Archive of Our Own ^beta

BILLZO

“So. One day, I was just going about my business, when I had an epiphany. An idea, if your vocabulary isn’t as sumptuous as mine. The world loves reality shows. The Real Housewives of Wherever The Fuck A Mansion Can Be Made. But society simultaneously adores game shows. Competitions, if you will. From this idea, I gave birth to an amazing show. One that will forever change pop culture.

“Picture this: The Real Housewives of The Dream SMP is a new reality show, coming soon! Available on every streaming service that money can buy a subscription to, because we just Want Some Fucking Money!” He laughed.

“The premise of the show is simple. A huge mansion filled to the brim with people who have an ungodly amount of money yet no actual occupation. A housewife, in all senses of the word besides the gender norm. I’m going to do everything in my fucking power to squeeze as much drama as possible out of this show like I am God and the world is my orange juice.”

He grinned in a manner that can only be described as evilly. “Let the games begin.”

Dramatic music started to play.

————-

“Welcome to the Real Housewives of the Dream SMP! Fourteen people enter The Mansion, with a chance to win one! Million! Dollars! Haha, the rich get richer! Let’s meet our contestants!”

TUBBO

“Hi, I’m Tubbo! I’m here to win the money!”

RANBOO

“H-“

TUBBO

“Hey, wait, don’t you fucking cut away to the next person. I’m not done yet. My strategy for this game is to be nice and be a follower until I make it towards the end, then I’ll stab the back of the leader and be the new head guy. There’s no way I won’t win. And the only person I can trust is me. Oh, and my husband, I guess.”

RANBOO

“Hello! I’m- um, Tubbo’s husband. … Oh, I’m supposed to say more? Haha, sorry. Uh… my name’s Ranboo! … Sorry, and… I’ve got a lot of generational inheritance! I’m rich because my parents were because theirs were, and so on! Uh… Tubbo! I honestly love him. He was actually kind of an arranged marriage, though. For me. He was rich and my parents wanted me to have a rich husband, and he liked me, so… yeah! He picked me. … Oh, yeah, I do wanna win! … What’s the prize?”

TOMMY

“HELLO! I’M TOMMYINNIT, THE FIRST WINNER OF HOUSEWIVES! Well, I’m going to be, anyway. Haha, my charm is irresistible to everyone. The ladies, the men, and anyone in between. I’m beloved by all. Even any deities. All of them. Honestly! I have proof. When I was a kid, not that I was ever anything less than the biggest of men, I stumbled across a lottery ticket.

“I scratched it and won two hundred dollars! And so, being the hyper-intelligent man I am, I bought two hundred lottery tickets with that money. And I kept winning bigger and buying more. I won the lottery sixty-nine times. THE BEST NUMBER! Now, I’m practically a billionaire. … Well, maybe not a billion. But pretty close. And I’m gonna win.”

GEORGE

“I’m definitely going to win this. … Oh, how? … I dunno. I just will.”

AIMSEY

“Hey gamers! I’m Aimsey, and I’m ready to win this competition. I know that shows like these tend to have angry people and huge drama that gets people voted off. I’m going to keep everyone in line and make sure everyone likes each other. And more importantly: they like me! There’s no way I’ll lose!” They smiled brightly.

KARL

“HI! I’m Karl! I’m really excited for this competition. … Oh, how I got my inheritance? It’s a funny story, actually! Well, it’s just money in the family. That, and, well, I actually murdered a good friend of mine. Maybe you’ve heard of him? Well, the Mr. Beast estate is entirely mine, now.” He grinned. “And all his clout! Wait, this can’t be used as evidence in court, ca-“

SAPNAP

“Hey there, I’m Sapnap. When my fiancés and I were told to come on this show, it was a no-brainer. Three chances for a million dollars? We’d have to be stupid to say no. I’m gonna fight for them at every turn. And when we’re the final three? I’ll win, just to prove I’m the best. Sure, the money is for the three of us, but a guy’s gotta let his competitive side show through sometimes, ay?”

QUACKITY

“I am going to win this fucking show. That million dollars? It’s mine. This game is so on. I’ve watched a lot of these silly reality shows. And one thing always shines through. The guy who starts on top wins, if he can handle leadership. And if he can’t? Then he’ll lose. But I won’t lose. Because I can handle anything.”

NIHACHU

“Hello! I’m Niki! I’m really excited for this. I hope that I can make a lot of friends while doing this show. Honestly, I have enough money. I’m just here for all of the nice people!” You could practically hear the smiley face emoji in her voice. Truly an angel among humans.

TECHNOBLADE

“My name is Techno.”

WILBUR

“Hello! I’m Wilbur! I think my best attribute is that I’m a natural born leader. The only person who has ever bested me in anything, ever, is my twin brother. But he doesn’t even want to be on this show. He’s only here because I asked him very nicely.”

TECHNOBLADE

“He practically begged me. I pitied him.”

WILBUR

“But I’m really excited for this! I think I have what it takes to win, and I know this will be fun.”

TINA

“Hi, I’m Tina! … My millions are self made, actually! Thank you for asking! When I was younger, I started a small business, and now? I don’t have to do any work at all and money just appears in my bank account! Outsourcing, the true savior of the upper class.”

BILLZO

“And you might remember me, viewers! Yes, that’s right.” He started to cackle evilly. “Not only am I the creator of the show, I’ve put myself on as a contestant! This way, I can stir up even more drama. Now, don’t worry, I can’t win the money. I’m just going to make it more of a challenge for our contestants!”

DREAM

“… hello? Is anyone there? H- help? Can you please undo the blindfold?”

BILLZO

“Oh, Dream? Haha, yeah! I kidnapped him.” He grinned.

DREAM

Dream sat in the chair, hands behind him as if they were tied. There was a possibility that he had bruises that dotted his face and arms. There was a slight fear in his eyes. “H- hi. I’m Dream.”

BILLZO

“I thought it would be funny if I had some homeless guy be in the show, masquerading as another one of the rich people. More drama, amiright? But I also want him to be good enough for the cameras. I was lucky to find Dream. He’s the most attractive homeless person I’ve ever seen in my life.”

DREAM

“I was, uh, homeless for a little while. Um, I dropped out of college, but then the friend who I was living with died. Hah, so I didn’t have anywhere to go. No one would take me in, and I didn’t have enough money for a place to stay. A few weeks into my time sleeping in an alley, I was kidnapped. I- uh, woke up here. Please, I don’t really wanna be here, please, just let me leave.”

BILLZO

“Oh shit, he’s close to crying? Fuck- did you tell him about the million dollars? And he can live here as long as he keeps up the facade and doesn’t get voted out. Tell him that!”

DREAM

He wiped his eyes on his sleeve. “How do I know you’re not lying to me?”

BILLZO

“Okay, technical difficulties. Just threaten him.”

——————

“WELCOME, CONTESTANTS! TO THE NEW HIT SHOW, THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF THE DREAM SMP!” Each of the interview rooms’ doors simultaneously opened and the contestants shuffled out into the mansion.

A few allowed themselves to release a small sound of awe, while others maintained stoicism, because they’d seen far more extravagant homes.

“THIS IS THE MANSION! YOU’LL BE LIVING HERE UNTIL YOU ARE EJECTED FROM THE GAME. AND NOW, LET THE GAMES BEGIN!”

“Where’s that voice even coming from?” Aimsey asked.

“Me.” All eyes turned to a very bald man standing in a corner holding a microphone. “I’m a cameraman. Name’s Jack.”

“Literally no one asked. Shut up and go back to your job,” Tommy ordered. Jack opened his mouth to respond when Tubbo cut him off.

“Plus L plus ratio, loser.” Jack ran off, probably to go cry somewhere.

“So, we’re supposed to vote someone off tonight?” Quackity inquired.

“Yeah, so we should probably make alliances or something,” Wilbur replied. A beat of silence, and then-

The house was suddenly filled with commotion, people pulling others aside into rooms and deciding who they would trust enough to stick with until the end.

Tommy and Wilbur found themselves in the living room. Or rather, one of five.

“Ayup.”

“Ayup. Wanna be alliances?”

“You’re a fucking child.”

“And I’m still cooler than you.”

Henceforth, an unbreakable bond was formed between the two.

Elsewhere in the house, a trio of fiancés decided to split up to find more numbers for the upcoming vote. And hopefully, a helpful ally. Karl ran into the kitchen and promptly slipped, skidding across the ground and landing on his head.

“Oh my god! Are you okay?”

Karl groaned in pain, sitting up while holding his head in his hands. “Y- yeah.” He looked up to find a hand extended toward him.

“Hi, I’m Tina! D’you need any help?”

Karl smiled and took her hand. She pulled him to his feet. “Thank you! Do you wanna- uh, work together in the game too? Like, uh, y’know…”

“Be allies? Sure, Karl, I’d love to.”

TINA

“Karl? Yeah, I think he’ll be a great ally. I’m going to choose my allies wisely, in this game. And Karl is easy to like. He’ll make it far in this game. But I think he trusts too easily. That’ll be his downfall, and my stepping stone to win.”

KARL

“I definitely trust Tina!” He beamed, small dimples appearing on his face.

—————

Quackity ran through the house, desperately searching for a person. He found that person in George.

“Hello Quackity.”

“H- how do you know my name?” George shrugged.

“I dunno. I know a lot of things.”

“Do you know who you’re planning on voting with tonight?”

“You don’t even know who you’re voting for,” George retorted.

“Neither do you!“

“… touché. I like you, Quackity.”

“Wha- uh- I like you, George,” Quackity replied, mimicking George’s accent and high-and-mighty tone of voice.

“I’ll vote with you until it conflicts with my own interests.”

“And what are those?”

“I’m not telling you.”

QUACKITY

“George is a fucking annoying bitch and I hate him.”

———

Sapnap took it upon himself to explore the house. He scoped out bedrooms, bathrooms, and everything else. There were a lot of rooms. In one of the main halls, he found a person standing alone, gazing at the intricate ceiling in awe.

“Hey there,” Sapnap called out. The person jumped and spun around.

“Oh, hi! I’m Dream.”

DREAM

“Okay, so, I guess the mansion is proof that this is a real thing. I’m gonna try my best to win the game. I mean, seriously, none of these other people need a million dollars! That’s like, a rounding error to them. But I’m a big game show fan. I think I can do this.”

————

“Nice to meet you, Dream. Do you know anyone here?”

“No, I don’t. Why, do you?”

“Yeah! I actually have two fiancés, they’re both here.”

“Oh, awesome! Can I meet them, please? I’m sure they’re really nice.”

“Sure, dude! Come with me! We’re actually gonna make this huge alliance and stomp out all the other people. Then we’ll probably turn on each other, ripping out the throats of people who trusted us.”

“Oh, okay.”

SAPNAP

“Uh huh, Dream seems nice! I definitely want to keep him around for a while. But Karl, Q, and I are gonna rule this game.”

DREAM

“Huge group alliances rarely work. But Sapnap seems to trust me, so I can trust him. I need to stay with the numbers and call the shots, right? Haha… I’m so out of depth here, I’m still processing that I was literally kidna-“

———-

Before any more alliances could be formed, Jack Manifold acquired his microphone again.

“CONTESTANTS! Everyone, meet up in the main room, please. You all just ran off on me. I didn’t get a chance to talk about the rule change or start the first little game. An icebreaker, if you will.”

Despite not enjoying being told what to do because they were all generally entitled, the millionaires made their ways to the gathering room.

“Jack, you’re not even the host of this show. Who even are you? No one wants you here. You’re just some random guy,” Tommy berated.

Jack’s eyes watered up with tears but he persevered. “I just wanted screen time, man. No, no, it’s my job to be in charge here, since the actual host is partici-“

“The real host is probably dead,” Billzo cut in. Good save, man.

“Did you kill him?” Niki asked.

“N-“

“He definitely did,” Wilbur replied. “How else would he know the host was dead? Who even is the host?”

“Me,” Jack stated. “I’m the host. I’m probably richer than all of you. Combined.”

“A hundred of your net worths would be enough money for me to wipe my ass with,” Tommy said. Jack looked around the room at the millionaires taunting him. Even Tina had her tongue out in a jeer. Tina! (What has society come to?)

“Fine. Be that way. I’m just going to announce the thing to you all. The million dollars can be split. Evenly, by all remaining contestants. This can be done at any time, but all contestants must agree to split it. The only time that this cannot happen is before the first person is voted out. Now, everyone get into costume. We’re doing a murder mystery.”

“Why the fuck would we do that?” Quackity asked.

“The murder mystery? Or share the money?” Karl responded.

“Both, honestly. But I meant the murdering shit.”

“It’s the first game! An ice breaker! So you can all get to know each other with some good old fashioned homicide. And some drama, for audience retention!”

“Homicide? More like homie-cide!” Ranboo joked. “Get it? Because we’re killing our friends?” Tubbo sighed.

TUBBO

“I remember the day I chose Ranboo to be my arranged husband very vividly. It was some weird fucking ‘betrothing party’ or whatever the hell Susan called it. Fuck Susan. But I saw Ranboo walking around, and his parents were practically holding up a ‘for auction’ sign. He was just staring at some cow that was there for no reason, an innocent grin plastered on his face while his parents ran around trying to get people to date him.

“So I went over to them. Like anyone does in a social situation, I immediately told them my net worth. They told me Ranboo’s, and handed me a sheet showing all of his stats. Literally. All of his qualities, rated and scaled. So… I decided to marry him! They handed him over to me, and then left Ranboo and I to be an incredibly wealthy couple. But there was one thing about Ranboo that was not on the sheet.

“He’s very socially awkward.”

RANBOO

“Yeah, there was a cow at the party! They were very fluffy.”

—————

“Alright,” Jack said. “I’ve assigned you all your roles. Now, mingle!”

Everyone stood stationary, staring at their cards.

TECHNOBLADE

“I’m the killer. My costume comes with a taser strong enough to knock people out. That’s how I’m supposed to kill them. … I should not be trusted with this kind of power.”

WILBUR

“Techno is definitely the killer. I can just tell. But I won’t tell anyone. I wanna watch the world burn, if but just a little bit.” He grinned, almost looking innocent and pure. It would be a foolish mistake to think Wilbur was, in fact, innocent.

AIMSEY

“I think I’m going to do well in this game. I actually have a lot of experience with murder! A good friend of mine was actually murdered, and I found out who killed her! Then I tracked the killer down and brutally slaughtered them. So yeah! This game is right up my alley.”

DREAM

“This game is literally Among Us for rich people.”

—————

“So, who’s the killer?” Billzo asked.

“They’re not just gonna say, dumbass,” Sapnap replied. Billzo rolled his eyes.

“Should we interrogate people?” Tina questioned. “Maybe find clues? How does this game even work?”

Suddenly, Tommy screamed. “GEORGE IS DEAD!” Everyone spiraled into a panic, but only Dream had the sense to check for a pulse.

“He’s not dead, just unconscious,” he informed. “It’s probably just part of the game.”

“Unless he is dead, and the killer gave him a pulse so we wouldn’t believe George died!” Quackity exclaimed.

“Oh my god, you’re right!” Tubbo gasped.

DREAM

“These fucking idiots.”

————

“We should all split up. That’s what people always do in murder stories,” Tommy decided.

“Yeah, the people who die!” Wilbur protested, but everyone ignored him. Also, Wilbur was now the only person in the room, because apparently everyone left. Wilbur sighed. He simply didn’t want to put up with this anymore. Maybe with him out of the game, someone would connect his death to his brother. “Just kill me, Techno.”

“As you wish.”

WILBUR

“He ended up tazing me right in the fucking neck. It hurt like hell.”

