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It's the timing of it all, really, that makes Buck want to scream. Because it's been literally six years. And of all the times he could have had this particular realization, when it actually happens is this: right after he and Tommy have sex for the first time. And that makes sense, he guesses, but it's also just... so uncool of the universe, really.
Because he likes Tommy. And even more than that, he likes discovering this new side of himself. He likes being surprised by the ways it's different with Tommy and by the ways it's really not. He's enjoying the fact that he's still learning new things about himself at this stage in his life. He's just... enjoying himself.
And then he and Tommy have sex. And that night he has... a dream.
The dream itself makes sense, obviously. Buck likes sex a lot and he's just experienced it in this entirely new way and it was awesome, so of course his subconscious wants to explore that some more. That part is fine, it's normal. He's not surprised by that part.
What has him shooting upright in bed - at ugh, 5 am apparently - like he's just had a nightmare, is that Tommy isn't actually his partner in the dream.
The man in question is currently still lying next to him in bed and makes a sleepy, confused sound at Buck's movements, but thankfully doesn't wake. Buck looks down at him, hair mussed on the pillow and looking frankly adorable, and tries to remember how to breathe. He gets up as quietly as he can manage and pads softly down the stairs into the kitchen.
"Fuck," he says, aloud but softly, as his hands shake enough to spill some of the coffee grounds out onto the counter instead of into the filter as planned. "Fuck."
And honestly, he's not sure why he's so surprised. It's just like him to take something in his life that's so good, so easy, and immediately, well. Buck it up.
He leans against the counter and sips his coffee while he tries to get his thoughts together. He doesn't even try to tell himself that it was just a dream and it doesn't mean anything. Because it's not even about the dream itself, not really. It's about the fact that as soon as Buck had woken up, he'd suddenly known. With like, startling clarity.
Fuck.
It probably means he needs to break up with Tommy, but his stomach turns unpleasantly at the thought. He doesn't want to, is the thing, even though he knows how selfish that is. But also, breaking up with someone the morning after you have sex for the first time is such a dick move regardless of the context that he can't even imagine it. He's not that guy.
Unfortunately, he's not a 'processes big emotions internally' type of guy either. He really needs to talk this through with someone, and the first person who comes to mind is the exact person he can absolutely not talk about this with. The second person he thinks of, Maddie, isn't a much better choice either, honestly.
He should probably call his therapist, he realizes eventually. He just needs to hold it together until her office opens in... roughly 4 hours. Which, doesn't feel entirely probable at the moment.
So instead he finds himself pulling out his phone and opening the contact for the fourth person he thinks of, partially because he's pretty sure she'll actually be up at this hour. He starts with a text first though, just to double check.
You up?
Taylor's response comes after only a few minutes, and he can't help smiling a little as he reads it.
This better not be a booty call, Buckley.
With a glance back up at the loft, Buck toes into some sneakers by the door and then slips out, calling Taylor as he walks.
"Is everything okay?" Taylor asks, in lieu of a greeting, and it makes something in Buck's chest twinge to hear genuine worry in her voice.
"Yeah no, everything's fine, sorry," he says quickly, reassuring. "If uh. If now's a bad time, I can let you go."
"I'm just editing," Taylor says, and Buck can picture her easily, sat in her own kitchen with cup of black coffee and her laptop open on the table in front of her. Those cute reading glasses she sometimes wore perched on her nose.
He doesn't regret breaking up with her, not exactly. But he does... miss her sometimes.
"Would, um," Buck hesitates, oddly nervous for some reason, "would you be surprised if I told you I was- I was... bisexual?"
"No," Taylor says, and the immediacy of her response startles Buck a little.
"Oh," he says lamely, after a moment that stretches out a bit too long. "You don't uh. You're not?
Taylor hums a little on the other end of the phone.
"Why are you asking?" she questions back instead of answering.
"I've been seeing someone new," he tells her. Then adds, probably unnecessarily, "A guy."
When there's no response, he cringes a little and asks, "Is that weird to tell you? Should I not be talking to you about this?"
Taylor laughs a little, but not in a mean way, and some of the tension eases out of Buck's shoulders.
"It's fine," Taylor tells him. "We're friends, Buck. I'm glad you're still in my life."
And that's... maybe one of the sweeter things she's said to him. Definitely since the break up, at least.
"I'm glad too," he says, maybe a little more emotionally than he means to, and Taylor laughs again.
