Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“I don’t wanna be sad forever, I don’t wanna go one more day. I just wanna wake up and realize everything’s gonna be okay.”     — Lauv, from the song, “Sad Forever.”

“I had a friend.” Rachel starts, fidgeting nervously with her fingers as Lance and Allison listened attentively to her story. Hunk, guilty that he has to listen to his best friend’s past, wanted more than nothing to go away because he knows that this conversation is private. He knows that Lance wouldn’t keep his past a secret from them—from him—if there was something that happened that he just doesn’t want them to know.

Hunk wonders, is this is it?

“He and I were close. Out of everyone in the friend group, he’s the one who I was closest to the most. We’d sneak conversations during classes, whisper stories in the library, and even stay until after school to talk about nothing. It was… really nice to have a friend like him.” Rachel smiles ruefully, possibly because the memories of her and her friend are playing in her mind. “He’s good at technology too, but not so much at everything else. We help each other out at our weak points.”

“Did he...” Lance whispered. “Did he do something to you?”

Rachel lets out a shaky breath. “Yeah.”

Hunk was starting to feel anxious of where Rachel’s story was going. After all, something lead her to commit suicide, and even though he’s infinitely guilty for having to listen to this, he’s also curious of what lead her to make such a decision.

Ending your life… Hunk shakes his head, that’s not an easy thing to do.

“But then came a time where he tentatively came to me for his problems. I accepted, of course, because he was my friend. And it was all good.” Rachel sighs and hesitantly meets Lance’s eyes. “But then, he became… too much. He came to me for every problem that he had, and I always had to advise him to do something even though I don’t know what to do. It became a burden whenever I would wake up at the middle of the night just to respond to his calls or texts. Sometimes, I even hid from him in the halls just so we wouldn’t talk. It was wrong, I-I know, but I just wanted a breather without telling him or hurting him.” She scratches the back of her neck, exhaustion rolling off her in waves. “He’s a really good friend of mine, but his personality can be suffocating at times.”

Hunk has a bad feeling of where this story was going.

Lance and Allison glanced at each other, worry in their gazes. Hunk looks down and noticed that Lance’s hand was balled into a fist, shaking so hard that Hunk thinks Lance might punch someone.

Allison places her hand on top of his, and Lance eased a little.

“But no matter what I did to avoid him, he would always find me.” Rachel’s lower lip trembled, but she continued talking, her tone steadily shaking. “I even blocked his number once. But then his number would change and then he’d kept texting me with different phone numbers. I know that I had to confront him about it, and I did! I-I approached him gently and told him about what bothered me but said I still wanted to be friends.” Rachel’s eyes furrowed, and she started to close in on herself. “But then… he started to say some things…”

Lance tensed up and leaned closer. “What did he say?”

Hunk was surprised by the tone of his friend’s voice. It was eerily serious, so was his expression, and he had never heard him talk like that before. No matter how serious the situation was, he never used this tone. Years of hanging out and studying in the Garrison, almost three years of being in space and being the defenders of the galaxy—Hunk never heard him talk to anyone like this. 

It just goes to show how much he cares for his family.

“He was saying that I was his friend, and the least I could do was listen.” Rachel says nervously. “He said more things that made me feel bad, that’s why I just let him do what he wants.”

“Oh, Rachel.” Allison says, moving closer and placing a reassuring hand on her back. Rachel tensed at the intimacy, but then leaned into Allison’s touch.

“I thought he was right.” Rachel whispers. “That the least I could do was listen. So I did. Even though it was ruining my mood. Even though every action he made, he accused me of pushing him to do it. Even though I felt trapped, s-suffocated, and tired every time I’m with him. He’s… the relationship we had wasn’t friendship anymore. It became more of a… therapist and a patient relationship.”

“He’s abusing you.” Lance stated. Rachel whimpered while Allison gave him a glare. “Lance!”

“What?” Lance fumed, his eyebrows knitted in anger, the scowl permanently etched on his lips. “It’s true! If he was a good friend, he would’ve listened to Rachel’s words and change! But he didn’t! Instead, he guilt-tripped her to stay with him and is using her for his own personal gain! That’s not something a friend would do, unless he’s an abuser!”

“Still.” Allison growls. “Your sister is being open here and she’s hesitant, don’t respond to that with wrath and ire. It’s not helping.”

Lance’s shoulders slumped, and his face finally showed an expression that he’s been hiding for so long; exhaustion. Upon closer inspection, Hunk finally noticed things about Lance he hasn’t seen before. Bags were under his eyes, his face looked worn down, his hair was a mess, and his body was slumped over. Everything about him was contrasting to the Lance he knows; the one who never had eye bags, whose face was always moisturized, who sometimes even looked younger than the eighteen year-old he is.

Now, though? He actually looked older than the fifteen year-old that he was, and it’s making Hunk think of the present Lance today.

Hunk knows that Lance gets tired, even under the bravado and playful mask he has to uphold. After a tough mission where they get nothing done, everyone deals with their exhaustion and anger in different ways. He knows that Keith goes to the training room to let off some steam. He knows that Shiro stays with Black, because something about her presence calms him down. He knows that Pidge goes back to her room to work on her trinkets or gadgets to get her mind off the failed mission. Hunk, of course, goes to the kitchen to cook ‘till he’s tired or work on repairs with Yellow. Lance, after a mission, would always… he would… always...

—he—

Hunk furrows his eyebrows. What… what does Lance do after a tough mission?

He tries to think, tries to rattle up his brain for some sort of memory or explanation, but he’s coming up with nothing. What… Hunk swallows. Is this how distant they’ve become? That Hunk doesn’t even pay attention to his best friend’s actions anymore?

do you want to find out?

Hunk jumps at the voice that appears in his head. Hunk blinks repeatedly when his surroundings started fading to black as the floor slowly falls apart. Hunk yelps as he jumped to one floorboard to another, trying not to fall to the deep and dark abyss below.

What the hell is happening?!

God, no, oh no, this is scary. Hunk looks up at Lance, but then jumped in surprise when he saw the three of them looking at him. Lance and Rachel’s icy blue eyes were shooting daggers at him, while Allison’s forest green eyes looked at him with curiosity.

do you really want to find out what lancey-lance does in his free time?

What the heck. What the heck what the heck what the–

what he does for you? for keith, for the others?

Hunk screams when the floorboard he was standing on disappeared and he started falling—falling to endless black as their eyes burned to the back of his mind.

What’s happening?

Who is speaking to him?

Why is this happening?!

this is all happening because you asked. and for your question, you shall get an answer.

Lance, Rachel, and Allison’s eyes were shining brightly, so bright that their eyes were the only colors he could see.

Blue.

Green.

Blue.

Green.

They burned as Hunk closed his own eyes and succumbed to oblivion.

nope.

they’re not here.

they’re not here, they’re not here, they’re not here.

lance refuses to believe that they’re here.

lance refuses to believe that there are four colors in his mind that are scattered in his memories; almost like they were all divided to conquer everything he had to live through.

lance refuses to believe that there are four colors in his mind who are peeking through his memories without his permission, without consideration of what he feels about it.

lance refuses to believe that. refuses it profusely.

they’re not here.

they’re not here.

Seriously. 

This must be payback for all the times he’s done everyone wrong. Keith being stuck in the memories of the person who he likes is probably because he always used to rebel against Shiro and tell Adam on him when he was younger. Or maybe it’s because Hunk found out that he and Lance stole his secret stash of candy goo and ate them all. Or maybe it’s because of the time when Lance forced him to help him hide all of Pidge’s technology until she takes a shower. Or probably that other time when Lance roped him into stealing Allura’s dresses so they can have a makeshift fashion show in the common room. 

Or is it because the universe thinks it’s funny to make him realize these feelings while being stuck in the head of his teammate and having no way out? Oh and not to mention the fact that he doesn’t know where said teammate is or where his other teammates are in this place. 

So, great. This is just great. Keith is having a spectacular time. 

Just why, why does this have to happen to him? Initially, he just wanted to relax today. There were no missions and nothing impending that they have to do, so it was a good day to just lay back and relax (yes, Keith actually wanted to relax today. He should really stay away from Lance nowadays; his lazy-ass tendencies is infecting Keith to not do any training at all). Keith just wanted to slip into something comfortable, maybe go to the pool, maybe also get to see Lance swimming there because he said that he used to do it all the time at home—

On second thought, maybe staying in Lance’s memories is better than making a fool out of himself at the pool. 

