Work Text:
“Good morning, Gonta,” Shuichi hums, stirring something around in a pan that Gonta can’t quite see from where he’s standing. He seems to notice, and he laughs a little when Gonta cranes his neck to try and take a peek. “I’m just making eggs. Do you want any?”
“Ah, Gonta would like some,” he answers as he pushes up his glasses and moves further into the kitchen. The eggs smell really good; Gonta will probably have to get Shuichi to teach him how to cook properly one of these days. “Any plans for today?”
Shuichi nods. “Yeah, I’ve got a date later, but nothing else. My uncle gave me the day off, so I’m not doing anything big. You?” he asks with a slight tilt of his head.
He turns off the stove and begins plating the eggs. Gonta thanks him and takes one of the plates. “Gonta has to go to lab and take care of bugs today. Gundham is out of town with Miss Sonia, though, so Gonta also gotta make sure his snakes okay. They keep snakes real close to bug lab,” he explains, and Shuichi smiles gently at him.
They eat in a comfortable silence, only broken when Gonta tells Shuichi how good the food tastes. They’ve been roommates for a while now, have been since they graduated from Hope’s Peak. It made sense to move into an apartment together, considering their jobs are only a few streets apart, and they’ve always gotten along really well.
Shuichi did have to lay some ground rules down about bringing tarantulas home, but now the only bug surprise he’ll get is the occasional butterfly in his hair. Gonta also had to ask Shuichi not to bring his more...graphic case files into the living room, to which the detective had quickly agreed. Neither of them have many guests over other than mutual friends, but their apartment has never felt lonely. It’s fairly small, but it never feels cramped or anything, though sometimes it’s hard to get around each other in the hall.
Gonta’s pretty happy with his life right now, and he couldn’t ask for a better roommate. He grins at Shuichi, who smiles back and sets both of their now-empty dishes in the sink. “What time will you be back home?” he asks, casting a glance back at Gonta as he turns on the faucet. “Just so I know whether to make dinner for both of us or only me.”
“Hmm...Gonta will prolly be back around six. If you want, Gonta can pick up some dinner on the way home,” he offers.
Shuichi nods and purses his lips in thought for a moment. “Chinese? Pizza, maybe? We haven’t had Greek in a while, actually.” He sets the dishes on the drying rack and shuts the faucet off, turning so that his back is pressed against the counter. “What do you think?”
“Greek sounds really good,” Gonta agrees. He glances at the time, then jumps, his eyes wide. “O-Oh, Gonta gotta go, see you later!”
He barely catches Shuichi bidding him farewell as he hurries out the door. The walk isn’t too far, so he probably won’t be late if he goes quickly. Though, being as big as he is, he figures him running down the street might be a bit of a scary sight for some people, so he settles for walking as fast as his legs will let him, narrowly avoiding a collision with a food cart on his way.
When he gets to the lab, he exchanges his suit jacket for a lab coat and starts his typical routine of caring for his bugs. The terrariums line an entire wall, and this lab is much larger than the one he’d had at Hope’s Peak, though it’s much more sterile-looking than his old one. It kind of reminds Gonta of a doctor’s office sometimes. A doctor’s office with bugs in it.
Even some of his shyer bugs seem to be cooperating with him today, and he quickly checks on Gundham’s snakes before settling down to do some sample observations. It’s nothing too difficult, but he does have quite a few new specimens to check out from a trip he took over the summer. Writing down observations would be boring if it were about anything other than bugs, so Gonta really does have to appreciate how lucky he is to work where he does.
The day goes by fairly quickly, and he even gets done early! Shuichi will probably be pretty hungry by the time Gonta gets back with the food; he hurries out of the lab after checking on the snakes one last time and heads a few blocks over to the little Greek place on the corner. He orders what he knows is Shuichi’s favorite, along with some baklava for dessert.
It takes a while, but soon enough, he’s on his way back home with their takeout, excited to be home early. The walk home is nice, especially with how lovely the weather’s been lately. There’s even a few dragonflies at the fountain in the courtyard of their apartment complex! Today’s been going so well, and he even gets to go home and see Shuichi before the sun sets. Gonta loves spending time with Shuichi. He is such an amazing person and a really good friend. He’s so kind and funny and—
He’s making out with someone on their couch.
The bags of takeout hit the ground with a loud thud. The two men on the couch immediately jump apart and Shuichi looks over at him with wide eyes. Gonta recognizes the other person in the room; Rantaro’s pretty hard to forget, after all. Rantaro just grins and waves, whereas Shuichi is currently bright red and on the complete other side of the couch now. As he remembers the takeout on the floor, he scoops it back up, glad to have an excuse not to look at his roommate.
For some reason, he feels sick to his stomach. It’s a very unsettling feeling, and he’s kind of appalled at himself for the wave of disgust that washes over him. He shakes his head, cheeks burning as he moves the takeout over to the dining table. The apartment is garishly silent. Gonta mentally chastises himself for feeling like this, like he’s going to throw up. He’s never had any problem with boys that like other boys before…what had changed?