———-

Tommy wandered through a dark hallway completely alone when he realized that he should probably buddy up with someone.

“Wilbur was standing there all alone like an idiot with no friends. I’ll go find him,” he decided aloud. Tommy wandered back into the main room-

And collapsed to the floor, sobbing.

“Wil!” he cried. “You’re dead!” As if on cue, everyone ran back into the room.

“I guess splitting up was a bad idea,” Aimsey said.

“Uh, guys? I know that ‘everyone’ is supposed to be in the room right now, but… where’s Quackity and Billzo?”

TECHNOBLADE

“Dead. Killing Quackity was my favorite part. I used some… extra flair.”

QUACKITY

“I was alone in a room. Suddenly, the lights started to flicker. My heart rate increased. I heard footsteps on every side of me. And then suddenly, it was pitch black.”

TECHNOBLADE

“I tripped over the lamp cord.”

QUACKITY

“Then, suddenly, the murderer was upon me. He grabbed my shoulders and I froze. He said something to me, but I couldn’t hear what. I had my airpods in. But then! All of a sudden, my hot girl summer playlist cut out, and it was some scary ambiance shit instead. Then the killer fucking electricity-o-cuted me in the face! And I saw pink hair before I fell down.” His eyes narrowed. “I hate Technoblade.”

BILLZO

“Yeah, I just fainted because I was hot. He didn’t even taze me. I guess wearing a coat made of seven children heats you up fast, lmao.” He did actually say ‘lmao’ as if it was a word. “But I chose Techno to be the killer because I knew he’d do a good job. More drama, more views, more money!”

———-

“Guys, look! I found a paper on the ground!” Niki exclaimed. Everyone clamored to get closer to her as she read it out loud. “A clue as to the killer’s identity can be revealed if someone sacrifices themselves.”

“Holy shit,” Tommy whispered.

“I can do it,” Tina volunteered.

“No, Tina! Don’t you wanna help find the killer?” Karl objected.

“Yeah, Tina stays. I can do it. It’s just one game, y’know? It’s not like I’m actually getting killed,” Dream said.

“Unless they do stab you and you die,” Sapnap replied. “Game shows have done worse.”

BILLZO

“No, I don’t have plans to kill anyone. But, things happen, you know?”

———-

“I found the paper, so it wouldn’t be fair if someone else left the game. I’m not very good at murder games anyway. I can do it,” Niki offered.

“Niki, no! You’re the nice one!” Tommy protested.

“Wha- there’s other nice people!” Tubbo replied.

“Not you,” Tommy retorted.

“Fuck off, man. And Niki, are you sure you wanna sacrifice yourself?”

“Yes, I am.” Once she said that, Jack walked up behind her and tazed her expressionlessly.

“The murderer is wearing red,” he informed them, and then he walked back to his corner which Tommy had dubbed the ‘Jack is a sad bald loser’ corner.

“Okay, so who of us is wearing something red? Uh, Tommy, Techno, me, I guess, and Ranboo,” Sapnap counted.

“Don’t forget Aimsey’s hat! That counts, right?” Tubbo added.

“Oh, if accessories count, what about your socks, Tubbo? They’re red!” Aimsey retorted.

TUBBO

“One red stripe does not make the entire fucking sock red.”

————

“Okay, so that narrows it down to… six. We should just lock those six people in a room!” Karl exclaimed.

“And we can observe them through a window!” Tina added.

“Are there any rooms with windows on the wall? Maybe one way glass so they can’t see us?” Dream asked.

“We’re not some zoo, we’re just suspects for murder. And you don’t need to see, because if the murderer kills one of us, then the rest will see,” Sapnap replied.

“Alright, c’mon, let’s go,” Tubbo said. “L-“

“Wait!” Ranboo said. “There’s a- uh, tazer in Techno’s pocket.”

TECHNOBLADE

“… everyone makes mistakes, I suppose.”

WILBUR

“I’m disappointed in him. He could’ve won easily.”

KARL

“Dude, I can’t believe it was that easy. I thought this was gonna take hours!”

AIMSEY

“I was a little disappointed that it was just a tazer. I thought a real knife or something would be better.”

———-

“Well, that was fun! What do you guys wanna do while we wait for all the tazed people to wake up?” Tina inquired.

“We could make dinner,” Karl suggested.

“I don’t think all of us will fit in the kitchen,” Dream replied. Oh, how wrong was he. The group wandered through the house until they found the kitchen, which seemed as big as some houses. It had every appliance imaginable, plus some that probably didn’t even do anything.

“Don’t we have people here to make food for us?” Tubbo asked.

“It’s less fun that way!” Ranboo responded. “We should all make something different, and have a huge meal.”

Ten minutes in to cooking and every single person’s food was on fire.

Even the ice cream Tommy wanted to make himself.

“Okay, we can get staff to cook for us,” Ranboo relented. An hour later, their extravagant meal was finished. The tazed people had come to and everyone was seated around the table. As food was served, Jack got his microphone again.

“After you fuckers are done eating, you’re voting someone off.”

“That’s no way to talk to your superiors!” Tommy scolded. “Get back to your emo corner, bitch.”

JACK

“It’s not an emo corner! It’s just- just the spot with the best wifi!”

————

After dinner, the contestants all went to the Voting Room. They were all given a chance to say one last thing to one another, if they so desired.

People flitted around, conspiring with whomever, forging and breaking alliances every second. Finally, it was time for the votes to be cast. One by one, the players wrote down a name of the person they wanted gone, and some added a reason at the bottom.

Once these were cast, Jack took the box to read out and count the votes. (We did not steal that concept from any popular reality game shows. Shut up.)

“Alright, I’m gonna read off the votes now! First vote…” he uncrumpled the paper, “Quackity!”

TECHNOBLADE

He chuckled softly. “You think I orchestrated this? … Heh, you’d be right.”

QUACKITY

“THIS WAS TECHNO, WASN’T IT? FUCK HIM, I FUCKING HATE THAT G-“

————-

“Okay, second vote, Wilbur! Third vote, also Wilbur!”

WILBUR

“That’s concerning.”

————

“Okay, this next vote has a message written on it? Uh, it says Technoblade because ‘even though my alliance wants you to stay I fucking hate you bitch’.”

QUACKITY

He laughed derangedly, soon devolving into a coughing fit.

————

“Next vote, Quackity. Next… sorry, this one is hard to read. Pretty sure it says Wilbur. Okay, next… Quackity again!”

NIHACHU

“I don’t like Quackity very much. Techno approached me to help him eliminate Q, and he said if we did get rid of him, he’d help me get rid of whomever I pleased. And while that sounds iffy in theory… I trust Techno. I’d gladly go to the end with him!”

TECHNOBLADE

“I wasn’t lying to Niki. She’s kind, so she’ll be a powerful ally. She’s not as intimidating as I am, but she has just as much mental prowess. I choose allies wisely.”

————-

“Okay, another one with a note. This one says ‘Wil, sorry man it’s just because Sapnap thinks you’re gonna be really good and so we don’t want you to win but no hard feelings i hope because you’re really nice and’… Okay, I’m not fucking reading this any more. It keeps going! How did you even make your handwriting so small?”

AIMSEY

“Why do you assume that I have small handwriting? I voted for Quackity!”

KARL

“Yeah, that’s mine. I think Wil’s really nice, so I just felt bad! But everyone said that Wilbur was gonna be powerful or whatever, so…” Karl made a motion of cocking a gun and firing, complete with sound effects.

———

“This vote just says ‘idk’. You have to vote!”

RANBOO

“I don’t have to vote…”

BILLZO

“He does technically have to vote. But I don’t care enough to enforce that rule. There’s more drama that way!”

————

“Okay, the next vote is for Q, and then this one… YOU CAN’T DO THAT!”

“YES I CAN! YOU CAN’T STOP ME!” Tommy shouted.

“Well, I’m not gonna read it out loud,” Jack declared petulantly, crumpling the vote back up and throwing it. He crossed his arms like a child as Tommy caught the vote in midair and read it out loud.

“THIS VOTE GOES OUT TO JACK MANIFOLD BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH I’M NOT SUPPOSED TO VOTE FOR HIM, I AM ABOVE THE LAW AND HE IS A FUCKING PUSSY AND-“

“STOP! Tommy, seriously, man, chill,” Jack pleaded. Tommy threw the crumpled up vote at his face and sat back down with a smug expression. “Okay, the next vote… is for Wilbur! He’s in the lead now. If Quackity doesn’t get any more votes, he’ll be eliminated!”

“What?” Wilbur exclaimed. “How is that p-“

“AND THE FINAL VOTE IS FOR TINA, WHICH MEANS WILBUR SOOT IS THE FIRST CONTESTANT ELIMINATED!”

“NO! I demand a recount,” Wilbur bitched. “This cannot be fucking correct. There’s no way that I, Wilbur, am the first to get voted off!”

“Don’t be a sore loser,” Billzo said.

BILLZO

“Yeah, I voted for Tina. Just to stir up drama. If she’s sad at all, then I’ve succeeded.”

TINA

“You wanna know if I’m sad? Uh… no? I didn’t get voted out. So I’m fine.”

BILLZO

“Damn, she didn’t even cry? Maybe I’ll vote for Dream next time. He’s already cried, yknow?”

DREAM

“Will I cry if s- NO! Bro, come on, I think being sad is a realistic response for being kidnapped, and technically I’m still being held prisoner since I can’t leave, and-“

TUBBO

“The weirdest thing happened. I voted for Billzo, but Jack didn’t read my vote! Can you, like, not vote for Bill, or something?”

————

“WILBUR! PLEASE, DON’T GO!” Tommy pleaded, sobbing as Wilbur angrily collected his belongings. It was just the two of them alone in his room.

“Tommy, listen to me. I’ll be back. I’ll find a fucking way to come back, and we will win this show. I won’t let this injustice stay. I’ll- I’ll speak to the manager!”

“Good idea, good idea. I’ll miss you.” Wilbur smiled sadly.

“I’ll miss you too, Toms. Find out who voted me off and kill them. I’ll be back.” And with that, the first contestant was gone.

DAY TWO

With the dawn of today’s episode comes new drama and lore in the world of these Housewives. Our day begins in living room four, where the trio of fiancés are together.

————

“IT’S MY TURN WITH KARL!”

“NO! FUCK YOU! YOU HAD HIM LAST TIME!” Sapnap grabbed one of Karl’s arms and picked it up. Harding his gaze, Quackity grabbed the other. Like petulant children fighting over a toy, they begin to play tug of war with the dazed blob that was Karl.

SAPNAP

“Karl’s shapeshifting thing? We found out about it a year or so ago. Yeah, we were going out to dinner for Quackity’s birthday, and it was this really fancy place. Courtesy of my rich father who literally died while trying to leave me. Hah, mans was on his way to change his fortune to go to his twenty year old girlfriend in his will when he fell off that awkwardly placed cliff.

“You know how it is. So it was this super fancy place, and we all had to dress up. Me and Q are all ready to go, and when Karl walked over to us, I said he looked very pretty. I kid you not, his face went bright red. My game is so strong. But then… y’know. Karl apparently shapeshifts whenever he gets flustered. Honestly? It’s really cute.”

KARL

“Oh, haha, that. Yeah, it’s kind of embarrassing. I think Techno does something similar?”

TECHNOBLADE

“No comment.”

KARL

“Uh, anyways… it’s actually a genetic thing! It runs in the family. But my parents were adamant that I didn’t go around turning into some rainbow blob all the time. Neither of them could do it, so I think they were just jealous. So, I dunno, I was raised not doing it. ‘s not socially acceptable, I suppose.

“But then when I inherited their entire fortunes?  And Jimmy’s? Heh. I decided: who gives a fuck! Like, not shifting is similar to… holding in a sneeze, but it really hurts. So…”

QUACKITY

“You should probably ask Karl that one. He’d be mad if I answered it for him.”

KARL

“Yeah, that’s the part that’s embarrassing. I’m not really… lucid when I shift? Or… aware? At all?”

SAPNAP

“He just gets all loopy. Like a cat on catnip. I think it’s because we get him all blushing-y or whatever. But he’s just like a cat, actually. He fucking purrs or some shit. It’s actually adorable.”

QUACKITY

“When Karl gets like he does, Sapnap and I… no, Sapnap always thinks he has the right to have Karl. But after the fucker turned down my idea to share Karl,”

SAPNAP

“He refused to share Karl!”

QUACKITY

“I had to resort to other measures. Maybe whoever made Karl shift gets to take care of him until he turns back, or whoever Karl wants to go with!”

SAPNAP

“Taking care of him? Oh yeah, that’s all we’re doing. If your fiancé reverted to a state where he was completely incapable of coherent thought because you made him too happy, wouldn’t you want to make sure he was alright? Yeah, it’s because we love him. Absolutely nothing to do with how comforting the blob form is to have around.”

KARL

“Yeah, I always come to in someone’s lap or something. No one ever tells me anything about when I’ve shifted. But usually, I wake up to Q or Sap right there with me. It’s really sweet!” Karl blushed. “Oh god, now I’m thinking abou-“ Suddenly, there was a small poof of smoke and Karl’s human form was replaced by the rainbow blob.

As if on cue, Sapnap and Quackity ran into the room. “KARL!”

————

“Quackity, Sapnap, put Karl down.” Looking eerily similar to how a toddler caught with their hand in a cookie jar would, Sapnap and Quackity gently placed their blob fiancé on the ground. “I’m confiscating him. You’re losing your Karl privlages.”

“FUCK YOU TECHNOBLADE! I’M GOING TO ACTUALLY KILL YOU IN YOUR SLEEP! I WILL FIND A PICKAXE AND MURDER YOU! THAT’LL SHOW YOU TO-“

Techno had already left the room, Karl ensconced in his arms.

TECHNOBLADE

“Fine.” He sat up straighter in his seat, as if to intimidate the camera. “I’m related to Karl, down some line. I think we’re second cousins? Maybe third. Or not at all. I actually have no idea how that numbered cousins thing works. Anyways, I turn into a piglin, of sorts, whenever I please.

“I’m sure Karl didn’t explain how the shapeshifting works properly. Nothing against him, but definitely against his parents. They’d do anything to spite my own. So when I was trained to use my second form to its most powerful…”

————-

“Karl, man, you need to figure this form out.” Techno placed Karl down on his extravagant canopy bed (blood red of course, Techno sticks to the brand) and sat down in an adjacent chair. “You can’t go turning into a blob every time someone flatters you. Or if you do, you need to be mentally present.”

Karl trilled softly, expressing his feelings. If only Techno knew what the fuck the purring meant.

“Are you happy? Sad? Dying, or something? You need to actually talk, man.” Karl chirped. “No, Karl, actual human talking.” Karl hummed sadly. Techno sighed.

TECHNOBLADE

“Karl was seemingly completely banned from using his second form, so it’s entirely under developed. He could be able to scale an entire building as that blob thing if he were actually lucid. Maybe I should train him. It would be a good way to forge an alliance. He would certainly trust me… so I’d have a strong ally. Plus, it would make Quackity’s life worse, and I fuCKING HATE THAT PRICK WITH A BURNING PASSIO-“

———

After ten minutes or so, the poof of smoke brought Karl’s human form back.

“T- Techno?” he sputtered.

“Karl,” Techno greeted. “You need to figure out how to be lucid.”

“I.. I guess so, but Sap and Quackity are always there, so it’s really not so ba-“

“You can’t let them coddle you! Especially not Quackity. I don’t understand how you can stand him. As your relative, I recommend that you dump him.”

“Techno, no.”

“Techno yes.” Technoblade smiled. “Anyways, remember how your parents are dead?”

“Lmao yeah.”

