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It’s a joke at first. A stupid joke, something that would have made him laugh if it wasn’t for what followed.
It starts with Buck being hit by the door of the ambulance being opened by Hen, stumbling back from the force of the blow, wincing as he grabs his nose, feeling it around to check if it’s broken — it’s thankfully not, he’s had enough broken body parts as it is.
Hen jumps out of the ambulance with a hiss. “Geez, I’m sorry, you good Buckaroo ?”
He hums through the pain, feeling Eddie’s hand dropping to his lower back in support.
“Don’t go suing us again.” Chimney quips, making them all laugh, Buck included until Ravi tilts his head in obvious confusion.
“Again ?” Buck freezes, suddenly aware of the fact that he doesn’t know about it because it happened so long before he joined. “When did you sue them ?”
“A few years back, it was uh a mistake.” He smiles uncomfortably.
Everything that ensued his first argument with Bobby was an intricate mess of wrong decisions and miscommunications that almost cost him what was most precious to his heart. The people he loved. A mess that was first caused by his inability to understand that he could matter as much to them as they did to him. That their actions could be motivated by the love they held for him, like Bobby’s fears and Eddie’s anger could have been caused by the fact that they needed him too.
“I held Buck back from work because I was worried about him which was wrong and Buck got mad and filed a lawsuit.” Bobby sends him a meaningful look and with the years, it’s been healing to see everyone see their rights and their wrongs about what happened. It helped with Buck’s guilt and the uneasiness he felt anytime it was mentioned.
“Then everyone got mad and then Eddie got very mad and everything turned out just fine.” Chimney shrugs carelessly.
“I haven’t thought about it for a long time, feels like another lifetime.” Hen ponders with a wondrous look.
“Yeah well a lot has happened since.” He replies in hopes to close the matter. Buck hasn’t thought about it for a long time either and now he has, he can’t not think about it. The lawsuit in itself doesn’t bother him at all, but it does. It really does and those things are so tied together it’s why he doesn’t like to think about the lawsuit.
He feels the anxiety building and needs to get away, right now. “I’m uh, going to look at my nose in a mirror.” He laughs, knowing it sounds a little wrong. “To see the damage to my face.”
“You better, pretty boy.” Hen snorts once he’s got his back turned.
He almost runs to the bathroom and only lets out a strangled breath when he sits down on the floor.
He barely composes himself when footsteps that he knows can only belong to Eddie get closer to the bathroom. He pokes his head in with a concerned frown, probably not liking what he sees because he walks in, sitting down next to him in one beat.
“You good ?”
“I don’t like reminiscing about the worst time of my life.” He lets out a breathy laugh because it’s the truth, it was the worst time of his life. The firetruck, the embolism, the tsunami and then the cherry on top, the lawsuit.
“Yeah me neither.” Eddie admits, he didn’t join in on the conversation earlier, probably for that exact same reason.
The others can’t understand how much this hurt the both of them, how that situation affected their lives so much more. Leading them into a path of destruction and anger and pain that could have been avoided if it wasn’t for their lack of honesty.
“It was so stupid, if only we’d been there for each other, it wouldn’t have been such a mess.” Buck says, hanging his head down.
“Agreed but it was a long time ago, why is it still bothering you ?” Eddie pokes, Buck looks up to see his concerned expression.
“Because there is something I haven’t told you.”
And he honestly forgot about it but now after everything that happened between them, now they’re on the cusp of a relationship, it feels so wrong to keep this from him, especially after Eddie laid his bare feelings out for Buck to see last year. After he opened up so much and let him in so much farther than ever before. After Buck decided to enjoy life now he realized how fragile and short it could be.
He can’t hide it.
Eddie tenses immediately next to him in preparation for the blow that Buck will try to soften the best he can. “What ?”
“I didn’t want you to feel guilty.” He needs to make sure Eddie doesn’t feel responsible for what he’s going to admit because it wasn’t on him.
“About what ?” Eddie asks with a strained voice, eyes wide. “Buck.” He presses desperately, overtaken with worry that Buck knows so well now.
It’s now or never, Buckley.
“I um… after the— there was a time during the lawsuit where I felt like I’d lost all of you for ever and I… I was sad and lonely and I think I had very bad PTSD from the tsunami and I… lost hope. So one day, I went to a cliff.”
