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I won't be joining Haku. Where he's gone I cannot follow.
His own words echoed through his mind as he turned towards where he knew Haku to be, desperately wishing the words were wrong. At least Gatō’s goons had the decency to step aside as he dragged himself in Haku’s direction.
The pain in his back and arms had stopped, replaced by a sluggish, vague sort of ache. It wasn’t so bad. Dying wasn’t so bad, at least it wouldn’t be if he could just return to Haku’s side. At the moment there really was no pain, not even the thought of Haku hurt, his chest was nothing but an empty void. He tried to force his feet to take him in Haku’s direction, but his vision blurred and he fell to his knees. He stubbornly pushed himself up, resting back on his heels. Haku was still lying lifeless on the ground, head tilted slightly in Zabuza’s direction from Gatō’s ruthless and pitiful attacks.
Haku… So this is goodbye. At last. Not once did I ever thank you, Haku. Forgive me for that.
For a second he thought he could see Haku standing there, healthy and alive, in the light. He mumbled something that might have been Haku’s name before he fell.
He wasn’t sure what woke him. He wasn’t even aware that it had been a dream, at first. It had all seemed so real.
But… But so did this. His mornings always started this way. No matter how early he rouse, Haku would already be awake. He could smell meat roasting over the open fire, smell the fragrant herbs Haku would pick in the forest. And, if he concentrated, he could smell the faintly sweet scent of Haku’s body.
When he opened his eyes Haku was standing over him, smiling that little secret smile he seemed to save especially for Zabuza.
“Haku-” Zabuza breathed, feeling as all the air had been knocked from his body, his back aching when he tried to sit up. It was as if his dream had followed him into reality, like the swords were still stuck in his back, and he slumped awkwardly back down, eyes not leaving Haku’s face.
“Zabuza-san.” Haku knelt down to his side. “What’s wrong? What do you need me to do?”
Zabuza stared at him, stared at that open face and trustful eyes, stared until his eyes watered. In his dream he had denied his feelings until the very end. In his dream Haku had died ever knowing how he felt. He had asked that kid if he was surprised to find Zabuza human, but truth be told, no one was more surprised of that fact than Zabuza was. Even if it took a little death for him to realize.
Haku tilted his head, his expression slowly morphing to one of confusion.
“Zabuza-san, what’s wrong?”
Zabuza didn’t answer, raising his hand to Haku’s cheek, cupping it gently. Haku’s eyes widened, making Zabuza remember the first time they met, on the bridge. How Haku had claimed their eyes were the same. It had shocked Zabuza, hearing something like that from someone like Haku. Their eyes might have the same colour, but Zabuza’s were cold and hard, whereas Haku’s were soft and mild. Their eyes were nothing alike.
“You are too good, Haku.” Zabuza rasped, his thumb gently rubbing over the fullness of Haku’s bottom lip. “Far too good for me.”
Haku’s eyes were still widened in surprise, but something in Zabuza’s words had him melt a little against his touch.
“Zabuza…”
“I dreamt of you.” Zabuza interrupted him, closing his eyes tightly “I dreamt of both of us.”
Haku seemed to misinterpret his words, because Zabuza could feel the smile under his fingertips before he continued.
“I dreamt of us dying.”
He opened his eyes, catching the way Haku’s smile died on his lips.
“I wouldn’t let that happen.” Haku said firmly, placing a small, cool hand over Zabuza’s. “I wouldn’t let you die, Zabuza-san.”
“That’s what you did wrong, Haku.” Zabuza allowed his voice to soften in a way he hadn’t before. “You gave your life for me.”
“But that’s what I do.” Haku seemed confused. “I am your tool, Zabuza-san. Your life is more precious than mine. Your dreams more important.”
“But you are wrong, Haku.” Zabuza’s voice sank to a whisper. “That’s where you are so very wrong. And where I have been wrong as well.”
He slid his hand from Haku’s cheek to the back of his neck, feeling silky black hair against his palm, letting his other hand go around his waist. A ninja wasn’t supposed to have feelings. He’d lived by that, but now, with Haku breathing in front of him, he realized he had failed his own ideal. And that it really did not matter.
“I should have thanked you long ago for everything you’ve done for me. I should have told you long ago how much you mean to me.”
