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Jade was avoiding him.
Karkat hadn't noticed at first. He and Dave barely even had time to exchange insults anymore, with all of the strategy meetings and desperate missions to occupy their every waking moment; of course the girl recently recovered from the Condesce's mind control wasn't up for a heart-to-heart with some asshole she hadn't seen in three years.
Except she had time for John and Dave and Rose. Hell, he'd seen her exchanging pleasantries with Kanaya during a lull in action, but if she crossed paths with him, the most he could expect was a curt nod. He tried to start a conversation once, but she cut him off and dashed away with the excuse that she had to check on John.
Maybe she did have better things to do than put up with his bullshit, but he couldn't help feeling offended when he watched her during the next meeting. She looked attentively at every speaker -- often locking gazes -- but when Karkat spoke, she suddenly found her fingernails the most fascinating things in the room.
Platonic hate didn't get much more fucking obvious.
* * *
Dave fixed him with his usual blank stare; even though his eyes were hidden, he somehow looked even less impressed than usual. "She does not hate you, dude."
Karkat threw his arms in the air. "Were you not fucking listening, Strider?" He paced across Dave's apartment and back -- nearly tripping on wires more than once -- while Dave watched him from his computer chair, a bent notebook in his lap. When they had nothing better to do, Dave often dragged Karkat to Land of Heat and Who-Gives-a-Fuck; they had two hours to kill before the next phase of Rose's latest strategy.
Dave shrugged and bent back over his notebook, no doubt penning more shitty raps to torment Karkat with later -- moments like this, it almost felt like they were back on the meteor. "Maybe she's got troll allergies. Gotta keep you at arm's length or else her nose explodes into a stream of mucus and misery."
"That is not a thing."
"Sure it is." Dave rolled his pen between his fingers, poking the paper with it on occasion but not writing. "I've been suffering from symptoms a lot lately, but instead of snot and swollen throats, they manifest as an inexplicable urge to fuck with you."
"Then you're allergic to air, apparently, you obnoxious bulgesniffer!" Karkat snapped. "And this conversation isn't about your self-centered ass anyway!"
"I don't see why not. My ass is pretty fine." Dave leaned forward a little as if threatening to show off said ass. "I think we're good enough bros we can both admit that."
"This is what I get for coming to you for advice. My judge of character wants to challenge John's for the title of Biggest Fucking Dumbass in the Remaining Universe."
Dave flopped back against his chair. "Yeah, pretty much." He tapped the tip of his pen against the page, looking for a moment like he might ignore the conversation in favor of dumb poetry. "Seriously, though? Jade's way too nice for passive-aggressive bullshit."
"Then why is she avoiding me?"
"Ask her, not me."
"Right, I'll get right on that once she stops avoiding me."
The way Dave cocked his head, Karkat could just tell he was rolling his eyes behind those shades like a condescending asshole. "Fine," Dave said. He pulled out his phone and his fingers glided over the screen. "I am doing you one solid here. You gotta handle the rest on your own."
He held the phone's screen out towards Karkat. It showed a mostly clear Pesterchum log with one message to gardenGnostic, still awaiting a reply: "yo you got a sec to pop by lohac? got something to run by you"
Before Karkat could point out what an obviously shittastic plan that was -- not to mention he was in no way prepared for a confrontation, but Dave didn't need to know that -- Pesterchum updated with a neon green reply of "sure can! :)"
Fuck.
With a flash of green light, Jade teleported into the room. There was a moment of hesitation as she caught sight of Karkat, but she recovered with a grin, locking her eyes on Dave. "Hi, Dave!"
"Jegus, Harley." Dave pocketed his phone with a flourish. "Popping over here without warning like that. What if I was changing or something?"
Karkat muttered about how Dave hadn't changed his clothes in over a fucking sweep, but Jade talked over him.
She tilted her head. "You just told me to stop by?" she said, a lilt in her voice changing the statement into a question.
"Yeah, but I wasn't expecting you to drop everything and appear nigh instantaneously." He held his hands, palms upward, in a shrug. "Didn't know my pleas for help are like flicking a light switch that makes a Jade appear instead of electricity."
She frowned. "Okay, yes, next time I will make sure you are ready before zapping here." She glanced around the apartment, but her gaze avoided Karkat. "What did you need help with?"
"Gotta get something in the other room first." Dave tossed his notebook onto his computer keyboard and stood. "You see, this is what happens when you jump the gun. I am unprepared and now this is just awkward. I have to make you wait around while I do the thing I would be finished with if you'd shown up in ten minutes like a normal person."
"Jeeeez, I get it!" She rolled her eyes. "Just hurry up before Rose notices I am gone and hangs me with her knitting!"
"When does Dave Strider ever waste time?" he said as he made his way out of the room. He made a point of latching the door.
