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The first time Dave had asked you on a human date, you didn't really know what to expect. He'd explained the concept to you, more than once, and had even illustrated it with some shitty Earth movies even though he'd backtracked and said they were bad examples and that he knew it was a bad idea to try and prove his point with action films. You'd accepted anyway because, well, how different could human dating be?
Boring. Human dating is boring. It doesn't help that you're trapped on the meteor, but Dave's made it pretty clear that human dating has never involved hunting down shadow droppers at daybreak, which is a shame because you'd always been looking forward to that - what, your eyes were going to get more damaged or something? You were initially upset that you'd never get the chance to strife with his lusus before you went out, but then he'd reminded you that human dating sometimes involved eating strawberry jell-o until you threw up, and you were okay with that.
It's been a few perigees since then and you feel like you're beginning to master the art of Earth dates. One time you both put on ugly shirts and followed Kanaya around until she threatened to lock you both in the laundry block for it, and another you'd sat either side of Rose and insisted that she read her book aloud. You've been banned from speaking to either of them for the next three weeks when you and Dave are together. Your favourite human date so far is the one where you'd built a nuclear power plant in Can Town so the residents have their choice of power sources. It was a very industrious move, the Mayor had thought.
Sometimes, you both get sick of screwing around with everyone else on the meteor and even replacing all of Karkat's hard-copy films with blank discs seems boring. On days like that, when everyone is in their own respiteblocks or isn't in the mood to deal with some legendary Pyrope-Strider antagonism, you and Dave do the same.
In fact, you don't think you've really left his block for at least five wake-cycles.
Well, you've left his block to collect food. And one time you'd gone back to your own respiteblock to collect Pyralspite and as many of the others as you could carry in your bunched-up cape, because you remembered that the wicked Rubytalon was on trial. It wouldn't be very good of you to drag out her trial for longer than was necessary since you're trying to be efficient with your executions and she's already been locked up for too long. Her victims want their revenge. You've also left his block to use the load gaper, and made a few trips to the ablution chamber. You've made him do the same a couple of times because somehow teenage human boys start to smell even when they're not doing anything for days on end.
It still amazes you how much time he can spend sitting at his mixing desk without achieving anything. He's been working on something for days and it's still nowhere near finished. You know this because you've asked him, loads of times, and every single time he's replied with a curt 'not now'. You listened to his progress last sleep-cycle and you're of the opinion it sounds just fucking fine, but he's not happy with it. He's not happy with anything though and he's told you that until his shitty broken sword ends up going through his husktop, you don't need to worry. So instead of getting in his face when he starts swearing at the program, you've taken to constructing a little more fort. Little by little, the fort had grown, until his entire respiteblock was filled with pillows and blankets and you're sure it would have won awards for fort construction had the Fort Construction Board from either of your universes survived the scratch.
You don't know how long you've been lying on the heavily padded floor, head propped up on a pile of fresh-scented pillows, husktop open on your stomach. It's probably only two days, really. The fort is dark but it makes no difference to you since you can't see anyway, and besides, the whole lab is like that and you're in the middle of space so light isn't exactly at a premium anyway. You're clicking through GrubTube when you feel the cushions shift beside you and you get a nose full of Dave's familiar scent.
DAVE: sup
TEREZI: D4V3, WH3N 1 S3NT YOU TO TH3 ABLUT1ON CH4MB3R Y3ST3RD4Y D1D YOU 4CTU4LLY US3 TH3 CH4MB3R OR D1D YOU JUST K1CK 4ROUND 1N TH3 BLOCK UNT1L 1T S33M3D L1KE LONG 3NOUGH H4D P4SS3D?
DAVE: i cant confirm or deny any of that shit without talking to my lawyer first
TEREZI: 1 4M YOUR L4WY3R
DAVE: well shit
DAVE: in that case
DAVE: i spent a hella long time in the tub
TEREZI: D1D YOU F1LL THE TR4P W1TH W4T3R B3FOR3 YOU GOT 1N?
DAVE: i knew there was a reason my ass was cold
DAVE: fuck
TEREZI: HOW D1D YOU MONUM3NT4LLY FUCK UP SOM3TH1NG L1KE TH4T?
