Chapter Text
Vex’ahlia and Vax’ildan can’t remember a time when they were static; they’ve always been in-between. Not quite elf or human, not quite one person or two, not quite male or female. When you haven’t experienced anything else it seems ordinary, and they don’t know any different. They can’t remember anything other than the freedom of being themselves, being understood by each other and their mother.
Their mother, on the other hand, could recall clearly the first time she noticed her children were even more different than she first realised. They were small, barely more than toddlers at the time, occupying the same space in her life almost interchangeably ‒ both figuratively and, on occasion, literally.
“Alright my darlings, time to get up”, said their mother, perching on the end of their bed. The twins had shared a bed when they were infants ‒ it was the only way to keep them from crying ‒ and at four were still happy to do so, small frames curling together instinctively.
When they decided to keep sharing, Elaina had breathed a sigh of relief; they could probably afford another bed but she would have to tighten their purse strings for a while. As it was, her children were happy with the way things were, which in turn made Elaina happy too.
One of the twins rolled over, blinking sleepily at her, while the other burrowed further into the blankets. Their mother smiled, brushing dark wisps out of Vex’s eyes as her child stretched and yawned.
“Come on Vex’ahlia,” she said, “let’s get you dressed, darling.” She stood and walked to the small chest of drawers in the corner of the room.
The nose of the half-elf wrinkled in distaste.
“‘M not Vex, Mamma. I’m Vax.” He spoke, sitting up and tugging the blankets further off his twin who grumbled sleepily in response.
Elaina paused in grabbing two undershirts from the drawer; wasn’t it Vex’ahlia wearing the red sleep shirt to bed last night ? Shaking her head she dismissed the thought, perhaps she was overly tired from working too-long hours. She turned back to him holding their clothes.
“I’m sorry Vax’ildan, how silly of me. Would you like brown or green today?” She offered, holding a different coloured tunic in each hand. Keen eyes assessed each option, ears twitching in thought.
“Brown,” he said firmly, nodding before twisting and poking his twin in the shoulder. “C’mon, lazy, we’re goin’ to the market today, ‘member?”
He slid out of bed, tugging his red sleep shirt off as Elaina handed him his leggings. Vex’ahlia sat up slowly, rubbing her eyes.
“G’mornin’ Mamma,” she mumbled, pulling her blue sleep shirt off and reaching out to their mother for an undershirt.
“Good morning, Vex’ahlia,” Elaina smiled, helping her into the shirt and turning to help Vax’ildan whose tunic was caught on his ears.
From what Elaina knew of elves their ears didn’t grow but stayed the same size throughout their lives, their young growing into them as they aged. Although the twins were half-elves they appeared to share this aspect with full-blooded elves and had almost comically long ears for their small size. Of course, this made them targets among others in the town who were cruel towards any differences they saw.
After helping the twins to dress and watching them make their bed with a watchful eye, Elaina headed down the rickety stairs of their cottage to make breakfast. As she trod carefully on the squeaky top step, she heard a quiet exchange from the twins’ room,
“She guessed it right today, d’you think she’s magic maybe?”
“Nah uh, she got it wrong for me. ‘Sides, if she was magic, she’d get it right all the time.”
Any brief confusion Elaina had over the exchange was quickly brushed aside as she spotted the kettle whistling and bubbling over on the hearth and rushed to rescue it. The exchange was forgotten ‒ as many childrens’ juvenile conversations are ‒ and Elaina was so preoccupied raising twins single-handedly while working in order to provide for the family, that it was not until a year later that the catalyst came about to prompt her remembering.
This particular morning Elaina had been woken by a very apologetic neighbour who explained that she couldn’t watch the twins today while Elaina was at work due to family illness.
Elaina woke and dressed the twins rather hurriedly, explaining that they would be coming to work with her today and had to be on their best behaviour. She braided their hair while they ate their oatmeal, making faces at each other across the table as they did.
Their mother dressed them in warm cloaks, and the family walked through muddy streets to the shop where Elaina worked as a seamstress. The town was barely rousing, shopkeepers unlocking their stores, and the twins waved enthusiastically at everyone they passed.
