Chapter Text
“Hey, Hyunjin!”
Hyunjin looked up from the book he was reading while sitting outside on the green in front of his dorm. He squints in the sunlight, searching for the source of the voice. Hyunjin’s eyes landed on his boyfriend, Chan, who was walking with someone Hyunjin didn’t know. Chan was waving enthusiastically at him, so Hyunjin waved back. Once they got closer to him, Hyunjin got a close look at the person Chan was walking with.
They were wearing a flowy skirt, with a leather jacket layered on top of a black shirt. They had Doc Martens with thick heels, and Hyunjin could see patterned socks peeking out of the top. The person was also wearing smudged red and black eyeshadow and had many facial piercings. In short, they were the coolest person Hyunjin has ever seen. And to top it off, Hyunjin couldn’t tell if they were a boy or a girl. Something twitched in his heart, and Hyunjin realized he wanted people to think that about him. It was an exciting idea, dressing in a fashion that let gender be up to the imagination.
“Hyunjin, babe, I want you to meet my friend!” Chan said once they got to where Hyunjin was sitting. “This is Hongjoong, they’re the one who’ s been helping me with my projects!”
“Nice to meet you,” Hongjoong said warmly, smiling at Hyunjin. “I’ve heard so much about you, Chan never shuts up about you.”
“Nice to meet you too,” Hyunjin replied, looking down shyly.
At this, both Hyunjin and Chan blushed. Hyunjin knew that Chan liked to talk about him, but hearing it from an actual person made butterflies dance in his stomach, even after a year of them dating. When Hyunjin looked back up at the two of them, he noticed a small pin on Hongjoong’s jacket. The pin said “The Future is Non-Binary,” and that really caught Hyunjin’s attention. So his thoughts of Hongjoong not looking like either gender were not unfounded. Hyunjin had heard the term non-binary a few times before, but this was the first time he’s met someone who has identified that way.
“We were just on the way to the dining hall, and I saw you so I thought we could say hi!” Chan said, grinning at the two of them. “Now both sides of my world have met!”
That interaction Hyunjin had earlier today has been playing in his head on loop for the past hour. As soon as he met Hongjoong, Hyunjin felt at home. The way they carried themselves was so fascinating to Hyunjin, and he was obsessed with the way they dressed. It sparked something inside Hyunjin, and he wants to explore that spark, which is why he’s sitting in his bed with his laptop, scrolling through search results.
Hyunjin stares at the screen, biting his lip nervously. He doesn't know why he's nervous, he's alone in the room and will be for a while. There's an overwhelming feeling of uncertainty pooling deep in his gut, and he can't shove it down far enough. Hyunjin can’t even tell if it’s negative, because a small part of him is also buzzing with excitement at the prospect of unlocking a part of his identity. With a shaky breath, he clicks on the first link that appears in the search.
What is Non-Binary and How Do You Know If That's the Label for You?
Ever since Hyunjin stumbled across the notion that there's more than two genders, it's eaten at his soul. He's been too scared to look into it before now, but the idea lived in his head for weeks until he gathered the courage to investigate. Hyunjin had no idea that gender was such a nuanced topic, due to the stigma around it among men. But as Hyunjin scrolls through that first article, he begins putting the pieces together in his mind. He realizes exactly what that feeling of disconnect was he's felt his entire life. Every reference of male association that made his skin crawl, every time he saw men in dresses and women in suits and people on the street that didn't immediately look like either gender. The intense feeling of joy every time he tried on anything remotely feminine in a store that he was too afraid to buy. The pang of jealousy when he saw male celebrities praised for ‘breaking the gender norms.’
When he gets to the part of the article that discusses pronouns he almost gasps out loud, a sharp pain of realization striking his heart. They/them. He rolls the words around his head, testing them on his tongue. It fits and Hyunjin almost starts crying. They/them sounds more right than he/him ever felt, and Hyunjin makes up his mind. Their mind.
This is who they are, who they've always been. They just didn't have the words for it, but now they do. Hyunjin knows there's a lot more to this whole thing, but they'll worry about that later. All that matters is that they're happy.
***
Hyunjin spends the next week agonizing over how to tell their boyfriend about their newly discovered self. They know that Chan will be supportive, they’ve seen how much he respects Hongjoong’s identity, but the idea of coming out is still debilitatingly terrifying. They’ve only just come to terms with it themselves, and airing out their soul to everyone in their life sounds immensely anxiety-producing and exhausting.
Which is why they’re starting by only telling Chan, but it’s still scary. Hyunjin considered just not telling anyone, but as more time passes the harder it gets for them to hear the wrong pronouns. They cringe every time they’re referred to as a boy, and even Chan calling them his boyfriend sets them on edge.
