Archive of Our Own ^beta

As with all firsts, Kai doesn’t see it coming. He’s admittedly naive to the ways of the world, some would even go as far as to say that he’s long due for a wake-up call. And a wake-up call it is.

All dreams have to start somewhere, full moons of hope. Fact.

It begins in the rundown town youth centre, a building that has probably evaded multiple health checks across the years. When he catches the eye of the other (read: the only other human) boy in the corridor, he’s sitting outside the auditorium, staring at the torn notice board, having assessed his surroundings for the fourth time. He starts at first because he can’t believe he missed the boy, and then because he never expected to see someone like him here.

Now Kai isn’t one to judge, he’s had it drilled into him early on not to let stereotypes cloud his opinions. But it’s still a shock to the system to see anyone who dresses like they’ve stepped out of a nineties rock magazine - the only thing from the authentic look missing being tattoos and a messy dye job - hanging around in the same lame hallway as him. 

Kai’s never seen anyone like him before, the other boy looks a few years older and has at least a head on Kai, and that’s not even mentioning his attire: decked out in all black, chains hanging from the belt loops of his skinny jeans, ears covered in multiple piercings, and he’s wearing those edgy biker boots that Kai begged his mum to buy for him back when he was going through his peak emo phase at thirteen, listening to the likes of Paramore, My Chemical Romance and Fall Out Boy. It’s with all this in mind that ultimately makes him question the other’s choice of location, because in all honesty, if it was Kai wearing a rocker outfit (and with a face like that too), he wouldn’t be caught dead here.

The punk boy is leaning against the wall, regarding Kai with the same vigour as Kai is regarding him, both drinking each other in as if they haven’t seen another person in months. In all fairness, in his case, that wouldn’t be too wrong, considering Kai only ever really talks to Taehyun. It’s not that he doesn’t like people, he’s extroverted after all, it’s just usually people come to talk to him, not the other way around. So yeah, the last time he’s assessed someone with such keenness has probably been never. 

(That is if you don't include the times he’s stared at actors for hours on end, noticing their skills so that he can later emanate and then perfect – Kai doesn’t.)

That’s inspection for future roles, whilst this is new, curiosity spilling out from his pores.

He breaks eye contact to inspect his own clothing, standing out starkly against the darkness of the hallway. Kai’s wearing his usual washed-out blue jeans, white t-shirt and a brightly patterned cardigan to finish it off, the type of knitwear that has his sisters constantly annoyed at him (usually because it’s always the cardigans that cause the most inconvenience on laundry day, the one day Kai is coincidentally never around).

Sometimes he paints his nails, embellishes them with small smiley faces, embedding them with pretty rhinestones, but today is not one of those days. He’s channelling his inner Shakespearean macho man, no matter how insane comedy characters can be (think: the dude with the donkey head in A Midsummer Night's Dream), he's certain that nails covered in pink and yellow flowers would ruin the vision he’s set out for himself and big old Petruchio. He catches notice of Punk Boy’s blunt nails, surprised to see that he has them painted, shockingly not in the colour black, but instead, a deep maroon. It’s a nugget of information Kai gleans, then locks away in a compartment in his mind dedicated to pretty emo boys. He fears that the storage cupboard he has built in his brain might need more space soon.

A clash of worlds. 

If anyone walked in (not that they realistically would, the youth centre really is not the place to be), they’d be thrown off by a multitude of things. The first being the sight of the two boys, one dressed as though he’s attempting to unite with the night, returning to the gloom of the shadows, whilst the other boy looks as though the colours of the rainbow had decided to puke all over him. Kai, unfortunately, can’t even deny it, the cardigan is the only flash of colour in the makeshift waiting room slash corridor. Despite the magnolia walls and vivid notice posters from events long gone, a blanket of grey obscures the entire area, a layer of dust that settles itself on any exposed surface. 

From afar, it would look as though Kai is the only one in the long corridor untouched by the dullness sweeping through the halls. He feels a twinge of guilt for excluding Punk Boy like this, but looking at the other boy who’s still huddled against the wall, he assumes maybe Punk Boy just likes it that way. A wonder hidden in plain sight, that’s what Kai thinks he is. Made from the shadows, hidden in confines that are unable to keep him restricted, a person who everyone knows deserves to become someone much more.

The second thing that would throw people off about the youth centre would be the pungent smell of burnt plastic that wafts into the atmosphere. It’s almost hard to believe that the youth centre was once the pride of the town, a place for the young and old to mingle. In fact, it used to be a common occurrence for Kai to find himself visiting the centre for a toddlers only club with his mum, Bahiyyih sleeping peacefully in her buggy, Lea in a tow, most likely throwing a temper tantrum because his mum would hold Kai’s hand - meaning Lea would have to hold onto the pram, much to her disappointment. His memories melt away into the background, and he takes in a shallow breath, blotting out the horrid smell that comes with returning to the present.

The air in the waiting room is stifling, small breaths do little to alleviate the suffering Kai is facing right now. Before he entered, his attention had snagged on a limp piece of paper, claiming that the air-con was broken. Kai had immediately ignored it, scoffing to himself. On the walk here it had been pouring with rain, and he was forced to jump over one too many puddles and overflowing drains to feel any sympathy for the defective air-con. Only someone with an incredibly stupid innate desire to catch a cold would need the frosty air blown out by an air-con, the weather hitting minus Celsius degrees outdoors. All Kai needed was warmth, to feel his fingers thaw under the heat. And his sopping woolly cardigan could use a good dry. God, he was so wrong. 

The radiators are conveniently also broken, a fact that the centre had decided to omit from their notice of broken appliances out front, much to Kai’s annoyance. The worst thing is they aren’t even broken in the way one would assume, where the entire room is hitting sub-zero temperatures, and you can see people shivering inside their huge coats. No, if anything Kai wishes it were like that, he’d take trembling within his cardigan over feeling like he’s been locked in a sauna with no ventilation. 

The heating is broken, broken in the way that they can’t turn the temperature up or down because the nozzles are stuck on the highest setting. When Kai visited two months ago, autumn was just beginning, and he had assumed that it would be fixed soon. Unfortunately, that isn’t the case. The bronze leaves have long since fallen - the trees are now bare, bony figures, but the radiators are malfunctioning, still yet to be sorted out. It speaks volumes about the town council and its limited funding, but that's a discussion for another day. He's complained more than enough already about terrible governments. 

His struggle continues. Kai can feel sweat trickling down his back, underneath his thick cardigan which is now stuck between a confused state of sticky and dry, musing how possible it is to gain a fever from overheating. It takes him a moment to remember heatstroke is a phenomenon that exists. The realisation is abrupt and to avoid criticising himself over the slip-up, he quickly returns to lamenting over the struggles in his life – after all, what worse conditions could one audition in?

(Rhetorical question, that is not to be answered. He refuses to risk anything, has no desire to tempt fate into making his audition day worse, he already woke up this morning with nervous jitters, and a bothersome need to go to the toilet constantly.)

Punk Boy doesn’t seem to be faring any better, face flushed scarlet and curly brown hair plastered to his forehead. A few wispy strands are sticking out, crinkling in the warm air, and that’s all it takes for Kai to smile to himself, the vision of the intimidating rocker boy destroyed. He's unkempt yet effortlessly stunning despite that, and it's hard to tear his gaze off the other. Kai looks at the boy for longer than it's socially acceptable to stare when meeting strangers, like a baby registering the face of someone new, then turns away, drawing the conclusion that; without the hard, stoic countenance about him, the older looks like a cute Maltese.

He registers the expression change on the other’s face much too late, the boy’s blank look morphing from shock to confusion, before returning to the previous blankness.

“Is that how you make friends around here? Compare people to dogs?”

There’s an awkward pause until it dawns on him that the punk boy is addressing him. And then another pause as Kai realises that he just compared the boy to a Maltese out loud, groaning at his lack of brain-to-mouth filter. He suppresses his squeaks of shock, internally kicking himself. So much for good first impressions.

“N-no sorry, I was just thinking out loud.” he stammers, struggling to sound out the sentence, mortification filling every cell of his body. All of a sudden, he’s grateful for the existence of the broken heating, so that the flush on his face can be easily confused with overheating and a developing fever, rather than the complete embarrassment he’s experiencing right now.

A silence falls over the two again, much more awkward than the previous one, their eyes darting around the room, crossing each other, waiting for something to happen, for someone to start them off. It takes a while but in the end, it’s the other who speaks up again, giving in to whatever impromptu battle they have going on. 

“You remind me of a dog too. A golden retriever.” 

Against all odds, it's announced softly, a response covered in sugar. Not like saccharine-sweet where it's excessive and sickening, but like the type of sugar you find on fizzy strawberry laces, an explosion of sweetness against your senses.

Kai sputters in shock, opening his mouth, ready to rebuke the statement, but falls quiet when he notices that the older is looking at him with the slightest curl of his lips, and perhaps the most gentle expression Kai has ever seen directed towards him (aside from his mother’s own looks of fondness). He looks nothing short of beautiful. A resplendent moon glowing in the night sky, standing there within the clammy, sweltering room, leaning against the cracked schedule board, with tattered posters that look seconds away from falling lest any wind blows in their direction.

He’s out of reach, Kai thinks, too far across the huge expanse of sky, and he tears his eyes off the older’s face, considering himself undeserving to watch the moon with such awe, and looks down at his shaky hands instead, where his script is crinkling at the edges, his hold on it unconsciously tightening. The butterflies cascade into him again, the nerves of the audition cruelly returning, and he reads over his lines, whispering into the bubble of air in front of him. And then again, muttering the words with his script turned over so he’s reciting off by heart. He breathes through his nose, becoming one with his role, the world melting away around him as he continues through his piece.

“What you here for, then?” 

The question falls on deaf ears, Kai thoroughly invested in his mini run-through. In the back of his mind, he faintly registers voices, but he dismisses them. It’s quite ironic he thinks, how he escapes from the nerves he feels around pretty boys, where he’s completely out of his element, only to jump into the welcome arms of the fear he feels before auditions. Objectively, both are just as bad however thus far, he hasn’t faced rejection from casters, and he’s keenly aware that if (not when) he does, his first thoughts will be that he amounts to nothing. And so he continues with his reading. 

“Oy, cardigan boy!” The yell cuts through the suffocating hallway, and Kai blearily looks up to find Punk Boy staring at him expectantly. Kai’s confusion must show because the latter rolls his eyes, sighing. “What you here for?” he repeats.

Kai glances down at his battered copy of The Taming of the Shrew, then peers up again, waving the paperback around in answer. “The audition. Isn't that what you’re here for too?”

The boy snorts. “A theatre kid, huh? Alright, Shakespeare boy, who are you doing the part of?”

“Petruchio.” The name hangs in the air between them and Kai watches, in almost slow motion, as his world screeches to a stop, eliciting a quiet gasp from himself. 

As a child, Kai would watch animated cartoons, bedtime stories where the sun would turn into the moon as the day ended, the moon narrating folktales lulling five year old Kai to sleep. The cartoon moon would always have a smile on its face, and Kai would watch and think that if the moon ever laughed, it would be a deep laugh, one full of radiance. 

Watching the boy chuckle out loud, a full body laugh, and probably the loudest noise Kai has heard inside the waiting room aside from the drowning hum of the broken radiator, Kai can easily say his prediction was correct. The moon does indeed laugh without a care in the world, breathing out stars into the air.

“You have guts. Good luck, kid, do the Old Bard proud,” he says, turning to head down the corridor, shrugging his jacket on properly, a cross earring glinting under the dim lights.

“Wait, who are you here for? Like, who are you gonna speak as?” cries Kai, not ready to see the Punk Boy go yet. He finds him soothing, comforting and most importantly, a welcome distraction (pretty boys are distracting, and Kai has made it his own rule to avoid them but when a boy is as beautiful as Punk Boy, Kai thinks it’s okay to break rules once in a while.) And perhaps he’s also just curious about the other, and his enigmatic nature.

The older facing round, a flash of expression full of pity and hopelessness. Until it’s gone as quickly as it came, so fast that Kai almost thinks he’s imagined it. Kai catches Punk Boy’s eye, feeling himself plummet into the deep brown irises even if all they do is scream pain, a danger sign, boldly marked.

“It’s none of your business, Shakespeare Boy,” he mutters. Despite the harsh words, his tone is mild, the nickname slipping off his tongue with a slight lilt, roughness surrounding the edges. “See you later… good luck again. They’re a tough crowd to please,” And then he’s gone.

For a moment, Kai wonders if Punk Boy was even there to begin with, he disappears so naturally into the dark, that it’s hard to believe that a real person was present. That is until his gaze lands on a poster that's fluttering down steadily. He stands up, stretching out his limbs that have become sore from hunching for a long period of time, and strides over, leaning down to pick up the fallen sheet. He turns it over and releases a disappointed sigh. It’s nothing much, an old poster from two years before where the production company was asking for the city’s aspiring actors. The same one Kai is auditioning for today.

Maybe it is worth some interest then. He scans his eyes down the paper, reading the names “Choi Beomgyu, Choi San, Choi…” and scoffs at the amount of Chois that seem to have settled in the town. He heads back to his seat, placing the poster on the rickety chair beside him.

The peace is broken when the auditorium door finally opens. 

(That’s a lie, Kai has once again forgotten that he is here to audition for the role of John Worthing from The Importance of Being Earnest and that he is not here to solve the mystery that is Punk Boy. If anything, the only peace broken is his peace of mind.) 

With how decrepit the building is, it proves to be a huge hassle to even open the auditorium door in the first place, the sill scuffing the floor in an ear-splitting screech, so grating that Kai feels like crying from relief once it’s finally over.

“Kai Kamal, right?” speaks the lady, just a few inches shorter than him, hair framing her face in a smart bob cut, a cute bow headband on top. 

He nods affirmatively, and follows her into the huge room, taking in the stage lights, the judging table, the audience seats that are closed, folding over and pushed towards the end of the wall. He breathes out, happy to return to his element again. Pretty boys he can't do. But this? This, he can. It’s acting, his greatest passion in life. 

