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“When are you going to get married, Nagisa?”
Ah yes, the dreaded ‘marriage’ question he gets on about 40% of the lunches he has with his mother. It’s usually followed by a round of awkward conversation changers until his mother drops the subject entirely and grills him about work. Nagisa is already geared up to answer her every question about the students he has, the workload and that yes, the coffee maker is still working in the teachers’ lounge.
He doesn’t expect her to say, “You’ve been living with that friend of yours for so long I’m worried that the bachelor life has changed you.” Oh. “And I know your roommate is a respected bureaucrat but I can’t help but worry since I remember what a troublemaker he was.”
This is even worse than when she guilt-trips him for grandchildren. It’s been a subject that Nagisa has to carefully tread around for years, a subject that often keeps him up late at night wondering if he’s even doing the right thing. It’s not that Nagisa is ashamed, it’s more like he’s terrified what his parents will think. Growing up, his mother especially never hid her disgust for gay people, how ‘wrong’ she felt it was for two boys to hold-hands or even kiss.
The marriage thing is easy to brush off, the ‘living with that friend’ thing is a lot harder when a more accurate statement would be boyfriend. And Nagisa isn’t quite ready to out himself to his mother yet.
“I’m fine, mom,” he says, feeling like he’s just swallowed battery acid. He folds his hands over his teacup, wishing it hadn’t gone cold ten minutes ago. Nagisa squeezes the cup until his hands stop shaking.
Hiromi sighs, sipping her coffee. “How is that actor friend of yours, Nagisa? I always thought you two would make a wonderful couple. And you’d have such beautiful children too.”
Kinda hard to tell her Kayano is taken and in love with a woman. “Kayano is focused on her career,” is what he says instead. Hiromi hums, like she doesn’t quite believe him. Not that Nagisa would either, after that shoddy excuse.
His phone buzzes in his pocket and he tunes his mother out as she goes on a lengthy tangent about her boss’s daughter that would be perfect for Nagisa as he sneakily fishes his phone out. It’s from Karma. It’s hard to stop the bubble of warmth that bursts in his chest and melts the ice forming over his heart.
Come home, it reads, I miss you
A smile tugs at Nagisa’s mouth as he texts back, I’ve only been gone for a couple of hours
Karma’s reply is almost instantaneous, too long
Nagisa sends back an array of kissing face emojis and hearts before pocketing his phone again. His stomach sinks like a stone when he realizes his mother had gone silent and there’s a gleam in her eyes like a lion ready to pounce on its pray. Hiromi laces her fingers under her chin. It feels like she’s just poured a bucket of ice water over his head.
“Who was that?” she asks.
Nagisa squirms. “It was just Karma.” Hiromi’s eyes widen, just enough to make Nagisa’s stomach bottom out. “He just saw a dog and sent me a picture.” Hiromi hums again, not quite believing him. He throws back his cold tea, curling his fingers into his palm to quell the shaking.
Hiromi checks her wristwatch. “Oh, I have to get going, I have an appointment soon.” She stands up, collecting her purse. “We’ll have lunch again soon, finish up your food, I’ll pay before I leave.” She touches his shoulder, leaving Nagisa alone with his half-eaten lunch and her untouched sandwich.
He wonders if she’s seen through him, if he is as transparent as he feels when it comes to Karma. The last half of his sandwich is gritty and disgusting.
Nagisa returns home to the small, two-bedroom apartment he shares with Karma half-an-hour later, feeling warn-out and thoroughly exhausted. Their cat, Spoon, winds around Nagisa’s legs as he tries in vain to kick his shoes off. He scoops him up, scratching behind Spoon’s orange, folded over ears and shuffles into the living room.
Karma’s draped over the couch, shamelessly looking through erotic pictures Karma had taken of Nagisa on his laptop. Nagisa flushes from the neck up but he swallows his outburst. Karma looks up, a grin on his face when he clicks onto a particularly lewd photo of Nagisa that is too graphic for Nagisa to describe.