"So this guy, is it someone I know?" she asks.
Buck swallows.
"Uh, no," he says. "I mean, he's a firefighter and he used to be at the 118, but that was before I was even there, so. I don't think so."
Taylor hums again. He wonders if she's still editing, only half engaged in their conversation. That would probably be fair, he thinks.
"So not Eddie, then," she says, and Buck closes his eyes for a second. Because well. There it is.
"I um. It's not, but," Buck starts and then stops. He opens his eyes and blinks up at the fluorescent glow of the streetlight closest to him. It's probably another hour until sunrise still.
"Oh," Taylor says, and the shift in her voice makes Buck think he may actually have her full attention now.
"Am I an idiot?" he asks softly, and Taylor doesn't laugh this time. He wonders if she's remembering him at the hospital after... After.
"No," she says. Then she does laugh a bit, but it's more an amused huff than anything. "I mean, yes, obviously, just not for this specifically."
Buck smiles a bit at that.
"I don't know what to do with it," he says eventually. "I know he doesn't- it's not like that with us. And my, uh. Tommy is back at my place right now and I'm just. I feel stupid that I didn't- I really didn't ever think about it, and now I. Well. Now I just feel like shit, honestly."
"Wait, where are you?" she asks.
"Went for a walk," he tells her. "Not um. Not a conversation I wanted overheard, I guess."
"Okay," she says, and he imagines her sitting back in her chair a little, face serious. "How new is this Tommy thing?"
"Pretty new," he answers. "Couple of months."
"He in love with you?"
Buck visibly cringes at the thought and then feels heat flood his cheeks. He's really glad Taylor can't see his reaction.
"N-no, I mean. I don't think so," he says. Then, trying to lighten the mood, adds, "I think we both know I'm kind of an acquired taste."
The breath Taylor huffs out on the other end of the line isn't amused this time.
"You're not hard to love, Evan," she says firmly. And wow, okay. That's definitely the nicest thing she's ever said to him.
"Look," she continues, before he can sputter out a response, "I'm not going to tell you to talk to Eddie because I know you won't. But you should probably talk to your boyfriend. Or this 'guy you're seeing', whatever. If he's literally ever seen you with Eddie, he will not be surprised, I promise."
Buck crosses the arm not holding the phone to his chest defensively.
"He's friends with Eddie, Tay," he says, pointedly ignoring the last thing she said.
"Okay, so what do you want to do then?" she asks, sounding a little tired now. Buck imagines her taking off her glasses to rub her temple.
"Nothing," Buck answers honestly. "I want to keep seeing him and ignore- ignore the rest of it. Does that make me an asshole?"
Buck thinks about something Taylor had said to him during one of their fights and adds, lowly, "Does it make me needy?"
Taylor sighs and Buck knows she remembers too.
"I think you are who you are, Buck," she says, "and sometimes that's someone who holds on too hard. Not everything has to be all or nothing, you know. It's been two months. If you want to keep seeing this guy but you're not in love with him, maybe just tell him that? Tell him you want things to stay a little more casual for now and see what he says."
Which... is not an option that Buck had considered. He takes a deep breath and finds himself turning back towards the apartment.
"Yeah, that's- yeah," he says. "Thanks Taylor."
He swears he can hear her smile when she says, "I'm rooting for you, Buckley," before she ends the call.
Which makes three heartfelt things in a row, and that's- there's something about that fact alone that has Buck quietly slipping back into his apartment and then into his bed like he never left, even managing to fall back asleep for another few hours before the day truly rises to meet him.
The universe may be well and truly fucking with him, but he's not Buck 1.0 anymore and he's not alone. He can figure this out.
---
In the end, he and Tommy do actually break up about a month later. Buck feels okay about it, mostly. It's amicable and it doesn't feel strictly one-sided, even though Buck is the one who tentatively starts the conversation.
He doesn't mention Eddie at all, but something about the look in Tommy's eyes when he tells Buck he hopes he'll "find his person" makes Buck think he probably guesses. He seems sincere though. He even kisses Buck goodbye before he leaves.
The thing is, it's only minutes later that Buck gets a text from Eddie inviting him out for drinks, so either Eddie has a sixth sense for Buck's break ups or Tommy texted him immediately, which Buck definitely doesn't want to examine too hard. He thinks about begging off, but he doesn't. The truth is, he always wants to see Eddie.