Haku stiffened for a second, and Zabuza got a sudden, sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. Maybe he had misunderstood Haku’s intentions and feelings after all. Maybe the dream was nothing more than just that; A dream. And maybe Haku’s previous commitment to him were nothing more than professional.
Then Haku melted into his touch once more, and Zabuza felt his face soften in a smile.
He pulled Haku closer, feeling Haku’s smaller form mold itself to his, their limbs falling to place like their bodies were already familiar, and he pressed his face to Haku’s neck, breathing in the warm softness of Haku’s skin.
He placed a hesitant kiss there, feeling Haku’s breath hitch against his lips. His skin tasted as sweet as it smelled, and Zabuza placed another few kisses along the length of Haku’s neck. He risked a glance up at Haku’s face when he withdrew a few inches, catching the flutter of Haku’s eyelashes against his pale skin. Then he sank back against Haku’s warm body, a body that was very much alive, his heartbeat strong under Zabuza’s caresses.
“I cannot lose you.” Zabuza murmured against Haku’s skin. “I cannot.”
“You won’t.” Haku breathed. “You won’t lose me, Zabuza.”
Zabuza tightened his hold on him, somehow frightened that if he let Haku go, then he’d be gone for good.
Maybe this could be the new start they’d always talked about, and not an ending like it had been in his dream. Maybe Zabuza could discard his pride, discard whatever dark feelings he harbored inside, and commit himself fully to Haku. Commit himself fully to the two of them. People might always be after them and they might always try to avoid someone’s snare, but if they were together, then even that would be bearable, because, as he’d come to realize, nothing else mattered.
Zabuza kept his arms around Haku, but pulled away enough to look at him, and for the first time he felt that maybe, just maybe, his eyes really did match Haku’s.
With his eyes never leaving Haku’s, he cupped Haku’s heart shaped face, resting his thumbs along the curve of his cheeks. Haku’s expression was one of tender disbelief, but something else, something Zabuza couldn’t quite decipher. Something he’d always thought he’d caught in passing before, but Haku’s face had always smoothed out again before he could think too much about it. Haku didn’t try to hide it this time, and Zabuza felt his heart pound against the confines of his chest.
Then he finally leaned forward, his lips finding Haku’s at last, and the world melted away around them.
Zabuza’s lips were slightly chapped, but Haku’s were soft, the taste of his lips and mouth as sweet as the scent of his skin, and Zabuza drank in all the sensations like wine, should Haku disappear again.
“You were so far away from me, Haku.” Zabuza murmured against Haku’s lips. “You were too far away for me to reach.”
“I’m always within your reach, Zabuza.” Haku’s voice was nothing but a broken whisper, almost like a whine as he pushed himself back against Zabuza’s lips and hands, slender arms folding across Zabuza’s broad shoulders. “Always.”
Zabuza allowed himself to relax, to melt into Haku’s embrace like Haku had melted into his, giving Haku all he had to give, allowing himself to discard his bitterness, replacing it instead with the desperate, aching devotion he felt for Haku and the tenderness of the kiss they shared.
“Promise me.” Zabuza felt himself crumble under Haku, felt himself finally, finally, allowing Haku in. “Please promise me.”
“I promise.”
Haku’s words were like an echo in his head when Zabuza gasped against the gritty ground, the soft smell of Haku replaced by the dank stench of concrete. He exhaled, watching the dirt blow around him, trying to focus on the twirls of dust as it moved into the air like the residue from a funeral pyre.
In the distance he could hear people cheering, and the few careful glances he was able to shoot around him confirmed his suspicions; Gatō’s goons were gone.
And so was Haku.
“Sounds like it’s over.” He whispered, and although he knew Kakashi was standing right next to him, he wasn’t sure if the words were intended for him. That they were intended for anyone.
“Yeah.”
“Kakashi-” Zabuza breathed. “I have a favor to ask.”
“What is it?” Kakashi asked, probably knowing the answer.
Zabuza glanced up at his face.
“Take me to him.” Zabuza’s eyes were glued to Kakashi’s face as he spoke, noting the sudden change in Kakashi’s eyes. “Before I go, I have to see him one last time.”
