LIKE HIM.
SOLLUX: look. normal people are not a2 belliigerent a2 you. he ii2nt goiing to thiink youre beiing weiird iif you are 2liightly le22 of an a22 two hiim. he wiill probably be reliieved that you are fiinally actiing “normal.”
SOLLUX: at least, relatiive two how you u2ually functiion.
KARKAT: YEAH, YOU’RE PROBABLY RIGHT.
KARKAT: WOW, CAN’T IMAGINE I’LL BE SAYING THAT TO YOU AGAIN ANYTIME SOON.
KARKAT: ENJOY IT.
SOLLUX: oh my god, a rare complement. two bad ii dont place my entiire 2en2e of 2elf-worth on the opiiniion2 of moron2.
KARKAT: SHUT UP, YOU KNOW YOU’RE FUCKING GIDDY. I CAN SEE YOU SMILING.
SOLLUX: iim 2miiliing becau2e ii ju2t burned you 2o fuckiing bad the doctor ju2t told me iit2 termiinal.
SOLLUX: anyway2, look, ii gotta get back two work, but diid we 2atii2fy the vanta2 friiend2hiip feeliing2 jam quota for the day?

Karkat stops to think for a second. Huh. For the last few minutes, he forgot about what he came here for, and it actually started to feel like things were back to normal.

KARKAT: YEAH, FINE, FOR NOW.
KARKAT: THIS IS NOT THE END OF OUR ISSUES, BUT THIS IS BETTER.
KARKAT: I’LL SEE YOU LATER TONIGHT?
SOLLUX: yeah, dont worry, iill be around two coach you through your next 2trider-related emotiional breakdown 2iince he2 all you ever talk about the2e day2.
KARKAT: OH FUCK OFF, I DO NOT.
SOLLUX: iill keep an eye out for the weddiing notiifiicatiion.
SOLLUX: later
KARKAT: LATER, DIPSHIT.

Chapter Text

DAVE: oh fuck

Dave looks down. He’s stepped directly in what appears to be a relatively small puddle, but he already feels the freezing water spreading around his entire foot. It’s a feeling he knows well, even if he’s used to it in a comparatively warmer climate. He lifts up his tennis shoe to examine the sole and, yup, he can see the beginnings of the interior fabric poking out, the rubber entirely worn through at a spot in the front. He’s about 3 minutes away from his dorm, 5 minutes away from class, and class starts in 10 minutes. His choices are:

1. To grab new socks, be a few minutes late to class, and throw away his plan to get to class early and pick a seat as far as possible from where Karkat usually sat. Based on a mountain of evidence from both last night and this morning, stopping thinking about Karkat was not working, and avoidance was the only possible solution.

2. To suffer through class with a soaked foot, and potentially get frostbite or some other cold based disease?? (he doesn’t know this shit, he’s from Texas for fuck’s sake)

Of course the cold wins. The potential fear of sitting next to and saying something stupid to Karkat could never compare to the real time numbness starting to spread though his foot - it’s maybe the first thing that managed to shock his brain out of thinking about Karkat on loop this whole morning. Why had he ever thought going to college in a place that experiences actual winter was a good idea?

Running into his dorm, he yanks off the shoe and puts on two pairs of dry socks. He can’t even find two clean pairs at this point so he just grabs one of them from his dirty laundry pile, and now he can add laundry to the neverending pile of shit he needs to do. Fuck, he can’t be thinking about that, he just needs to get to class right now. He opens his desk drawer, grabs the duct tape and wraps it around the front of his shoe.

It looks like complete shit. The old sneakers and no coat look he was rocking before worked in some sort of over the top, rebellious teen way, like maybe he had some warmer shit at home but he was too cool to wear some ugly ass puffer and boots. But he didn’t know how he was going to pull this off if someone asked about it. The grey duct tape clashed with the red of the sneakers, and it just looked… trashy. Like he couldn’t afford a new pair of shoes. Which was objectively true, but he didn’t need other people thinking that.

And of course all this was happening right before he had to see Karkat.

Well, not like there was any time to worry about it. Dave bursts out the door and jogs to class. Maybe nobody would even notice. How often do people even look at shoes anyway? He tries to remember what kind of shoes John and Rose wear, draws a blank, and decides it’s probably fine for now. At least until he can replace the duct tape with some shoe glue, or scrounge up some extra shifts at the coffee shop.

****

Dave stumbles into class, thankfully only three minutes late, and the class is already split off into small groups discussing the reading, so no one really notices except Karkat, whose glare Dave pointedly avoids as he looks to the prof for instructions. She scans the room before indicating for him to join the group with, of fucking course, Karkat and Terezi. The worst possible scenario. Well, there’s only one way to get through this shit, and that’s to draw as much attention away from his shoes as possible while making sure to not act like a fucking simp around Karkat. At least Terezi will be there to riff off.

KARKAT: YOU’RE LATE.
DAVE: huh, i guess i hadnt noticed
DAVE: got a lot of shit to do these days kinda hard to make it everywhere on time
DAVE: you know how it is

Dave watches Karkat’s face fall from curiosity to stern disappointment before putting his face in his hands, rubbing his temples. Dave looks away immediately.

KARKAT: OH, I SEE, YOU’RE BACK TO BEING A TOOL. SERVES ME RIGHT FOR THINKING THERE MIGHT EVER BE ANY HOPE FOR YOU.
KARKAT: COME ON TEREZI, LET’S GET BACK TO IT. HE’S NOT GOING TO BE ANY HELP HERE.
TEREZI: BLUUUH WHY 4R3 YOU L1K3 TH1S? >:/

The disdain in Karkat’s voice makes Dave’s stomach drop.

DAVE: nah bro just cause im late doesnt mean i didnt do the reading even if it was a total snoozefest
DAVE: whatre you guys talking about
TEREZI: WOW, WH4T 4 STUD1OUS COOLK1D >;]
TEREZI: W3 4R3 D1SCUSS1NG TH3 P4NOPT1CON CH4PT3R OF TH3 R34D1NG
DAVE: oh yea that shit was kind of sick
TEREZI: OH D4V3, TH3R3 1S NOTH1NG MOR3 S1CK
TEREZI: B3C4US3 W3 4R3 T4LK1NG 4BOUT…
TEREZI: JUST1C3!
TEREZI: 4LTHOUGH 1T 1S 4 PR3TTY BOR1NG 1MPL3M3NT4T1ON OF POW3R, 3V3N 1F 3FF3CT1V3
DAVE: bro that shit is straight up dystopian how do you find that boring
DAVE: like some surveillance state bs keeping everyone from doing anything fucked up because theyre constantly scared of being watched
TEREZI: BUT TH3N HOW C4N YOU SM3LL TH3 SW33T SW33T ODOR OF TH3 BLOOD OF YOUR 3N3M13S, D4V3? UNL3SS TH3Y DO SOM3TH1NG WRONG 4ND YOU HUNT TH3M DOWN?
TEREZI: HMMMM?
DAVE: oh shit for a second there i forgot how fucked up you are
DAVE: my bad
DAVE: honestly i think in the panopticon id be shitting my pants
DAVE: or wait maybe i wouldnt
DAVE: dont exactly want someone to see that
DAVE: actually i think this is a really good question
DAVE: what do you think is the bathroom situation in the panopticon?
TEREZI: WOW, TH3 L4M3 POOP JOK3 4R3 USU4LLY MOR3 OF K4RK4T’S TH1NG
TEREZI: 1 GU3SS H3’S ST4RT1NG TO RUB OFF ON YOU D4V3
TEREZI: 1 3XP3CT3D B3TT3R OF YOU
DAVE: dont you dare say that they are not even remotely similar
DAVE: my poop jokes are funny if moderetely immature karkats poop jokes are like always part of some weird self deprecating bs that someone as cool as me would never need to stoop to in order to be funny
DAVE: also i think we legitimately killed karkat

Karkat is cradling his face in both his hands, groaning.

DAVE: dude, are you ok?
DAVE: i feel like you wouldve gotten used to me and terezis bs at this point but ig not?
KARKAT: I SHOULDN’T HAVE TO GET USED TO YOUR BS, YOU SHOULD START ACTING LIKE FUCKING ADULTS.
KARKAT: WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE DISCUSSING THE READING. THE MESSAGE AND ESSENCE OF THE READING. THE PHILOSOPHICAL IMPLICATIONS OF IT IN THE REAL WORLD. NOT GETTING DISTRACTED BY THE LOGISTICS OF TAKING A SHIT IN THE PANOPTICON.
DAVE: idk man i think this is actually a pretty important question
DAVE: maybe more on topic to you would be how do you get a stick so far up your ass in the panopticon
DAVE: i mean i cant speak for terezi but from my perspective your whole better than thou shtick is pretty fucking embarassing to watch
DAVE: maybe you give the watcher so much second hand embarrassment that they cant even bear to watch you?
DAVE: hey actually that might have some merit
TEREZI: BL44444R YOU GUYS N33D TO STOP F1GHT1NG
TEREZI: K4RK4T W3 W3R3 JUST M4K1NG 4 JOK3 4ND 1T WOULDNT B3 4N 1SSU3 1F YOU D1DNT M4K3 SUCH 4 B1G D34L 4BOUT 1T
KARKAT: OH YES, OF COURSE, I’M THE ONE MAKING A “BIG DEAL” OUT OF EVERYTHING, BUT THE FACT THAT DAVE JUST KEEPS TRYING TO DERAIL THE CONVERSATION, CLEARLY AS SOME WAY OF COMPENSATING FOR HOW MUCH OF AN IDIOT HE IS, IS TOTALLY FINE?!
KARKAT: WE WERE HAVING A GREAT, EDUCATIONAL TIME DISCUSSING THIS WITH ONLY OCCASIONAL, WEIRDLY MORBID, COMMENTS FROM TEREZI TO DISTRACT US BEFORE STRIDER SHOWED UP .
TEREZI: HUH, 1 F33L L1K3 TH3 F4CT TH4T YOU W3R3 CONST4NTLY CH3CK1NG TH3 DOOR TO S33 IF D4V3 W4S COM1NG W4S PR3TTY D1STR4CT1NG >;]

Dave immediately feels his cheeks heat up, and then subsequently reprimands himself for that. It doesn’t matter at all that Karkat was waiting for him to show up. Ok, it matters a little, but it shouldn’t change the way Dave is acting. He needs to be unbothered by this. Why can’t he be unbothered by this? What can he say to show how unbothered he is by this?

DAVE: awwwww kitkat, did you miss me?
KARKAT: I ABSOLUTELY DID NOT.
TEREZI: WOW, TH1S 1S SO STUP1D
TEREZI: C4N W3 G3T B4CK TO T4LK1NG 4BOUT HOW TO T4K3 4 P1SS 1N TH3 P4NOPT1CON?
DAVE: actually
DAVE: i have a better idea
DAVE: so youve heard of the panopticon
DAVE: but have you considered
DAVE: the pan-cock-ticon
KARKAT: PLEASE, GOD, TELL ME THIS ISN’T HAPPENING.
TEREZI: >:o
TEREZI: 1 DON’T TH1NK 1’V3 H34RD OF TH1S P4NCOCKT1CON YOU SP34K OF
TEREZI: M4YB3 YOU C4N EXPL41N 1T? SUR3LY 1T 1S 4N OBJ3CT OF TRU3 SCHOL4RLY M3R1T
DAVE: well i didnt actually think any further than that the name would probably piss off karkat
DAVE: but if i had to guess
DAVE: it either has something to do with some crazy exhibitionism shit
DAVE: or the fact that ive drawn an obscene amount of cocks in the margins of my copy of the book
KARKAT: GOD, YOU’RE SO FUCKING DISGUSTING.
KARKAT: ALWAYS WITH THE FUCKING COCKS DRAWN EVERYWHERE.
KARKAT: IT’S LIKE YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR STAGNATED AT THE AGE OF TWELVE AND NOW YOU’RE DESTINED TO BE UNABLE TO COME UP WITH A REMOTELY ORIGINAL JOKE FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
KARKAT: THIS IS THE WORK OF A FUCKING PHILOSOPHER, DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THAT IT DESERVES SOME MODICUM OF RESPECT?
DAVE: but like foucaults gay right so hed probably appreciate that right
KARKAT: THAT IS SO, UNBELIEVABLY, FUCKED UP.
KARKAT: WHAT, IS THAT WHY YOU KEEP MAKING DICK JOKES TO ME ALL THE TIME? BECAUSE YOU THINK I’LL LIKE IT BECAUSE I’M BI?
DAVE: oh no
DAVE: i just like dicks because im
DAVE: like
DAVE: a massive homo
TEREZI: >:?
DAVE: and also i think dicks are just funny no matter what
DAVE: but like regardless if i wrote a book id be pretty psyched if some kids were drawing dicks in it
DAVE: like theyd be carrying on my legacy and dont even know it

Karkat actually looks speechless. He sits there for a full ten seconds, before going to open his mouth, just as the professor calls them back for a full class discussion. Dave figures this is as good of an opportunity as any to zone out and congratulate himself for coming out in such a chill way and for fucking with Karkat enough to make up for his sentimental behavior over the weekend.

****

Dave finishes up the end of class by watching Karkat get into some passionate argument with another student about some aspect of the reading. He’s not really paying attention to what he’s saying, more the way his face gets this slight tint of red, the way his arms up and down at his sides in big waving motions when he gets into the heat of the argument. It’s only been a day since he saw Karkat last, but he realizes that he did miss him, and missed how nice it was to see him like this, at his most animated, instead of in that vaguely embarrassed and confused state that he was in at Dave’s place over the weekend.

