Chapter Text
“I don’t like this.”
Amidst the hustle and bustle of an early morning city, one would think a grouchy man’s grouchier grumblings would be lost to the ceaseless noise of strangers scrambling every which way. For the average person, there’s no doubt it would have. After all, such scrambles neared deafening proportions when the masses’ shoes clapped against the sidewalk in raucous cacophony. Passing cars further honked and whirred across the street, desperate in their need to reach work and other obligations on time.
Luckily, neither he nor his companion were anything remotely ‘ordinary’ in this regard. Jade Harley had always borne gifted hearing, able to track the ruffled feathers of pigeons preening atop the tree branches several yards above with ease. As for Karkat Vantas, his oft-used vocal cords were well versed in the art of—well. Screaming. So much so that even his whispers now resembled a rather hoarse bark, nevermind any soft murmur. When paired together, their exceptionally mundane talents allowed for the continuation of one of Karkat’s favorite pastimes: complaining. Specifically, complaining about the one and only Dave Strider, who was a goddamned dirty dirtbag if Karkat had ever seen one and absolutely no one could convince him otherwise.
See, the fact of the matter was quite simple: he did not like this, at all. Not one bit. And as they made their way down the street, he vowed to make his best friend aware of this information by any means necessary, even if that meant straight up engraving it into her auditory cortex. As it was, Jade’s right ear twitched as she caught wind of his grumbles. Rolling her eyes, she decided to humor him, recognizing they had at least another ten minutes before reaching the park.
“Karkat, that’s literally the 15th time you’ve said that since we left your apartment,” she said. With a mischievous grin, she dug her fingers into the brown mop he so graciously called hair. For her trouble, she earned an indignant squawk, to which her buck-toothed smile only widened. “I was beginning to think you were excited about meeting him!”
“Don’t insult me, Harley!” he barked, throwing his hands up to prevent further mussing. “I’m telling you, he’s a raging douchebag with all the geniality of a constipated blob fish. I know you care about him, but even you have to admit he’s nothing short of a tool.”
“Well maybe if you weren’t being such a raging fuckass, you’d see there’s a lot more to him!” She paused. “I mean…okay, he’s definitely questionable in his fashion sense. But who wouldn’t want to wear pajamas all day? And he works really hard too!”
“He doesn’t look like he’s worked a day in his life. And Jade,” Karkat moaned, palming his face in exasperation, “of all the insults you’ve had time to pick up from me, why did it have to be ‘fuckass?’ My vocabulary’s like a goddamn Christmas extravaganza in its profanity spewing lexicon, and yet you chose the laziest, most asinine term possible!”
“It’s simple, but effective,” Jade said, tapping a finger to her cheek. “And it gets your undies in a twist whenever I say it, so that’s always a plus.”
“Fuck you too, Jade. But I digress. Moving on from one thrilling inanity to the next: all offense intended, if he tries to pull anything funny, I will literally chop off his dick and shove it down his throat in a steamy column of hot ‘fuck you’ and hope he chokes to death on his own ball sack.”
“Ew, Karkat. See, this is why I stick to fuckass, every other word out of your mouth is an obscenity in its own right.”
“I’m serious!” Karkat said, waving his arms with gusto. “You’ve seen the movies, you know how people manipulate others into believing they’re soulmates. Act all disgustingly romantic online, but whoopsie daisy! Turns out it’s all a big fat lie and once you meet face to face, they rope you into believing that it’s just accidental your marks aren’t reacting. That ‘fate’ or whatever bullshit actor responsible for these stupid things intends for you to be together, and that this is all just some mistake or misunderstanding. Next thing you know, you’re left with an aging man-child ball and chain living off scraps in their mother’s basement.”
“Don’t be ridiculous, Dave couldn’t hurt a fly even if he wanted to,” she said. She stuck out her tongue for good measure, which Karkat responded to in kind. “I’d know, he’s whined more than once about how I need to come down here and kill the spiders in his attic because he’s too chicken to roll up a newspaper. Besides, you of all people shouldn’t take fiction to heart! With how many soap operas you watch, you must know how silly those plotlines get! Like, what was that Adam Sandlers flick agai—?”
“Ding ding ding! Oh, do you know what that was? That’s my bullshit meter hitting maximum capacity. Any further mentions of such will cause it to overload and no one, not even Dave ‘I am a living pigsty’ Strider, wants to deal with its sentient diarrhea infested waters. Cinema, especially that of the romantic variety, and especially 50 First Dates, is a stunning reflection of reality and I will hear nothing agai— Jade, stop laughing at me or I will literally shit on your bed tonight.”
