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r/relationship_advice · Posted by u/eumppappasdad 22 hours ago.

i (19m) feel homophobic towards my gay roommate (19m) but i want to stay friends

Relationships

okay let’s get things straight (haha) i definitely never thought i was a bigot or anything. like i’ve attended seoul pride march with my friends for the past 5 consecutive years and i’m always been very open with my gay friends. not to use the “i know gay ppl so i can’t be homophobic” excuse but i’m basically the token heterosexual among my friend group and i’ve never felt weird about their relationships so i’m totally confused on why i suddenly became a homophobe.

this is where it all began. i’ve been rooming with “shim” since the beginning of our college freshmen year after our mutual friends (also gay actually) (and in a relationship together) introduced us to each other since we both needed roommates. i’ve known he was gay since the start, which was never a problem. we’re in our second year now and we’re honestly really good friends. like good enough friends to flirt, but like platonically of course, and slap each other’s asses (i usually do the slapping to be fair). he knows i’m straight, i know i’m straight, i’m just using that as an example to explain that we’re pretty close close, yk?

i’m afraid it all began when he started bringing guys home. we share a two-room apartment, not an on-campus dorm, so it’s not like i have to get sexiled. and our walls are pretty thick (NOT THAT IVE BEEN TRYING TO LISTEN!!) but i definitely know when guys are over. we don’t usually talk about it but we have established boundaries and he hasn’t violated any of them so i really think i’m the problem here. they come over pretty often which i totally get bc he’s really hot and totally a catch so it makes sense that guys are always over.

sometimes they don’t always stay in his room which is totally normal for hookups like i’ve walked in on them just having drinks at the kitchen counter but even that made me so crazy nauseous i just stared and couldn’t say anything. we were both embarrassed i guess so i just left quickly and shut the door.

i did lock myself out because i forgot my keys so he let me back in while he was letting his hookup out and that was probably in the top 5 most humiliating moments of my life. we did talk it out though and he said he would double check with me to see when i’d be out but i was like it’s honestly not a big deal like as long as they just drink coffee at the counter and don’t fuck there it would be just peachy. like holy shit i’m definitely a bigot because even the thought of him fucking other guys while i wrote that sentence had me feeling physically ill.

and i thought okay maybe it was just a one time thing but every time i even caught a glimpse of a guy over i wanted to just keel over and push the guy out of our apartment. it’s not like i want to imagine them fucking?? but like when i see them both entering or exiting his room i can’t help but have thoughts that make me feel awful. am i a bad person for hoping our cat will claw a guy’s dick or that our dog will bite a nipple off?? these are casual hookups mind you. like there are a few regulars i’ve kept count of but we chat pretty often and he’s told me he’s not dating anyone rn so i don’t know what i’ll do when he actually gets in a serious relationship.

THE WORST PART IS THAT HE’S NOTICING?? one of the aforementioned casuals tried to make small talk with me and i can’t even remember what i said but i was pissy and i kind of told him to fuck off i guess?? shim was like why are you being such an asshole and i was like haha idk what u mean BUT I DID KNOW WHAT HE MEANT i just felt so so bad. i tried to apologize but he was grilling me on if i had a problem with him bringing guys over and before i could say anything he was bringing up my hookups from freshman year. which is fair. but also those were just in the first few months before i gave up on any sorts of relationships bc i just wasn’t feeling it with anyone.

i told him he was right and i was just having one bad day and then he started bringing up all the other times i acted weird in front of his hookups like damn he did not have to bring out the receipts like that. i tried to defend myself but he left and went to sleep at a friend’s place for the night. and then he implied he would sleep with him there instead of at our place to avoid disturbing me. and i in fact felt so greatly disturbed.

it’s been a few days and we’re mostly back to normal but instead of bringing guys over he just loudly announces when he’s leaving. i don’t want to mess things up like he’s genuinely such a good roommate. when i come home late from class he always has an extra milk tea saved for me, we hangout all the time, and we try to have as many meals together as possible. it’s just a really good rhythm rn. i just don’t want to lose our friendship but i don’t want to hurt him with my homophobia either.

what can i do? i’ve never been homophobic but suddenly i’m a bigot when i even think of my roommate’s sex life. my other gay friends confide to me all the time for relationship advice and to just spill sex life gossip because we’re homies like that but i’ve always been chill about it. idk if it’s just because i’m only homophobic towards gay ppl i have to live with?? but also my older brother is gay and we were in the same house since my birth so i don’t even know. i might have to break our lease if i can’t get myself under control, i don’t want to hurt him. i’m staying at my friend’s rn so i can figure out what’s going on with myself.

tldr: my roommate is gay. i’m the token straight of our friend group. i’ve suddenly started feeling sick when i see him with other guys and it’s affecting our relationship. what do i do????? i’m suddenly homophobic?? pls help???

PS. we’re raising a cat and dog together and my head hurts thinking of how we’ll do shared custody so i’d really like to resolve this asap

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