And honestly, over the last few weeks as the 'newness' of the revelation has worn off, he's realized that loving Eddie doesn't hurt, really. At least, not in the way he worried it might. It doesn't even feel weird. It just is. It is like it's always been. So far, being aware of it hasn't really changed anything, for the most part.
When he meets Eddie at the bar, Eddie tries to ask him about the break up at first, but when it becomes clear Buck doesn't want to talk about it, he casually moves on to other topics. And it's a nice night, honestly. Buck finds himself relaxing in a way he hasn't been able to in awhile, and the tequila helps.
At least, until it doesn't.
Because when he and Eddie stumble back into Eddie's house after their shared Uber, Buck is well on his way to wasted. He barely even registers Eddie talking to his aunt before she leaves, and he startles when Eddie's warm weight is suddenly pulling him away from where he's been leaning precariously against the wall to instead lead him into the living room. He's so unsteady on his feet that when they make it to the couch, Buck nearly pulls Eddie down with him on accident.
"You good?" Eddie asks with a laugh as Buck watches the ceiling swim above them. Eddie's face is the only thing that isn't spinning, so Buck reaches out for it, cupping his cheek.
Eddie stops laughing and something shifts in his gaze. Buck realizes he's pulled Eddie in closer somehow, their faces only inches apart. His eye flick down to Eddie's lips...
And Eddie pulls away so abruptly Buck falls back against the couch in surprise.
Shit.
"Goodnight, Buck," Eddie says, and it would sound normal except that he's already half out of the room and he isn't looking at him.
Shit. Shit. Shit.
"Goodnight," Buck whispers back into the silence.
The room keeps spinning and he doesn't fall asleep for a long time.
---
In the morning, Eddie corners him when he slouches into the kitchen for a cup of coffee. Well, he doesn't corner him in the physical sense - he's already sat at the table while Buck stands at the counter - but instead of 'good morning,' he says, "I think we should talk before Chris gets up," in a tone that has Buck's heart plummeting into his stomach.
"Okay," Buck says, because what else can he say?
"I think we should talk about what happened last night," Eddie clarifies after a moment, when it becomes clear Buck isn't saying anything else. "Buck-"
"I'm sorry," Buck cuts in before Eddie can say it. And God, he can't even look at Eddie, he's so mortified. "I'm sorry, I- It's. I'm- I'm handling it. It won't happen again."
"You're handling it," Eddie repeats warily, and Buck feels his cheeks burning. His throat feels suddenly tight, so he just nods dumbly.
Eddie sighs.
"I'm just worried about you," he says, "and I think- I think maybe you should take some time. Some space."
Buck feels his eyes start to water and he quickly looks to the ceiling, blinking. This is already humiliating enough, he's not going to cry, damn it.
He nods again in response to Eddie.
"Yeah okay," he says after a moment, once he's sure he can keep the emotion out of his voice.
The few times his anxiety had gotten the best of him and he'd imagined a conversation like this, he'd obviously never imagined it going well. But part of him actually thought it would still be... okay. That Eddie would understand, at least.
"What are you going to say to Chris?" he asks, eventually.
"What?" Eddie responds, a little sharply.
"I was supposed to take him to the zoo today," Buck reminds him.
"Yeah?" Eddie says, like he still doesn't understand what Buck's asking. Then: "Jesus Christ, Buck."
His tone changes so drastically, that Buck's eyes snap back to him finally, and when they do he sees Eddie standing from the kitchen table and moving toward him. He looks pissed.
"How many times- how many ways do I-" he bites out, standing in front of Buck now. "I am not taking Christopher away from you, Buck. Not now, not ever."
The emotions Buck has been trying to push down since he woke up, spill over all at once, and a sob rips it's way out of his throat before he can process that he's crying. Eddie's arms are around him immediately.
"Jesus," he repeats again, softer, into Buck's hair. And it shouldn't be surprising really, because he does know. He does. Eddie has made it clear, again and again.
But there's always going to be a part of him that doesn't trust that it's really unconditional. Not when he's fucked up so monumentally this time.
He's still crying when another set of footsteps join them in the kitchen and he immediately tries harder to calm down, hiding his face in Eddie's shoulder.
"Did Buck have a bad dream?" he hears Christopher ask.
"Yeah, he did," Eddie answers, pulling back slightly to face Christopher as Buck pulls himself together. "But he's okay now."