Maybe it wouldn’t be a bad idea to see him more, maybe invite him to grab some coffee after class? He isn’t sure if Karkat would get along with John and Rose… maybe Kanaya? But wait, no, that’s way too forward. It didn’t matter if he wanted to see Karkat more now, he was way too emotionally invested and way too likely to say something stupid to invite him to hang out now. He needed to play this smart, wait a bit, and then after a few days, maybe they could hang out again outside of class. The modus operandi is going to have to be avoidance until he gets the hang of not making such a goddamn fool of himself in front of Karkat all the time.

In accordance with this, once the class is dismissed, Dave grabs his bag and makes a beeline for the door.

KARKAT: NOT SO FAST, STRIDER.

Oh. Fuck.

Karkat grabs him by the arm and before Dave even really realizes what’s happening, he’s being dragged down the hallway and then cornered by a really pissed off Karkat.

KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?
DAVE: uh dude
DAVE: youre the one who like dragged me over here so i think probably i should be the one asking you that
KARKAT: ARE YOU TRYING TO BE DELIBERATELY OBTUSE?
KARKAT: LAST WE TALKED YOU WERE PRANCING ABOUT LIKE SOME FUCKING PARAGON OF MATURITY, WAVING YOUR APOLOGIES AND COFFEE OFFERINGS IN MY FACE.
KARKAT: AND TODAY YOU’RE JUST BACK TO THE USUAL BULLSHIT ABOUT ABOUT HOW I’M A TRYHARD WHO NEEDS TO LET UP, AND YOU’RE SO COOL AND FUNNY AND EVERYONE FUCKING LOVES YOU EVEN THOUGH YOU’RE ACTING LIKE YOU SHOULD BE WEARING A FUCKING DIAPER.
KARKAT: AND NO ONE OTHER THAN ME SEEMS TO REALIZE HOW STUPID IT ALL IS!
KARKAT: I JUST DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK I’M SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE ABOUT YOU.
KARKAT: ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE FUN OF ME STILL? BECAUSE IT’S KIND OF HARD TO BELIEVE WHAT YOU SAID THIS WEEKEND WHEN YOU ACT DIFFERENT EVERY TIME I SEE YOU.

Karkat steps away and takes a deep breath.

KARKAT: LOOK, I KNOW YOU AREN’T DUMB.
KARKAT: AND I KNOW YOU TRY JUST AS HARD AS ME. EVEN IF EVERYTHING OUT OF YOUR MOUTH IS STUPID, IT’S STILL CLEAR YOU KNOW WHAT WE’RE TALKING ABOUT IN CLASS.
KARKAT: SO, THEN, WHY THE HELL DO YOU TRY SO HARD TO ACT LIKE YOU DON’T ACTUALLY GIVE A FUCK WHAT’S GOING ON? AND WHY DO YOU TRY TO MAKE IT SEEM LIKE YOU’RE BETTER THAN PEOPLE BECAUSE YOU DON’T CARE?
DAVE: uh
DAVE: look man i think youre reading way too far into this
DAVE: im just trying to have some fun
DAVE: not all of us have got to be mr big serious academic like you
KARKAT: BULLSHIT.
KARKAT: WE TALKED ABOUT ALL MY FUCKED UP SHIT YESTERDAY SO WE ARE GOING TO TALK ABOUT YOUR FUCKED UP SHIT NOW, WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT.
DAVE: dude its really not that serious
DAVE: can you just let me go
KARKAT: NO!

They stare at each other for long enough for it to start to feel awkward. Thank god for the sunglasses.

DAVE: sooooo
DAVE: then what do i have to do
DAVE: say some magic words of emotional availability to get you to believe in my wholesome kindness again
KARKAT: SHUT UP.
KARKAT: YOU CAN LEAVE WHEN I UNDERSTAND WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON WITH YOU.
DAVE: uh i think thats pretty obvious
KARKAT: THEN WHAT, PRAY TELL, IS GOING ON?
DAVE: im just
DAVE: really fucking cool ok?
DAVE: and i think you just cant understand that
DAVE: because
DAVE: youre
DAVE: idk kind of weird and angry and honestly about as far from chill as possible
KARKAT: OH, YOU ARE SO FUCKING OBNOXIOUS.

Karkat looks genuinely sad behind the anger. It’s the same look in his eyes that he had when Dave saw him after the party, when he was talking about his roommate. Like he was let down by someone he cared about. And Dave already feels the urge to do whatever it takes to rub that expression off his face, to reassure Karkat that he can do better.

DAVE: look
DAVE: its just
DAVE: this shit is complex
DAVE: we can talk about it but like its really not a big deal
DAVE: i dont hate you but i dont know why you care so much if i act like an idiot its not like it even really affects you
KARKAT: IT DOES AFFECT ME.
KARKAT: LOOK, I’VE GOT TO GO RIGHT NOW, BUT
KARKAT: I NEED TO BUY YOU A COFFEE TO PAY YOU BACK FROM THIS WEEKEND ANYWAYS.
KARKAT: I HAVE YOUR CHUMHANDLE. I’LL TEXT YOU LATER.
DAVE: oooooh mr vantas
DAVE: youre takin me out on a date?
KARKAT: OH, FUCK OFF. YOU REALLY CANNOT BE SERIOUS ABOUT ANYTHING, CAN YOU?
KARKAT: I DON’T WANT TO DEAL WITH THIS. FIGURE OUT WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO IN THE NEXT FEW HOURS IN ORDER TO GET BACK TO HOW YOU WERE THIS WEEKEND.
KARKAT: THEN, MAYBE, WE CAN TALK ABOUT THIS IN A REASONABLE WAY. OTHERWISE, I ACTUALLY DON’T WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU.

Karkat turns on his heel, walking out the hallway, not looking back once, and Dave feels the dread start to pool in his stomach again as he leans back against the wall. How the hell did he fuck this up so bad? And does he actually want to do something about it?

Really, Dave can only think of one person who he doesn’t feel mortified at the prospect of talking to about this.

TurntechGodhead [TG] began pestering TipsyGnostalgic [TG]

TG: hey rox
TG: are you working?
TG: i may or may not be kind of flipping the fuck out at the moment

Chapter Text

Karkat storms down the hall and out of the building, making an effort to purposefully stomp his feet even harder than usual, pounding into Dave’s brain just how serious he is. Thank fucking god he had scheduled to grab coffee with Jade after class, he really needed to rant to someone instead of just spiraling out on his own.

Not that he’s going to miss out on the opportunity for a five minute anger spiral on the way over to the cafe. It was basically impossible for him not to; it felt like his brain was whirling in a thousand different directions at once, all arguing with each other, coalescing together into a festering pit of anger. There was the dichotomy between his hesitant excitement to see Dave before class, and the frustration he felt almost immediately after the actual interaction. There was the surprise at how easily his brain flooded with completely irrational, yet genuine, concern when he didn’t see Dave yet when class started. Did he really get that attached that quickly? Was he that desperate for friendship?

And, of course, he’d gotten his hopes up for nothing. As of right now, all signs were pointing to Dave being exactly who Karkat initially thought he was.

Still half in his head, Karkat throws open the door to the cafe with enough force to slam into the back of a chair, startling the customers sitting nearby. Jade glances up at the noise, her face a mix of concern and… yep, that looks like embarrassment. Of fucking course. Because like this, he’s too much for even a friend to tolerate.

JADE: wow karkat, that was quite an entrance!
KARKAT: SHUT IT, HARLEY.
KARKAT: I WAS ALREADY ON THE VERGE OF LOSING MY SHIT.
KARKAT: I DO NOT NEED YOU TO TELL ME HOW I COULD’VE MADE LESS OF AN ASS OUT OF MYSELF BY WALKING IN AND TAKING A GIANT PISS ALL OVER THE FLOOR.
JADE: stoooooooop
JADE: i would not have said anything like that!
JADE: really karkat you are always assuming other people are just as lame and judgemental as you
JADE: surprise! no one cares
JADE: i am just concerned because you seem more angry than usual which is saying something…
JADE: but thats what im here for!
JADE: whats the problem today?
KARKAT: IT’S NOT REALLY A BIG DEAL, HONESTLY.
KARKAT: I SHOULD’VE EXPECTED THIS.
KARKAT: HOW DOES THAT EXPRESSION GO AGAIN?
KARKAT: IF IT LOOKS LIKE A FUCKING ASSHOLE, SWIMS LIKE A FUCKING ASSHOLE, AND QUACKS LIKE A FUCKING ASSHOLE, THEN IF YOU TRY TO GET CLOSE TO IT, YOU PROBABLY SHOULDN’T BE ALL THAT SURPRISED WHEN IT SPITS OUT A HOT LOAD OF SHIT RIGHT INTO YOUR PATIENTLY WAITING ARMS.
JADE: hmmm, i dont remember the phrase generally going that way…
KARKAT: EVEN IF IT ACTS LIKE A DECENT HUMAN BEING FOR MAYBE HALF A SECOND, YOU DON’T LET THAT OUTWEIGH THE MOUNTAIN OF EVIDENCE JUMPING UP AND DOWN, WAVING A HUGE SIGN, POINTING RIGHT AT GIANT FUCKING ASSHOLE!
JADE: shuuuuuuut uuuuuuuuuuuuup
JADE: you are not explaining this in a way which makes it easy to help you!
JADE: we need to discuss this chronologically if you want me to solve your problem
JADE: i need allllllll the details

Jade flips a page of her notebook, and a sea of variables written down in loopy, curly handwriting disappears under a blank sheet of graph paper. At the top of the page she writes “karkat’s being overdramatic again…” and underlines it. Below that, she writes “initial conditions:” and pointedly raises an eyebrow at him. It would be patronizing as all hell if Karkat didn’t already know that Jade didn’t have a mean bone in her body.

JADE: sooooo where do we start?
KARKAT: GOD, NO NEED TO BE SO CUTE ABOUT IT.
KARKAT: YOU ALREADY KNOW MOST OF THE DETAILS ANYWAYS.
KARKAT: SHITTY ASSHOLE IN MY PHIL CLASS IS ANNOYING AS SHIT.
JADE: but you said he was kinda fun too!
KARKAT: OH, YEAH, SURE, ABOUT AS FUN AS PROJECTILE VOMITING INTO A HOT, FESTERING BUCKET OF SHUT THE FUCK UP.
JADE: ugh
KARKAT: SORRY.
KARKAT: I TOLD YOU I WENT TO HIS PARTY RIGHT?
KARKAT: IN SOME FUCKED UP ATTEMPT TO FIX SOLLUX’S GIRL PROBLEMS, WHICH I THINK ACTUALLY MADE THEM DRASTICALLY WORSE.

Jade scrunches up her face in mock disgust, prompting a huff of laughter from Karkat.

JADE: yeah… you can spare me the details on that one…
KARKAT: GLADLY.
JADE: ok, but you texted me that you also crashed at dave’s place?
JADE: which was what i originally wanted to ask you about today!
KARKAT: OK, YES, I STUPIDLY GOT FUCKING DESTROYED AT THE PARTY.
KARKAT: HE HAD A SPARE BED AND OFFERED TO HELP ME BACK AND LET ME CRASH AT HIS.
KARKAT: WHICH WAS WEIRD AS SHIT, BUT PROBABLY I WAS TOO DRUNK TO PUT UP MUCH OF A FIGHT.
JADE: kinda hard to imagine that!
JADE: hehehe
KARKAT: OH, FUCK OFF, I CAN’T REMEMBER ANYWAYS.
KARKAT: ALL I KNOW IS, I WOKE UP THERE, AND HE WAS ACTUALLY BEING REALLY FUCKING NICE?
KARKAT: I MEAN, HE STILL TALKED IN HIS USUAL STUPID TOOLY WAY.
KARKAT: BUT HE GOT ME A COFFEE? AND HE DIDN’T ACT LIKE I WAS A DISGUSTING FREAK AFTER I THREW UP? WHICH I WOULD NOT HAVE BLAMED HIM FOR DOING.
KARKAT: HE MADE SURE I GOT HOME SAFE WHEN HE HAD NO OBLIGATION TO DO SO, AND TALKED ME THROUGH SOME OF THE ISSUES I HAD WITH SOLLUX.
KARKAT: AND IT WAS ACTUALLY DECENT ENOUGH ADVICE??
KARKAT: LIKE, I FELT WAY BETTER ABOUT THE SITUATION AFTER TALKING TO HIM. WHICH IS THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF HOW I USUALLY FEEL AFTER TALKING TO STRIDER, TODAY INCLUDED.
KARKAT: I DON’T KNOW, IT WAS LIKE I GOT MY HOPES UP WAY TOO HIGH THAT WE WERE GOING TO BE FRIENDS OR SOMETHING AFTER THIS. WHICH, I KNOW, IS DESPERATE AS SHIT.
KARKAT: GOD, THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING TO SAY OUT LOUD GIVEN HOW HE SHAT ALL OVER THOSE HOPES EARLIER TODAY.
KARKAT: JUST BACK TO THE USUAL MOCKING, AS IF NOTHING HAD CHANGED.

Karkat starts to feel his eyes beginning to well up, his throat catching. He looks down and away from Jade, already knowing her eyes will be wide with panic over how emotional he’s getting.

