Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Having a soulmate was rare. Not like winning-the-lottery rare but more like a dog walking on its hind legs sort of rare. Rare in the way you know it happens, probably more often than you think, but you just don’t really expect it.

Most people know at least one person who has a soulmate, often times more. When telling someone you have a soulmate it’s almost like telling them you have a tattoo, in response you get a mild interest, maybe some questions. But in the end no one really cares a whole lot.

Kiara discovers she has a soulmate at six years old. When she’s left alone with a collection of markers while her mum makes lunch and she stops her colouring, moving the green marker up to her skin. On her wrist she write’s as neat as she can:

Kiara.

She’s always been curious, but never tested it before, if the writing would show up on someone else’s skin. That’s how you know. No one knows why or how it happens but that’s how you know you have a soulmate. That’s how you’re connected.

Nothing happens, and she resigns herself to the fact that she was already sure of, she doesn’t have a soulmate and she goes back to colouring.

It’s not until later when she’s eating a peanut butter sandwich that her mother gasps and grabs her wrist.

"Oh, sweetie," she says with a soft affection.

Right below her name is another one.

Jack.

The letters are written in black ballpoint pen and are concerningly neat. Concerningly because no six-year-old has handwriting like that. What if her soulmate is old? She doesn’t want that.

Anna sees her staring at it with worry and all but reads her mind when she assures her that his mother probably wrote it for him. She looks at the name again. Jack. She likes it.

Her mum starts fussing about how exciting it all is, about how she can’t wait until her dad gets home to tell him. You see, they’re soulmates; Mike and Anna. There’s been no evidence to suggest that having soulmate parents makes it more likely that you’ll have one, but she knows Anna always hoped. According to her, it's the most wonderful thing in the world. 

Kiara wishes she could feel the same excitement. In some ways, she does, about the mystery and uniqueness of it all. But it just feels so definite. After the briefest stroke of a pen, her entire life has been decided. Even at six years old she knows there’s something about that she doesn’t quite like. Even at six years old she knows the kind of weight it holds. That weight sits in her stomach and turns into lead. 

But she ignores it because mum says this is a good thing, and mum always knows best. 

***

They don’t really talk. Not at first. Most soulmates use the connection as a messaging system to get to know each other before they meet. She’s sure they’ll do that one day, but at only six she can’t read or write well enough to do it. She figures Jack can’t either, seeing as he had to have someone else write his name for him. 

She does draw for him sometimes. She’s been practising, her dad says she’ll be a famous artist some day. She mostly uses paper, but some days, when she has markers or paints and she’s thinking about Jack, she’ll use her skin as the paper. Once or twice he draws a small smiley face next to the picture, most of the time there’s nothing, but she keeps doing it, hoping that he likes them. 

There were days when she was younger that her mum would get mad at her for drawing anywhere other than paper but now she just looks at the pictures on her skin and smiles. 

***

When she’s eight they have their first conversation. 

Jack’s handwriting is messy, and he can’t spell very well. She should be annoyed about having the ugly scrawl on her, or screw up her nose at the thought her soulmate is dumb. But she doesn’t. It doesn't bother her and it’s strange. 

The words appear on her stomach, in blue pen, large and upside down so she can read it by looking down. The words worry her, and seem far heavier than she’d expect from an eight-year-old boy. 

will u lov me?

She has to think about her answer. Picks up a pen her dad got her for the start of school that has a squishy turtle on the end. She doesn’t know if she’ll love him. She knows she’s supposed to, that it’s expected. She knows that according to the universe she’s destined to love him. But he is a stranger, and she can't make a promise like that. Especially when the question seems so desperate. 

I will try. 

Is her answer and it feels honest. She hopes it’s enough. 

I wood never hurt you

There’s something about the statement that makes her heart drop. Something that makes her wonder why the young boy feels the need to make her that promise. 

It’s too much for her. She doesn't want to deal with it. So she pulls her shirt back down and puts the pen away. 