The next five minutes were easily in the Top Three Most Uncomfortable Silences that Karkat had ever experienced. They both fidgeted and avoided eye contact. He glanced at Jade every so often, but she seemed to be doing a better job of not looking at him as she studied Dave's apartment.
He wasn't speechless. There were plenty of words begging to spew out of his mouth; he just wasn't in the mood to dig his hole deeper, again. Humans weren't as quick to forgive his stupid rants and he was too off-guard to know how to be delicate. That shit was easier on Trollian anyway.
"Umm." Jade broke the silence, but she stared very hard at one of Dave's dumb posters. "I am going to head back to LOFAF. Tell Dave to message me again when he's ready." Her feet floated off the ground as green light grew around her.
"Fucking knew it."
He didn't expect her to respond or even hear him, but the light faded and she landed. She looked straight at him for the first time since she arrived, her brow furrowed. "Knew what?"
Now that she'd noticed him, it was too late not to say something he'd regret. "Oh, come on, Harley. How dumb do you think I am?"
"Ummm." She tilted her head with a slight grin. "Am I supposed to be honest or nice?"
He grit his teeth. "That's exactly what I'm talking about! You think I'm a fucking idiot, but I notice shit, Jade. I notice more than any of you assholes give me credit for and I sure as hell noticed that. And you know what?" He threw an arm up. "Whatever! I don't give a shit! No one can blame you, not even me!"
"You are not making any sense." She narrowed her eyes. "More than usual, I mean."
He groaned and facepalmed. She would play dumb to his shortcomings and make him list them. "I get it, all right?" he said. "I'm a failure and I can't keep my temper and everyone else would be better off if I was dead!"
Her confused expression was gone in a flash, replaced by what looked like anger. "Don't say that!"
"Why the fuck not?" he shouted.
"It's bullshit, that's why!" she said, matching his volume and glare with ease.
"It's not bullshit, it's cold hard fact." He jammed a finger into his open palm. "You've got every right to be mad at the asshole who yells at you all the time and drives you up the wall. Hell, you're too disgusted to even share a room with me for five minutes!"
She groaned and rolled her eyes with such exaggeration that her head moved with them. "Stop making things up! I'm not mad at you!"
"Then why the hell are you avoiding me?" he said through grit teeth.
She glared him straight in the face. "Because you should be mad at me, you stupid jerk!"
His face contorted as he yelled, "I fucking am!"
"Good!"
"You've got that damn ri-" He cut himself off as what they were saying fully sank in. "Wait, why the fuck am I supposed to be mad at you?" he shouted even louder.
Her anger almost faltered, as if it only stayed because she was clinging to it. "Because I couldn't fight off the Condesce's control, you idiot!" Her voice shook, just a little, as she fought to keep up with his volume. "I went around hurting everyone and fucking up everything we'd done! And I ordered Jane to..." She rubbed furiously at her eyes. "And I still can't keep these stupid tears away!"
He couldn't remember the last time his fury had drained so quickly, but confusion and sympathy dragged his volume down to almost reasonable levels. "That's what this was about?" he said. "Jade, what the actual bulgelicking fuck, that wasn't you."
"Yes, it was." She glared at her tear-stained arm. "I should have been able to break free!"
He had to pause a moment to piece together what she'd said, but it still made no sense. "So you're avoiding me... to show how angry you are with yourself for something you couldn't help." He slumped his shoulders and shook his head. "I didn't think humans could get dumber, but congratulations, Jade. You've proven me wrong. I have now witnessed something that involves less logic than Strider's stupid comics. I'll be sure to get you a plaque."
"I'm avoiding you because you make me feel like shit!" she shouted.
His face must have been doing a fuckall job of hiding the hurt that just slammed through his think pan, because her anger faded almost immediately.
"Oh." Her eyes went wide and she spoke rapidly as is to make up for the lack of a backspace for her mouth. "Oh no, not like that. I didn't mean that, Karkat, really!"
"You don't have to spare my damn feelings, Harley." Karkat rolled his eyes and scowled even though it was too late to save face. "It's not like I don't already know I have that effect on people."
"No, no, no, don't you dare use this as another reason to beat yourself up!" she said, still talking too fast. "You make me feel like shit because I-I can't get the image of you covered in blood out of my head, all right?" She bit at her lip and her voice went quiet. "Every time I finally meet my friends in person, it ends with them dying from wounds that are my fault."
"Jade?" he said with a moment's hesitation, not sure he really wanted her to continue.
She shook her head. "I'm sorry, it's not you, I just..." She ran her sleeve over her eyes, but new tears replaced them. "I can't seem to stop..." She tried again with as much success. "Dammit!" There was a sob in her voice.
