Work Text:
Everyone knows about Izuku’s notebooks.
From the time he first learned how to write, he would fill page after page with all the quirk knowledge he could get his hands on.
Hero Analysis for the Future.
But Izuku has another notebook.
A secret notebook that never leaves his room, for fear of what Kacchan might do to it.
And what that might in turn do to Izuku.
This notebook is larger and fatter than standard notebooks, and the bright yellow cover is unadorned save a shaky smiley drawn on in black marker.
This notebook does not grace his bookshelves like the rest.
Instead, this one sits in his top drawer and waits for him to return, for though Izuku only spends a few minutes a day on it, it is always the first thing he does when he returns home from school.
This notebook has been with him since he could write, though he doesn’t write in it so often anymore.
This notebook looks old, though not all its pages are full.
And yet,
It is this notebook, that is the most important, of all the others.
Which is why, when Izuku entered his dorm room on that fateful day, and saw three of his friends reading it, his breath caught in his throat and he had the worst panic attack of his life.
***
It all started when Izuku had discovered that Todoroki was a closet All Might nerd who’d never seen any of the movies for fear of his father’s wrath. This had led to a group of classmates admitting they too had never seen all the movies.
Izuku had immediately offered to share his collection but it soon became apparent that he was an old school collector (or perhaps his mother had been trying to save money) as he only owned them all on video cassette. The screen in the common room could stream movies, as well as play DVD and blue ray, and even had slots to plug in video games and laptops, but sadly, a VCR was nowhere on campus.
Save the small old screen in Izuku’s room with a video slot built in.
Majority of the group had then opted out at the prospect of squeezing around the tiny screen.
And that’s how the group consisting of Kirishima, Todoroki and Shinsou, found themselves sprawled out on Izuku’s bed and floor waiting for him to arrive with snacks.
***
“Are you seriously doing homework right now?” Shinsou raises a single eyebrow from his perch on Midoriya’s bed.
Kirishima groans. “I know! But there’s no way I’ll be able to finish if I leave it for after the marathon!”
The room falls silent as the two on the bed watch their classmate scramble.
Todoroki clears his throat. “You’ll lose points if you don’t show your work.”
“What??? No way! But there’s no room!”
Shinsou makes a point of plugging his ears and mock glaring.
Todoroki simply says, “I use a spare sheet of paper.” A brief pause. “Is this why you’re failing math?”
Kirishima’s mouth drops open and Shinsou laughs. “Haha! Brutal!”
Todoroki continues. “I was wondering how that was possible since you study with Bakugou, and he’s consistently in the top three of our class grades-wise…”
Kirishima whines as Shinsou flops back on the bed -still laughing- and narrowly avoids kicking Todoroki in the face.
“But I don’t have any extras! I used all my spares on the essay!”
Shinsou straightens up. “So? We’re in Midoriya’s room. He’s probably got plenty of spare paper and you can always replace whatever you use… He keeps his empty notebooks in his desk there.” He gestures vaguely before pulling out his phone and loading some cat videos. Kirishima groans loudly and gets to his feet as Todoroki moves closer to Shinsou’s phone, in apparent interest.
Kirishima makes his way over to Midoriya’s desk. The surface is clear except for the boy’s current analysis notebook and way more pens than anyone could possibly ever need.
Kirishima opens the top drawer first. “Score.”
The drawer is empty, save a single thick notebook with a bright yellow cover. It looks a bit old, but it doesn’t have a title, just a crudely drawn black smiley, so Kirishima assumes it's for scrap and pulls it out.
He opens to a random page and-
I am NOT useless.
I am NOT worthless.
I WILL be a hero!
I am NOT useless.
I am NOT worthless.
I WILL be a hero!
I am NOT-
Krishima slams the book closed.
He stands frozen for a minute in shock.
‘What the heck?’
He slowly peeks at the first page.
I am not a deku.
I am not a deku.
I am not a deku.
I am not a deku.
I am not a deku.
I am NOT a deku!!!
I AM IZUKU
and I AM NOT USELESS!!!
“Whatcha got there Kirishima?”
He yelps in surprise and the notebook goes flying. It lands on the bed, open to a random page in the middle.