***

They start talking more. She wouldn’t say they talk a lot, but now and then some words appear on her, or she gets bored and starts a conversation. 

She likes Jack. Or at least she thinks she does. As much as you can like someone that you’ve never met and have only got to know by brief conversations sprawled across your skin.

He likes surfing and taught himself apparently. She’s always wanted to learn. He offers to teach her one day when she tells him that. Something stirs in her at the thought of that. Or the thought of a future that they share, where he teaches her things just because he wants to. Just because he loves her. She thinks she might like that. 

Anna always zeroes in on the writing, seems to be able to notice the second she enters the room. Kiara always feels self-conscious under her gaze, the knowing smile she gives her. The way she looks like she’s already planning the wedding between her child and a complete stranger. 

She starts wearing clothes that cover up the words. It’s painfully obvious after that, when she’s been talking to Jack, but she prefers it to anyone being able to read what they’ve been saying to each other. Even if they are just talking about how much homework sucks. The worst part of it is that she lives on a stinking hot island and forces herself into jeans and long sleeves in the middle of summer.

***

On her tenth birthday, she has a sleepover with all her friends from school. They watch Titanic and not for the first time Kiara is left thinking about what Jack looks like. She wonders if he’s anything like Leo, with his shaggy blond hair and charming smile. She thinks that her Jack might be like Rose’s and the thought of it, the thought of having a love like them makes her smile. Makes her hopeful. 

Later when they are all cuddled up in their sleeping bags her friends start talking about love and boys and then of course… soulmates. How amazing they are, how much they wish they had them. Kiara remains quiet.

She’s never told her friends. She’s not sure why. Maybe it’s the fact that once people know it’s all this added pressure. Once everyone knows they just assume that all of life’s mysteries are solved for her. That she doesn’t even have to think about her future or who she will end up with because it’s all decided for her anyway. To some that may be the fantasy, to her it’s more than a little terrifying. 

Jack and Rose made her think. Because Jack and Rose weren’t soulmates. They didn’t need to be soulmates to fall deeply in love, to be an epic love story. Or maybe they were soulmates, but soulmates because they chose to be, because they chose each other, they didn’t let the universe or anyone else dictate who they should love. They chose for themselves and they got a great love for it.

Or maybe that’s why they were doomed. Why they didn’t get their happy ending. You can’t choose. It is what it is and the only way you’ll end up happy is by taking the path chosen for you without question.

She wants to think she has control over her own life. The thought of being powerless to destiny haunts her. Kiara has never been one for doing what she was told.

***

The first day of middle school is kind of terrifying. A new school, full of new people. 

What makes it slightly less terrifying is John B. A scrawny kid with more hair than anything else who sits down next to her in the first class with a beaming smile.

She likes John B. He makes jokes that have her laughing before she can stop herself, causing the teacher to give them dirty looks. He is smarter than he looks and he helps her come up with good adjectives for her summer recount. 

He asks her to have lunch with him and his friends and she agrees without a second thought. Sure, she could sit with her friends from elementary school, they had been talking all summer about how fun middle school would be and Kiara wanted to have fun. The problem was, every day it became more and more obvious that their idea of fun didn’t match hers.

They wanted to go shopping and talk about boys, and it’s not that Kiara didn’t like those things at all but she also liked other things, wanted to talk about other things. She wanted to go to beach clean-ups; save baby turtles; and learn how to surf. She thinks John B might be the kind of friend who likes those things too.

When they get to the table with John B’s friends they’re playing some game where the boy with shaggy blond hair tries to steal food from the other and continues to get his hand slapped away. They barely even look up when they sit down, don’t seem to notice she is even there until John B speaks up.

"Guys, this is Kiara."

The game quickly stops and both their heads shoot up to look at her. 

"Hey, I’m Pope," the brunette says with a small wave.

There is a silence. All the other boy does is stare at her with suspicion, almost like she’s something he stepped in. 

Pope elbows him, which is only met with a grunt.

"And this is JJ," Pope finishes for him.