He says the last part firmly, like he's somehow trying to convince Buck as well as Chris. Chris comes over then, taking Eddie's place and hugging Buck around his waist. Buck sniffles against the last of his tears and ruffles Christopher's hair.
"Yeah, I'm okay now, buddy," he says. "I'm okay."
Their conversation is over then, because it has to be, with Chris there. Eddie heads to take a shower while Buck and Christopher make pancakes together, like it's any other morning. And when they finish breakfast, Buck takes Chris the zoo just like they planned. It would feel entirely normal, except for the turmoil Buck's still feeling.
Still. He can't not have fun with Chris. They see the new baby gorilla that's just been born and trade facts about chimpanzees from a book Chris has been reading. It's a good day.
It's a good day all the way up until they get home, and Eddie doesn't ask him to stay.
---
It becomes their new normal for awhile. It's not like Eddie doesn't talk to Buck - they work together - but they don't hang out anymore. Buck still hangs out with Christopher, but always just the two of them. And now more often than not, it's Chris asking him directly if Buck can come over to hang out when Eddie has an alternate shift or other plans, rather than Eddie himself.
Buck still cooks for them the same amount as always, he can't help it. But now he just drops the food off and makes excuses to Chris for why he can't stay. Buck almost thought Eddie was going to refuse him outright, the first few times, but he's stopped trying now. He seems resigned to Buck, well. Being Buck about it.
Buck tries not to feel disappointed each time he finds himself on Eddie's doorstep but isn't invited inside. He knows it's his fault. He's the one who made things weird between them. So he tries really hard to prove to Eddie that he can be normal about it when they're at work, when he sees him in the small moments of pick up or drop off, and just hopes that eventually Eddie will let him back in.
It comes to a head one night as he's wrapping up an evening with with Chris that mostly involved math homework but did also include some well-earned video games. He's not 'tucking him in' because Chris is too old for that now, but Buck does pop into his room once he's in bed to say goodnight. He's about to slip out when Chris's voice stops him.
"Why are you mad at dad?" he asks, and Buck freezes in the doorway. He turns back around and walks into the room again, sitting on the edge of Chris's bed.
"I'm not mad at your dad," he says. Chris rolls his eyes.
"Then why is dad mad at you?" he asks, and Buck swallows, caught out.
"I- I did something I shouldn't have," he says eventually. "I made him uncomfortable."
Christopher's eyebrows scrunch together in confusion. It's kind of adorable.
"I crossed one of his boundaries," Buck clarifies, because he knows that's a word Chris understands. They've talked a lot about boundaries and how it's okay to set them, especially around how you want other people to touch you. The amount of people who apparently think it's okay to touch a complete stranger, and a child at that, just because he's visibly disabled is honestly still staggering to Buck sometimes.
"And I knew better," he adds after a moment, because he wants to make sure Chris understands it's his fault, not Eddie's. The confusion on Chris's face doesn't clear though.
"Dad doesn't have any boundaries for us," he says, with all the confidence of a thirteen year old who knows everything.
"He does with me. And that's okay. It's good, actually. Important," Buck reminds him. Reminds himself, honestly.
Christopher sighs like he's not convinced.
"I just want things to be normal again," Chris says. Buck reaches out and pats one of his legs over the comforter.
"I know, buddy, me too," he says honestly. "I'm working on making it up to him, I promise."
He sits there for another few moments, even as the silence stretches again, waiting to see if Chris wants to talk more. He seems to be satisfied for now though, so eventually Buck gets up and says goodnight again, slipping out of the room and clicking the door closed gently behind him.
He's planning to head back out to the living room to wait until he hears Eddie pull up outside, but a sound in the kitchen stops him. Apparently Eddie is home early.
"Hey," Buck says, leaning against the door jam without actually coming into the kitchen. Eddie has the fridge door open and is halfway hidden behind it. "He's in bed, and uh. Math homework got done."
He's about to turn around and head out when Eddie closes the fridge door and Buck can see he's holding a couple of beers.
"Wanna stay for a bit?" Eddie asks, and Buck's heart skips.
But the thing is, honestly, when Buck actually looks at him, Eddie looks angry. His voice is even, normal, but his eyes are practically burning. And suddenly the idea of staying, with Eddie in whatever mood this is, does not actually feel like a good idea at all.
"Sure," Buck hears himself say anyway, watching as Eddie opens each bottle, before taking the one that's offered to him. Eddie doesn't move towards the living room so Buck doesn't either, and they end up just sort of standing together in the kitchen. Again.