Keith blinks rapidly when his surroundings start to shift. He realizes that he’s in another dim-lighted place and the people here are just as many as the previous memory. But unlike before, he was in the front of the crowd, just before the stage. He turns to his side and there’s Lance; standing with his hands shoved in his pockets, looking at the stage with a neutral expression on his face. 

Keith turns his attention to the center of the stage and he realizes that Allison was there, giving the crowd a huge grin with a lively wave of her hand. “Hello everyone! How are you all doing today?”

The crowd cheered and Allison grinned even wider. “I guess everyone is well in this fine evening! I’m glad to hear that!” She takes the microphone out of the stand and starts walking around the stage, twirling a strand of her hair with her finger. “So, I’m here on stage today because I made a bet with someone. If I sing and he isn’t impressed, then I’ll leave him alone. Buuut if I sing and he is impressed with my singing, then we’ll get to do a duet together! Isn’t that a nice challenge?”

Keith sees Lance roll his eyes as the crowd cheered even more at her declarations. 

“You’ll definitely win that bet!”

“Dump him instead!”

“Go girl! We believe in you!”

“Thank you all for your wonderful support and comments!” Allison smiles and bows. She then locks her eyes with Lance, whose neutral expression turned to one of amusement, his lips tilted upwards in what Keith supposes to be a smirk. His eyebrows were also raised, and he mouths, “You’ll lose.” 

Allison just gives him one of her own smirks back, mouthing, “Be amazed.” 

Allison stands back up at her full height, looking at the band behind her and giving them a thumbs-up and a smile. She looks ahead yet again, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath. Lance crosses his arms and continues to look at Allison with an open gaze, his lips still in that small smirk. She opens her eyes and winks at him as she starts to sing. 

“Another head hangs lowly

Child is slowly taken

And the violence caused such silence

Who are we mistaken.”

Lance’s eyes widened and Keith finally recognized a song. 

From Lance’s past performances, Keith’s never really heard of the songs that he sang before. But can you blame him? He lives in the desert and he only had his father and the knife he gave him growing up. He doesn’t know the songs Lance knows, he doesn’t know any of the latest trends and whatnot, heck, he doesn’t even know what “pop culture” means. 

But there are songs that Keith knows: old songs. 

When he was a kid, his father used to have a small radio that he’d keep on all day. There was only one station in it and it was famous for only playing old songs. Growing up, he used to listen to Leaving on a Jet Plane, Close to You, Fly Me to the Moon, Mr Lonely, and etc. It was those same old songs everyday, and even after his father died, he still kept that small radio and continued to listen to those songs until the radio stopped playing because of old age. 

“But you see it’s not me

It’s not my family

In your head, in your head

They are fighting

With their tanks and their bombs

And their bombs and their guns

In your head, in your head

They are cryin’.”

Keith hums along to the song, watching as Allison places the mic back in its stand, holding the middle of the pole as she closes her eyes, fully indulging herself in the song.

“In your head, in your head

Zombie, zombie, zombie, hey, hey

What’s in your head, in your head

Zombie, zombie, zombie, hey, hey, hey, oh.”

Her voice was… how does Keith describe it? It was different from Lance’s, but Allison’s voice was much more harsh with emotion. Every line was filled with such intensity and power and forcefulness of each word. It was a hella lot different from how Lance usually sings, but it wasn’t that bad either. 

“Another mother’s breakin’

Heart is taking over

When the violence causes silence

We must be mistaken

It’s the same old theme

Since nineteen-sixteen

In your head, in your head

They’re still fightin’.”

It was getting loud because of the cheers and the crowd singing along to the song. Strangely, Keith doesn’t mind at all. Something in Lance’s childhood reminded Keith of his own childhood, back when life was simple; his father humming along to the radio while teaching Keith to sharpen his knife, his father telling him stories of how his mother used to love those old songs like him, his father telling him that at some point in his life, he’ll get all the answers to the questions that he’s unable to answer. 

Though bittersweet, it’s still one of the good memories he’s ever had of his dad. He doesn’t have much and that’s why he keeps it all deep in his heart. 

Keith glances beside him, looking at what Lance’s expression could be at watching Allison perform. And… wow.

Lance’s eyes were wide with surprise, strangely delicate and vastly clear and reflecting the lights coming from all directions in the ceiling. Purple, red, green, yellow—colors that twinkled in awe and bewilderment along with the blue hue in his eyes, mixing in different shades and brilliancy, showing off how vivid and expressive his eyes were. His mouth was slightly agape, emphasizing just how surprised he is about Allison’s performance. 

It reminds Keith of the time he and Lance explored this one particularly hot planet. It was really, really hot and they were both sweating in their armors as they walked through stalls and merchants offering them weird potions and knickknacks. For some reason, even though it was burning there, Keith wasn’t even irritated because Lance was by his side and he wasn’t bothered at all by the heat. Even when he’s sweating, Lance was looking around the stalls with a big smile on his lips and oh god his eyes. 

Keith didn’t really pay attention to whatever Lance was saying because he was too distracted by his eyes. Through the heat-induced haze, Keith could only focus on the way Lance’s eyes seemed to sparkle in the brightness, how his eyes were shining with a coruscating glow that was too inexplicable to name. His eyes were something so otherworldly, so ethereal—and it was so easy to get lost in the softness of his sky, and to drown in the ocean of his pupils. So, so easy. 

He was just so… blue.

Keith has seen the sky; he’s lived in a goddamn desert, whenever he has nothing else to do other than make up conspiracy theories, he would just stare at clouds and the sky until it turns dark. 

Keith has seen Lance’s eyes; he’s seen him in the Garrison, been teammates with him for almost three years, maybe liked him for even longer, of course there were instances that Keith has looked at Lance’s eyes a tad bit longer than necessary. 

Keith has seen the sky, and he’s seen Lance’s eyes—and Keith apologizes to whatever deity out there created the sky because not even the full scintillating glare of the sun’s rays can even compare to the gleam of exquisiteness he finds in Lance’s eyes. 

Shit.

Keith gulps and looks away from him, a flush coming up his cheeks. Seriously. Fuck his life. 

He’s even more gayer than he was before he arrived in Lance’s memories.

“With their tanks and their bombs

And their bombs and their guns

In your head, in your head

They are dyin’

In your head, in your head

Zombie, zombie, zombie, hey, hey

What’s in your head, in your head

Zombie, zombie, zombie, hey, hey, hey.”

As the song finishes with a strong guitar flourish, there was a calm quietness that descended upon the room. It seemed like everyone was holding their breaths, including Keith, waiting for something to happen. 

Keith then realizes that everyone was looking at Lance, probably awaiting what his reply would be. 

Unlike earlier, Lance’s expression was unreadable now. And even though Keith can read the current Lance perfectly, young Lance is someone whose poker face is spot on. Kinda cool, but also frustrating how much Keith can’t read the younger version of the person he likes Lance.

Allison walks towards the edge of the stage, kneeling down just in front of Lance. She had a small, hopeful smile on her face, a tiny tint of fear in her eyes. “So, what do you think?”

Silence.

Lance shakes his head, an actual smile forming on his lips. Keith’s breath was taken away by the gentle expression on his face. Lance takes his hands out from his pockets and he starts clapping. “Consider me impressed, Allison.”

Allison’s eyes started to shine, her smile growing bigger. “Say it.”

Lance rolled his eyes, but he didn’t look annoyed. He looked… happy. “I would love to have a duet with you, Allison.”

The memory starts to fade away as the resounding cheers filled Keith’s eardrums once more. The last thing he saw before he fades along with the memory is the clasp of a handshake that Allison and Lance shared; a smile full of emotion on Allison’s face, and a twinkle unlike any star Keith has ever seen before in his life in Lance’s eyes. 

how dare they? 

how dare they even look in his memories? 

lance has always been there for them, always comforted them and reassured them whenever they’d become sad. he would talk to them, he would listen to them, and give them the right advice for whatever they’re feeling. 

he was always there for them.

there wasn’t a time where he wasn’t there for any of them. 

and now, how they pay him back is by invading his privacy? 

do they think that he’s some kind of joke? that oh, since he’s not there to stop them, that they can do whatever they want? 

do they even care about him? 