Kakashi put a hand to his forehead, and for a sickening second Zabuza thought he would deny him this final wish, but the feeling eased when Kakashi pulled his forehead protector down over his eye again.
“Sure.” He made it all sound so simple, his tone gentle.
But it wasn’t. It wasn’t simple and, although it did seem like Kakashi tried, he couldn’t be gentle when he pulled the swords out of Zabuza’s back. Each pull of the blades should probably hurt, but Zabuza was too far gone to feel it. He felt the sickening slide of them through flesh, heard the metallic clank of them hitting the concrete around them, but he did not feel it. He felt smaller in death, smaller than Haku, and he did not struggle as Kakashi lifted him up like a child. He felt no shame as Kakashi started carrying him towards Haku’s body, because he’d realized something, lying there on the ground. Pride wasn’t the same as honor.
Zabuza remembered his previous thoughts, the thoughts he’d had kissing Haku. This was the end for them, but at the same time, it was a beginning. Because at the moment he did all the things he should have done. He discarded his pride for Haku’s sake. He let go of their desperation, his own selfishness and Haku’s heartbreak over what Zabuza had him do. Allowing it all to fade away.
And like it was a cue, the sky above them turned white, snow falling around them. Zabuza stared up at the sky with eyes that had started to dull, lips slightly parted.
Is it you, Haku? Are you weeping?
Because, at that moment, Zabuza felt closer to Haku than he ever had before. He felt his presence all around him.
Kakashi laid him down carefully, and although Zabuza didn’t turn his head to confirm it, he knew he was right next to Haku.
“Thank you. Kakashi.”
Kakashi didn’t answer, just started walking away to give him the privacy to grieve.
The snow was falling, oh so slowly, and Zabuza stared at the sky for a second, not quite feeling brave enough to turn to Haku, not quite ready to see that beloved face slack and lifeless in death. They were surrounded by soft whiteness, like when they first met. Like it always had done in Haku’s village, though it really was strange for it to be snowing here, at this time of year. Maybe this was Haku’s final gift for him, and Zabuza felt strong enough to face him at last.
Haku looked peaceful in death. If not for the blood drying on his face and lips, it might look like he was just sleeping. It was ironic that they should meet and part on a bridge. Maybe there was a sort of symbolism in that which Zabuza didn't catch, but the irony wasn't lost on him.
“You were always at my side, the least I can do is to be beside you at the end.” Zabuza’s voice was breaking as he spoke, but it felt like the most important thing in the world, saying the words out loud for Haku to hear, even if he couldn’t hear them.
He studied Haku’s face. The curve of his lips, the long eyelashes resting on skin made paler in death. Soft, black hair framing his face. He narrowed his eyes, following the peaceful line of Haku’s closed eyes. Haku couldn’t be dead. He had never even conceived the possibility of Haku leaving him. The emptiness in his chest collapsed in on itself, and he almost felt like he was being dragged down along with it. He kept the choked sob from escaping his lips, but he couldn’t fight the tears.
Haku was really gone.
He forced himself to drag his wasted arm along the ground, groaning with effort.
“I know it cannot be, but I wish I could go to where you have gone.”
He bit down the pain as he reached Haku’s face, where the tips of his fingers brushed against Haku’s still warm skin. He wanted nothing else. Nothing but a soft afterlife where they could be together. A fragile hope that if death was a bridge, then they’d be able to cross it together.
“Oh, how I wish I could join you there. Haku.”
The snow was still falling around them. Quietly and peacefully, like the whole world held its breath, like it had decided to finally give them the peace they had craved in life. And as he studied Haku’s face, the clouds parted, allowing rays of light to hit Haku’s pale skin, illuminating both of them. The play of light on Haku’s skin almost made it seem like there was still life inside him, and a snowflake fell on Haku’s eyelashes as Zabuza felt himself slipping away, melting so it looked like Haku, too, was crying. The moisture ran down Haku’s cheek like tears to Zabuza’s hand, lifelessly cradling his face.
I’m always within your reach, Zabuza.
That’s what Haku had said, and Zabuza stared at Haku's face with eyes that had started to flutter shut, wondering if this time, finally, he’d be strong enough to reach him. Because, if this was the end, then it meant they had reached it together.