DAVE: talent
DAVE: years of fuckin practice
DAVE: and its hard to actually take a nice cool shower when said shower is full of smuppet dick
TEREZI: YOUR C4S3 WH1L3 COMP3LL1NG SOUNDS L1K3 COMPL3T3 HORS3SH1T
TEREZI: 1 4M 4LMOST T3MPT3D TO THROW YOU OUT OF MY COURTROOM
DAVE: were in a what now
TEREZI: OH PL34S3
TEREZI: W3 4R3 4LW4YS 1N MY COURTROOM
TEREZI: 1S 1T R34LLY TH4T H4RD FOR HUM4N M4L3S TO R3M3MB3R TO CL34N TH3MS3LV3S?
DAVE: it is when theyre lost in space and dont give a shit
TEREZI: 1 G1V3 4 SH1T
DAVE: well excuse me
DAVE: we cant all live up to your crazy high alien standards
DAVE: im just a poor kid from texas
DAVE: aint nothing special here
TEREZI: 1 THOUGHT YOUR LUSUS W4S LO4D3D
DAVE: yeah he was
TEREZI: SO YOU 4R3 NOT 4 POOR K1D FROM T3X4S
DAVE: not really
TEREZI: SO YOU L13D TO YOUR L4WY3R
TEREZI: YOU 4R3 NOT GO1NG TO L4ST 4 W33K 1N TH3 SL4MM3R
DAVE: the slammer huh
TEREZI: Y34H, 1M JUST R34LLY 4NGRY 4BOUT YOU LY1NG TO M3
DAVE: im just the heir to a puppet porn empire
DAVE: aint nothing special here
TEREZI: TH4T SOUNDS PR3TTY SP3CI4L TO ME
DAVE: i dunno if were calling it special
DAVE: i mean sure it takes a special kinda person to want to make puppet snuff films
DAVE: starring his eight year old kid brother
DAVE: but whatever
DAVE: youve been dicking around in here for ages
DAVE: whatre you watching
TEREZI: PUPP3T SNUFF F1LMS
TEREZI: H3H3H3H3H3H3
It gets even funnier when Dave slams the lid of your husktop closed and throws himself down onto the floor in defeat. You bite your lip, carefully, to stop yourself from collapsing into a fit of giggles at the sight. Scent. Vision. Whatever. The idea. The idea of him sulking is what's hilarious and you're trying not to actually tip this over into him being genuinely upset with you, because he is such a drag when he does that. So instead of making it a point to antagonise him further, you slide your husktop off your stomach and turn onto your side to face him.
In return, he tips his head to the side and cocks an eyebrow and you know he's wondering why you stopped laughing as suddenly as you'd started. You don't know how you're managing to keep a convincingly straight face because that was hilarious, and he walked straight into it, but you are and he just lowers the eyebrow back to where it should be, half obscured behind his incredibly unnecessary shades.
He doesn't stop you when you reach out a hand and slowly, carefully, slide the glasses down the bridge of his nose. You didn't expect him to put up with that but he is putting up with it, so when they're perched right on the tip of his nub, you slip them off his face altogether. He's watching as you fold the arms and put the glasses down beside him, probably to make sure you don't get smudges all over the lenses. You think he's watching, anyway, because he hasn't said anything throughout the whole ordeal, and you're a little concerned that he's gone into some kind of shock.
You don't think you need to point out that it's always dark in his respiteblock to start with. On top of that you're inside a blanket fort and the only source of light - your husktop - is closed and on the floor behind you now. No one else is in the fort and you think that's probably the thing that convinced him to just run with it, because as far as you know, there's still people on this chunk of space rock that don't know he's got defective human eyes. You ask him.