... fuck them. 

because how fucking dare they. 

they’re probably laughing at him right now. taunting him of his misery, making fun of his inability to stop them, probably smirking as they watch memory after memory after every. fucking. memory . 

yellow.

green. 

pink. 

red. 

four fucking blurs.

divided. 

trespassing. 

taking over. 

intruding. 

... hurting him.

“If you do that, the systems will fail and the team will be stuck there forever.”

“Okay, how about this—”

“Cutting the wires is dangerous for the Blue Paladin and can cause him to lose his memories.”

“Then this would do—”

“Doing so would affect their unconscious bodies and will lead them to wander in the Blue Paladin’s memories forever.”

“Ugh... this seems—”

“Like a dangerous idea? Agreed. If you even try to flip a switch on the mind-melds, that person’s consciousness will not return to the proper owner and thus, be trapped inside the Blue Paladin’s head.”

“… how ab—”

“If you’re thinking of altering the wires or even unplugging them, it would shut down everyone’s minds and they will never awaken again.”

“Gah!” Shiro yells in exasperation as he turns to Slav. “Can you shut up for just two seconds?!”

“Technically, no, because you have requested my assistance for the Paladins so I cannot just shut my mouth since you need it to help you—”

Shiro groans and he desperately wants to hit his own head with a hammer.

“I’m back!”

Coran enters the room and places a box of tools on the floor. “How’s the operation going?” He asks in a tone that was strangely joyous even when their teammates are unconscious and could potentially not come back from the mind-melds.

Is Shiro literally the only one panicking about this?!

“Just great.” Shiro mutters as he tries his best to calm his breathing, or rather—to calm his desire to choke a certain alien beside him.

“This is all going as planned!” Slav says as he strokes his mouth—beak?—in a way he usually does before he goes on to ramble about the realities. “In seventy thousand realities, the Black Paladin here would’ve pushed me inside a pod to space!”

“I’m not the Black Paladin anymore, that’s Keith.” Shiro says with a tight smile. “And if you keep talking, this reality might be closer to one of those realities than you think.”

Slav yelped and jumped in Coran’s arms, who was shaking his head at him. “Your dislike for Slav is astounding, number one, but he is our assistance and our guest, so if you would be kind as to not think about projecting him into space, maybe we could find something about this bug that would help dissect it from the mind-melds.”

I’m trying, Coran, Shiro struggles not to shout as he closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. But if I hear another babble about the realities one more time—

“Thank you.” Slav nods at Coran as he slithers away from his arms and stands up on the ground again. “Normally, around this time, the Black Paladin would have activated his arm and brandished it at me—”

“I’m gonna go take a walk.” Shiro says abruptly as he stands up. As much as he doesn’t want to leave Keith or his other team members in the hands of Slav, he’s just had enough talk about the realities today. He left the room just in time before Slav could overshare everything about the multiple realities in his head again.

He runs a hand down his face as he walks inside the common room, going ahead and standing close to the big windows. He looks at the black void, at the twinkling stars, trying to find some sort of peace in this whole junk of a mess.

He can’t.

Shiro groans and turns around, pressing his back on the glass pane before sliding down and then sitting hopelessly on the floor.

Fucking hell.

Shiro drags a hand down his face as he thinks of a reason why this had to happen to them. Things were going so well, so far so good. There were no missions, no impending threat (well, of course, other than Lotor), and no planets that needed saving yet. It was a perfect day to have a normal team bonding exercise without having anything else to worry about. He thought it would last for an hour, tops, but here he is—six hours later and they still haven’t figured out how to even deal with the bug inside of the mind-melds, or more specifically, Lance’s memories.

Shiro shuts his eyes when he remembers what happened earlier—Pidge was retelling an embarrassing memory about Matt (that Shiro was there for, by the way) when they were younger and about how he apparently did not know what public indecency means. It was a fun trip to the police station that Shiro, unfortunately, got involved in. The moment their parents arrived, ooh boy. Sam Holt was cool about it, but their mothers? Not so much.

Colleen Holt grounded Matt for three months and with no allowance after giving him an earful of how reckless he is and how he should be setting an example for his sister. Even though Shiro is Japanese and did not particularly get grounded (he’s Asian, there’s no such thing as “grounded” in Asian culture), Shirogane Akane is scarier and deadlier than any grounding there is. Though she didn’t raise her voice, she recited his punishment in a steely tone that was not to be argued with while she made him kneel on the ground in front of the police station. Shiro was scared for his life while Pidge was just off in the background, recording his and Matt’s terrified reactions to being punished by their mothers, cackling evilly behind her camera.

Yeah, that story isn’t something that Shiro is the most proud of. For one thing, that was the time where he didn’t really know how to put his foot down yet, that’s why Matt used to persuade him to do all sorts of activities and “experiments” that always leads them both to trouble, and also a very peeing-in-their-pants experience when they realize that they have to face their mothers after.

(Shiro tries not to think how devastated his mother must be. He tries not to think how he left her alone; the only one left of their bloodline.)

(He tries to think that she must be spending her days with Colleen, but the bitter taste of them bonding together because of the disappearances of their children and family won’t leave his mouth.)

(How is his mother doing? How is Colleen doing?)

(Shiro really hopes they’re alright. He hopes Adam is taking care of them.)

(Oh God, Adam. Shiro can’t imagine the grief he must be feeling after he left.)

(Is he doing okay? Does he still think of him? Or did he… move on?)

(Shiro wouldn’t even blame him if he did.)

Anyway, Shiro digresses. Everyone was laughing along at the story except for one. Shiro remembers looking at Lance to see why he wasn’t laughing and saw him gazing at Pidge with soft eyes. It touched Shiro, in a way, to see Lance openly adore his team member like that, but then his eyes… shifted. Realization began to emerge on them and then they widened with horror. Shiro instantly knew something was wrong from the way Lance’s pupils blew wide with pure terror in his irises, his face going all pale and frozen. Shiro was just about to ask Lance why he was so terrified until a voice—not belonging to any of the Paladins or Alteans—had cut through all the laughter in the room.

“Come on Lance! Stop, please!”

The smiles and chuckles died down and everyone looked at Lance, confused and worried when they saw the dawning fear on his face. Even Shiro stopped himself from walking any further in case anything bad would happen.

Then, the holograms came.

At first, it was just from Lance’s mind-meld. A girl with brown skin and chestnut hair with piercing green eyes appeared in front of him. The girl’s features were delicately beautiful, but that wasn’t really what caught Shiro’s attention because what made him more curious was the concerned and panicked-like look on her face, desperation seeping through her eyes, making Shiro actually feel the hopelessness in them.

After a moment, Shiro realized that the audio came before the picture did, because it seemed like that the girl’s expression on the hologram was after she said those words. Before anyone else could speak up, the same voice spoke up again, but the pictures were—almost—in sync this time.

The first one was with the same girl, but this time, with widened eyes, her mouth agape, and a shocked expression as the girl pointed at the screen. “You’re Lance! McClain!”

The next one, the girl had a tempting smirk, wind blowing her hair, her face filled with self-assured confidence. “So, what’d you say Lance? Want to come with me?”

What flashed next were hard eyes and a dark sneer, words dripped in seriousness and a tone sharp enough to rival a knife. “You promised.”

After that was the loudest memory. There were a multitude of screams coming from all over the memory, fires and explosions can be heard in the background, and the girl was crying as she held her right shoulder, one that was covered in too much blood. Her face was scrunched up in pain, but it was also filled with a silent acceptance of whatever situation she was in. “I-I can’t fight anymore, Lance. I’m sorry.”

The last two words repeated once more, triggering the systems to beep loudly and causing the wires and the mind-melds the team were wearing to zap and bolt with currents of electricity, which made Coran and Shiro jump away from the controls and wires to avoid being affected or harmed by the bouts of power.

Holograms appeared from everywhere, the voices as well. Shiro had blocked his ears, flinching when the noises that appeared were incongruent with the holograms that showed up in every bit of space there is, impossible to even determine which memory the voices belonged to. Shiro yelped when his hand was zapped by electricity when he tried to reach out for Keith, who was holding his mind-meld with a baffled expression, his eyes running through multiple emotions like fear and worry. But not for himself, no—those emotions he held were for Lance.