At the shop, Elaina apologetically explained to Mrs. Mandin, the senior seamstress at the shop, and the twins were allowed to stay on the condition that they wouldn’t disturb customers. Elaina settled the twins in a corner of the backroom and began her work on mending an ornate shirt belonging to a local merchant.
After a while, the twins’ natural curiosity resulted in one of them standing at Elaina’s elbow while she worked, and the other investigating the enormous reams of cloth in a storage cupboard along one side of the room.
“What’s that do, Mamma?” came the question from her elbow, along with a little hand pointing at the shirt.
“Those are ruffles, Vex’ahlia, darling,” she explained, “They’re for decoration.”
Vex’ahlia peered closely at the fabric and nodded. “They look funny,” she declared, and turned to her twin, “Hey, Vex, come an’ see this shirt,” she called.
Elaina was used to others calling the twins by the wrong name, even herself on occasion, but calling the other by their own name had never happened before. She did a double-take, checking that this was indeed Vex’ahlia, and stared in puzzlement at her child before her.
Vax’ildan, however, appeared unperturbed and came from exploring the room to look at where his sister was pointing.
“Yeah, looks fancy, Vex,” he nodded, “Come see what I found over here.”
Vex took her brother’s hand and happily followed him to where mounds of fabric were heaped in the corner of the room. They were well behaved, if a little loud, and didn’t disturb Elaina or the other seamstresses for the rest of the morning.
On the contrary, the other seamstresses seemed charmed by the inquisitive twins exploring their workplace. Even Mrs. Mandin was patient and answered their questions about her work, enjoying the change to routine Vax and Vex brought to the shop.
The twins were happy to fetch cloth and buttons for their mother, and seemed to be having a good day until mid-morning when Elaina complimented Vax’ildan for carrying a pile of cloth for her.
“Well done, my darling, you’re certainly a strong young lad,” Elaina praised, taking the fabric from his small arms.
A frown found its way across his thin face and he shook his head, “I’m not, Mamma, I’m Vex.”
Elaina smiled at her son, “My silly boy, I know Vex is over there.” She gestured to where Vex’ahlia was counting out buttons under the table.
He simply shook his head harder, insisting louder, “I’m Vex, Mamma.”
“But how can you be, my darling?”
There were frustrated tears gathering at the corners of Vax’ildan’s eyes. His small hands clenched into fists and his ears flattened against the side of his head.
Vex’ahlia looked up from the floor, attention caught by the sound of her upset twin. She looked between her mother and her twin, abandoning her counting to come over.
“It’s okay,” she said quietly to her twin, taking his hand, “I know you’re Vex, it’s okay.”
Tearing her attention away from her children, Elaina looked up to see the other seamstresses who were watching in concern, and Mrs. Mandin who was making her way over to the family.
“I’m sorry Mrs. Mandin, I don’t know‒I’m sorry for‒,” Elaina began, worried for her job. Mrs. Mandin cut her off with a hand gesture.
“I think it may be best if you took an early lunch break in order to sort out this issue. I would prefer my other seamstresses not be distracted any further,” the woman said, firmly but not unkindly.
Elaina nodded gratefully at Mrs. Mandin, grabbed their cloaks from her chair and ushered her children through the door.
Outside, the wind whistled down the street and Elaina fastened the cloaks onto the twins, still clutching each other’s hands, before donning her own. She stood for a moment, watching her children ‒ hands clasped tightly, Vex’ahlia with her cheek pressed to her brother’s, Vax’ildan his eyes shut tightly ‒ oblivious to anything but each other.
“Come on, my darlings,” Elaina spoke softly, resting her hand on Vex’ahlia’s shoulder and guiding them down the street towards the town common. The twins spent many hours playing on the common, enjoying the empty stretch of grass as only children can.
They walked in silence, the twins shoulder-to-shoulder, until Elaina guided them to a low stone wall and sat them down on it. They sat on the rough stone, pressed together from shoulder to knee, and looked up at their mother with worried eyes.
Elaina crouched in front of her children, looking between them before turning to Vax’ildan.