“Good. So, I’m gonna train you in how to use the blob form. And then in return, you’ll be my ally in the game.”

KARL

“This works out really well for me. Techno’s super nice and he’s probably gonna make it to the end of the game, plus, now I won’t embarrass myself anymore. Oh! I know! I won’t tell my fiancés until I have the form under control, and then it’ll be a surprise! Ahh, I’m so excited!”

TECHNOBLADE

“I doubt he’ll vote out Quackity, right? … Do you think I can convince him?”

———-

As Techno started Karl on his multistep training regime, elsewhere in the house, Dream discovered a… special room.

“Oh. My. God.” He immediately turned an ran through the house to find any of the other contestants. Down the hall, George, Niki, and Tina were sitting and having lattes together.

“GUYS!” Dream exclaimed. “There’s a- a spa room! With like, people in it! And cucumbers!”

“Yeah? Does your house not have one?” George asked. Dream tensed slightly.

“N- nope. Uh, do you guys wanna go?”

“Yeah!” Tina agreed. “Don’t worry, Dream, my house doesn’t have a spa room either. I’ve never enjoyed getting massages alone, it’s so boring with no one to talk to! Having a membership at an elite spa is far better, amiright?” Dream chuckled awkwardly.

“Yeah, you’re right.”

“Come on, let’s go!” Niki said. And off they went! They walked to the spa room and as they were about to enter, they encountered Jack.

“Hey guys, mind if I join you?” Jack asked.

“Yeah,” George replied dryly.

“Yeah, what? Yeah, you mind? Or yeah, you don’t?”

“Yeah.”

“Wha- I don’t-“

“He means yeah, he doesn’t want you here,” Tina answered. “I don’t mean to be rude, but, don’t you have like, a job? Or something?” Jack teared up and ran away again.

“He cries a lot,” Dream pointed out. “Do you guys think he’s okay?”

“Who cares?” George replied.

“…okay,” Dream said. Tina flung open the doors of the spa room and the four entered.

DREAM

“Maybe after the spa, I should go talk to Jack? I kinda feel bad for him. Everyone acts like they’re better than him… maybe they are, though. … Wait, actually? I have a question for you guys. Does being rich make you worth more as a person? … Oh. You’re sure? …” Dream frowned.

——-

“Hello, welcome!” a spa worker greeted. “What do you want today?”

Niki scanned the options on the sign quickly before deciding. “We’ll take your full package.” She turned to her fellow contestants. “Do any of you have a preference in this sort of thing?”

“Let’s not do a mud bath,” George said.

The spa worker laughed. “Don’t worry, we don’t have that. Imagine going in mud at your leisure?”

On the other side of the house, Tommy suddenly stood up.

“Don’t shit on mud. It’s delicious,” he blurted.

“Tommy? What the fuck?” Tubbo asked. “Where did that come from?”

“We were just talking about the socio-economic climate of the nation lately, what does that have to do with mud?” Ranboo questioned.

“I- I dunno! I have like, a fifth sense for whenever someone disses mud.”

“Huh.”

Back in the spa, the four contestants were getting massages and making light conversation.

“So, Dream, you seem sweet! I assume you’re not one of the people who murdered someone to get their fortune?” Niki asked.

“Woah, don’t say murdering isn’t something sweet people do. Karl’s the nicest guy, and he killed Mr. Beast!” Tina replied.

“Oh, really? … actually, now that I think about it, I have killed a few people,” Niki admitted, giggling.

“Who hasn’t?” George said.

“Hah… yeah,” Dream forced out.

DREAM

“THEY’VE MURDERED PEOPLE?”

NIHACHU

“Oh, thanks for asking! It was a few years ago, and a close friend of mine got in with some bad people. They were draining him of his fortune, and he came to me for help. We came up with a quick little plan, no big deal, and I got in their and killed a few of them before they relented! It really wasn’t much. And instead of just taking my friend’s money back for him… I took everything they had! And my friend and I split the extra money fifty/fifty.”

TECHNOBLADE

“Oh, Niki’s killed people too? Haha, I knew she would be a good ally. Actually, I think there’s only a few people here that I can’t confirm if they’ve ever murdered anyone. It’s just… I don’t know, a thing people do nowadays?”

RANBOO

“No, I haven’t. Tubbo always has to pull the trigger for me. I would feel bad. But Tubbo doesn’t mind. He likes murder!”

TUBBO

“Yes, I love it! Knives, guns, arson, defenestration, disembowelment, to-“

———-

After the massages, the group were given the opportunity to get their nails cleaned and done. As is protocol, they would pick out a nail polish color and then the spa people would start cleaning up their extremities for their mani-pedi.

George opted to just get clear for his nails, “so they’ll be reenforced,” he’d explained. Fucking loser. But the other three…

“Do you guys all wanna get matching colors?” Niki offered.

“Yeah!” Dream exclaimed. “Uh… you guys can pick, I’ll do whatever you want.”

“George, if we get blue, will you do it too?” Tina asked.

“What, just because you’re doing my favorite color, blue-“

“-Light blue!-“

“, you expect me to do it with you?”

Five minutes later, all four of them were getting their nails done in the same shade of light blue. (Dream nicely asked the spa person to do little smiley faces on top of the blue with black polish. He was absolutely fucking giddy.)

GEORGE

“Everything that I do on this show is to make allies trust me. These three trust me now, so I can get what I want.”

DREAM

“Yeah, George is great! Wh- why do you ask?”

TINA

“Oh, haha, I actually don’t trust him. But I want him to think that I do, that everyone does, so that we can vote him off easily. It’s a good strategy, right?”

NIHACHU

“I wouldn’t call us allies. But I have nothing against him.”

GEORGE

“I’m sure you just cut to all three of them telling you how much they trust me. It works, see?”

————

Back over in the room that Tommy, Tubbo, and Ranboo were in, screams rang out that could be heard in every adjacent room.

“FUCK YOU!” Tommy shouted. “FUCK YOU, RANBOO!”

“I’m so- NO! No, I’m not sorry! You landed on my monopoly! It’s not my fault that it’s got a full hotel!”

“It actually is your fault,” Tubbo chimed in. “You put the hotel there. You bought it.”

“But I didn’t make Tommy land on it! I- I won, fair and square!”

“I HATE YOU RANBOO!” Tommy yelled.

“Do I hear drama?” Billzo said, suddenly appearing in the room. Like bro, how the fuck did he arrive so fast? Did he fucking apparate?

“Just a game of monopoly,” Tubbo replied dismissively.

“Oh. Well, have I got a game for you!”

“What is it?” Ranboo inquired.

“You’re gonna be so glad you asked,” Billzo replied, his eyes narrowing evilly. “Come with me.” He started to lead the trio down a network of hallways. (Or rather, he led Ranboo and Tubbo, and Tubbo carried a kicking and screaming Tommy.)

Billzo flung open the door to an extravagant ballroom and stared at it, arms spread wide. (You could picture someone standing before their greatest creation, or some weird kid from school T-posing. Both images work.)

“This is my game,” he began. “Well, technically, it’s the show’s game. I’m just a normal contestant. But, uh… Jack asked me to get the other contestants in here. It’s a fun little game! Fun! Nothing evil!”

“Well, when someone says there’s nothing evil,” Tubbo said sarcastically. “Surely, nothing about that is evil.”

“Stay here! I’ll be right back!” Billzo slammed the door and left before anyone could object. As Billzo frantically scrambled about the house, finding contestants, Ranboo took it upon himself to explore the room a little bit.

He was not looking where he was going.

He did not see the spring trap rope thing on the ground.

He stepped in it. Foolishly.

It tightened around his ankle and flung him into the air. It released him a couple hundred feet above ground and he started to fall, screaming. But instead of hitting the floor…

He fell into a weird giant bird cage thing that was suspended above the ground, hanging from the ceiling.

“RANBOO? WHAT THE FUCK- HOW DID YOU- ARE YOU OKAY?” Tubbo shouted. Ranboo fruitlessly slapped the cage.

“I’m trapped!” he wailed. As if on cue, Billzo reentered the room with the rest of the contestants in tow.

“Ranboo! I see you’ve found your way into the cage!”

“Wh- can you help get me down?”

“Bup bup bup, that’s the very game we’re playing!” The doors slammed shut, locking. Then, Jack emerged from the shadows.

“WELCOME TO THE ESCAPE ROOM! YOU MUST ALL FIND A WAY OUT IN ONE HOUR, OR THE PERSON IN THE CAGE GETS ELIMINATED FROM THE GAME!”

“WHAT?” Ranboo, Tommy, Tubbo, Techno, Dream, Niki, and Aimsey exclaimed in perfect unison.

“The time starts now. I can grant hints if you need one,” Jack said.

“Okay, tell us how to get out of here and save Ranboo!” Tommy ordered.

“Aww, Tommy, you do like me!”

“Ah- no- no, I don’t like you, I’m still mad. I just hate Jack more than I could ever hate you. I’m not letting his stupid game take you away. I’m the only one who’s allowed to get you voted off.” Ranboo blushed. “DON’T BLUSH! Awww- NO! That’s cringe- I-“

“Tommy, you’re allowed to, like, be happy when you see Ranboo, y’know,” Aimsey stated.

“Yeah!” Tubbo agreed.

“Oh, and I bet that’s what you do? Are you all lovey dovey right now, Tubbo?” Tommy teased.

“Hmm… no.”

“Wha-“ Tommy sputtered. “What do you mean n-“

“Guys! Stop… just stop talking! We can just use our superior intellectual prowess to find a way out of here!” Quackity said.

Five minutes later and everything had already gone to hell. Jack was crying again, Tommy and Aimsey were rolling on the ground, fighting in a battle for superiority, and Techno was helping Tubbo try and blow up the door. Niki and Tina were trying to keep Ranboo from breaking down sobbing, and Dream was trying to get people to help him look for clues.

The trio of fiancés were in fact “looking for clues”, but in reality, were each trying to do something else. Karl was trying to find small shiny things that he could steal and later give to someone else as a gift, Sapnap was just trying to skip the middle man and find the key, rather than any clues, and Quackity was trying to make Techno get injured.

His brilliant plan consisted of chucking a lamp at Techno’s head. But Techno caught it without looking.

TECHNOBLADE

“Even if I hadn’t caught the lamp, it wouldn’t have hit me. Quackity’s aim is horrible. I was protecting Tubbo by catching that lamp.”

———-

Techno put down the lamp and picked up a long metal spear. He walked towards Quackity-

“DON’T STAB HIM!” Karl exclaimed, but instead, Techno just handed the spear to Quackity.

“If you stick the spear in that hole over there and twist it, it’ll open a secret door somewhere with clues,” he told him. Quackity nodded tentatively and walked over to the hole. Dream went over to Techno and whispered in his ear.

“Isn’t that a electricity socket?” he asked.

“Yup.”

Seconds later, Quackity was screaming in agony. As he did that, Techno stared at Dream, examining him. Dream noticed this and flinched away.

“What- why’re- did I do something?”

“Are you homeless?”

DREAM

“What the fuck. What the fuck. Did anyone tell him? I- oh no. I’m gonna get voted out. He- Tech- ahhhhh,” he whined.

———-

“No?” Dream replied, taken aback.

TECHNOBLADE

“I have a sixth sense for this sort of thing. So, there’s two things I can do here. One, get this random poor person voted off, or two…”

———-

“When we get out of this escape room, meet me in the second kitchen.”

“O-okay,” Dream stammered.

The minutes flew by with zero progress made in their escape. Soon, there was five minutes left until Ranboo’s elimination, and everyone was in a panic.

“JACK! GIVE US A FUCKING HINT!” Tommy ordered.

“NO! I’m tired of you talking down to me!”

“THIS IS LITERALLY YOUR JOB! YOU ARE PAID TO BE HERE ON THIS SHOW AND DO AS WE SAY!” Tubbo yelled. Billzo screamed so loudly and so high pitched that a glass broke. (A few people stifled giggles.)

“Guys, I have a plan!” Karl said. He and Techno exchanged a glance, and then Karl went up in a poof of smoke.

“OH MY GOD? IS HE DEAD?” Aimsey gasped.

“No! He’s- Karl? How?” Sapnap sputtered as Karl started to scale the wall as the blob thingy.

“I taught him how to use it,” Techno explained, with an air of superiority about him. “You’re welcome, Quackity.” Q scowled at him.

QUACKITY

“No, I am happy for Karl. This is a good thing, really! No one should have to lose, like, their sentience or whatever, just because Sap and I are so smooth. But it’s just knowing that Techno helped my fiancé out of spite to me…”

AIMSEY

“How out of the loop am I? I- does anyone know what’s happening? Why is everyone so chill with the fact that we’re in a giant room and Ran’s in a giant bird cage and Karl turned into a giant rainbow blob thing and-“

————

Karl got Ranboo out of the cage.

Before he touched down on the ground, he accidentally shifted back, and he and Ranboo crashed onto the ground. The air left their lungs with a soft ‘oof’ but they were fiiiiine.

Just then, Tubbo blew up the door with a Molotov cocktail.

“Fuck yeah!”

They had successfully escaped the room.

“Okay,” Jack said. “Good work. Go eat some fucking food, because we are going to have another elimination shortly!”

The buffet was delightful, and it had all the rich people food, but also the normal shit.

“What is this?” Dream wondered aloud, looking at a shiny pearl-esque food.

“That’s caviar,” Techno answered.

“And caviar is…”

“Fish eggs.”

“EW!”

Techno rolled his eyes lightheartedly. “After the elimination, come to my room instead.”

“Is this just some weird kind of pick up line? Because-“

“No.” Techno stated it so firmly that any words Dream had died in his throat. Techno walked away with a smug smile. (Wait, was Dream fucking trembling? Hahaha, loser.)

Elsewhere in the room, Aimsey approached Billzo and Tommy.

“Hey,” he whispered. “Do you guys wanna cause some chaos?”

BILLZO

“HELL! YES! FUCK! YEAH! LET’S GOOOOOOOOOO-“

———-

“Sure,” Bill replied.

“Always!” Tommy agreed. “Can I go get Tubbso? He loves chaos too.”

“Definitely! Let’s go!” The trio walked over to where Tubbo and Ranboo were browsing the vast selection of fancy cheeses.

“Tubbo, do you wanna cause chaos with us?” Aimsey offered.

“Okay! Oh, but wait…” he turned his voice to a whisper and spoke in Aimsey’s ear. “I don’t wanna leave Ranboo. He’s still emotionally fragile after being imprisoned in a big cage while having a panic attack, completely alone. He can join us, right?”

“Of course, king!” They spun around to Ranboo. “Ran, will you come with us?”

“Oh! Uh, I dunno… I don’t really wanna hurt anyone’s feelings…”

“Peer pressure,” Tommy said.

“Got it,” Billzo and Tubbo replied.

All together, Aimsey, Tubbo, Tommy, and Billzo chanted “join us, join us, join us,” in Ranboo’s ear until he folded like a lawn chair and agreed to help them.

As everyone else sat down and started to eat, Team Chaos (as they had been dubbed by Tommy) hatched a plan.

“Okay, George is our first target, because he’s boring,” Aimsey said.

“B- George? But, he’s George!” Tommy responded.

“So?”

“So he’s George!” Tommy reasoned.

“Oookay… so we’re gonna steal all of his food and replace it with escargot. Ranboo, you’re the distraction. Go up to George and talk to him while we make the switch.”

“Why me?” Ranboo whined.

“You’re the least evil seeming,” Tubbo replied wisely. Ranboo nodded sadly, accepting his fate. And so, Ranboo walked up to George as the other four ran to the buffet to grab all of the snails.

“Hey… George.”