“Hey, it’s your bed, Karkat! If you want to take a dump in it, be my guest. I’ll just take the couch and call it a day.”
“Argh! You know what I meant!”
“Fat chance! I’m lucky to understand half of what you mean at any given time, since everything else either borders on stupidity or lunacy!”
“Then that makes you half an idiot too, seeing as you befriended one!”
“Fuckass!”
“Bulge licker!”
“Jerk face!”
“Farmstink McButtlass!”
With that breaking the proverbial camel’s back, Jade broke into a series of giggles. Hiding a toothy grin behind her palm, she stopped short, instead reaching around her middle and to try and restrain the hysterical fit bubbling in her chest. Even Karkat couldn’t resist the urge to snicker, bending over and slapping his knee.
“Jeez, you’re always so much more ridiculous in person than over pesterchum,” Jade said, finally regaining her composure after a few minutes. “And that’s a feat in of itself, seeing as you’re always ridiculous!”
“What can I say, I live up to my branding,” Karkat snorted. “The ‘Total and Complete Asshole’ gig is something only yours truly can abide by 24/7, 100% of the time.”
“Aw, don’t say that Karkat! I’d say it’s only about 75% of the time, maybe 80% on bad days. I know you’re a goober deep down. Deep, deep, deep down.”
“All my days are bad days.”
“I dunno, you seemed pretty happy that one time I bought you a crab for your birthday. Not to mention when you picked me up earlier! Admit it, you’re not always a miserable doofus. Only mostly.”
“I am insulted by the mere implication that I would be anything but fucking ecstatic to be in the presence of Sir Snapsworth, so excuse me as I levy a hefty ‘fuck’ and ‘you’ for your complete and utter lack of tact.”
“Me, tactless? Hah! Pot calling the kettle black there!”
“We’re both black, Harley.”
“Well, half black, but touché. And ANYWAYS, we’re getting off topic again!” Jade clapped her hands together. The sight of the red hairband around her pinkie jolted her memory as she realized it was already half past 10, which meant they were well on-track to being late to meet Dave. Oops. “The point is that we’re fine, Dave’s fine, everybody’s fine. So stop being such a grouchy worrywart over nothing. Come on, you don’t seriously believe he’s some creepy stalker, do you?”
“Well…no,” Karkat mumbled, absentmindedly scratching his temple. “Much as I think Strider’s a feculent shit stain on the face of society, I don’t think he’s out to hurt you. Which only serves the purpose of worrying me more since I don’t know what his intentions are.”
“Intentions? What’s that supposed to mean?” Jade repeated, cocking her head sideways. Instead of answering, Karkat dug his fists deep into his sweater, discomfort spreading across his face as the seconds ticked by. Evidently, he waited too long to respond. With a frown, Jade grabbed Karkat’s wrist. She then yanked him away in tune, leaving him to scramble to keep pace with her longer legs and superior height.
“Hey, wait!” he said, staggering. “Dammit Jade!”
“We’re going to be late as is!” she said, her grip tightening. Although her voice was light, there was a certain firmness in her tone that gave Karkat the distinct impression that she’d about had enough of his crap. He winced—it was more than apparent that her own ‘bullshit meter’ was about to spillover, all thanks to Hurricane Vantas. “Whatever you have to tell me, you can do it on the way there.”
“Fine, fine!” Karkat said, pulling at her long sleeve with his free hand. It barely ruffled her pastel blouse, much less her person, and the pace if anything only quickened. “Just let go already, I’m not a child!”
“Then don’t act like it!” With a huff, she released his wrist. He stumbled, tripping over his own two feet with the grace of a waltzing walrus, but managed to catch himself before his face became uncomfortably acquainted with sidewalk pavement.
“Christ woman, are you trying to get me killed?” Karkat complained. Dusting off his pants with a growl, he stopped to inspect his wrist for bruising—Jade wasn’t always aware of her strength—and pulled back from the crowd. “Because such is the scenario before us. Poor old Karkat gets trampled to death by a pack of hungry rednecks on the way to the park, a classic tragedy fit for the fucking ages. But who gives a barfing fuck, what I meant to say was—uh, Jade?”