JADE: oh, no, karkat
JADE: dont worry!
JADE: i mean, who even cares about this guy
JADE: youve already got a bestie right here who gets you your favorite coffee when you get upset :)

Jade shoves a steaming mug under Karkat’s nose, right into his line of sight. The warm smell wafts up towards him and he forces out a noise from his throat that sounds like a mix between a sob and a laugh, the corners of his mouth involuntarily lifting. Sure, Harley wasn’t always great with the overemotional stuff, but in the end, she was a damn good friend. For some reason, being logical to a fault didn’t exempt her from being one of the most joyful and caring people he’d ever met.

KARKAT: THANKS JADE.
KARKAT: REALLY.
KARKAT: AND I DIDN’T MEAN THAT LIKE YOU AND SOLLUX DON’T CARE ABOUT ME, I KNOW YOU DO.
KARKAT: YOU GUYS DON'T COMPLETELY SUCK AND I PROBABLY DON’T SAY THAT ENOUGH.
JADE: damn right! hehehe
KARKAT: IT’S JUST, YOU’RE WITH NEPETA NOW, AND SOLLUX IS WITH… I MEAN, WHO KNOWS, IT’S SOMEONE NEW EVERY WEEK.
JADE: or even every day! hahahaha its like keeping up with a celebrity!
JADE: i have no idea how he does it, theres like a thousand solluxes in my physics classes and, trust me, NONE of them pull
JADE: hes an anomaly
KARKAT: I KNOW, THEY SHOULD STUDY HIM.
KARKAT: BUT, ANYWAYS, YOU GUYS HAVE OTHER PEOPLE IN YOUR LIVES NOW, WHO SHOULD PROBABLY TAKE PRECEDENCE OVER ME. WHICH IS PERFECTLY UNDERSTANDABLE. I JUST THINK THAT IN THAT CASE I SHOULD PROBABLY…

Jade slams her hand down on the table, interrupting Karkat's train of thought. When he looks up, the frustration on her face is palpable.

JADE: ughhhhhhhhhhhhh
JADE: do you really think so little of us??
JADE: we are not going to abandon you, stop being so melodramatic!
KARKAT: I MEAN, THINGS ARE DEFINITELY GOING TO BE DIFFERENT.
JADE: that doesn’t mean it has to be worse!
JADE: how about… hmmmmmm
JADE: oh! what about if i introduce you to nepeta!
JADE: then all three of us can hang out together AND you get a new friend
JADE: problem solved! and nepetas better than this lame dave guy anyways
JADE: so, two problems solved in one! am i on a roll or what :o

Karkat finally looks up and meets Jade’s eyes. She’s sporting a toothy grin, her big, hopeful eyes made to look even larger behind her round glasses. He can’t help but feel a bit of warmth at the suggestion. Yeah, it doesn’t fix the Dave problem the way she thinks it does, but it probably would be nice to get to meet Jade’s girlfriend. Honestly, it kind of reminds him of some of the things that Dave said earlier about this…

KARKAT: OK.
KARKAT: YEAH, LET’S DO IT, I’D LOVE TO MEET NEPETA.
JADE: yay!
KARKAT: BUT THAT DOESN’T FIX THE DAVE ISSUE.
JADE: boooooooo
JADE: why are you so hung up on this guy??
JADE: it just makes zero sense
KARKAT: I KNOW, I KNOW.
KARKAT: BUT I JUST HAVE TO UNDERSTAND WHAT HAPPENED.
KARKAT: I CAN’T FORGET HOW GENUINE HE SEEMED, EVEN IF IT WAS PROBABLY JUST A TACTIC TO MAKE ME LOWER MY GUARD.
JADE: hmmmmm
JADE: honestly, im stumped too!
JADE: but if you do talk to him
JADE: maybe dont let your whole “oooooh i hate myself soooo much and everyone else must too” deal get in the way
JADE: there are probably loads of reasons why a guy would act crappy and not all of them are because they hate you!
KARKAT: REALLY, WHY ELSE?
JADE: pfff who am i to know?
JADE: do you ever see me act like that? :)
JADE: youre pretty mean, maybe you should ask yourself!
KARKAT: TOUCHE.
JADE: i guess what im saying is
JADE: if you do talk to him, maybe don’t approach it by assuming hes an asshole by default, and asking him to explain the fluke
JADE: we dont have enough data to tell which personality was the fluke yet
JADE: your sample size for dave interactions is like, 5, and thats not enough to conclude anything!
KARKAT: WOW, FIRST YOU DIDN’T EVEN WANT ME TO TALK TO THE FUCKER, AND NOW YOU’RE ASKING ME TO GIVE HIM THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT??
JADE: i dont really care about him, im just asking you to believe that youre a lot harder to hate than you seem to think!

Jade glances down at her watch.

JADE: ok, im off to class!
JADE: but call me after you talk to him and let me know how it goes
JADE: ill set up a dinner with you and me and nepeta later this week so just text me which evenings youre free
JADE: bye karkat!! good luck! :)
KARKAT: SEE YOU, JADE.

Karkat watches Jade skip out the door (how the hell does she have so much energy?), and then pulls out his phone. He opens up pesterchum to type in the handle which he’s had ingrained in his brain ever since he first saw it on Dave’s note.

CarcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering TurntechGodhead [TG]

CG: YOU KNOW WHO THIS IS.
CG: IF YOU’RE READY TO NOT BE A JUVENILE BITCH FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE, MEET ME AT THE CAFE IN THE PHYSICS BUILDING.
TG: omw 10 mins
TG: also oh my god do you actually type like that or are you just like really fucking pissed
TG: ^that doesnt count as being a juvenile bitch fyi its a perfectly innocent question
TG: that question is so fucking innocent the jury just set a record for fastest deliberation time
TG: its high fiving the lawyer and the judge and everyone else and now the whole courtrooms a goddamn party
CG: IF YOU DON’T SHUT UP NOW, THE OFFER’S OFF THE TABLE.
TG: word

Chapter Text

ROXY: ok dude just spit it out whats goin on
ROXY: u been ramblin bout nothing for a lil too long and dont get me wrong i love ur rambles
ROXY: but i kno thats not why u came here when ur not even on shift

Dave shifts his gaze downward. Just because Roxy was the least bad option to talk to about this doesn’t make it easy to actually say what’s going on, out loud, in real words. It’s like, if the thoughts never actually leave his head, then they never become real. You know, it’s just like, what’s that…

DAVE: …its just like
DAVE: whats that saying again with the tree that falls down in the forest but if no one hears it then it didnt actually fall or some shit
DAVE: damn that has to be wrong thats so fucking stupid
DAVE: like if i show up later then the trees still there in all its chopped down glory and i can say
DAVE: yup
DAVE: that tree sure did fall down
DAVE: so then i dont know if it actually applies to…
ROXY: davey
ROXY: sorry bud ur doin it again
DAVE: i
DAVE: oh i didnt think
DAVE: nevermind
DAVE: …
DAVE: its about that guy
ROXY: yea thats wut i thought
DAVE: oh wow so surprising that my drama involves “a guy”
DAVE: we got sherlock holmes up in this bitch

Roxy gives Dave a pointed look.

ROXY: o come on its ur shouty frenemy
ROXY: who else would it be ur always talking bout him
DAVE: uh
DAVE: yeah fine i guess theres no smooth way to come back from that
DAVE: its him
ROXY: so whats the big deal i thought u 2 were best buds now
ROXY: idk why hed be mean to u now
ROXY: i mean personally im eternally grateful to all my hangover pals
ROXY: truly the strongest trauma bonding exp u can have at uni
DAVE: i mean technically yeah he is mad at me but
DAVE: i think hes probably in the right this time
DAVE: i maybe kind of fucked up
ROXY: o god
DAVE: i may have said some things that could potentially be taken badly if you have like no ability to interpret a joke
DAVE: but either way let me tell you he did not take it well
ROXY: omg
ROXY: davey
ROXY: daveeeeeeey
ROXY: u kno im rootin for ya like ur my fav freshie
ROXY: and i want u to be successful and happy and all the things u kno that
ROXY: but like
ROXY: come on
ROXY: didnt i already tell u to stop bein such a lil bitch to him?
DAVE: maybe
ROXY: why cant u just act normal w him
ROXY: ur not exactly pissin me off every interaction we have
ROXY: altho im a lil ticked off atm if were bein real
DAVE: oh shit my bad
ROXY: !!
ROXY: look at that was that so hard
ROXY: why cant u say that to ur shouty friend when u fuck up
DAVE: uh

Dave averts his eyes again, so he doesn’t have to see the face Roxy makes when she lets out an exasperated sigh and lets the awkward silence run on as she returns to wiping down the countertop. Fucking fantastic, he came all the way here just to fail to actually talk to Roxy about his problem, and he still gets hit with the usual guilt from dumping his BS on someone who has way better shit to be doing with their time. Things were so much better before he had to deal with all these ridiculous conflicting feelings and constant drama that he’s had ever since that angry little piece of shit waltzed into his life. It’s really starting to fuck with the brand, and

Oh wait oh fuck. Roxy’s grinning at him, and it is not a happy oh-Dave-let-me-help-you-out-you-poor-thing kind of smile. It’s that look she gets whenever she solves a particularly difficult problem, a mix of triumph and excitement. Which also happens to be the same look she gets whenever she’s just heard a particularly salacious piece of gossip.

ROXY: omg davey
ROXY: oh em gee
DAVE: fuck
ROXY: oh
ROXY: em
ROXY: GEE
DAVE: look man you dont gotta say it out loud
DAVE: lets maybe try to preserve a modicum of my coolness attribute instead of one hit koing my entire sense of self identity
ROXY: u gotta crush!!!!
DAVE: i have no idea what youre talking about
ROXY: hahahha omg ur face is soooooo red
ROXY: its like a whole new dave!
ROXY: must be a special guy to make a dude like u lose ur cool like this wonk wonk wonk
ROXY: remind me to thank shouty mcgee for lettin me realize just how cute u can be when ur all flustered an shit
DAVE: ok look roxy
DAVE: no one can know about this
DAVE: including the multiple customers which are still here
DAVE: so if you cannot keep your schoolgirl squealing down i will leave right fucking now
DAVE: i swear there is not a subtle bone in your entire body
ROXY: laaaaame who cares u dont know em
ROXY: anyway
ROXY: it seems u have fallen into the common trap known as antagonizing ur crush instead of gettin up the guts and makin a move ;)
ROXY: when i say common i mean common among like,,,
ROXY: kiddos
ROXY: usually by now ud have figured out that this is like
ROXY: the dumbest possible solution
ROXY: but ig ur a lil behind
ROXY: its ok tho i am totes ready to be ur number 1 matchmaker no problemo
ROXY: next stop makeout city
DAVE: god damn could you try to seem marginally less excited about the idea of me getting my mack on with a loser whos anger issues and personality complex would send rose to the fucking moon
ROXY: heh u guys got that in common ur couples therapy is gonna go bananas
ROXY: its sooooo cute like some opposites attract shit
ROXY: i see it i see it
DAVE: nope
DAVE: this is not at all how i wanted this to go
ROXY: ?
DAVE: look
DAVE: we are in totally uncharted territory
DAVE: its so uncharted its like im off navigating by the stars in the fucking 1600s or something thinking maybe im gonna discover a new continent or some shit
DAVE: when
DAVE: realistically speaking
DAVE: im probably just going to get scurvy
ROXY: and dating a cute lil shouty guy is wut…
ROXY: scurvy????
DAVE: exactly
DAVE: well yes and no
DAVE: its like i dont know yet if its gonna be scurvy or a cool new discovery or something completely out of left field like a goddamn mutiny you know
DAVE: how am i supposed to know if i want this i mean the fact that i am capable of acting this pathetic around someone was already some defcon 1 level shit
DAVE: then when you think it cant get any worse
DAVE: turns out the guy is like a complete clusterfuck who verbally berates me in every interaction we have
DAVE: and i can be telling myself over and over again like no this dude is a goddamn disaster who hates everything about you and isnt even remotely similar to anyone youve liked in the past
DAVE: and i can completely understand and agree that its both a terrible idea to be attracted to him and also i shouldnt even be attracted to him in the first place
DAVE: and then ill take one look at him and my brains just like
DAVE: yep
DAVE: you wanna bone that mofo
ROXY: bruh
ROXY: look
ROXY: bud
ROXY: buddy
ROXY: prolly were gonna need a lot more time to unpack all that
ROXY: but if im gettin the right idea
ROXY: basically ur bein a jerk to shouty bc u dont want him to figure out ur “intentions”

Roxy lowers her voice down to a whisper at the end of the sentence, making dramatic quotation gestures with her outstretched arms, and then shoots Dave a wink.