“Hi? What are you doing?”

“N- nothing! I just… wanted to ask you a question.”

“…so ask it?”

“Uh… whodoyouthinkisgonnawintheshow?” he blurted.

“Me,” George replied, like it was obvious. Aimsey waved her arms in the air to get Ranboo’s attention, and then held up the plate of snails. Okay, Ranboo had to distract George extra hard so the plates could be swapped.

“GEORGE! LOOK! JACK HAS A DANCE TO PERFORM FOR YOU!” Ranboo shouted.

“He what?” George spat. Jack suddenly emerged from the shadows.

“I- I never thought this day would come! You really wanna see my dance?”

“N-“

“YES HE DOES!” Ranboo exclaimed, eyes wet with tears and fists clenched.

“Ranboo? Are you okay?” Niki asked.

“Yeah,” Ranboo answered weakly. “I’m gonna- I’m gonna sit down now. Jack- the dance, please?”

Jack pressed a button (just some random button! Where the hell did it come from?) and music started to play. Dramatic, violent, heavy metal music.

“Oh no,” Tina murmured softly.

Jack broke out into dance, limbs flying everywhere. It kinda looked like he was having a seizure or a stroke or something, but it was strangely beautiful.

And the perfect distraction.

Aimsey swapped the plates and ran from the crime scene. As soon as he was in the clear, Tommy sprinted over to Jack and shoved him onto the ground.

“Dance is over. Leave.” Jack was not deterred by Tommy’s rudeness this time as he left.

“Thank you all for watching! I hope you enjoyed! I’m here all week! But you might not be! Haha, try not to get voted off! I’ll see you all in an hour for the elimination!”

“Hey, you know what would be funny?” Bill said to the rest of Team Chaos. “If we all voted for a random person, just for fun. Silly goofy mood.”

“Sure!” Aimsey agreed. Then they all went their separate ways to sit down and eat. Tubbo, who was seated next to his husband, whispered in his ear.

“Ranboo. Vote for Billzo. I- I voted for him last time, and nothing happened! So I wanna see if two votes for him do anything.”

“Okay.”

RANBOO

“Billzo’s really nice though! I don’t want him to get voted off…”

SAPNAP

“I’m going to have nightmares from Jack’s dancing.”

———-

The contestants finished eating (George did not notice that his food was swapped out and he just ate the snails) and then it was time to vote.

Unlike last time, there didn’t seem to be a clear consensus amongst the players. No one was scrambling to speak with one another.

One by one, they went up and cast their votes. Then Jack moved to read them aloud.

“Okay. The first vote… DAMN IT TOMMY! NOT AGAIN!”

“Read the vote out loud, Jack,” Tommy coaxed.

“You can’t vote for me! It doesn’t count!”

“Oh, I know it doesn’t count. I just wanna get on your nerves. Okay, okay, hehehe, read the next one.” Tommy’s devious grin should have told Jack that he was up to something. But Jack picked up the next vote to read.

“JACK? AGAIN? WHO THE FUCK VOTED FOR ME! Tommy- you can’t vote twice!”

“I didn’t! I didn’t! Okay- read the next one.” Jack shot Tommy a look and picked up the next paper.

“Third vote is for… Techno.”

“Wait, no, not that vote, the other one.” Jack put his hand on one of the votes. “Yes, that one! Read it!” Jack rolled his eyes, and-

“ME AGAIN! I SWEAR TO GOD- WHAT THE FUCK! YOU PEOPLE ARE WASTING YOUR VOTES!”

TOMMY, DREAM, AND KARL

The trio couldn’t get any words out through how hard they were laughing. The occasional high five was exchanged.

JACK

“I CAN’T EVEN GET VOTED OUT! AAAAH!” He took a deep breath. “I hate this.”

TOMMY, DREAM, AND KARL

Having finally caught his breath and his ability to speak, Tommy started to talk. “What, did you expect me to vote for anyone beside Jack?”

“I actually think Jack is nice,” Dream said.

“Same,” Karl chimed in. “But Tommy approached us and said it would be funny.”

“AND IT WAS! IT WAS WORTH IT!” Tommy shouted.

“I feel like the three of us’ll be friends,” Dream added.

TOMMY

“Yeah, I guess I’m not allied with them. Yet, anyways. But I’m always on the lookout for people to cause chaos with! I have Team Chaos, and now… uh, I’ll think of a name for me, Karl, and Dream. Come back to me on that.”

AIMSEY

“God, I wish I had voted for Jack. But Billzo said to do someone random, so I just picked the first person who I looked at when I went up to vote.”

———-

“The next vote is for… oh, fuck yes. TOMMY! HA, TAKE THAT!” Tommy scowled.

“There’s no need to be mean to Tommy, Jack,” Niki said.

“Wha- yes there is! He’s always being rude to me!”

“If you fight fire with fire, the world will burn down.”

NIHACHU

“I have actually committed arson before! Just for fun.” She smiled sweetly.

———

“Fine. The next vote is… Aimsey. Then… Techno again. And this one is… Quackity.”

BILLZO

“These votes really are all over the place! Haha, I’m ecstatic!”

———

“This one is for… Niki! Uh… Quackity! And the final vote is for… Niki! Which means we have a tie! Technoblade, Quackity, and Niki each received two votes, resulting in a three-way.”

TUBBO

“I knew it! He didn’t read my vote or Ranboo’s for Billzo! There’s something seriously fucked up going on here.”

———

“How do we break the tie? I mean, we can’t send all three of them home!” Sapnap said.

“Yes we can!” Aimsey replied. “Let’s thin the her-“

“No!” Quackity interjected.

“No, definitely not,” Ranboo agreed. “How about Rock Paper Scissors?”

“With three people?” Niki questioned. “Maybe we could just do a revote.”

QUACKITY

“If we do a revote, they’re definitely gonna vote me off. And I need Techno gone.”

———

“I think if we do a revote, everyone would just vote for Jack,” George said. “So we should just have a competition.”

“Fight to the death? First person to die loses?” Techno offered.

“Yeah!” Tubbo and Dream exclaimed.

“I’d be happy with that,” Niki chimed in.

“YOU CAN’T KILL ME!” Quackity shouted.

“Well, we could,” Techno responded. “It would be pretty easy.”

“Even in hand to hand combat with no weapons, Techno and I could both beat you easily,” Niki said.

“Yeah, okay, that’s why we’re not doing a fight to the death!”

“Guys, please, calm yourselves! I have a decision,” Jack stated. “I’m simply going to grab one of the votes, and the person who’s name is on it goes home.”

He reached into the pile of notes and grabbed one. Slowly, painstakingly, he unfolded it.

“The person… who is… elim… in… ated… is…”

“FUCKING SAY IT ALREADY!”

“NIKI!” Jack read.

“NO!” Techno exclaimed. “Niki? Really? I mean- shouldn’t it be Quackity?”

“I disagree with that statement,” Quackity said. “But, shouldn’t it be Techno?”

“No, it’s fine,” Niki replied. “I’m voted off, fairly so. Good game, guys!”

“Bye Niki!” Tommy yelled, waving enthusiastically.

“Is there anyone you want us to get voted off?” Tubbo offered as Niki stood up to leave.

“Uh… I don’t really hate anyone. But I do have advice for everyone. Make sure you only vote for someone who you want to have leave. Vote off people who pose a danger to your win. And best of luck!”

“Bye,” Ranboo said sadly. And then, Niki left.

AIMSEY

“I didn’t want Niki to go!” he sobbed. “I didn’t think that a little bit of chaos would make the wrong person get eliminated!”

BILLZO

“I was the other vote for Niki.” You could hear the smug smile in his voice, even if you couldn’t see it displayed plainly on his face.

————

That night, Dream slipped out of his room and into the dark hallways, finding his way to Techno’s room. He found the door and knocked softly. After the second knock, Techno opened the door and yanked Dream in.

“Woah- hey!” Dream gasped. He took a shuttering breath. “Please don’t do that.” Techno was all business.

“So. You’re homeless?”

“No! I have a house!”

“… really,” Techno replied in disbelief.

“Yeah! I do!”

“Is it this house?”

“…”

“Oh god, it is! You’re homeless!” Dream slumped down onto the bed and put his head in his hands, curling up into a ball.

“Please don’t tell anyone,” he mumbled, his voice muffled by his hands. Techno stared at the smaller boy, examining him, deep in thought.

“How did you even get on the show? You’re not rich.”

“I- they- uh… well…” Dream rolled over on the bed, shoving his face into the blankets. “Theykidnappedme,” he muttered.

“Sorry? I didn’t hear you.”

“I was kidnapped! Ha- the people told me it was just ‘for content’! I didn’t- well, I still don’t have a choice to be here!”

“Huh.” The two sat in silence for a moment. “Are you doing okay?” A faint sniffle could be heard from Dream’s form.

“Yep. Just fine.”

TECHNOBLADE

“Does bein’ kidnapped give someone trauma? I- I genuinely don’t know how to talk to poor people. Like, actually talk, as if we’re equals. Dream is a surprisin’ly interesting person. Do you people have any, like, advice?”

———-

“… Dream? If you, uh, need someone… I can help ya out.” Dream sat up and smiled.

“Thanks, Techno.” Suddenly, with horrible timing, Jack entered the room.

“I heard talking,” he said.

“Y- yeah? Because we were talking?” Dream replied.

“Obviously.” Jack rolled his eyes. “What I mean to say is, it’s night time. You should be sleeping. Not talking. It’s not allowed.”

“Oh, sor-“

“You can’t tell us what to do! Who do you think you are?” Techno asked.

Jack started to tear up. “Just because Tommy’s a dick doesn’t mean everyone needs to be.”

“Just leave us to our business,” Techno replied curtly. Jack sighed resignedly.

“Fine. Just… don’t make a lot of noise.”

“We won-“

“We’ll make noise if we want,” Techno interjected. Jack left without another word.

“Techno! That-“

“Dream, I didn’t mean to interrupt you there, I’m sorry, but with people like Jack, you’ve just gotta be firm, and-“

“No, you don’t need to explain yourself! That- that was awesome!” Techno grinned.

“Really?”

“Yeah! Dude, you’re so good at that! It’s no wonder you’re so wealthy!”

Techno chuckled. “You’re not so bad yourself.”

“Oh! Actually, do you wanna see a cool trick?”

“…sure?”

“Mud doesn’t taste good.”

“Wh-“

“Shhh, just wait.” A few seconds later, Tommy burst into the room.

“WHO SAID THAT?”

“Who said what?” Techno asked.

“The- about mud!”

“That it doesn’t taste good? You can’t eat mud!”

“HOW DARE-“

“Tommy, have you been eating mud? Seriously?”

Tommy averted his gaze to the ground. “Mayyybe.”

TOMMY

“Yes, I have eaten mud. There’s nothing wrong with it! It has minerals! Those are good for you!”

DREAM

“I ate a few rocks as a kid, but I’ve never had mud. … Okay, fine! I’ll admit it! I ate a rock a week before getting kidnapped! So sue me!”

————

“Wait, Tommy, how did you know that Dream was talking about mud?”

“I have, like, a superpower. I can always tell. It might be all the mud I’ve eaten going to my brain.”

“Why does everyone have weirdly obscure superpowers?” Dream whined.

“Wait, everyone? Someone else has one?” Both sets of eyes turned to Techno. Tommy, inquisitively, and Dream, with an expression of concern.

“Yeah,” Techno slowly replied, almost cautiously. “I can tell if someone’s wealthy or not, with almost perfect accuracy.”

“Really? Wow, that’s amazing! Okay wait, do me, do me!”

Techno rolled his eyes. “You’re obviously a multi-millionaire, Tommy. That’s part of the criteria to be in this show.”

“Oh. Yeah. Right. Can you sense poor people? Like Spiderman, but less good?”

Techno was about to say no. The answer was no. However, he heard footsteps coming from the hallway, so he decided to play with Tommy.

“Yes, I can. In fact, there’s one outside our door right now.” Tommy’s eyes lit up and he sprinted to the door, flinging it open. And who was there but Jack, coming to yell at them for being too loud.

“Tommy! What the hell are you doing here?”

“Oh my god, Techno was right! A poor person!”

… Apparently, Jack has had enough. He slammed the door on Tommy and the trio could hear it lock. Tommy jiggled the doorknob but the door didn’t budge.

“That fucker trapped us!” Tommy exclaimed, almost astonished.

“Am I the only person who’s concerned that all these doors lock from the outside? That’s pretty concerning,” Dream remarked.

“Well, they’re not going to do anything to us. There’s cameras everywhere, even on us right now! Plus, we’re wealthy and influential. If we were to get, like, tortured, all the stans would come for the people working on this show’s heads,” Techno reasoned.

“Y’know what this means,” Tommy said. “Sleepover!”

“Oh god no,” Techno groaned.

“It’s more like babysitting,” Dream added.

“Yeah, me watching you!” Tommy retorted. “Cuz I’m the biggest man ever.”

“Only a child would say that,” Dream replied. Techno nodded in agreement.

“Well fuck you too!” Tommy sat down and sighed. “So, uh, what do you guys wanna do?”

“Sleep,” Techno said. Tommy gave a thumbs up and threw himself into Techno’s bed.

“Woah, Technoblade, your bed is soft! It’s way better than mine, do you think you can trade rooms with me?”

“No. And you’re not sleeping in my bed. You and Dream both.”

“Wait, what’d I do?”

“You haven’t done anything. I just don’t wanna share a bed with either of you people who I’ve known for a few days. It’s just awkward.”

“I don’t think it’s awkward,” Dream mumbled under his breath.

“So where do you expect us to sleep?” Tommy asked. “Because I’m not going on the floor. It’s like you said, I’m just too wealthy for that.” Tommy said this in such a tone where you have no idea whether he’s being serious or joking. Kids these days, amiright?

“You can go in a chair.”

“I’M NOT SLEEPING IN YOUR STUPID CHAIR!” Tommy yelled.

“Tommy, calm. I don’t want Jack to come back and get mad again!” Dream said.

“Dream, let me give you a word of advice. Just do whatever you want without regarding anyone else! Wait, that makes me sound like a dick. Uh- wait… okay, so, it’s important to try and be happy, y’know? Don’t worry too much about what the Jacks of the world think of you. He’s insignificant, and he shouldn’t make you worried,” Tommy told him.

“I don’t know if that’s-“

“No, I’m right.” The three stayed there for a few beats of silence before Tommy spoke again. “So, should we build a pillow fort?”

To summarize, let’s just say that Techno didn’t sleep with any blankets or pillows that night.

DAY THREE

Jack woke up to the sun shining and birds chirping. He wasn’t forgetting anything, thank you very much. He had a job to do, today. He didn’t have time to make sure every door in the mansion was unlocked.

BILLZO

“For the third day, I wanna cause some divisions amongst the people. The only opposing contestants are Techno and Q! I need to spark hatred between everyone. And there’s only one way to do that.”

———

“Today’s challenge day!” Jack exclaimed to the crowd of exhaustion millionaires who had just woken up (save for three who were apparently not going to be participating today).

“It’s six in the morning, Jack,” Tubbo groaned. “We haven’t even had breakfast yet.”

“You have to earn your breakfast!“

“No we don’t,” Sapnap said. Everyone left to go eat. After an hour, they slowly trickled back into the room where Jack had been patiently waiting.

“Challenge day!” Jack exclaimed again.

“Should I ask what that is?” Tina whispered in Karl’s ear. “Or maybe we should just ignore him and then not have to do th-“

“Tina! I’m so glad you asked! Challenge day is a day where I divide you up into teams of four and you compete in a series of tasks designed to push you to the limit!”