When the audition is over, he feels a weight lifted off his chest. Punk Boy all but forgotten, he retells his older sister the story of the tryout - how he told the judges he would perform one of Petruchio’s soliloquies, how the judges watched him keenly, and how at the end, one of them even gave him a huge smile accompanied with a thumbs up. He doesn’t want to assume anything, but he feels like he may have this one in the bag, just like his previous successful auditions. There’s the same feeling of assuredness he experienced before, so he thinks it won’t be too long until they contact him.

A week goes by without a callback, and Kai’s happiness is slowly starting to fade. He tries not to make much of it, convincing himself that they may need to take longer to decide. Bahiyyih notices yet doesn’t comment when her brother’s belly rubs become frequent and a regular part of their daily routine. 

And then another week passes. Life continues around him, and Kai moves along, pretending as though the audition never happened. When Taehyun asks him if he’s heard from the company, Kai feigns ignorance and asks what audition? He knows he’s not fooling anyone, least of all his best friend since playgroup, so when Taehyun holds his arms out for Kai to fall into and cry, he complies without a word.

At first, it’s easy to blame the lack of response on the fact that he must’ve chosen a bad character. Petruchio must’ve been the wrong guy to choose, maybe the judges didn’t like how he chose a Shakespearean il Capitano figure with such a controversy surrounding him. Maybe Kai should’ve entered the room, and told them that in his interpretation, Petruchio and Katherina were a marriage of two minds, that the submission speech shouldn’t be interpreted too darkly, that this is his vision. Yeah, he decides, that must be it, his favourite Shakespeare character was the wrong one.

Then his thoughts progress into something more twisted, colder and darker. No longer does he blame his decisions, his speech choice or even the Stratford man himself, but he begins to think what if the problem is him. He welcomes those thoughts - to him, they’re the most realistic in the entire situation. It has to be one of his shortcomings, his acting is just not good enough to please people, his skills too mediocre. He’s overestimated himself, too proud and blinded by past achievements.

When the year passes, he finds himself back at the rundown youth centre, not to partake in the audition but to scout out the young upstarts who are there now. He hides in the shadows, watching a young girl pace around the corridor mumbling the words of Ophelia. He slinks off again, walking home in the spitting rain. The fall of hail brings in a shocking thought. He wonders about the year before when he was in the girl’s position, if Punk Boy was standing there doing the exact same as Kai, for the same reason. To spy on the future. He retraces his thoughts, thinking of the older boy's look of sadness, a true visionary of fallen dreams, and shallowness. The comparison is perturbing, Punk Boy can’t be like him, a failure. Then he thinks maybe it’s okay that Punk Boy might have endured the same hardship as him because they’re now connected because of it. 

Two stars who find themselves in the same universe.

At 15, Kai learns the look of true pity and despair, the silence stretching out in front of him. At 15, Kai watches in pained silence as one of the moons orbiting him come crashing down from the clear night sky, covering the pavement with flickers of silver, before the scene returns to its former tranquillity. 

──── ⋆⋅☽⋅⋆ ────

Life goes on. Kai knows and accepts that. He’s moved on from the pain of broken dreams, taking it into his stride that he won’t ever be enough, but it’s okay. He’ll just keep on trying. Because that’s all that he can do.

And that’s how he finds himself in his school corridor, looking contemplatively at the notice board. It took losing a bet with Taehyun for him to even arrive here in the first place. When the school had first emailed around the notice that they would be running a joint school production with their partner school, Kai had immediately brightened up, more than ready to try out for the part of Hamlet. Then he remembered his last audition experience and decided that he did not, in fact, like Shakespeare. As always, Taehyun saw right through him, and had proposed a deal: if Taehyun came first in the school’s maths challenge, then Kai would have to audition. 

In all honesty, it is a fool’s bet, Kai has complete faith that Taehyun will indeed place first, but he decides to accept the deal anyway. 

(The deal was an excuse, Kai knew it, Taehyun knew it. It was a push that he needed but wasn’t willing to make. So if he accepted knowing full well that he was walking into defeat… that was kind of the whole point.)

That week Kai has never seen Taehyun practice maths so hard, it's quite alarming to see how much dedication his best friend puts in so that he'll place first. The effort he shows makes Kai suffer from a bout of guilt for giving up on his dream after one mishap. He buries his thoughts, if acting was the path for him, then the failed audition would have prompted him to work harder, rather than causing him to abandon what he loves, allowing it to evaporate into the darkness of the winter night.

Taehyun unsurprisingly places first, with the highest score the school has ever seen. Kai is dozing off in the middle of his lesson when Taehyun bursts through the doors waving his results sheet around, yelling that Kai has to go to the hall right now. It’s probably one of the strangest spectacles to grace the school hallway but Kai’s teacher barely stirs from his nap on the front desk, allowing his best friend to pull him into the empty corridor. He’s dragged reluctantly until they both stand in front of the huge display, the audition sheet glaring menacingly right in front of him.

“Tae, I can’t do this.” 

“Sure you can, I already have your drama tapes saved in a file, all you need to do is write your name down, then message me. I’ll email the folder for you.” He ends the sentence with a flourish, grinning with his full teeth on display. Noticing Kai’s hesitation, he hands the younger an uncapped pen, pushing him towards the board, and strolls off, not before yelling a “good luck” across the corridor.

Five minutes pass, yet Kai is still dithering in front of the board. In the time since Taehyun has left him alone, Kai has managed to read the entire notice board twice, picking up on every grammatical error made. He’s discovered that the school runs a cookery club and a bakery club, and that the only sports they have to offer are football and tennis (much to his dismay), and that in the past year, the school has raised almost a grand’s worth of money for charity. In fact, in his whole school life, this is probably the most he has learnt about his place of education, despite having gone here, almost daily for the past few years. It’s fascinating really, what the mind does when it’s putting off something.

His musing is disturbed when a flash of black crosses his vision. He looks up, catching the eyes of a senior who is only inches taller than him, and infinitely cooler. Despite the foxlike eyes and pouty lips, the older is a true sight to behold. He has multiple rings adorning his fingers, silver chains hanging off his ears, and Kai almost drops his jaw when he catches sight of the studded choker the other is wearing. He’s not staring but he is definitely looking at him appreciatively.

“Hey kid, could you do me a favour?”

Kai immediately nods, smiling awkwardly. “Sure,”

“Could you write down the name Choi Beomgyu? That's Choi…” He trails off inspecting Kai’s features, pursing his lips. Kai suddenly becomes hyper-aware, standing defensively, arms crossed in front of him, but the senior just grins, a smile that could contend with the Cheshire Cat. “I’m sure you know how to spell that, Beomgyu is spelt B-E-O-M-G-Y-U.”

“Oh, yeah, don't worry about it, I got you,” replies Kai, facing the board, pen at the ready. He makes a show of writing the name down, turning to the elder for approval but notices the boy has already bounded off down the hallway.

He turns back to the sheet, hesitating, before biting the bullet, scrawling his name under Choi Beomgyu, handwriting messy from the way his hand is shaking. Pulling away from the board he exhales, relieved to have it done with. Taehyun will be proud of him, he thinks. And so, he messages the younger, attaching the image of his name on the wall with a few smiley emoticons, making his own way down the hallway to the lesson he left.

It’s almost easy to forget that he ever made the jump in the first place, living his life as normal, struggling through the lessons. The weather has been brightening up, flowers blooming to welcome in summer, the shift in seasons bringing about a shift in the mood, Both he and Taehyun have been suffering from heavy workloads, trying to keep on top of everything, as exams for university draw closer. So yes, Kai forgets he ever signed up.

That is until the day of his birthday. Just like every other birthday it comes and goes, an inconsequential day in the grand scheme of things. Or so he thinks.

He’s making his way down the school corridors, heading towards his locker to collect his items before he leaves the school grounds. As he approaches his locker, he stumbles into a student, collecting himself and continuing on. The whispers are hard to ignore though, and pretending the crowd doesn't exist is even more of a struggle, with the way they are obstructing his pathway. He turns to yell at a few younger years, more than ready to abuse his role as a senior but stops when he realises that they’re crowding in front of the notice board. 

He vaguely recognises the name Choi Beomgyu that is being whispered around and deduces that he must’ve obtained the lead role as Hamlet. Hamlet. The play he signed up for. 

It all comes rushing back to him, a blur of panic. Clutching his backpack tighter, he draws himself to his full height, steeling himself for the oncoming disappointment. He must’ve gotten a small part, maybe they’ll have him in as Yorick’s skull, using him instead of a prop. If he wasn’t panicking, he would’ve laughed at himself. In all seriousness, he does want an adequate part but figures that’s just wishful thinking.

A moth to a flame, he’s drawn into the crowd, waiting his turn to get into the middle, like a penguin flock rotating for warmth. He takes his time, ignoring all the jostling. That is until a sharp squawk yells out “Who the hell is Kamal?” 

And then he’s shoving his way forward, muttering out half-hearted apologies, much too distracted by his desperation to reach the front, until he arrives at his destination, staring at the cast list. It takes a while to sink in, head dizzy from physical activity (he really should’ve taken up Taehyun’s offer to do morning jogs, he thinks in misery, it can’t be healthy how quickly his body wants to shut down on him). There in Times New Roman, size 14 is his name next to Horatio. Hueningkai Kamal. He curses, they even pulled out the full name for this. 

His next thought is then wondering why he’s worrying over his full name. He got the part! He actually got the part. It’s a rush of endorphins, feeling euphoria wash over him, a wave crashing against the shore. A huge wave at that. He grabs his phone, taking multiple pictures, most ending up blurry due to the increasing collisions he faces against the younger students. He takes a few more, spinning around and flitting through the crowd. This time he apologises with more sincerity, his shoves are less violent. 

Once he reaches the clearing, he pushes himself forward to the lockers, resisting the urge to fall to the floor. It’s happiness and it’s painful, his legs feel like absolute jelly, but he charges forward before slumping against his locker, the cold metal cooling down his burning forehead. He strains to hold himself upright, using the locker to help distribute his weight, seconds away from just sliding to the pool. He only needs a moment.

He hurries to collect his items, marching out, heading home with a spring in his step. He plugs in his earphones, feeling absolutely on top of the world. This is it, this was the feeling he missed, accomplishment and pure happiness at gaining a role. He’s not even gutted that he’s not the main character - who would be? At least Horatio is cool. 

The journey home is a blur, the background fading around him as he bops his head to the beat, resisting the urge to act as though he’s in a musical. (It’s hard; he feels compelled to tap-dance his way home, before reprimanding himself because he would look like an utter fool. It’s really hard.)

When he arrives at his door, he pauses, taking the time to collect himself. Kai wonders who he’ll come across first, will it be his sisters or his mum? Pulling out his keys, he unlocks the door, taking care to not make a noise, even going as far as to slowly kick off his shoes and place them on the rack, a fact that he knows his mother will appreciate considering he rarely enters with such manners and care. 

Walking towards the kitchen, he hears the hum of the radio playing and grins. His mum it is. The journey proves harder than he thought it would be, skidding on the tiles, laughing boisterously as he pulls himself up straight again, from where he landed on the floor, a pile of legs. If anyone saw him, they would think Kai has never had fun in his life, and they wouldn’t be far off. Ever since that fateful day last year, he hasn’t seen himself let loose like this, uncaring of appearances, just unbridled joy. He’s used to taming his actions, keeping the entirety of himself locked away that when he lets go, it’s relieving.

It will only make the pain worse. The knife cutting in the wound deeply, metal mere millimetres away from the bone.

Despite his initial assumption that his mother would be milling around the kitchen, listening to the four o’clock news updates, he finds that he’s wrong. Instead, she’s sitting in one of their bar rickety bar stools on the kitchen island, head leaning on the counter, sheets of paper underneath her. On further inspection, Kai realises that she’s sleeping, passed out on top of bills. He’s always been bursting with curiosity especially when it’s matters that concern him and his family, so he barely thinks when he traipses over, peering over her shoulder to look at the fine print. She stirs, and he leans away, inspecting the numbers closer, cursing when he realises that they’re near the deadline for the month’s rent. 

Kai isn’t dumb, no matter how much his mum tries to hide it, he knows they’re not the most well off family, but he thought they were doing okay, just about managing. From the numbers and the deadlines, and the rough calculations his mum has scribbled over the paper, he realises dejectedly that he was played like a fool. He thought they were making ends meet, but he comes from a family of actors, and his mum was the best actor of them all, concealing from him just how much they were struggling.

The euphoria he experienced at the notice board has rapidly disappeared, replaced by guilt and heaviness. When he trails upstairs, he wonders about what he could do, maybe he could get a part-time job that could accommodate his rehearsal times. He thinks through any job offer notices he’s seen stuck on shop doors, trying to work out which employer would be kind enough to fit around an employee's time frame, rather than the employer’s own.

In his musings, he’s made it outside his sisters’ shared room. He can tell his mum later, telling the girls first about the happy news, maybe it’ll lighten up the mood.

And just like the first time the moon lost its way, derailing off course, Kai doesn’t see it coming. Fool him twice, shame on him. 

Okay, that’s a bit of a lie. He expects it somewhere in the back of his mind, dragging his feet upstairs was a challenge, the knowledge that there was something bad to come. Later, he’ll try to convince himself that it was what he wanted all along, that he knew he needed to make this decision, it was the best for all of them after all. Later, he’ll pretend to be strong, to ease his family’s worries, to stop them from feeling guilty about the other moon that is thrown off orbit.

It all starts when he arrives outside his sisters’ room, their door ajar. At first, he can’t discern who’s speaking, just a clamour of voices, until one of them, Lea, raises her voice. Which is odd, because Lea rarely does that - she’s not one for yelling, not even when Kai mixes up the laundry baskets, putting his cardigans in the pile of whites instead of the coloured. 

That’s where it all goes wrong. The second act, the build-up reaching the pinnacle of his tragic life. 

“I’ll just get another job. Mrs Kim is hiring at her local store, says she wants someone Korean, not one of the white kids. Something about how they won’t know what to sell. You know what older ladies are like,”

“Lea, you’re already juggling two jobs, and the tutoring on the weekends, I’ll take this one don’t worry.” responds the youngest Huening sibling.

