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Humans in serials love going quiet after a character says something stupid. I spent a lot of time around humans saying stupid things without halting conversations, so I assumed it was a thing that only happened in media.
Then, of course, it happened to me.
It took me a moment to realize why everyone was quiet. (And a moment was really all that I needed. There was no need for ART to send me a transcript of the ongoing conversation, with the quote that caused all of our humans to fall silent underlined.)
We were all in a feed call. (The humans were still quiet, and in various stages of staring at me and trying not to stare at me.) The Barish-Estranza representative was yet to show up, which I was now very grateful for.
And two seconds ago, ART piped up, you called superior Leonide hot.
Right. So that was not how that had gone.
“Are they sending that woman again?” Pin-Lee had been asking, half-distracted with the overzealous amount of files she had on hand. (And you know it has to be bad, if the paranoid murderbot is telling you you’re overdoing it.) She’d spent the last few meetings successfully shutting down every new route BE reps tried to pitch, so no one was about to critique her approach.
“Leonide?” Iris had asked back. She was in the same room as me, but on a separate camera, as I liked to keep mine off because ART and mine’s research showed it tended to keep the agents more on edge. “Stop pretending you don’t know her name. I see you two beefing in the edit notes.”
(The two had been beefing in the edit notes. Somewhere between her attempt to kidnap Arada, the ongoing attempts to enslave the colony, and the fact she used to own Three, Leonide had managed to mark herself as Pin-Lee’s number one enemy.)
“And, probably, yeah.” Iris sighed, then cracked her neck. ART immediately pinged her with a warning about long-term damage. “It seems like we’re stuck with her until further notice.”
And here’s where I fucked up. Not thinking too hard about it, I said, “Probably until they find someone more attractive.”
Yeah. Looking back, I see why they went quiet.
“Wow.” Ratthi, who was also there, cleared his throat. He was in the same room as Tarik, and they were also using separate cameras, but no one was commenting on that. “Never — ha.” Wow. “Never expected to hear something like that from you, SecUnit.”
Unbelievable. I rushed to say, “I don’t mean it in a gross way.”
Iris was already speaking up. “There’s nothing gross about finding women attractive!”
Cool, whatever. I felt the temperature of my organic parts rise. “I was just making an objective observation.” I pulled up a compilation of my best footage and attached it to the feed. “She fits the criteria for what is deemed attractive by the media.”
“Oh, wow,” Ratthi was saying. “You got that together really fast.”
I ignored him. “It seems like an intentional choice on her part. Appearance is a status marker, especially in the corporate world.”
“Did it have this prepared beforehand?” Tarik was asking the others.
I couldn’t believe this. “I have a lot of things prepared.”
That seemed to be all Tarik needed. “Do you have files on how hot the rest of us are?”
“That is not what that file was.” Okay, so maybe it was what that file was. Whatever. “I just keep my footage well-organised.”
“And you all told me I was overreacting,” Pin-Lee mused. “Bet you’re all glad I banned it from bringing drones into crew bedrooms.”
Ratthi was visibly struggling not to laugh.
“Who else do you think is objectively attractive?” Iris was now asking. I fought the urge to disappear into my hoodie, because my camera was off anyways. “Anyone here? You can tell us.”
“I don’t have to tell you that,” I said, then pinged ART. Help.
Get Leonide to help you, it sent back.
Okay, wow.
“I’m looking at the writing you supplied dr. Bharadwaj with for the documentary,” Tarik noted. Great, so everyone was a detective now. “You do not describe anyone else as more or less attractive.”
My face was absolutely burning. “The Preservation team’s appearance did not demand reporting on.”
“Ouch,” Pin-Lee said, but with a voice that told me she wasn’t offended.
“Mmm,” Iris piped up. She was visibly distracted, and a quick sweep off the feed confirmed she was indeed texting Amena about this. “Not convinced.”
“Me neither.” Tarik again. Great. “If you were just reporting on cases of conventionally attractive people, you would have mentioned Ratthi.”
Ratthi had to be grateful everyone responded with an immediate groan, because the noise of surprise he made was not subtle.
“What,” Tarik tried to act not-embarrassed, but failed at it. “He is.”
“You are — “ I couldn’t say it. I had to say it. “ — Sexual partners. You would think so.”
Tarik’s face looked a shade darker. “And what if we’re sexual partners because he’s objectively attractive?”
“And he settled for you because you were the only willing human around who’s neither a corporate agent nor married?” Iris piped up. Tarik rolled his eyes.
“No, but he has a point,” Overse was saying. “Ratthi is objectively attractive.”
“Okay, guys.” Ratthi looked flustered. “Can we change the topic now?”
I sent a tone marker to indicate agreement.