"So uh. Were you out with Marisol?" Buck asks. He knows it isn't a safe subject, really, but it's all he can think to say in the moment. Eddie takes a swig of his beer.
"We broke up," he says unexpectedly. "Awhile ago, actually."
Buck wonders how long ago 'awhile' is and tries not to feel hurt that he didn't know.
"I'm sorry," he says, because he is. He wants Eddie to be happy and he knows how hard he's been trying to find the right partner. Marisol had been the first woman he really seemed excited about in a long time. Buck hadn't gotten a chance to get to know her very well, but it had sounded like she and Eddie had a lot in common.
Eddie makes a gesture that Buck isn't entirely sure how to interpret. Maybe something meant to convey whatever or it's fine.
"Can I ask you something?" Eddie asks suddenly and Buck bites back the quip he would have made when things were still normal with them.
"Sure," he says instead, and he swears he can literally see the anger in Eddie bubbling up to the surface.
"Why the hell are you still-" Eddie starts and then stops. He takes a breath like he's trying to calm himself.
"I don't get it, Buck," he tries again, and it's marginally softer the second time, but that's worse somehow. "You do so much for us. For Christopher. For me, and I can't even- I don't. I don't give you anything back."
Buck shakes his head slightly, confused. It's not what he's expecting Eddie to say, and it doesn't make any sense.
"I love Christopher," Buck says, "and you're my best friend. We're-" family he wants to say, but he doesn't because he's not sure if Eddie wants to hear that from him right now.
"We're friends," he repeats instead, because he hopes that's still true, at least.
It's Eddie's turn to shake his head and Buck notices with growing horror that his eyes look a little wet. He doesn't look angry anymore; he looks deflated.
"I wasn't trying to punish you, Buck," he says, and the words come out rough. "I was trying to give you space. I was trying to not be so fucking selfish all the time."
Buck's not sure he's ever been more confused in his life, but a spark of hope alights in his chest. I wasn't trying to punish you.
"I don't need space," Buck says, earnestly, and Eddie laughs. It's not a happy sound.
"Yeah," Eddie says, but it's not agreement, it's something else. Resignation, maybe.
"I'm sorry," Eddie says eventually, and Buck's eyes snap back to him in surprise. "I'm really sorry, Buck."
"No, I'm- I'm sorry," Buck replies quickly, feeling lost. He feels a little like he's a kid again; doing something reckless and stupid only to be rewarded with ice cream instead of the lecture he deserved.
"It won't happen again, Eddie, I mean it," he promises, and he doesn't understand the complex emotions he sees play out across Eddie's face in response.
It looks like he wants to say something else, so Buck waits him out, but all he gets eventually is: "okay."
"Okay?" Buck repeats cautiously. "Does that mean... we're okay?"
The emotion - whatever it was - on Eddie's face clears, and he manages a half smile.
"Yeah, Buck, we're okay," he says, and Buck feels lighter than he has in weeks.
---
Things go back to normal after that, and Buck is so relieved and happy that he feels like he's got a permanent grin on his face. He and Eddie hang out like they used to, and Eddie even tells him about all the disastrous dates that his aunt continues to set up for him. He must notice that Buck doesn't have any similar stories on his end to share, but he doesn't ask, so Buck never has to come up with an excuse for why he's not really trying to date these days.
And sure, every once and awhile something will happen - Eddie will smile at Christopher or he'll take charge on a call or his shirt will ride up just slightly as he stretches - and something will start to unfurl in Buck's chest. But it's fine, mostly. Because he has his best friend again, and that's what matters.
And so it goes, day after day.
Everything is normal. Everything is fine.
---
It doesn't come up between them again until nearly six months later. He and Eddie have plans for a movie night at Buck's while Christopher is at a sleepover. But Eddie shows up to Buck's apartment looking a little worse for the wear, and beelines to grab a beer out of his fridge before Buck can even offer.
"Sorry," Eddie says, after taking a long pull and then dropping down into one of the stools against the kitchen island. "I just had a session with Frank and I'm- still trying to get my head back on straight."
He says it like it's a normal thing to say, but Buck is pretty sure he had no idea Eddie was seeing his therapist again. At least, he doesn't think he would have forgotten something like that.
"You're seeing Frank again?" he asks, the words out before he can even fully decide if he should pretend he already knew that. "Is um. I mean- You okay?"
Eddie glances at him and then back down at the beer in his hands.