“I, uh, didn’t think you’d be home for a while,” Shuichi’s voice says behind him, and Gonta jumps, a bit startled. Shuichi looks every bit embarrassed as Gonta feels. His cheeks are still bright red and he’s avoiding eye contact. It’s quiet for a bit, then Rantaro passes through the hall and bids them both goodbye. “Call me?” Shuichi’s voice is kind of timid yet kind of hopeful, and Gonta feels another wave of bleh hit him when Rantaro winks at his roommate.
The door closes quietly, but it feels a lot louder than it is. “So...your date went good, then?” Gonta asks, still trying to get whatever weird feeling he’s having in check.
Shuichi laughs nervously and runs a hand through his hair. “Y-Yeah, it did. You could probably tell that, though, from the uh...yeah,” he finishes weakly. Then, his resolve seems to strengthen, and he looks directly up at Gonta. “Look, I’m really sorry, I shouldn’t have brought him back to the apartment without asking you.”
“N-No, no, it no problem!” Gonta assures him, though for some reason his brain keeps insisting it is a problem. “Shuichi can invite over whoever he want! Gonta just...got surprised, that’s all. A-And to be honest, Gonta kinda embarrassed.”
He watches Shuichi’s shoulders slump in relief as he starts setting out the food. “Oh, alright. I’m a little embarrassed too,” he admits with a sheepish chuckle. Spotting the takeout, he perks right up. “Ooh, is that from the Greek place near your lab? That one’s so much better than the one near the agency.”
“Mhm. But, uh, Gonta might eat a little later. Big lunch, you know?” He feels a bit bad for lying, because a true gentleman would never lie, but his stomach is still churning from the thought of what had just happened on their couch. He thinks he might need to sit down for a bit.
Shuichi’s visibly disappointed, but he doesn’t press further. “Yeah, no problem. I’ll just put your stuff in the microwave, then, so you can heat it up if it’s cold when you want to eat,” he offers, and Gonta thanks him quietly before retreating to his bedroom.
He sits on the edge of his bed, staring down at his hands. He’s frowning, not really sure where to go from here. He’s never had a problem with this sort of stuff before, not like this, so maybe it was just the fact it had been quite the surprise to come home to. Yes, that has to be it. He’s not a hateful person—at least, he tries not to be to the best of his ability—and he’d normally never let himself feel weird because of anyone anybody kisses. Gonta decides that it’s got to be that it was just a jarring sight.
That’s definitely the reason.
*****
It’s not the reason.
He comes home every so often to Shuichi with a different guy, and he always gets that same feeling of being repulsed and disgusted. For no reason at all! Even when Shuichi and his date aren’t...doing what he’d seen with Rantaro, even when they’re doing something so innocent as holding hands and watching a movie, Gonta wants nothing more than for the unfamiliar guy to leave.
It’s something he’s incredibly ashamed of, and Gonta knows he has to find a way to stop feeling like this. After all, how’s he going to react if Shuichi ends up getting a stable boyfriend? He just can’t stop imagining all the things these guys are doing with Shuichi, even though he very much doesn’t want to. It feels horrible, and then that makes Gonta feel horrible for feeling horrible.
Shuichi’s started to notice, too. He starts bringing guys over less, which makes Gonta both relieved and upset at himself. The detective talks less and less about his love life and his work life (as he’d dated a coworker for a week or two), which has been starting to make their conversations kind of short and awkward. Gonta hates it. He hates the weirdness and the tension and he just wants to tell his brain to stop being so ungentlemanly. Gentleman support their friends, and Gonta’s doing the exact opposite of that.
They reach the tipping point not a few months after the couch incident.
Gonta gets home after a rather long day at work, only to get an eyeful of what is definitely a goodbye kiss. They break apart when they hear the door open. Shuichi glances over at him kind of timidly—which Gonta absolutely hates himself for—and gives his new date’s hand a gentle squeeze.
“Ah, this must be the famous roommate,” the man says, tall and kind of similar in stature to Gonta. He extends a hand. “Nice to meet you, man, Saihara’s told me all about you.”
It feels like his body is on autopilot, and he only stares at the man’s hand for a second before looking back up. “Has he?” Gonta asks flatly, completely startling Shuichi. “That’s nice.”
The man withdraws his hand and looks at Shuichi nervously. Gonta’s eyes follow and immediately zone in on Shuichi’s neck, which is littered with slight bruises. Gonta might be less experienced with romance than most people, but even he knows what those are from. He looks back up at the man, who now seems ten times less appealing, if possible. “Uh, so, have you guys lived together long?” It’s a feeble attempt to keep the conversation afloat.
For some reason, Gonta’s gaze keeps dragging back to those light spots on Shuichi’s neck, and something ugly rears its head within him, and all that time Gonta had spent trying to make himself okay with this goes out the window. “Are you gonna leave now?” The question is blunt, and Gonta’s back to silently yelling at himself when Shuichi’s brow furrows. That ugly feeling doesn’t seem to care about the way Gonta wants to act, though. “Well?”
“I think I will, actually,” the guy says, avoiding his eyes and slipping past Gonta to leave. The door slams shut behind him; he must have been really intimidated, and Gonta feels awful, though that gross, ugly monster of his seems to be rejoicing.