Kai shakes from behind the door, not wanting to enter just yet, testing out the waters. (The truth is, he’s allowing himself final moments of selfishness, wallowing in the last threads of happiness that he had been fortunate to enjoy earlier that day.)

“Bahiyyih, baby, you’re not even legal yet, look at you. There’s no way she’ll let a minor take the job.”

“Maybe she won’t care! She just wants a Korean, I’m a Korean, it works out. I’ll lie and say I’m older. We can’t keep letting mum suffer under the bills.”

A musician reaching the crescendo, the final notes lingering in the air, the music quickening. He was blind to it all. His family are actors, perhaps Kai has been the one hiding in the wings all along, oblivious to the pain his worlds are suffering from.

“No, I’m not letting you do that.” retorts the older girl, voice making no room for arguments. “Case closed, I can handle it. We just can’t let Kai know, okay? Promise me.”

“I promise. Don’t worry, I’d never tell him. Do you think he’s found out that he’s got the part yet?”

The conversation moves along, his sisters’ both discussing him, whilst Kai is slumped against the wall, reeling from everything that he’s heard. He listens in again.

“Taehyun said his locker is empty, that he should be on his way home. Should we surprise him?” asks Bahiyyih, the sound of drawers opening draining out their voices again. Or maybe, that's just Kai’s head, allowing the world to slip away from him.

His family are actors. He’s just been the worst at playing his role.

At their fastest, the particles in the Large Hadron Collider travel at around 299.8 million metres per second, yet Kai thinks that’s still not as quick as it is to make the decision that undoubtedly changes the course of his life.

He charges in the room, grinning hugely. Both his sisters jump in shock, before leaping up to hug him, congratulations pouring in.

“What are you congratulating me for? You don’t even know what I have to say yet,” he says, ever the picture of confusion, ruffling Bahiyyih’s hair, then wincing when she slaps his hand away.

The girls exchange looks and giggle. “We already know, don't worry. Well done for getting the part!” responds Lea, looking up at him, pride filling her vision as she combs through his hair.

He feigns confusion. “Huh? The part? Which… oh! They revealed the cast already?”

Both sisters share an unsure glance. “Yeah! Wait, did you come home without checking?”

Kai nods his head. “I had no idea, I forgot today was even the day.” That isn’t a lie, he really did forget about the sign-up.

They swap looks once again. “So what was the good news,” begins Bahiyyih, sitting onto her bed, legs folded underneath her.

“I got a job!” The lie slips off easily off his tongue, like a trickle of water down a window, a path so easy. It should be criminal how easy it was to form the lie. The expressions his siblings make are comical, both frozen in shock. “Why aren’t you congratulating me now?” he whines. “My first job! Can you believe it?”

Neither move, stuck in place. “Okay, I don’t blame you guys, I wouldn’t believe it either.” he sighs, exaggerating his bluff. “But hear me out first! I was walking home right, and then I came across the corner Korean store which had a notice up, asking for a cashier. Normally I ignore it, right?” They both nod accordingly, unsure of the direction Kai’s tale is leading. “So for once, I decided, oh wait let me read it, even though I don't even like reading. And then I walked in, and she offered me the job on the spot! It was quite shocking actually- “

“Wait, you’re saying Mrs Kim just offered you the job like that?” interrupts Lea, no longer as though she was a victim of Medusa, turned to stone.

Kai grins, “Yep! Naturally, it should’ve been expected, I’m Kai Kamal Huening after- ouch, what was the punch for,” he whines, nursing the sharp pain in his ribs.

“Why would you, of all people, even get a job in the first place? You’re the laziest person I know.” 

He pouts indignantly, inhaling deeply to form a lie, stuttering his way through his response that he’s improvising. “I need the money for university, I was thinking of sharing some of it with you guys, and then putting some aside for me. That way, mum can pay her bills with a bit of help, Lea doesn't have to take up any more jobs and can do her apprenticeship and we can be one happy family!”

Again, it’s incredible how easily he delivers the lie, with such ease that he’s slightly annoyed that his apparently already established lying skills abandon him when he’s playing mafia. Kai’s never been one to lie, but this entire conversation makes him consider his entire acting career. He is an actor.

“What about Hamlet? You still got the role,” reminds Bahiyyih. He moves near his older sister, rubbing her belly in an attempt to soothe himself, before delivering his answer. He looks over at the former, who’s sprawled on top of her bed, across the room from him and shrugs. 

“It’s okay, I’ll just tell them I can’t do it. I got Horatio… you know how much I dislike side characters who are walked over like doormats by the main lead.” As soon as he says those lines, he buries his head into Lea’s shoulder, having to hunch over even deeper due to the height difference between them. He knows he doesn’t have either of them fully convinced, they might bring it up again later to push him to change his mind, but if anything, Kai thinks he delivered a stellar performance of his lie. 

Later, when he’s lying in bed, narrating the same forged lies to Taehyun, it dawns on him that today is still his birthday. In the chaos of gaining the role, getting hired via a fake job and just general exhaustion, he thinks it’s bittersweet. He's glad that he’s doing something useful for his family for once in his life, but the fact that he’s gained and given up a role in just a span of a few hours, lingers in the air, settling as a chill in his bones, with another scar clawed across his heart.

At exactly 17 years old, Kai watches as his second and final moon is shoved out of orbit, falling across the sky with sparks following behind, landing on his bedroom floor. The glimmers are stark against his dark carpet, splattered like blood, except in place of blood, there is shimmering silver paint. 

At 17 and a week old, Kai starts his job as a cashier, shocking Mrs Kim when he walks in begging to be chosen. At 17 and a week old, Kai accepts that his life will follow a different course, just like his moons lost somewhere alone in space.

──── ⋆⋅☽⋅⋆ ────

It takes a while for him to become accustomed to handling a job alongside school. Kai welcomes the distraction, throwing himself into his work to avoid the gaping hole left in his heart. 

To the world, he plays the hardest role he’s ever landed, the role of the happy-go-lucky boy who brings light to every room he enters. In fact, he plays it so well that he even manages to convince Taehyun that he’s doing okay. But behind the scenes, hidden within the thick red stage curtains, Kai manages the role of someone else. A boy that has given up on his dreams, a boy who pretends not to see the emailed schedules the drama club keeps sending come every season. It’s harder during those times when he’s alone staring at his ceiling that’s covered in glow in the dark stars, meditating about what his life would be if he never stumbled across his sisters’ conversation.

Not that he regrets his decision, not wholly. It’s difficult. It’s really difficult. Standing there, watching as your passion slips away from you, liquid gold in your hand until it turns into dust that piles onto the floor. It’s watching everything you’ve ever wanted catch itself in the billowing wind, snatched away in the gusts, thrown across the horizon.

It’s different. It’s one thing to let go of your dream yourself, give a kiss goodbye, turning your back and making the monumental walk away from the little spark. It’s something else entirely when you build yourself up, to try out again, only to find that life has come together to conspire against you, to leave you on the ground like fallen ashes.

It’s foolish. Objectively speaking, there are people who have faced harder paths than him, have travelled down rickety roads covered in potholes and speed bumps, yet here he is, wallowing over the one time it was snatched off him, and the one time he let it go. He has no one to blame, and as always, it’s the easiest to blame himself.

Backstage, Kai can be found curled into a ball on his bed, drowning in the blankets as he sobs into his fist clutching his plethora of plushies. Having a long torso means he can hide into at least five teddies from his collection. 

When it’s centre stage, Kai plays the part ever so diligently, the loyal best friend, the dutiful son, the annoying brother. He acts them well, wonders if he should run a vlog show to recount his daily performances which are - even he says so himself - Oscar-worthy.

Settling into the job is easy. Mrs Kim is a nice middle aged lady, who treats Kai as though he’s her long lost son, and in turn, he responds to her like the auntie he never had. And he can’t say he doesn’t enjoy the coddling, it makes his shifts fun, coming into the store with his cheeks squished as she hands him his favourite kimchi mandu that she made earlier that day. Then he mans the till, stomach full and body warm. It’s a reprieve from the hassles of acting, the mundanity of it all is effortless to fall into.

It’s ironic how the one place that snatched away his dreams is now the only place he finds solace. He matures in that store, as the aisles change across the year, so does he, growing into himself even more so that he’s now almost 6 foot, with his hair shaggy, falling into his face. Taehyun likens him to an overgrown puppy, but in all honesty, Kai thinks Taehyun isn’t one to speak when his best friend looks more like Hobak, Taehyun’s cat, with every passing day. When they say pets look like their owners, it’s true.

With the change in months, is the development of his friendships with people of the outside world. In May, two months before it’s his birthday, a student taller than him ambles into the store, asking if Kai knows where it’s possible to find jobs. Kai is startled, mumbling a half-hearted answer of “Not sure, sorry.” The taller boy just smiles, dimples adorning his cheeks (which annoyingly could out squish Kai’s own) and reassures Kai, before making his way around the store, shopping basket in hand as he collects groceries.

When Mrs Kim comes through the store entrance, she catches sight of the dimpled boy immediately. A boy as tall as him would be hard to miss (not to mention the pastel blue hair), and she looks not so subtly at Kai in question. Kai shrugs, returning to the Rubik’s cube he’s fiddling with. 

Kai doesn’t expect the older woman to be so straightforward (a misjudgement on his part, he knows full well that she doesn’t beat around the bush) but he supposes the shock in this situation comes from the fact she takes one look at the tall blue haired student, who’s hunched over the highest row of items, and offers him a job on the spot.

Both the student and Kai are flabbergasted, but the other man immediately accepts the offer, sending Kai the largest grin with the deepest dimples on show. Kai returns the smile, after a slight pause. The company is welcome, the shop is his solace but he doesn’t mind sharing with someone so sunny.

And so it goes. They become fast friends, sticking onto each other like gum. Where Kai goes, Soobin follows, where Soobin is, Kai can be found not too far. At first, Kai was concerned about introducing Soobin to Taehyun, wondering if there would be a contest for his affections, or if Taehyun would react negatively to Kai’s now other best friend.

In fact, he couldn’t be any more wrong. The meeting of Taehyun and Soobin is probably the worst and strangest day of his life. Okay, worst is an exaggeration, unexpected would be more fitting. Never had he seen Taehyun blush so deeply (the older had red hair, and seeing the flushed boy with tomato hair makes quite the spectacle) or Soobin stutter so much. They hit off just as easily as Soobin and Kai did, and Kai finds himself unwittingly as the third wheel in a mutually pining pair.

Thankfully, Taehyun keeps his visits to the corner store to a minimum, too busy with university preparations and final exams, Soobin himself working on multiple essays for his psychology major. Despite Kai’s complaints, and the fake retching he mimes out behind the till when he catches the two staring at each other for seconds too long, he’s more than happy the two have found each other. They’re still young, and it’s too early to call it love or anything of the sort, it’s just comfortable friendship, with the ever present hint of something more. For both Soobin and Taehyun, Kai will always come first, an act Kai appreciates greatly. 

The season draws itself to an end, and Kai debates if he’s glad or if he’d rather return to the endless summer fun, lazing in the eternal sun. Because the end of summer signals the start of autumn - a new chapter in his life, as he turns 18, changing from a gangly high schooler to a barely-surviving university student, already falling behind on his sleep. Some part of him is incredibly thankful that he launched himself at Mrs Kim that fateful day, because he’s at the city’s local university on a scholarship, able to provide for himself items of stationery, clothes and other essentials, relieving his mum of the financial burden.

The memory of his acting dreams plagues him sometimes. It’s a wound that’s still healing, skin that is repairing itself even if the new skin is rough and covered in ridges. Like super glueing a broken glass mug together, pieces sticking out awkwardly, imperfections glaringly present. 

Kintsugi. The art of repairing broken pottery by putting the pieces back together with gold, built upon the idea that through embracing flaws and imperfections, greater art can be made. Kai's the pottery, broken, suffering irreversible damage. He's still yet to find the gold.

He won’t ever be the same again, and even if he’s still far from making peace with that fact, he can entertain the other changes life brings with growing up.

Such as partying.

Standing on the front porch on his own, he stares at the black door, hand raised in a knock. He was invited by Soobin, who was invited by another one of his friends. Essentially, Kai is the plus one of a plus one. He finds that he doesn’t really mind, glad that he has his anonymity to fall back on in case anything goes wrong. Not that it would - he tries not to think the worst of every situation he ever finds himself in (the failed audition fucked with him in more ways than he can count, but he refuses to ever view the world so pessimistically; at most he’s pragmatic about the wounds that scatter the surface of the earth.) 

Hand still paused in the air, he takes one look at his outfit, a denim jacket on top of a white shirt with a rainbow logo plastered on the front, dark skinny jeans as trousers and suede boots which, if you look close enough, have a few scuffs around the edges. Kai hopes no one does that, look close enough that is, it’s a party where people let loose, surely no one will sit there, judging his fashion decisions.

Later, he realises he has greater problems than the quality of his footwear. Greater problems being soaring meteors that crash land onto balconies, only the dark sky privy to the cataclysmic event of two entities meeting once again.

The door opens and he enters, welcomed with open arms, and he relaxes, following the host through to the bar. After much deliberation, he asks for a beer, looking over the heads of other party-goers dancing to see if he can spot Soobin. He doesn’t find the older, which in his dazed mind (from the initial effects of the alcohol, Kai is a bit of a lightweight), is annoying, considering the elder is now sporting the brightest pastel pink hair known to mankind. 

And so the drunken search for Soobin begins.

Kai pushes through the crowds, spilling his drink with every jostle and nudge, but it’s not his house so he decides that he’s not too bothered. It’s a party anyway, the host is probably aware of the consequences. Taking another swig out of his paper cup, warm alcohol burning the back of his throat, he walks on, heading to the stairs. He’s not too far gone yet, that he’s lost all his manners, and pauses, wondering if there are any unspoken rules that he’s breaching if he goes up. Looking around, he decides that he’s all clear to go, no one has come to yell at him yet, and he continues ahead, heaving himself up with the help of the bannister.