“No one wants to do that,” Quackity stated.

“You’re just sad because you’re gonna lose,” Sapnap retorted. All of a sudden, Quackity was ready and excited for Challenge day.

“Maybe we should do teams of three,” Aimsey said. “Because there’s only nine people here.”

“Everyone, stop talking!” Jack snapped. “I worked really hard on this idea.”

AIMSEY

“I think some people are missing. Maybe they died. … Oh well, that’s more of a chance that I win!”

———-

“Can we pick teams?” George asked.

“Y-“ Jack started, but he was immediately cut off by Billzo.

“No!”

BILLZO

“If they pick teams, they’ll be with people they get along with! We can’t have that, no no no!”

JACK

“Free will is just an illusion.”

———-

“Okay, uh, I’ll pick the teams!” Jack said. He slyly snook a glance over to Billzo, who yelled at him with his eyes. Jack nodded. “Team one is Sapnap, Billzo, and Ranboo. Two is Quackity, George, and Tubbo. The third is Aimsey, Karl, and Tina.”

BILLZO

“What’s that? You don’t think these teams are very drama filled? Well, you’re wrong. … Unless you’re right, which would suck for me.”

———-

“Dude, we’re totally gonna win!” Sapnap said.

SAPNAP

“I’m not gonna say this to their faces, but my team sucks. For challenges, they gave me a pretty weak group of people. But… I’ll make it work.”

RANBOO

“I’m honestly a little scared of Sapnap.”

AIMSEY

“I feel like the people on this show are trying to stir up drama. But Tina and Karl are both chill, if not a little biased to chaos, so the three of us will definitely vibe.”

QUACKITY

“This is the perfect way to one up Sapnap and Karl without actually worsening their lives in any way! I don’t know if you know this about me, but I’m pretty competitive. And I’m gonna win. Even if I am condemned to having George on my team.”

GEORGE

“No, I don’t really intend to participate.”

————-

“Follow me for the first challenge, teams!” Jack instructed. He led the teams through the mansion to one of the house’s kitchens. “The first challenge is cooking! Whichever team makes me the best breakfast will win the first round!”

“What? No, we’re not cooking for you,” Tubbo stated.

“But it’s the perfect challenge! You guys obviously don’t cook for yourselves, so it’s perfect!” Nine pairs of eyes gave Jack a death stare. “Oh, did I mention that the first team to get two wins can’t be voted off toni-“

“LET’S GET THIS STARTED! GO GO GO GO GO!” Sapnap prompted. Jack was shoved to the ground as the teams were off to the races. Tubbo pulled his team to the corner and started outlining his plan for an elaborate dish he wanted to make. Quackity was completely lost and George, entirely apathetic.

Sapnap and Billzo were really excited for the competition, but had no actual culinary talent whatsoever. Ranboo, on the other hand…

“I actually make dinner for Tubbo and I sometimes! When I was a kid, my servants taught me how to cook while my parents were off on separate business trips. Sometimes one would come home wearing the same outfit as when they left and then my other parent would get all suspicious and they’d be like ‘why do you smell like a different perfume?’ and then-“

“Woah, okay, Ranboo, chill,” Billzo interrupted. “You can cook?” Ranboo nodded vehemently. Bill and Sapnap exchanged a glance that could only mean ‘let’s put this guy to work’.

“It’s like child labor but legal and better!” Sapnap exclaimed.

On the other side of the kitchen, Aimsey, Karl, and Tina decided that they wanted to sabotage the other groups, maybe do a bit of cheating.

“I feel like making good toast isn’t a skill,” Karl said. “Even if I make really, really good toast.”

“What if you make toast, and I pour an entire bag of sugar into whatever Billzo’s making?” Aimsey offered.

“What if Jack likes sugar, though? It’s important to know your judges,” Tina chimed in.

TINA

“I watch a lot of cooking shows while my staff makes dinner! Anything with Gordon Ramsey, and I’m in.”

KARL

“I’ve actually met Gordon Ramsey! Or should I say, he met me. Or wait… it might have actually just been a dream. …I don’t remember.”

———-

“We could go ask Jack what his favorite breakfast is?” Karl suggested.

“I’ll do that. You start making toast,” Aimsey ordered. Karl nodded and ran to go get bread. Aimsey found Jack on the ground, as he hadn’t moved since he was shoved. They grabbed his hand and lifted him up off the ground.

“Thanks, Aim-“

“Tell me what your favorite food is or Tina over there will gut you like a fish.” Tina, having heard her name, waves at them. Jack nervously waved back, sweat beading on his very bald head. Imagine being bald? Cringe.

“I don’t really have a favorite food.”

“Bullshit,” Sapnap said, suddenly appearing behind Jack. “Everyone has a favorite food.”

“I fully don’t!” Jack protested.

“You don’t even have some preferences that could put one team above another?” Aimsey asked.

SAPNAP

He gasped. “Those fuckers are trying to get ahead by using things Jack likes! How dare they? … Oh, forcing Ranboo to do everything counts as cheating too? No it doesn’t! I’ll buy your rules and change them!”

————

“I guess I like… beans?”

“FOR BREAKFAST? THAT’S DISGUSTING!” Sapnap exclaimed.

“No it’s not? It’s pretty normal,” Aimsey replied.

“Oh what the fuck, what kind of dystopian world is th-“

“Sapnap! I got all the beans off the shelf!” Billzo shouted. “Come over here, we’re opening the cans for Ranboo!”

“Oh no, you are not getting all the beans!” Aimsey snapped.

Cue Aimsey, Sapnap, and Billzo having a fight with cans of beans, over cans of beans. Bruises would form.

Meanwhile, Tubbo and Quackity struggled to make their three tier dessert pastry.

“Okay, one tier is lemon cake, and the second one is coffee cake, and for the third, I’m thinkin’ we actually make it a danish! And-“

“Tubbo, please, I don’t even know how to make toast! That’s Karl’s thing.”

“He’s not gonna win, and neither is Ranboo’s team. We’re going to bake like our lives are on the line, because they ARE.”

“What?”

“I will stab you if we don’t have a cake on the table by the end of this competition.” Quackity stared into Tubbo’s eyes for any hints of humor, but found none. And Tubbo stared back into his eyes, and noted pure terror.

Good. Tubbo could use that to his advantage.

TUBBO

“I’ve had a lot of people in my life tell me that violence isn’t the answer. I’m not gonna be cringe and say ‘violence isn’t the answer, it’s the question, and the answer is yes’, but you know what I’m thinking.”

GEORGE

“Violence? More like violins. …… No, there wasn’t a point to me saying that. Why do you ask?”

———-

An hour (approximately) later, their time was up! Sapnap, Billzo, and Ranboo were up first to present their breakfast. Ranboo carried out a plate with hundreds of different types of beans on them. With shaking limbs, he gave the food to Jack.

“What’s this?”

“Beans.”

“No, but, w-“

“Beans.”

“O-okay…” Jack dramatically lifted the spoon to his mouth. Billzo and Sapnap watched with bated breath even though they didn’t really do anything.

“These are good beans.”

“AYYYYYYYYYY!” Sapnap and Bill celebrated, lifting Ranboo up into the air. (He crashed to the ground moments later, but the few seconds of happiness were great.)

Next was Tubbo, Quackity, and George. Surprisingly, the cake actually looked… good?

“What the fuck?” The cake was beautifully frosted with pastels colors and topped with flowers. “How did you make this in an hour?”

“Talent,” George replied, very matter-of-factly.

“What talent?” Jack muttered as he brought his fork down on the cake. As soon as the (metal) fork made contact with the ‘cake’…

Everything went black. The room was completely dark.

TUBBO

“The cake wasn’t a cake at all. We decided to make a device that would electrocute Jack.”

——-

“Jack! You don’t deserve our cakes! You’re not even worthy of Ranboo’s beans. I don’t know where Tommy is, so I’m taking over his job. Fuck you, Jack.”

Jack started to cry. When the lights came back on, he had already run out of the room crying. Tubbo gave his teammates a shit-eating grin.

“Did I take it too far?” Tubbo asked sheepishly.

“No,” George answered.

Anyways. No further discussion. Tina’s team doesn’t even get to go. The beans won. We move on, boys.

SAPNAP

“WE’RE GONNA WIN! LETS FUCKING GO!”

———

“The premise of this next game is simple,” Jack said, suddenly wearing an all white suit. “I have hidden twenty nerf guns in this room and one real gun. Whoever finds the real gun first and shoots this punching dummy in the head wins for their team!”

“That’s fun!” Tina exclaimed.

“Gun,” Sapnap mumbled, his southernness making him salivate.

“Keep your fiancé in check!” Tubbo told Karl lightheartedly, nudging his shoulder. Karl pat Sapnap on the head and reset him to be normal (as opposed to Yeehaw because it works like that).

“He’s so fucking whipped,” Billzo remarked. Everyone immediately turned to stare at him. Some, with disgust, and others, sheer amusement. “What? I- okay, I don’t know what that means, but-“

“POINT AND LAUGH!” Quackity shouted, and everyone did that. A few moments later, the hilariousness of someone not knowing a word died down and Jack got their attention again.

“Let the game begin!”

Of course, everything immediately became chaos as the contestants started to look for guns. Tubbo immediately found one and shot it at the ceiling to test. A nerf gun, much to his disappointment.

George was second to acquire one, and he aimed it at the dummy. Sadly, it was another nerf gun.

“Hey!” Tubbo exclaimed. “Aimsey! Look over there, a bird!”

“Where?” they asked, turning around. Cackling, Tubbo took that opportunity to shoot her.

“Oh, fuck me!” Aimsey scoffed and ran over to a corner in the room, which conveniently held another nerf gun.

“YOU’LL HAVE TO BUY ME DINNER FIRST!” Karl shouted.

“KARL YOU HAVE TWO FIANCÉS!” Tina replied.

“IT’S JUST A JOKE! LIKE WHEN YOU SAY YOU SURE HOPE THE ROAD AHEAD WORKS!”

“You better not cheat on us with the road,” Quackity said.

“I wouldn’t dream of it,” Karl responded.

“STOP CARING ABOUT EACH OTHER AND GET GUNS!” Billzo yelled, holding and firing off a nerf gun in each hand.

And then, you guessed it, shit went crazy. The contestants devolved into a full out nerf war. Bullets flew in every direction, people were screaming, and no one had found the real gun yet.

“Oh shit, I’m out of bullets!” Aimsey exclaimed. They quickly grabbed another gun and cocked it. (He did not notice the lack of orange tip on his new gun.)

Aimsey pointed the gun at Ranboo and-

BANG!

“OH MY GOD HE’S DEAD? NO!”

“HOLY SHIT!”

“AIMSEY YOU KILLED HIM!”

Everyone stared at Ranboo’s dead body on the ground. And watched in mild horror as a ghost seemed to climb out of his slightly agape mouth.

“Hey guys! What’s up?” the ghost said.

“What the actual hell,” George breathed.

“I’m Ghostboo! Or you can just call me Boo. Get it? Because that’s what ghosts say?”

“Well… he’s definitely still like Ranboo,” Quackity said, patting Tubbo on the back.

“I’m better than Ranboo! That guy sucked! Another day, another slay. Get it? Because he died?” Billzo tried to choke back his laughter. He tried.

And failed.

“A- Aimsey, you’ve killed my husband,” Tubbo stated numbly.

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to-“

“And replaced him with the exact same guy but better! I’m so happy!”

“What?”

“Yeah! I am better! Look at how attractive I am!” Ghostboo exclaimed. “And my personality is the best. Ask everyone. Plus, I can fly now! And I don’t have crippling anxiety or thought spirals that eternally tighten and leave no room for joy!”

“Slay?” Karl replied. Everyone else was dumbstruck.

“So, uh,” Jack started. “Killing another contestant is against the rules. I’m afraid we’re gonna have to eliminate you from the show.”

“What? But he’s fine! He’s literally standing right there next to Tubbo!” Aimsey protested.

“Yeah, but he’s also dead,” Jack replied. “So you’re eliminated.”

“That’s not fair! Everyone here has killed someone!”

“Yeah, but the real crime is killing rich people,” Sapnap said.

“Fuck, you got me there.” She sighed wistfully. “I’ll miss you all. Ranboo, I’m sorry for killing you.”

“It’s chill, dude, don’t worry about it.”

“Tubbo, I’m s-“

“Don’t be!” Tubbo gave Ghostboo a huge hug. “Seriously! Look at this guy!” Ghostboo was the epitomy of attractive-ness in Tubbo’s eyes.

“Uh, okay. Everyone else… good luck! I still think I’m better than all of you, but I hope you have fun on the rest of the show!”

“Bye, king! I hope that you don’t get any jail time!” Tina said.

“Oh, she definitely won’t. I will make sure of it. Aimsey has changed my life for the BETTER,” Tubbo replied.

“I don’t think that’s how the law works,” Jack mentioned.

“The law works however we want it to work,” Sapnap snapped back.

“He’s not wrong,” Karl chimed in.

And with that, Aimsey left to get his things and go.

“Good work today, contestants!” Jack said. “You live to play on another day!”

“I’m not living!” Ghostboo remarked.

“Yeah, about that? Ghosts can’t win the show.”

“Hmm… okay, that’s fine. Can I still stay here?”

BILLZO

“Hell yes he can! It’s good content!”

———

“Yeah, sure.”

“Pog!”

TUBBO

“This truly is the best day of my life. Ghostboo is the partner of my dreams. I love everything about him.”

GHOSTBOO

“Of course I love Tubbo! I have all of Ranboo’s memories, y’know. I’m just less cringe than he was.”

TINA

“I don’t think anyone would have trauma from seeing the life drain from Ranboo’s eyes. He’s fine now, so, like…”

AIMSEY

“This is my last interview. I just kinda wanna apologize again for killing Ranboo? I dunno, I guess it’s no big deal-“

TUBBO

“I LOVE HIM!”

AIMSEY

“- but I still feel a little sad murdering a friend of mine. And even sadder that it cost me my chance for all the money!” She sighed sadly. “Anyways, life goes on. Except for Ranboo, lol.”

SAPNAP

“I didn’t get voted off today. That’s all that matters.”

DREAM

“Can someone please let us out of the room now? Please?”

DAY FOUR

The sun came up on the mansion, and as always, it shined brighter for the wealthy. And today, The Real Housewives crew was holding a party for the contestants!

BILLZO

“Parties for the wealthy. You see them in the media. The commoners all gawk at these famous people’s outfits, judge them, and keep up on all the antics. And here, we haven’t gotten enough drama yet. So today, I’m having all the contestants dress up fancily, and I’m planting some seeds of rivalry!”

———

“WAKE UP MOTHERFUCKERS!!!” Jack shouted, banging a pot and pan together as he marched down the sleeping quarters hall. “IT’S PARTY TIME!”

“Jack,” a muffled voice called out from behind a (locked) door. “Can you let us out of here?”

“No,” Jack replied definitively.

“Jack? Do you have people locked in that room?” George asked, walking up behind him.

“George! Hey! What’s up, man? Are you ready for the party today?”

“Are you changing the subject?” Sapnap interrogated, because apparently he was right behind George. Where do these people come from? It’s almost like they just materialize to make Jack’s life harder! But surely, no one else is-

“You should NEVER change the subject on George. He’s too precious to have to deal with that,” Quackity stated.

“Did you just hurt Gogy in any way?” Tina asked, running over.

“How dare you!” Billzo exclaimed. “Gogy is perfect. You are scum.” Jack sighed deeply.

“Fine. I’ll let them out. I guess.” Jack took a small key out of his pocket and unlocked the door. Behind it, Dream and Tommy were arguing about which of the three of them would make the best sacrifice while Techno tried to suffocate himself with a pillow.