Shuichi crosses his arms and steps in front of Gonta before the entomologist can even think about retreating to his room. “What the hell was that about?” he asks quietly, his voice slightly shaky. Gonta winces when he realizes it’s anger that’s making it waver.
“Gonta not—”
“And don’t say you don’t know, because I think we both know perfectly well what this is,” Shuichi tells him in the calmest tone he can muster.
Gonta bites his lip and looks away, though there’s a little voice in his head taunting him and telling him to just look at all those marks, how terrible… “It’s nothing, really, Gonta just...had a bad day,” he mumbles. Shuichi looks unconvinced, and Gonta frowns. What is he supposed to say? He can’t tell Shuichi that the thought of him with a boy makes Gonta feel sick.
“You’d never be rude, even if you had a bad day. Try again,” Shuichi says, and Gonta really should have seen this coming. Shuichi is really perceptive, and he’s known Gonta for years at this point. After a long silence, Shuichi pinches the bridge of his nose and sighs. “Look, if you have a problem with me sleeping with guys—”
“N-No! That’s not—Gonta not have problem with that, promise!” It’s a rushed response, but Shuichi’s wording makes him give pause. “Wait...sleeping with…?”
The idea of it makes Gonta’s expression go dark. He tries to hide it, but Shuichi notices. “So that is the problem. Great,” he huffs, and Gonta starts panicking when Shuichi puts his coat on.
“But Gonta not care who you’re with, Shuichi!” he blurts, but that just seems to make Shuichi angrier. The confusion resulting from his reaction is the only thing that stops Gonta from going after him down the hall.
“So you won’t care if I sleep with a guy as long as it’s not here, right? Is that the problem?” The words are angry, full of hurt, and Gonta can feel his eyes start to water.
Gonta doesn’t know what to say, but even thinking about Shuichi doing...that...with some mystery guy makes him even more repulsed. “I-It’s not Gonta’s business,” he offers weakly, “so do what you want.”
Shuichi storms out without another word. Gonta feels sick for an entirely different reason.
Gonta’s not sure how much time has passed since Shuichi had left, but it’s not long before there’s a knock on the door. He hurries over and practically throws the door open, and he’s met face-to-face with Kaede. That’s right, the three of them were supposed to be hanging out tonight.
“Hi, Gonta! I brought brownies,” she sing-songs, and Gonta steps aside to let her in. “Hey, Shuichi! You better come get some of these before they’re all gone!” She slips off her shoes and sets the brownies down on the kitchen table. Kaede looks towards the hall where Gonta and Shuichi’s bedrooms are expectantly, then back up at Gonta for an explanation when her bribe of brownies doesn’t seem to be garnering any results.
“Shuichi just left,” Gonta explains, voice hollow. “Gonta...really messed up.”
Kaede’s brow furrows, and she takes a bite from one of the brownies. “What happened?” she asks finally. Gonta doesn’t answer, instead fiddling with the hem of his shirt. He really doesn’t want to answer, but surely Kaede would be able to help. He can’t have Kaede mad at him too, but he really wants to know how to fix everything. “Gonta?”
So he explains everything about the encounter, about how rude he was and how angry Shuichi had gotten. “And he just...left,” he says, and he really, really wants his hands to stop shaking.
She hums, cupping her chin with her hand as her brow furrows. “He’s not the type to storm out after an argument, but then again, he’s really sensitive when it comes to, uh, this sort of stuff,” Kaede says, the frown never leaving her face. “I’m sure you didn’t mean to be rude. Maybe if you offer to explain why you reacted like that, he’ll be willing to listen.”
“But Gonta don’t know why he was so mean!” Gonta sighs and slumps against the kitchen counter. “It been like this since Shuichi brought Rantaro home months ago…Gonta not know how to fix this.”
Kaede pauses and finishes off what must be her fourth brownie since Gonta had started explaining everything. “I honestly don’t know either. Do you think maybe it’s a problem with who Shuichi is seeing? Like...maybe you have a problem with…?” She doesn’t seem to want to finish her sentence, and she looks a bit worried. When Gonta shrugs helplessly at her, she takes a deep breath and finishes the thought. “Is it possible you might have a problem with Shuichi having boys over because they’re boys?”
Gonta’s eyes go wide, and he’s terrified that her explanation might actually be the reason behind why he’s been so mean lately. “Gonta...never had problem with that before,” he says weakly, “but maybe…”
Nodding wisely, Kaede moves to stand next to him and offers him a brownie. He takes it, but gives her a confused look. Surely she thinks he’s terrible now, right? “Comfort food,” she explains. “I’m sure you don’t want to be feeling like this. You’re a good person, Gonta.”
“Doesn’t feel like it,” he mumbles around a mouthful of brownie, and she sighs.
“You know, Kaito was like this a while back. He’d probably be a good person to talk to about this sort of stuff and how to get over whatever this might be caused by,” Kaede tells him, and she pulls her phone from her pocket. “Do you happen to be free tomorrow?”