Blinking, Karkat lifted his head and turned around. With a start, he realized that Jade had left him to eat dust and gone on ahead. Christ! He couldn’t take his eyes off her for one shit splitting second, could he? Where the hell was—wait, there! Already about a block down, Karkat could just see the very top of her chocolate brown mane bobbing in the distance. Cursing, he was quick to pad after her, dodging from stranger to stranger and knocking quite a few shoulders in the process.
“Excuse me, coming through—hey, fuck you too, asshole!—let me in dammit, make way already!”
Finally, finally Karkat managed to reach her when she came to a stop by a red light. Huffing and puffing, he reached her side. Immediately afterwards, he palmed his chest and lurched over, breathless from his flight.
“What…the fuck…was that for,” Karkat wheezed.
“What was what for?” Jade said, arching a brow.
“You…know for what!” Karkat said. “Leaving…me…behind, maybe?!”
“Leaving you—oh! No wonder it was so quiet. I thought the gods had finally answered my prayers and shoved a sock in your mouth!”
Gaping, Karkat peeled his eyes from the ground and looked up. Had she really not noticed his absence? But—no, he caught glimpse of a barely restrained smile plastering her face, buck teeth biting down hard on her lips to prevent its fruition.
What the flipper fondling fuck was this treachery.
At least she was no longer mad at him (right????). In any case, she was willing to give him a pass and ignore the aforementioned tangent.
“You whimsical ass whiffing sparkleberry,” Karkat said accusingly. No longer able to restrain herself, Jade’s mouth split into a shit eating grin as the light flashed green.
“Takes one to know one,” she said, continuing on as if nothing had ever happened.
With that, their conversation dipped back into the comfortable banter he had grown so familiar with over the years. Drifting between bouts of teasing and snickering at one another’s expense, it was a relaxing rhythm that at least partially relieved some of Karkat’s nerves. He was still on edge, worried about whatever bullshit Dave might try to pull once they arrived at the park, but. He was on thin ice with Jade as it was. Better to play it cool and not make a fuss.
But of course, Karkat was anything but cool, and just had to make an ass of himself yet again once the opportunity presented itself.
“Um, still.” Jade chewed her lip, eyes trained on anything but Karkat’s as they continued down the sidewalk. They were only a few minutes away from the front entrance now, but Karkat had yet to catch sight of Douchelord McBuzzkill through the webbed fence. Miracles were indeed possible. “I’m not sure how I feel about this either, honestly.”
“Sure about what? The fact that rom-coms are objectively better than any other form of media? Because you damn well better believe it’s true, Jade. Open your eyes and face down the destiny which Gamzee’s stupid ass messiahs have wrought upon us, it’s plain as day.”
“No, not that!” Jade rolled her eyes. “Which you’re completely and utterly wrong about, by the way, but I’m going to put a pin in that for now and school you about it later. Just, I mean…well, you know. What you were saying before, about Dave and me. I’m not sure how to feel about it.”
“Wait, what?” Karkat asked, jerking his head right. “I thought you were excited? ”
“I am!” Jade insisted. Still, Karkat could see the figurative gears winding in her head as she thought better of it, and amended, “well, I’m excited to meet him! Dave’s one of my very best friends and I’ve known him for years, it’d be impossible not to be!”
“But?” Karkat pressed.
“Well…” She said, fidgeting. “I dunno, I—I guess I’m just not as sure as Dave is that we’re soulmates.”
“Holy shit.” Karkat blinked, eyes rounding into dinner plates. But before he could reap any proverbial feast and fill said saucers with vindictive glee, Jade cut him off, throwing her open palm to the air.
“Now, I know what you’re thinking. How ‘ bluh bluh bluh I’m Karkat, I’m hot shit and Dave’s a jerkface,’ because he’s not ,” she said, flexing her fingers into quotation marks. “So do me a favor this one time and please just shut up. I don’t need you to make me feel worse about this.”
Karkat recoiled, allowing Jade to push forward without him and presumably abscond from the drudgery that was his rampaging histrionics.
The accusation stung, all the more because it was true. Like he hadn’t thought up a dozen scenarios as soon as the words left her mouth where he crowed over Dave’s loss, eating up the fact that hey, Jade Harley just isn’t that into you, dude! Sucks to suck! Except the only one sucking was him, upsetting his best friend with egregious word vomit and abject resentment. Dave may be an asshole, but Karkat was the ruling champion. And he was only rubbing it in Jade’s face.