DAVE: rose knows yeah
DAVE: but shes known for a while
DAVE: hers are kinda defective too i guess
DAVE: i mean she can leave the house and not give a fuck
DAVE: lolar was all light and she was pretty chill there
DAVE: i mean the fucking planet was called the land of light and rain
DAVE: it wasnt about to look like a dungeon or some shit
DAVE: i cant even open my eyes in here for a good half hour in the mornings
TEREZI: Y34H BUT WH3N YOU DO YOU C4N S33
DAVE: yeah i can mostly do that
DAVE: better than you can
TEREZI: YOU 4R3 4N 4SSHOL3
DAVE: oh snap
DAVE: sick burns
DAVE: call the fuckin medics
DAVE: might as well call rose in while youre at it
DAVE: i dont think ill be able to get through this without her twisted psychology bullshit routine
DAVE: rez
Apparently, he's not the smartest human you'll ever meet. Rose told you that a few perigees ago and you'd laughed her off because from where you're standing Dave is definitely more well versed in human traditions than you are, so he wins points there. You're pretty sure she was talking herself up more than putting him down but you don't really care about that. You're not convinced, anyway. Sometimes he says things that go over your head entirely and you know they're not just human things you don't understand. You'd asked Kanaya for a second opinion and she said he was, from her observations, smarter than he wanted everyone to realise.
You think you believe her. Rose has known him longer but she's as much of a liar as he is and Kanaya wouldn't lie to you about that, so you took her words at face value and ran with them.
You snap your head back in surprise when he prods your nub.
TEREZI: WH4T 4R3 YOU DO1NG?
DAVE: you kinda zoned out there
DAVE: you didnt even smell it coming did you
TEREZI: G3T YOUR F1NG3R OFF MY SN1FFNOD3
DAVE: or
TEREZI: OR 3LS3
DAVE: yeah shitting myself over here
DAVE: so scared
DAVE: more scared than a kid whos gotta take home a shitty report card
DAVE: aint much scarier than that
DAVE: i guess thats scary if youve got competent parents
DAVE: let me try that again that was terrible
DAVE: im more scared than your mom before christmas
DAVE: yeah im not really feeling this right now
DAVE: im gonna need a raincheck on this failed metaphor
TEREZI: J3GUS FUCK, D4V3, YOU T4LK TOO MUCH
TEREZI: 4ND YOUR F1NG3R 1S ST1LL ON MY NUB
DAVE: nose
TEREZI: YOU KNOW 4ND YOU 4R3 ST1LL DO1NG 1T?
DAVE: no its called a nose
TEREZI: KNOWS WH4T?
DAVE: fuck
DAVE: n-o-s-e
DAVE: the thing in the middle of your face is called a nose
TEREZI: TH4T 1S 4 STUP1D N4M3 FOR 1T
DAVE: how is nose worse than whiffnode
TEREZI: SN1FFNOD3
DAVE: fuckin alien words
TEREZI: YOU 4R3 TH3 ON3 US1NG AL13N WORDS
DAVE: huh i guess i am
DAVE: sorry
TEREZI: YOU 4R3 NOT SORRY 4T 4LL 4R3 YOU?
DAVE: nope
He's finally withdrawn his finger from the tip of your sniffnode and you have to admit that you thought he'd put up more of a fight since he never makes things easy. You'll have to think of a way to get him back for that, with something equally benign that will drive him up the wall anyway because of the sheer idiocy of it all. Maybe you'll hide his cape the next time he takes it off. That'll piss him off.
In spite of that, even though it is definitely a good idea that you plan to carry though, you find yourself just repeating his earlier action and poking his sniffnode with your own finger.
DAVE: shit youll catch cooties like that
TEREZI: WH4T?
DAVE: youre supposed to scream like a girl and stop touching me
DAVE: like my nose was hot like a stovetop
DAVE: like it was so hot that someone dropped it
TEREZI: 1 TH1NK 1 4M G1V1NG UP ON TH3 1D34 TH4T 1 4M 3V3R GO1NG TO UND3RST4ND TH1S SH1T YOU PULL
DAVE: no way cooties are like definitely a thing that are real
DAVE: ask rose
DAVE: go on ask her now
DAVE: like open your husktop and be all
DAVE: hey lalonde do human teenage boys have cooties
DAVE: and shell be all
DAVE: fuck yeah they do i dont want to touch teenage human boys ever
DAVE: go on
TEREZI: YOU KNOW YOU S3T YOURS3LF UP FOR SO MUCH BULLSH1T R1GHT?