ROXY: notice my discreetness there
DAVE: oh damn please forgive any and all of my previous shit talking
DAVE: clearly youre the most clandestine motherfucker around
ROXY: ;)
ROXY: and u dont even wanna put the moves on him anyway bc ur like
ROXY: embarrassed to like him???????
ROXY: which is mega dumb
ROXY: ur just bein mean to him for no reason hes mega cute and its totes obvious u know that
ROXY: ur always talkin about wat u guys talked bout in class and how smart he is and how hes motivatin u to do ur classwork better
ROXY: idk how i didnt see this shit a mile away usually im better w this
ROXY: and yah hes got issues but clearly so do u so………
ROXY: im just sayin
ROXY: maybe get off the high horse
DAVE: but like
DAVE: would it really be that bad if i just
DAVE: irrevocably sent it all to shit
DAVE: and then id know that theres no chance of fixing it and then i can go back to being normal
DAVE: wouldnt that be better
ROXY: u already got the answer to that
ROXY: u can talk the big “oh shouty totes sucks i hate him sm” game all u want
ROXY: but ur the one who came cryin all over to me the moment u screwed things up tryna figure out how to fix it
ROXY: so sry to say
ROXY: but
ROXY: u got it bad for this bitch
DAVE: fuck
DAVE: ok yea i probably needed to hear that but
DAVE: goddamn
ROXY: soooooooo
ROXY: normally if u didnt have such a weird fuckin complex my advice would be to stop bein so hung up on ur coolkid bs and just start puttin the moves on him
ROXY: ur a real cutie so ur chances are prolly decent if u stop bein such a dumbass
ROXY: but this is prolly not the moment to jump into things
ROXY: i think maybe just try to be friends w him rn
ROXY: uve dealt w this before no?
DAVE: yeah its a little difficult to apply cause i dont think i realized what was happening then until it was over
DAVE: also johns the straightest motherfucker of all time so there was just no chance at all
DAVE: i basically went into every interaction with him expecting to be reminded explicitly or implicitly of his heterosexuality a minimum of 5 times
DAVE: meanwhile this guy just keeps hinting or outright saying hes bi and those moments definitely have not been playing on loop in my head over and over again
DAVE: every five minutes its like
DAVE: houston we have a problem
DAVE: a massive meteor of obscenely gay thoughts is headed straight for one dave strider
ROXY: thats not a bad thing
ROXY: honestly!!
ROXY: it shows ur figurin out ur shit
ROXY: gettin up in ur emotional maturity jazz
ROXY: yea ur a lil fashionably late to the party but we all gotta start somewhere
DAVE: why does this fucking emotional maturity make me feel like ass
DAVE: before i was able to say
DAVE: like hey im kinda a big deal you know
DAVE: with my comic and my dead shit and my sick nasty beats
DAVE: and now im like
DAVE: dave the lovestruck ass moron
ROXY: well
ROXY: unfortunately thats just part of the good ol human exp bud theres nothin wrong w that
ROXY: most ppl feel like that sometimes so if ur gonna call urself a lovestruck moron then u gotta call me one too
ROXY: which obvi u wont
ROXY: bc u already kno im the baddest bitch there is :D
DAVE: ok ill give you that one you are pretty fucking rad
DAVE: really the only person who even approaches my level
ROXY: suuuuure thats what u think
ROXY: u could stand to learn a thing or 2 from me and my radness
ROXY: exhibit a: this convo
DAVE: dayum
ROXY: but yea sry to tell u this but
ROXY: ur diagnosis is
ROXY: ur a normal human being
ROXY: sry to say there is no known cure
ROXY: u have to live the rest of ur life in the presence of
ROXY: le gasp
ROXY: feelings (god forbid i kno)
ROXY: might as well get used to it
ROXY: so man up
ROXY: go make amends so u arent freakin out over ur cute lil crush hatin on u
ROXY: actually get to know him as a friend
ROXY: and if u still feel the same in a bit we can start testin the waters
ROXY: and by that i meannnnnn
ROXY: all aboard the express train to makeout town

Dave swallows hard over a lump in his throat.

DAVE: jesus
DAVE: bro you gotta chill with that shit its like listening to my mom talk about me making out
DAVE: just totally disgusting on all levels
DAVE: but
DAVE: yeah
DAVE: just apologize and treat him like a friend
DAVE: i got that shit on lock

Dave takes a shaky breath. He doesn’t feel better, exactly. If anything, the thought that he’s going to have to honestly talk to Karkat again has set off the exact same stupid chain of reactions as usual: the dryness in his mouth, the floaty feeling in his stomach. He wipes his palms against his pants instinctively. But, at least this time, even if he can’t get rid of the embarrassment over acting this way, he can at least try to accept that it’s normal, that he’s marginally less pathetic than he originally thought. Not that he’s in a rush to let anyone other than Roxy in on this, though.

DAVE: ok thanks rox
DAVE: i really owe you one
ROXY: yea remember that next time i ask u to cover a shift for me
DAVE: oh wait actually on that point
DAVE: if you hear anything about some extra shifts i could pick up let me know
DAVE: could kinda use the extra cash these days
ROXY: o yea sure
ROXY: jakeys goin on vacay next week i can have u pick up some of his shifts
ROXY: ill text u the deets later
ROXY: wut do u need the extra cash for?
ROXY: takin shouty on a hot date?
DAVE: motherfucker
DAVE: that is none of your goddamn business

Dave feels his phone vibrate in his pocket and freezes. Oh fuck. It’s unmistakable who the message is from. Like, come on, who else would use all caps unironically?

ROXY: hehe did he text u?
ROXY: go get him lover boy
DAVE: shut up

Dave walks backwards out the door while shooting Roxy the finger, Roxy locking eyes with him and grinning until he’s out the door. Fuck, he’s nervous. Might as well head over right now and get this over with.

CarcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering TurntechGodhead [TG]

CG: YOU KNOW WHO THIS IS.
CG: IF YOU’RE READY TO NOT BE A JUVENILE BITCH FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE, MEET ME AT THE CAFE IN THE PHYSICS BUILDING.
TG: omw 10 mins

He starts to walk, then stops, reads it over again. Does that sound too curt? Maybe he just needs to lighten it up a bit with a harmless joke.

TG: also oh my god do you actually type like that or are you just like really fucking pissed

Fuck, wait, this was exactly what Roxy told him not to do. Karkat’s gonna get pissed again. He needs to explain.

TG: ^that doesnt count as being a juvenile bitch fyi its a perfectly innocent question

...It's been like a minute and he still hasn't responded. Maybe he doesn't understand just how innocent the question is?

TG: that question is so fucking innocent the jury just set a record for fastest deliberation time
TG: its high fiving the lawyer and the judge and everyone else and now the whole courtrooms a goddamn party
CG: IF YOU DON’T SHUT UP NOW, THE OFFER’S OFF THE TABLE.

Well, at least he didn’t completely fuck it up. There’s only one way to respond to this in a way that won’t ruin anything further.

TG: word

Dave shoves his phone in his pocket, ignores all the thoughts coming into his head, and jogs off towards Karkat.

Chapter Text

It’s been 11 fucking minutes. And, with each passing minute, Karkat’s started to feel more and more like a pathetic loser realizing they’re in danger of getting stood up on a first date. Every time he so much as hears a noise in the general direction of the cafe door, his head completely involuntarily jolts up to check if it’s Dave. He feels like a goddamn puppy waiting for its owner to get home. In fact, he’s pretty sure his brain’s started fucking with him, because half the time he looks up there’s no one even remotely in the vicinity of the door.

Well, fuck this. It’s been 11 minutes, so there is now a nonzero possibility Dave might not even show up in the first place. Strider’s already proven dozens of times that he doesn’t give a flying fuck about wasting his or anyone’s time. And Karkat can’t keep letting himself be made out to be a fool. He is not going to think about Dave at all until the moment if/when he shows up. Why does he even think about this guy so much anyways? He is going to enjoy his nice coffee, bought for him by his fantastic friend Jade, and not look at the door no matter how many times he hears it swing open, because he doesn’t even care if Strider shows up in the first place, and

DAVE: sup

Well, there he is, standing with his hands shoved deep in his pockets, face completely devoid of any emotion, although, really, how hard can it be to keep up a poker face when at least half of it is covered up by oversized sunglasses?

KARKAT: WELL, WELL, WELL, LOOK WHO DECIDED TO FINALLY SHOW UP.
DAVE: uh
DAVE: i said 10 minutes?
KARKAT: EXACTLY. AND HOW MANY DO YOU THINK IT’S BEEN?
DAVE: dude you have to to be out of your goddamned mind if

Dave stops suddenly in the middle of the sentence, tilts his head upwards for about five seconds and takes in a deep breath, then slowly returns his gaze downward. He calmly reaches across to the other side of the table, grabs a chair, and settles in sitting across from Karkat.

DAVE: look dude
DAVE: ok i get youre pissed off about earlier
DAVE: and if you want to tell me how you think im a dumb brash piece of shit i think that’s pretty warranted
DAVE: but i guess i was hoping that maybe this would be a little more productive
DAVE: and the only way thats gonna happen is if we dont get distracted by dumb stupid shit
DAVE: which sucks major ass because getting distracted by stupid shit is like
DAVE: so my jam
DAVE: but come the fuck on youre just adding more shit to the pile because youre already pissed
DAVE: i mean at this point that piles so high its putting jelly on its goddamn hot dog…
KARKAT: DAVE
DAVE: right

Dave takes a deep breath before doing what seems like the closest approximation to eye contact his dumb glasses will allow.

DAVE: im just gonna say what i came here to say
DAVE: so
DAVE: i fucked up
DAVE: shouldnt have said that shit especially given that we had literally already talked about this yesterday
DAVE: i dont have an excuse i just say some dumb shit sometimes
DAVE: and i mean really dumb like the stuff that comes out of my mouth keeps gettin held back every year in school
DAVE: its at fuckin summer school staring out the window…

Holy fuck, what the hell was he thinking? Why did he intentionally decide to subject himself to this? Dave’s patronizing “apology” bullshit was annoying enough without getting constantly distracted with the most vacuous metaphors ever known to mankind.

KARKAT: SHUT THE FUCK UP.
DAVE: oh yeah
DAVE: sorry
KARKAT: I SAID SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!
KARKAT: NOW, LISTEN HERE YOU ABSOLUTE PATRONIZING PIECE OF SHIT.
KARKAT: WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?
KARKAT: I MEAN, FIRST OF ALL, YOU’RE CLEARLY TRYING TO COME IN WITH YOUR WHOLE REHEARSED NONAPOLOGY, THAT YOU PROBABLY DON’T EVEN MEAN, SO YOU CAN COME OFF AS THIS “MATURE ADULT”.
KARKAT: WHILE MAKING ME OUT TO BE SOME SORT OF OVEREFFUSIVE CRYBABY WHO’S MAKING A HUGE FUCKING DEAL OUT OF NOTHING.
KARKAT: WHICH, HELL NO.
DAVE: i uh
KARKAT: HELL! FUCKING! NO!
KARKAT: YOU DO NOT GET TO ADMIT YOU MADE A MISTAKE AND APOLOGIZE AND IT’S ALL EXPLOSIONS OF SUNSHINE AND RAINBOWS, SPONSORED BY THE POWER OF FRIENDSHIP!
KARKAT: I AM GOING TO WRECK YOUR SHIT. THAT IS A NON-NEGOTIABLE, CONTRACTUALLY OBLIGATED PART OF THIS CONVERSATION.
KARKAT: LUCKILY, YOUR TRANSPARENT RUSE OF COMPETENCE WAS PROMPTLY SHATTERED BY YOUR INANE RAMBLINGS, WHICH ONLY PROVE TO SHOW JUST HOW NERVOUS YOU REALLY ARE.
KARKAT: BUT, LUCKY FOR YOU, I AM PERFECTLY FINE WITH AND, IN FACT, WHOLEHEARTEDLY ENCOURAGE THIS.
KARKAT: YOU SHOULD BE NERVOUS.

Dave’s face actually starts to turn red. Oh, this is perfect, he was totally right. Strider’s a hell of a lot more transparent than he thinks he is.

KARKAT: THERE IS NO WAY TO ESCAPE MY IMPENDING AVALANCHE OF HATE.
KARKAT: I AM GOING TO FLAME YOU INTO OBLIVION.
KARKAT: YOU WILL RUE THE DAY YOU MET ME FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. BECAUSE IT IS THE DAY YOU LEARNED WHAT A BLIGHT YOU ARE UPON HUMANITY, AND UNDERSTOOD THAT YOU WILL SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE IN REPENTANCE FOR THE IDIOCITY SPEWED OUT OF YOUR TIGHT, VIRTUALLY NONEXISTENT LIPS.

There we go. Despite the slight flush from earlier, Dave’s face still looks fairly neutral, but it’s starting to slip. His head has shifted slightly, and Karkat doubts he’s still making eye contact. There’s a slight downward inclination to his lips, as if he’s biting the corner of the inside of his mouth. It’s the longest period Karkat’s ever seen him be this silent for. Dave draws up his foot onto his knee to start fidgeting it around and, holy fuck, his shoe is trashed, held together by fucking duct tape for god’s sake. So much for his “polished” appearance. Now it’s trivial to see what he really is. A goddamn poser.

KARKAT: OH MY FUCKING GOD, YOU LITERALLY LOOK LIKE A DAMSEL IN DISTRESS RIGHT NOW.
KARKAT: HAH, THIS IS GOING TO BE SO MUCH EASIER THAN I THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO BE.
KARKAT: I ACTUALLY KIND OF FEEL LIKE I’M MISSING OUT ON THE CHALLENGE???
KARKAT: YOU’RE REALLY LETTING YOURSELF GO THESE DAYS, STRIDER. YOU USED TO WAVE YOUR WHOLE REPUGNANT FACADE UP IN EVERYONE’S FACE LIKE AN UNSOLICITED DICK PIC.
KARKAT: BUT A COUPLE MINUTES OF ME TELLING YOU HOW IT IS, AND YOU’RE ALREADY STARTING TO SWEAT.
KARKAT: YOU DON’T EVEN LOOK COOL ANYMORE, IF YOU EVER DID IN THE FIRST PLACE! I MEAN, LOOK AT YOUR FUCKING SHOE!
KARKAT: JESUS CHRIST IF THAT ISN’T AN APT METAPHOR FOR WHAT YOU’RE GOING TO LOOK AND FEEL LIKE AFTER I’M DONE WITH YOU.