He’d later claim past Karkat’s brain short-circuited, fried under the sweltering heat that constituted Houston’s climate, but without warning his hand shot from his side and latched onto her wrist.
“Wait, shit I’m sorry,” Karkat said. Jade paused, turning toward him. He worried his lip, but pressed forward nonetheless. “I-I know I’m being an ostentatious ass blister about this, secreting bullshit all over you like the sloshing diarrhea of a failing sphincter. You don’t deserve that. And—and you can tell me to fuck off, or to shove sickles up my ass, or give me whatever similarly warranted insult if you want to go on ahead. But.” His grip on her arm softened. “I don’t. Want you to think you can’t tell me things. I’m sorry.”
Jade cocked her head, staring with such enrapt intensity that Karkat began to squirm. But instead of answering verbally, his answer came in the form of a small smile and a ruffle of hair.
And, okay, maybe it’s best to let go of her now. He tugged his fingers free and pulled back, a rosy tinge dusting his cheeks.
“W-what?” He demanded.
“Nothing,” Jade said, buck teeth peeking over her bottom lip. “Just…you’re a little ridiculous, you know that?”
“ What?! ” Karkat squawked.
“Not like that!” Jade said. “Well…okay, no, you are like that, but I mean that you always seem to think things are a lot worse than they really are. I’m not going to abandon you all because you pissed me off one time—if that were the case, I would’ve told you to stuff it a long time ago!”
“So…you’re not mad then?” Karkat asked, hesitant.
“Bluh, I wasn’t even mad. More like…annoyed. Just,” Jade sighed, carding her fingers through her hair. “Karkat, I don’t need a knight to lord over my decisions. You know that, right?”
Again, Karkat winced, guilt writhing in his gut. He’d known for ages how much she hated to be controlled, hated to have her independence infringed upon, yet what did he do the second he got the chance? Act like a controlling asshole.
Past Karkat’s a real fucking douchebag, and his present self’s not much better.
“I—yeah. I know, I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m not…trying to stop you from living your life or anything. I know it’s none of my damn business and if Dave’s the one for you, then so be it. I just…want you to be okay, alright?” Karkat exhaled. “I really, really don’t trust him.”
“Like I hadn’t already figured that out,” Jade said with a roll of her eyes. “I know you’re just looking out for me. But like I said, I can handle myself. I don’t need anyone to boss me around—no matter how good you are at it!”
“No shit,” Karkat said, snorting. “As stubborn as you Harleys are”—“ Hey!!! ”—“you’re the most capable person I’ve ever met in my life.” He paused. “But—and if I’m prying, you’ve every right to tell me to fuck right off into the next galaxy, alright?—can I ask what’s on your mind about Dave? Not that he wasn’t transparent as all hell about his feelings for you, it was downright embarrassing to watch him slobber all over the screen at times, but. I thought you, uh, liked him back.”
“I do like him, just…maybe not the way he likes me,” Jade admitted, readjusting the round glasses atop her nose. Karkat had long since noticed that habit bordered on being a nervous tick, what with how often she’d play with those things both in person and over Skype calls. “I’ve known he’s liked me for ages now. Like—even though you were being a jerk just now, he was pretty blatant about it. And since I’ve been in the states for my dig, he wound up the courage to ask and. Now we’re here. Except I’m not even sure I like -like him so. Where does that leave us? I mean, if we are soulmates, I’ll play along and give it a shot because hey! It’s not like you meet your one and only every day! But…argh, this is so frustrating!”
As she neared her tangent’s end, Jade’s breathing became more erratic, rushing each word like it was her last. Her fingers became entangled in her hair, grabbing angles every which way, and Karkat could only look on concerned. Once finished, she relieved her curls from their fleshy prison, and placed her freed hands on her chest with a wheeze.
“Jeez,” she said. “I’m starting to get like you.”
“That’s what you get when you hang around a self-righteous jackass for so long,” Karkat said, almost automatic in his banter. He then grimaced, because holy hell now was not the time.
“But…fuck, I’m sorry you’re so worried about this, Jade. I didn’t realize.”
“It’s alright,” she sighed, peeling away stray hairs from her face. “I guess I don’t know what to do.”
Karkat studied her. Bags enough to rival his own clung to her eyes, almost purple against her dark complexion. He’d assumed they were due to the stress of working long hours on site, fiddling around with tools he couldn’t even name, much less comprehend, but maybe her recent lack of sleep had a little less to do with rocks and a little more to do with this so-called ‘vacation.’ Dammit, why did Strider have to ruin everything he touched? Or, hadn’t touched, in this case. Whatever!