DAVE: ive been informed of something like that yeah
DAVE: hey so out of curiosity
TEREZI: TH1S W1LL B3 GOOD
DAVE: no shut up
DAVE: out of curiosity
DAVE: why are we even in a fort right now
TEREZI: 1 GOT BOR3D
TEREZI: 4ND YOU L1K3 FORTS
DAVE: hells yeah i like forts but why do we need a fort in my room
TEREZI: BLOCK
DAVE: block
DAVE: i mean ive got a door that locks and shit
DAVE: whats the point of it
TEREZI: 4R3 YOU GO1NG SP4C3 CR4ZY? 1F YOU 4R3 GO1NG SP4C3 CR4ZY ON M3 1 4M GO1NG TO LOCK YOU 1N 4N 3MPTY BLOCK UNT1L YOU STOP B31NG SP4C3 CR4ZY
DAVE: im not space crazy if anyones space crazy its you
TEREZI: H3Y >:[
DAVE: i thought we decided before i even got here that youre apeshit bananas
TEREZI: 1LL 4LLOW 1T
TEREZI: 1F YOU ST4T3 YOUR C4S3 SOON
DAVE: this is a sweet ass fort and youve got some mad construction skills but this isnt pissing anyone off
DAVE: and yeah i know were banned from being around rose or kanaya for another sixteen days
DAVE: but she made the terms and said when were together
DAVE: so
DAVE: tonight were gonna go and rebuild this thing in the common room
DAVE: hows that for a bitchin idea
TEREZI: YOUR3 NOT PULL1NG TH1S FORT DOWN TO FUND YOUR CONSTRUCT1ON
TEREZI: 1T TOOK M3 THR33 D4YS TO BU1LD
DAVE: okay fine ill get more blankets and shit
DAVE: can towns basically already ours and the mayorll be on our side no sweat
DAVE: surprise raid the common room tonight and its ours
DAVE: and expand the empire from there
TEREZI: 1 D1DNT TH1NK TH4T HUM4NS W3R3 SUCH B1G F4NS OF 1MP3R14L1SM
DAVE: nah they were all about it back in the day
DAVE: conquering new land was a big thing for like five hundred years or something
DAVE: basically we invented ships so we could go and take over more land
DAVE: something like that anyway
TEREZI: 1S TH1S 4NOTH3R HUM4N D4T3?
DAVE: shit
DAVE: i guess
DAVE: yeah sure it can be a human date if you want
TEREZI: TRY 4G41N
DAVE: you what now
TEREZI: TRY 4G41N
DAVE: okay give me a sec here
TEREZI: YOU 4R3 M4K1NG 1T WORS3
DAVE: hey rez you wanna go on another human date with me
You grin your best grin and hand him back his coolkid shades, because come raid o'clock, he's gonna need them. You tell him that and the scent of his eyes fades as the glasses cover them again. He smirks back, not that you're sure that was even a smirk, but it was definitely something close. You're gonna go with smirk, you like it when he smirks.
It means shit's about to go down.
You both kick around in the fort until well into the sleep cycle. Together, you go through more videos on GrubTube and his Earth YouTube and he shows you a lot of hilarious purrbeast videos, which the humans were probably obsessed with considering how many of them seem to exist. Somewhere between the videos and Dave getting poptart crumbs all over the cushiony floor, you try to get him to make out with you but he doesn't really run with that idea and goes for another pastry instead which only a little bit insulting. Like yeah, you were kind of trying to get him to make out with you because you thought it'd be fun but you can see the appeal of poptarts as well because they are delicious for something that is largely a grain crust.
He tells you that it's three o'clock in the morning when you sneak out of his block together. Yeah, he insists, it's exactly three on the nose so lets get cracking, then he stops to explain what he means and you both head towards Can Town to see if they Mayor's still awake, because you're going to let Can Town be a self-governing region of your Empire.