*****
Gonta fiddles nervously with the napkin in front of him, glancing up at the door to the coffee shop every so often. It’s not very busy today, but it still feels like he’s the only person alone there. The room is filled with quiet chatter as the waitress comes over for the second time in half an hour to ask if he’s ready to order yet. He politely declines, tells her that he’s waiting for somebody, but he’s starting to think Kaito might never show up.
Fortunately, the bells on the door jingle and in bumbles the astronaut in question, who waves enthusiastically at him. “Hey! Long time, no see!” he calls, and a few heads turn his way with how loud he is. He weaves through a few tables and plops down in the seat across from Gonta. “So, what’s up? Akamatsu said you needed some advice.”
Gonta hesitates, wondering whether he should have just asked Kaede to send what he needed advice on over text. “Ah, y-yeah...Gonta think he might be, um, ho-mo-pho-bic,” he says, trying to sound out the word so he says it the way Kaede had. Seeing the look of confusion and slight surprise on Kaito’s face, he makes to clarify. “N-Not on purpose! Ah, sorry, Gonta not really know how to explain it.”
“Uh, it’s okay, man,” Kaito tells him, still looking just as confused. “I mean, I guess I get why you needed my advice, then.” He chuckles quietly, which is nothing like the boisterous laugh Gonta remembers from their time together at school.
“Kaede said Kaito would know how to help Gonta stop feeling like this,” he adds. “She said you used to have same feelings.”
Kaito looks kind of ashamed, and Gonta feels a bit guilty now at bringing any of this up. Nevertheless, he’s still Kaito, always determined to help, and he nods sharply. “Right. I did, but I’m a better guy now. I mean, it might be different for you, I guess, but I can try my damn hardest to help you get better too,” he declares, slamming his fists together. He pauses, visibly thinking about something. “Well, I guess I should probably know how this shit started for you.”
“R-Right! Um, well, Gonta not notice any problem until Shuichi—”
“Oh! I know what you’re talking about, it was the same for me,” Kaito interrupts. “When he came out to me, I was super weirded out and I had no fuckin’ clue why. I mean, it wasn’t really any of my business who he was dating, right? But the idea of two dudes kissing made me feel real awkward, and I just couldn’t get behind the idea of my sidekick being with a guy. Eventually, though, Maki Roll smacked some sense into me when I told her.”
“What did Maki say?” Gonta asks, hoping that maybe it’ll be what he needs to hear too.
Kaito laughs, and it’s the familiar laugh this time, which makes Gonta slightly relieved. Kaito isn’t angry with him; if anything, he’s being quite sympathetic. “She basically told me to shove it up my ass if I had a problem with that stuff because Shuichi’s my bro,” he says, still chuckling. “Then when I went to apologize to Shuichi, I found out all the problems I had were with myself.”
Gonta’s brow furrows. “With...yourself? How that possible?” he asks, and now he’s pretty sure he doesn’t have the same problem.
“I was weirded out ’cuz my brain thought it’d be a good idea to push down how I felt about guys by telling me it was gross,” Kaito tells him bluntly. “But it was hard, y’know? Because I’m dating Maki, and I know I’m not gay, so I had no fuckin’ clue how I could have feelings for her if I was into dudes. Plus, there were tons of girls I thought were cute too.” He pauses as he sees the waitress coming over, as this really doesn’t feel like something they should be sharing with their waitress.
They order two coffees—Kaito also gets a bagel—and their conversation starts up again as she leaves. “Gonta not really sure that’s Gonta’s problem,” he admits, “but how you get over feeling weird, Kaito?”
“Well, it was a hell of a lot easier once I figured the whole ‘being bi’ thing out,” he says, “but it was mostly me telling my brain to shut the fuck up and deal with it. I mean, people are entitled to be with whoever the hell they want, and the most important thing is that they’re happy. Me acting like crap about it was only hurting who I cared about, so I had to knock it off.”
Gonta nods, letting a slightly uncomfortable silence wash over them as the waitress brings over their drinks. “So...if Gonta tell you what’s been going on...can Kaito help?” he asks, and he puts lots of milk and sugar into his coffee before taking a sip.
“I’ll do my damn best,” Kaito assures him. “Go ahead.”
And so Gonta spills everything, how he thought his horror about Rantaro was a one-time thing, how he’d been so obviously uncomfortable with Shuichi’s dates that their conversations had been going stale, how he’d been so rude the other night for no reason. Kaito is visibly trying not to laugh by the end of his explanation, and Gonta frowns.
“Gonta not think this is very funny,” he huffs, arms crossed.
Kaito bites his lip and his shoulders shake with the effort not to laugh, but a snort escapes him anyway. At Gonta’s exasperated sigh, he shakes his head. “No, no, I’m not—ah, shit—I swear I’m not laughing at you, it’s just…” he trails off, most likely to compose himself. Gonta drains the last of his coffee and waits for the astronaut to continue. “Have you thought about the idea that you’re not homophobic, you’re just jealous?”
Freezing, Gonta holds the coffee cup not an inch above the table, trying to process what Kaito had just said. “Jealous? But Gonta not really care about dating, so why…?” He lets his sentence go unfinished, still trying to understand what Kaito had meant.