His gaze softened.
“At the risk of sounding like an even greater scumbag than usual,” Karkat said slowly, “even though I’m actually being 100% fucking sincere for once in my miserable life: we can always turn back if you want to.” Before Jade could open her mouth in protest, he pressed on, determined to make his point. “You owe nobody jack shit, Jade. Not me, not Dave. Not anyone. If this crap’s really getting to you, we can call it a day right here, right now.”
Jade’s lips formed a small ‘o’ of surprise, eyes widening in turn. Feeling heat bloom across his cheeks yet again, Karkat turned away to face the fence. They’d arrived at the park entrance, where Dave was most assuredly waiting somewhere inside. Ugh.
“You’re a good guy, you know that, Karkat?” Jade said, resting her hand atop his shoulder. “You’re just an emotional goofball in a sweater vest.”
“Lies and fucking slander,” Karkat grumbled, shrugging her off in turn.
“Admit it!”
“I admit damn well nothing,” Karkat said, wringing his hands. “Obviously, the lobotomy hobbits are at it again, loosening up the last of the screws tying your feeble mind to this plane of existence. They eschew factual reality like it’s a well-used condom nobody wants to touch, and dammit Jade, I refuse to enable this kind of blasphemous desecration of my good name.”
“You know who’s also a good guy, Karkat?” Jade’s grin returned, steamrolling his tangent before it even had a chance to blossom. “Who puts up a cool kid front and acts like he doesn’t give a shit, but instead cares a whole loooooot?”
“If you say Dave, I swear to god I’ll—”
“DAVE!” she sang, grabbing his hand and pulling him forward. With a yelp, Karkat stumbled after her, clinging to her fingers for dear life as she made a beeline for a strange, yet altogether too familiar red pajama-laden douchebag lounging against the fence.
“Bah!” Karkat spat, face scrunching up in disgust.
All that Karkat had ever actually seen of the probable public menace known as Dave Strider came from a handful of deliberately shitty selfies he’d seen on Twitter (during the brief, uncommon occasions when curiosity pushed Karkat just enough to get him to unblock the asshole), and they hadn’t really given him a clear idea of just what the douchebag looked like. He’d always imagined the guy to look like just the biggest douchebag, and between the fuckin’ asshole shades, the half-assed stubble of a man just too douchey to bother with shaving today, and the fact that apparently the occasion of maybe meeting his soulmate wasn’t significant enough to him to bother with a pair of God damned jeans, he somehow had surpassed Karkat’s worst expectations. This guy was a fucking tool.
So, yeah, his internet personality had provided a pretty accurate picture, then.
Dave looked up from his phone, which he smoothly pocketed, and waved a hand as Jade and Karkat approached.
“At least smile, douchebag, this whole meetup was your idea,” Karkat muttered to himself, just out of Dave’s earshot. He earned himself a final warning glare from Jade, who turned back to Dave with a big grin.
“Well, howdy there, little missy,” Dave drawled with the most obnoxiously fake cowboy accent to ever come from an actual Texan, “What brings a sweet little stranger like you to this neck of the woods?”
“ Uuuuuugh,” Karkat groaned.
“Yer pony’s cute, too,” Dave added on with a barely-visible smirk, his face turned directly at Karkat. The motherfucker.
Jade rolled her eyes and giggled. “It’s good to see you too, stranger!” she said.
“Don’t encourage him,” Karkat said.
“Shush!” Jade barked.
“So what brings you to this particular water hole?” Dave asked, still keeping up the obnoxious fake cowboy routine (and truly testing the outer limits of Karkat’s patience). He held out his hand. Skipping right to the chase, then.
Jade shifted, still visibly a bit uncomfortable, her grin dropping the slightest fraction. Still, she took a deep breath, before taking Dave’s hand in her own.
Karkat was practically holding his breath. Everyone knew what was supposed to happen now; at the first physical contact, the marks on their wrists -- an incomplete ring with a curled almost-loop on one end -- would be completed. A bright glow, a slight tinge of pain, and that would be that, if Dave was right.
Seconds passed, and...nothing. No change. Dave’s wrist was covered by the sleeve of his jacket, but Karkat could see Jade’s, completely unchanged.