“Lance!” He remembers Keith calling out, his gaze settled firmly on the Red Paladin. “What’s happening?!”

Everyone started talking at the same time, all of them sporting their own expressions of varying degrees of shock and alarm on their faces. He remembers shouting at them to calm down, but his voice was lost over the growing sounds that came from, he supposes, Lance’s memories. What happened next caused everyone to stop talking and to look at Lance once more.

He was screaming.

Lance, even in near-to-death missions that he had, well, near-to-death experiences in, never screamed. Nope. He would screech in over-exaggerated fright, have yelling matches with Keith, squeal with Hunk about an Altean series they pirated, shriek in terror when running away from Pidge after stealing her laptop so she can actually function as a proper human being and eat—Lance has done all types of shouting over the years they spent together, just not screaming, which is completely different. It meant this was serious, and from the way his voice gets louder and louder with every scream, it meant it was also painful.

And a painful scream coming from Lance, of all people, is not something Shiro imagined would happen, ever. Lance would actually rather suffer in silence than admit that he was in any sort of serious pain. Shiro can actually list every single time he’s done this, but then that would mean Shiro would have to write over six books, and that’s just because those are the things he can think of at the top of his head.

(The top of his list would be the time when Keith was still the Red Paladin and Lance was the Blue Paladin. It was a mission where the team were boarding refugees in their lions while Keith and Lance were covering for them. The moment Shiro gave them the signal that all the refugees were all safe and boarded, they immediately rushed to go back inside their lions.)

(But then, unexpectedly, Lance stopped and headed to where Keith was headed, which confused everyone. Lance jumped on Keith’s body and that resulted in both of them rolling around on the ground until they stopped; with Lance on top of Keith. And then, for some reason, Lance fell and his lips suddenly landed on Keith’s forehead, technically giving him a forehead kiss.)

(Keith started sputtering incoherently with wide eyes while Lance instantly pulled back with a horrified look on his face. Their cheeks were as red as Keith’s Paladin armor.)

(They went back to their lions quickly after that. But when they arrived back at the castle, they found Lance passed out on the floor on Blue, a big, bloody gash on his back that was seeping through his armor and leaking down the floor. Keith rushed towards him, all red cheeks gone, replaced with tears shining in his eyes and a very panicked tone as he shouted, “Lance!”)

(They soon realized that the reason Lance went to jump on Keith earlier was because he probably saw someone aiming at him, and the reason why he abruptly fell on him and gave him a forehead kiss is because he was the one that got shot instead.)

(See? He didn’t even scream when he was shot at the back. He said, “I did not mean that, I swear” to Keith more times than he told the team about being shot—which was zero.)

Shiro has seen fear plenty of times before. In the Gladiator Arena, he’s seen fear on Matt’s face, and that became the reason why Shiro decided to fight in the first place.

He’s seen fear on Hunk, many times. Every time he’d have a panic attack or even have the beginnings of one, Shiro would try to go over to comfort him, but Lance would always be there before he could. He’d calm him down pretty quickly, and Hunk would be back to his sunshine self with no signs that an anxiety attack even happened.

He’s seen worry and trepidation on Pidge more times than he can count, especially regarding her family. Her mom is alone on Earth and her father and brother are nowhere to be found—all those worries and thoughts just aren’t easy for a young teenager like her. He’d see her, sometimes, late at night, her knees close to her chest, sitting in front of the big windows as she stares off into space with her eyes filled with sadness and despair. And when Shiro thinks she’s alone, every time, Lance would be there; gently draping a blanket over her shoulders as he sits beside her. He never gets to hear what Lance tells her, but in the end, Pidge would always wrap her arms around him and Lance would do the same, a soft look on his face.

He’s seen Allura and Coran, though not that much, breakdown in heartbreaking ways about their fallen planet. It pains Shiro that he can’t do anything to comfort them of their lost homeland, but no matter what, Lance could always do it. He’d get Allura to talk about her favorite cousins and Coran to spew impromptu poetry about his husband. It was almost magic how openly they speak about Altea that wasn’t expressed in sadness or tears with Lance. In fact, once you get them to start, it was always hard to get them to stop. But by the look on Lance’s face whenever Shiro would pass by the common room, he can tell that Lance doesn’t mind their rambling and stories.

Lance, of course, also comforted Shiro whenever he’d have one of his PTS attacks. Sometimes, the flashbacks would be too much and even the presence of Black couldn’t calm him down. There was even a period of time when he didn’t even come out of the Black Lion for days. It was just… too hard. But then Lance came, with a tray of food goo and water, a tender smile on his face. He asked if he could stay, to which Shiro didn’t reply to. Even so, he still went inside the lion. He placed the tray on the ground in front of him and then quietly sat down beside him. Shiro doesn’t really remember the conversation, or what happened next, but Lance managed to convince Shiro to step out the Black Lion and take a shower. Shortly after, Shiro went to the common room and saw everyone there giving him bright grins before they surrounded him with a big group hug. He remembers seeing Lance at the corner of his eye, just looking from afar, watching over them with a small smile. Shiro mouthed him “Thank you” and a nostalgic look passed over his features. Before Shiro could even decipher what it means, Lance bowed his head and promptly left the room.

(What was that even about?)

And lastly, Keith. Lance and Keith have supported and challenged each other more times than they’ve ever challenged anyone else in the team. Though they were bitter and very hostile rivals at first, Shiro has always seen their potential to be something more—and he was right. With Keith in the Black Lion and Lance in the Red Lion, their bond and teamwork with one another grew stronger, sometimes as if they could read each other’s minds. It was almost scary how well they knew what move the other would make (everyone screamed when Lance once shot straight at the back of Keith’s head, but Keith ducked just in time and the sentry in front of him got shot instead), or how much time the other needed to make a plan (“Just give him three more minutes!” Lance shouted over the comms as he shot Galra after Galra, covering Keith’s back as he looked through the files of the computer. Everyone told them to retreat immediately, but after three minutes, Keith did think of a plan and they managed to escape safely).

As Shiro said, Keith and Lance know one another better than anyone else in the team. That includes battle plans, fighting styles, and of course, feelings. Shiro doesn’t know if anyone else has noticed, but he’d always catch a glimpse of Lance putting a hand on Keith’s shoulder whenever he’d become too hot-headed and Keith would calm down instantly. Shiro would also pass by the kitchen late at night and he’d sometimes see Lance and Keith sitting on the counter top; Lance’s head resting on Keith’s shoulder, Keith’s hands running softly through Lance’s hair, his voice even softer as he murmurs in Lance’s ear—probably comforting his homesickness.

(Shiro’s throat clogs ups when remembering that there used to be someone like that for him as well. Someone who never left his side, someone who supported his dreams, someone who loved him despite his disease and stubbornness to stand down.)

(Adam used to—still, is his everything. His world. His partner against the world.)

(He was there in every step of the way, every path, every choice and decision, every sacrifice they both had to make—there was nothing else as important as him in Shiro’s life.)

(Now?)

(Shiro doesn’t even know if Adam still loves him after he left him for the Kerberos mission.)

Keith and Lance know each other inside-out. Shiro wouldn’t even blame them if they matter more to one another than anyone else in the team.

Which is why, when Lance suddenly lets out an agonizing scream with actual tears glistening in his eyes, Shiro knows Keith wouldn’t be able to sit still. 

When Lance didn’t answer Keith’s question and continued to scream in pain, Keith looked like he was ready to throw away his mind-meld and head straight towards Lance to rid him of the hurt. As Keith reached out his hand to him, Lance’s eyes rolled to the back of his head and he fell down, unconscious. Everyone screamed his name once more before they, too, were knocked out cold on the ground—leaving Shiro and Coran to look over their motionless bodies with dumbfounded expressions on their faces.

Now, present time, almost six hours later nearing nighttime, they’re still no closer to solving what the bug is about or even how to extract it. It’s a problem that can’t be solved in under five minutes, or even just an hour. Even Slav is here to prove that this isn’t just a simple situation about a malfunction.

Shiro sighs and runs a hand through his hair. For once in his life, he’s not so sure what to do about this. Normally, he’d just know, or maybe Keith would, maybe even Allura or Pidge or Hunk. Heck, even Lance can handle this better than Shiro is currently doing.