Todoroki and Shinsou freeze.
MY EXISTENCE
IS NOT
POINTLESS!!!
Todoroki gasps and Shinsou swears and Kirishima moves forward -just to put that notebook away -He’d never give in to his curiosity like that.
The excuse sounds empty even to himself.
His gaze lands on the extra-large words; then the rips in the page where the pen had pressed too hard. He scans the marks distorting the letters (that could only be from tears) and-
The page turns.
If pressed later, the three boys couldn’t say who had done it.
Perhaps it was all of them.
The next couple pages are repeats of
MY EXISTENCE
IS NOT
POINTLESS!!!
With one of them listing the sentence over and over in neat uniform rows as if someone had set him to write lines for detention.
But then they change again.
I AM
NOT
A DRAIN ON SOCIETY!!!
I AM
NOT
A COSMIC JOKE!!!
I AM
NOT
A CREEPY STALKER!!!
I AM
NOT
A LEECH ON MY MOTHER!!!
Page after page after page.
Most of the book seems to be dedicated to:
I am NOT useless.
I am NOT worthless.
I WILL be a hero!
I am NOT useless.
I am NOT worthless.
I WILL be a hero!
But the pages that aren’t.
The pages where extra-large words scream emotion at them.
Those pages chill the boys to the bone.
“What the fuck is this?” Shinsou breathes, his usual emotionless tone now full of horror. Because he’d been unsure. But-
I
AM NOT
A PROBLEM CHILD!!!
-there’s no doubt that this book is Midoriya’s.
And going by that last page alone, it’s been written in recently.
I am Deku.
The Deku who tries his best.
Deku is the name of a hero.
I. Am. A Hero.
I am Deku.
The Deku who tries his best.
Deku is the name of a hero.
I. Am. A Hero.
I am Deku.
The Deku who tries his best.
Deku is -
The words are cut off and the rest of this page is filled with harsh scribbling -but that is not what makes it the hardest page to read.
Not the tear stains or the harsh lines from a pen clearly gripped tight.
No.
It’s the fact that hindsight is twenty-twenty and the three boys now realize how their friend’s smile would tighten ever so slightly whenever someone called him Deku.
Even as a hero name.
Especially as a hero name.
Deku.
Useless.
How could they be so blind?
The page turns.
They were wrong about me.
I will be a hero.
I have to.
Shinsou is cursing and Kirishima is sobbing and Todoroki’s temperature is fluctuating and of course, that’s when Midoriya walks in.
The bowls of popcorn and chips hit the floor as their friend lets out a slightly strangled sound and proceeds to have the worst panic attack the three have ever seen.
Later, they will think more on what they’d learned.
But for now they spring into action.
Shinsou speaks low and calm and soothing, trying to prompt Midoriya into responding so his quirk can calm him down.
Todoroki lays his hands on Midoriya’s shoulders and exaggerates their temperatures in an effort to ground him.
Kirishima tugs them all out of the doorway and thoughtfully shuts the door.
Midoriya collapses onto the edge of his bed, one hand gripping his shirt as wide green eyes shift around the room, a clearly panicked expression on his face.
Shinsou slowly sits beside him, murmuring reassurances and compliments into the other boy’s ear, though his shiny purple eyes give away how he is really feeling.
Todoroki crouches in Midoriya’s line of sight and takes his hands, pressing one against his own chest for the other boy to focus on.
Kirishima subtly returns the notebook to its drawer before taking a seat on Midoriya’s other side and wrapping an arm around him in a loose hug.
When Shinsou runs out of things to say Todoroki takes over.
He talks of his admiration and gratitude and how amazing a hero Midoriya is already -and for the first time there is emotion audible in his usually flat tone.
When he finally trails off, Kirishima takes a turn, waxing poetic about the inspiration that Midoriya is, how he is so strong even without his quirk. How Kirishima wishes he had his skills for analysis.
It is a long time till Midoriya calms down.
Later the three will each lay awake in their beds, shocked at how wrong they had been about Midoriya.
They had thought he was an unattainable ideal.
Someone they could strive to emulate but never actually reach.
But in the end.
The truth is.
‘He’s just like me.’