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John opened a door, and that was it.
You were stuck on a rock for three years, you watched your Bro die, you fought battles way harder than you ever had when you played video games Before, and it all came to an end with someone opening a goddamn door. You think it’s kind of bullshit, but you aren’t exactly complaining. You’re just glad to be chilling with your friends on the universe Harley created for you where it’s always seventy degrees outside and no one is coming to kill you.
Well, glad to be chilling with most of your friends. Egbert doesn’t spend too much time with you, too busy with his probably-girlfriend Roxy, your ectomom. Not that you’re complaining. Except you totally have been; complaining to Harley, Vantas, Lalonde, and anyone who’ll listen to you without bashing their head against a wall after a few seconds. You’ve also been using your time powers to fuck up their little dates, but that one you haven’t told anyone but Harley. She’d laughed so hard the first time you told her that milk shot out of her nose. It was awesome.
“The other night,” you say to Harley, leaning back in the cheap plastic lawn chair you’re sitting in a few steps away from the swimming pool Kanaya managed to alchemize with a little help from Lalonde and your bro. “When John and Roxy alchemized spaghetti, and he tried to give her a plate but accidentally spilled it all over her shirt? All me.”
Harley laughs.
It isn’t like what you’re doing is bad, per se, but it kind of is. On nights when Egbert and your ectomom have dates, they usually sneak away like they’re slick or something, and you follow after them. If everything goes right, you rewind time as far as you need to ruin one moment of the date that will hopefully ruin the whole date. It’s kind of difficult with people like them, because they’re both the “laugh it off” type. If something goes wrong, Egbert laughs, and your ectomom follows.
“And what are we laughing about?” You hear, snapping you out of your thoughts. Lalonde is leaning over you and Harley, wearing a purple bikini that Jade is practically salivating at. You’d bet Kanaya alchemized it for her. After end-game, you were surprised when your ectosis got together with Harley instead of Kanaya, but you aren’t complaining.
Harley shrugs with one shoulder, and you nod. She nods back. You and Harley understand each other pretty well. Nice one, you’re saying. Thanks, she’s replying. But Lalonde is still standing over the both of you, tapping her foot and also dripping water all over your leg. She must’ve just gotten out of the pool. “I suppose I’ll believe you for now, but don’t expect me to let this go.”
Lalonde walks off, and Harley lets out a breath. “I hate lying to Rosie,” she admits somewhat guiltily, chewing at her nails. No one but Harley can call Lalonde Rosie, and if anyone else aside from Kanaya and maybe Roxy dares to do it, they risk dismemberment. “It just feels so wrong. A relationship is built on trust. Bluh!”
You shrug noncommittally. “Don’t think of it as lying, just think of it as not telling Lalonde the truth right away.”
Harley glares. You shrug again.
She opens her mouth to say something, probably a witty remark, but she’s cut off by the clang of silverware against a glass. Lalonde cringes at the sound across from you. You know she hates that noise, but you don’t know why. It likely has something to do with her mom, but you don’t plan on asking any time soon.
The person clanging the glass is Egbert, standing on top of a table with Roxy at his side. It’s kind of worrying you. You really hope it’s strong enough to support the weight of two people. “Uh, hey guys!” Egbert shouts, like he’s talking to a group of people he just met and not people that he’s known for three years, some (like you) longer. You want to focus on what he’s saying, but you’re too busy focusing on the fact that all he’s wearing is a pair of blue swimtrunks. Goddammit. You hate that someone so scrawny and pale can lift a huge hammer with no issue. You also hate that someone so scrawny and pale looks that good in a swimsuit.
When you tune in again everyone’s laughing, Egbert is blushing, and Roxy is looking at him sympathetically. “Our big announcement is that we’re dating.”
Everyone gets eerily silent. You get up and walk away, and you’re ninety-nine percent sure that both Harley and Lalonde follow you. As you’re storming angrily into the huge mansion of a house that all of you live in together, you hear Terezi shout, “As if you were secretive about it!”