Shiro doesn’t know how long he’s been gone, but it’s obviously a long time if his skills are getting rusty like this.

“Oh, number one! There you are!”

Shiro looks up and sees Coran walking over to him with a big smile on his face. His smile slowly falters the more he walks closer to him. “Number one? What seems to be the problem?”

Shiro shakes his head and looks away. “Nothing, Coran. I just want to be alone.”

“I’m afraid you don’t really have the luxury of being alone right now, with our current situation.” Coran says, as blunt as ever, but at least he sounded slightly apologetic. He sits down beside him. “So, if anything is bothering you, I will act as your confidant. What is wrong?”

Shiro sighs again. “Coran, really, it’s nothing—”

“It isn’t nothing if it makes you look, ah, what’s the term? Sad.”

(“Oh come on, Shiro. It isn’t nothing if you’re looking sad like that.” He hears Lance’s voice in his head; a remnant of a memory he’s trying to remember.)

“I’m just,” Shiro stops, hesitant. But he sees Coran’s open gaze, his helpful smile, and he decides that there’s no use in hiding anymore. “I don’t really feel like I’m helpful in these kinds of situations. I don’t think I can be useful when dealing with this bug thing.”

“What are you talking about, number one? Of course you are!”

“I can barely hold it together when I’m in the same room as Slav, I can’t offer any hypotheses or solutions like Pidge or Hunk, I can’t be calm like Lance and Allura, and I can’t even be a good leader right now. I just… I don’t even know if I’m still fit to be in Voltron.”

It’s the bitter truth that Shiro has to swallow.

Ever since he came back, there was no place for him anymore. Everything in the team shifted; from Allura to being a Paladin and Lance being in the Red Lion to Keith being the new Black Paladin. Everything was so different from the last time Shiro’s seen them.

Where does he even fit in to all of that?

He doesn’t want to take the leader role away from Keith, not when he’s actually being more than what he used to be. Not when he’s actually speaking up, being more assertive, and improving from the kid Shiro first saw him to be all those years ago. How could he even take that away from him? Why should he even try to take back his place when Keith is already doing his best to prove that he’s deserving of it?

Everything in the team shifted. Hunk is still the Yellow Paladin and Pidge is still the Green Paladin. But now, Allura is the one piloting the Blue Lion and Keith is the leader and Lance is his right-hand man.

Where does Shiro even piece in?

“Hmm. You make a good point, number one.” Coran says thoughtfully. “But remember, the Black Lion first chose you, not number four.”

“I know that, Coran, but—”

“You’re forgetting how much number five relies on you and how much she relies on your stories of her brother and father so she can keep fighting. Do you not remember?”

Shiro doesn’t reply.

Coran clears his throat and continues. “Number two even asks you to be his taste subject for every new concoction he makes, but I know deep down it’s because he finds comfort in your calm presence.”

“Coran—”

“The Princess may not look like it, but she’s not much younger than you are. She’s glad that she has found someone near her age in this fight, because the burden she’s carrying would not feel as heavy anymore with you by her side.”

“That’s—”

“Lance idolizes you, but he also sees you as a friend. He’s doing his best to earn your validation and praise, but he’s doing his part to treat you like an equal.”

“I—”

“And out of everyone, I know that number four matters to you the most. I know that the two of you must have shared a past based on how you protect each other like siblings. He is still very young, they all are, and they still heed and await your guidance with every quintant that comes. You may not pilot one of the lions anymore, but you are still very much a part of Voltron and this team. Don’t ever feel like you aren’t.”

At the end of Coran’s sentence, Shiro’s eyes widened in recognition.

Oh. So that’s what it was.

Silence.

Shiro cracked a small smile and stood up, offering Coran a hand. “Well, what are we doing sitting around here?”

Coran smiled and took his hand. Shiro pulled him up and Coran started dusting his pants. “Now that’s the spirit! Come on now, Slav and I discovered a way to get their mind-melds to show where each of them are individually!”

As they both started to leave the common area and head off to the training room, Shiro whispers, “Thank you, Coran.”

Coran gives him a kind smile. “Anytime, number one.”

… Shiro remembers sitting alone, in the Black Lion, eyes blank, his thoughts consuming his mind and ability to think properly.

He remembers Lance stepping inside, remembers him placing a tray of food at his feet. He remembers Lance sitting beside him, gently asking him what’s wrong.

The conversation they had is now clear as day in his memory.

“It’s nothing, Lance.”  

“Oh come on, Shiro. It isn’t nothing if you’re looking sad like that.”  

“... I’m leaving Voltron.”

“Shiro, no.”

“I’m not needed here anymore, there’s nothing else for me to do—”

“Shiro, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but you’re the reason why every one of us are still doing what we’re doing.”

“What?”  

“Pidge is here because you know her family, that’s why she trusts you. Hunk and I trust you because we know you from the Garrison. Keith, obviously, trusts you because you’re the closest thing to a family that he’s got. And because of the trust we have in you, that’s what made us trust each other. It’s because of you that there is a Voltron after almost ten thousand years. Sure, you don’t pilot one of the lions anymore, but as long as you’re here with your guidance and words, there’s nothing else that we need. So don’t ever feel like you aren’t part of Voltron because you still are and you always will be.”

“... You mean that, Lance?”

“Of course. Now come on, chin up, and please take a shower. You’ve been moping here for days.”

A laugh. Lance smiles and leaves him alone. Shiro looks down at the plate of food goo, noticing that it was arranged in what’s supposed to be a smiley face. A small smile breaks out on Shiro’s lips and it feels strangely foreign after days of not smiling at all.  

“Thank you, Lance.”

what does he have to do?

what does he have to trade?

how much does he have to suffer just so the blurs can go away?

he’ll do it. he’ll do anything.

he’ll suffer through losing his mom again, he’ll suffer having to go through his memories of allison again—he’ll do it all, anything, just make them leave.

make them go back to where they came from.

please?

god, whatever or whoever there is out there, please, heed his begging.

he doesn’t want any of them to see his past for reasons that are too difficult to explain.

he’ll go through a million more punishments and pain if it’ll make them leave his memories, right here and right now.

he’ll do anything, so please.

please.

Pidge groaned when she arrived in another memory. 

“Allura, we have got to find a quicker way out of here, and not just because of my family.” Pidge says as she stands up, rubbing her head insistently. She doesn’t know how many memories she’s transitioned from, but the migraine just doesn’t get any easier the more she advances. 

When she hears no reply, Pidge blinks in confusion. “Allura?” She looks around, panicking when she sees no one by her side. 

Oh no.

Oh no, no, no, no!  

“Allura?”

Pidge waited for a few more seconds, which then eventually turned to minutes. Soon, five minutes passed and no one was appearing anywhere. Not Allura, not Hunk, not Keith. No one.

Pidge groaned again and started glaring at the sky. “Damn you, Lance.” Seriously. Why does she have to be alone? Why, Lance’s memories? There may be no danger as of now, but who knows what will happen later on?! What if she’s faced with a situation she doesn’t know how to deal with? Though that seems highly unlikely, but what if she needs Allura’s knowledge if Pidge encounters a bug or something—

“In the darkness, two shadows, reaching through the hopeless, heavy dusk. Their hands meet, and light spills in a flood like a hundred golden urns pouring out of the sun.” A voice had recited, cutting Pidge off of her thoughts. She turns and sees Lance sitting on a table, holding a book. She realized that she was still in the same diner as before, only this time, Lance doesn’t look like he’s going to perform. Pidge walks over to him and sees that someone else was seated across from him, who was sniffling and wiping their eyes exaggeratedly. 

“Beautiful.” The girl, who Pidge realizes was Allison, clapped. “I can’t believe I haven’t read this book before. I can’t believe how perfect “The Song of Achilles” is. Incredible. Astounding. Amazing—”

“I know how amazing it is, you don’t have to keep listing adjectives.” Lance rolled his eyes at her, but a small smile was on his lips. 

Allison pouts. “Hey! I won our bet! At least be nicer to me!”

“I believe our bet was that if you sang a song that impressed me, we would sing a duet together. Nothing in that bet requires me to be nice to you—”

“Okay, okay, jeez.” Allison rolls her eyes and crosses her arms over her chest. “Stingy.”