The Mayor is not awake, you discover, he's tucked himself into a pile in the corner of the room and you're sure you can smell even Dave's blood pusher melting at the sight. He denies your accusation and you both head off to clone the pillows and blankets that you're carrying.
You're in charge of running the new clones back to the common room, while he declares himself foreman of the construction site. It takes forever to create enough sheets for an empire this large but its a task that must be done if you want to be in charge of everything.
DAVE: oh hells yeah
DAVE: i think thats done
DAVE: you think weve done enough
DAVE: like we could expand out into the hall i guess
DAVE: but then we couldnt exactly ambush people
DAVE: so i dunno
DAVE: what do you think
TEREZI: WH3R3 4R3 YOU?
DAVE: right here
DAVE: what are you blind or something
TEREZI: NOW YOU 4R3 M4K1NG FUN OF 4 BL1ND G1RL FOR B31NG BL1ND?
TEREZI: WH4T 4N 4SSHOL3
DAVE: so now its a touchy subject or something
TEREZI: OF COURS3 1T 1S 4 TOUCHY SUBJ3CT
TEREZI: 1T 1S NOT 3X4CTLY 4 S331NG SUBJ3CT!
DAVE: now whos being the asshole
DAVE: oh for
DAVE: im right here rez
With the brightly coloured blankets draped all around the room, it's a little more challenging to sniff him out. You take a deep breath and tilt your head slightly, and there he is, a little further away than you thought. You duck under a hanging sheet and step over the coffee table and drop yourself onto the couch beside him.
DAVE: what took you so long
TEREZI: 1 W4S R31NFORC1NG TH3 B4RR1C4D3 OV3R BY TH3 DOORW4Y
TEREZI: C4N TOWN H4S PROV1D3D US W1TH 4RMY B4CKUP
DAVE: did you give the mayor his orders
TEREZI: H3 1S PR3P4R3D TO 4TT4CK 4NYON3 3XC3PT K4N4Y4
DAVE: booyah
DAVE: and now we wait
You have waited for what feels like perigees but has actually been no more than two hours, Dave informs you. You are prepared to whine at him for the next three Earth hours because you're pretty sure that hours are the longest measurement of time that the humans could have come up with. Or maybe he's slowing things down with his God-powers so he gets to spend more time with you. You are of the opinion that that is the most romantic thing anyone's ever done for you, even if you don't know for sure that he's even manipulating time right now.
Still, it's nice to think about.
A punch to the shoulder brings you back down to Alternia though and you follow as Dave dives off the couch, down to the floor, and you both wedge yourselves under the coffee table and prepare to strike, cans at the ready.
TEREZI: (wh4t w4s th4t for???)
DAVE: (because i couldnt exactly wave my arms in your face and expect you to see could i)
DAVE: (its not like you could lick them or anything)
TEREZI: (1 could h4v3 1f you told m3 th3y w3r3 th3r3)
DAVE: (thatd defeat the purpose)
DAVE: (shut up someones coming)
TEREZI: (who 1s 1t?)
DAVE: (your mom)
TEREZI: (wh4t?)
DAVE: (ill explain later just roll the can when i say)
You almost miss the sharp elbow digging into your upper arm because you're so focused on not missing the sharp elbow you were expecting to your upper arm. Your can rolls across the floor only a few seconds after Dave's and you feel a slight breeze on your face as he pulls down the front door to your fort.
TEREZI: (wh4t now?)
DAVE: (shut up and wait)
TEREZI: (who w4s th4t?)
DAVE: (i dunno you tell me you can smell them right)
TEREZI: (d4v3 w3 us3d bl4nk3ts 1n 4ll th3 colors 1 c4n h4rdly sm3ll your 3y3s 4nd 1 4m r1ght h3r3)
DAVE: (take a guess then)
DAVE: (i need to know what were working with here)
TEREZI: (1ts 4 troll)
TEREZI: (1 th1nk 1ts k4rk4t!)
DAVE: (shut up!)