“Not at the fact he has dates,” Kaito says slowly. “I think you might just be jealous of the people he’s dating, big guy.”
“B-But that would mean…” Gonta’s mind is running a mile a minute, and he feels his heart speed up to just about the same pace.
Kaito puts a hand on his arm. “Hey, you okay, man? I know it’s hard to find out you’re not attracted to who you thought you were. But it’s alright, you just have a crush on Shuichi, that’s all—”
“Shuichi gonna be so mad at Gonta! Gonta ruined his date, all because Gonta was jealous!” He puts his head in his hands and groans quietly. Kaito awkwardly pats his shoulder. “What should Gonta do?”
“I think you oughta man up and tell him how you feel,” Kaito tells him. “You’ve gotta explain why you’ve been acting like that, don’t ya? That’s how you do it.”
Gonta nods. “Right. Gonta have to tell the truth about his feelings. That’s what gentlemen do,” he says, sitting up. “Thank you, Kaito.”
Grinning, Kaito gives him a thumbs up. “No problem, man. You go home and talk to him, I’ve got the check.” Gonta makes to protest, but Kaito stops him. “I mean it! Get yourself pumped up, make sure you know what you’re gonna say, and tell him how you feel!”
Despite the fact his face is bright red, Gonta tries to look confident. “O-Okay! Gonta will do his best,” he says with all the resolve he can muster.
It’s much harder to be confident when he gets home.
It’s a Saturday afternoon, so normally Shuichi would be sitting on the couch, reading something or watching TV, but the apartment is hauntingly empty. Gonta sighs and hangs his jacket up on the coat rack as a wave of nerves wash over him. Shuichi hasn’t been home much lately, but when he has, he’s insisted on acting as though nothing’s happened. It’s been painfully awkward. Surely Shuichi wouldn’t be this upset for too long, right? Gonta can only hope that Shuichi will forgive him, even though he’s not entirely sure he deserves it.
He trudges his way into the kitchen and pours himself a glass of water, which will hopefully cool his face down a bit. He glances over at their fridge, to where a picture of the two of them is stuck to the door with a butterfly magnet. Gonta’s gaze settles on their smiling faces in the picture, and his heart suddenly speeds up when he remembers how Shuichi had been laughing and grinning and pressed close to him as they took that picture…
The sound of the door opening snaps him out of his thoughts, and he immediately panics. He hasn’t thought of anything to say yet! “Oh, hello, Gonta,” Shuichi says, rather awkwardly. Gonta waves. It’s quiet for a bit before Shuichi sighs. “My uncle sent me home. He said I was ‘too distracted’ to do any work today.”
“Sorry to, um, hear about that,” Gonta tries, though it doesn’t garner much of a reaction. “Does Shuichi...wanna watch a movie? T-To cheer you up?”
Shuichi’s expression softens. “I’d like that a lot, actually,” he says gently. “Thank you, Gonta.”
Gonta beams at him and sets his now empty glass in the sink. While Shuichi’s hanging up his coat, Gonta heads to their living room to find a good movie to put on. They do this quite often to feel better or just to spend time together—well, less often lately. They usually alternate between bug documentaries, film noirs (Shuichi’s favorite), and whatever cute animated movies they can find.
A good detective movie—one Gonta remembers from a movie marathon at Shuichi’s office that Shuichi had been kind enough to invite him to—is ready to play when Shuichi enters the living room in his pyjamas. Shuichi plops down right next to him on the couch and sighs, leaning back. Gonta freezes in place after he hits play, afraid to make a wrong move and make this already awkward situation even worse. The music lilts softly through the room, and Shuichi moves away to turn off a lamp.
They’re in total darkness save for the screen, so Gonta can’t help but be a bit startled when he feels Shuichi lean into his side. “O-Oh, sorry,” he mumbles, “is Gonta in the way?” He starts to lean away, very aware of how red his cheeks are, but Shuichi stops him.
“Not at all,” he says. He gives Gonta a quizzical look and places a hand on his forehead. Gonta goes completely still. “Everything okay? Your face is hot, are you not feeling well? If you’re sick, you should get some rest, the movie can wait.”
He looks so worried, but Gonta doesn’t want to burden him like that. “No, nothing wrong with Gonta, don’t worry,” he assures Shuichi, and though Shuichi seems not to believe him, he relents and leans back into Gonta again.
It’s not like they haven’t done this before. There’s no reason for Gonta to feel as flustered as he is or for his palms to be as clammy as they are. They’re friends, and friends is more than enough for Gonta, so why does his brain keep pointing out how pretty Shuichi looks in the dim light and how easy it would be to just lean in and—
“Are you sure you’re okay?” Shuichi asks, and Gonta nods, trying his best to focus on the movie instead of his feelings. Shuichi hums in thought and snuggles closer, giggling softly at one of the lines in the movie. They settle into a comfortable silence and let the dialogue and music of the movie fill the air. Shuichi sighs and smiles up at him. “You know, I’ve missed this. I...I missed you.”
Gonta’s heart skips a beat. “Gonta missed you too.”