“Well, fuck,” Dave said, dropping his hand (and the fake cowboy accent, thank God. He still definitely had an accent, but it was at least a real one). Karkat bit down on the triumphant cry that sprang to his throat, but allowed himself to feel smug regardless; the way Strider’s stupid fucking face fell was a treat. Or, well, what Karkat could see of his stupid fucking face behind the damn sunglasses, but whatever.
Jade, however, frowned sympathetically, before asking, “Hey, cool guy, am I allowed to hug you now, or what?”
“Oh, yeah, sure,” said Dave. Jade grinned, and threw her arms around his neck.
“Sorry this didn’t work out,” she said, “but, hey! It’s really good to see you!”
“Yeah,” Dave mumbled, returning the hug in the most half-assed way possible. Karkat glared.
“For fuck’s sake,” he said, “You pushed her into testing this soulmate shit, and you were wrong! Get the fuck over it, guilt tripping her over it isn’t gonna change anything!”
Jade slipped out of the hug and threw her own warning glare at Karkat, but Dave beat her to responding.
“Okay, first of all, your input means jack shit in this exchange, so back the fuck off, maybe. But also, fuck you, I’m allowed to be goddamn disappointed,” said Dave.
“Ugh, guys,” Jade groaned. “This is supposed to be a happy thing! We’re meeting in person for the first time, that’s so cool! Can you two maybe not fight this one time?” Turning toward Karkat, she hissed, “We literally just finished talking about this!”
“We sure fucking did, Harley,” said Karkat, “and I’m not letting him bully you into anything --”
“Bully?” Dave said. “What the fuck, I’m not trying to bully her into anything! I’m not gonna beat her up and take her fucking lunch money over not being my fucking soulmate. Whatever crawled up your ass and died must be startin’ to decompose, because I can smell your shitty attempts at making me the bad guy from all the way over here!”
“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” Jade groaned.
“Attempt nothing, I am fully fucking succeeding in calling out your fecal-encrusted attitude, you spineless, obnoxious, scraggly excuse for a pile of garbage vaguely shaped like a human being!”
“At least I’m shaped like a human, then. You look like something my neighbor’s dog coughed up.”
“And now it’s just insults and name-calling. Okay. Dunno why I thought you two could maybe behave for once,” Jade said.
“That thing’s got a fuckin’ stomach disorder or something, too,” Dave continued, apparently not noticing Jade’s comment. “So we’re talkin just the grossest, weirdest, grayish, sludgey puke you can fuckin’ imagine, complete with hairs and grass and chunks of God knows what all sittin’ on your driveway every morning come eight am, like clockwork. That’s you.”
“Why are you like this,” Karkat said, unable to keep the disgust off his face. “Why do you constantly feel the need to just latch onto the most unnecessarily vulgar comparison you can find, and somehow make it grosser? Wait, no, I know, it’s because you are the universe’s biggest, most vile, most absolutely disgusting asshole, so of course everything to come out of that gaping orifice you dare to call a mouth is complete and utter shit!” Karkat was really shouting now, balling his hands into fists. “And if you think I’m just gonna stand by and let you spew your brain’s verbal diarrhea all over my really good fucking friend, you’re in for the biggest fucking kicking you’ve ever had, you literal goddamn asshole!!”
“What, you wanna fight? Please, I’ve taken shits bigger than you, what do you think you’re gonna do to me, huh?” Dave said, spreading his arms wide.
Karkat felt his last bit of patience snap. Fuck Strider, fuck his goddamn pajamas and his stupid shades and his stupid face. With an honest to god growl, Karkat shoved the douchebag, achieving nothing but getting the asshole to stagger back a few paces (and injuring his own wrist in the process, but he ignored the brief sting to keep scowling).
“If it’s a fight you want, you giant insufferable hipster prick, you sure as fuck got one! I’ll give you the thrashing of your pointless God damned life, just you -- what the fuck are you doing?” Karkat yelled. Dave had been shaking his hand slightly as Karkat spoke. He’d pulled down his sleeve slightly and was staring at his wrist, not even reacting to anything Karkat said. Jade was glancing between the two of them, concern and confusion on her face.
“What the fuck,” Dave said softly.
Several crudely drawn dots connected in order to light up the world’s shittiest, ugliest lightbulb in Karkat’s head.
Oh.
Oh, fuck no.