Yep, Mr. Completely Fucking Unperturbed is starting to look real fucking tense now. It’s all so obvious. The subtle raise of his eyebrows, the quick intake of breath. Dave’s head makes a barely perceptible shift to the right, like he wants to get out. Karkat feels a tinge of worry that he might be taking this too far, but it’s easily overwhelmed by the massive ego boost he gets every time he manages to incite a reaction in Dave.

KARKAT: HAHAHA, ARE YOU LOOKING TO ESCAPE??
KARKAT: NOT A FUCKING CHANCE, STRIDER.

Karkat slams down on the table, and Dave physically flinches away. For just a moment, he fully turns his head in the direction of the door, looking like he might actually make a run for it. If Karkat had been less of a power tripping piece of shit, maybe that would’ve been what tipped him off.

But the alarm doesn’t actually go off in Karkat’s head until Dave freezes mid-flinch like he’s made some grave error, before he slowly turns back to Karkat, face relaxing into its usual expression. He slides his foot off his knee, crossing it behind his other leg to obscure his shoe. He sets his chin on his hand and relaxes his face into an expression of practiced boredom, totally removed from what Karkat can only guess is the closest he’ll see Dave get to genuine distress. Which means there’s no way he’s not still feeling this way now. In fact, he’s probably way more perturbed than even that expression let on. Fuck. Karkat’s gone and totally screwed this whole thing up. He’ll be lucky if Dave even wants anything to do with him anymore after this.

KARKAT: OH SHIT.
KARKAT: FUCK FUCK FUCK.
KARKAT: GOD, I AM SUCH A FUCKING IDIOT.
KARKAT: YOU’RE NOT OK, ARE YOU?

A slight tilt of the head, a furrowing of the brows, and a downward pull to the corner of his mouth perfectly morphs Dave’s expression into one of slightly judgemental confusion, giving the impression that he’s giving Karkat the side eye behind those godforsaken sunglasses. As if he’s mildly amused at the fact that Karkat could think he was anything other than completely fucking peachy.

It’s too fucking perfect. It could not be any more obvious that it’s rehearsed.

DAVE: dude what are you talking about
DAVE: im fine

What the fuck?!?!

Chapter Text

Well, this whole thing sucks major dick. As if having his (friend who pisses him off? enemy he thinks is cute??) basically tear him a new one wasn’t bad enough, now he was apparently acting like a weak ass bitch who couldn’t handle a little bit of shade. And Karkat had noticed, which was hells of embarassing. Who the fuck flinches at some little weirdo slapping the table with his puny ass arms? Dave’s dealt with way worse than that. The vague sense of apprehension from the yelling, as well as the creeping dread that Karkat just might actually hate his guts had been quickly replaced by a much, much stronger emotion: mortification over the fact that Karkat’s treating him like some pitiful hurt animal. He needs to get his shit together, and not make a federal fucking issue out of this, at the very least so Karkat stops drawing so much fucking attention to the fact that he was apparently acting like some pathetic loser.

Karkat’s words are mostly getting drowned out as Dave tries to decide how to handle this. But the stuff that does get through to him makes it seem like Karkat’s a lot more inclined to be down on himself for throwing a fit, than to make fun of Dave’s reaction. So, denial and distraction are probably the best ways to get through this. Shift Karkat’s attention off of how dumb he’s been acting, back to their interpersonal bullshit, and see if they can handle that without drifting back into aimless insults. It’s a pretty tall order, but worth a shot.

DAVE: dude what are you talking about
DAVE: im fine
KARKAT: BULLSHIT.

Aw fuck.

KARKAT: YOU ARE DEFINITELY NOT OK.
KARKAT: I AM SO SORRY.
KARKAT: SHIT, IT WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO GO LIKE THAT, I PROMISE.
KARKAT: I JUST GOT CAUGHT UP IN THE MOMENT.
KARKAT: IT’S OK IF YOU WANT TO LEAVE.
DAVE: nah bro chill out
DAVE: your weird power trip was just kinda funny is all
KARKAT: NO, IT WAS NOT!
KARKAT: I TOOK THINGS WAY OVERBOARD, AND NOW I’VE PROBABLY FUCKED THIS WHOLE THING TO SHIT.
KARKAT: YOU DID NOT LOOK OK; YOU LOOKED LIKE YOU WANTED TO RUN AWAY.
KARKAT: GODDAMN IT, THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I DO EVERY. FUCKING. TIME.
KARKAT: YOU DON’T HAVE TO SIT THROUGH THIS, I CERTAINLY WOULDN’T IF I WAS YOU.
DAVE: shut the fuck up
DAVE: jesus christ this is such bs
DAVE: im not even really pissed right now but im gonna be if i have to sit through another round of your self flagellating horseshit
DAVE: so youre gonna stop going ballistic at the speed of some kind of crazy scifi spaceship pumped up on a metric fuckton of cocaine and chill out

Karkat opens and closes his mouth, swallowing hard. Hopefully he didn’t notice how little sense that metaphor made. He’s got to get his shit together. At least it looks like Karkat is willing to listen, for now. Gotta commend the dude for managing some level of restraint, even if it took him going off on a crazy embarrassing tirade to finally get there.

DAVE: great so now that weve both made sure to shit on each other equal amounts today maybe we can salvage some of this
DAVE: so let me just say

Dave takes a deep breath. It always takes a little bit of extra willpower to get these words out, like he’s got to overcome all of the instincts he’s spent his whole life developing, telling him to fight back and defend himself. It feels like admitting he’s weak, and this kind of shit is just plain insincere most of the time anyways. But if there’s anything the last few minutes made really fucking abundantly clear, it’s that he truly did fuck up, and saying this is probably the only way Karkat is going to be willing to keep being around him. And fuck, he really does want Karkat to want to be around him. So, time to suck it up.

DAVE: im sorry
DAVE: …

Ok, great, it’s out there and Karkat is just staring at him. It’s really starting to weird him out seeing Karkat with his mouth closed for longer than a few seconds. Was that too serious? Maybe he needs to cut the tension a bit. Karkat’s better at all the feelings shit anyways, he should be the one talking.

DAVE: wow would you look at that i got so much warm fuzzies up in me
DAVE: this reconciliation shit is revolutionary
DAVE: now its your turn
DAVE: if
DAVE: and i do mean if
DAVE: you do not turn this into some weird ass self pity fest
DAVE: because i will literally walk right out that door if i have to listen to you babying me like im some loser ass kid who just skinned their knee and not a full ass adult
KARKAT: FUCK, OK.
KARKAT: YOU’VE STILL GOT A HELL OF A LOT MORE TO ANSWER FOR.
KARKAT: BUT I TOOK THIS WAY TOO FAR, AND I’M REALLY FUCKING SORRY FOR THAT.
KARKAT: AND IF YOU DON’T WANT TO TALK TO ME ANYMORE BECAUSE OF THE THINGS I SAID THEN I UNDERSTAND.
DAVE: come on dude you were doing so well
DAVE: but its ok at least this time you didnt make me start to wonder if you were getting off on the humiliation
DAVE: so thats an improvement
KARKAT: OH, GO FUCK YOURSELF.
KARKAT: I JUST DON’T GET IT.
KARKAT: I WAS TOTALLY OUT OF LINE.
KARKAT: DON’T YOU WANT MORE THAN SOME DUMB, POTENTIALLY NOT EVEN SINCERE, APOLOGY?
KARKAT: I MEAN, YOUR STUPID LITTLE I’M SORRY ISN’T DOING THAT MUCH FOR ME, EVEN AFTER THE MORTIFICATION OF ME BEING AN EVEN BIGGER ASS TO YOU.
DAVE: nah
DAVE: really its no biggie dude
DAVE: youre not as scary as you seem to think you are
DAVE: no offense
DAVE: but i guess what exactly do you want me to do for you then
DAVE: throw it at me we are all aboard the apology train kissing and making out

Fuck.

DAVE: i mean
DAVE: kiss and make up
DAVE: but like
DAVE: metaphorically for the first part of that phrase
DAVE: obviously
KARKAT: AND YOU THINK I’M THE ONE GETTING OFF ON THIS?

Karkat says it with his usual raspy tone, but with with a bit of a smirk. Dave has to consciously suppress his laugh into a sharp exhale through his nose and a slight twitch of the corner of his mouth. How the hell could anyone stay mad at this guy? The earlier shit sucked, but he kind of wants Karkat to roast him in this cute, jokey way all the time. He’d let Karkat get away with anything if he keeps these weird innuendos coming. It's like their humor is perfectly matched.

DAVE: man im totally fucking this up
DAVE: just go ahead and wreck my shit
DAVE: but like
DAVE: respectfully you know
KARKAT: WELL.
KARKAT: OBVIOUSLY THIS ISN’T THE FIRST TIME WE’VE TALKED ABOUT THIS.
KARKAT: BUT THEN, LO AND BEHOLD, YOU WENT RIGHT BACK TO BEING AN ASS.
KARKAT: SO HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE ANYTHING YOU SAY? WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?

Dave starts fidgeting with his hoodie sleeves. How is he supposed to explain this whole situation truthfully without getting into either 1. the fact that he may or may not kind of sort of maybe have a little bit of a thing for Karkat or 2. his weird hangups about the previous point. Goddamn, maybe Roxy was right. He might actually be just as batshit crazy as Karkat is.

DAVE: dude idk how to answer this
DAVE: and i get what youre saying
DAVE: like my actions and words are so fucking misaligned that at this point theyre completely fucking orthogonal
DAVE: so thats fair
DAVE: but i guess i am like
DAVE: here
DAVE: and i could not be here
DAVE: probably doing something a hell of a lot more pleasant
DAVE: so
DAVE: yeah
DAVE: really thats the best i can do
KARKAT: THAT’S THE BEST YOU CAN DO??

Dave lets out a sigh, pushing his hair back from his face.

DAVE: i cant guarantee im not gonna say something dumb and piss you off
DAVE: if anything i think i can guarantee that i will do that eventually
DAVE: one because i am physically incapable of thinking before i speak two because you are a goddamn comedy master i mean god how do you even come up with this shit i cant wait to hear the shit you say back to me
DAVE: its gotta either be rehearsed or youre some kind of english language savant
DAVE: i dont even care which it is because its fucking beautiful
KARKAT: OH GOD, STOP SUCKING ME OFF.
KARKAT: I DON'T BELIEVE YOU ANYWAYS.
DAVE: nah bro its legit
DAVE: im having the time of my fucking life spitting bullshit about philosophy with you and i dont even give one flying fuck about philosophy
KARKAT: SURE.
KARKAT: BUT THEN WHAT’S WITH THIS BULLSHIT WHERE YOU ACT LIKE YOUR “SO ABOVE” THIS CLASS?
KARKAT: LIKE SOME FUCKING FERRIS BUELLER WANNABE.
KARKAT: GOTTA MAKE SURE YOU REMIND KARKAT IN THE MOST GENERIC, UNORIGINAL WAY POSSIBLE THAT HE’S A NERD EVERY TIME I DARE TO, GASP, GIVE A SHIT ABOUT SCHOOL??
KARKAT: HERE’S AN IDEA! YOUR EPITOME OF COOL AS AN ADULT MAYBE SHOULDN’T COME FROM TROPEY HIGH SCHOOL DRAMAS?
KARKAT: BUT I GUESS I SHOULDN’T BE SURPRISED YOU DON’T KNOW THAT, ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU BASE YOUR ENTIRE PERSONALITY OFF OF A STOIC BAD BOY CLICHE.
KARKAT: BUT IT DOESN’T EVEN MAKE SENSE, BECAUSE YOU’VE CLEARLY DONE ALL THE READING AND HOMEWORK.
DAVE: well yeah
DAVE: im not gonna nuke my gpa over this class
DAVE: imma be honest i dont really care for this shit that much
DAVE: but i actually dont mind shootin the shit about it with you
DAVE: which is probably the only reason why i havent absconded the fuck out of here already
DAVE: but yeah

Dave lets out a long sigh. If he can’t be honest about his dumb crush, he can at least try to voice some of the reasons why Karkat grew on him so much. If only to mollify the poor guy’s self esteem, which it seems was already pretty much at rock bottom before Dave went and sent it even further down.

DAVE: if anything im probably a little jealous of you
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK?
DAVE: nah bro dont do that
DAVE: its cool that you care about this stuff
DAVE: its a hell of a lot easier to be ironic about the stuff you like
DAVE: so even if people hate the stuff you do you can say its like
DAVE: intentional that its sucky
DAVE: to be that fucking real about the fact that youre a weirdo nerd
DAVE: is actually kinda sick

Ok, yeah, this is getting too much. Karkat’s getting this look on his face like he was just told something super TMI by a complete stranger. Just because Dave doesn’t want to insult Karkat doesn’t mean he needs to make his simpiness that obvious, if even an overemotional loser like Karkat is uncomfortable with this.

DAVE: and i know it sounds like im being sarcastic and like
DAVE: i am

Oh fuck, now Karkat looks like he’s about to launch into angry tirade number two. This shit is so hard to navigate properly.