Hyunjin finally settles on taking Chan on a coffee date, so they at least have something to focus on instead of having to talk with no cushion room in between them. They simply tell Chan that they want to go get coffee with him this weekend, using the excuse that they haven't spent that much time with just the two of them lately. That’s not fully a lie, both of them have been pretty busy, but Hyunjin doesn't tell Chan they're going out for a different reason entirely.
When Hyunjin gets to the tiny coffee shop off campus, Chan is already there. He’s sitting at the corner table where they usually sit, and Hyunjin can see that he’s already bought drinks for both of them. They walk over to the table, setting down their bag and startling Chan, who had been staring at his phone.
“I thought it was my turn to pay,” Hyunjin pouts, taking their cup from Chan. They already know which one is theirs, Chan usually only gets black coffee and Hyunjin gets a fancy sugar-filled drink.
“It was,” Chan grins, leaning over to kiss Hyunjin’s cheek. “But I wanted to pay today.”
“We had an agreement, Channie, I can’t believe you're a promise breaker!” Hyunjin huffs, turning away from Chan and crossing their arms. There’s no actual bite to their words, they actually like it when Chan does things like this.
“Agreement’s off for today, I thought you could use a treat,” Chan says, grabbing Hyunjin’s chin and pulling them in for a proper kiss.
“And why is that?” Hyunjin drawls once they pull apart.
“I can tell you want to talk about something serious today, so I thought I’d make it easier for you,” Chan says, and Hyunjin’s heartbeat picks up.
“Oh yeah? How could you tell that?” Hyunjin doesn’t know if they’re flattered or even more nervous now. On the one hand, they love Chan for his inhuman ability to pick up on their emotions, but on the other hand, does that mean Hyunjin’s worrying wasn’t as subtle as they thought it was?
“You do this thing with your eyebrows when you’re worried or stressed,” Chan replies, picking up his drink and taking a sip. “It’s kinda cute, actually.”
“Oh.”
“So what is it you want to talk about?” Chan says, reaching over to grab Hyunjin’s hand.
Hyunjin can feel their heartbeat in their ears, pounding heavier than it ever has before. They have no idea how to start this conversation, they didn’t think this far ahead. Hyunjin’s breathing starts to pick up, and they take a few deep breaths in a desperate attempt to calm down. Chan just sits and waits, rubbing his thumb across the back of Hyunjin’s hand in the way they like. Hyunjin feels like crying at how lucky they are to have someone like Chan. They take one last deep breath before steeling themselves to start talking.
“I-I think I’m non-binary,” Hyunjin says, deciding they don’t need to preface this with anything. It would be easier to just get the hard part out of the way first.
There’s a moment of silence before Chan speaks, and Hyunjin thinks they might pass out from nerves.
“Oh baby, I’m so proud of you for figuring that out!” Chan says, squeezing Hyunjin’s hand. “DO you want me to start using different pronouns for you?”
Hyunjin promised themself this morning that they wouldn’t cry, but now that they’re here, looking at Chan’s warm face and listening to his sweet words, Hyunin bursts into tears. They lurch out of their seat and practically climb into Chan’s lap to hug him. Cha makes a noise of surprise, but then his arms are wrapping around Hyunjin. He rubs Hyunjin’s back soothingly, waiting for them to calm down. Once Hyunjin’s tears slow to a stop, they pull away to look Chan in the eyes.
“Thank you,” Hyunjin whispers, their lips quivering slightly.
“For what, baby?” Chan asks, tilting his head in confusion.
“Being you,” Hyunjin says simply. “I knew you would accept me, but I was just so scared of the prospect of coming out so I...thank you.”
“Of course, baby, it’s the least I can do!” Chan exclaims. “I will always support you, regardless of how you identify. I love you no matter what, Hyunjin.”
“You damn sap, I’m gonna start crying again,” Hyunjin sniffs, but smiles at Chan gratefully. “I love you too.”
“So do you want me to use they/them pronouns for you?” Chan asks again, lifting his hand to wipe the tears from Hyunjin’s cheeks.
“Yes, please,” Hyunjin says, their voice still shaking slightly.
“Alright, baby, consider it done,” Chan says, grinning at Hyunjin. “Anything else I need to know?”
“I guess that’s it, other than like getting rid of any gendered term when referring to me,” Hyunjin says, thinking hard. “And, uhm, do you think you can go with me to go clothes shopping soon? I wanna start dressing the way I feel.”
“I would love to go shopping with you!” Chan exclaims. “As long as I can pick out some outfits for you.”
“Yeah sure, Mr. Only Wears Black,” Hyunjin laughs. “We’ll see.”
They spend about an hour more in the coffee shop, catching up on other things. Hyunjin leaves for their dorm in an extremely good mood, heart warm with how much they love their boyfriend. Although they still have a long way to go in their journey with gender, they feel like this was a major step in the right direction.