“Mood,” Sapnap said, pointing to Tommy and Dream.

“Mood,” George said, pointing to Techno.

“Mood,” Quackity said, pointing to himself. Everyone gave him a confused look. “I just wanted to be included.”

TOMMY

“In the painful hours that I was trapped in the room with The Blade and Green Boi, I was enlightened. I realized that the only way to get ahead in the world isn’t to be better than other people. It’s to convince them that you’re better! So naturally, that stemmed to Dream and I starting our own religion. And every good religion has sacrifice!”

DREAM

“We had to do our first sacrifice, but we only had the three of us as options! So we argued the merit of each of us being the first one. After a lot of discussion, we landed on Techno being the best sacrifice. He’s strong, cool, rich, cool, and neither of us! So we asked him if we could sacrifice him, and he said no.”

TECHNOBLADE

“If anyone’s getting sacrificed, it’s Quackity.”

QUACKITY

“Why did you ask me if I ever intend to be sacrificed? Of course not! … This is that morherfucker Technoblade’s doing, isn’t it?”

———-

“Okay, since I guess most of you are here, I-“

“I can go get everyone else!” Sapnap offered. “Stay right here!” Before Jack could protest, Sapnap was gone.

“Sooooo…” Billzo started. “We just stand here and wait? What if instead, we went around and said our least favorite thing about everyone here!”

“That’s a really weird request,” Tina pointed out.

“I’ll start!” Quackity volunteered. “I hate Technoblade because of everything about him. What I hate about Tommy is that he likes Techno. What I hate about Tubbo is that he likes Techno. What I hate about Dream is that he likes Techno. What I hate about-“

“Okay, who’s next?”

“I think this isn’t a very entertaining game to be playing,” Tina said.

“I’ll go!” Tommy exclaimed. “I hate that Techno wouldn’t let me and Dream sacrifice him. I hate everyone in the world besides George for not being as perfect as George. But more than anything, I hate Jack. JACK-“

“Oh look at that!” Jack interrupted. “Sapnap is back, and he has everybody! I’m gonna explain how today’s gonna go now! And we’re not gonna talk about hating me.” Tommy pouted.

“You don’t have to explain anything,” Karl replied. “We’ve all been to galas and such.”

“O-oh,” Jack sighed.

“As long as we have something to wear,” Ghostboo added. “I couldn’t fathom showing up at a party in everyday clothes!”

Ghostboo’s outfit that he currently had on was anything but boring. He had a tan vest that perfectly fit his form and made him look incredibly Gender (as we all strive to look). His plaid skirt matched it perfectly, and the white collared shirt was somehow without any wrinkles, stains, or hairs stuck to it. An amazing feat. Even his shoes matched, and the outfit was perfect down to the white socks that stayed perfectly halfway up his thigh.

“Right. Everyday clothes.” Tommy rolled his eyes. Tommy, who was in a green t-shirt and jeans. (Sure, the shirt was probably a thousand dollars, and everyone knew it, and the shirt was comfy, which was what actually matters…

But Ghostboo was just Cool!)

TUBBO

“That’s my husband :D”

BILLZO

“Wait, roll the clip again. … Again. … HOW THE FUCK IS HE SAYING THE EMOTICON?”

————-

Ghostboo tossed his perfectly bouncy, fluffy, styled hair (oh god I wish I was him) and stared at Jack.

“Do you have a plan for the party tonight?”

“Y- yeah, I was about to get into that. Uh… I’m gonna have the crew bring clothes into each of your rooms. The party is at four. Arrive on time.”

TUBBO

“I went into my room to find a suit and an emerald green dress shirt. It matches one of Boo’s eyes! And to top it off, red hair clips! To match his other eye! I’m so happy right now.”

GHOSTBOO

“My suit is Tubbo’s eye color. To be honest, it’s not the color I would have chosen, but it makes him happy stim so much, it’s worth it.”

TOMMY AND BILLZO

“WE GOT THE SNAZZIEST SUITS EVER!”

“Mine has a red tie!” Tommy exclaimed.

“Mine has a shirt that says I Heart Milfs! And the heart is Tommy’s same red!” Billzo gushed.

“We’re matching!”

BILLZO

“Audiences love wholesomeness as much as they love scandals. My plan is gonna bring both.” He started to laugh maniacally.

GEORGE

He wordlessly held up a neon green tie with an unamused scowl. “You’re not making me wear this.”

DREAM AND TINA

“WE! GOT! MATCHING! GREEN! OUTFITS!”

“Mine’s plain green and it has a green sweater that I’m gonna wear over it, and Tina’s dress is sleeveless with the exact same pattern! And, get this, it matches George’s tie!“

“I’m so excited!”

GEORGE

“Oh, it does? … Fine, I’ll wear the tie.” He smiled, looking down at it.

SAPNAP

“Dude, I hate wearing suit jackets. So when Karl an’ I found that we had matching clothes for the party tonight, he said neither of us would wear them! His collar shirt looks just like an eighties rug in a roller rink, and my tie is the same.”

KARL

“LOOK AT THIS SHIRT! IT’S SO COOL, OH MY GOD! AND SAPNAP IS GONNA MATCH! Ahh! I’m so excited!! Although, I am wondering if Q is matching with us too. I hope so. I haven’t seen him yet, though.”

QUACKITY

“I saw everyone walking around, matching someone else. And so I thought, surely, surely I would be matching my fiancés. We could match in a group of three because I know Tina, Dream, and George are doing the same. But then I saw it. Or rather, I saw HIM.”

TECHNOBLADE

“Who the hell made my outfit match Quackity?”

QUACKITY AND TECHNOBLADE

“WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS?” Quackity shouted.

“We look ridiculous,” Techno added. “Come on. Matching suits? And red, too?“

“Yeah, that’s Tommy’s thing. Plus, Technoblade and I hate each other!”

“This is humiliating.”

————

“Okay, I’ve finally finished setting up the party room,” Jack said to himself. “Hopefully the contestants will get here soon.”

“It’s three minutes to four, so they’ll be here shortly,” Billzo replied from the lawn chair he’d been lounging in as Jack worked his ass off. “Anyways, I have an evil plan.”

BILLZO

“I’m not telling you the plan in a sound bit! You’ll see it in action in like, one minute. Patience, bitch.”

———-

The contestants filed into the room, all looking generally happy except for the obvious two who weren’t.

“This room looks amazing,” Dream breathed in awe. Tina watched his eyes wander the room in childlike wonder with a grin.

“Dream’s adorable. And I don’t mean in an ‘attraction’ sort of way. I mean he’s like a puppy, or a little kid!” Tina whispered to George. “Look, his eyes practically have stars in them.” At that precise moment, Dream tripped and fell onto the ground.

“You’re an idiot,” George said.

“Aww, George using idiot as a term of endearment again?” Sapnap teased.

“Shut up, Snapmap.”

“You know you love us.”

“He definitely does!” Quackity agreed.

“Aren’t you literally matching with Technoblade right now?” George retorted. Quackity’s amiable gaze hardened.

“Don’t fucking start.” Karl, Sapnap, and Dream started to cackle.

TECHNOBLADE

“Dream’s makin’ it too obvious that he’s new to all of this. Luckily for him, he’s surrounded by idiots who find him endearing. …… No I don’t find him endearing! I said THEY do, not me! … Stop, don’t accuse me of that. It’s bad enough that you people made me match with Q. I could strangle one of you.”

———-

“Hello, fellow millionaires!” Billzo announced, standing on a table and clinking a glass. “I have something to tell you all! I’m going to psychoanalyze all of you!“

“Why,” Tubbo stated. It should’ve been phrased as a question. It really wasn’t, though.

“Well, I thought it would be funny to make up little scenarios about you guys based off of how I’ve seen you act and interact so far.”

“So, you’re making fanfiction about us,” Sapnap said.

“N- no! I’ve never written fanfiction in my life! Ever!”

“He has a Wattpad dedicated to Thomas the Tank Engine, I’m calling it now,” Tommy teased.

“AND HOW WOULD YOU KNOW WHAT WATTPAD IS IF YOU DON’T HAVE IT?”

“You don’t have to have Wattpad to know what it is!” Tommy countered. This is true. Wattpad is bad. Ao3 is good.

TOMMY

“I do have Wattpad, though. How else would I know that Billzo writes Thomas the Tank Engine x Mummy Pig from Peppa Pig? … Okay, that part was a joke. I don’t even know who Bill, like, is. I’ve never read anything on Wattpad! I- I mean it!”

QUACKITY

“People who read fanfiction are weird.” He stared right at you from your webcam and examined your face intently. “Weird,” he confirmed.

BILLZO

“I’m just trying to start up drama! Not write fanfics! I mean it!”

————

“Just- ugh- shut up! Let me-“

“Everyone, let him talk about his fanfiction,” Karl interrupted. “I’m sure he worked very hard on it. We don’t want to disrespect him.”

“Thanks,” Billzo grumbled. “Shall I begin?”

“Literally none of us care, but you can,” George replied.

“No one likes you, George,” Billzo retorted. “Now-“

“People like George!” Dream defended.

“Ew, I hate DNF,” Quackity muttered.

“What’s DNF?” Dream asked innocently. God, he’d be lucky if he never found out.

“I’M DOING MY FIC THING NOW, EVERYONE SHUT UP! Okay, so…” He took a deep breath. “If Karlnapity were to go to the movies-“

“Karlnapity?” Karl questioned.

“Our ship name,” Sapnap answered.

“Then I think Quackity would wanna see a horror movie and Sapnap would agree and so they’d go despite the fact that Karl wanted to see an animated movie because he’s still happy with anything, y’know? But Sapnap only agreed because he wanted to seem cool. So they pull up and Karl fully expects to be terrified, and Quackity promises to hold his hand, which he does! But Sapnap is scared out of his fucking wits, and hides his face in Karl’s shirt the entire time.”

“Fuck off, I would not!” Sapnap exclaimed.

“And if Tommy, Tubbo, and Ranboo-“

“-Ghostboo-“

“-were to go to the movies, they’d pay for a kids movie and try and sneak into an adult movie even though they’re adults anyways. But then they’d see what the adult movie was actually about and they’d run out of there screaming and then Tubbo would rob the snack shack and they’d feast on stolen candy.”

“You’ve put a weird amount of thought into this,” Tubbo remarked.

“Techno and Wilbur would be pretentious motherfucks and would see some film in another language, and it would be a commentary on society.”

“Wilbur was voted out first, why is he even in this?” Techno asked. “But you’re not wrong.”

“Furthermore, if all of you people were to go to one of those newfangled rooms that you pay just to leave-“

“An escape room?” Dream questioned.

“Yeah, yeah, that. I feel like George would do all the work while everyone else fucked around. Like, he’d actually escape the room, and Tommy would probably die, and-“

“Hey! I would not die,” Tommy protested.

“Dying isn’t that bad,” Ghostboo said. Tommy scoffed.

“Stop interrupting me,” Billzo practically growled, like some common furry. Weirdchamp. “But yeah, George is just the smartest and most scheming, you know him.”

BILLZO

“Hehehehehe. You all see my plan now? I’ve planted those little seeds. Now, anyone who thinks they’re smart will want George gone. And I want him out of this game. He’s too boring, and too… attractive. He’s taking the fan edits away from me! Fuck him. But even if he doesn’t go, I’m still making drama. It’s a win win.”

—————

“Imagine not even getting mentioned,” Tina whispered to Dream.

“Right? I mean, are we the side characters?” he replied.

“You are,” Tommy stated, materializing behind them.

“Tommy! Stop appearing near me whenever I talk to anyone!” Dream exclaimed.

“I can’t have you getting more screen time than me, Dream. God only knows that the fans love my rugged good looks and incredible personality.”

“No? I don’t think anyone thinks that?” Tina said.

“Yes they do!” Tommy shrieked.

“What’s he on about?” Sapnap asked, coming over.

“He thin-“

“I’m the most attractive one on the show. Well, second most: Ghostboo.”

“What about George?” Sapnap inquired.

“Fine. Third most.”

“Tommy, if anything, you’d be one of the funniest people on this show,” Quackity said. Apparently Quackity was here now. He just wanted to be anywhere Techno wasn’t. “As am I. But like, based off of how aesthetically attractive everyone is?”

“I’m sorry, Tommy, you just can’t rival us,” Tina told him, tossing her hair over her shoulder. “I mean, come on, look at Dream and I!” Dream grinned, posing like a five year old for a photo their mom was taking, complete with a double thumbs up.

“Tommy, all your money couldn’t buy you bitches,” Sapnap added.

“But your personality could!” Dream chimed in. “M- maybe? Actually, probably not. … No, it actually wouldn’t.”

“Fuck all of you guys. You suck,” Tommy grumbled. He stomped over to the corner of the party room and sat down, pouting like Jack always does. Oh how the mighty have fallen.

Meanwhile, over by the snack table, a couple of contestants browsed the food.

“Oh my gosh! Look!” Tubbo excitedly held up little rice balls that were molded to look like panda heads, complete with seaweed decorations for the features and spots. “Little sushi pandas!” Upon hearing that, Karl quickly came over.

“Did you say pandas- oh! Oh, Sapnap would love those!”

TUBBO

“Oh hell no, Karl is not taking this rice pandas from me for his stupid fiancé. No way. Sapnap does not deserve them.”

————

“He would? Does Sapnap like pandas?”

“Haha, yeah! Here, wait, spell pandas backwards.” Tubbo took a moment to think about this.

“Sadnap? Holy sh- it’s emo Sapnap?”

“Yes! Exactly! So can I have a few for him?” Karl asked nicely. Tubbo stared at Karl. Like, really stared at him. Deep into his soul.

And shoved all of the pandas into his mouth.

Karl frowned. “I would’ve given you food for Ghostboo.”

“Backstab backstreet backwash,” Tubbo mumbled, his mouth full of food, grains of rice falling out as he spoke.

“What the actual fuck”, Karl whispered.

“It’s all in the name of the game show,” Tubbo whispered back, standing awkwardly close to Karl all of a sudden.

“No it’s not? Aren’t we allies?”

“Hmm. Okay, sure? I haven’t really talked about alliances with anyone besides Ghostboo obviously, and I guess Tommy.”

“Well, I dunno, who do you three want to vote out?”

Suddenly, Billzo was there. “Did I hear someone say vote out?”

“Go away, Bill,” Tubbo said. Billzo frowned but obeyed. “So, let me think. I assume you won’t vote out your fiancés?”

“No! Of course not! Why, you want to? Because I don’t think we can team up if so.”

“Nah, I like them.”

TUBBO

“In actuality, I think Quackity being Techno’s enemy will be his downfall. And there’s no way Sapnap would ever win. But Karl? Maybe.”

KARL

“Tubbo has a lot of murderous tendencies. I just don’t want him to turn them on me, Q, or Sap. Also, y’know, strength in numbers!”

———-

“We could kill George?” Karl suggested.

“Ooh, with what? Wait- could we torture him first? Cuz I know this really cool torture killing method where you put a person on a table and a rat on their stomach and you set the bucket on fire and the rat doesn’t wanna burn alive so they dig into your stomach and slowly painstakingly kill you, and-“

“I meant we vote him off!” Karl exclaimed, genuinely afraid.

TUBBO

“Oh yeah, I wrote a song about it! Here, clap to make the beat. Okay, go! You put the person on the table and the rat on the person and the bucket on the rat and the fire on the bucket!” He did a little jig in his seat as he sang. “And they die!” he giggled.

————

“Yeah sure, I’ll talk to Boo and Tommy, and Billzo too, I guess.”