Arriving on the landing he pauses, taking in his surroundings followed by a sip of his beer, only to realise he’s out of alcohol. Kai sighs, pausing his search to locate a bin to dispose of the paper cup in. He walks unsteadily, taking his time as he peers at the doors he passes, giving each a gentle nudge. Four doors down, he’s still yet to locate a bin - and Soobin is still missing within the house - but Kai can’t bring himself to care, not when his attention snags on to something else.

Not when the moon demands his attention. Because at the end of the long first floor hallway, is a door left wide open, the floor of the room painted in hues of silver and white, whorls of glitter. It’s enough to make him abandon every rational thought he has, barely registering that his legs are carrying him forwards or the fact that he dropped his empty cup in the middle of the hallway. Each step forward brings a stronger tug at his chest, the pull is unavoidable and heady, the need to enter clouding his judgement.

It’s only when he steps foot into the open room that he notices his vision has deceived him, played him better than a musician plays their instrument. The hues have disappeared, leaving darkness in their wake. What was once glimmering, is now dull, as though light has been sucked out of the area. It’s saddening, Kai loves pretty things. Especially shiny, pretty things, likening himself to a magpie on multiple occasions. Whenever he sees something sparkle, it has him occupied for the next few hours, just to take in the beauty of the shimmers, the cascading whirlpool of silvery colours. 

The clearing of a throat startles him from his saddened thoughts, eyes slowly dragging across the floor to locate the noise. From where he’s standing, all he can see is a figure shrouded in darkness but can make out the outline from where the moonlight is falling over the stranger. 

So that’s where the light went. A question he never knew he needed the answer to.

Kai stumbles forward, the raging in his heart screaming again, desperation to connect, become one with the light. When he reaches a few steps away, he can see the stranger more clearly, dark hair reaching his shoulder, with piercings glinting through the strands. He gives himself some more time to take in this vision, the boy’s side profile is nothing short of ethereal from the short distance away, that Kai’s frozen stuck in. 

If Artemis had male favourites, this boy would be one of them, Kai thinks. There’s no way a god would ever be foolish enough to pass up on someone as splendid as this.

And when the stranger turns around… When the stranger turns around, he feels his heart completely stop, a choir ringing in his ears, that extinguishes all his thoughts. It’s like something has knocked into him; he’s beyond stupefied, it’s too much, it’s not enough and he finds himself wanting. 

(Kai hasn’t wanted this much in years. Hasn’t felt the craving digging underneath his skin, begging to be released, failed attempts of crawling out. The last time he wanted, he lost everything he ever wanted. He won’t let it happen again.)

“You’re not Soobin hyung,” he struggles to stutter out. If the stranger catches how out of breath Kai sounds, he doesn’t comment on it, even if his eyebrow lifts in confusion.

“Of course I’m not Soobin hyung, the guy has bright pink hair and a good few inches on me,” drawls the stranger, letting his gaze drop down Kai, assessing him. He turns back to face the night sky, the moon returning to its rightful place.

“You know Soobin hyung? Have you seen him?” Again, Kai barely manages to push those words out, it’s difficult to even think clearly because all he can hear is his heart crashing against his ribs, torrents of captivation through his body, all too much at once. In a blind leap of faith, he steps forward, reaching where the stranger is until they’re both now leaning side by side against the balcony railings. 

The moon doesn’t cover Kai in the same way, he notices fleetingly. Perhaps it’s better that way, there’s no way he would ever want to grab the moon’s attention, not when there’s someone so much more worthy beside him. And so he takes in the boy's features, just as the other did with Kai moments ago.

“Yeah, I know Soobin, seen him ‘round a couple of times. We study together sometimes. He buys me iced americanos, a decent guy.” The boy turns to face him again, and something in Kai clicks with a huge jolt. He trips into the boy, who releases a startled cry, and helps Kai stand upright again. “Woah there dude, take it easy, how much have you had to drink?”

“You look familiar,” mutters Kai, rubbing his eyes, fingers digging in slightly to blur his vision. When it comes back to him, he’s shocked to see that his mind isn’t playing tricks on him, that who he’s seeing right now is actually standing in front of him, now inches shorter than Kai.

“Hmm, I am part of the university band,”

“The university has a band?” exclaims the taller in shock. Why didn’t they include that tidbit of information in the brochure? Better yet, why didn’t Soobin bother informing him?

In between reeling from the shocking revelation, some part of Kai thinks back to the piano they have in the living room of his house, lid covered in dust from the years of loneliness, Kai struggling to open it. Maybe he could try again. He shakes the thought off, instead deciding to fixate on the betrayal of Soobin, how the older male failed to tell him useful information about the place he plans to go the next four years, and then remembers the fact that he’s standing just a foot away from Punk Boy of all people. The other male has his own look of shock plastered across his face, which easily morphs into accusation.

“Either you live under a rock and study in every given moment, which don’t get me wrong, you really don’t look the type for, or you don’t even go to the university…” he trails off, before tilting his head, ready to scrutinise Kai again. “Shit, are you a minor? You do look a tad young,”

“What? No! My birthday was a month ago, I’m going to uni this term.” retorts Kai, tone indignant, folding his hands together, then unfolding them to grip the balcony instead. “You’re Punk Boy.”

“Sorry, what? I’m not 'Punk Boy,' I’m Choi Beomgyu.”

They face each other again, Beomgyu leaning against the railings, Kai hunched and looking over.

“No, well, I mean yes, that’s your name, but you’re Punk Boy. From the theatre. I’ve seen you before.”

Punk Boy, or rather Beomgyu (the name digs at him, why’s it so familiar?), scowls, face hardening. “I wouldn't be caught dead near a theatre, you must have the wrong guy. Now, if you don’t mind, you’ve disturbed my peaceful moment… balcony’s all yours, goodbye.” He lets go of the railings, stepping towards the exit.

“No, wait! I’m Shakespeare Boy.” 

It’s deja vu, once again Kai is reaching out for the older, desperate for more time, clutching at flimsy straws. He sees the other pause in his steps and holds his own breath in turn. There’s a chance his attempt didn’t work, and that he’ll experience it all over again; the boy disappearing like the stars disappear behind thick, grey clouds on a bad day, leaving Kai behind, alone and yearning for more.

It doesn’t happen like that. Beomgyu turns around, gaze softer than a feather, golden brown eyes boring into Kai’s. “Shakespeare Boy? Did the Petruchio work out?”

Maybe it’s his world coming to a stop, the inertia of his feelings whipping him back and forth, or maybe, (more plausibly but Kai is a romantic and an actor, he lives for theatrics) it’s the alcohol still burning inside of him that makes him release a watery giggle. “It didn’t, but you knew that didn’t you?”

Beomgyu grimaces, tightening his jacket around him before striding over to where Kai is standing in wait, taking his place once more under the moon, nature’s spotlight. He rests his chin on his palms, staring at Kai. “Yeah, I suppose I did.” There’s a silence, calm enveloping them before the former speaks again. “But it’s always nice to see a dreamer before they fall.” 

Kai scoffs. The comment shouldn’t sting, it’s been years, Kai has gotten over it, he’s no longer dwelling on the past. But it does, because whether he likes it or not, Beomgyu seems to see right through, deep down, unravelling him to the core. 

“Kinda sadistic of you,” he finally says, settling onto his own palms, both boys looking down at the long garden.

“Life’s a sadist. Gets off on the pain.” Despite the nature of his words, Beomgyu gazes off into the distance, a small smile adorning his face. Kai chuckles lightly, an indication that he heard what Beomgyu has just said. 

The orchestra in Kai's mind has settled down, the music is no longer a violent symphony, screeching angels and clanging cymbals. It's now a soothing hum, a gentle song lulling him on, and he settles further down, back bent awkwardly. The drawbacks that come with being tall, he thinks with mirth.

"Well Shakespeare Boy, will thou do the honour of telling me thy name?" asks Beomgyu, peering at Kai through his bangs.

"Huening Kai Kamal, nice to meet you," he answers, flashing a grin at the older.

The older stiffens, almost imperceptibly but Kai is attuned to the shorter boy's movements already, having barely taken his eyes off Beomgyu the whole time. The action worries him, and he draws himself back up to his full height, prepared for bad news even though he has no idea why Beomgyu would have any bad news to begin with. He feels like a child who has unknowingly walked into a judge's reckoning, and he grips his hands on the bannister with a little more force than necessary.

"You're the gum?” mutters Beomgyu, the words coming out gruffly. “No wonder you were looking for Soobin hyung,"

At Kai's bewildered and imploring expression, he rolls his eyes, picking at the skin around his nail when he responds with an unexpected edge to his words. "I know him, remember. He talks about you often."

"Hyung talks about me? No wonder he's my gum, thank you for telling me, I can't wait to bully him about this," cackles Kai, laughter carrying into the breeze.

"You do that. I'm gonna go, good luck with finding your boyfriend, gum, whatever you call him." There's a moment of jilted silence before Beomgyu heaves a sigh, stepping away from the railings whilst Kai watches in confusion. 

When Beomgyu’s words finally register he immediately catches Beomgyu’s arm to pull him back. Despite the older’s attempts to shake Kai off, Kai is still the taller of the two and his grip around Beomgyu’s wrist is strong, allowing him to tug Beomgyu closer to him.

“But I don’t have a boyfriend,”

Beomgyu scowls at him, finally pulling his hand out of Kai’s hold, rubbing the skin where Kai had gripped him. “What?” he spits out, eyebrows furrowed together. 

Kai takes a moment to appreciate the view, Beomgyu looks beautiful, standing there scorning. The moon could never cause such harm, it can be charming and addicting in the best and worst of ways, but never one to hurt others. The taller thinks the annoyance escaping from the cracks of Beomgyu’s visage is stunning, godlike scorn.

“I don’t have a boyfriend,” he repeats, letting his eyes drag across the older’s face until his gaze settles on meeting Beomgyu’s eyes, the irises no longer honeyed, but now the colour of molten chocolate.

It’s satisfying to see how Beomgyu seems to almost sag in relief, exhaling deeply before he shifts, a hard stare pointed in Kai’s direction. “Do you like him though?”

Time stops for a moment. Despite the lighthearted, earnest way Beomgyu says it, Kai realises the question is a double-edged sword, digging, poised for battle, waiting for Kai to give his affirmation.

He doesn't. Respond affirmative, that is. Because it would be a lie, not when the fates seem to have aligned somewhere for him, handing Beomgyu to him this easily, as if before this they actually talked. 

After a pause that seems to drag on, Beomgyu’s gaze beating down on him, Kai shakes his head. 

“He’s like my brother.” He wants to laugh at the absurdity of liking Soobin but refrains from doing so, opting to continue softly, placatingly. “He has a thing going on with my best friend, it’s not official or anything, but yeah, I definitely don’t have any romantic feelings whatsoever for hyung.”

Underneath the moon, he feels his breath catch, losing the ability to speak. Despite having sobered up a while ago, it’s as though the alcohol comes roaring back, heady and electrifying, clogging his systems, his brain screaming Beomgyu, Beomgyu, Beomgyu , a chant that increases with every look the older sends his way. 

Because when Beomgyu smiles, the world grinds to a halt. For all that Kai has seen the shorter boy as a true embodiment of the moon, at that moment he can’t help but think he’s been wrong the entire time. 

Kai has spent his entire life being equated to the sun, those who meet him claim that he’s the bubbliest person they’ve ever come across -  he’s a mood maker, the much needed serotonin boost. Taehyun says Kai is radiant, has so much to give, that sometimes his brightness is blinding in the best way possible, like basking in the sun when you’re high off life. So Kai has always thought he was like the sun: loyal, true to a fault.

Yet the smile gracing Beomgyu’s face is nothing short of striking, taking his breath away until Kai feels inconsequential, like a raindrop landing on the vast ocean. When Beomgyu smiles, it’s like happiness and warmth combined, to the point Kai can’t discern whether the beating of his heart is from awe, or if it’s from the overwhelming desire he now has to protect Beomgyu with everything he has. Or maybe it’s both, beneath the night sky, Beomgyu is the sun, the brightest star in existence. Beomgyu isn’t the moon, he’s the centre of the universe, the centre of Kai’s universe. 

When Kai finally manages to tear his eyes off the corners of Beomgyu’s smile, he catches the elder looking at him questioningly, head tipped forward in wait. He starts, answering the question with a confused look of his own, eyebrows furrowed, biting his lip in uncertainty. Beomgyu’s smile only widens, and he approaches Kai, until the two are centimetres apart, sun eclipsing the moon.

“I said, you don’t mind if I do this right?” he asks, eyes twinkling, their noses touching. It’s dizzying, all he can hear is his own sharp breaths that seem to mingle with Beomgyu’s own calm breaths as he tiptoes to Kai’s height.

“Do what?” Kai manages out, feeling like a stranger in his own body with how distant his voice is even though the words come from his mouth. Beomgyu is everywhere , crowding in, incapacitating Kai, rendering him frozen in wait. He doesn’t even realise that he’s starting to lean down, until Beomgyu has his hands wrapped around Kai’s neck, drawing himself closer and closer, until they’re both looking at each other cross-eyed.

When Beomgyu presses his lips on Kai’s own, all Kai can think is that nothing has ever felt so right, it’s like everything has been leading to this moment, where they’re both wrapped in each other’s orbit. Everything is so warm and fluffy and tender, Kai feels a fire stoke inside of him, the flames licking their way up and it’s so warm. 

It’s deceivingly innocent, Beomgyu’s lips are firm against his, just a gentle pressing of lips, nothing more. But it’s somehow so much more than that, it’s as though Beomgyu is trying to pour as much devotion as he can in one move. Kai pushes up against him until he’s impossibly close, their chests touching. The kiss is chaste, it’s over just as quick as it started. They didn’t even deepen the kiss, just a quick locking of lips, yet Kai finds it hard to breathe, trying to muffle his pants.

When Beomgyu draws back, Kai’s eyes take a moment to flutter open, watching in keen interest as Beomgyu’s eyelashes cast shadows across his cheeks, taking the time to appreciate the light eyeshadow the younger has on his lids, a painting of bronze and silver, that shines luminously against his skin. 

