Chapter Text
It’s been 11 fucking minutes. And, with each passing minute, Karkat’s started to feel more and more like a pathetic loser realizing they’re in danger of getting stood up on a first date. Every time he so much as hears a noise in the general direction of the cafe door, his head completely involuntarily jolts up to check if it’s Dave. He feels like a goddamn puppy waiting for its owner to get home. In fact, he’s pretty sure his brain’s started fucking with him, because half the time he looks up there’s no one even remotely in the vicinity of the door.
Well, fuck this. It’s been 11 minutes, so there is now a nonzero possibility Dave might not even show up in the first place. Strider’s already proven dozens of times that he doesn’t give a flying fuck about wasting his or anyone’s time. And Karkat can’t keep letting himself be made out to be a fool. He is not going to think about Dave at all until the moment if/when he shows up. Why does he even think about this guy so much anyways? He is going to enjoy his nice coffee, bought for him by his fantastic friend Jade, and not look at the door no matter how many times he hears it swing open, because he doesn’t even care if Strider shows up in the first place, and
DAVE: sup
Well, there he is, standing with his hands shoved deep in his pockets, face completely devoid of any emotion, although, really, how hard can it be to keep up a poker face when at least half of it is covered up by oversized sunglasses?
KARKAT: WELL, WELL, WELL, LOOK WHO DECIDED TO FINALLY SHOW UP.
DAVE: uh
DAVE: i said 10 minutes?
KARKAT: EXACTLY. AND HOW MANY DO YOU THINK IT’S BEEN?
DAVE: dude you have to to be out of your goddamned mind if
Dave stops suddenly in the middle of the sentence, tilts his head upwards for about five seconds and takes in a deep breath, then slowly returns his gaze downward. He calmly reaches across to the other side of the table, grabs a chair, and settles in sitting across from Karkat.
DAVE: look dude
DAVE: ok i get youre pissed off about earlier
DAVE: and if you want to tell me how you think im a dumb brash piece of shit i think that’s pretty warranted
DAVE: but i guess i was hoping that maybe this would be a little more productive
DAVE: and the only way thats gonna happen is if we dont get distracted by dumb stupid shit
DAVE: which sucks major ass because getting distracted by stupid shit is like
DAVE: so my jam
DAVE: but come the fuck on youre just adding more shit to the pile because youre already pissed
DAVE: i mean at this point that piles so high its putting jelly on its goddamn hot dog…
KARKAT: DAVE
DAVE: right
Dave takes a deep breath before doing what seems like the closest approximation to eye contact his dumb glasses will allow.
DAVE: im just gonna say what i came here to say
DAVE: so
DAVE: i fucked up
DAVE: shouldnt have said that shit especially given that we had literally already talked about this yesterday
DAVE: i dont have an excuse i just say some dumb shit sometimes
DAVE: and i mean really dumb like the stuff that comes out of my mouth keeps gettin held back every year in school
DAVE: its at fuckin summer school staring out the window…
Holy fuck, what the hell was he thinking? Why did he intentionally decide to subject himself to this? Dave’s patronizing “apology” bullshit was annoying enough without getting constantly distracted with the most vacuous metaphors ever known to mankind.
KARKAT: SHUT THE FUCK UP.
DAVE: oh yeah
DAVE: sorry
KARKAT: I SAID SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!
KARKAT: NOW, LISTEN HERE YOU ABSOLUTE PATRONIZING PIECE OF SHIT.
KARKAT: WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?
KARKAT: I MEAN, FIRST OF ALL, YOU’RE CLEARLY TRYING TO COME IN WITH YOUR WHOLE REHEARSED NONAPOLOGY, THAT YOU PROBABLY DON’T EVEN MEAN, SO YOU CAN COME OFF AS THIS “MATURE ADULT”.
KARKAT: WHILE MAKING ME OUT TO BE SOME SORT OF OVEREFFUSIVE CRYBABY WHO’S MAKING A HUGE FUCKING DEAL OUT OF NOTHING.
KARKAT: WHICH, HELL NO.
DAVE: i uh
KARKAT: HELL! FUCKING! NO!
KARKAT: YOU DO NOT GET TO ADMIT YOU MADE A MISTAKE AND APOLOGIZE AND IT’S ALL EXPLOSIONS OF SUNSHINE AND RAINBOWS, SPONSORED BY THE POWER OF FRIENDSHIP!
KARKAT: I AM GOING TO WRECK YOUR SHIT. THAT IS A NON-NEGOTIABLE, CONTRACTUALLY OBLIGATED PART OF THIS CONVERSATION.
KARKAT: LUCKILY, YOUR TRANSPARENT RUSE OF COMPETENCE WAS PROMPTLY SHATTERED BY YOUR INANE RAMBLINGS, WHICH ONLY PROVE TO SHOW JUST HOW NERVOUS YOU REALLY ARE.