“Can you tell me what happened, my darling? I don’t understand why you got so upset.”
Vax’ildan shifted minutely closer to Vex’ahlia and addressed the ground as he spoke. “I’m Vex today,” he stated, “and you kept calling me a boy, but I’m not, I’m Vex.”
Elaina’s confusement must have shown on her face as she digested what her child said because Vex’ahlia spoke up too.
“She’s Vex today, like me. She’s not Vax,” Vex’ahlia said, faced towards her twin, but watching their mother out the corner of her eye.
Elaina was baffled, but mostly worried about her child who was clearly distressed at the moment. She , her brain caught notice of, Vex’ahlia called Vax’ildan she .
Elaina wondered if Vax was perhaps playing a game where he was a girl, although he was genuinely upset at the situation, she noted. Then did that mean it wasn’t a game?
Elaina’s memory dredged up recollection of the blacksmith’s daughter, of a small boy and a happy teenage girl who were the same person. Could Vax’ildan be like her, perhaps? She wracked her brain for any previous signs that Vax was uncomfortable being a boy and came up empty. Either way, her child was clearly upset by her words, for which she felt guilt build deep in her stomach.
“Okay, my darling,” said Elaina, ”I’m sorry for upsetting you.”
Vax’ildan shrugged, jolting Vex’ahlia’s shoulder as he did, still looking at the ground.
Perhaps they could stop by the forge to speak to the blacksmith on their way home to see if he could help , thought Elaina. Kneeling on the dirt, Elaina leant forwards and wrapped her arms around both of her children. She pressed kisses to each crown of dark hair, resting her cheek on the top of their heads.
“I love you, my darlings,” she said, pulling back to look them in the face.
Vax’ildan still looked subdued, ears drooping and tear tracks on his face. Elaina used the corner of her shirt to clean his face, and pressed a kiss to his forehead, smoothing his hair back.
She reached out to Vex’ahlia with her other hand, cupping the side of her face, and kissed her forehead too. Vex’ahlia looked less obviously upset, but was still gripping her twin’s hand tightly and watching her mother with worried eyes.
“Shall we eat then, my darlings?” Elaina asked, fishing a cloth wrapped package from the inside of her cloak.
The twins nodded, reaching for bread as she unwrapped the package and passed out the food. While they ate, her twins seemed to recover a little, still pressed against each other but kicking their legs and looking around the common.
After they finished eating, the twins climbed up the wall they had been perched on, jumping off to land on the grass with grins. They played for a while, jumping further and higher, until Elaina herded them back to the tailor’s shop.
As she worked through the afternoon, Elaina cemented her plans to stop by the forge on the way home to speak with Rin, the blacksmith, about his daughter.
The twins stayed close to each other during the afternoon, and were noticeably quieter than in the morning. Elaina explained to the other seamstresses that Vax’ildan had simply gotten upset and was feeling better now, which they accepted without comment.
After finishing her work for the day, Elaina fastened cloaks onto her children before taking their hands in hers as they set off from the shop.
“We’re going to the forge before we head home, my darlings. I need to ask Rin about something, okay?” Elaina explained, leading them down the dirt streets.
“Yeah! Can we see Tubby?”, cheered Vex’ahlia from her right, referencing the dog Rin kept.
“I’m sure if you ask nicely, you can,” said Elaina, smiling at her excited children.
As they turned the corner onto the square which housed the forge, the twins began to bounce as they spotted a large boarhound sleeping in the doorway to the forge itself. It roused as they neared, lifting its head from large paws as both children broke free from their mother and descended upon him.
Elaina peered her head around the doorway, calling out, “Hello?”
A figure with their back to the door pulled something from the fire with large metal tongs, turning at the interruption.
A young woman with dark, soot-stained skin and long hair pulled up into a loose ponytail plunged the red-hot metal into a trough of water by her side. As the water hissed, she emerged from the steam towards Elaina, pulling thick leather gloves off and setting them aside on a workbench as she walked forwards. She pushed bulky goggles of glass and leather up to rest on her forehead, leaving a faint outline around her eyes.