Everything comes down to Beomgyu. The night larks sing his name, the moon is still casting itself over the older, and now it’s Kai who has been pulled into the spotlight, centre stage with the main character. It’s still hard to determine what Beomgyu is, if he’s a child of the moon, or the sun personified, but with the curly haired brunette in his arms, Kai decides that Beomgyu is all of those at once. He’s everything - he’s made for Kai, he’s Kai’s type, he’s an uncontainable beauty that is beyond any other person Kai has ever met.

Neither make any move to let go, Beomgyu still has his head tipped back, eyes closed and thumb rubbing at the back of Kai’s neck, occasionally tugging the ends of Kai’s chestnut brown hair. In turn, the latter is still staring at Beomgyu, uninterrupted, tracing a finger down the side of Beomgyu’s face, his angled jaw and strong cheekbones. His other hand is fisted underneath his tassel denim jacket, skin burning on skin when he realises that he’s touching the small of Beomgyu’s back, cursing quietly into the older’s ear, as understanding sinks in. What Kai had previously thought was just a patterned jumper, he belatedly registers that it’s not just a sweater, but one that’s cropped, and riding up the other’s stomach.

Beomgyu only has the audacity to giggle, finally cracking his eyes open after the soft kiss they’ve shared. Kai returns the smile, not wanting to break the warm bubble they’ve enveloped themselves in. It seems as though Beomgyu shares his sentiment, standing there in Kai’s arms, both of them sinking in the other’s gaze. Kai feels at ease, the world has blurred around them, it’s just him and Beomgyu alone, together. 

When they finally move apart, it’s at Beomgyu’s request, the older complaining that his neck hurts from bending backwards because why the hell is Kai so tall, the latter snickering in response. They’re no longer locked in each other’s arms, yet the tug between them is unmistakable, even when they aren’t touching, they’re still in line with each other, stuck within the same sphere. 

Peace. That’s all Kai can say it is, he feels a wound inside him closing, the hurt he felt at sixteen ebbing away until the memory of it no longer leaves him feeling distraught. Instead, he finds a silver lining, because the fateful audition brought him Punk Boy - it brought him Beomgyu, and it’s like finding someone he never knew he needed, but can no longer go on without.

It’s grounding. Every satellite needs its source, and Kai wonders if finally, finally he’s found his.

A harsh yell of his name cuts through the silence, an arrow released into the night. Both boys turn to the voice, to find Soobin gazing back, an indescribable look in his eyes as he takes in Beomgyu and Hueningkai stood side by side, arms touching, not a sign of discomfort to be seen.

(Soobin is probably the one person who can read him like an open book, taking in even the ignored footnotes and appendices. Even Taehyun sometimes struggles to understand what Kai is thinking, but Soobin gets him. He wonders if the pink haired psychology major can see the galaxy shared between Kai and Beomgyu, how their solar systems are bound together.)

“Oh, found you! I was looking for you Kai, where have you been?” slurs out Soobin, leaning against the doorframe to collect himself. “Oh, wow. Is that Beomgyu? Choi Beomgyu, meet our Hueningkai!”

“Thanks, hyung, but I think it’s time we go home. I was looking for you too, you really are a mess without me, aren’t you?” says Kai, approaching Soobin, tone fond. This is familiar ground, dealing with a drunk Soobin is second nature now. He pauses, spinning around to find that Beomgyu has returned to staring at the sky, shoulders hunched. “Beomgyu... Hyung?”

The male looks over his shoulder, curly hair falling onto his face, obscuring his eyes from Kai. The question at the tip of his tongue dies down as he suddenly decides to chicken out. He can ask for a number next time. “See you later?” The phrase comes out more like a question than a statement. 

He almost misses the half smile that is thrown in his direction, a crescent that causes a dimple to pop up at the corner of Beomgyu’s cheek. Soobin is forgotten, all Kai can think about is how beautiful Beomgyu looks swaying over to him like this, moonlight running off his skin. 

“You're going to start uni soon, right?” Kai nods. “You know Soobin hyung too.” He hums contemplatively. Kai thinks he’s about to reach out and ruffle his hair, but Beomgyu’s arm pulls back, the older fluffing up his own hair instead. The thought is immediately dismissed. “Find me.”

“What?”

“When you start, it’ll be easier for you to come to me than me coming to you. So find me ,” he says, emphasising the final two syllables. 

And then he’s pushing Kai towards Soobin, waving goodbye. Kai turns to step closer to Beomgyu instead, but the raven-haired boy shakes his head, indicating at Soobin again, the elder asleep against the doorframe, some drool slipping out of his mouth. He sighs, looking back at Beomgyu again, even if he’s turned away, taking in his profile one more time before heading to the elder, heaving him out of the room, ready for the struggle it’s going to be to take his hyung home. 

At 18 years and one month old, Kai realises his type is angelic boys who glow in the dark and shine vibrantly in the light. He walks home, Soobin in a tow but all he feels is endless calm, watching in silence as one of his moons take their rightful place in the sky. He’s not fully healed, there’s still gaping darkness inside of him, but with the return of one moon, he decides maybe life isn’t too bad at all.

──── ⋆⋅☽⋅⋆ ────

Sometimes it’s just really easy to forget. Kai doesn’t pride himself for being a forgetful person, but that is what he is, especially when taking his time to settle into the new life that starting university provides him with. It’s daunting, Soobin had made it sound so easy and Kai fell for it, forgetting that Soobin is way too level-headed for his own good, whilst Kai was someone who dealt with change bit by bit, taking everything apart at the seams before building it back in his own manageable pace. 

Campus is a brand new scene for him, and even with the senior help of Soobin, and his saviour Taehyun by his side, Kai takes time to adapt. By the time he feels at home, he’s drowning in essays, running solely on energy drinks, and ready-made noodles. Sometimes it’s just really easy to forget.

In all honesty, that’s the lie he tells himself in the nights when there’s finally an intermission from the busy days, just him and the moon. It’s a disease in his mind, every time his curtains billow open, the moon is peeking through, reminding him of his… promise. If it can even be considered a promise.

Kai wouldn’t call it a promise, not really. It’s not like he told Beomgyu that he would definitely find him in fact, he barely remembers even accepting the other’s words of finding him first. Kai takes risks, sure, but this is just a jump too far - one he figures will have an unstable landing.

Time waits for no one. And so life goes on. 

When the new year rolls around, Beomgyu is now a fond memory that Kai holds on to, Punk Boy claiming a part of his heart that he knows he won’t ever lose affection for. But he’s moved on, no longer seeking out the older in corridors, wondering if he’ll ever catch the glint of piercings. He’s no longer startled anytime he sees the back of a head, where the person has chocolate brown hair, fluffy locks that tumble near shoulders, no longer makes a spectacle of himself by standing in the corridor a moment too long as he tries to angle himself to catch their faces, to see if it’s Beomgyu. It never is. 

And so he moves on. Or at least he tries to, letting go of Beomgyu like a setting a dove to freedom.

At first, Kai thinks it will be liberating, letting go of what might have been his first love. In the moments when he’s alone doing assignments, he’ll come across something interesting and wonder if Beomgyu would like it, what Beomgyu would say. He thinks it’s foolish of him to think so much of someone he’s met twice, and kissed once, someone who he barely knows apart from the fact that they collide, like the moon appearing during daylight, ultimately attached to one another. It’s like soulmates, but it’s also nothing like that at all, they weren't forced together by a red string of fate, it’s just a different type of fate, the fate of two shooting stars coming together to find their landing. 

Theirs is a tale of coincidence. But much time has passed since their last meeting. Perhaps Kai’s luck has just finally run out.

University comes with a range of firsts, not just for Kai, but for Taehyun too. The latter finally confesses to Soobin (although some part of Kai assumes they knew each other’s feelings for a long time, they just put them aside for the sake of convenience; dating is much easier when you’re both stuck in the same uni instead of different schools). Unsurprisingly, they both start dating, rendering Kai as the useless third wheel. 

Okay, that’s a stretch. Whilst Kai does occasionally feel like he’s out of the loop, his best friends also do their best to keep him in the loop, and the dynamic between them doesn’t really change. He and Taehyun still bully Soobin at any given moment, Taehyun still treats Kai like he did when they were just children, protecting him and teaching him the wonders of the world. The only different thing is that Taehyun and Soobin kiss occasionally and cuddle each other often. All in all, it’s not too bad. Even if seeing his best friends kiss can be scarring.

Another first for Taehyun is throwing a birthday party. When Kai asked his best friend why he wanted a birthday party, considering he’d never had one in the whole eighteen years of his life, Taehyun just stared at him, then retorted, “I do whatever I want, Kai-yah, do you want the invite or not?” Of course, Kai had immediately accepted, but it still was something that threw him off. Kang Taehyun was - and is - an enigma. 

The party is going to be held at Soobin’s place, where he and Soobin are living together. When they were choosing dorms, Taehyun and Kai had initially wanted to room together, until Soobin had cheekily reminded them of Kai’s tidying up skills, or lack thereof, and Taehyun had abandoned Kai in favour of living with Soobin instead. 

If you ask Kai, not that anyone does, he would’ve told them that there were other mysterious powers at work, namely in the powers of seduction because there was no way his best friend would change his mind over something as fickle as a few stray socks. So if anything, Taehyun doesn’t reject Kai because of house manners, but because Soobin must’ve worked some romantic voodoo on Taehyun, probably using free kisses as his winning argument. Gay people. How sickening.

That leaves Kai to undergo the process of finding a dorm on his own - something he doesn’t really have much luck in. By the third week of staying at home, his sisters are sick of being rudely awoken at 3 am because Kai deigns to come downstairs from his cove and finally eat dinner. Along with their mum, they decide to put an end to his procrastination, making him sit down in front of a laptop for four days straight to go dorm hunting. 

It would have lasted longer, if, on the fourth (and final) day, Soobin doesn’t stage an intervention to get Kai out of the house, the youngest bleary-eyed from staring at his screen hours on end, to look for properties that would be suitable with his low budget. Soobin helps himself into the house, with Taehyun trailing behind, both looking at Kai’s pitiful state with sympathy and barely hidden amusement. In true best friend fashion, the first thing they do is insult Kai’s state, before proceeding to pick him up to his feet, the brunt of his weight on Soobin, and an arm slung around Taehyun’s shoulder which doesn’t really do much, but he lets the blond do it anyway.

How they manage to get him out of the house, Kai isn’t sure, all he knows is that as soon as they arrive at the couple’s dorm, he passes out on Taehyun’s bed and is awoken to both of them peering over him, unrestrained glee in their eyes.

“We found an apartment for you,” Soobin announces. 

Before they even list the terms, he shrieks out a yes, open to anything as long as it makes his mother happy, and lets him live away from home. He secretly wonders if Soobin and Taehyun found the apartment as compensation for ditching him to be gay partners in crime, but it’s not too bad, he supposes. 

After all, Choi Yeonjun, his roommate, is a killer cook, a killer dancer, and pretty much the nicest guy you could ever meet. The elder has no siblings of his own and treats Kai like he’s a brother that he’s just found. Kai welcomes Yeonjun with open arms. He has no issues with being coddled by his friends, as the youngest, wherever he goes, he’s treated and he takes full advantage of it. If Taehyun or Soobin say no, chances are Yeonjun will say yes. It’s not bad at all.

One morning, memories come flashing back to him through a weirdly reminiscent dream that leads to Kai musing over breakfast, before accidentally blurting out to Yeonjun that he thinks they’ve met before. What he doesn’t expect is for Yeonjun to look him in the eye, calculating and calm, and say with utter conviction that yes they have, and pass the sugar. Kai absentmindedly complies, staring Yeonjun down before the older boy, now with dyed hair, finally relents and narrates how he knew of Kai as a result of going to the same school. He doesn’t elaborate any further, returning to stuffing his face with pancakes, leaving Kai to ruminate on his own.

As always, it’s at night time that he works the mystery out. Choi Yeonjun spoke to him once (what is it with Kai and meeting people once, then never seeing them again?) to ask him to write a name down during his penultimate year at school. For the joint school Hamlet production, if he recalls correctly. The one he dropped out of. He racks his brains, trying to remember the name he was told but nothing comes up, the entire memory foggy both from the mental block Kai has placed surrounding it and just general forgetfulness. The only thing Kai applies his photographic memory to is script lines and musical notes because to him they're the same - both require feeling and an investment needs to be made to successfully perform. And writing a name down on one of the most abrupt days of his life really wasn’t on his to-do list to remember. He doesn’t bother asking Yeonjun, something inside him tells him not to, advising him to let it go, and so he does.

Taehyun’s luck is enviable - his birthday falls on a Friday, meaning the party is accessible for all their friends. Taehyun invites Kai over, and they map out a guest list to work out the alcohol per person ratios. Kai doesn’t think he’s much help, but Taehyun, ever the mathematician and true to his character as a maths major, forces him to sit by and watch over, even if the only contribution he has is pressing numbers into a calculator. Yet when sunset falls, and Taehyun says done with a flourish, Kai can’t help but feel just as satisfied as Taehyun looks, the older even going as far to bound into his bedroom, and inform Soobin of the good news.

The couple leave Kai on his own, heading to the kitchen to sort out food. They know the youngest inside out, so Kai trusts them with his food order and he takes his time to look through the list Taheyun has mapped out, of the snacks they need to buy, the alcohol they need to store and then finally, the guests Taehyun has invited.

His name is first, followed by Soobin’s, and Kai grins to himself smugly. As always, bros before hoes, he thinks with glee and then continues scanning down the list, catching the names of people Taehyun talks about in passing or other mutual friends of theirs. The list isn’t that long, the apartment isn’t small but there really isn’t enough space to hold more than 15 people, so he reaches the bottom of the list quickly, humming, and then places it down. 

Less than a second later, he picks it up again, looking through the list quickly to locate what had caught him out. There underneath Kang Yeosang’s name, is the name he would never have expected to see on a guest list by Taehyun. It feels like a scam, how convenient it is that the name he was never expecting to see is at the bottom of the list of all places.

It takes him placing the paper back onto the countertop and busying himself with playing with his fingers to stop himself from yelling out to the two in the kitchen. Why of all people, is Choi Beomgyu invited? If he was using his common sense, he’d remember that Soobin is friends with Beomgyu, that perhaps Taehyun and Beomgyu crossed paths often due to the amount of overtimes Soobin did, studying into the night, leaving Taehyun to come drag him back home.