“I don’t care.” 

“You’ve said those three words almost a hundred times in the past hour.” 

“You know why? ‘Cause I don’t—”

“—care, yeah yeah, I know. You know that repeating it just makes me more irritated.” Allison growls. 

Lance just chuckles at her, shaking his head while closing the book he was reading earlier and placing it on the table. Pidge just stands there, confused and dumbfounded. Last time she saw them, Lance wanted her to go away multiple times and the girl was less… irritable, she guesses? They were like acquaintances before, but now, it’s more believable and obvious that they’re friends. 

And aren’t they rivals or something? Didn’t Lance say something like that before? Why are they hanging out and making bets and having some sort of book club meeting? How much did Pidge miss out?

“You know, by how often I help you with your assignments to analyze books and movies, it seems like I should just start doing them instead.” Lance says as he hands Allison the book. She takes it and places it in her bag while Lance raises a brow at her. “And I don’t even go to school anymore.”

Allison smiles sheepishly. “Heh, I understand it better when you’re the one teaching me.”

“Bull.” 

“You’re the only one I can rely on?”

“Keep lying and I won’t do a duet with you.”

“Fine!” Allison huffs, sinking down on her seat. She looks away, grumbling under her breath. “I just wanted to spend time with you, I guess.”

A beat. 

Lance started laughing. 

Pidge and Allison looks at him in surprise. Though Pidge has seen him laugh at least once in his memories, she’s never actually seen him laugh so… openly, before. It was nice. 

Pidge smiles as Lance continues laughing, tears in his eyes, a big smile on his face. Allison looks at him weirdly, her expression defensive. “What’s so funny?”

Lance shakes his head, his laughter dying down, wiping a stray tear from his eye. Lance breathes out a breath and gives Allison a small grin. “For someone who is now the ‘number one’ in school, you sure are stupid.” 

“Hah?! What’s that supposed to mean—”

“It means that I don’t care what we do.” Lance says, features all soft. “I wouldn’t have cared either way, because I like spending time with you anyway.”

“Aww!” Pidge coos, biting onto her fist. No matter how many times Lance says he’s a “ladies man,” Pidge never really believed him until today because wow. Those lines are embarrassing, but in a good kind of way? Like, it’s obviously cheesy and corny, but otherwise sweet and also genuine. She’s seen him say all sorts of embarrassing jokes and pick-up lines to aliens in all of the universe, but this one has got to be at the top of the list. What’s even weirder is that he isn’t even flirting at all. He’s actually serious. 

Allison’s eyes widened at him, wonder and amazement shining in them. She clears her throat and looks away, hiding her face in her shoulder and hair. “... you mean that?” 

Pidge swears to God, Lance’s eyes fucking twinkled as he nods his head, the soft smile still on his lips. Damn, what’s with this lighting? “Yes, Allison. As much as I hate to admit, spending time with you these days became… less than a burden.” 

“Can’t you just say you enjoy my company like a normal person?’ 

“I’m pouring my heart and soul here, yet you mock my words?”

“Speak normally, you ass! What you said was a backhanded insult, wasn’t it?!”

“Excuse me, I have said no such thing!”

“You just did! You literally implied that I was a burden before!”

“Because you were!”

“Why you—”

They both started bantering in the diner, exchanging quip after quip. It was really entertaining, if Pidge may say so, and it reminds her of how Lance would banter with Keith nearly everyday in the castle or during missions. They’d never go on a day without it; it’s almost like a ritual for them to do. 

“I won’t get to live properly if I don’t annoy Keith at least twice a day, Pidgey.” Lance told her with a smirk when Pidge once asked him why he was looking for Keith in the early morning. True to his word, Pidge heard shouting and yelling almost five minutes later. Later on, when Pidge went to see them, they were talking normally again, as if they didn’t just declare to kill each other mere moments ago. Their relationship really is something—a mystery so complex that not even science can solve it. 

“So, any thoughts about what song we’ll be singing next week?” Allison asks after they finally stopped finding new ways to insult each other’s hair. “I haven’t really sung that much before. I don’t know what song will fit us.” 

“Any song will be fine, really.” Lance says as he pulls out another book from his bag and starts reading it. “I’m fine with whatever you pick.” 

“I’m not!” Allison frowns. “I want us to pick the song, not just me.” 

“Whyy,” Lance groans. “It’ll take too long. And we’ve only got a week to decide and practice. Just pick anything. Literally anything is okay.”

“It’s okay, just not perfect.” Allison stresses. “Do you see the difference?”

“I do.”

“See? Now you know why—”

“I just don’t care.”

“... stingy. And well, you should, because I’m not picking a song until you do.” 

“Fine with me. It means I won’t have to do a duet with you anymore.” 

“Oh come on, Lance!” Allison whines. Pidge sees Lance’s lips turn up to an amused smile, his eyes sparkling with entertainment. He must really enjoy getting on people’s nerves. Even if he’s different from the present Lance that Pidge knows now—his terrible personality is apparently still there. 

“Worry about that later, okay?” Lance tells her gently while flipping a page of his book. “You’re obviously stressed enough as it is, you don’t have to add this to it.” 

Allison blinks at him and then looks down, biting her lips. “Stop saying things like that.” 

“What’s that?”

“I said stop trying to find ways to get out of this duet. We are doing it and there’s nothing else that you can do about it.” 

“Yay me.” 

“Sound more enthusiastic, you jerk!”

“Why would I be enthusiastic about singing a song with a shorty-pants?”

“Oh wow, third grade insults. How refined.”

“I’m surprised you recognize it since you’re clearly a third-grader yourself. Congratulations.”

“I am not!”

“Oh, then you’re just a shortie.” 

“You’re literally four inches taller than me!”

“Ah, but you’re not denying that you’re short.” 

“I am an average height for a normal high school fifteen year-old girl!” 

“Yeah sure, an average height for shorties, that is.”

“Stop calling me short!” 

Pidge looks at the annoyed sneer on Allison’s face. She looks at Lance’s happy and amused grin as he continues reading his book. 

Yup. Just like a regular Keith-and-Lance-banter. 

there’s nothing else he can do.

it’s hopeless. why should he even bother?

they won’t listen anyway. no matter how many times he screams and pleads at them to stop prying, they won’t listen.

they don’t hear his words.

they don’t reconsider his begging.

they don’t stop at all, just going and going and pushing and forcing and violating every single memory as if they’re conducting a train ride around his mind.

this is awful.

this is terrifying.

this is... depressing.

Allura is a warrior.

Since birth, she was trained to be prim and proper, but also trained to defend herself whenever the time comes and she’s all alone. She has her parents to thank for that. Up until they were separated, they loved her and always wanted to keep her safe.

(She just wishes she had a chance to say goodbye.)

Anyway, Allura’s been trained for combat her whole life and she knows first-hand what war looks like. She knows that yes, even if she has been trained to fight, the scars will remain and they will haunt her from the back of her mind to whatever else that will remind her of it. Underneath her strong exterior, she’s actually terrified. Terrified, because she does not want to fight. She does not want to lose anything or die, selfish as that might be. She believes in democracy, in making connections and forging alliances and stopping the war once and for all without losing anyone.

But the universe works in mysterious ways, does it not?

She may not have her mother, her old friends, or her father anymore, but she has a new family now that is here for her. They… they are alive and well and are not giving up on each other as much as Allura is not giving up on them, and that is all that matters now. This… this family she did not know she would have after ten thousand deca-phoebs of stasis became a much more larger part of her life than anything ever would.

She loves them, very much so. Over the phoebs they spent together, (excluding the near-to-death missions and battles with the Galra), they really did bond as a family and not only as team members of the pilots of Voltron.

Allura can tell quite a few details she’s observed of them over the course that they’ve been together.

Shiro is (quite obviously, might Allura add) hiding something from them ever since they first formed Voltron. Allura can sense it—the tension and hesitance of telling them the truth, but she does not know exactly what secret he’s hiding. She really wants to know, because secrets and distrust could cause more misunderstandings between them and she does not want a repeat of the fight between Pidge and Keith again.