“Can I help you?”, she spoke, looking at Elaina with curiosity.
Observing the young woman in front of her, Elaina realised that this was Rin’s daughter; they shared the same strong build and smooth complexion. She looked content, Elaina thought, with piercing dark eyes, the same curly hair as her father, and well-defined arms from working as a blacksmith. A far cry from the quiet, withdrawn child she had been.
Elaina started, realising she hadn’t responded to the girl.
“I‒I’m sorry,” she began, ”I was looking for your father? But...I think maybe I should speak to you instead?”
The young woman’s head tilted slightly as she noted Elaina’s hesitance and her hips shifted to lean against the workbench at her side.
“He’s out back shifting coal. I could go get him if you want?”, she offered, “What’s it about?”
“Uh...well I know you‒I mean you used to...um, not be a girl?”, Elaina stuttered, struggling to explain that her child might be like this young woman in front of her.
The young woman in question tensed, crossing her arms tightly in front of herself. Her eyes narrowed and her welcoming expression became cautious.
“And”, she said guardedly.
“Oh, no I didn’t mean‒”, Elaina’s hands twisted anxiously as she saw uncertainty in the face of the girl in front of her. “I think‒I think maybe my son might be like you?” Elaina said hesitantly, realising that maybe son wasn’t the right word. She gestured past herself to where the twins were lavishing attention on the huge dog outside the doorway to the forge.
The young woman’s eyes followed Elaina’s hand to the twins and her brow unfurrowed. She watched the children for a moment before her shoulders relaxed. She seemed to mull over Elaina’s words for a while, chewing at her lower lip.
“I’ll go get my dad for you”, she said, “and would‒do you want me to speak to them maybe?”
Elaina gratefully agreed, thanking her as she left through a door in the back corner of the forge before reappearing a minute later.
When Rin came in, trailing behind his daughter, he had clearly been briefed on the situation. He smiled at Elaina, inviting her to have a cup of tea while the young woman ‒
“Lucia,” he said, “after her grandmother.”
‒ spoke to Vax’ildan.
Rin was calming, reassuring Elaina that her child was okay and letting her know that this was not something Elaina had instigated. He told her that there were many others in the Tal’Dorei who were similar to her child in this way leading normal, happy lives.
They sat on the small wooden porch of Rin’s house, right next door to the forge, watching as Lucia sat down next to the twins who were still enamoured with the dog. The twins seemed curious about the young woman wearing a tough leather apron and covered in soot, and Elaina could see them chattering excitedly to her and each other.
After several cups of tea and some reassurances from Rin, Elaina watched Lucia stand up and make her way over to the porch.
She nodded in greeting at Elaina as she joined them on the porch, hand resting on her father’s shoulder where he was sitting. Rin looked up at his daughter, smiling proudly as she rolled her eyes at him ‒ although with no real heat behind the gesture ‒ a small smile playing at the corner of her lips.
“Is Vax’ildan…” Elaina trailed off, unsure of how to ask.
“Your children are very articulate for their age,” Lucia commented, “They could explain how they feel very well to me.”
Elaina looked up at the young woman.
“They?”, she asked uncertainly, “You mean both of them…”
Lucia nodded at her, “From what they told me, they’re both like me. Not in the exact same way, but they both said they feel uncomfortable with their gender sometimes.”
Elaina looked over to her children who had moved on from stroking the dog to seeing who could climb the walls of the forge highest. Vex was clinging to the large, rough stones which made up the structure as Vax watched on from the ground.
“Oh…”, she said faintly. Her thoughts were racing as she thought about how the twins behaved in the past. She knew that sometimes Vax’ildan and Vex’ahlia switched names on her, and would suddenly insist on being called by the other’s name but she assumed that they were trying to prank her, and would simply go along with it most of the time. Perhaps they hadn’t just been playing as she had assumed.
Lucia interrupted her musing, “They both said that sometimes they feel like Vax and sometimes they feel like Vex. They said that Vax is a boy and Vex is a girl.”