"I uh. I actually started back up when we- when things with us were a little off awhile back," he says. "I needed to work some stuff out."
It hurts more than Buck's expecting, honestly, to hear he fucked up so badly that Eddie needed therapy. And for going on six months, apparently. But he swallows the feeling down and tries for a smile.
"Wow, that's um. That's great. That- that it helped, I mean," Buck says. "I know it was- well. Yeah. I'm just glad you were able to forgive me, you know? That we're friends again."
Eddie looks up sharply at that, and he looks angry again. Shit.
"I didn't go to Frank because I was- upset with you, Buck," he says. "It was about me. My shit. My- I felt like I was taking advantage."
"Taking advantage?" Buck repeats, confused. "Of what?"
Eddie blows out a frustrated breath.
"Of you! Of your- of how you felt about me," he says, looking away from Buck again.
And that's- hm.
"Feel," Buck corrects softly, and Eddies eyes snap back, wide.
Part of Buck wonders if he should leave it, but Eddie is finally talking to him, really talking to him, and a bigger part of him thinks maybe if he'd just talked to Eddie about everything in the first place, actually explained it all to him, then things wouldn't have ever gotten so screwed up.
"Look, we never really talked about it," he says aloud. "But maybe we should, you know? 'Cause like, yeah, okay- I'm in love with you. But it's not- it's not some like... It's not actually a big deal."
Buck doesn't think he's ever seen the look on Eddie's face that he's wearing right now.
"You're... in love with me," Eddie repeats incredulously, "and it's not a big deal."
"Exactly!" Buck agrees quickly. "It's like- okay. When I realized I was bi, it was a big deal at first because it felt so new, right? But it wasn't actually. New. You know? It was always there and I just had to, like, recalibrate."
Buck feels better the more he talks. They definitely should have talked about this before. He can make Eddie understand, he knows he can.
"And this is like that too," he continues. "Like, it threw me for a second when I realized, initially. But it wasn't actually new. It's always been there. Well, I mean, not. Not always, obviously. But you know what I mean. It's been there for a long time. And things have been good with us. So it's not, you know. It doesn't matter really. It doesn't change anything."
Eddie just stares at him, and the anxiety starts to thrum in Buck's veins again. Did he not explain it right?
"What are you- God. What are you talking about?" Eddie eventually questions. He looks confused mostly, but there's still some of the anger too, which- Shit.
"Okay, maybe I'm not explaining this right," Buck says, wracking his brain for a different angle to come back with. He thinks about his own confusion and fear that first early morning all those months ago, out on the street in his sleep clothes, Taylor's voice in his ear.
"When I talked to Taylor about it, she told me relationships don't always have to be 'all or nothing'," he remembers, and repeats for Eddie's sake, "and I think that was when it clicked for me, you know? Like, what we have is already so good, it's- it's perfect, really. You and me. Me and Chris. I- It. It doesn't have to be everything - I know you don't- I know it can't be... that. But it can just be what it is. That's already enough."
"When you talked to Taylor," Eddie repeats, spitting out her name like it's a curse. And wow- Buck had apparently forgotten how much Eddie disliked her.
"Yeah, I mean," Buck says, gesturing a little helplessly. "We're friends? I guess. I know you don't like her but she's actually- well. She actually said some really nice things to me that day, so."
You're not hard to love, Evan.
He really wishes he could believe that, but he unfortunately has a mountain of evidence to the contrary. Still, it was a nice thing to say.
Buck watches as the anger melts away from Eddie like it's a physical thing. He closes his eyes like he's fortifying something within himself.
"I'm not a good person, Buck," is what Eddie says when he finally opens his eyes and looks back at him.
Buck immediately opens his mouth to argue, but Eddie has a hand up to stop him.
"I'm really not," he repeats. He sounds wrung out in a way that reminds Buck of the day Chris had called him, frantic, and he'd had to break down a literal door to get to his best friend.
I'm never gonna feel normal, he'd told Buck then. Buck feels his stomach clench. He should have left this alone.
But then Eddie is speaking again-
"I- I think you might be the best thing that ever happened to me, Buck," he says, and Buck can suddenly hear his own heartbeat roaring in his ears. But Eddie's not done. "None of this is on you. That's- God. I can't believe I didn't realize how you were- Jesus. No, I- I went to Frank because I'm so messed up and in my own head that I knew I couldn't give you what you need and I. At first I was worried I'd lose you but then I was-" he lets out a huff of a wet laugh that sounds awful- "I started to realize I wouldn't and that was so- that was worse, Buck. Because you don't deserve-"
He breaks off then, shaking his head.