Hunk has—what’s the term?—anxiety, as he admitted to the group when they were all doing their first round of mind-meld exercises. It is not a term Allura is familiar with, so is Coran, which surprises her even more since he is her adviser and he knows almost anything the universe holds. But Hunk explained to her that it’s a type of disorder which causes him to go in a state of frenzies or worry, and sometimes even leads to something called a “panic attack.” But nevertheless, despite having anxiety and panic attacks, Allura has also seen Hunk’s bravery and courage up close. He is also very focused when it comes to engineering and to cooking, and it astounds her that he could be so dedicated when it comes to those he holds close.

Keith is adjusting to the leader role quite nicely, and maybe with a few more phoebs, he may even be better than Shiro was. Though Allura wanted to be the leader of what her father had created, she sees Keith’s potential to improve, she sees the calculating gaze and mind he’s trying to perfect himself to be—because of that, she knows she stands no chance. She’s just glad to be of help whenever Keith approaches her in late vargas of the night, asking her opinion for a battle plan he’s not so sure will turn out right.

Pidge is a bundle of curiosities and quirks all over the place. She’s a good logician, technologist, and also the most honest person after she admitted that she was a girl. Though Allura does not share that many similarities with her, Pidge would make an effort to talk to her about girly stuff that touches Allura’s heart when she does so. And another thing they have in common is the love they have for their fathers. It saddens Allura, at times, when she realizes that she and Coran are the only Alteans left, and that the last time she saw her father was the only time she’ll get to have with him anymore. Which is why Allura will do her best to support Pidge on her quest to search for her family, because truthfully, she sees a lot of herself in the Green Paladin. If her father and her brother are the geniuses Pidge praises them to be, then she and her father have the best chance of rebuilding what Allura’s father had started.

Allura’s seen them at their best. She’s seen them at their worst. How else would she have known them as she does now?

But a certain Blue Paladin is someone else entirely.

Lance, of course, at first glance, is a flirtatious and proclaimed “playboy” who also makes jokes repeatedly even in the face of a serious situation. In the early days when they first met each other, he was very prone to anger and jealousy like Keith was, but Keith’s condition is understandable since he was the Red Paladin; known for being hot-headed and driven by fire. It was peculiar of Lance, the one chosen by the Blue Lion, to be so much like he also belongs to the Red Lion, just as Keith does.

Allura remembers asking that strange observation to Coran, who only smiled at her and stared off to space with a wistful glint in his eyes. “He was chosen by the Blue Lion, Princess.” He said, back then, while they were watching over Keith and Lance having another one of their playful banters. “He’s unapologetically himself, and that fact about him is what others calm.”

(He may be the pilot of the Red Lion now, but a part of him will always be related to the Blue Lion. Always. Not even Allura can take that away from him.)

That piqued Allura’s curiosity even more.

She observed him, quintants after. And for a while, nothing was really that deep about him. He was still the same, playful Lance who interacted with others and generally talked to everyone, even after tough missions. But there was a strange pattern that Allura noticed after a few dozen more missions that went nowhere.

Normally, after these missions, Allura would lock herself in and get mad at herself for not thinking of more back-up plans sooner. But Coran had insisted she go outside and take a breather, so she did. What she sees along the way makes her understand Lance a little better.

After missions, Hunk would always do repairs on the Yellow Lion in silence, to deal with the failure of the operation or with his nitpicking anxiety. As Allura comes to check up on him, she isn’t shocked when she sees that Lance was already there; smiling and laughing with animated gestures while Hunk listens with a soft expression on his face. He wasn’t doing any repairs, but he was still holding some tools on his hands, which led Allura to believe that he probably stopped mid-way to pay attention to what Lance was rambling about. She knows that they are close friends, a bond forged from deca-phoebs of knowing one another, but it was still touching to see them like this. She decided to leave them alone after that.

A few vargas later, she checks up on Pidge and is surprised that Lance was by her side as well. Wasn’t he just with Hunk? Allura shakes her head and leans closer in the doorway to eavesdrop on them, seeing how Lance pokes and teases Pidge almost endlessly. Knowing Pidge’s temper, Allura was ready to step in to stop Lance from his prodding. But she stopped when she saw Pidge crack a small smile on her face, her shoulders momentarily relaxing from their tense stance. Allura blinks in confusion when she sees Pidge close her laptop and follow Lance to the dining area, where Hunk was already sat there with three bowls of food goo for them, almost like it was already planned that Pidge would be joining them.

That was… odd.

What was even more odd was almost a varga later, when Allura went to go see Shiro. She was stupefied when she saw that Lance was there, again, with Shiro. Was he omnipresent, or something? How does he know where everyone is? She saw how Lance comforts him with stories of their home world; describing sceneries that were almost as beautiful as Altea’s gardens, explaining strange climates and seasons that Allura hasn’t heard before, and telling stories of how he’d buy a bunch of “garlic knots” for his younger siblings before he went to the Garrison, another place Allura doesn’t know about. She notices how Shiro had a faraway expression on his gaze, but he was obviously listening attentively to Lance as well. It was almost strange how serene Shiro looked listening to Lance’s stories even though he always relished in the silence the Black Lion offered. She left them alone after.

It was strange. Very strange.

Later on, she saw Lance with another member, again. Coran and him were in the common area, but instead of Lance being the one talking, Coran was the one telling tales of what he and his son used to do before. It startled Allura, not only because Lance managed to make Coran talk about a topic he hasn’t uttered one word about since they woke up from their ten thousand deca-phoeb sleep, but he also managed to let Coran talk about his son in a way of fondness and sentimentality and not at all with grief and regret. As she looks at the way Coran stared adoringly in the expanse of space, she feels gratefulness for the only person who opened up her mentor’s heart like this.

Before dinner, when everyone else was already at the table and were conversing nicely with each other, Allura noticed that the Red and Blue Paladins were missing. She excused herself and went on to fetch them, somehow already knowing that Lance would probably be by Keith’s side when she finds them.

She was right.

She arrived in the training room, a place she knows Keith often spends his time at. She does not make her presence known as she peeks inside the room, instantly seeing Keith and Lance. They were facing each other, but Keith’s head was tilted down while Lance was looking at him with kind expectancy.

“We’re here for you, always.” Lance says with a profound emotion Allura’s heard him talk to Keith in before. “And we always will. Who cares if we fail a few missions? What’s important is how we’ll bounce back after our lack of success. That’s what matters, but for now, what matters is that you don’t get yourself killed by some deadly training bot. How will that look on the papers, huh?! “Leader of Voltron, Black Paladin, killed by ancient bots from a ten-thousand old castle” don’t you know how stupid that sounds—”

“Shut up!” Keith says, red flushing his cheeks, but his lips were twitching in what supposes to be an amused smile. “I won’t die by some training bot!”

“You seemed like you were!”

“That—that’s only because—”

“You’re frustrated, duh.” Lance rolls his eyes. “But the way you’re dealing with it is unhealthy, isn’t it? Training until your bones fall out?”

“I don’t think that’s how the saying goes—”

“Keith,” Lance stresses, and Keith shuts his mouth. Lance offers a smile. “Train when you’re not angry, when you’re not frustrated. Training when you’re being overridden by emotions is always a bad idea, no matter how much you think it’s not.”

Keith wraps his arms around himself as he sits down on the floor, looking almost… petulant?

Allura blinks and rubs her eyes to make sure she’s not imagining this. From what she knows about Keith, he’s always looked stoic. If not, he’s always riled up at whatever jab Lance throws his way, but in a way, also… happy? She’s never seen Keith enjoy much in others’ presences. He always has that awkward and guarded up look on his face whenever around with individuals he’s not familiar with. The ones she knows he’s comfortable around with are, of course, the Paladins. The one he has the most close bond with is Shiro, someone he looks up to as a brother. And after that… well, Allura can’t think of anyone else but Lance.

As far as Allura could remember, they were always on each other’s nerves upon first meeting them. But then they worked together, and their teamwork surprised everyone, even themselves. That then turned to a bond strengthened with rivalry that was first about bitterness, but then evolved to an acceptance of each other’s skills and capabilities. In most cases in Altea, an evolution as great and strong as theirs usually leads to courtship and marriage. When Allura had mentioned that to them a few phoebs ago, Hunk and Pidge bursted out in laughter and Shiro only shook his head with a grin on his lips. Keith and Lance, however, were both red in the face and immediately ran to leave the room, becoming even more redder when they accidentally bumped into each other on the way out.