Kiara offers a small smile and gets a grimace in return. Okay, so maybe JJ isn’t the warmest of people, but Pope seems nice. 

Pope and John B start up a conversation about their classes and Kiara notices now that their game has finished Pope’s lunch has become free game, sitting between the two. JJ picking at in silence, occasionally shooting her worried looks. 

"Hey, that’s cool!" John B says as she’s taking a drink of water from her hydro flask.

His excitement is not about her eco-friendly drink storage but more about the flower drawn in pink and purple on her wrist, exposed by her bell sleeve dropping down with her movements. She’d drawn it that morning to try and calm her nerves about the new school year, part of her had hoped Jack would say something. He hadn’t. 

He'd been responding to her drawings less and less over the years. She's been sharing them less and less, feeling like it bothered him.

With no concern to personal space John B reaches out and grabs her arm, pulls it over to him, laying it out on the table for everyone to see while inspecting it.

"Did you draw it?"

She nods a tight-lipped smile on her face - feeling a little self-conscious. 

"Woah, you’re so talented."

His fingers trace the lines of her drawing, running over her skin with a level of comfort that seems disproportionate to the amount of time they’ve known each other. 

"You know what would be cool?" he muses, "If you had a soulmate. Then you could, like, draw stuff for them.’

"I don’t really think he likes them," It just kind of comes out before she can think. She’s never told anyone she has a soulmate, and never really planned on it either. Maybe after she had met him, but not randomly to three boys she just met.

"You have a soulmate?" Pope gasps.

His question goes completely ignored, however, when at the same moment the boy next to him speaks for the first time since they sat down.

"Why do you think that?"

All three of their heads snap to JJ in shock and he seems just as stunned, like for a moment he forgot he had decided he didn’t like her.

He blinks a couple of times, swallows hard and then shrugs his shoulders casually. "I mean- it’s just. It’s a pretty cool drawing. Why wouldn’t he like it?"

She’s been thinking about that, part of her just thought maybe her drawings weren’t good. He doesn’t say much about them, but now instead of smiley face, on occasion asks her to wash it off so he doesn't have to hide it. She still does it, partly because she likes it and likes doing it for him, it’s like a way to express her emotions and for him to get to know her without them having to speak. Partly, because she’s petty and doesn’t care if he likes or not.

"I don’t know,"she looks down at the table, shy about the amount of vulnerability she's showing these boys, "I guess, I don't think he likes having them on him most the time."

"Sounds like an idiot," Pope says, "I’d kill to have that show up on me."

"Yeah, totally. Your soulmate do anything like this for you, JJ?"

JJ has a soulmate?   She looks back at him, his face has gone completely white and he’s staring daggers at John B.

"You have a soulmate too?"

She’s never met someone her age with a soulmate before, that she knows of. It gives her a bit of hope that maybe she and JJ could be friends. They could talk about their soulmates, and maybe he has the same worries as her. 

JJ doesn’t respond so she tries again, "What’s their name?"

He looks down and again doesn’t answer.

"JJ doesn’t talk about her," Pope explains.

"Yeah, apparently it’s none of our fucking business," John B puts on a deep voice to mock JJ.

"Oh."

So much for that then.

Not that she blames him. It’s not like she’s desperate to talk to people about Jack.

Just as quickly as it came, the talk of soulmates leaves and JJ asks if they are going for a surf that afternoon.

Kiara perks up at the mention of that, she knew they were gonna be the type of people she wanted to be around. They don’t invite her, not that she expected they would, but she likes the idea that maybe one day they will.

***

That weekend she gets out her paints and sits on her balcony, looking out the horizon and paints the sunset onto her thigh. 

A couple of minutes after she’s finished, clear as day below the painting, like a signature is a simple:

:)

She bites her lip to contain her smile as she looks down at the writing and then races into her room to find a pen. Once she’s settled again she writes underneath it.

Any requests?

It only takes a moment.

The ocean?

That she can do. 

She paints a wave. Like the ones she’ll watch while sitting on the beach, thinking about taking a board out and just figuring it out.