“I’ll ask Sapnap, Quackity, and maybe Dream and Tina will be down?”

“Oh, and I could ask Techno too? And what if we just got everyone to vote George out? It would be funny.”

“George is pretty smart. He wouldn’t see it coming.”

“What wouldn’t I see coming?” George asked, having just come in earshot of their conversation.

“Uh- fuck- a giant fuckin’ plane bombing down on your head except like, it came from behind you, so you don’t see, yeah?” Tubbo panickedly blurted.

“Nothing, George,” Karl replied, sounding very unconvincing.

“Are you guys planning me a surprise party?”

“N-“

“YES!” Tubbo exclaimed. “And that’s why Karl an’ I are gonna go talk to everyone now. So- so don’t listen in!”

“Mkay.” George shrugged and walked away.

GEORGE

“No, my birthday isn’t coming up. But I deserve the party, don’t I?”

————

“You did a nice job on this party, Jack,” Ghostboo complemented. Jack fainted. Like those girls do when they see BTS, probably. I dunno. I’ve never seen BTS. I do like butter though. One time I won fifty dollars drawing a stick of butter that told you not to do drugs.

… Fine, I’ll stop breaking the fourth wall. Shut up. This is my crack fic, not yours, bitch.

Later, after the party was over, (alcohol was not permitted, but somehow Sapnap made some out of random ingredients at the food table, so a few people were tipsy), it was time to vote. So, the contestants all went to the voting room.

BILLZO

“My George plan is in motion. They’re voting him off! It’s working!”

TUBBO

“This is the one time I’m not voting for Billzo. But I’m still suspicious of him.”

DREAM

“I didn’t want to vote for George. He’s my friend! But…” Dream sniffled, wiping his eye with his sweater sleeve, “I do have to stick with my alliance. So… I hope George and I can still be friends.”

QUACKITY

“Yeah, I’m voting for George. He’s a threat! Plus, he’s really weird. And people love him too much. That makes a man dangerous.”

TOMMY

“I’m gonna miss George. But at least I’m one step closer to being the hottest man alive, now that we’re killing him.”

TECHNOBLADE

“Do I want to vote out George? Hmm, not particularly. But voting for someone else would just single me out. If they’re all voting for him, it’s another elimination that I survive. So I suppose he can go.”

SAPNAP

Sapnap just sobbed violently. No words. Just sobbing.

———-

“Okay,” Jack said after everyone had come up, “now that everyone’s voted, I will read them off.”

“Can I read them?” Tommy asked.

“No. Shut up, child. It’s my job.” He took a deep breath and looked in the votes basket. Then, his face grew confused. He ruffled around in the basket. And… “These are all for George. A- all of them. Even- … George, did you vote for yourself?”

“Always keep ‘em on their toes,” George replied cryptically.

“George, what the fuck? You’re eliminated now, man,” Jack told him. George simply shrugged.

“I bet you didn’t see that coming.”

And as quickly as George came, he was gone. Eliminated.

“Housewives has lost its most beloved man,” Tommy said. Everyone put their hand up in a salute.

“O seven George,” Tina chimed in.

GEORGE

“Goodbye.” He declined to say anything more.

DAY FIVE

And wow! It’s already the next day! Time flies when you’re having fun.

BILLZO AND JACK

“We are fucked,” Jack said.

“Okay, so, problem. We’ve run out of ideas for thing to happen on this show. We can’t just leave these people to their devices! Ranboo already fuckin’ died. Our contestants need to be entertained or they’ll just cease to exist.”

“We’ve done everything we can think of. There aren’t any other things in existence!”

“Jack. As much as I hate to say it… we’re going to simply have to interact with people for content, instead of having a plan.”

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-“

————

“Good morning Vietn-ousewives!” Jack yelled into a microphone, broadcasting his voice down the hall and waking up all of the remaining rich people. “Today, we’re going to b-“

“I want to do a talent show,” Tommy stated.

JACK

“That… that worked out very well for me.”

————

“Okay.”

Sometimes things do work out. This generally only happens for the rich. Some might even say that the rich get richer! That’s lit.

Anyways, the camera cut to Dream and the three fiancés sitting in a hot tub discussing strategy, because these types of shows always have something like that.

“So, what’s our plan?” Quackity asked. “I want to eliminate Techno next.”

“But Techno’s nice!” Dream protested.

“You think everyone’s nice, dumbass,” Sapnap teased. Dream scoffed but didn’t have any evidence to refute the claim.

“Well… if we do have to eliminate Techno at some point, which I suppose we do if any of us want to win, I don’t want it to be this round,” Karl said. “We’d be better off taking out one of his alliances, so that he’s weakened. We can more people to back us that way, and then we’ll be able to take people out until we have the majority over everything.”

“How many people are even left in this fucking game?” Sapnap asked.

“Um, us? And Tommy, Ghostboo, Tubbo, Techno, Tina, and Billzo,” Dream listed.

“Ghostboo can’t win, though, so there’s nine,” Karl mentioned.

JACK

“Uh, guys? Why did you cut to the boys in the hot tub? I thought we were doing a talent show now. … You’re making me set the entire thing up? Oh, fuck off!”

———-

“So, if not Techno, who should we vote off?” Sapnap asked, turning the rainbow neon lights on in the hot tub. It looked cool.

DREAM

“If I had to pick someone? Probably Bill or Tommy. I just… don’t really like them. Well, no, I like them, but… they’re annoying? Or… Sorry if that’s mean.”

QUACKITY

“Techno. … Oh, I can’t pick Techno? Fine. Technoblade. … I don’t care if that’s the same person! I hate him with a passion.”

SAPNAP

“I actually don’t know! Probably just whomever is the recipient of Quackity’s hatred. Bill, maybe.”

KARL

“Uh, let’s see. I’m allied with Tubbo and Tina and I think Techno and maybe Tommy, so… Billzo.”

QUACKITY

“Fine. Billzo. But only if Technoblade also loses.”

BILLZO

“Wha- they all hate me? Why? Is it because I haven’t made any real alliances and only cause mischief?… Okay, I guess it is. But they can’t vote me out! Haha, fuckin’ losers!”

TUBBO

“I’m going to set up a team for voting off Billzo. All of my votes for him haven’t been going through! It’s suspicious as hell. And if we get a majority to vote him off and none of our votes are read? Well… then we murder him.”

Suddenly, Ghostboo burst into the interview room. “Tubbo-“

“Boo, please, don’t say that I’m not allowed to murder peopleeeee,” Tubbo whined.

“No, no, I’m not Ranboo, I actually support murder. I’ll help- but! Now is not the time! Jack said the talent show is in an hour and we need to plan!”

“Oh shit, okay! Go go go!”

Ghostboo grabbed his husband’s hand and they ran out of the room.

JACK

“Yeah pussies, that’s right. Talent show is all set up and happening in an hour. Time to sit back, chillax, and watch some talentless rich people do stuff.”

————

“Tubbo, can we do a talent together?” Tommy asked as he practically kicked Tubbo’s door down to open his room.

Tubbo and Ghostboo looked up from the paper where they were planning their choreography and stared at Tommy.

“Oh. And with Ghostboo too,” Tommy amended.

“Can you dance?” Ghostboo asked.

“Probably.”

“Okay.” So that was that!

Meanwhile, Techno was attempting to find Dream and propose his plan to him. He found Dream in the mansion’s library, reading a literal picture book.

“Dream. Why’re you reading a picture book?”

“Wha- b- It’s a graphic novel!” Dream sputtered.

“Suuuure. So, I have a question. D’you wanna duel in the talent show?”

“Maybe? Why do you even want to do it anyway? I feel like that’s out of character for you.”

“I have someone who I need to show up,” Techno replied simply, “so either you agree to duel me with flair, or I do a magic trick in which I cut you in half. And I won’t put you back together.”

“We can duel on one condition. Can we use lightsabers?” Dream stared at Techno with stars in his eyes. Techno had to try not to smile.

“Real or fake?”

“WE HAVE REAL LIGHTSABERS?”

“Yeah, everyone in the upper class does.”

DREAM

“I genuinely have no idea if Techno’s playing with me, but. REAL LIGHTSABERS! THAT’S SO COOL! I’M SO EXCITED!”

TECHNOBLADE

“Oh, yeah, I know that Tommy has a couple of real lightsabers. I personally don’t care for them, they tend to burn people when you fight with them. And where’s the fun in stabbing someone if the wound is instantly cauterized?”

———-

Karl ran up to his two fiancés after they all got changed out of their swimsuits with a plan.

“Guys, I know exactly what our talent is gonna be! I was eavesdropping on Techno flirting with Dream-“

“He is not flirting with Dream!” George gasped, offended.

“Where the fuck did you come from?” Quackity asked. George shrugged and went back to where he was hiding behind a curtain.

“Pretend I’m not here.”

SAPNAP

“Nobody knows if DNF is canon or not. I don’t think Dream and George know, themselves.”

KARL

“Didn’t George get voted off?”

JACK

“Shit, George is still here? Okay, okay, get some people to escort him away.”

GEORGE

“Always keep ‘em on their toes.”

He was dragged away, kicking and screaming.

————

“Oo-okay. So,” Karl continued. “I heard Techno and he said he might do a magic trick, but he isn’t doing one, so WE should do a magic show!”

“Hell yeah!” Quackity agreed. “I’ll be the magician, you guys can be my assistants.”

“What- it was my idea! I’m the head guy!”

“It was Techno’s idea. Techno. My enemy. You’re lucky I’m doing this at all.”

“Don’t you make manipulation me, Q,” Karl retorted.

“Guys, guys, I’ll resolve all of this. I’m not doing the act with you,” Sapnap said.

“WHAT?” Quackity exclaimed.

“WHY NOT?”

“HOW DOES THAT RESOLVE ANYTHING?”

“Hey, bro, chill. I already came up with an entire plan,” Sapnap explained. “It’s gonna be incredible, just wait and see. And can’t you both be, like, equal magicians?”

“I don’t fucking know,” Quackity replied.

“Probly.”

QUACKITY AND KARL

“Quackity, if you let me cut you in half, I’ll be the assistant for the rest of the tricks that need an assistant.”

“And we can do the other tricks together?” Karl nodded. “Deal.” Sapnap walked into the interview room.

“See? Wasn’t that easy?”

“YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED IN HERE, SAPPY! GO BACK TO YOUR SOLO ACT!”

———-

Tina sighed wistfully. Upon hearing her, Billzo walked into the room.

“Don’t have an act planned?”

“No,” she replied.

BILLZO

“I need someone to ally with. No one likes me, surprisingly. This is not good.”

————

“Would you like to do an act with me?” he offered.

“N-“

“Tina!” Karl exclaimed, bursting into the room. “Wanna do a magic act with me and Q? We have a trick that needs two people, and you can be the one to take the rabbit out of the hat!”

“Sure!” Karl extended a hand to her, which she took, and they left Billzo alone.

“Like I always am,” he lamented. “They say friendship is magic, but magic isn’t real. Does everyone always leave in the end? What a cruel existence this is. I try so, so hard, yet nobody seems to care. The world is terrible.”

… Okay!

An hour later, it was talent show time! The stage was set and everyone was ready to go. The lights were bright and shining, and the camera was action. And the first talent was Billzo.

“Uh, hey everyone,” he said, gripping the mic with sweaty hands under a lone spotlight on the stage. “I’m gonna be real with you, I didn’t prepare an act. So I’m going to entertain you with my mouth.”

“EW, BILL, DON’T!” Tommy shouted in disgust.

“NO! No, no, I meant I’m gonna talk! Make jokes, be funny! Haha!”

“You’re not funny!” Tubbo heckled.

“Shut the hell up, Toby,” Billzo snapped. “Now, let’s begin! What do you call a cult circle ritual performed by gay people? … A Fruit Loop!”

No one laughed.

“Uh… okay… ever heard of Ohio?”

“No,” Karl replied. “Nobody has!” Everyone laughed.

“Oh come on, you people laugh at Karl for that? His joke was way less funny than mine! It wasn’t even a joke, Ohio isn’t real!”

TOMMY

“I know this is off topic, but I have something to say. You know how people believe in alternate timelines? What if there’s a timeline where Wilbur makes a song with Dwayne The Rock Johnson?”

———-

“Booo, Billzo, get off the stage, you suck!” Jack heckled. Tommy whipped his head around to look at him.

“Jack? You’re not supposed to be able to get screen time. That’s my job. I’m the star here. I’ve been told that my rambun-tious personality and hair color remind people of-“

“Of a child?”

“NO! Of a star, because I’m the main character!”

“Ghostboo is the main character,” Tubbo said. “I’m the love interest and you’re the quirky, loud, silly best friend.”

“I AM NOT QUIRKY!”

TOMMY

“The audacity. Me? Quirky? Who am I, Deku? No, I would be Bakugo. NO, Todoroki! He’s the cool one. No, Ghostboo is Todoroki. It’s the hair. So I guess I’m Bakugo. Tubbo can be Deku.”

———-

“I think…” Karl started, “Techno is probably the m-“

“TECHNO IS THE MAIN VILLAIN. I’M THE MAIN CHARACTER!” Quackity interrupted.

“You don’t have enough personality to be the main character,” Sapnap teased.

“Says you! You haven’t gotten any screen time at all.”

SAPNAP

“Haha, okay, now cut to a clip of me getting screen time. I’m gonna say something that’s super cool. And, action! I-“

———

“GUYS, PAY ATTENTION! I’M TRYING TO DO MY TALENT!” Billzo shouted. Everyone respectfully quieted down. “Thank you,” he sighed exasperatedly. Billzo proceeded to recite an hour long comedy routine from memory. During this, Tubbo walked around and whispered in everyone’s ear that they should vote Bill out tonight. And after the torture that was Billzo’s act, no one seemed against it.

“Alright! The next talent, ‘talent’ being a word used very loosely, is going to be a dance by Tubbo, Ghostboo, and Tommy!” The trio walked out onto the stage.

“So,” Tommy said into the microphone. “We came up with a couple of dances, but then we decided that it wasn’t cool enough, so we’re each gonna do one of them in the style of a dance battle, and then Techno gets to pick the best one.”

“I do?”

“Yep!” Tubbo chirped, pressing a button on his boombox and gesturing for Ghostboo to begin his performance. Ghostboo did a seven minute ballet recital, complete with the 32 fouettés from Swan Lake and numerous penché arabesque turns. ‘Twas poggers af. Then Tubbo did a bunch of 80s-90s dance moves, and Tommy performed a series of intricate TikTok dances that would make Charlie D’amelio sob in utter shame.

The audience was speechless.

TECHNOBLADE

“Ghostboo definitely won. But… I don’t understand how it’s humanly possible to move as fast as Tommy did.”

———-

“Ooo-okay… so, our next act is going to be by Technoblade and Dream, who will be dueling to the death.”

“Well, not to the death,” Techno cut in. “I would feel bad killing Dream.”

“Dying is great!” Ghostboo chirped. “I can read minds now!”

“You can fucking what-“

“Hahaha let’s change the subject!” Ghostboo interrupted. “Dream and Techno!” Dream stared at the ghost, thinking in his head ‘blink seven times if you can hear this’. Ghostboo blinked eight times in rapid succession.

DREAM

“He didn’t blink seven, so it must just be a coincidence.”

———-

Techno and Dream were surprisingly well matched. Their battle was actually entertaining, but they decided to stop when Techno shaved off the side of Dream’s mop of hair.

“TECHNO!” he shrieked.

“Oh, ha, hey, Dream! It’s not like you’re bald, right? It’s-“

“TECHNO!”

Techno ran.

Luckily, Dream wasn’t bald. His hair was just a reasonable length now. Easier to shampoo! A win is a win.