“No,” Karkat said out loud, and then louder, for added emphasis, “No!” In a brief panic, he checked his own wrist, and, yup, there it was, one completed fucking soul mark. Jade’s face was slowly breaking into a smile, and Strider was still staring, dumbstruck, at his own mark.
“Fuck this, no!!” Karkat said, gesturing wildly. “What kind of fucking bullshit is -- no fucking way! This isn’t just bullshit, this is a fucking avalanche of turds straight from the world’s most incontinent steer after a misguided visit to fucking Taco Bell. This is an absolute travesty of romance to put fucking Twilight to shame, crying with its complete and total humiliation as it sits alone in a closet shovelling ice cream into its mouth, this is -- this is!!” Karkat was pacing away, now, waving his arms and shouting at the top of his lungs. People were really starting to stare, now; someone stopped playing frisbee with their dog to pull out their phone and record the incident. Karkat couldn’t bring himself to care. People wanted to enjoy his fucking fury? Sure, whatever. Have fun, assholes.
Jade, unfortunately, seemed to be one of those assholes. She’d turned away and was visibly (and audibly) trying and failing to stifle her snorting giggles. Karkat continued screeching and ranting as Dave dropped his arm and ran his other hand through his hair.
“What the fuck,” Dave said, again. “How in the fuck does…” With a groan, he threw back his head and glared up at the sky. “Hope you’re having a fucking laugh up there,” he yelled, “because this shit’s so far from funny it’s...Can’t even come up with a good fuckin’ metaphor, I’m too mad, fuckin. Jade, come on, you’re not helping here.”
“I’m sorry,” Jade wheezed out between giggles, “I just -- that’s so perfect, oh my god!” She helplessly lapsed back into laughter, as Dave buried his face in his hands.
“Fuck everything,” he snapped, just as Karkat ended his rant with a furious “Fuck this!!” It was at this point that Jade fell backwards hard onto her butt, clutching her stomach and howling with laughter, all pretense of hiding her merriment abandoned.
“Dammit, Harley, this isn’t funny!” Karkat shouted.
“I think,” Jade gasped, “I think that’s the first thing, haha, the first thing I’ve ever seen you two actually agree on!” She snorted at that, tears pricking at the corners of her eyes. “The one time you two aren’t at each other’s throats, and it’s this?!” Another burst of laughter, and then, “ I guess you two really are meant for each other hehehehehahahahaha!! ”
Karkat and Dave both snapped their heads to look at each other, with twin expressions of horror and disgust.
“Uh, how about fuck no?” Dave said. “This is a fucking joke is what it is. I’m not destined to hook up with the fucking angry hobbit here, there’s literally no fucking way.”
“Yeah, I’m -- hobbit? Really? You’re gonna bring my fucking height into this again , Captain Beanpole?”
“I sure the fuck am. You must be at least this tall to ride the rides, asshole.”
“Have fun banging your head on the doorframes while I’m kicking your goddamn shins, you giant fuck --”
Jade was snorting and wheezing again, and it was really fucking distracting. “You guys even sound like an old married couple, oh my god how did we not see this?” she said.
“Because there’s nothing to see!” Dave shouted. “This is horseshit! There’s literally no fucking way we’re goddamn soulmates!”
“I’ve seen shitty romcoms with more believable pairs than us,” said Karkat. “I will prostrate myself naked before the fucking god of sandpaper as a ritual sacrifice before I concede to this. I would rather let them flay every scrap of skin from my body in horrible painful agonizing grinding than even consider the possibility that this is happening. There is not a single timeline of any fucking reality where I will accept that we’re ever going to be a fucking couple, do you understand me, Strider?”
“Not….really that first part, no, but whatever, sign me up for the fucking sandpaper orgy or whatever, too, I guess. Fuck this. I gotta...I’m sorry, Jade, we can hang later, I gotta get back home. Can’t deal with this now.” Dave was visibly agitated, shifting his weight back and forth as he spoke. Coward was looking for an excuse to get away, probably, but Karkat, for once, couldn’t bring himself to call it out. The sooner they all got out of here, the better. This whole fiasco was fucking humiliating.
Jade managed to choke out a goodbye between her gasping cackles, while Karkat turned to glaring out at the embarrassingly large number of onlookers.
“Move the fuck on, show’s over,” he snapped. “There’s nothing else to see. Go melt your brains watching some other fucker’s misfortune, you greedy vultures. Come on, Jade, stop laughing already and let’s get out of here.”