*****
Flowers, as it turns out, are quite expensive.
It’s been a few weeks since their reconciliation now, and Gonta really wants to try telling Shuichi how he feels. Things have been really good lately! He always sees gentlemen confess with flowers in the movies, so naturally, he should too, right? The hefty price tag attached to the rather large bouquet of roses he’s currently carrying back to their apartment had nearly deterred him for a moment, but Shuichi is worth every cent. He knocks on their door, checking his watch to make sure he hadn’t come too early. Shuichi should be home from work by now, and he’ll hopefully be very pleasantly surprised when he opens the door. There’s a muffled shout of “Coming!” from inside, then footsteps.
The door is thrown open to reveal Shuichi, who happens to be quite dressed up. “Hey! Are you ready to—oh hi, Gonta, did you forget your keys?” he asks, tilting his head. Gonta blinks vacantly at him and shakes his head. Shuichi spots the flowers in his hands. “Ooh, those are really pretty! Who are they for?”
“You,” Gonta says, rather stupidly he supposes, and he holds them out to Shuichi, barely avoiding hitting the poor guy in the face.
“Cool, thanks! But you didn’t have to do something like that just for me,” he chuckles, heading inside. Gonta follows and watches him place them carefully on the kitchen counter. He looks like he’s headed for the cupboard when there’s a call of his name from the front door. Gonta’s heart drops when Shuichi high-tails it to the man standing in the doorway and greets him with a kiss. His horror increases when he realizes this guy brought Shuichi flowers too. “Oh, they’re beautiful! Stay right here, I’m gonna go put them in a vase.”
Sure enough, he does. Gonta’s roses are still on the kitchen counter when the two of them leave.
He sighs and picks up a rose, twirling it between two fingers. He should have said something. At least maybe then it’d be roses in the only vase they own and not tiger lilies. Gonta moves into the living room and settles into the crease of the couch cushions, not bothering with posture. Frowning, he brings the rose up to eye level.
“This is stupid...Gonta so stupid,” he mutters as he watches the little red petals flutter. Gonta’s wallowing, he’s painfully aware of it, but he can’t really help it. He’s probably already lost any chance he might have had.
The vivid memory of Shuichi leaning on him while they watched that detective movie makes his heart flutter, and he sighs. Gonta knows he shouldn’t be this upset. Shuichi deserves someone good. Someone…. Someone better than you, his mind unhelpfully supplies, and Gonta leans forward, letting his thoughts take over as he stares at the little rose for far too long.
Laughing sadly, he realizes how ridiculous the idea of him staring so intensely at a half-dead rose is.
Evidently, he’s still moping on the couch when Shuichi’s date is over, because he’s snapped out of his thoughts by a soft call of his name. Gonta looks up, and Shuichi is positively glowing, though the concerned look on his face does put a damper on it. Gonta hates knowing he’s the cause of Shuichi’s worry. “Everything alright? You’re never up this late,” Shuichi notes lightly, sitting in the spot next to him. Gonta doesn’t respond—he’s not really sure how to—and just glares back down at the rose. “Gonta? Do you wanna talk about it?”
His voice leaves his mouth without his permission. “Do you think anyone could ever love Gonta?” he asks, cringing internally at how blunt it sounds.
Shuichi looks slightly taken off-guard, but he beams. “Of course! You’re a catch, any girl would be lucky to have you.” Gonta’s sure the words are meant to be comforting, but they only serve to send another wave of nerves through him.
“What if...what if Gonta doesn’t want a girl to want him,” he says rather timidly, avoiding Shuichi’s eyes.
“O-Oh, well then...um...I’m sure any guy out there would be just as lucky,” Shuichi offers, and he looks a bit lost for words at Gonta’s admission.
Gonta’s grip on the rose tightens as his eyes squeeze shut. “No, that not…” he trails off, frustrated. He doesn’t know how to do this; he’s never done it before, and the scariness attached to it being Shuichi doesn’t help any.
“Gonta?” he asks softly. There’s a much smaller hand on his now, and Gonta does his best to ignore the way his stomach flips. “You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”
But he does want to. “Do you think... you could ever want m-me?” Gonta asks, and he finally takes a good look at Shuichi.
The detective’s face is red, his eyes wide. It doesn’t look very promising. “I—wh—Gonta what are you—”
“Gonta very tired,” he cuts in quickly, eyes burning. He doesn’t want to cry tonight, not in front of Shuichi anyway. He gets up and starts heading towards the hallway. “Sorry. Gonta gonna head to bed now. Goodnight.”
Shuichi follows quickly after him. “Wait, I-I don’t understand,” he says, and his voice is shaky.
Gonta pauses to turn towards Shuichi. “Please, just forget it, okay?” His voice is soft. Weak. Exactly what he feels.
Shuichi doesn’t stop him from locking himself in his room until morning.
Neither of them get much sleep, and it’s very evident when he enters the kitchen to hopefully grab something and head out before Shuichi gets up. Unfortunately, the man in question is standing in front of the stove, and a creaky floorboard gives Gonta away as he’s trying to sneak out.