She was confused why their reactions were so… different, and she turned to her adviser for some answers. But Coran, too, was confused and even said, “Is it not like that on your planet? Alteans would sometimes even mate if faced with that sort of development when knowing each other.” Allura nodded in agreement, but that only further caused Hunk and Pidge to laugh even harder, basically howling at this point, while Shiro finally released a chuckle and wiped a tear from his eye. Allura and Coran just looked at each other and sighed. “Humans.”

But, nevertheless, back to the moment. Keith rarely shows emotions other than anger, determination, or irritation. Occasional smiles and laughter, yes, but seeing an actual pout on his lips? That’s something Allura never imagined would happen in deca-phoebs.

“I just don’t want to disappoint them.” Keith mutters, and if possible, pouts even more.

Lance laughs. “You’ll never disappoint anyone here, buddy. That’s a fact.”

“I don’t know what I’m doing, Lance.”

“None of us do, Keith-y boy. We’re all just shooting our chances in the dark, trying to find the right target without knowing where to aim. Don’t beat yourself up for not knowing anything when we don’t either.”

Keith quiets. Allura presses her lips to a thin line.

“Worry about all those responsibilities later, or even tomorrow. Or even the day after tomorrow. Think about what’s more important today, what’s more important right now.”

“Yeah?” Keith murmurs, looking at Lance with tentative, but hopeful eyes. “And what’s that?”

Lance leans in, and smirks. “Dinner.”

Keith laughs and pushes Lance’s face away. “Oh God, you’re horrible.”

Lance waggles his eyebrows as the smirk fades away to a grin. “I’m just saying the truth! Aren’t you hungry for some delicious and nutritious food goo?”

“It literally doesn’t taste like anything.” Keith tries to deadpan, but try as he might, his exasperation can’t hide the smile he’s fighting back for how funny he actually finds the Red Paladin.

“Nu uh! Hunk just found some space spices to add some flavor to the food goo! Tonight, we’re having still green but spicy goo! Doesn’t that sound delicious?”

“Just because we’re in space doesn’t mean everything we find automatically has ‘space’ in its name, Lance.”

Lance laughs, abruptly and loudly. And even if Allura doesn’t like him in that way, she smiles faintly at the sound of genuine laughter from him. It was a bit high-pitched, but sincere and open and legitimately caught off-guard by Keith’s comment. It gave her a pleasant feeling in her belly; reminding her of her cousins and other Alteans’ laughters whenever she strolls around the kingdom. Even after a hard day of too much effort and little to no results, it was admirable that Lance can still laugh amidst it all.

She looks at Keith and…

Oh.

Keith had an expression of wonder etched on his face, his eyes wide like he found something extraordinary. There was a redness to his cheeks that only became greater in color the more that Lance laughed. After a few ticks, his astonishment watered down to a small upturn of his lips, his eyes creasing at the corners. His purple-like irises increased, only a little, but that made all the change in the universe. His features and his overall aura softened, and he was looking at Lance in an almost fascinated daze, something vivid and inexplicable in his eyes that spoke more volumes than words ever could.

O-Oh!

Allura flustered, and she immediately ran away to avoid being caught.

Normally, when Alteans look at each other in twinkling and loving gazes, it would lead to mating rituals, so it was best to leave them alone. The look on Keith’s eyes reminded Allura of the Altean couples back then; her father and her mother, Coran and his husband, her favorite cousin and her beloved other, and many more than she can count. She better give them both privacy before it escalates into something Allura will scar herself from seeing.

As she returned to the dining area, everyone still talking to each other normally, Allura took her seat from across Pidge. “Pidge, I have a question.”

“Hmm?” Pidge hummed with a mouth full of goo.

“When one’s pupils grow bigger when… gazing at someone, what does it usually mean?” Allura asks carefully. She knows what it means in Altean terms, of course, but humans always have some strange customs and traditions that Allura sometimes can’t wrap her head around. Their ethics and procedures rarely have similarities with Altean culture, but the way Keith looked earlier… it has to mean something, right?

If it doesn’t, then Allura is seriously considering what is wrong with their species.

Hunk choked at the question while Pidge just placed a hand on her chin thoughtfully. “Well, the dilation of pupils is called mydriasis, and there are actually various reasons why eyes dilate. Sometimes, it increases in size to let more light in the eyes if it’s dark, and sometimes, it gets smaller if it’s bright outside. Other times, it could also be a cause of something like a disease or other medical reasons.”

“Yes, yes, that is interesting.” Allura nodded and waved a hand. That’s not the answer she’s looking for. “But what if said eyes were not in the dark nor in a bright place, but just looking at someone? Does that mean anything on your planet?”

“When looking at someone… it’s normally called “the look of love,” if that’s what you’re trying to find.” Pidge answers evenly. “The iris muscles, which are responsible for the pupil and the dilation of it, are controlled by the autonomic nervous system.”

Allura blinks in confusion. Hunk, after recovering from his fits of choking, smiles at her patiently. “It’s just like when you feel butterflies in your stomach; it’s uncontrollable and unexpected. Comparing that to eyes, a visible tell of your feelings for someone or someone’s feelings for you might be found in their eyes. Studies also find that when you see someone attractive or even just a picture of them, it can elicit a nonverbal response of pupil dilation.” Allura doesn’t really know what “butterflies in your stomach” mean, but she thinks it could also be a sign of a courtship or mating ritual that humans do. How strange.

“The reason for that is because of oxytocin and dopamine, which are called the “love hormones” in Earth.” Pidge further explains. “When our gazes or our eyes fall on someone of interest, our brains release dopamine which then leads to our pupils dilating. So, to answer your question, it does mean something when someone’s eyes grow bigger when looking at something or someone else.”

Allura contemplates pensively. Huh. So it isn’t just Alteans who communicate with their significant others through eyes. Though somewhat scientifically and sort of in a complex way, humans too express their attraction through gazes of love and affection.

Interesting.

“It can also be called “heart eyes” by modern human culture.” Hunk adds.

“Oh…” Allura listens carefully, taking in the information to compare it with what she saw earlier. “So that’s what it was.”

“Why are you so curious about this, anyway?” Pidge asks as she eats another spoonful of food goo.

“Yeah, I normally love saying all sorts of facts about Earth, but that’s a weird topic for you to bring up, ‘Lura.” Hunk says as he starts to drink the water on his side.

Allura shrugs and starts to eat her food. “Well, if I must admit, I was in the training room and I saw Keith giving Lance the “heart eyes.” It usually means the beginning of mating in Altean culture, but I was curious in what it means in yours—”

There were two things that Allura learned today.

One, she should never say anything like that when the Paladins are eating or drinking. Before she could even finish her statement, Hunk spurts his water out from his mouth and nostrils while Pidge spews her half-chewed food goo everywhere, making the table all messy and dirty. Allura calmly takes the napkin beside her plate and wipes the goo that managed to land on her dress as Pidge starts sputtering gibberish and Hunk becomes a stuttering mess.

“Wh-What—Allura you can’t just s-say that—”

“Give us details, woman! I can’t wait to blackmail Keith on this shit—”

“Pidge, language.”

The second thing that Allura realized, quite belatedly, is that she hasn’t given Keith and Lance a proper gift for their mating. She’s seen them give each other “heart eyes” for almost three deca-phoebs now, which means they’ve probably already been together even before they became Voltron!

Quiznak, why has none of the Paladins ever mentioned that Keith and Lance were already in an amorous entanglement? Or Keith and Lance themselves? Is it some sort of custom to not speak of one’s partnership with another on Earth?

Allura shakes her head.

Humans are difficult.

well, he’s done.

he begs, he prays, he pleads and yet—no one is there to listen to him.

no one cares about him.

they don’t care because they want to see what past a fake hero like him would have. they don’t care because they’re curious to see if he’s being truthful to them about who he really is.

lance knows who he is.

a fraud.

a coward.

a scared baby.

a terrified boy who can’t handle anything by himself, which is why everyone leaves him.

lance knows who he is. he’s replaceable, the seventh wheel, a bad brother, and...

a horrible friend.

... well.

if they’re going to see what happens, then so be it.

just don’t tell lance that he didn’t warn them.