The greens and blues blend together, before coming into white at the top, perfectly contrasting against her skin. She can’t help but think how it looks against his.

This is my favourite one 

He writes when she’s done and she leaves it at that. She pulls on a pair of loose linen pants when she gets called down for dinner, leaving the exchange just between them. She can’t hide the beaming smile on her face, but she’s thankful that if her mother notices she doesn’t say anything.

***

The three boys quickly become her best friends. Her old friends start rumours about her giving all three of them handjobs behind the bike shed, and everyone looks down on her for slumming with a bunch of pogues but she doesn’t care. Their eyes don’t glaze over when she talks about this coral reef rehabilitation initiative she heard about, even if they aren’t super interested, they listen.

Except maybe JJ. 

He’s warming to her for sure. Sometimes he’ll laugh at her jokes, or they’ll have a normal conversation, or he’ll playfully pick on her like he does with Pope and John B. But then almost like he’s catching himself out for actually being nice to her, he’ll stop and withdraw again. She doesn’t know what she did, knows she didn’t do anything because he was like that from the start, but she still wants to win him over because Kiara Carrera has yet to meet a fight she couldn’t win. 

The first time they ask her to come surfing with them she’s overcome with excitement, quickly followed by disappointment. It feels like an official initiation into their little group and she wants nothing more than to be one of them but she still doesn’t know how to surf, and she doesn't want to miss out because of that.

When she tells them that she doesn’t actually know how JJ surprises everyone by offering to teach her.

"Really?" Her surprise mimics Pope and John B’s as they all turn to him with raised eyebrows. 

"Yeah," He shrugs. "I mean. I’m the best surfer, you’ll never learn if you let these guys do it."

Both boys protest but something makes her think that they know it’s true.

They go on the weekend. Pope and John B head out to the water while she stays on the sand with JJ. He hands her a board, it’s old and faded but he tells her that it belonged to his mother, it’s bigger and more heavier so it’ll be good for her while she’s getting started, apparently.

It’s not bad. They practice on the dying waves in the shallows of the ocean and she mostly knows what she has to do. JJ is surprisingly patient as he explains the technique to her and even smiles and laughs with her. That is until once again she slips off and crashes into the water, thankfully deep enough that she doesn’t hit the sand, and he just snaps.

"Jesus Christ! That wouldn’t keep happening if you just listened to me!"

Kiara pushes her wet hair off her face and stares at him, barely able to understand his dramatic mood shift.

"I am listening," she says firmly, but trying her best not to sink to his level of unnecessary anger.

"It’s not that fucking hard, Kiara!"

He picks up the abandoned board and starts walking over to her.

"I’m trying," Her hands find her hips and she glares at him. "Don’t yell at me."

"I’m not yelling," He doesn’t yell that time but she still doesn’t love his tone.

He stands in front of her but she doesn’t back down, meeting his hard stare and not letting him intimidate her. 

The board drops out of his grasp and hits the water with more force than if he had just dropped it.

"Just figure it out yourself. This is waste of my fucking time."

He storms off before she can get another word in. Goes to the shore and picks up his own board, then heads back straight past her without a word, out to meet the other boys. 

What she wants to do is yell after him, to call him an asshole and say thanks for nothing but he’s gone before she can properly register what happened. So instead she picks up the board and tries again and again, remembering JJ’s words from when he was trying to be helpful and lets her instincts take over. 

She thinks of Jack, teaching himself when he was younger by wiping out - if he could do it so could she.

Eventually, she reaches a point where she’s confidently paddling out to the boys. They all stop and watch her, letting her take the next wave. To her relief, she stays up long enough to not completely embarrass herself. She’s still shaky on her legs and as she rides the wave she does nothing special but she does do it until the waves take her over and she’s taken under the water.

There are claps and yells of encouragement coming from Pope and John B when she resurfaces. JJ sits in silence but he’s watching with a small smile on his face, like he’s impressed and maybe even a little proud. Knowing that she could prove him wrong fills her with satisfaction, and maybe a little hope that she’s winning him over.

