Chapter Text
As he opened his eyes once again, the bright sunlight hit him like a truck, forcing him to squint and blink profusely—his eyes having a hard time adjusting to the sudden change of environment. Shaking his head slightly, he tried to ground himself. How long had he been asleep? Had he been asleep at all, or did he merely forget the entire trip here? He wasn't even sure at this point. He could feel his head spinning and blurring, the conversation the agents were having, barely a few steps away from him, felt too distant. He took a moment to scan his surroundings, to distract himself from the slowly growing headache at the back of his head. His nails dug deep into the seat's leather, forcing himself to stay here.
Calm yourself down, Razputin. Slowly and steady. Don't let them see.
His breathing was shaky—not as much as it was hours before, he vaguely recalled—but shaky nonetheless. His eyes were having a hard time focusing on the things around him, but he still tried, he couldn't have himself slip away into unconsciousness or unreality now. They were too close to the headquarters for him to do that, he didn't have time. Letting out a breath, which he didn’t realize he was holding, he looked up at the window—past the agents sitting at the control panel—and out at the sea. He tried to focus his eyes as he saw something in the distance, the blurriness from his brain fog making it difficult, however, he was sure they were getting near something. Could it be? “We’re here.” Sasha stated blatantly, confirming his suspicions; The outline of the island and the giant crystal ball that was the Motherlobe appearing in the horizon.
Breath in and out. Keep yourself calm. Make sure your smile doesn’t waver. Can’t have them worry.
He lets his shoulders relax, forcing the tension and shaking down. At this point, it was only natural for him to do so. Sighing, he forcefully steadied his breathing, closing his eyes to relax his expression just enough. It was at this moment that he was happy that he was sitting on the far back of the jet—even if Loboto’s ramblings were headache-inducing. Once he felt all his muscles relax, he focused on his mind now—having been, although mildly, affected by the psilirium, it was still readjusting itself, trying to get back to its usual workings. He closed his eyes, and tried his best to clear the mental smug, cleaning his thoughts and building his mental barriers back up. Easier said than done, but within a few minutes, he had managed to clear it significatibly, even if not fully, it was working mostly well—perhaps at 80% capacity. It was easier to think again, slow, but easy.
He opened his eyes again, his expression calmer and less forced now—less stressed, a more natural, small smile appearing instead. However, when he slowly looked up to see how close they were to landing, he was met with a pair of angry, yet concerned eyes.
Lili. “ Raz? ” The girl said, tilting her head. A question left unspoken, but clear— are you okay? He thought his words carefully.
“ Oh, uh, y-yeah? Sorry, I was just...thinking, I might've lost track of time. ” Lili wasn't convinced, he knew, so he continued. “ Just— wanted to organize my thoughts, we all were close to the psilirium, and well— ”
She jumped, leaning forward. He noticed Milla leaning slightly to hear in on the conversation. Ah, dang . “ Wha— Raz, are you feeling sick? We don't need two people with psilirium poisoning, you know! ”
“ What? No, no! I'm fine! I was just weakened by it and stuff— nothing major! I'm alright, promise. ”
A pause, before she continued. “ After I help my dad, you're next. ” When she said that, she had this tone to her voice—it was a promise. Raz knew he couldn't get out of that one, now could he? He just decided to sigh and nod, there wouldn't be any benefits to refusing her help. Afterwards, Lili went back to her own things, although keeping an eye on him.
He sighed. The resolution to that conversation seemed to have satisfied Milla herself, however, who let out a soft chuckle and went back to looking forward, paying attention to the control panel in front of her. That's good, he thought.
Out of curiosity, he took a quick peek at the panel—Maligula's picture was still there, and many other notes he couldn't quite make out from there. He narrowed his eyes at such a picture, thinking once again. So that's how his nona looked when she was younger? She had told him about her time in Grulovia—about the psychonauts and what they've done to her. He was aware of...part of that story, at least. The bits and pieces Nona was willing to tell him.
She hadn't told him about her name, though. "Maligula." Wasn't her name Marona? His thought was interrupted, as he felt the jet finally land.
Guess he'll have to ponder about that later.
The door slowly opened, and all senior agents got up from their seats. Sasha used his telekinesis to drag the sedated, not fully there Loboto out with them. Lili didn't take long to try and help her father out either, mostly succeeding. That left Razputin, who was still sitting, all on his own.
“ Come on, Soldier, you can't just stand there! ” Coach Oleander said, in his ever present strict tone, as he hopped off. He took a breath in, a deep breath in, as he accommodated the last batch of negative stray thoughts in his head and placed them away neatly into boxes. Down the drain those went.
He let out the same deep breath, and took another in. He got up and out. He needed to, quickly. The confined pace was making him nauseous.
The outside wasn't better, though. Even if he was in safe land—everything that he had been holding back on that ride hit him all at once.
He could feel his legs turn into jelly under him as his feet touched solid floor once again, threatening to give out at any moment and making him fall, face flat against the floor. His...darker thoughts dangerously throbbing at the back of his head—making his vision blurry and his hands shaky, as if they were to explode out everywhere, even if he knew he had a tight lock on them. His eyes darted around—the scenery was colorful and bright and lively, with people walking past, and animals jumping around. It was too much all of the sudden, the… everything now making his head hurt, his mind unable to process all of it, as it was still recovering. His muscles felt strained and sore due to how much he was overworking his body, he hadn't even realized. His chest tight and compressed—his heart hitting against his rib cage heavily with every fear-inducing moment and mind-breaking word. Oh, he was about to pass out again, even after all that work he went through to calm himself.
Yet, he was able to catch himself. He caught himself wobbling, all of this information being registered in less than a second, and yet—he stopped himself. He blinked slowly and made himself stand still and tall. He was in front of senior psychonauts (And Lili, more importantly—no, no, he can't be thinking that) he rather not be seen as weak .
As he finally cleared his mind for the fourth time that day—man, was this a lot of work—he was able to register the voice of someone calling him off. It was Milla. “ C'mon, darling! Let's go inside, it's a bit chilly our here. ” She gently said—as she always was, gentle. Horribly gentle.
He patted down his clothes a little as he finished to close the door on the very last thought that was bothering him, and then scrambled to go after the levitating psychonaut. “ Coming! ” He handled this well, he was sure.
He almost didn't notice Sasha's eyes on him as he ran past.
Almost.