DAVE: but only
DAVE: like
DAVE: a little bit?
KARKAT: YOU ARE SO FUCKING HOPELESS.
KARKAT: CAN WE ALL PLEASE JUST GROW THE FUCK UP? MAYBE LEARN TO CHANGE YOUR OWN DIAPER SO I DON’T HAVE TO DO IT???
KARKAT: WHICH, BY THE WAY, I MIGHT ACTUALLY PREFER THAT TO HAVING THIS CONVERSATION.
KARKAT: JUST STOP HIDING BEHIND THIS DUMB IRONY BULLSHIT. I CAN’T TELL IF YOU MEAN ANYTHING YOU SAY, AND IT’S FUCKING EXHAUSTING LISTENING TO YOU.
DAVE: nah bro that shits my brand
DAVE: youre gettin a front row seat to some s tier strider material
DAVE: you dont even know how crazy some people would go for that opportunity
DAVE: if you want me to stop the ironic bullshit then let me be clear
DAVE: i am 100%
DAVE: completely
DAVE: genuinely
DAVE: popping a massive boner for ironic bullshit
DAVE: i would get down on one knee and propose to irony right here right now with a diamond encrusted ring pop
KARKAT: WOW, I DIDN’T KNOW YOU WERE SUCH A ROMANTIC!
DAVE: but i can also be your number 1 hype man
DAVE: this shits not mutually exclusive yo
DAVE: im not gonna take back that youre a fucking nerd because you are
DAVE: but thats not a bad thing dude i love hearing all the smart shit you say
DAVE: and i can be a little more clear about that if thats what we gotta do

It’s getting kind of worrying just how easy it is to keep saying this sappy garbage to Karkat. He guesses it must be like the romantic equivalent to the fucking freudian slips. Great to know that now he’s gotta worry about both horny slips and romantic slips.

KARKAT: OK, FINE I’M NOT GOING TO MAKE YOU GIVE UP YOUR “BRAND” EVEN IF IT IS ASININE.
KARKAT: BUT WHAT ABOUT YOUR MUSIC?? YOU’RE ALL “TRYHARD” ABOUT YOUR “SICK BEATS.” NOT VERY “IRONIC” OF YOU, IS IT?
DAVE: bro
DAVE: were you too drunk to hear
DAVE: i did a mashup of hotel room service and rasputin and made it a fucking bop that shit is hella ironic
DAVE: anyways i dont really play my own shit im just mostly adding some transitions to existing songs overlapping them and stuff
DAVE: and everyone is too drunk to notice anything other than whether they know the song or not
DAVE: i dont think anyone even realizes i put the transitions in there
KARKAT: WHY DON’T YOU PLAY YOUR OWN STUFF? ISN’T THAT THE POINT?
DAVE: i mean
DAVE: first of all its a frat party exclusively populated by blackout drunk college kids who are not gonna remember any of it the next day if theyre even paying attention at all
DAVE: which is a big fucking if
DAVE: but i still dont know if im ready to like
DAVE: idk
DAVE: put that shit out there yet
DAVE: cant really take it back you know
DAVE: its like losing your virginity

Karkat looks like he’s gearing up for another rant and, if Dave’s conversations with Rose these days are anything to go off of, Karkat’s probably about to get all up in his grill about how virginity is an outdated, bullshit, blah blah blah. But thankfully, the barista walks up to their table to let them know the cafe is closing in five minutes. Holy fuck, they’ve been talking for a long time. As they walk out the door, Dave’s surprised to find he doesn’t want to leave just yet.

DAVE: hey so
DAVE: did i pass the vantas test are we best bros forever now
DAVE: gonna make each other friendship bracelets and paint each others nails
KARKAT: …
KARKAT: WE’RE OK. FOR NOW.
DAVE: hell yeah
DAVE: ill see you around then?

Karkat looks like he’s lost in thought for a moment. Dave briefly wonders if Karkat’s going to take it back and decide he doesn’t want to see him anymore. Which, fair enough.

KARKAT: CAN YOU SEND ME ONE OF YOUR SONGS?
DAVE: what?
KARKAT: NOT SOME MASHUP.
KARKAT: ONE OF YOUR SONGS.

Well, that wasn’t what he was expecting. Probably it’s a good sign but, damn, he doesn’t just show that shit to anyone.

DAVE: bro are you sure youre ready for a strider original
DAVE: i dont know if a noob like you can handle that shit
DAVE: its got hells of sophistication
DAVE: you gotta work up to a masterpiece like this
KARKAT: OH FUCK OFF, FORGET I ASKED.
DAVE: nah bro its ok uh
DAVE: ok like
DAVE: maybe?
DAVE: let me think about it
DAVE: but i dont want you just sucking up to me about it i want honest opinions
DAVE: even if your opinions on music are probably all dumb as fuck anyways
KARKAT: YOU THINK I’M GONNA SUCK UP TO YOU?
DAVE: lmao fair
DAVE: ok ill think about it
DAVE: see ya vantas

***

Dave’s spent the evening pacing around his room, listening through his folder of the songs he’s most proud of, finally picking the most generic, vibey one because he has no fucking clue what kind of music Karkat would be into. He put the attachment into pesterchum five minutes ago but every time he convinces himself to hit send, his finger just hovers over the key until he gets up to go walk it out again. Finally, he just tells himself to stop being a pussy, that it literally doesn’t matter at all what Karkat thinks, what does he even know about music anyways? If anything, the guy having dogshit music taste might actually be lame enough to give him the ick, and then he wouldn’t have to deal with any of these confusing feelings anymore. Wouldn’t that be nice?

And just like that, Dave plops himself down in his chair, pushes all the thoughts out of his mind, closes his eyes, and jabs down the enter key.

Chapter Text

TurntechGodhead [TG] began pestering CarcinoGeneticist [CG]

TG: sickbeats.mp3

Past Karkat was a fucking idiot for asking Dave about his music. He didn’t really know anything about music; he had no real objective opinions on the stuff beyond labeling a tune as catchy or boring. He liked songs more for the lyrics than the actual beat, and his friends would probably describe his music taste, in an equally loving and disparaging way, as generic sappy love songs. Karkat didn’t really give a shit though. He had long ago gotten tired of hiding his interests because they were "embarrassing,” or because “guys don’t like that kind of thing.” Luckily, neither Jade or Sollux seemed to care too much about this.

Needless to say, he wasn’t really sure how he should respond to Dave’s message. Should he try to seem smart, make up some academic bullshit to impress Dave? Jokingly ask if he forgot to add lyrics? Leave it at a simple, “it’s catchy”? It was pretty catchy.

He didn’t even understand why he was overthinking this reply so much. He’d stopped trying to impress people a long time ago. Does he really want to be friends with Dave that badly? He should probably just go with his gut, right?

SOLLUX: KK what the fuck are you doiing?

Karkat is jolted out of his reverie. What the fuck is Sollux complaining about? Karkat’s literally just sitting in his chair.

KARKAT: OH, AM I BOTHERING YOU BY SITTING DOWN? IS THAT NOT SILENT ENOUGH FOR YOU, EVEN WITH THOSE MASSIVE HEADPHONES ON? INTERESTING, BECAUSE THEY SEEM TO DO AN EXCELLENT JOB OF BLOCKING OUT MY VOICE WHENEVER I ASK YOU TO CLEAN UP YOUR SIDE OF THE ROOM.
SOLLUX: dude
SOLLUX: you look liike youve been haviing a 2iilent mental breakdown for the la2t half hour.
SOLLUX: head iin your hand2, blood2hot eye2, etc, etc.
SOLLUX: you look liike 2hiit and thii2 ii2 NOT normal for you
SOLLUX: well iit2 normal for you two look liike 2hiit but not two be 2o quiiet about it
SOLLUX: iit generally take2 you an average of 2-5 2econds flat two go from mental breakdown on2et two 2houtiing
SOLLUX: 2o eiither youve developed an uncharacterii2tiic amount of re2traiint iin the la2t…

Sollux takes an overexaggerated and completely unnecessary glance up at an ipad he set up on the wall, clearly displaying some dumbass app he made that reads “1 DAY SINCE KARKAT LAST FLIPPED THE FUCK OUT”.

SOLLUX: one day,
SOLLUX: or youre haviing 2ome 2ort of 2peech ba2ed health defect.
KARKAT: MY ABILITY TO TALK IS COMPLETELY FINE, AND MY ICY HEART IS SLIGHTLY WARMED BY YOUR VERY SINCERE CONCERN.
KARKAT: NOW, IF YOU COULD OH SO KINDLY SHOVE THAT CONCERN SO FAR DOWN YOUR THROAT THAT YOU CHOKE, THEN MAYBE IT WILL WARM MY HEART ENOUGH THAT I REMEMBER TO PERFORM THE HEIMLICH MANEUVER ON YOU BEFORE YOU DIE.
SOLLUX: eheheh youre ju2t lookiing for an excu2e two giive me mouth two mouth 2o you can fiinally get 2ome actiion.
KARKAT: I WOULD GLADLY SHOVE MY PUCKERED LIPS INTO ONE OF THE DORM TRASH CANS AND MAKE OUT SLOPPY STYLE WITH A BUNCH OF USED CONDOMS BEFORE I WOULD STICK THEM ANYWHERE WITHIN A ONE METER RADIUS OF YOUR HEAD.
SOLLUX: ill hold you two that.
SOLLUX: but 2top dii2tractiing me, ii wanna 2ee what youre throwiing a fiit over.
SOLLUX: ii2 iit poiinter2 agaiin?
SOLLUX: maybe we need another countdown for days 2iince ii la2t explaiined poiinter2 two you.
KARKAT: NO! NO MORE FUCKING COUNTDOWNS!!
KARKAT: AND I UNDERSTAND EVERYTHING, SO SORRY I CAN’T HELP WITH YOUR RAGING HARD ON FOR TALKING ABOUT COMPUTERS.
KARKAT: I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M SAYING THIS, BUT YOU HAVE GOT TO GET LAID AGAIN. IF ONLY SO YOU STOP FLIRTING WITH ME WHILE I’M TRYING TO WORK.
SOLLUX: iif iit make2 you feel better about fumbliing the bag wiith the DJ, then iill let you beliieve iim fliirtiing wiith you.
KARKAT: I. DID NOT. FUMBLE. THE DJ.
KARKAT: TO USE THE WORD FUMBLE WOULD IMPLY THAT I WAS: 1. ACTUALLY INTO HIM, 2. ATTEMPTING TO WOO HIM, AND 3. HAD FAILED AT THAT.
KARKAT: GUESS WHICH ONE OF THOSE IS TRUE???
SOLLUX: all of the above
KARKAT: BZZT, WRONG! SO MUCH FOR MR. SMARTASS OVER HERE!
SOLLUX: well that2 a biit 2u2piiciiou2 giiven youve been 2tariing at hii2 chat wiindow uniinterrupted for the pa2t 20 miinute2.

Karkat quickly turns back to his computer and minimizes the pesterchum tab.

SOLLUX: and ye2terday2 mental breakdown was all about how you were 2cared he hated you after you iintroduced him two the patented vanta2 lamba2t.
KARKAT: THAT DOESN’T MEAN ANYTHING.
KARKAT: YOU HAD TO SEE HIS FACE. IT WENT FROM FEAR TO TOTALLY NORMAL IN SECONDS.
KARKAT: I DON’T LIKE HIM, I’M JUST COMPLETELY CONFUSED BY HIM.
SOLLUX: eh iid 2tiill 2ay hes liiviing pretty rent free up iin that braiin you 2uppo2edly have.
SOLLUX: plu2 at thii2 poiint youve got de2peratiion goggle2, whiich ii2 liike beer goggle2 on 2teroid2, 2o youd probably do just about anyone who2 payiing attention two you.
KARKAT: THAT IS COMPLETELY UNTRUE. MY STANDARDS, UNLIKE YOURS, ARE HIGH, AND I AM A MASTER OF ROMANCE.
KARKAT: I COULD WOO ANYONE IF YOU ACTUALLY DID YOUR JOB OF BEING A GOOD WINGMAN AND SET ME UP WITH SOMEONE.
SOLLUX: ok ii got 2omeone iin miind
KARKAT: WHO?
SOLLUX: dave
KARKAT: FUCK NO! LITERALLY ANYONE BUT HIM.
SOLLUX: ok ok fiine let me thiink about iit

Karkat watches Sollux shove his headphones back over his ears and go back to clacking, before he shifts back to his computer, shuts out of pesterchum, and closes his eyes. Sollux’s jokes about him being into Dave have been increasing in frequency, and of course Karkat would deny that shit just to piss of Sollux, regardless of whether it’s true. Still, he’s always been a decent judge of his own feelings, given how much time he spends every night, fruitlessly trying to fall asleep while his mind runs a mile a minute analyzing everything he’d done and felt and wanted and on and on. And even with all that, he’s pretty sure Sollux’s theory doesn’t hold much weight. Does he think Dave’s hot? Undoubtedly - a demented obsession with consuming and forming elaborate, detailed opinions on as much YA romance as possible had unfortunately cemented his type as bland, kind of generic, but still cute, guys. And ever since he saw Dave without his hoodie on, he’s noticed that he pays more attention to Dave’s arms than he used to. They’re nice - not huge gymbro arms, but toned enough that it’s clear the guy’s been lifting for a while. But even keeping that in mind, he doesn’t think he is actually interested in Dave in a romantic way in any sense other than physical.

He certainly finds Dave interesting; he wants to figure out what he’s actually like under all those neutral expressions. He definitely liked the fact that Dave took care of him after the party, and maybe then he would’ve given Sollux’s theory some harder thought. But after their talk at the cafe he still isn’t really sure which personality is closer to the “real Dave.” The more he thinks about it, the more he thinks he just sees Dave as some befuddling pile of contradictions that he needs to sort out like some kind of emotional puzzle. He finds Dave interesting, but he doesn’t think he’s necessarily *interested in* Dave.