“Yeah, stop objectifying Ratthi,” Pin-Lee said. I almost let my guard down. “Plus, Overse, you of all people should know why someone wouldn’t find a man attractive.”
There was an ooooh from Iris’ end. The latest message she sent to Amena read, lesbianUnit truthers RISE.
This could not still be happening. “I didn’t mention any of your appearances because all of your appearances were irrelevant to your occupation and safety.” Why was I still talking. “Superior Leonide alters her appearance in order to project an image she has already used to spread corporate propaganda. It’s different.”
“SecUnit has a point,” Overse said. I almost exhaled. “She is the evil sort of hot.”
That wasn’t what I’d said. “That’s not what I said.”
“People,” Pin-Lee sighed. “Stop talking about how hot the evil corporate is.”
Iris was bouncing in her seat. “So you agree she’s hot?”
“Well, duh.” Pin-Lee rolled her eyes. “I’ve seen her.”
Iris hummed. “The Tarik defense.”
“Rename that right this instant,” Tarik said.
“We do need to stop talking about how hot she is, though.” Iris sobered up. “She could show up any second.”
“I mean,” Tarik is saying. “If SecUnit’s very detailed file is to go by, she’s aware we think she’s hot, right?”
“ We? ” Ratthi and Iris spoke in unison.
“The file is very detailed.” Pin-Lee had, apparently, stopped fine-tuning her documents to go through the one I’d sent. “How many screenshots do you keep, per person?”
I should have kept my mouth shut. “It varies.”
“It has the most screenshots of Leonide,” ART said, and I rushed to push it out of my private feed.
“I did not see this coming,” Overse was still saying. “I so did not see this coming.”
“Interesting,” Pin-Lee was saying. Then, after a beat, “Is this more or less shocking than when Arada said Leonide could kind of get it — “
“Arada said what?” That was Ratthi.
“Oh, this is more shocking,” Overse said. “I know my wife.”
Ratthi was still going. “But Leonide threatened her!”
“You’re sleeping with a former death squad member,” Tarik said.
“Former!” Ratthi said.
“Self-own,” Iris said.
“Good conversation, everybody.” Overse was trying to get things under control again. “Very productive.”
“Agreed,” Pin-Lee was grinning. “Now we can say we did something today, even if we don’t get Leonide off.” A beat. “Get anything off Leonide. Fuck.”
Iris laugh was becoming guttural. Ratthi had his face in his hands.
The way they all went quiet the second a new person joined, you’d think they were trained actors.
I don’t think she’s anything special, for the record. ART was telling me. I have seen much better looking people.
Great, I sent back. So have I. We watched media together, for fuck’s sake.
Leonide’s face flashed across the feed. Overse and Iris seemed to be struggling not to make each other laugh. Pin-Lee, who looked only a little flustered, pulled up her assembled receipts. Ratthi’s camera was off. Tarik looked tired.
Leonide took all of this in, then squinted at the screen. “Why is your SecUnit sending us files?”
Shit. I deleted it along with the record of its existence.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” At least Pin-Lee had my back. “But if you’d like to send over the report of your last week’s meeting, we’d be very grateful.”
ART was sending me an assembled gallery of all actors from Sanctuary Moon. Which of these people do you find the most attractive?
What is wrong with you? Not only were we mid-meeting, it was obviously the actress playing the solicitor’s long lost stepdaughter. Can we do this later?
ART was now running an image analysis to compare the similarities between all the Worldhoppers characters to Leonide. I let it have fun with that.
“Is doctor Ratthi joining us?” Leonide was asking.
“Doctor Ratthi is here!” Ratthi yelled from Tarik’s camera. Leonide frowned, but then got distracted by another pointed ping from Pin-Lee.
ART was done with its images and was now checking for how often the characters most physically similar to Leonide appeared in my favorite episodes. You might be very shallow, it was telling me, and it hadn’t even finished its analysis.
Whatever. Pin-Lee was pinging me for the footage of Barish-Estranza doing what was a workplace violation even by corporate standards (I had taken it two weeks ago, and Pin-Lee advised me to wait for the moment this would have the most bargaining power) (which was now, I guess). I had to give that my full attention, because the way this day was going, there was a 35% chance I would accidentally attach another picture of Leonide.
Personally, I don’t like how smooth her skin is, ART was still going. Your skin is about as smooth as human skin should be. Anything more and you might as well date a robot.
Whatever!! I sent. Then, triple-checking it was the right file, I dropped it into Pin-Lee’s feed.
Thank you very much, she sent back. Feel free to go back to taking your screenshots now. And then she added a winking emoji, because everyone was out to get me today.
Ugh. I made sure Leonide wasn’t planning to release any malware into Iris’s augments, and then muted the conversation.