You kind of laugh, but you’re too busy being pissed to give much more than a half-assed, half-fake chuckle. You make it to your room and get ready to slam the door, but someone catches it with their hand. It’s Harley, no doubt. You don’t know anyone else who would paint their nails such a hideous shade of green. You leave your door open but flop onto your bed and fling your shades onto the table by your bedside. Harley hops next to you, Lalonde perches daintily on the other side, and Dirk sits criss-cross at your feet.
“Why do I feel like a teenage girl who just got their heart broken?” You groan out, covering your eyes with your arm. Harley pats your arm. “This is such bullshit. I should be fucking happy for them, not feel like them getting together is cheating me somehow.”
You uncover your eyes in time to see Harley shrug. “You kind of are being cheated? I mean, you did love John first.”
“Jade!” Dirk and Lalonde shout at the same time.
You roll onto your stomach. “Just leave me here to die.”
You can almost hear Rose’s eyeroll. “Dave, quit being so melodramatic. Are you even entirely certain that John and Roxy are going to stay together?”
You mumble a small “no.”
“Speak up.”
“No!” You all-but yell, rolling onto your back again. You see Lalonde and Dirk nod their heads in affirmation, and Harley pats your arm again.
“Then have faith that they won’t,” Dirk says. “Maybe they’ll break up and John will come running to you.”
“Can’t you just mess up their love or whatever?” You whine. “You’re the Prince of Heart, right?”
Dirk rolls his eyes. He really reminds you of Lalonde. You wonder if your Bro, the version of him that’s dead, was like her too. You wonder if her mom was more like you. “I can’t manipulate love, Dave. That’s not what being a heart player is about. And you need to stop trying to manipulate love with your time powers, or it’ll come back to bite you in the ass.”
You look over at Harley. She scratches her neck and shrugs sheepishly. “Sorry! I thought telling Rose would help her be more helpful to you, and then she told Dirk, and now they both know. And maybe Kanaya? I think Kanaya knew about it before.”
You tell them to get out of your room so you can write some new raps. Harley says she expects you out in no more than five hours. Lalonde says two. Dirk says one. You compromise and tell them you’ll be out in three hours. They all look at each other and nod, and you guess that means you’re allowed to be alone for three hours, so you shut your door and lock it behind them.
You only finish one rap. You call it “Blue Eyes” and when Dirk snatches the notepad from your hands at lightning speed (fucking flashstepping) you try to pretend it isn’t about John. “Where the fuck are Lalonde and Harley?” You ask.
“Hell if I know,” Dirk says, and when you look him dead in the eye through your shades, he utters a, “Shit.”
Because if Harley and Lalonde are alone, they’re either having sex in Lalonde’s room or making out in the poolhouse. You really hope for the latter, because you aren’t sure you want to see your best gal pal and ectosis doing the nasty. You try the poolhouse first and that’s thankfully where you find them, making out against a pile of inflatable pool tubes. “Well, look what we have here,” you say, and they jump apart.
“Hey Dave!” Harley cheers, wiping black lipstick from her lips. She has no shame. Lalonde has a little bit, straightening her orange top behind Harley and fixing her smudged lipstick. “Did you write a rap? Are you good now?”
“Totally,” not. “Where are the lovebirds?”
“Don’t you dare.” Harley warns.
“Don’t I dare what, Harley?”
“Ruin their date with your time powers!”
Dammit.
“Fine,” you huff.
“Fine!” Harley shouts.
You and Harley stop away from each other. You’re pretty sure Lalonde just stands there looking shocked, but you wouldn’t know, because you’re too busy storming angrily inside the house to search for Egbert and your ectomom. It doesn’t take you long, because they’re in her bedroom, but they aren’t having a date. She’s sitting at the head of the bed in nothing but one of his shirts, arms crossed over her chest, makeup ruined, and he’s sitting at the end, arms also crossed over his chest, looking absolutely pissed. You wonder what happened.
Because they’re still sitting in silence, you message Harley quick. Tell her that shit looks like it’s about to go down, and she should probably get to Roxy’s room to do some mediating. She’s there quicker than a normal human should be, and you know she used her space powers. “What happened?” She whispers, and you shrug, moving aside to let her see inside the room.
She steps back and says, “Yikes,” followed by, “I hope they say something soon.”