They stay out and with each wave Kiara gets better and better, learning from her mistakes and her body taking over. What helps even more is when JJ starts offering her tips, with a grin and words of encouragement. She should be annoyed that now he’s over his mood he’s just pretending it never happened, but she's so excited about feeling like one of them that she doesn’t care.

John B pulls her under his arm and into his side when they finally come back up the beach.

"Not bad for your first time, hey?" Kiara wraps an arm around his middle and grins up at him, "Must be the pogue in you. You’ll be as good as us in no time."

He lets go and jogs ahead of her a little, she hears JJ call from behind her.

"A three-legged raccoon could be as good as you, man."

John B reaches his arm back to blindly flip off his friend as he continues to walk up to their towels. Silently, JJ falls into step with her.

"I guess you didn’t need my help after all," he says, breaking the silence.

Kiara looks up at him and she’s glad he has the good sense to look a little sheepish about it all. She hardens her face because she’s not just going to let him get away with it.

"Guess not."

JJ’s face drops and he looks at his feet at her harsh voice. She feels satisfaction at knowing it has hit the way it was supposed to for about a second before she realises JJ’s remark had probably been an olive branch, and she does actually want to be his friend. 

"So, when are you gonna teach me that twist thing?" She keeps her voice light, takes a leap of faith and playfully bumps her shoulder with his, offering him a smile.

His head snaps to look at her, taken off guard for a moment but then he chuckles lightly and bumps her shoulder back. "Don’t get ahead of yourself now, Kie."

She has to bite her bottom lip to stop from smiling like a dope. Kie. She likes the sound of that. 

***

She tells Jack she’s learning to surf and he says they should go surfing together sometime. 

For the first time the thought of meeting him, of doing something with him, doesn’t terrify her. 

That night she dreams of the waves and the water and the faceless boy cheering her on as he teaches her his favourite tricks.

***

For three years life almost seemed perfect. Too good to be true level of perfect, she should have known in highsight. 

She’s got three best friends who mean the world to her and she means the world to in return. They spend every possible moment together, surfing and fishing and doing whatever they want. 

When she turns 13 her parents get her a ring as a present. Her mother stops her as she goes to slip it onto her finger, telling her that it doesn’t go on that one.

"It's a purity ring," she explains and Kie’s face drops.

She’s only a day a teenager but she still knows how outdated the concept of virginity is and has no desire to pledge herself to a life of someone else's definition of purity.

"I had one when I was your age," Anna is practically beaming as she continues, "It shows that you’re spoken for, a sign that you have a soulmate waiting for you, that you are waiting for. And the day you finally find your perfect match you can take it off."

Kie feels sick. For so many reasons she doesn’t even know where to start. The idea of everyone knowing that she’s already, what were her mother’s words? Spoken for. The familiar feeling of crushing finality at the idea that her whole life is already planned out, that she’s confined to this life, with this person that she doesn't even know. No choice in the matter.

But Anna looks too happy, and she hates to disappoint, so she slides on the ring and figures that if she doesn't believe in its meaning then it can’t have any control over her. 

***

Big John gets John B a boat for his 14th birthday. He takes them out on the marsh and teaches all of them how to drive it, as long as they promise not to tell anyone he let them while they are still underage. They dub it the HMS Pogue and Big John makes it very clear John B can’t take it out when he’s not around. But Big John is gone as much he’s around that summer – their last summer – and they decide what he doesn’t know can’t hurt him. And really, are you breaking the rules if you don’t get caught? 

Their last summer. That’s what she keeps thinking of it as, that’s what it feels like even though it doesn’t have to be. Not if they don’t let it be. But ever since her parents told her she’s going to Francis Cooke Academy for high school – the Kook academy – it has felt like she’s living on borrowed time. Like if she isn’t going to the same school as the boys, seeing them everyday, they will forget about her. Stop caring.