Elaina nodded absently, rather overwhelmed at her sudden realisations; her children were sometimes boys and sometimes girls. Elaina felt rather desperate; she knew her children would already have a tough time due to their mixed heritage and the family’s lower income, and she didn’t want another aspect of them to make them targets.
“Are you sure?” she asked Lucia, already knowing the answer even as she spoke, “Aren’t they too young?”
Lucia shook her head and she looked away from Elaina towards the twins, playing happily, as she answered.
“There’s not really a thing as being too young to know yourself. If you ask them, they’ll just tell you how they feel,” she said bluntly.
Elaina steeled herself, feeling a certainty settle in her chest; she wouldn’t let the world tell her children that they were wrong or inferior. The twins were going to be looked down on no matter what, and she would do everything in her power to protect them and to teach them to protect each other.
Rin and Lucia waited patiently in silence for a few minutes as she gathered her thoughts.
She turned to look at Rin, “What do I do now? How did‒how did you…” Elaina trailed off, glancing back at her children playing together.
Rin laughed, a deep sound, and looked at Elaina reassuringly, smile lines filling his weathered face.
“I can’t tell you what to do next, Elaina, they’re your kids not mine.” He clapped his hand over Lucia’s where it rested on his shoulder and smiled up at his daughter. “I can only tell you that when my Lucia told me, I believed her, and asked about what I didn’t understand,” he said gently.
He looked over to the forge entrance and jerked his chin towards the twins. “They’re clever kids you’ve got there. I reckon you’re best asking them what they want you to do next.”
Elaina nodded, lost in thought. She finished her cup of tea and stood, nodding at first Rin then Lucia.
“Thank you, both. I really appreciate it,” Elaina said, before stepping off the porch.
“If you have any more questions, you know where to find us,” said Rin, standing too and walking back to the forge with Elaina.
As the twins walked home with their mother, she was quiet as she thought about everything she had learned that day. Elaina remained quiet as she made dinner for them all, and watched her children recounting the day to each other between mouthfuls.
It was only as she was helping them change for bed that Elaina spoke up.
“Thank you for being so well behaved today, my darlings. I wanted to apologise to you Vex’ahlia,” she reached towards both twins and pulled them into her arms. “I didn’t understand that you were a girl today, darling. I didn’t mean to upset you earlier,” Elaina addressed the twin on her left. The child in question wriggled in her hold and twisted to rest on Elaina’s chest.
“‘S okay, Mamma. Lucia said you didn’t know ‘cause no one knows how you feel inside unless you tell ‘em,” said the small voice.
Elaina nodded, hugging them both tighter. “Do you think that you could tell me how you feel inside”, she asked softly, “so I don’t get it wrong again?” Dark hair bobbed up and down in her vision as Vex’ahlia nodded assent and Elaina looked to the twin on her right.
“And you too, my darling?” Another nod of agreement from...also Vex’ahlia?
“Do you want to be called something different, darling, so you’re not both Vex’ahlia?” Elaina asked.
The twins exchanged a look and both shook their heads, dark hair flying.
“Nah uh,” Vex’ahlia said, “we’re the same.”
“Yeah, we’re both Vex, an’ Vex is the same,” said the other twin.
Elaina mentally shrugged, she supposed that there was no guidebook to this so who was she to tell her children what was okay or not.
“Alright, my darlings,” Elaina released them from her embrace, ”Time for bed.”
The twins changed into their sleep shirts and climbed into bed, snuggling under the blankets. Elaina pulled them up round her children’s chins, tucking them in before pressing kisses to each of their foreheads.
“Goodnight Vex, I love you,” she said, and with a moment of hesitation added, “Goodnight Vex, I love you.”
“G’night Mamma.”
“Night Mamma,” came the sleepy responses.
Elaina gently shut the door to their bedroom and headed towards her own, worn out from a busy day with many things to think on before she could sleep herself.
The next morning when she woke her children, she remembered Rin’s advice from yesterday to ask if she was unsure.
“Good morning, darling, would you like to wear red or black today?” she held two tunics out towards the bed, “And are you Vax or Vex today?”
Her sleepy child looked startled for a few seconds, ears perking up, before grinning at her.