Sapnap was next. He walked onto the stage sheepishly and grabbed the microphone.

“My talent is that I can talk to animals. Can someone in the audience please give me an animal?”

“Raccoon!” Tommy shouted.

“Cat!” Tina offered.

“Tubbo!” Billzo chimed in.

“Hey!” Tubbo gasped, offended.

“Did I hear someone say alpaca?” Sapnap asked.

“No, you didn’t,” Techno stated. Ignoring Techno, Sapnap started to make ungodly alpaca noises, and suddenly, multiple alpacas rushed onto the stage. Sapnap grinned, and no one said anything.

Then one of the alpacas attacked Dream and Karl, who both started to scream in the most high pitched screams that ever broke glass.

Not poggers.

The next act was Tina, Karl, and Quackity’s magic act. They took the stage and were greeted with raucous applause.

“Thank you! Thank you, everyone!” Karl exclaimed. “Now, for our first trick, we are going to lock Quackity in a milk can, and he will escape!”

“Wait, what? That wasn’t in the pl-“ Tina grabbed Quackity and wrested him into the large can before he could finishing protesting.

“He gets twenty seconds before we stab the can with a sword!” Tina said. Dramatically, she counted to twenty as the audience waited with bated breath. Using Dream’s lightsaber, Karl sliced the milk can in half.

“Lo and behold, it’s empty!” he marveled. “The Great Quackity has made his escape!” All of a sudden, a second milk can rolled out from behind the curtain. The lid popped off and Quackity fell out. “Uh- magic!”

Everyone applauded. “For our second trick,” Quackity continued, “we will be cutting Karl in half!”

“Don’t worry, I’ll probably survive,” Karl reassured.

GHOSTBOO

“I don’t know why everyone is so obsessed with surviving!”

————

Karl went into the magic cutting-in-half box and Tina sawed him into a few different pieces. Then she pushed the box back together, and Karl climbed out, unharmed!

KARL

“I am NOT unharmed! Dude, Tina actually cut me! I have a huge gash in my side!”

QUACKITY

“It’s not a magic box,” he admitted, his voice shaking. “Karl just- he actually got cut in half! How the fuck did he live?”

———-

“And for our final trick-“

“Wait, wait, I can do one other thing!” Karl interrupted Tina. Quickly, he turned into the purple blob thing and then back. “See, that’s magic!”

“Yeah, but we already knew you were an entity beyond humans,” Quackity replied. “That’s not as cool as pulling a rabbit out of a hat!” So, Karl grabbed a hat, and Tina reached in.

“There isn’t a rabbit in here,” she speculated. “It’s- it’s something bigger! It’s…” She pulled her hand out, and an alpaca’s head came up out of the hat.

“TADA!” Sapnap shouted from the audience.

Jack sighed sadly.

“Let’s just go eliminate someone. I am fucking done with this.”

So they went to the elimination room, and everyone prepared to cast their vote.

TUBBO

“I told everyone to vote for Billzo. My votes for him haven’t been counting! It’s sus as fuck. So today, we find the truth.”

BILLZO

“Oh, they’re all voting for me? Fine, I’ll do the big reveal as to my real role after this, then. But not before voting someone out! I can pick whomever I want! And you know what? I’m gonna pick the person who had the worst act. … No, fuckers, I am not picking myself. The other worst act.”

———

So one by one, the contestants voted. And then Jack counted up the votes.

“So… there’s only one valid vote in this whole stack. Uh, Sapnap, sorry man, you’re eliminated.”

“NOOOOO!” Karl and Quackity cried. Sapnap embraced them both tightly, stood up stoically, and wiped a tear.

“Well I guess… alpaca my bags and leave,” he said.

KARL

“I love that idiot more than life itself,” he admitted with a bittersweet smile.

QUACKITY

“BEST FUCKING PUN I HAVE EVER HEARD IN MY LIFE!”

SAPNAP

“No, I don’t actually like alpacas. Why?”

———

Sapnap left the room to gather his belongings and go, and Billzo stood up in front of the contestants.

“Everyone! I have an announcement! Secretly, this whole time, I’ve been the real host of this show!” An audible dramatic gasp rang out around the room. It was a sound effect box, because no one was surprised. “So that is why your votes for me do not count, and why I can’t win this show! But now, to stir up the plot, I have a proposal for you all!”

“What is it?” Jack asked to build suspense even though he damn well knew what it was. The prick.

“You all get the opportunity to vote someone back onto the show!” This time, everyone actually gasped.

TOMMY

“I CAN GET WILBUR BACK!”

———-

“Boys, boys, we have to vote Wil back on,” Tommy declared. “He deserves it! Please, please, pleeeeease?”

“Bruh… fine,” Techno reluctantly agreed.

“Okay, that settles it!” Jack exclaimed.

“Wait, what? Techno is the final say in this? What about all the rest of us? Don’t we get to vote?” Quackity protested.

“Not with that attitude,” Jack replied, and then all of a sudden, Wilbur was standing behind him. Tommy’s face lit up and he ran towards Wilbur, throwing himself into his arms. The two hugged, Tommy squeezing Wilbur’s waist as if he would never let go, his face pressed into Wilbur’s chest, and Wilbur running a hand through his golden hair.

“Aww,” Ghostboo cooed. “He’s so cute.”

“‘M not cute,” Tommy mumbled, his voice muffled through the fabrics of Wilbur’s sweater.

BILLZO

“I’m gonna let the contestants have this fluffy moment for content, and then reveal the horrible twist!” He laughed maniacally.

———-

“Welcome back, Wilbur,” Quackity greeted, extending a hand out to him. Wilbur lifted one of his hands off of Tommy to shake Quackity’s hand, and Tommy whined sadly like a helpless puppy.

“Jeez, Wilbur’s like, his off button!” Karl speculated.

“I never thought I’d see the day,” Techno agreed. “A docile Tommy.” Wilbur’s hand moved back to Tommy, who purred softly. Everyone ‘aww’ed. Tommy squeezed Wilbur tighter, tucking his head down.

“Hello again, Toms,” Wilbur whispered nicely into Tommy’s ear. He lifted his head up to address the rest of his fellow contestants. “And my gratitude towards all of you for voting me back on! I can’t wait to try my hand at winning the money.”

“Yeaaah, about that,” Billzo said. “Since you were kicked off, fairly I might add, you can’t win the money. You’re just here for content. Think of it as… a revival.”

“Revivebur canon?” Tubbo giggled. Nobody knew what the fuck he meant.

“Oh, I see,” Wilbur mused. “That’s quite sad.”

“And there is one other twist. Since we’re bringing you back on, we’re gonna have to remove someone else to take your place. So, for the sake of content…” Billzo turned sly eyes upon the little blonde boy who was ensconced in Wilbur’s arms.

“No,” Wilbur breathed. Tommy looked up at him with dilated eyes.

“It’s for content,” Billzo replied, almost showing an apologetic tone in his voice.

“No,” Wilbur repeated.

“Wilbur?” Tommy asked. “Wha-“ All of a sudden, twenty or so people dressed in all black uniforms burst out of every hiding spot in the room and grabbed Tommy, pulling him away as if a stone was dragging him to the depths of the ocean. The contestants heard his screams grow fainter and fainter as the footsteps faded.

“NOOOOOOO!” Wilbur shouted, dramatically collapsing to his knees. Techno gravely patted him on the shoulder in consolation.

“I’m sorry.”

BILLZO

“Techno might be sorry. I’m not. It’s all for the content, mate! We’re gonna get so many views, so much money! … Also, where did you guys put Tommy?”

TOMMY

Tommy sat tied to a chair and blindfolded in a dimly lit room. “Hello? Wilbur? Anyone?” His voice started to waver and crack, as if he was close to tears.

BILLZO

“He’s what? You have another kidnapped person crying? Fuck, why does this always happen? Okay, tell him he’ll be allowed to see Wilbur again in a few days.”

TOMMY

“Wait, no, don’t tell Wilbur I was crying. He’ll call me weak! And I am not a child. People keep child truthing me, which is not very kind of them. I’ve never cried in my life, actually.” He had tear tracks dried on his puffy face.

BILLZO

“Just, shit, give him a lollypop and a toy, keep him busy for a few hours. … Yeah, I think those tiny cars are fine.”

DAY SIX

“Today, contestants, we have something very big planned,” Jack said. “We-“

“I think we should vote someone out first,” Tubbo interjected. “I mean, we lost two people yesterday, but none of them were up to us!”

“Yeah, Tubbo’s right. Just give us a minute to talk to allies and stuff, and then we can get someone out of here. Then we can do whatever your plan for today is,” Quackity added.

“Fine,” Jack relented. “But keep in mind: Wilbur, Billzo, and Ghostboo are not valid contestants for the prize at the end.”

“Can we still have money?” Ghostboo asked.

“No,” Jack snapped. Ghostboo pouted and crossed his arms.

TECHNOBLADE

“It’s most likely going to be Quackity or me. We’ve been at war since the beginning, and this is a deciding moment. Now’s the time to take him out.”

QUACKITY

“Oh, you know that I’m gunning for Technoblade. I just hope I can get enough people on my side.”

———-

Quackity grabbed Karl by his wrist and pulled him into a different room.

“Karl, mi novio, listen. I know you’re related to Techno, but now’s the time to get rid of him! Don’t you wanna be the final two with me?”

KARL

“Q’s right. I care about Techno, but I have to vote him off.”

———-

He released Karl and quickly ran over to Tina.

“Tina! Hey! We’re allies, right? Please don’t vote me out.”

TINA

“I’ve been allied with Quackity for a while now, I think. So I’ll take his side in this.”

BILLZO

“I can still vote, for some reason. So I think I’ll get rid of Techno. Quackity is better content, since he gets mad more easily.”

———

Wilbur went with Tubbo and Ghostboo into a separate corner of the room.

“I want to get revenge on the people who got rid of Tommy,” Wilbur said. “He didn’t deserve to lose like this.”

“Well, we can’t vote Billzo out! He’s the host!” Tubbo replied. Techno walked over to the group.

“Can you guys vote out Quackity?” he asked simply. Tubbo and Ghostboo were apparently just feeling up to suggestion at that moment, so they nodded. Before Wilbur could open his mouth, Techno added, “Tommy liked me more.”

“Fine.”

“Also, I’m literally your brother? Your real one?”

“… fair.”

TECHNOBLADE

“If I’m counting right…”

QUACKITY

“That’s four votes for Techno…”

TECHNOBLADE

“And four votes for Quackity.”

QUACKITY

“But there’s nine of us remaining…”

———-

Everyone turned to look at Dream, whos eyes went wide.

“Oh come on, wait, don’t make me the deciding vote!”

“Dream, Dream, Dream,” Techno repeated. “C’mere!” Dream shrieked and started to run. “DREAM!”

“Do we hunt him down?” Tubbo asked.

“YES!” Billzo shouted at the same time that Tina said “NO!”

“Guys,” Tina rationally explained, “let the poor guy pick which of his friends he dooms to failure and which he picks as his favorite!”

“That doesn’t help, Tina!” Dream exclaimed from the closet in which he’d hidden himself.

“DREAM! COME OUT OF THE CLOSET!” Quackity shouted.

“NO!” Dream yelled back.

“I’m gay,” Tubbo and Ghostboo said in unison. They looked at each other and grinned.

“Dream, man, c’mon, you have to vote. Or they’ll eliminate you! Do you wanna lose this game?” Wilbur coaxed.

“… no,” Dream tentatively answered, opening the closet door.

“There you go, Dream, come out.”

“I’m asexu-“

“Karl, please, you’re valid af, but now is not the time,” Quackity said. Dream stepped out of the closet and looked between Techno and Quackity. And finally, he said…

“I’ll vote for Quackity.”

“YES!” Quackity shouted.

“No, Quackity, he voted you out of the game,” Karl explained.

“Oh. FUCK!”

JACK

“And then there were five. Well, eight, but only five of them can actually win.”

BILLZO

“This show is going to make me the wealthiest man in existence!”

——-

“So,” Techno said as Quackity was restrained and carried away, “there’s five of us left?”

“Wow, we’ve made it so far!” Tubbo marveled. “Jack, what’s the next thing we’re doing?”

“Well-“

“Wait! Guys, 200,000 dollars is still a lot of money,” Dream interjected. “Remember, we can split the prize whenever we want, right? Do we all really wanna take the gamble that we could lose, when we could each get-“

“We can invest the money and turn it into millions!” Karl gasped.

KARL

“Both of my fiancés just got voted off. I wanna be sure that I can bring money home to them. I already beat both of them, so I’ve done everything I came here to do!”

TUBBO

“Yeah, I wouldn’t mind splitting the prize. I just don’t wanna have to deal with Jack anymore.”

TINA

“200,000 dollars is sufficient, I suppose. I don’t know if I would actually win, so it’s easier to just get the 200k and use my money duplicator machine to turn it into a million.”

DREAM

“I haven’t seen that much money in my life! I could get a house! Or, an apartment maybe, but still! This would change my entire life if we decide to split it now.”

TECHNOBLADE

“I still think I would win the million, but that Dream guy needs money, and he did kinda keep me from losing, so I guess I’ll split it.”

BILLZO

“Wait, what? They’re splitting? No! That wasn’t supposed to happen! People are supposed to refuse!”

WILBUR

“It’s not even up to me, but splitting the cash would totally tick Bill off, and I think he seems annoying.”

GHOSTBOO

“We spend our whole lives chasing after money, and it doesn’t mean anything when you die. .. Oh, no, I wasn’t being profound! I meant I can walk through walls and rob banks now. Unlimited money for me and Tubbo!”

———-

“And so,” Jack concluded, “that’s where our show ends, folks. I hope you all had some laughs, and maybe learned something. Thanks for watching! Let’s hear one last thing from each of our contestants before I say goodbye.”

NIHACHU

“Hi again everyone!” She waved sweetly at the camera. “Thank you all! I had a very fun time on the show, and I made a lot of friends. Make sure you subscribe to me on all my socials!”

AIMSEY

“Guess what! I’m not getting any punishment for killing Ran! The judges accepted my bribe! I had a great time on here, and I think these friendships will be lifelong.”

GEORGE

“I’m surprised that I didn’t win.”

SAPNAP

“We’re gonna invest the money that Karl made into the stock market! … No, I don’t know what stock. But I had a great time doing this! So much publicity! And I met some really cool people.”

TOMMY

“Can you please untie me now? The show’s over.”

QUACKITY

“I still hate Technoblade.”

WILBUR

“My one regret is not winning and getting voted off first and not getting a lot of screen time. But, I had fun! Have you guys seen Tommy, by the way? According to the police, he’s missing. I’m kind of attached to the kid, so let me know.”

GHOSTBOO

“This show was the best thing that ever happened to me! I exist now! Thank you all.”

TUBBO

“Big wins overall, boys. I got a husband who’s better than my old one, and he’s still the same one! And also a ton of money. We stay winning.”

KARL

“Thank you all so much! This was the most fun I’ve had in a long time.”

TINA

“I’m glad I got to have this experience! Everyone was so sweet, and I also got a lot of money. Friends and wealth, the two things in life that bring happiness!”

DREAM

“I’m not gonna be homeless anymore!”

TECHNOBLADE

“Oh yeah, don’t tell Dream, but I’m kidnappin’ him. He’s gonna come live in my mansion with me. We’re gonna be roommates!”

BILLZO

“Thank you all for watching, and thanks for all of the money and support and clout and money! We’ll return Tommy back to Wilbur’s custody as soon as we can find where I put the key to those chains I used. Thanks again, and goodnight!”

The credits began to roll.