But Kai isn’t thinking at all, much too distracted by the fact that the one person he made his New Year’s resolution to avoid is now gracing his way back into his life. He pretends it’s not his fault that he didn’t even make any plans of action to “find” Beomgyu around campus, but knowing that the ravenet is coming, makes him realise that he doesn’t have an excuse for the months he didn’t bother. It’s one thing to say that he did look for him in the crowds, but Kai knows that on the night on the balcony, Beomgyu didn’t ask him to peer over the heads of a busy crowd to locate him. No, they both know that Beomgyu was asking something else, requesting that Kai finds him personally, asking Soobin to acquaint them together, and then eventually meeting, starting out as friends. Friends who might even become something more. 

He contemplates on whether he should ask Taehyun to remove Beomgyu off the list, concoct a fabricated lie, but he decides not to. Kai doesn’t really like lying - when he burst into his sisters’ room years back claiming he’d received job offers, he did that in the heat of the moment, pushed by guilt and feelings of uselessness. But this is different, this would be him running from his past, from his feelings. And he’s been running long enough, four months - no matter how quickly they’ve passed - is still a long time. This is fate telling him to sort himself out, pull himself together.

All this, over a person he has met twice, kissed once and never saw again.

When Taehyun enters the kitchen with news of delivery coming in a couple, Kai composes himself, asking him how he knows Beomgyu. The blond looks at him scrutinising, and Kai shrugs in return, telling a white lie about how Beomgyu is the only one he hasn’t come across in their social circles, the name unfamiliar.

(If only it was, Kai thinks bitterly. There’s only fifteen on the list, half of them he’s only heard of never met, a quarter he didn’t know existed and through it all, there’s Choi Beomgyu’s name printed at the bottom. He resists the urge to smudge the ink.) 

Taehyun easily accepts his excuse, then narrates to Kai how Beomgyu is one of the most reliable people ever, always letting him know when Soobin has fallen asleep in their study sessions so that Taehyun is able to berate his boyfriend and drag him home.

Some part of it wants to ask more, needs to satisfy the irrational thirst that befalls him when it comes to Beomgyu. It's intrinsic, the desire to learn everything there is about Beomgyu, both from the man himself and how others view him. In the end, he doesn't ask anything else, letting his head fall onto the counter as they wait for the takeout to be delivered to their door.

Usually, late evenings with his best friends lead to him staying the night but when Soobin offers him a blanket tonight he declines, walking home instead. The couple seem reluctant to let him leave, but noticing his insistence, they wave their goodbyes, contemplating the reasons that brought about the younger’s brooding as they walk back into their apartment.

The walk home is uneventful in the grand scheme of things, just like any other walk - except for the fact that his thoughts are once again plagued with Beomgyu. There's no moon on show, he vaguely recalls that tonight is meant to be a new moon, and he sighs. Like a lot of things in his life, Kai takes it in his stride, speculating that if, like there are phases to the moon, there are phases to Beomgyu too, different facets of his personality. And as usual, he finds himself wanting more.

Nerves build up over the next week. Anytime Kai catches the moon in the sky, or anyone wearing a piercing (which unfortunately is a lot of people; he lives with Yeonjun, who rarely steps outside the house without at least three earrings in) or even sees anyone with messy brown locks, he finds himself thinking of the other boy, and then not even moments later, he has ping pong balls bouncing around his stomach, hitting forcefully at his ribcage, his anxiety steadily increasing.

His friends are quite startled, to say the least. Yeonjun is the first to notice, spending most nights and mornings with Kai, discovering that the latter is always fidgeting. When he mentions it, Kai only looks shaken up, before returning to playing his hands, the movement more incessant than before. Soobin is the next to realise, maybe because he's just attuned to this stuff quite easily, and the former swears he's never seen Kai this much of a nervous wreck, not even during the final exams that his university application was relying on. Taehyun is the last to mention it, thinking maybe it's just a thing the youngest is going through at first, probably expecting it to be gone in a day or two. It doesn't go. 

By Friday, Kai's jitters are almost second nature, and the other three have just accepted that something is going on with the youngest, who repeatedly refuses any offers to talk, always responding that he’s perfectly fine, even though it’s clear he’s anything but.

He’s suffered through fitful nights of sleep, not even the moon is able to comfort him in his slumber, rather he’s left blocking out any light coming from his window. There's really no need to be losing his head like this, but the desire to look interesting to Beomgyu wins over rational decisions. As usual.

He’s thought it over, hypothesising multiple situations. Each one ends in the same way - Beomgyu scorning Kai, then leaving Taehyun’s party in a huff, with everyone watching Kai in shock, demanding an explanation. No matter how hard he thinks it through, he just can’t see why Beomgyu would be calm about the fact that he had left him high and dry for months. In an attempt to rationalise himself, he tells himself that if he was in Beomgyu’s position, he would listen to the older, let him apologise. The attempt ends just as soon as it starts, and he returns to worrying again. 

As a member of the inner circle (i.e. Taehyun’s best friend, now long-suffering labourer), he’s required to be at the apartment as soon as his lecture is finished on the Friday. They had thankfully decided on outfits together the night before, so all he has to do is throw his clothes on at his apartment, allowing himself to be pulled into a chair as Yeonjun dabs glitter across his eyelids, and fiddles with his makeup brushes a bit, so that Kai is now covered in light smokey eyeshadow, winged eyeliner, and lips pinker than ever. 

Catching himself in the mirror, it takes him a while to register that it’s Kai’s own face that is looking back at him. Despite the light makeup, he still feels as though he’s a different person, heck he’s wearing leather trousers of all things, with a white silky top, that has a small cut at the top. Dare he say it, Kai, for once, actually looks beyond stunning. 

When he turns to Yeonjun, a smile growing on his face, Yeonjun coos, going on a short spiel on how he’s seeing Kai grow up before his eyes, and can he just stop now. The younger scoffs, but not before embracing Yeonjun into a hug, bending down so he’s nuzzling into the other’s neck, one that he hopes delivers how grateful he is to have him, thanking him not just for the help with the outfit, but for everything the elder has ever done to make Kai feel welcome, safe and comforted. The redhead returns the hug just as enthusiastically, patting the top of Kai’s head. When they break apart, Kai almost forgets who he’ll be seeing in a few hours, basking in the warmth of Yeonjun’s proud gaze. 

They leave their apartment, heading towards Taehyun’s. Kai’s nerves rack up again, and he begins messing with a mockup button on the sleeve of his top. Yeonjun doesn’t comment on Kai’s sudden mood shift, pulling the youngest to his side, arm wrapped around his back, and they continue on. Yeonjun hyung to the rescue once again. 

As with all momentous happenings, time slows down around him. If it wasn't for the grip Yeonjun has on him, Kai knows he would be on the floor, his legs are like jelly. They walk the three flights of stairs, yet the exercise doesn’t help calm him, if anything he just feels his muscles stiffen the higher they go. It becomes difficult to breathe once they’re near the entrance door because standing in front of it waiting, is Beomgyu. 

The brunet doesn’t immediately notice him and Yeonjun, so Kai jumps on this opportunity to take the male in, looking him up and down appreciatively. Beomgyu, for lack of better words, looks hot. From the side, Kai can make out his earrings have letters dangling, peeking through the messy locks of his brown hair, which appear as almost black underneath the evening sky. His jacket is leather, collared, sleeves cut, and Kai almost chokes on his spit - the cut is perfect to show the muscles on Beomgyu’s arms. His attempts at stifling his gasp are unsuccessful, not only does Yeonjun look over at him in complete bewilderment, having never seen Hueningkai look so flustered, but Beomgyu looks over too, surprise flashing through his eyes before he gives them both a lazy grin.

(It’s a moment slowed right down. When Beomgyu turns his head, it’s like returning back to the stifling heat of the hallway in the youth centre, catching Punk Boy’s gaze for the first time, except this time, it seems as though the moon has emerged from the clouds, no longer held back by the shadows. In a way, it’s liberating, having him in common skies, a place that Kai can exploit to reach out to the elder. After all, it’s all he’s ever wanted really. The sun and moon, meeting in the middle.)

“Do you know when Taehyun-ah’s gonna let us in?” 

Kai is much too startled by the complete familiarity Beomgyu speaks Taehyun’s name with, to even think of a reply so Yeonjun responds. “Oh, Kai,” he emphasises the youngest’s name with a sharp dig to his ribs, which shakes Kai successfully out of his stupor, “is the one who was going to let me in, so you can come in with us.”

Beomgyu nods in understanding then faces Kai. It’s like they’re back in the dilapidated youth centre again, staring so intently at each other that once again, Yeonjun has to intervene.

“Kai, can you open the door with the spare key? You two can… introduce yourselves to each other after,”

The tension between them takes a step into the background. It doesn’t disappear, no, instead it makes itself present as silence hanging between the air. Kai walks over to where Beomgyu is, glancing down at the older, avoiding staring at the younger’s bright red lips which look so bite-worthy. He clears his throat, remembering that Yeonjun is still there with them, and mutters out an excuse me, which Beomgyu soundlessly complies with. He bends down, feeling around the plant pot, cursing when he finds he has to dig into the soil deeper than he anticipated. When he finally pulls the key out and unlocks the door, he makes a beeline for the kitchen to wash the dirt off his fingers, Yeonjun hot on his tail.

“Dude, what was that?” he exclaims, as Kai runs his hand underneath the water, snatching it back when it scalds. 

“What was what?” he responds, picking out soil that has stuck to his cuticle. When he brings his head up, Yeonjun has a deadpan look on his face, lips pushed into a pout.

He looks out surreptitiously, before leaning forward to where Kai is, invading his personal space, then whispers. “The eye fucking. I’ve never seen you do that ever. We’ve been to how many parties, and not once have you looked at someone like you wanna eat them alive.”

Kai scowls, moving away from Yeonjun to dry his hands. “I don’t know what you want me to say, hyung.”

“Hueningie,” whines the redhead, following Kai again, crushing him in a hug as they stagger to the living room. Yeonjun is all but rubbing his cheek against Kai’s, refusing to let go. “You can tell hyung anything you want, you know that right?” There’s a tone of unsureness at the end, which causes Kai to immediately drop his cold act, to nuzzle the elder back.

“Yes hyung, I know that,”

Yeonjun beams and Kai responds with his own smile. 

“Oh Beomgyu, when did you get here?” asks Yeonjun, and Kai turns to the former incredulously. 

Beomgyu is stood by the door entrance still, looking clearly out of his element and an unexpected frown on his face. “Hyung, we entered together,” he says, a harsh edge to his voice. He spins around suddenly, leaving the building. Yeonjun and Kai share a confused look, trailing behind Beomgyu like lost puppies.

“Why did he sound so annoyed?” questions Yeonjun aloud, as they look down the corridor, realising at the same time that Beomgyu left to go meet Taehyun and Soobin, who are stepping out of the elevator doors. 

“Probably because you forgot we came at the same time,” deadpans Kai, scoffing when Yeonjun glares at him. “If you didn’t make goo goo eyes at each…”

He drowns the elder’s voice out, thinking back to when Beomgyu was leaning against the apartment entrance. The vision will haunt Kai, he’s already called it because Beomgyu looked like pure sin with a slight glower on his face, arms crossed. He’s always been weak for pretty punk boys. 

No. He’s always been weak for Beomgyu. The sun making way for the moon.

His name being yelled cuts through his thoughts, and he responds, annoyed. “What?”

“You weren't listening to me,” complains Yeonjun, and Kai shrugs apologetically.

“Sorry, I got distracted by something,” That is the wrong thing to say because Yeonjun’s sulky expression immediately transforms into one of uninhibited glee. 

“Something? Or someone?” He giggles when Kai now pouts at him, glaring at the former. And then Yeonjun rights his posture so that he’s looking Kai directly in the eyes. The brunet is wary at the sudden shift, preparing himself like a child about to be scolded. 

He’s not far off, because when Yeonjun speaks, it’s his don’t mess with me, I mean serious business tone. “Look, I don’t know why the two of you keep staring at each like you're deciding whether to kiss each other senseless or absolutely murder each other, but he’s my best friend, just as much as you are, so it would make me really happy if you got along.”

“Oh, you don’t need to worry about that hyungie, you’ve met me haven't you? I’m like a ray of walking sunshine, I’d love to get along with Beomgyu hyung.” 

"Thank you," replies the redhead, ruffling Kai's hair. He traipses off down the corridor to help Taehyun carry the box of beer cans. From the distance, he can see Taehyun give Yeonjun a stink eye and Kai sighs, knowing Taehyun will just take the offer of help as a sign to further flex the muscles he has.

He enters back into the flat, milling around to clear up any of the couple's items strewn around, clearing up any fragile ornaments and then carrying Soobin's plant collection to the couple's spare room.

When he steps out, Beomgyu is waiting for him, resting against the door. Kai reaches back to close the door, but Beomgyu gets to it first, pushing the door open and pushing Kai into the room, kicking the door closed behind him.

Kai stares at him with apprehension and opens his mouth to speak, what he wants to say he's not sure. Maybe just to apologise for going off the radar for months, for passively avoiding Beomgyu.

Because Beomgyu sure as hell looks pissed.

But he's cut off, every worry in his mind quelled by the crash of lips on his.

It's so sudden that Kai gasps, parting his mouth instinctively for Beomgyu who immediately slides his tongue in, deepening the kiss. In the back of his mind, Kai adds to his tally that he's now met Beomgyu twice and kissed him twice, but thoughts become impossible to retain, not with the way heat is rising inside of Kai, knots tightening and unravelling with every press of mouths, every tangling of tongues. 

There's too much to keep up with, the effect of Beomgyu is dizzying, invading all of his senses until Kai almost forgets that the older is shorter than him. He leans down when Beomgyu pulls at his neck, letting the kisses deepen, their lips exchanging with more passion. Beomgyu kisses like a man starved, devouring every sound he elicits from Kai.