“I can’t believe,” Roxy finally speaks up, and you both lean forward. “I cannot fucking believe, that you said his name while we were having sex. I just! I can’t believe it, I thought you said you were over him! Obviously, that was bullshit!”
“Who the fuck is him?” You whisper.
“I don’t know!” Harley whisper-shouts. “Pay attention!”
“I never said I was over him,” Egbert defends, huffing and puffing like a kid who got his toy taken away by another kid on the playground. “I said I was trying - keyword: trying - to get over him.”
“Listen,” Roxy raises her voice more, and you and Harley both look around to see if anyone is coming. You don’t see anyone. “He’s been in love with you since he was fucking thirteen, I’ve heard him say it to Jade, and I’ve also heard him tell her he’s still in love with you. But I love you too, so I was trying to be fucking selfish for once, since I never am. But go ahead, go run into his fucking arms and leave me here alone, I don’t fucking care.”
Egbert scoffs. You and Harley both exchange looks. Are they talking about you? “You know, Jane has been in love with you since she’s thirteen. I know how much I look like her.”
“Oh, fuck you.”
“That’s the exact thing we couldn’t do.”
Roxy snorts.
“I guess we were kind of each other’s replacements, huh?”
Egbert nods.
“Well, let’s go get ‘em, I guess?”
“Let’s get dressed first.”
“Shit!” Harley shouts, taking off down the hallway. You turn to do the same, but you trip over a piece of stray carpet like the ass you are and fall against the wall. This gets your ectomom’s attention, and she asks, “What the fuck was that?”
Egbert probably shrugs, but you can’t see him, so you wouldn’t know. You scramble up and dust yourself off, try your best to make a run from it, but you hear the bedroom door creak open and you know you’re fucked. “Dave?” He asks, and you spin around to face him, shoving your hands in your pockets so you don’t start fidgeting.
“Oh, hey, Egbert. Just chilling out here, you know? I mean, hallways are fuckin’ sweet. Who doesn’t love chillin’ in a nice hallway? I sure as hell don’t know anyone who doesn’t. People who don’t are fuckin’ insane. Hallways are the best. I love hallways. Fuck man, hallways, aren’t they the coolest? God yes, I love hallways. I’d marry hallways if they were a person. Hallways, man-”
“Dave,” Egbert says calmly, stepping toward you. You step back and hit the wall. “You’re rambling and your Texan is showing.”
“Yeah? Well, lemme tell you, I did not even notice.” Yes you did.
“Yes you did, you horse’s ass,” he says, and you nod. “I’m going to kiss you. Don’t die, okay?”
Egbert has to stand on his tiptoes to kiss you, because the kid apparently missed his growth spurt and is forever stuck at five feet, zero inches. You, on the other hand, are six feet. And-oh, fuck, why are you rambling about height while John Egbert is fucking kissing you? He steps away with a sad look when you’re entirely unresponsive, so you hike him up by his thighs (he squeaks) and push your lips together. He smiles into the kiss. It’s cute. You hate how cute it is.
He pulls away first, says, “Hey, will you be my boyfriend?”
“Make an honest woman of me, Egbert.”
He rolls his eyes. “You’re an ass.”
“It’s one of my best qualities.”
He scoffs. You finally say yes instead of beating around the bush like a total asshole.
Later that night, Harley calls a “family meeting” where she addresses Egbert and Roxy’s breakup, and then she turns to you and asks if you have any news of your own. You glare at her, but she seems unphased. “I’m dating Egbert,” you say. Harley nods and turns to Roxy, asks her if she has anything that she’d like to share as well. Roxy glares too. Harley is still unmoved. “I’m dating Jane,” she says.
Harley bangs her hands against the table and yells, “Family meeting adjourned! Let’s go to my room, Rosie.”
“I’d love to.”
“We all know you’re going to have sex, so just say it!” Vantas shouts. You snort. Egbert laughs, and you’re pretty sure it’s the most beautiful sound you’ve ever heard.
(The asshole forces you to get up at twelve am and go swimming with him, and you kiss him beneath the stars. Harley pushes the back door open and shouts, “I made those stars for you ungrateful motherfuckers!” and he bites your tongue.
You don’t really mind.)