KARKAT: BUT, LUCKY FOR YOU, I AM PERFECTLY FINE WITH AND, IN FACT, WHOLEHEARTEDLY ENCOURAGE THIS.
KARKAT: YOU SHOULD BE NERVOUS.
Dave’s face actually starts to turn red. Oh, this is perfect, he was totally right. Strider’s a hell of a lot more transparent than he thinks he is.
KARKAT: THERE IS NO WAY TO ESCAPE MY IMPENDING AVALANCHE OF HATE.
KARKAT: I AM GOING TO FLAME YOU INTO OBLIVION.
KARKAT: YOU WILL RUE THE DAY YOU MET ME FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. BECAUSE IT IS THE DAY YOU LEARNED WHAT A BLIGHT YOU ARE UPON HUMANITY, AND UNDERSTOOD THAT YOU WILL SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE IN REPENTANCE FOR THE IDIOCITY SPEWED OUT OF YOUR TIGHT, VIRTUALLY NONEXISTENT LIPS.
There we go. Despite the slight flush from earlier, Dave’s face still looks fairly neutral, but it’s starting to slip. His head has shifted slightly, and Karkat doubts he’s still making eye contact. There’s a slight downward inclination to his lips, as if he’s biting the corner of the inside of his mouth. It’s the longest period Karkat’s ever seen him be this silent for. Dave draws up his foot onto his knee to start fidgeting it around and, holy fuck, his shoe is trashed, held together by fucking duct tape for god’s sake. So much for his “polished” appearance. Now it’s trivial to see what he really is. A goddamn poser.
KARKAT: OH MY FUCKING GOD, YOU LITERALLY LOOK LIKE A DAMSEL IN DISTRESS RIGHT NOW.
KARKAT: HAH, THIS IS GOING TO BE SO MUCH EASIER THAN I THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO BE.
KARKAT: I ACTUALLY KIND OF FEEL LIKE I’M MISSING OUT ON THE CHALLENGE???
KARKAT: YOU’RE REALLY LETTING YOURSELF GO THESE DAYS, STRIDER. YOU USED TO WAVE YOUR WHOLE REPUGNANT FACADE UP IN EVERYONE’S FACE LIKE AN UNSOLICITED DICK PIC.
KARKAT: BUT A COUPLE MINUTES OF ME TELLING YOU HOW IT IS, AND YOU’RE ALREADY STARTING TO SWEAT.
KARKAT: YOU DON’T EVEN LOOK COOL ANYMORE, IF YOU EVER DID IN THE FIRST PLACE! I MEAN, LOOK AT YOUR FUCKING SHOE!
KARKAT: JESUS CHRIST IF THAT ISN’T AN APT METAPHOR FOR WHAT YOU’RE GOING TO LOOK AND FEEL LIKE AFTER I’M DONE WITH YOU.
Yep, Mr. Completely Fucking Unperturbed is starting to look real fucking tense now. It’s all so obvious. The subtle raise of his eyebrows, the quick intake of breath. Dave’s head makes a barely perceptible shift to the right, like he wants to get out. Karkat feels a tinge of worry that he might be taking this too far, but it’s easily overwhelmed by the massive ego boost he gets every time he manages to incite a reaction in Dave.
KARKAT: HAHAHA, ARE YOU LOOKING TO ESCAPE??
KARKAT: NOT A FUCKING CHANCE, STRIDER.
Karkat slams down on the table, and Dave physically flinches away. For just a moment, he fully turns his head in the direction of the door, looking like he might actually make a run for it. If Karkat had been less of a power tripping piece of shit, maybe that would’ve been what tipped him off.
But the alarm doesn’t actually go off in Karkat’s head until Dave freezes mid-flinch like he’s made some grave error, before he slowly turns back to Karkat, face relaxing into its usual expression. He slides his foot off his knee, crossing it behind his other leg to obscure his shoe. He sets his chin on his hand and relaxes his face into an expression of practiced boredom, totally removed from what Karkat can only guess is the closest he’ll see Dave get to genuine distress. Which means there’s no way he’s not still feeling this way now. In fact, he’s probably way more perturbed than even that expression let on. Fuck. Karkat’s gone and totally screwed this whole thing up. He’ll be lucky if Dave even wants anything to do with him anymore after this.
KARKAT: OH SHIT.
KARKAT: FUCK FUCK FUCK.
KARKAT: GOD, I AM SUCH A FUCKING IDIOT.
KARKAT: YOU’RE NOT OK, ARE YOU?
A slight tilt of the head, a furrowing of the brows, and a downward pull to the corner of his mouth perfectly morphs Dave’s expression into one of slightly judgemental confusion, giving the impression that he’s giving Karkat the side eye behind those godforsaken sunglasses. As if he’s mildly amused at the fact that Karkat could think he was anything other than completely fucking peachy.
It’s too fucking perfect. It could not be any more obvious that it’s rehearsed.
DAVE: dude what are you talking about
DAVE: im fine
What the fuck?!?!