"Uh... look, I'm..." He gestured vaguely and searched for words that wouldn't dig them deeper; he was in no fucking way prepared for this conversation. "I'm not saying that wasn't traumatic or that I'm okay with what happened, but did you miss the part where you fucking revived me?"
She sniffed. "But it's still my fault if Jane needs to revive you later and can't!" She was shouting again, but at least it didn't sound angry.
He let out a huff, half to put her at ease and half because he was genuinely offended. "Hey, it'll be at least a quarter my fault for being so shitty at everything that I manage to let myself die twice."
She almost managed a smile, but it turned to a grimace as more tears fell. "Stop it, stop it, stop it!" she hissed at herself, rubbing a palm over her eyes. "Crying doesn't solve anything!"
He sighed, maybe with a little more exasperation than she needed to hear. "Jade, no one cares if you need to fucking cry sometimes."
"I don't need to cry!" Her voice shook as the tears really started to slip out. He'd never seen her so distraught, not counting her sprite self. "I-I'm not going to be worthless and pathetic a-and crying when everyone needs me and I've already caused so much trouble and-"
He reached out and papped her on the side of the head. "Shoosh."
She hiccuped and stared at him in confusion, but at least she stopped ranting at herself. He papped her a couple more times for good measure.
"Wh..." The tears and sniffles didn't stop, but she managed to calm her crying enough to choke out, "What are you doing?"
"Shooshpapping you." He repeated the action on her shoulder twice, since paps on the face made her shudder.
She still trembled and the only improvement remained the quieting of her sobs. "Hunh?" she said between sniffs.
"It's supposed to calm you." He dropped his hands. "I guess it only works on trolls."
She sniffed. "Yeah, it's... it's just kind of annoying, actually."
"How the hell do humans make each other feel better?"
"Um, I..." She shrugged. "I guess we hug?"
He hesitated a moment, trying to calculate if the awkwardness was worth the effort. He raised his arms in invitation. She flung against his chest and wrapped her arms around his back. He set his hands against her back in return, but cautiously enough that she could elbow him away if he touched anywhere he shouldn't. He was hyper-aware that, for having created them and spent over a sweep living with two of them, he didn't actually know that much about humans and their comfort zones.
If he was fucking things up again, she didn't tell him. She had one hell of a grip for how tiny she looked and she squeezed him so tight it almost hurt. He felt the front of his shirt grow damp from tears -- he cringed a little, but at least they didn't stain like troll tears -- and she buried her hiccups against his chest.
She let out a small whine that sounded like she was holding back proper sobs.
"I don't think this is helping," he said, but to his discomfort she only clung to him tighter.
"I'm trying. I don't want to waste time on this, but I j-just keep thinking about the things I did and that... that people are going to die because of me."
He sighed and papped at her back. At least she didn't seem to mind that. "Holding in emotions isn't good for you, dumbass."
"That explains a lot about your dreadful attitude," she said, managing a spiteful tone despite the shakiness in her voice.
"I am the healthiest fucking asshole in the remaining universe."
He almost couldn't tell that her laughter wasn't a sob. "The worst part is I think you're right."
"It's common fucking sense." He papped her on the side of the head less gently than usual. "You keep everything bottled like a moron, you're just going to explode when you most need to keep your shit together."
"So I'm supposed to create a memo and rant mindlessly at my confused past self?"
"If it makes you feel better, why the hell not?"
"It's stupid. And my future self never messaged me." She squeezed him tighter and sniffed, but her sobs were gone. He was about to risk detaching himself when she finally spoke again. "Fuck past me!" she screamed into his shoulder and he jumped. Her voice grew in volume with each word. "Fuck her for hurting my friends, fuck her for being a giant crybaby, FUCK HER FOR BEING ME!" She breathed heavily and held him tighter for a moment before she pulled away, keeping her hands on his back. She looked embarrassed, but the tears weren't falling anymore. "I... I think I needed that."
His eyes were wide but he managed to utter, "Nice start."
She gave him a light shove. "It was just this once, okay? I'm not gonna risk turning into you."
"So you're going to go right back to pretending everything is fucking rainbows while you use me as a scapegoat for all your problems."
She glowered. "I wasn't using you as a scapegoat!"
"Well, where the bulgesucking hell would I have gotten that impression?" He rolled his eyes. "I'm just the one single fucking person you refuse to look in the eye."
She deflated. "Okay, maybe I was. But it wasn't just that!" She straightened up again. If it weren't for the red around her eyes, it would have been hard to tell she'd just been crying. "You're the only person I succeeded in really injuring! And it just... It hurt, okay, that I couldn't fight mind control enough to keep someone dear to me safe."
He studied her for a moment. "Okay."
"Okay?"
"Yeah." He shrugged. "Go back to ignoring me if that's what you need to stay sane. Least I know it's nothing I did for once."