It was after sunset, there were still hues of orange mixed with the deep blue of the sky and Buck pondered for a while. He wanted to jump, he felt so lonely, he felt so lost. He felt so guilty too, he woke up every night with nightmares of Christopher’s limp body being pulled out of the water. He wanted to jump so he stayed there, looking at the sky for a few hours.
“No.” Eddie whispers, shaking his head like it will make the truth go away. Buck reaches for his hand, holding it over his lap and squeezing it to stop the trembling of Eddie’s fingers.
“I didn’t do it. I couldn’t have done that to Chris and Maddie.” He blurts out right away because it’s the simple truth. Through his worst doubts, he didn’t doubt their love and he never doubted the love he felt for them. Maddie raised him and Christopher was the most important person in his life, even then.
So he went home that night and broke down in tears, letting himself feel it before starting to move on from these thoughts and it worked.
“No.” Eddie repeats, voice cracking.
Buck reaches for his neck, looking into his wide eyes with hopes to take that look off his face. “I’m fine Eds, I didn’t do it and I swear it was only for a few days. I’ve been good ever since, I’m okay, like you said it was a long time ago.”
Eddie swallows, shaking his head again. “But— why didn’t you tell me ?”
“At first I didn’t want to… bother you,” Eddie opens his mouth and Buck gives him a look to quiet his protests, “and then once I realized it was stupid and you were just angry when you said it, I just didn’t want to make you sad after all we’d been through. I mean you had just stopped fighting, I didn’t want to give you a reason to go back.”
Buck was so concerned about Eddie back then, he was so intent on doing his best to make him happy again, to take his suffering and his anger away the best way he could. He wanted to make it up to him, make up for everything he did wrong. Every hurt he caused, every time he wasn’t by his side the way he promised to be to ease every bit of ache that could trouble his mind.
“Buck.” Eddie calls again, still sounding pained, squeezing his fingers before his thumb moves to find his pulse on his wrist, probably in an attempt to comfort himself with the rhythmic thumps of his heart.
Buck smiles reassuringly. “It wasn’t your fault, Eddie. Whatever you’re thinking it’s really not, you had every right to be angry I should’ve talked to you before filing.”
“I shouldn’t have taken it out on you, though.” He argues, making Buck sigh and squeeze his hand tighter.
“Eddie, it’s fine, I’m fine, we both made terrible mistakes and we both hurt each other and ourselves. I mean I almost killed myself and you literally got yourself beaten up like twice a week for months. It was a bad patch and it’s been what ? Three years.”
“I could’ve lost you then.” Eddie says, looking away from Buck, as he swallows loudly again, the way he does when he’s holding back tears.
“But you didn’t.” Buck tells him, managing to catch his attention again when he lets his hand brush against the soft skin of his temple before sliding into his brown locks to hold the side of his head the way he’s always wanted too.
“Why do I keep almost losing you ?” Eddie whispers, pleadingly looking into his eyes, like he can find the answer there when Buck can’t find one. He’s asked himself the same question after Eddie got shot.
“I’m still here.” He can’t contain the fondness oozing out of his face as his thumb swipes across his scalp up and down to soothe his nerves.
“Don’t leave me. As you’ve seen I don’t react well to it.” Eddie face twists into a small pout with those big beautiful wide eyes of his Buck can’t resist.
“How could I ? You’re kind of stuck with me.”
He’ll stay glued to Eddie’s side for the rest of their lives because he’s the key to happiness, he’s what life is meant to be like. Life is meant to be long movie nights with comfortable silence, the kind that you can only share with the love of your life, your safe place, life is meant to be doing the dishes together while moving to the slow beat of the background playlist, life is meant to raise the most wonderful kid in the world together and go on family outings and have video game nights and doing breakfast on his dining table.
Life is Eddie and Christopher. It’s always been Eddie and Christopher.
“We’ll never get mad at each other again, we’re not allowed to.” Eddie assures him like it’s something they can promise each other.
“You can get mad all you want, just… tell me why. We can’t possibly go our entire lives without fighting again.” An indulgent smile takes over his face as Eddie hums in thought.
“We’ve done pretty well for three years.”