Beaming, Shuichi hurries to greet him. “Hey, Gonta! I made blueberry pancakes. Your favorite,” he says tentatively, and while Gonta appreciates the gesture of trying to make him feel better, all it does is make him feel worse.
The apprehension must show on Gonta’s face, because Shuichi’s smile falls just a bit. “Gonta not very hungry this morning,” he mumbles, sliding past Shuichi and grabbing his coat.
“I got fresh strawberries too,” Shuichi adds. “I can even do the little smiley face with whipped cream if you want!”
Gonta shakes his head. He wants out. His bugs can take his mind of his feelings, and at least in the safe space of his lab he can be around what he loves without this unbearable aching in his chest. “Thank you, but Gonta really just...not hungry,” he sighs. “See you later, Shuichi.”
The door closes behind him, and ten minutes later, a stack of heart-shaped pancakes is slid into the trash can. Shuichi’s never really liked blueberry pancakes anyway.
When Gonta gets home, he’s hoping to slip into his room without much fuss, but it’s clear that Shuichi is less of the ignore-the-problem type and more of the get-it-painfully-out-in-the-open type. He’s greeted with the DVD case of a bug documentary and Shuichi’s hopeful grin.
“What d’you think? I’m feeling like a movie tonight,” he chirps, and Gonta’s shoulders hunch up defensively. “Of course, if you’d prefer something else, we can watch that, but I know this one is your favorite.”
Gonta hesitates. “Um, Gonta not really wanna see a movie right now,” he says. Shuichi tries his best to hide his pout, but Gonta catches it anyway. He panics. “I-If Shuichi wanna watch some of Gonta’s bug movies, you can, though!”
“They’re no fun when I’m not watching them with you, though. Just one, a-and we don’t have to talk about anything but bugs,” Shuichi pleads.
After a moment of debating his options, Gonta nods. Shuichi’s entire face lights up, and he practically drags Gonta over to the couch, where Gonta very obviously sits on the opposite end as him. Shuichi sighs, but thankfully doesn’t mention it. The narrator of the documentary’s calm voice does help soothe some of Gonta’s anxiety, but Shuichi moving a bit closer every so often does the opposite. He closes his eyes as Shuichi’s leg bumps his and tries to ignore the bloom of joy in his chest when Shuichi’s head finds a resting place on his shoulder.
They sit in silence, both stock-still for very different reasons. “Malaysian katydids can die when their mates do,” he adds as the narrator talks about the little dance the insect is doing. “Very sad, but very sweet.”
Shuichi looks up at him. “Have any of your katydids died like that?” he asks quietly. Gonta shakes his head. “Good, that...that probably wouldn’t be a very fun day at work, having to watch something die from a broken heart.”
Gonta pales. “No, not fun at all,” he agrees.
“Good thing that can’t happen to us,” Shuichi whispers, and Gonta’s fairly certain he’s talking to himself. Though it does hurt a little to think it feels like it and have to carry on like it doesn’t. “Hey, Gonta? What’s your favorite bug?”
“Swallowtail butterfly,” he says easily, but he leaves out the fact it’s only his favorite bug because the one he has in his lab is the exact shade of Shuichi’s eyes.
“I like ladybugs. They’re supposed to be lucky for romance, you know,” Shuichi tells him as one comes on screen. Funny, Gonta has an entire tank of them that would prove that theory wrong. “Shame they don’t work for me. One landed on me on my date yesterday, but I ended up coming home early ’cuz it was pretty obvious I had my mind on another guy.”
Okay, now that’s just mean. “Oh,” is all he says, because what is he supposed to say in response to that? “Sorry to hear that.”
Shuichi giggles, and Gonta’s starting to wonder whether his roommate has somehow been replaced with Kokichi. “Are you? I figured that’d be a good thing,” he hums. “I mean, since...you know…”
Gonta gets up. That’s it, he can’t handle this. He thought he could, really, he did, but Shuichi said they’d only talk about bugs and they’ve clearly strayed from that topic. “Maybe this...not such a good idea,” Gonta sighs. “Goodnight, Shuichi.”
Nothing but a sad sigh follows him as he locks himself in his room for the second night in a row.
This time, however, his restless sleep is interrupted by a knock at his bedroom door at around two in the morning. Rubbing the exhaustion away from his face as best as he can, he clambers out of bed and opens the door. He hadn’t bothered with his glasses, so he’s met with the very blurry form of Shuichi looking up at him.
“The heating in my room stopped working,” he says, and he’s never been a very good liar, “can I stay with you?”
How’s he supposed to say no to that...vaguely face-shaped blob of color? He steps aside to let Shuichi in, and he closes the door. Gonta doesn’t even care about the implications of the situation they’re in, he’s just so drained. He slips back into bed and turns to the wall. There’s barely an impression in the mattress when Shuichi joins him, but the feeling of a hand gingerly coming to rest on his waist leaves an imprint on Gonta that he doubts will be leaving anytime soon.