"That's not what I..." She sighed. "You were so wrong. You don't notice shit."
He scowled. "Excuse me?"
"You're actually kind of oblivious."
"What, I misread your stupid actions once and suddenly I'm oblivious?" He threw his arms in the air. "I am the most perceptive leader you wigglers could ever ask for! I notice every fart, every eyeroll, every-"
She cut him off by leaning forward and pecking her lips against his. She pulled back quickly and cleared her throat.
His mouth hung open, but for once in his life he couldn't find words, even bad ones. "Uh."
"Yep." She dropped her arms and backed away. "So I should go."
He fought for his voice. "Wa... wait, what?" he managed just as she was about to teleport. "What the fuck was that supposed to mean?"
She turned back with an exasperated expression, her cheeks flushing red. "What do you think it means?"
"I think it means I have made too many stupid assumptions today and you should fucking spell it out!"
Her blush grew worse and her eyes widened. "You're going to make me say it?"
He glared until she fidgeted.
"I like you."
That didn't help him break out of his stupor. "You mean like... flushed-like?"
"Yes, Karkat! Hence the smooch! Can I go now?"
"Hell no! One minute I make you feel like shit apparently, the next you're fucking kissing me? What the hell am I supposed to do with that?"
"Oh my god." She slapped both hands over her face. "You can't even take confessions without throwing a fit!"
"And you're surprised I don't get why you give a shit about me?"
"It doesn't matter why I like you!" she shouted. "But I am going to borrow Dave's handle so I can flip off it if I have to wait through another five minutes of screeching to find out whether you reciprocate or not, dumpass!"
"Well, you made me wait three of your fucking human years!"
"Wh-why do you think I'm so impatient?" She sounded exasperated, but her face flushed even redder. "Jeez."
There were getting to be way too damn many awkward silences between them.
"So, uh," he said and internally smacked himself for such a smooth transition. "I guess you're going to stop avoiding me now."
Her mouth twitched into a smile. "I guess I'll have to."
"That's not going to, like," he shrugged, "emotionally scar you or anything, is it?"
"Umm, more than already? Probably not." She moved closer and rested her head against his chest so one of her ears pressed to the spot just over his blood pusher. "Not if you're okay with letting me do this every now and then."
He was glad she wasn't looking up. His face had finally caught up with his brain and blushed bright red. "Y-yeah. You can... do that." He managed to calm the blush into a dull pink before she broke away. "Um." He shifted. "You caught me off-guard earlier. With that kiss. That's the only reason it was so weak, got it? It would have been different if I'd known it was fucking coming."
She gave him an unimpressed stare. "You're really bad at subtlety."
"Maybe I wasn't trying for fucking subtlety!"
She sighed. "Then ask me outright instead of skating around it."
The red in his cheeks made a comeback and his back went a little stiff. "C... can I kiss you again?"
"Hmm." She only kept up her indecisive expression for a couple seconds before a smile took over. "Yes." She closed her eyes and tilted her head towards him.
That was unexpectedly intimidating. He hadn't actually initiated many kisses and he couldn't even risk taking too long to evaluate his options, or risk her opening her eyes to find out what the hold up was. She twitched and, in nothing short of panic, he leaned in and shut his eyes the instant he confirmed at least his aim was right.
It was awkward (oh holy fuck so awkward), but she returned it without hesitation and that drew out a fair amount of the tension. Human lips were a lot softer than he was expecting, even though it should have been obvious from how they were so much more fragile in every other way. He didn't dare open his mouth too much for fear of nipping her with his relatively sharper teeth.
In a lot of ways, the first kiss was probably better. Less time to fuck up.
"Well, shit," an all-too-familiar voice drawled. "I guess she hates you in a troll way then."
They broke apart with startled yelps.
Dave leaned against the wall as if he'd been watching the whole time. The door was even shut even though neither of them had heard it open. Flashstepping bastard.
"D-did you find what you needed?" Jade said, face turning red again as she tried to straighten herself.
"Yep, pretty sure we all got what we came for now."
"Oh," she said as a look of realization crossed her face. "Really, Dave?"
He shrugged. "You played passive-aggressive first."
She blushed worse and mumbled to Karkat, "Can I see you again after the mission?" She shot Dave a glare which he dutifully ignored. "Alone?"
"I was kinda assuming that was a fucking given?" Karkat said.
"Good." She kissed him on the cheek before disappearing in a flash of green light.
It wasn't exactly the sanest move, hooking up in the middle of a war when they were both emotionally fucked up in seven hundred kinds of ways, but for once he couldn't care enough to beat himself up over it. There was time to figure shit out and at least they could be fucked up together.
Dave flopped into his seat. "So. Still think she hates you?"
Karkat facepalmed and groaned. "I'm never going to hear the end of this, am I?"
Dave just smirked.