“You’re insatiable,” Nagisa says, stepping over Karma’s stupidly long legs to fall into the spot next to him. Spoon paws his way up Nagisa’s chest and perches on the couch behind his shoulder.
Karma pouts, sliding his hand before Nagisa’s thighs before Nagisa is swatting him away. “I missed you.” He catches Nagisa’s hand, lacing their fingers together. “And if you had come home any later you might have caught me in a rather compromising position.” He waggles his eyebrows.
Nagisa rolls his eyes but the smile is back. It’s always so comfortable with Karma, it always has been. Nagisa was still a student-teacher when Karma suggested they move in together and make those years of somewhat awkward make-out sessions whenever they were alone official. It’s been seven years since then, they’re on the cusp of their thirties and their parents can’t quite figure out why two single men are still living together.
“Oh,” Karma says, in-between the lewd photo-viewing and kissing every inch of Nagisa’s hand, “I got us the new Sonic Ninja movie.”
“How? It’s not even out in America yet!”
“I have a lot of connections,” Karma says, closing the photo-viewer on his laptop and bringing up a crisp copy of an illegal movie.
Nagisa laughs, curling against Karma’s side, slotting into the space he fits best. “Are you sure a bureaucrat such as yourself should be downloading illegal movies?”
“C’mon Nagisa, you know me. I could be the President of the World and I still be breaking the law.”
“Fair enough,” Nagisa amends, turning his gaze to the movie. He doesn’t bother telling Karma about his conversation with his mother, how she is once again pressing him for grandchildren, but by the end of the movie, Karma has it figured out.
“What happened at lunch?” he asks, the picture of seriousness.
Nagisa bites his lip. “She asked me about getting married again and before I had a chance to say anything she suddenly brought you up. And when things couldn’t get worse she brought up Kayano, saying how we’d make such beautiful children and all that crap.” Karma rubs his thumb soothingly over the white peaks of Nagisa’s knuckles. “You texted me too and well, I couldn’t lie to mom about who was texting me so then she got this look on her face and left before I could do anything.”
It’s not like either of them want to hide their relationship. Sometimes Nagisa will ask Karma about a world in which they could freely love each other, get married and live in the same house as a couple and not two lonely bachelors. And Karma will agree with him. There is nothing they would like more than to be open about their relationship. But the second their jobs catch wind of their relationship, they’ll be out of a job.
“I’m not going to lie to you and say it’s going to be okay but we’ll get through this, Nagisa. We always do. We hijacked a space station and fought trained assassins. We’ll figure it out.” Karma pulls Nagisa into a hug. “We always work better together anyways.”
Nagisa hums. “One day, I’ll get to shout from our balcony that I have the best boyfriend in the world.”
Karma huffs. “Husband,” he corrects, smiling crookedly. Nagisa laughs, kissing the corner of Karma’s mouth.
“Husband,” he agrees, running his fingers against the grain of stubble on Karma’s chin. “And best friend.”
“Of course,” Karma says, nuzzling Nagisa’s hand. “If your soulmate isn’t your best friend, what are you even doing?”
Nagisa grins, leaning in to kiss Karma quickly. “So I’m adding soulmate to the repertoire?”
Karma doesn’t let Nagisa go quite so easily, chasing after his mouth eagerly. “And every other word romantic word you can think of.”
Nagisa’s laughing, pulling Karma against him as they flop against the couch, slanting their mouths together in comfortable familiarity. The scrape of Karma’s stubble has Nagisa’s toes curling and warmth unfurling in his chest.
They don’t need to say I love you, they just know it, from their dumb Scottish-fold named Spoon, from the notes Nagisa leaves around for Karma. From the Sonic Ninja poster they stuck to the ceiling above their bed, from the rings they wear on chains around their necks, from the cupboards they always have stocked with their favourite snacks. They know it every time Karma sneaks into the shower with Nagisa, every time Nagisa burns dinner and they have to order takeout. The kisses they sneak in public, the dates they go on to the grocery store or the karaoke bar, the way Karma often comes home exhausted from work and he finds comfort by draping himself over Nagisa.
And Nagisa wouldn’t trade this for anything.