Even though Kai’s already felt Beomgyu’s lips pressed against his before, this kiss couldn’t be any different. The first time, it was just a chaste kiss, a press of lips, feather light before anything else could happen. The first time, it was innocent and delicate. 

This time, it’s complete with passion, a heady rush that clouds their judgements with every exchange of spit, every drag of their tongues. He doesn’t remember the older’s lips being this plush and soft, but he’s more than happy with being reminded. It's raging infernos, the crashing waves on a thundery sea. It's completely intoxicating, the way Beomgyu slots into his mouth feels just right. A boat returning to the shore.

Everything is exhilarating, both are entwined with each other, Kai's hands are sliding up Beomgyu's arms, gripping the corded muscles, then settles for pulling the older into him further by gripping at his shirt, tugging him closer. It's not close enough, he wants more, returning the kiss with the same fervour as Beomgyu. Their bodies are pressed against each other heatedly, the butterflies in Kai’s stomach fluttering incessantly until he doesn’t know if he’s lightheaded from just how well Beomgyu uses his mouth, lips impossibly soft against his own, or if it’s the lack of air getting to him. 

When they come up for air, there's silence, only the harsh pants of their breaths into the cool air. One of Beomgyu's hands is resting in Kai's hair, gripping the chestnut curls and his other is wrapped around Kai's back, clinging onto Kai like a vice.

It's relieving to realise that Beomgyu is just as affected by the kissing as he is, because the older barely takes a breather, launching himself at Kai again, who easily responds. It’s hard to keep up with what’s happening because as soon as Beomgyu pulls back, he just continues, leaving kisses at the corner of Kai’s lips, then travelling to his jaw, which is traced by the older’s tongue, kisses that are both soft yet intoxicating. And he keeps going, never giving the youngest a moment to collect himself. The perks of their height difference are that Beomgyu can suck on Kai’s neck with such ease, grazing his teeth against his Adam’s apple, before sucking at the junction of Kai’s throat, and then pressing butterfly kisses to his collarbone. 

The room is filled with noises of their makeout session, Kai’s harsh pants as he leans his head back to give Beomgyu more access, the sound of sucking coming from the latter. Or maybe it's just loud to Kai, whose senses are heightened, feeling his heartbeat jump against his ribcage, wondering if Beomgyu can hear it too. If Beomgyu can feel it too. There's just so much desperation between them, that no matter the minutes drag on, doing nothing for the tension that only rises between the two.

He feels himself being pushed backwards. Beomgyu’s muscles aren't just for show then, he thinks grinning into the kiss at the thought. The smile falls from his face, as they stumble backwards, tripping onto the bed, Beomgyu landing on top of Kai. It doesn’t perturb the older, who just continues kissing away up the column of Kai’s throat, hair tickling Kai’s jaw. When the moan slips out, Beomgyu rises up, looking at Kai with hooded eyes, studying the younger who’s lying on his back, chestnut hair fanning outwards, his chest rising rapidly. Kai flushes red, hastily trying to get up, to apologise for the noise he made but he’s knocked back by the shorter male, whose thighs are pressed around Kai’s, closing him in. 

He’s glad they ended up on the bed, anymore of those dizzying kisses, and Kai’s legs would have given way. Usually, Kai likes to take his time with kisses, sensual, drawing them out, savouring the contact. Taking all the time in the world. But with Beomgyu, it’s like his focus zeroes in on the older’s pillowy lips and is blinded by desire, and the almost instinctual need to ravage Beomgyu. The ravenet burns with that same desire.

Kai lands back onto the bed with a soft hmph, and the kissing resumes, Beomgyu leaning down, long hair hanging like a curtain around them. Kai doesn’t resist, pliant and waiting for every movement that Beomgyu throws at him, letting the older do as he pleases, whether it be sucking at Kai’s lip, leaving a line of spit in his wake, or mouthing against Kai’s jaw, biting his way down from beneath Kai’s ear then circling his Adam’s apple. It’s addicting, it’s breathtaking just how easy it is to become like putty under the other’s ministrations, and Kai loves it, feeling himself fall like a child travelling down a swirly slide, every turn bringing back memories of the yearning he did for Beomgyu in secret, pining for days, weeks, months on end. 

Beomgyu pulls away, with a final kiss pressed against Kai’s bruised neck, and Kai raises his head to catch the older’s lips into another gentle kiss - this time languid and lazy, the dizzying need between the two finally satisfied. When he lets his head fall back onto the softness of the duvet, he leaves his hands stroking across Beomgyu’s back, tugging lazily at the strands of hair at the nape of his neck. They watch each other quietly. Even like this, the older looks gorgeous, swollen lips, rosy red and covered with spit, his hair ruffled into a mess and Kai is awed by the fact that it’s him who was responsible for the brunet’s disheveled state. 

He must not look any better, because Beomgyu has one hand that he’s leaning on, carrying his weight, muscle flexing beneath the tension, whilst the other is playing with Kai’s hair, slowly dragging his fingers through the locks it so that it’s no longer a cluster of knots, and Kai watches, unable to breathe a word. When the older pulls away, they’re still observing each other, delighting in each other’s presence.

“Hi, Shakespeare Boy,” starts off Beomgyu, still fiddling with Kai’s curls.

“Hey,” whispers Kai in return, voice raspy.

“That was quite the nice reunion,” says the shorter, placing his other hand back to the side of Kai’s head so he’s now leaning over him, Beomgyu’s legs bracketing his own

Kai pauses, looking up from where his gaze is distracted by the plushness of Beomgyu’s lips, making eye contact with Beomgyu. It’s painful and overwhelming, just how soft the man’s gaze is, chocolate eyes holding so much warmth that Kai feels himself heat up despite himself, feeling like a log of wood about to be thrown into a furnace, set aflame. 

“Do you kiss all your friends like this when you meet them?” responds Kai, the question enunciated with pants as he works on regaining his breath.

“No, just you,” Beomgyu says, stroking down the side of Kai’s face, the younger leaning into the touch.

Kai isn’t sure why, but it makes him giggle. And then Beomgyu’s snickering with him too, both of them laughing together. Beomgyu’s head falls onto Kai’s chest, and it’s all so warm, that Kai almost forgets where they are, what they’re here for. But it’s just so easy to wrap his arms around Beomgyu, holding the older closer as they giggle quietly, Beomgyu’s laughs muffled from where he’s buried into Kai. 

It takes a long few minutes for them to untangle from each other, Beomgyu sitting back on his hunches, weight barely resting on Kai’s stomach, and then he twists over, lying on the mattress so that they’re now side by side, looking at each other, quiet surrounding them.

(The moon is peeking through the curtains of Taehyun’s guest room, the little glimpse of light falling on Beomgyu’s face, and it’s so heartwarming; it feels like coming home after a long journey lost at sea. Maybe it’s because that’s what he is in a way, Beomgyu is like a guide, a figure that has been there during integral moments of Kai’s past and present, hopefully, his future too, even if it’s been both explicit and implicit involvement. It’s the moon returning to its place in the night sky, followed by a trail of glimmering stars.)

This time, Kai breaks the silence, turning around, leaning into his arm so that his full attention is on Beomgyu. “I’m sorry.”

The brunet looks startled, earring tinkling gently when he makes himself comfortable underneath Kai’s stare. “What for?”

“For not finding you. I have no proper excuse, I know it’s been like, four months, give or take, but I didn’t do what you asked me to.” He pats Beomgyu’s belly, the sliver of skin flashing when the older’s shirt rises, but Kai takes no notice of the bare skin, instead rubbing it to comfort him, to soothe himself. 

Not even moments later, his hand is stopped, held into place and he retracts it, only for it to be guided back to its original position, except this time his palm is enveloped by solid warmth, Beomgyu linking their fingers together. Kai waits for a moment, then continues the belly rubs, Beomgyu’s grip loose around his palm, following the motion. It’s awfully domestic, and despite it being pitch black outside, the room is radiant. Maybe, together they make their own light, sun and moon, spellbinding.

“It’s okay baby. We’re here now, aren't we?” replies Beomgyu, thumb stroking the outside of Kai’s hand.

“But I kept you waiting,” mumbles Kai, eyes downcast. “I didn’t mean to, I swear, I just, it was just-” He’s cut off by Beomgyu’s lips against his, once again a soft kiss. The soft kisses are just addicting as the passionate ones, both deliver the same level of comfort. He decides that after this, he might need Beomgyu at his side all the time because the kisses are an up and coming craving of his. 

Beomgyu draws back, hands cradling Kai’s face. “It’s really okay with me, I promise. The moon is patient,” He drags the pad of his thumb across Kai’s cheekbone. “Plus, I always knew that one day, you’d return back to me.”

“Really? You mean that?”

Another peck was landed, the older resting his forehead against Kai’s, their noses touching. “It’s hard not to. You haunted me for years, you know. Kind of like the one that got away, except we never knew each other, rarely crossed paths even with how weirdly linked our friend group is.” He chuckles, eyes distant in thought. “When we met at the party, it was so nice to finally see the stranger who was on my mind constantly.”

“You’re so obsessed with me,” snorts Kai, resulting in Beomgyu shoving him half-heartedly, a pout on his face. He presses a quick kiss on the pout, letting his heart take control. It turns into something deeper, Beomgyu pushing his tongue into Kai’s parted lips, and once again, Kai admonishes his lack of self control because it’s just so easy to submit to Beomgyu and his wonderful lips. When they pull apart, it takes everything in Kai to lean back, an eyebrow raised to remind the elder that they’re meant to be talking. The latter pouts again, but this time Kai just stares at him unimpressed.

“Why can’t we talk later?” he huffs.

“Hey, you were the one that started the conversation talking about a stranger who was haunting you for a long time, I was happy with the kisses,” says Kai, tucking a strand of loose hair behind Beomgyu’s ear.

The older groans in annoyance, then lays back down, pulling Kai closer to him. “Did you know…” he pauses, and Kai waits patiently as the older searches for words. “I was cast as Hamlet.”

“Oh, that’s really cool. Why are you telling me this though?”

“Wait, wait, just let me speak,” complains Beomgyu.

“The actor who was going to be Horatio dropped out. When I asked the hosts why they said it was cause it had schedule conflicts with his job.”

Kai’s jaw drops, parting in a round ‘o’ shape. 

He’s shushed as soon as he begins to respond, to provide an explanation. “You don’t need to explain anything, I’m just telling you this because Kai, there must be something out there that kept leading to each other, you know? Like so many missed opportunities yet we still come back to each other.” Like an eclipse, the sun and moon meeting in the sky on sparing occasions, the encounter short, yet colossal in terms of the impact triggered. Just like him and Beomgyu. “You were my junior back when we met at the youth centre, but that was the day I had visited to inform the company that I wanted to drop out the audition, and by the time I saw you, it was too late.” 

He feels pain settle in his neck, bones sore from the awkward position he’s craning over in, and he lies down on top of Beomgyu, burrowing into his neck, an inversion of their previous position.

“And then later, it was when we did the production. Honestly, I didn’t know you were Shakespeare Boy because I was so mad that you dropped out as soon as you got the role. Later, I asked the drama head about it, and he told me the reason because I was Hamlet, and he thought it was a fair enough question. When he showed me your acting tapes…” there’s resounding silence, Beomgyu is stroking Kai’s hair, nails scraping his scalp now and then. “I recognised you, even though it was like so many different ages, you have very distinctive features, it was hard not to work it out. I watched it and all I could think was that it was shocking that you didn’t get a callback from the production company because Kai, you go on the stage and you shine. It’s like… kind of like we’re invading your personal moments with your characters, you’re so talented, I honestly left the room in awe. And I had a name for the face now.”

From where he’s lying, Kai flushes. “Hyung, stop, you don’t need to exaggerate so much, they probably had their reasons for rejecting me.”

“Well then, whatever those were, they must've been incredibly stupid reasons. They lost a real gem.”

Unable to handle the praise, he pinches Beomgyu’s stomach, the older yelping before he flicks Kai’s forehead in retaliation. “Yah, that’s how you treat your hyung after he compliments you?” There’s no bite to his tone, and they settle back into a comfortable position, Kai’s leg thrown across Beomgyu’s, both tangled together once more.

“Just continue the story, I know you have more to say,” says the younger, rubbing his nose against the junction of Beomgyu’s throat, taking immense pleasure in the way Beomgyu's breath hitches.

“No, I don’t,”

“Yes, you do! You still haven’t told me about your introspective suffering when we met at the party and kissed once.” retorts Kai, smile growing when he feels the older gulp.

“Dude, there’s nothing I can actually think of. I didn’t expect to see you, ‘cause I couldn’t find Soobin hyung, and he was the one meant to introduce us.”

Kai gasps, lifting his head up. “So because both of us weren’t able to find hyung, that meant we ended up finding each other ourselves? That’s so cute of us, I feel like we’re living a movie romance,” he squeals, tracing the logo on Beomgyu’s black shirt, ignoring the leather of the jacket sticking against his silk top.

“Yeah… moral of the story, it’s fine that it took us this long, we can just take our time to get to know each other, learn about who the other is, with occasional kisses-”

“Only occasional?” interrupts Kai, unimpressed at the proposition.

“Okay, we can take our time to find out what the other is like, maybe go on a few dates, with daily, no scratch that, with hourly kisses. Does that suffice for you?” 

The deal is sealed with another kiss (something needs to be done about that, it’s not fair that Kai now has to suffer through the consequences of not being constantly lip locked with the older). It's lazy and languid. Kai moves to straddle the elder and they continue, his fingers trailing across the expanse of Beomgyu’s throat. 

They’re so invested that neither registers the fluorescent light flooding the room until there’s a shocked cry. And then a few more.

Kai sits up, taking a moment to register his surroundings, having gone dizzy from the blood rushing to his head. Beomgyu isn’t in a better state, within seconds they move to separate from each other, neither clearly wanting to be apart, but they split apart anyway, a lingering look in Beomgyu's eyes, full of promises for later.

Yeonjun is the first to speak. "When I told you to get along with Beomgyu, I didn't mean for you to avoid decorating duties to make out with him." He pauses, taking in their mussed up hair and swollen lips. Kai waits, knowing that Yeonjun is going to try and connect the dots, to accuse them of something that isn't true, even though from Yeonjun's perspective, it would make total sense. "Wait, this explains the eye-fucking from earlier!" The penny drops, albeit the wrong one.