“Red, please. And I’m Vex today,” she said happily.
“Okay, my darling,” Elaina responded, handing over the tunic. She helped Vex’ahlia to change and turned to the other twin who was sitting cross legged on top of the blankets.
“Good morning, are you Vax or Vex today, darling?” she asked.
Her child looked at her seriously for a long moment with dark eyes before responding, “I’m Vax today, Mamma.”
“Okay Vax,” Elaina smiled at him, “Don’t forget we’re picking apples today, you two. Let’s be quick this morning, shall we?”
Excited by the prospect of apple picking, the twins quickly dressed and made their bed before pattering down the stairs. Behind them, Elaina smiled to herself. Her children were still her children, and she would do anything to make them happy.
_________________________________________
For several years the twins grew and learned and played together, knowing that their mother understood and loved them as they were. There were days where they were both Vax or both Vex, and days where one of them was Vax and one was Vex, but each morning their mother asked.
They never needed to ask each other; they could just tell. They both knew what Vex felt like and what Vex looked like, and the same with Vax. As easily as they could tell if themselves were Vex or Vax, they could tell of the other.
Their mother loved them still, and told them to ignore the mean things some of the other children in town said about them. The twins knew they were different ‒ not only because sometimes they were Vax and sometimes they were Vex ‒ but also because their ears were long, and they were thin and delicate, and their dark eyes could see much better in the dark than other people.
Elaina answered her children’s questions as well as she could, knowing that they were curious about their heritage. Her twins asked if their gender came from elves too, like the other parts of them the local children didn’t understand, and Elaina smiled sadly. Perhaps, she responded noncommittally, knowing that this part of them didn’t come from their heritage but simply from themselves.
The twins learnt how to read and count from their mother, and how to darn holes from Mrs. Mandin, and how to twist hot metal into useful shapes from Lucia and Rin, and how to look after animals and pick fruit and bake bread and run errands from lots of different people in town. They were comfortable and happy in their life, but sadly it did not last.
When the twins were 10, a snooty, well-dressed elf came to their cottage and took them away. They didn’t want to go, and their mother didn’t want them to leave, but the elf was firm and mean.
Their mother pleaded for them to stay, but the elf said that he had every right as their father to take them. The twins exchanged glances and studied him carefully, looking for parts of themselves in him.
The elf ‒ their father ‒ said they needed education and a proper upbringing, and didn’t listen to them as they said they got that here, that their mother gave them that. As well as not listening to them, he seemed not to look at them either, addressing above their heads or slightly to the side of where they were.
This strange elf didn’t seem much like what the twins imagined when they spoke softly during the night, telling each other imagined stories of their father. His eyes were dark like theirs but were lacking warmth, his ears were much longer than theirs were, and his dark hair was pulled back tightly rather than in loose waves like theirs was.
The twins packed up their shared clothing, and the small metal figures Lucia and Rin had gifted to them on their birthday, and held each other’s hands as the elf spoke to their mother.
Elaina fastened their winter cloaks around their shoulders, pulling the hoods around their necks, hiding her shaking hands as she told them to behave and look after each other while they were away. She hugged them tightly to her, kissing their crowns and closing her eyes as she breathed in the moment. Eventually the elf cleared his throat and Elaina pulled back, brushing hair out of their eyes and smiling as tears welled in her eyes.
“I love you my darlings,” she said, managing to stop her voice from wavering.
She watched as the twins were bundled into a carriage, clutching each other’s hands tightly, looking bewildered. Their faces peered through the window, dark eyes solemn as they were driven away.
Elaina smiled and waved until she could no longer see the carriage, before her façade broke and she wept at the loss of her children. She did not know she would never see them again, but sobbed as though she was aware of it.
Her children did not cry, they sat in the corner of the carriage quietly and warily watching the strange elf sitting opposite them. He did not look at them, instead looking out of the window into the growing dusk.
The twins leaned into each other, taking comfort from the familiarity of each other amidst this turmoil, following their father’s gaze into the dark landscapes passing by as they were driven away from everything they’d ever known.