Buck leans in to rest their foreheads together, with the need to be closer. “There will be fights but it will be fine. We’ll always be okay.”
“When did you get so sure ?” Eddie’s brows knit together in unconcealed doubt, moving back slightly.
“When I almost missed out on an entire lifetime with you when I almost died this year. I can’t pretend we don’t mean that much to each other, I can’t pretend you’re not my entire life.”
Eddie’s eyes fill with tears, his own fingers coming to rest on the hand on his cheek. “How much we mean to each other ? You really can read minds, now.”
Buck grins in amusement. “That’s how I got us the steaks, baby.”
“I don’t want to die alone, I know I said everyone dies alone but… just, don’t go first — please.”
Buck can’t help his indignation. He doesn’t want to live without Eddie for any second. That’s the one wish he refuses to grant him. “I mean I don’t want you to go first either.”
“Maybe we can go together. Like in the dramatic hand-holding at the nursing home way.” Eddie breathes out, warming his soul.
“Isn’t it kind of morbid to plan our deaths early ?” He questions with a small frown.
“You’re the one who dated the death witch.” Eddie spits out, Buck biting back a teasing laugh at the jealousy seeping out of his tone.
“Death doula.” He corrects just to see his face.
“Ugh.” The face is exactly the one he imagined, all screwed up and annoyed. Jealous. He likes it, it’s a hot look on Eddie. His Eddie.
“That really bothered you, didn’t it ?” He teases with a playful grin and a small shove at his chest, then resting his fingers against it, feeling his wildly paced heartbeat.
“Let’s not talk about her ever again, please, I don’t want to picture you and your exes anymore.” Eddie pouts again and Buck aches for the taste of those pink lips that beg to be kissed and licked and bit.
“Jealous much ?” He presses, lost in the thoughts of doing all of that.
“Yeah. They didn’t fight at the grocery store with you, I earned my spot.” Eddie argues, resting their foreheads together again.
“Mmh. I’d say you got your spot the moment the ambulance blew up.” Buck dives down to press a long-awaited kiss on the hinge of his jaw.
“Really ?” Eddie says, sounding distracted.
Buck hums, looking up and beaming as Eddie frames his face with both hands and closes the distance, their lips meeting in a slow, affirming kiss. It’s perfect and dizzying and they taste just like he imagined. Like his future.
They pull apart after a few much-needed seconds and Buck immediately confesses the words that have sat on his chest for a long time, “I love you.”
“I love you too.” Eddie nudges his nose with his sweetly. “Thanks for telling me.”
“I figured I didn’t want to keep any secrets from you.” He admits as Eddie narrows his eyes with an inquisitive look.
“You’re not hiding anything else ?”
“Nope. You know about the time I barfed in my baseball cap, right ?” He checks, just to be sure.
“Yeah.” Eddie nods with a small disgusted grimace.
Buck nods, pecking his cheek. “Yeah then no secrets at all.”
“Should I tell you about that time I peed myself in first grade because I laughed too much ?” Eddie asks, making Buck gape, laughing in surprise.
“Yes, I can’t believe you haven’t told me yet !”
“I’ve never told anyone, only my Abuela knows.” Eddie explains himself, like it justifies it.
“I should’ve known already after five years of friendship.” He says accusatorially, making Eddie give him a sheepish, lopsided smile.
“I’m sorry, what if I tell you later, at lunch ?”
“Lunch ?” He replies, faking ignorance, looping his arms around Eddie’s neck.
“If you want to join me on a date.” Eddie raises an eyebrow at Buck who smirks.
“A date, huh ?”
“Yeah, the first out of many.” Eddie grins, kissing him again, chastely. “Mi amor.” He murmurs on his lips and Buck lights up like the sun at the petname, he could actually reach the stars if Eddie keeps calling him that.
“Yeah I’d like that.” He agrees, nodding a little dumbly, given that he’s so stupidly in love with this man.
“Good.” Eddie bites his lips, pulling Buck over to his lap and chuckling when Buck immediately takes advantage of that to kiss him again.
He is so glad he didn’t jump then, that he stayed, that he pulled himself back together and that years later, he survived the impossible in the form of the lightening strike, because life can get hard, yes, but life is breathtakingly beautiful when it’s filled with the delicious taste of the love of his life’s lips.