Judging by the soft snoring coming from behind him, Shuichi’s already fallen asleep. In a rare moment of self-indulgence, Gonta turns back to face him. There’s bags under Shuichi’s eyes, and he’s unusually pale. He looks every bit as tired as Gonta feels. Shuichi’s nose twitches when a lock of dark hair falls across his face, and Gonta sweeps it out of the way, glad at least one of them is going to wake up refreshed. Come to think of it, his eyes are feeling kinda heavy, and Shuichi makes the bed a lot warmer than it usually is…
When he wakes up, it’s to a tray full of food on his bedside table alongside Shuichi’s sunny expression. He jams his glasses on his face—he’s never been a morning person, much to his own disappointment—and looks up at Shuichi with the most perplexed expression he thinks he’s ever had. “Shuichi? Whuh…?”
It’s so early that he can’t even form words correctly, and here Shuichi is, fully dressed with an entire tray of breakfast prepared. “I figured I’d get up a little early and make you a thank you breakfast. For letting me stay with you last night,” he says, cheeks a little pink.
Gonta would normally protest and feel a bit bad for not having anything prepared in return, but his empty stomach makes no room for argument. “Thank you,” is what he says instead, sitting up. Shuichi sets the tray in his lap and grins at him. Gonta’s cheeks go a bit pink when he notices there’s cut-up strawberries in the shape of hearts. He goes to take a bite of the toast when his gaze lands on his clock and his eyes go wide. “Oh, Gonta gonna be late!”
“It’s Sunday,” Shuichi reminds him with a slight chuckle, and Gonta lets out a relieved sigh. “Are you always this scatterbrained in the morning? How have I never noticed?”
“Sometimes Gonta’s shirts will be backwards first time around. Gonta not very good with getting up early,” he admits, glad the atmosphere is light again. He glances down at the plate, then back up at Shuichi. “Gonta can’t eat all this...you wanna share?”
Shuichi’s breath hitches as Gonta scoots over, careful not to spill anything, and pats the spot on the bed beside him. “Y-Yeah, okay,” he says, taking a strawberry and popping it into his mouth. He closes his eyes and hums. Laughing quietly, Gonta starts eating. He’s glad they’re doing this. Even if Shuichi doesn’t like him the same way, they’re still friends, and Gonta really does cherish these moments. “You know, I was thinking we could go grab dinner later.”
“Oh, where you wanna go?” Gonta asks. He doesn’t want to admit it, but the thought of something like that makes him nervous. Gonta would rather not misinterpret anything, and he’d hate to—
“Somewhere super fancy. A date should be really nice, right?”
A what?
Is he just using this as an opportunity to scope out places for future dates?
Gonta nearly chokes on his toast. “S-Sorry?” He kind of can’t believe what he’s hearing, though Shuichi’s dopey grin and flushed skin are telling him this isn’t a dream. At least, he doesn’t think it’s a dream.
Turning to face him, Shuichi beams. “Plus, I’ve gotta find some way to pay you back for those roses. They’re really pretty, you know,” he tells him. “Red’s my favorite color.”
That catches Gonta’s attention. “Really? But Gonta thought it was—”
Shuichi cuts him off by taking hold of his face with both hands. He taps Gonta’s temples with his thumbs. “Nope. Red. There’s a certain guy I like who has the prettiest red eyes on the planet,” he muses.
Gonta pouts. “W-Well, Gonta’s eyes red too! Red eyes not special,” he huffs, and Shuichi just laughs. “What? Why you laughing?”
“You’re terrible with subtext,” Shuichi says fondly before gently moving Gonta’s face closer and pressing their lips together.
Eyes fluttering shut, Gonta leans into the embrace. He takes hold of Shuichi’s waist, but something scalding hot on his legs makes him jump away with a shout. Evidently, he’d bumped the coffee with his elbow and sent it across the bedspread. He hurries to stand, and Shuichi quickly joins him, a hand over his mouth in either shock or suppressed laughter; Gonta honestly can’t tell which.
With a pout, Gonta takes the tray off the bed and sets it aside before gathering up the ruined bedspread. “Coffee gonna take forever to get out,” he grumbles, though he’s quickly distracted by Shuichi’s arms gingerly wrapping around his waist.
At Gonta’s clear surprise, Shuichi grins. “You’re cute when you’re grumpy,” he says as though that’s not going to make Gonta go even more red than he had been just before. He buries his face in his hands and mumbles a protest, making Shuichi laugh. “That just makes it even better.”
Gonta’s face is matching the strawberries again—well, maybe not now that they’ve been doused in coffee—so he decides to try and turn the tables. “O-Oh yeah? Well, Gonta think Shuichi way cuter! Shuichi even cuter than caterpillars!” He crosses his arms over his chest triumphantly when Shuichi goes just as red, though his victory is fairly short-lived when Shuichi pulls him into another kiss. They pull apart, and Gonta finds he doesn’t mind being flustered if it comes after something so wonderful. “So...no more dates?”
Shuichi rolls his eyes affectionately and shakes his head. “No more dates,” he says. He looks thoughtful for a moment. “So all that time, you were just jealous?”
“Ah, um...yes but—! Gonta have no problem with Shuichi kissing boys as long as the boy Shuichi is kissing is Gonta!”
The kisses he gets from then on are very much worth all the trouble it took to get to them.