Karkat snaps out of his thoughts when Sollux starts poking him.

KARKAT: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT NOW?
SOLLUX: got you a hot date
SOLLUX: now iive fulfiilled my wiingman dutiie2 and ii owe you nothiing.
KARKAT: WAIT, REALLY? WITH WHO? PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T TELL ME IT’S ONE OF YOUR EXES.
SOLLUX: no way you couldnt handle them.
SOLLUX: ii got you a date with dave.
SOLLUX: check your pe2terchum.
SOLLUX: and maybe change your pa22word to 2omethiing that ii2nt you and jades biigge2t iin2iide joke.

Karkat’s stomach feels hollow with dread as he pulls up pesterchum and scrolls through Sollux’s (really really bad) impersonation of him to check the damage.

CG: WOW STRIDER, THAT DIDN’T SOUND LIKE COMPLETE GARBAGE?
CG: HERE I WAS WORRIED THAT WAS GOING TO SOUND LIKE SOME VAGUE APPROXIMATION OF A HEAVILY CONCUSSED MARTIN GARRIX.
CG: BUT IT WAS DECENTLY CATCHY.
CG: YOU KNOW I’VE GOT SUCH A MASSIVE HARD ON FOR HOUSE MUSIC

Karkat turns back to a grinning Sollux.

KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK, I HATE HOUSE MUSIC.
KARKAT: AND WHO THE FUCK IS MARTIN GARRIX??
SOLLUX: and thii2 ii2 why you needed my help

Karkat turns back to look at Dave’s response.

TG: huh youre really full of surprises vantas
CG: YEAH YOU KNOW I LOVE THIS SHIT SO MUCH.
CG: WE SHOULD GO CLUBBING SOMETIME.
CG: DANCING
CG: MUSIC
CG: MAKING OUT WITH STRANGERS
CG: THESE ARE ALL THINGS I ENJOY ON THE REGULAR
TG: uh
TG: great now i cant unsee that so thanks for the mental image
CG: I THOUGHT YOU’D APPRECIATE THAT ;)

What the hell? Sollux’s weird, stilted, overenthusiastic fake flirting was bad, but Karkat draws the line at the use of a winky face. He would never use a fucking winky face.

KARKAT: SOLLUX, I WOULD NEVER USE A WINKY FACE.
KARKAT: THIS IS WAY TOO FUCKING OBVIOUS, AND I’M NOT EVEN INTO HIM ANYWAYS.
KARKAT: HOW THE HELL AM I GOING TO FIX THIS, HE’S GOING TO THINK I’M A FUCKING WEIRDO.
SOLLUX: iim 2ure he already doe2 ;)

Karkat turns back to reading.

TG: holy shit you are bold over text
TG: but ok i didnt know we had this in common
TG: would you maybe want to hang on thurs?
TG: i was gonna go to bushwick if you want to tag along
CG: YES!!!!
TG: cool
TG: ok then
TG: i guess ill see you later?

Karkat turns back to Sollux, trying his best to look as menacing as possible. Sollux looks extremely satisfied with himself.

KARKAT: I WOULD SHOVE YOUR KEYBOARD DOWN YOUR THROAT RIGHT NOW IF I DIDN’T THINK YOU WOULD SOMEHOW GET OFF ON IT.
SOLLUX: contrary to popular beliief iim not actually 2exually attracted two computer2.
SOLLUX: you, on the other hand, are clearly very much attracted two dave and it 2eem2 liike he ii2 certaiinly very down two hang out wiith a 2liightly more enthu2iia2tiic ver2iion of you.
SOLLUX: 2o ii thiink a thank you ii2 iin order.
KARKAT: NO! SHUT THE FUCK UP WHILE I FIX THIS, AND I’LL DEAL WITH YOU LATER

Karkat starts furiously typing back to Dave.

CG: SORRY, THAT WAS SOLLUX.
CG: I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU ACTUALLY FELL FOR THAT SHIT. YOU THOUGHT I WOULD USE A FUCKING WINKY FACE??
TG: oh shit
TG: i was like this close to asking if i could have some of whatever it seemed like you were high off
TG: and wondering why you were suddenly my brother in freudian slip
TG: which does that mean we both want to fuck our moms
TG: or each others moms?
TG: or actually both because i guess wed have the same mom if we were brothers
CG: WOW, THESE ARE EXACTLY THE KINDS OF INANE CONVERSATION TOPICS WHICH MAKE ME WONDER WHY I WOULD EVER WASTE MY TIME TALKING TO YOU.
TG: there we go thats the karkat i know and love
TG: so uh
TG: where exactly did sollux take over
TG: like was that you who thought my sick beats were “not garbage”
CG: IT’S ALL SOLLUX. I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHO MARTIN GARRIX IS.
CG: BUT HE WASN’T THAT FAR OFF.
CG: … IT’S CATCHY. I LIKED IT.
TG: hell yeah brother
CG: KIND OF BORING WITHOUT LYRICS THOUGH
TG: aw dude are you asking to hear my raps?
TG: a man after my own heart right here
CG: … ON SECOND THOUGHT, MAYBE NOT

Dave doesn’t respond for a couple of minutes, so Karkat turns his attention back to Sollux, who’s been leaning over his shoulder the whole time.

SOLLUX: eh you diidnt totally fuck iit up
SOLLUX: but ii stiill diid a better job of fliirtiing than you
KARKAT: YEAH, BECAUSE, GUESS WHAT? I DON’T LIKE HIM!
KARKAT: AND EVEN IF I WAS TRYING TO FLIRT, I WOULDN’T DO IT LIKE THAT? HE THOUGHT I WAS ON DRUGS, SOLLUX. DRUGS.
SOLLUX: then what would you do?
KARKAT: WELL, OF COURSE I WOULD [OOPS, NOT FALLING FOR THE BAIT THERE, ASSHOLE!]
SOLLUX: wii2e word2 from the 2o called ma2ter of romance
SOLLUX: but a2 the guy who2 had to watch you fall head over heel2 a 2urprii2iing number of tiime2 giiven the 2hort periiod of tiime weve known each other for,
SOLLUX: ii giive you a week before you admiit two your2elf that you liike hiim
SOLLUX: or that you at least want to fuck hiim
KARKAT: WOW, PROJECTING MUCH?
KARKAT: OR ARE YOU SUDDENLY THE COMMITTED ROMANTIC AND I’M THE ONE WHO JUST GOES FOR FLINGS WITH WHATEVER WEIRDO HIPSTER LOOKS THE MOST DTF?
KARKAT: MAYBE IT’S ACTUALLY YOU WHO HAS A RAGING DESPERATION BONER FOR STRIDER?

Sollux grins as he turns back to his laptop and shifts his headphones back on

SOLLUX: eheheh and wouldnt that fulfiill all your weiird hate-fuck three2ome dream2

As Karkat shoots Sollux the finger, he notices a few more messages from Dave.

TG: so uh
TG: would you like
TG: still be down to hang later this week?
TG: no pressure
TG: i was just wondering

Karkat’s surprised. He didn’t think Dave actually wanted to hang out, but was just going along with Sollux’s pushiness. Honestly, he still couldn’t figure out if Strider was secretly upset about what Karkat had said earlier. But Dave wouldn’t be asking this if he didn’t genuinely want to be around Karkat. It didn’t make any fucking sense, but he wasn’t going to turn down the opportunity to get what he wanted.

Even if it had been short lived, and he didn't know if Dave had meant any of the things he said, Karkat really had no choice but to believe that Dave must want to be friends with him. And this meant some of the things he said earlier about how he admired Karkat had to be true. Some of the compassion that he had felt when Dave had taken care of him post hangover had to be real. And Karkat wanted to feel like someone cared about him again. He wants to update Dave on how things are going with Sollux. He wants to rant about how boring his CS classes are to someone who isn’t a total computer nerd. He wants to hear Dave say that he thought Karkat was smart again, and then deny it just to make Dave admit it again. He wants to understand how Dave got into music, and what he likes about it.

CG: SORRY, I WAS JUST TEARING SOLLUX A NEW ONE.
CG: LET’S DO IT. I’M DOWN.
CG: I’LL SEE YOU THURSDAY THEN?
TG: you bet
TG: later

Chapter Text

Dave checks his watch. He’s got about five minutes before he needs to leave to meet Karkat at the subway. He’d made the mistake of starting to get ready way too early, and now he’s fighting the nerves by making nigh imperceptible alterations to his look, even though he knows they will be swept away the moment he walks out into the wind. But, hey, it’s better than flipping his shit about the fact that he’s going to be hanging out one on one with Karkat for the whole evening.

He ruffles his bangs one last time to get them to fall just right, and adjusts the scarf Roxy gave him so it sits casually around his shoulders. He zips and unzips his hoodie, checking to see if it makes any difference in his overall appearance. It doesn’t, really.

He ends up heading out two minutes early, sliding a few pairs of earplugs into his pocket. At the last minute, he shoves a baggie of edibles into his pocket. He has no idea if Karkat would have any interest in this kind of thing, but, hey, anything can happen.

***

Karkat’s already leaning against the subway entrance when Dave arrives, staring into his phone with that perpetually pissed off expression. It’s dark outside, and the lights in the street reflect down on Karkat’s face, making the bags under his eyes stand out more than usual. Why the hell this of all things makes him seem cuter is a goddamn mystery.

DAVE: sup
KARKAT: OH, HEY. LET’S GO?
DAVE: hell yeah

They walk down the stairs, stand on the platform. Dave gestures to the sign that the train is coming in two minutes. Karkat glances up, nods, grumbles something about not having the worst timing, and that’s it. Dave taps his foot up and down, waiting for Karkat to say something else. But, for once, he isn't doing anything. Karkat’s pointedly staring, frowning and unblinking, into the subway tracks like they just stole his apple juice. Wait, does Karkat even like apple juice?

It’s so fucking weird that he isn’t saying anything. Karkat’s always complaining about something. They’re in a fucking subway station - it’s freezing, there’s trash everywhere, there’s fucking rats running up and down the tracks, it smells like piss. Needless to say, there’s plenty to complain about. Normally Karkat would be having a fucking field day with this. Why isn’t he saying anything?

Come to think of it, it’s almost just as weird that Dave isn’t saying anything. Normally he wouldn’t think so much before blabbing away, but now he’s mentally Kobe-ing lame-ass small talk ideas into his mental trash can left and right. Could he comment on the weather? No, Karkat’s not gonna want to talk about the fucking weather; it’s literally the poster child for boring conversation topics. And it’s probably a little bit weird to just ask someone point blank with no preamble what their opinion is on apple juice. Does finding someone hot destroy your ability to communicate or something? If so, Dave has got to figure out a way to kick this thing. Potentially getting some action at some point far in the future is totally not worth this level of awkwardness.

He wonders if Karkat just doesn’t want to be here in the first place. Technically, it was Sollux who instigated this whole thing. Maybe the dude is only coming along to be polite. Horrified, Dave wonders if they even have any chemistry outside of fighting with each other. Have they ever had a normal conversation? Dave quickly comes to the realization that this could be a long and awkward night. He’s suddenly extremely thankful to his past self for grabbing the edibles.

Thankfully, Karkat’s awkward subway staredown and Dave’s mental descent are interrupted by the arrival of the train. Now for the next hurdle: getting through what is likely to be a half hour train ride without making this even more awkward than it already is. The train is decently packed. There’s one seat open and Dave gestures for Karkat to take it, which earns him a small smile in return. Dave mentally pats himself on the back for being a gentleman and then, horrified, mentally chastises himself for treating this like a date. This is a completely platonic bro clubbing trip. And even if it was a date, it would be going so fucking poorly at this point that there would be no reason to pat himself on the back. He has got to fucking say something. Literally anything, no matter how inane, is better than looking down at Karkat for thirty fucking minutes while he slouches forward, and stares at a spot directly above Dave’s shoulder, and avoids eye contact like Dave’s got fucking cooties.

DAVE: so uh

Dave looks over his shoulder at what Karkat’s death-glaring into. It’s a cringey personal injury attorney ad. A classic. These things are fucking everywhere.

DAVE: you thinking about hiring that guy
KARKAT: WHAT?
DAVE: well youve been staring unblinking at the dollar store saul goodman on that ad for the past two minutes
DAVE: so either youre making heart eyes at him
DAVE: which in that case there is nothing we can do to save your taste in men
DAVE: like the doctors are telling me its completely fucking braindead and we gotta pull the plug
DAVE: or
DAVE: for some reason you need a lawyer
DAVE: which honestly with your anger issues i would believe it

Karkat, thankfully, leans back in the seat, looks up at Dave and raises an eyebrow, flicks out the corner of his mouth in a slightly smug smirk which is way too fucking hot for this early on in the dat- wait, no. For this early on in the *platonic bro hang*. Now is not the time to be getting ahead of himself.

KARKAT: WHAT, I CAN’T BE APPRECIATING IT FOR ITS “IRONIC VALUE”?
DAVE: aw dude
DAVE: howd you know irony is my love language
KARKAT: HMM, I WONDER HOW I WOULD EVER BE ABLE TO ASCERTAIN THAT. YOU ONLY BRING IT UP ONCE EVERY .2 SECONDS.
DAVE: clearly still not often enough
DAVE: plus this shits pretty mid as far as irony goes
DAVE: like i look at this and think theres a 95 percent chance that dudes a complete tool
DAVE: either way not enough jpeg artifacts for my tastes
KARKAT: AH, A CONEUSSEUR OF THE OVERT, SHITTY, IN YOUR FACE GRAPHICS.
KARKAT: I SHOULD’VE KNOWN ANYTHING MORE SUBTLE WOULD FLY STRAIGHT OVER YOUR PEA-SIZED BRAIN.
DAVE: bro do not even try to talk down to me about irony
DAVE: that shit is ass and you know it
DAVE: its even worse than the fucking love poems they put up in the trains in terms of pure cringiness

Karkat makes a face like he’s genuinely offended.