"Yeonjun hyung, whatever you're thinking, I can promise you that you're definitely wrong," mumbles Kai.

"What he said!" adds on Beomgyu, who's leaning back on his arms, as though his friends didn't just walk in on him making out with someone. Maybe it's normal for him to experience that, so it doesn't faze him? The thought makes Kai's heart twist in envy, and he scowls in disgust, trying to shake his train of thought away. Not even an hour in, and he's already got a little seedling of green in his stomach.

"Hyung, shut up, let me handle this," he says, drawing his eyebrows together in an attempt to look like he's pleading.

Beomgyu sighs. "Okay, anything for you, baby,"

The room erupts into a chorus of gasps, his hyungs bar Beomgyu - who is lounging smugly, knowing full well the trouble he's caused - echoing the phrase in varying degrees of shock.

"Baby? He calls you baby?" This time it is Taehyun who takes the reign, looking at Kai in disappointment. Kai's been friends with him long enough to know that it's not disappointment at his choices, but rather disappointment that Kai didn't think to tell him.

"No, he doesn't! Look at him smirking, he said that just to make you guys lose your heads," exclaims Kai, a tone of desperation leaking into his voice. "Look it's a long story, I'll explain it when it's not Taehyun's birthday party." he continues, trying to bargain his way out, to give him and Beomgyu at least an evening to sort themselves out.

"Okay," responds Taehyun, arm linked with Soobin's. "Either tonight you speak, or you tell us in the morning, ideally when we've all recovered from the hangovers."

It's a fair deal and Kai says as much. He turns to Beomgyu, who shrugs. “Yeah, let’s just do it tomorrow,”

Seemingly satisfied, Taehyun starts dictating roles again, for last minute preparations before his campus friends arrive. Not that there’s much left to do really, mainly just moving the couch out of the way, setting up paper plates and the sort. There’s a moment of amusement when Taehyun delegates the roles as was pre-planned earlier, resulting in Beomgyu and Kai pairing up. Both turn to each other with wicked grins on their faces, Kai slinging his arm across Beomgyu’s shoulder when they reach each other. Yeonjun looks as though he wants to complain, but refrains from doing so because he’s unable to handle one puppy eyed gaze, let alone resist the power of two. 

The evening becomes a blur, pretty much the entire time is spent by Beomgyu’s side. When Taehyun’s campus mates arrive, it’s him and Beomgyu standing together, the latter’s hand stroking Kai’s side as they make introductions, walking the guests into the apartment, pointing out where the snacks are, where the bathroom is, and which places are off-limits. Beomgyu’s hold on him - both literally and metaphorically, if the older’s grip on Kai’s silk shirt is anything to go by - is comforting; usually, Kai would be milling around aimlessly with no one to really talk to, even Yeonjun has his friends within the invited group of people, he no longer needs to worry about interrupting anything like an outsider. 

Despite every member of the invitation list recognising Beomgyu, he doesn’t budge from Kai’s side - it’s almost as if by letting go, Kai will be spirited away, losing the gravitational pull between them. It’s not like he’s complaining, because he’s just as insistent in subtly staking his claim on the elder, indulging himself by feeling Beomgyu up at any chance he can, whether it be “accidentally” slipping his hand across the older’s chest or just fluffing his hyung’s hair. The territory marking works, Kai manages to help Beomgyu turn down three potential boyfriends (as if Kai would let them get that far, after all, he’s the one who was kissed senseless by Beomgyu, not these people). Later, Beomgyu refutes this claim, complaining that it's the other way around – everyone is hitting on Kai. 

At one point, they are asked if they’re dating, the stranger (Kai wants to say his name is Donghyuck, or something like that, but he’s not really sure) taking in the blatant PDA he and Beomgyu have going on. It takes little hesitation for both of them to confirm they are, and as soon as the boy who might be Donghyuck has gone, they exchange a look of incredulity.

“So much for taking our time to get to know each other,” jokes Kai, twirling one of Beomgyu’s locks in his finger. “Dating already, Choi? You haven’t even asked me out.” 

“Why am I the one expected to ask you out, why can’t you do it?” counters Beomgyu.

“We’ve done everything but learn about each other! I don’t even know your favourite colour,”

“It’s pink. And we have so much time ahead of us Kai-yah, we can follow our own trajectory. People on blind dates go out without having a clue about who the other person is, I don’t see why we can’t also just do whatever we want,”

He pulls his hand away, letting Beomgyu’s lock of hair fall back into place. “So are we boyfriends now? Already?”

Taking in Kai’s incredulity, Beomgyu leans forward to press a kiss to Kai’s cheek. “No, we’re not boyfriends. You’re Shakespeare Boy, I’m Punk Boy, and we’re yet to go on a date. I don’t do boyfriends until at least one date.”

Kai’s jaw drops, narrowing his brows at the elder. “So you kiss before first dates? You just said-”

He’s cut off by lips attacking his again, feeling himself being pushed back against the wall of the apartment hallway. As much as Kai loves making out with Beomgyu, he does not enjoy how much both exploit the other’s weakness to their kisses, because it’s quickly revealing just how easily they succumb to the influences of a good make out. Because being pressed against the wall, Beomgyu tilting his head to press even further, Kai’s hands sliding under the jacket, makes everything so simple.

Then he remembers that he is being coerced into shutting up, and laughs into the kiss, because at this point, it’s absurd how many times they’ve locked lips, in the span of just one evening. They haven’t even discussed where they stand yet. In fact, Kai’s worried for the time they do clear things between them, a silent prayer for his lips that may now constantly be abused through Beomgyu’s ministrations.

The laughter makes Beomgyu pull apart to look at him questioningly, making Kai snort harder. When he calms down, his stomach beginning to hurt from his giggles, Beomgyu is no longer watching him with annoyance at being denied his right to kisses, but he’s watching Kai as if the answer to the question of the universe is being held in his arms. Kai returns the soft gaze, falling into Beomgyu’s dark eyes, a bottomless pit of night. His eyes are scintillating, the flashes of silver like meteors across the endless sky. “Rest in peace to our lips,” says Kai, licking his tongue across his lip, to assess how swollen they are. Beomgyu leans forward, sucking the taller's exposed tongue, nipping at Kai’s lips with the edge of his teeth.

“You don’t sound mournful at all,” he scoffs, his breath fanning across Kai’s chin.

“I am,” Kai says, jutting out his lower lip. Wrong move, because Beomgyu, ever the heathen, bites it, the pinkness of Kai’s lip steadily turning into a bright red. 

“Mhmm,” hums Beomgyu, connecting their lips again, linking his hands with Kai’s, pushing him against the wall, as if Kai isn’t already flattened against it. It’s easy. So easy to fall back under the spell, letting Beomgyu drag Kai’s hands, until they too, are pressed against the cold surface, raised above his head. The worst part is the fact that they have yet to consume any alcohol, the most they’ve had is two beer cans, both shared between, exchanging back and forth. 

(An indirect kiss, there’s kissing galore, Kai thinks with mirth.)

If anything, it’s as though they’re drunk off each other instead, the addictive pressing of lips satisfying the reward pathways in Kai’s brain, leaving him wanting, craving for more. Anything to curb his desire. It takes Yeonjun calling out to them, disgust evident in his tone, for them to finally detangle, and participate in birthday festivities. Some part of Kai is guilty that he’s acting like a hormonal teenager during Taehyun’s birthday celebration of all places, but another part of him sits like a Cheshire cat, all smug and sated.

When it’s time to sing happy birthday to Taehyun, it’s Beomgyu that sounds them in, the designated singer, a member in the university band, after all. Kai shocks his friends (bar Taehyun who’s been there since Kai could first hold a note, harmonising with his father who played the piano, and Yeonjun, who has been subjected to listening to Kai belt out lyrics in the shower) when he manages to keep up with Beomgyu’s notes. It’s incredible to see how the shorter male watches over with adoration filling his eyes, all for him, all for Kai.

And then it’s just them carrying the entire song, the others more focussed on terrible ad-libs, dragging out unnecessary notes, until Taehyun yells at them to shut up. Usually, they would pay no heed, but the blond has a knife in his hand. No one is looking for a missing limb, so they quieten down, deciding it’s best not to test out Taehyun’s chopping skills.

When the cake is shared out between them all, Taehyun pulls out wine, causing a burst of raucous laughter, the juxtaposition of elegance and informality what with the beer cans that have been strewn around. But no one complains, happily accepting and downing red wine that has clearly been brought from their corner store. It’s not a cause for concern because they’re students, all broke and suffering from dents in their bank accounts for different respective reasons. 

The wine is a nice segue into the rest of the evening, as they all settle down, lounging on the couch (which isn’t built for more than three people yet Kai spots Taehyun on Soobin’s lap, leaning back into the elder, whilst Wooyoung and Yeosang are also on top of each other with San sitting on the armrest, resting his head on Wooyoung’s shoulder). The rest of them sprawl across the floor, atop beanbags and the fluffy rug. It’s a leisurely end to the party, conversation flowing between them, mainly centred around the birthday boy, who looks content at the day’s events.

Jisung and Chenle are the first to leave due to having their own plans to celebrate Jisung’s birthday as the fifth of February slowly draws to a close. They offer their well wishes, filing out with Renjun dragging a knocked-out Donghyuck behind them. Renjun flashes a thumbs up, raising the unconscious male’s limp hand to wave goodbye, and then trails off, Donghyuck being all but dragged by the short man. 

Soon after, the others begin to trickle out, Heeseung promising to give Taehyun’s gift in their next lecture when he catches Sunghoon handing over a wrapped present to the blond. And then it’s San, Yeosang and Wooyoung who leave, the epitome of a coordinated mess as Yeosang tries to single-handedly navigate the other two to the exit, whilst the pair trip over their steps, full of giggles. Jeongin and Hyunjin are the final ones to leave, probably the most sober from the whole bunch. They exit cutely holding hands, but not before Hyunjin pulls Beomgyu to the side to whisper something down his ear. Kai watches with unconcealed curiosity, catching the brunet’s eyes, nodding in a promise of later. Beomgyu chuckles at what Hyunjin says, then shoves the two out, leaving behind the original five again. 

They make quick work of collecting together empty beer cans, depositing any crumbs from the snacks into the bin. Soobin decides that they can do the proper cleanup in the morning, exhaustion finally settling in. He and Taehyun make a beeline for their room, but not before asking if the other three are going to crash over. Yeonjun passes, complaining about how his sleep schedule is too much of a disaster for him to purposefully suffer by sleeping in a bed that’s not his own, and he bids adieu to them all, strolling off into the night sky. 

Beomgyu and Kai meet eyes, a mutual decision that they’ll make themselves comfortable in the spare room. Taehyun looks as though he wants to protest, but is pulled away by a tired Soobin, who placates him, reminding him that they have all of tomorrow, and days after, to harass Kai about what’s going on.

And then it’s just him and Beomgyu, left alone in the middle of the living room. Beomgyu holds out his hand, and Kai twines their fingers together as Beomgyu guides them to the guest room once more, this time sans the fiery kisses. It’s still a memory that burns into Kai, how the day went in a direction he could never have predicted in the morning when he was a nervous wreck, unable to work out how Beomgyu would react at his disappearance act. He squeezes Beomgyu’s hand tighter and they enter the room, door closing gently behind them. 

It’s easier for Kai, having stayed over constantly at his best friend’s apartment. He’s built up quite the store of clothes, for when he spends nights here, requiring comfort that only Taehyun can give him. There’s tranquillity in the air, a stillness that can only be achieved by one feeling safe, and at home. Kai is more than glad that he’s sharing this peace with Beomgyu of all people. He pulls out a grey hoodie and sweats for himself, and then one of his largest shirts, and black joggers for Beomgyu. (There absolutely isn’t a hidden agenda to see what Beomgyu would look like drowning in Kai’s clothes.)

To others, it may seem odd, how the two have spent sparing moments together, yet are already attached by the hip. But to Kai, it’s just right. Every moment they passed by each other, planets crossing paths, it was brimming with amity and intimacy. It’s just right - how they’ve connected with each other, one of the same, cut from the same cloth. And there’s no desperation between them, despite what their passion-filled kisses may say. There’s the knowledge they have time now, that they can make the most of every second that they lost when they were younger, naive and still suffering from the hurts of growing up.

Beomgyu takes the clothes gratefully, making his way to the bathroom to dress, whilst Kai remains behind, changing his clothes within the room. When Beomgyu returns, he surrenders to his desire, pulling the shorter in for a slow kiss, a gentle pressing of their mouths, and he sucks Beomgyu's plush lips. They walk backwards, landing gently back onto the bed, Beomgyu leaning over Kai. A parallel to the afternoon. They shortly separate, Kai pecking Beomgyu’s forehead and they lie down, basking in the cool warmth of the room. Beomgyu is resting his head on Kai’s chest, the younger dragging his fingers through Beomgyu’s hair, eliciting content sighs.

The moon is barely discernible outside, a small crescent that leaks little to no light. Yet relaxing on the bed, Beomgyu in his arms, Kai decides that it doesn’t matter if there’s no light in the sky, because there, within the room, Beomgyu is glowing. He pauses, reconsidering his statement.

Together , he and Beomgyu are incandescent, unstoppable in the face of the Earth. There's no moonlight streaking in, but for the first time Kai doesn't worry, doesn't feel alone as he once would in the darkness. 

At 18 and almost 6 months old, Kai watches as his second and final moon mends itself, returning to its place in the obsidian sky, in the company of the glimmering stars. No longer alone. He's content, the most at peace he's been in a long time.

At 18 and almost 6 months old, Kai strokes Beomgyu's hair, the elder asleep in his arms. The sun and moon finally eclipsing each other, connecting, sharing a kiss.

It's liberating to see the wounds he's gained finally close over, leaving healed scars in its wake, ones complete with stories and lessons. Kai is glad he didn't expect the puzzle that was Choi Beomgyu. Because at 18 and almost 6 months old, his heart lightens, a witness to his dreams that are reborn, new moons full of hope. 

Fact.