KANAYA: Why Are You Two Whispering
DAVE: so you dont hear us talking serious plans maryam why do you think
KANAYA: Then Why Are You Speaking Directly To Me Now
KANAYA: You Are Aware That You Are Both Still Banned From Speaking To Myself And Rose Dont You
KANAYA: That Ban Is In Place For Another Week I Think
TEREZI: BUT W3R3 NOT BOTH H3R3
KANAYA: Of Course Not
DAVE: dont even think about it lady
KANAYA: About What
DAVE: taking another step
DAVE: seriously why do you think we just tripped you up with cans
KANAYA: I Didnt Trip
DAVE: seriously why do you think we just tried to trip you up with cans
KANAYA: You Both Have The Maturity Of Someone Barely Past Three Sweeps
TEREZI: H3Y!
DAVE: basically youre trying to enter land that is occupied
DAVE: so you can either turn around
DAVE: fuck off
DAVE: or
DAVE: you can state your business and try for temporary access
KANAYA: Occupied By Who
TEREZI: BY TH3 3MP1R3!
KANAYA: What Empire
DAVE: the empire of stop asking stupid questions
KANAYA: Thats Not A Very Catchy Name
KANAYA: You Might Want To Rethink That
KANAYA: I Was Simply After A Book I Left By The Armchair Last Wake Cycle
TEREZI: 1T 1S 3MP1R3 PROP3RTY NOW!
KANAYA: Is That So
TEREZI: PROB4BLY
KANAYA: I Thought Not
DAVE: dont even think about it
DAVE: seriously have you ever heard of an empire that just let people shit all over their borders
DAVE: and this border is more heavily fortified than the mexican border
DAVE: not really
DAVE: but you get the point
DAVE: you cant just walk over the mexican border without getting shot
DAVE: im pretty sure that is the most truthful thing ive ever said
DAVE: so just dont take another step forward
DAVE: unless you want a chest full of hot lead
TEREZI: YOU DONT H4V3 4 R1FL3K1ND SP3C1BUS
DAVE: are you trying to make this difficult
TEREZI: NO BUT 1T 1S TH3 TRUTH D4V3 4ND YOU WONT R34LLY SHOOT K4N4Y4
TEREZI: L1K3 Y34H YOU WOULD PROB4BLY SHOOT K4RK4T
TEREZI: BUT NOT K4N4Y4
DAVE: dont tell me who i wouldnt shoot
KANAYA: Perhaps You Would Both Like To Come Out From Your Fortress And Discuss This Further
DAVE: fine
He wriggles backwards and out from under the table and you follow, both popping up back on the couch so you can actually have some kind of conversation with Kanaya.
Instead of starting up a conversation, you shriek and immediately dive over the back of the couch to burrow fuck deep into the back alleys of blankets for protection.
Dave, the idiot, is trying to talk Kanaya into putting her chainsaw away. The sheets above your hiding place billow as he dives for cover as well, shouting something about granting temporary access to occupied territory before you sniff him crawling through the makeshift corridors to your safehold in the food preparation block.
DAVE: why do i always forget about the goddamn chainsaw
TEREZI: B3C4US3 YOU 4R3 HUM4N DUMB
DAVE: probably
DAVE: but she doesnt really seem like the kind of girl to carry a chainsaw in her purse you feel me
TEREZI: YOU W1LL UND3RST4ND ONC3 YOU G3T TO KNOW H3R B3TT3R
TEREZI: H3R CH41NS4W 1S L1K3 YOUR SH4D3S
DAVE: what awesome
TEREZI: NO
TEREZI: 1T 1S JUST TH3R3 4LL OF TH3 T1M3 FOR SOM3 R34SON
DAVE: do you think shes gone
TEREZI: 4R3 YOU SC4R3D OF H3R?
DAVE: no
TEREZI: L14R
DAVE: okay so i think that her chainsaw could beat my shitty broken sword but thats it
TEREZI: TH4T COUNTS 4S B31NG SC4R3D OF H3R
DAVE: okay whatever
DAVE: is she gone
KANAYA: Im Leaving Now Since I Have My Reading Material
KANAYA: Should I Spread The Message That This Is Now Occupied Territory
DAVE: thatd be great thanks
DAVE: tell the mayor we miss him
TEREZI: D4V3 M1SS3S H1M TH3 MOST
DAVE: shut up and be cool would you
TEREZI: OH MY GOG
DAVE: oh hey do you hear that
TEREZI: H34R WH4T?