KARKAT: WOW, I FIGURED YOU HAD NO APPRECIATION FOR THE FINE ARTS A LONG TIME AGO, I DIDN’T KNOW YOUR HEAD WAS THAT EMPTY.
KARKAT: THOSE POEMS ARE FUCKING AWESOME.
KARKAT: THEY SERVE TO ROMANTICIZE A NORMALLY MUNDANE EXPERIENCE OF TAKING PUBLIC TRANSIT.
KARKAT: LOOK AT THAT ONE. TELL ME THAT DOESN’T MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE YOU CAN FIND LOVE RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER, EVEN IN THIS RAT-INFESTED, PISS STAINED, TRASH HEAP OF A CITY?

Dave looks over at the poem pinned up on the side of the car. He has no fucking clue what Karkat is talking about. Either this is genuine, and so overtly sappy that it gives him second-hand embarrassment to read, or it's an ironic masterpiece.

DAVE: dude youre out of your mind
DAVE: i cant even bring myself to read the whole thing
DAVE: are you actually into sappy love poems
KARKAT: YOU CONTINUE TO BETRAY JUST HOW MUCH OF AN IDIOT YOU ARE.
KARKAT: EVERYONE TRIES TO DISMISS LOVE AND ROMANCE LITERATURE AS SOME LESSER FORM OF ART MADE FOR HOUSEWIVES AND SAPS.
KARKAT: BUT THAT’S COMPLETE BULLSHIT.
KARKAT: IT’S A HUGELY IMPORTANT EXPERIENCE, DRIVING OUR DECISIONS AND MOTIVATIONS AND POWERING OUR STORIES. AND IT’S FUCKING BEAUTIFUL.
KARKAT: AND YET, WHAT HAPPENS WHEN A PIECE OF FINE ART DECIDES TO FOCUS ON THIS ALL-ENCOMPASING WORLD SHATTERING EMOTION?
KARKAT: SUDDENLY IT’S “TRASHY”? HOW?
DAVE: idk youre not wrong but
DAVE: when its like this its just
DAVE: too personal ig
DAVE: like tmi but for overly wholesome shit
KARKAT: YOU’RE SOMEHOW RIGHT ON THE MONEY, YET SO WRONG AT THE SAME TIME.
KARKAT: IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE PERSONAL DUMBASS, THAT’S HOW ART WORKS??
KARKAT: AT LEAST, WHEN IT’S ACTUALLY GOOD AND NOT JUST IRONY POISONED TO OBLIVION.
DAVE: lmao bro you gotta admit my raps would go way harder as subway poems than this stuff
DAVE: why are you so into this stuff anyways
DAVE: youre so fucking grumpy i was not expecting you to go off on love poems
DAVE: but i am here for it
KARKAT: I’M A ROMANCE LITERATURE ENTHUSIAST.
KARKAT: NOT QUITE AN EXPERT ON POEMS YET, BUT I’VE BEEN GETTING MORE INTO THEM LATELY.
KARKAT: I’M GONNA WRITE MY OWN NOVEL ONE DAY.
DAVE: wait fr?
DAVE: here i was imagining you up at night cursing the souls of your enemies and enacting elaborate revenge schemes
DAVE: but actually youre just like
DAVE: tearing through bodice rippers

Dave doesn’t know what more to say. The revelation that Karkat is a romance novel fanatic is somehow both completely out of left field and makes perfect sense.

KARKAT: YEAH, AND?
KARKAT: LIKE I WAS SAYING, WHAT’S MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE EXPLORATION OF LOVE? YOU’RE JUST GOING TO IGNORE AN ENTIRE SECTION OF THE MOST FUCKING BREATHTAKINGLY GORGEOUS LITERATURE JUST BECAUSE IT FOCUSES ON ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT HUMAN EMOTIONS?
DAVE: ok ok chill out dude
DAVE: i get it you like lame sappy shit

As cute as Karkat’s grumpy face staring up at him is, he doesn’t want to take the teasing too far this time.

DAVE: its pretty sick you want to write something though
DAVE: youre a writing major then?
KARKAT: NOPE.
KARKAT: COMPUTER SCIENCE.
DAVE: no fuckin way
DAVE: didnt know you were my brother in science
DAVE: man i was so scared you were some pretentious ass philosophy bro but it turns out youre just a pretentious ass tech bro
DAVE: actually
DAVE: now that i say that im not sure which is worse
DAVE: at least youre not in finance?
KARKAT: OH, FUCK OFF.
KARKAT: I’M NOT A FUCKING TECH BRO. HONESTLY I’M NOT EVEN SURE WHY I’M DOING IT.
KARKAT: IT’S SO FUCKING BORING.
KARKAT: BUT IT’S A “GOOD STABLE CAREER CHOICE,” SO HERE WE ARE.
DAVE: i mean
DAVE: if thats the only reason then like
DAVE: theres a lot of stable choices
DAVE: why this one?
KARKAT: WELL, I’M NOT GOING TO DO A WRITING MAJOR. I THINK THE STRESS OF TRYING TO MAKE IT BIG AS AN ARTIST WOULD PROBABLY MAKE ME START TO HATE IT.
KARKAT: I’D RATHER KEEP IT AS A FUN HOBBY.
DAVE: thats cool
DAVE: its what im doing with my music
DAVE: but why computers
KARKAT: IT’S JUST.
KARKAT: I WAS ALWAYS GOOD AT MATH AND SCIENCE AS A KID, AND I GOT INTO A DECENT SCHOOL, SO IT FEELS LIKE A WASTE TO NOT STUDY SOMETHING THAT MAKES GOOD MONEY AND USES THOSE SKILLS.
KARKAT: BUT I DIDN’T REALLY FEEL SUPER DRAWN TOWARDS ANY OF THE SUBJECTS.
KARKAT: I HADN’T TRIED COMPUTER SCIENCE OUT AND FIGURED I’D LIKE IT BETTER.
KARKAT: IT JUST SEEMED MORE, CREATIVE? I GUESS???
DAVE: but youre like
DAVE: not actually all that into the real thing
DAVE: why dont you try some new shit out?
DAVE: arent they always telling us nows the time to explore
DAVE: the world is your oyster and all that sappy cliche garbage you apparently go bananas for
KARKAT: WELL, I’VE BEEN RAVING ABOUT HOW I’M GOING TO BECOME A MASTER PROGRAMMER FOR SO LONG NOW.
KARKAT: AND EVERYONE RESPECTS IT. I FEEL FUCKING AWESOME WHEN I TELL PEOPLE THAT I’M STUDYING THIS. MY PARENTS ARE THRILLED.
KARKAT: I GUESS IT FEELS WEIRD TO CHANGE SOMETHING THAT EVERYONE ASSOCIATES WITH YOU
KARKAT: AND THAT EVEN YOU ASSOCIATE WITH YOURSELF.
KARKAT: MAYBE I DON’T WANT TO THROW IT AWAY YET.

Karkat takes a deep breath like he’s trying to calm himself. Dave’s surprised when he notices his hand start to reach out towards Karkat’s shoulder. He quickly reels it back; luckily Karkat is staring down at his feet and doesn’t see. This is weird. Usually, someone he barely knows getting all deep with him would be super fucking uncomfortable. He figures all the fighting must have somehow fast-tracked him to a baseline level of comfort with Karkat’s emotions. Either that or his dick has completely taken over his brain processes.

KARKAT: IT’S LIKE, THE PERSON I WANT TO BE WOULD BE STUDYING CS. SO MAYBE IF I DON’T WANT TO DO THAT, I’M NOT CAPABLE OF BECOMING THAT PERSON.
KARKAT: WHICH, REALLY, FUCKING SUCKS.
KARKAT: BUT I JUST DON’T GET THE POINT OF IT. IT DOESN’T DO ANYTHING FOR ME, STARING AT THE SCREEN ALL DAY AND READING ABOUT ALGORITHMS. CLEARLY IT DOES FOR SOME PEOPLE, BUT I’M JUST NOT ONE OF THEM. AND I FUCKING WISH I WAS.
KARKAT: SORRY, THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A FUN NIGHT AND NOW I’VE FUCKING RUINED IT WITH ALL THIS WOE IS ME BLATHERING ON.
DAVE: nah bro
DAVE: its chill
DAVE: i dont mind
DAVE: uh

Karkat’s looking up at him with big, sad, slightly cautious eyes. Now is not the time to fuck this up.

DAVE: i guess
DAVE: its pretty fuckin presumptuous for me to be giving advice cause i dont know you so well but like
DAVE: idk i think if you really wanted to study cs then you could be great at it
DAVE: youre like a smart dude super dedicated etc etc
DAVE: but
DAVE: if youre only keeping up with it to impress other people or whatever
DAVE: i dunno
DAVE: i just dont really think thats a good enough reason
DAVE: theres so many options out there that im sure you can find something that makes you feel fulfilled
DAVE: while still having the time to do your writing
DAVE: maybe you just gotta think about what you want instead of what other people want out of you
DAVE: cause honestly who gives a fuck
DAVE: all that really matters is that youre having fun
DAVE: or at least
DAVE: thats how i look at it
KARKAT: I GUESS?
KARKAT: I DON’T THINK I EVEN FUCKING KNOW WHAT I’D WANT, IF NOT THIS.
KARKAT: I’VE BEEN CONVINCING MYSELF FOR SO LONG THAT THIS WAS THE GOAL, SO I DIDN’T EVEN CONSIDER THAT I MIGHT NOT LIKE IT.
KARKAT: OTHERWISE, I’D PROBABLY BE SOME LOSER COOPED UP WATCHING ROM COMS EVERY DAY.
DAVE: well nothin wrong with that
DAVE: but im sure you can find it in your black crusty heart to enjoy something other than rom coms
DAVE: actually
DAVE: youre kind of a hater so…
KARKAT: I DON’T HATE EVERYTHING, AND FUCK YOU FOR ASSUMING THAT.
KARKAT: I AM A FUCKING DELIGHT TO BE AROUND, AS LONG AS YOU AREN’T SOME SELF AGGRANDIZING DOUCHEBAG.
DAVE: so what kind of stuff do you like
KARKAT: I LIKE COMPLAINING TO PEOPLE.
KARKAT: BEATING SENSE INTO MY FRIENDS WHEN THEY MAKE STUPID DECISIONS.
KARKAT: WRITING REVIEWS OF MEDIA.
KARKAT: AND ROM COMS.
KARKAT: ALL PERFECTLY RESPECTABLE AND AGREEABLE PASTIMES, AS I’M SURE YOU’LL AGREE.
DAVE: lmao youre like if the soul of a karen was stuffed into the body of an adorable tiny dude.

Oh fuck, he didn’t just say adorable out loud, did he?

KARKAT: FUCK NO, I WOULDN’T BE ADORABLE THEN.
KARKAT: IF ANYTHING I’D BE
KARKAT: ADORABLOODTHIRSTY

They share a quick laugh, Dave relieved that Karkat didn’t make a huge deal out of the comment. And now he’s back to that playfully mean demeanor instead of flipping out about his life purpose and all that lame shit. Score one point for Dave.

***

The train arrives at their stop, and Dave’s elated when he realizes that the vibe is basically the complete reverse of how it was when they entered the station. Karkat’s loudly complaining about the piss streaks littering the snow lining the sidewalk, while it takes nearly all Dave’s willpower to school his laughs down into just a sharp exhale, and his smile into a slight smirk.

Karkat’s hungry, so they grab a quick bite at a halal cart and they chow down while they walk. Karkat asks about the music they’re going to see, why Dave likes it, and Dave rambles on for an embarrassingly long time. But when he looks up, Karkat’s still listening with rapt attention. It’s a bit strange; usually this is where people start zoning out.

When they finish eating, Karkat asks if they should pregame beforehand.

DAVE: ok so
DAVE: we definitely dont gotta do this if you dont want but
DAVE: i did bring edibles just in case
DAVE: or we can just go to a normal bar
DAVE: whatever youre down for bro
KARKAT: WAIT, REALLY?
KARKAT: I’VE NEVER DONE THAT BEFORE.

Karkat looks away while they walk in silence for a couple seconds. He looks a little conflicted.

KARKAT: I KIND OF WANT TO?
DAVE: you sure dude?
DAVE: i dont want to like
DAVE: peer pressure you into being a delinquent
DAVE: take your 420 virginity
KARKAT: OH COME ON, STOP MAKING A BIG DEAL OUT OF IT LIKE YOU’RE SOME COOL EDGY STONER. IT’S JUST WEED.
KARKAT: LET’S GET ON WITH IT.
DAVE: damn ok

Dave hands him a gummy. Karkat grabs it, inspects it, and then takes a tiny, tentative bite out of it. He stares intensely, straight ahead, as he chews it, as if waiting for some grand change to occur.

KARKAT: HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE TO START WORKING?
DAVE: lmao youve probably got like an hour before it hits
DAVE: and you gotta take the whole thing
DAVE: gives us plenty of time to walk over get inside and get our bearings
KARKAT: HUH.

Dave grabs his own gummy and taps it lightly against Karkat’s.

DAVE: cheers bro
KARKAT: CHEERS