"No, no, Eddie, that's what I'm saying," Buck cuts in, heart in his throat. He thinks he finally sees where their wires are crossing now, and maybe he can still fix this. "I don't need anything. I'm not asking for anything. That's what- that's what I'm trying to say. I'm good. We're good."
But Eddie is still shaking his head. He's started to pick the label off the bottle in his hands. He clears his throat a couple of times like he's trying to shake loose more words that won't come.
"I can't- um," he looks at Buck then, eyes pleading. "Look I wasn't- I wasn't expecting to have this conversation, and I. Can we just?"
He stands up from the counter.
"I just need a minute," he says, looking for all the world like he actually expects Buck to refuse him. "I'll come back in the morning. Get us some coffees, and we can- I just. I just need a minute."
Buck nods, a little helplessly, and Eddie bolts.
---
It's not that Buck is surprised to see Eddie on his doorstep the next morning, not really. He's got two coffees from their favorite place near the firehouse and a look of determination on his face as he hands one to Buck before slipping past him into the apartment. He said he would be here, and he is.
So Buck isn't surprised, but he is a little nervous. He's still not sure how the conversation the day before had spiraled out of his control so quickly and completely, so he hadn't known how to prepare for round two any better. He didn't get much sleep last night.
Eddie sits at his counter again, positioning himself so that he's facing Buck. He takes a steadying breath.
"So. There was this one call we were on," he starts without preamble, and Buck moves to join him in the kitchen, leaning back against the counter. "Maybe a year ago? Chris was having his uh-" an aborted laugh from Eddie, "his ladies' man phase, and we were talking about it. And you made this comment about me marrying the first person I slept with. But uh. That's actually not true."
Buck has literally no idea where Eddie is going with this, but he waits him out, fascinated.
"Because, before there was Shannon, there was, uh," Eddie continues, a little haltingly, "there was Carlos."
Buck feels his eyebrows jump up in surprise and his heart literally slams into double time.
"We were like... fifteen, sixteen. Just kids, you know?" Eddie tells him. "And I was so fucking scared the whole time. I just, I couldn't- But Carlos. He was way braver than me. And eventually he decided to come out to his parents."
Eddie shakes his head a little, like he's still in awe after all these years.
"His Latin Catholic parents," he clarifies, "like my Latin Catholic parents. And they uh. they didn't take it well."
He looks down at his coffee for a moment and then back up at Buck.
"I mean, they didn't take it badly, exactly," he says. "But it was. Maybe it was just me, really. I didn't take it well."
He sighs a little, and Buck is rapt.
"I started dating Shannon not long after that, and she was so- I mean, you know. I loved her," Eddie says, "and then we found out about Chris and got married and it just. What did it matter anymore?"
Eddie swallows, and something in his eyes grows fond.
"But then we were here. And Shannon was gone, again. And there was... you," he says, softly. Reverently. "And I was scared shitless, Buck. The things I felt- I don't think I've ever-"
He stops again, like he's lost his train of thought - or maybe just doesn't have the words to articulate it - and Buck feels a new, terrifying seed of hope start to bloom in his already too tight chest.
Eddie stands up and moves to Buck so they're standing face to face.
"I'm still scared," he admits. "But you- you're so... you're so good, Buck. And you deserve so much more than whatever you've been thinking lately, whatever I've made you think, and I can't let you keep- I. I love you. So I- I have to love you enough to be brave."
I have to love you enough to be brave.
Buck doesn't- he has to kiss him then. But he catches himself enough to pause just before their lips meet, to give Eddie a chance to pull back.
But Eddie doesn't pull back this time.
He leans in.
---
Buck's life is both exactly the same and completely unrecognizable after that. Because the one constant in Buck's life, the one thing he's known for sure throughout it all, is that he's just a little... too much. Too impulsive, too reckless, too needy.
Too much. Too much. Too much.
But Eddie... Eddie who eggs him on even with a clipboard in hand. Eddie who just smiles, understanding, after Buck takes a stupid risk to save someone on a call gone bad. Eddie who trusts him enough to ask for his help parenting his kid. Eddie who... loves him. Has loved him the whole time.
You're so good, Eddie told him. Tells him. Again and again.
And eventually Buck starts to believe it.