DAVE: the sound of this conversation dying a painful death
DAVE: those are the conversation breaks on the shut the fuck up truck
TEREZI: 1S TH4T 3V3N 4 TH1NG?
DAVE: yes
DAVE: the shut the fuck up truck is a very real thing
DAVE: if you dont shut the fuck up when someone tells you to
DAVE: the truck comes speeding around the corner and guys in balaclavas get out
DAVE: and make you shut the fuck up
TEREZI: 1S TH3R3 4 TRUCK H3R3?
DAVE: do you know what a truck is
TEREZI: NO
TEREZI: 4ND WH4T 1S 4 B4L4CL4V4?
DAVE: oh my god forget it
DAVE: hey you want a soda
DAVE: ill get you a soda
DAVE: fuck theres no orange left
DAVE: god dammit karkat
TEREZI: HOW DO YOU KNOW 1T W4S K4RK4T?
DAVE: i dont
DAVE: i just need to blame someone
TEREZI: OH
TEREZI: TH4T 1S 4N UNFOUND3D 4CCUS4T1ON BUT 1 W1LL 4LLOW 1T
DAVE: looks like theres lemonade or that shit that is probably the bastard lovechild of pepsi and coke
TEREZI: OOH TH3 B4ST4RD LOVECH1LD
TEREZI: W4S TH4T R3D J3LLO?
DAVE: was what red jello
TEREZI: TH4T SM3LL
DAVE: i dunno
DAVE: holy shit
He drops himself onto the chair opposite you and a series of clatters follow. First the sound of a large bowl scraping over into the centre of the table, then spoons hitting the wooden surface. You guess that the small plonks are the soda cans and then the final thud is Dave's elbow connecting with the edge of the table; your theory is proven correct when he swears under his breath.
TEREZI: HOLY SH1T WH4T?
DAVE: oh nothing im just pretty sure were on a human date right now
TEREZI: OF COURS3 W3 4R3
TEREZI: 1 C4N SM3LL TH3 R3D J3LLO
DAVE: hell yeah you can take a spoon
DAVE: as king or whatever of this empire i declare the next thirty six minutes to be set aside for a human date between myself and the snarky bitch who keeps following me around my empire
TEREZI: 1 4M PR3TTY SUR3 1TS OUR 3MP1R3
DAVE: case in point
DAVE: i never decreed that
DAVE: and i dont share leadership of my fort empires with anyone
DAVE: its a matter of personal pride yknow
TEREZI: YOU 4R3 TH3 BIGG3ST LOS3R 1 H4V3 3V3R M3T
TEREZI: 3V3R
TEREZI: 4ND 1V3 M3T K4RK4TS D4NC3STOR
DAVE: ahahahah yeah that guy is such a douche
Dave's right about that, you've met some colossal douchebags lately but poor Karkat's got the worst dancestor out of everyone. You're lucky that yours is so rad! That was a stroke of pure luck. You're looking forward to meeting her again, and you hope that you can introduce her to Dave because they're both pretty cool and he talks about his four wheel device a lot but you still haven't seen him ride one. He says he's got some awesome tricks but he always adds that it's been months so he'll probably fall off or something.
Okay, so maybe human dating is pretty boring when you try to compare it to anything back home. Their planet didn't have daywalkers, and the kids don't have giant monster lususes to fight with but you're getting used to that. If human dating is all about taking over public space for your forts, or sharing a giant bowl of red jello that was supposed to feed your entire group of friends after the next group meal, you think you're okay with that.
Your spoon scrapes against Dave's as you fight over the last mouthful of jello in the bowl and eventually he wins out, but only because he darts forward and snatches the container out of reach. Your instinct is to snarl, to fight for what was yours, but instead you laugh because he's somehow ended up sitting on the counter with the bowl clutched to his chest, looking so ridiculous in his cape and shades, that you don't know what else to do.
Maybe the idea of human dating is growing on you, after all.