She’s stewed on it for weeks until John B one day asks her what’s wrong, and all of a sudden it all just comes spilling out, a flurry of words and tears about how her life is over. The boys don’t hesitate – they wrap their arms around her, all four of them falling into a tangle of limbs as they reassure her that nothing will change, that no matter what they will alway be The Pogues. 

They smoke weed for the first time that night. JJ’s finally convinced his cousin Yaz to sell him some and the three – because Pope insisted one of them needed to stay sober – of them get beyond faded from a couple puffs of a messily rolled joint in John B’s backyard. In that moment, just briefly, she believes them. Nothing will have to change. 

When everyone goes to bed she finds a ballpoint pen and draws on her ankle something she titles with ‘meaning of the universe’. Her vision is clear and concise and she falls asleep knowing Jack will understand. In the morning she looks at it and it’s just a mess of scribbles that couldn’t even pass for abstract but she can’t help but smile when she notices the red pen scrawled on her foot below it.

your geneous never ceases to amaze me

She’s not sure when the words showed up, maybe she just didn’t notice it last night in the haze of her thoughts or maybe he didn’t see it until he woke up and it’s fresh.

Quickly, Kie searches around the mess of sheets for the pen to write a response, hoping Jack is still around.

you are so full of shit

It only takes a couple of minutes.

what? It’s a brilliant piece 

She talks to Jack often enough now to know he’s being sarcastic, more often than not that’s what they do – joke and talk shit and distract each other from real life. Kie considers her next words before writing them.

so I might have gotten high last night

really? And here i thought you’d just gotten really shit at drawing 

Kiara laughs as the response forms, and wonders if it’s as hard for him to write as it is for her to read as the words curl around her foot awkwardly. She moves to the side of her foot, twisting it around to get the best angle. 

What happened to ‘brilliant’?

i lied

Kie grins down at the response, tries to imagine how his voice would sound saying the words. How his lips would twitch, the teasing tone. She comes up blank and falls back down into the pillows.

Over the years, Jack has become this constant presence in her life. Usually only for brief moments of time, where they share jokes, or observations about life, or he bullshits an art critic's review of her work. But it’s slowly becoming more and more often, and this mystery boy has somehow turned into one of the most consistent things in her life. 

It’s times like these, when she’s smiling ear to ear at some joke he made, her stomach fluttering ever so slightly, that she thinks that maybe, one day, she could fall in love with him.

The sound of a door creaking open breaks her from her daze and she cranes her neck to see JJ sleepily shuffle out of John B’s room. Kie slides her foot as subtly as she can under the pile of blankets at the end of the bed. She still doesn’t like everyone else knowing when she’s been talking to Jack, even though most of the time her clothing choice makes it more than obvious. She likes having their conversations just between them, she certainly doesn’t want other people reading what they write to each other, even if it is perfectly innocent. 

JJ doesn’t seem to notice, sidetracked by a yawn that makes his face scrunch as his hand passes through his hair, morphing into a much more stylised dishevelment than its previous mess of sleep. While he’s discarded his shirt at some point in the night he’s still got on his shorts and thick boot socks from last night. Must have been too lazy to take them off, Kiara notes as he shuffles further into the room and towards her on the pull out. 

‘John B’s still out to it,’ he mutters, rubbing a tired eye. ‘Snoring like a fucking trooper.’

JJ flops down onto the mattress next to her, pushing a cheek into her stomach and wrapping an arm around her middle. Kie lets out a small laugh at him as he sleepily cuddles into her.

He’s always been like this, with all of them. Physically affectionate and always craving their touch. It’s something reserved for just them, the people he trusts the most. Anyone else he almost flinches from, but The Pogues? He seeks them out, the gentle touches, the soft cuddles.

If Kie allowed herself to think she’s in any way qualified to psychoanalyze that she would say it’s because of his dad, craving the affection that is so absent at home, needing to know that he can be touched softly, be treated with kindness. JJ never talks about it, but she hasn’t missed the bruises that always pop up on him, darker and more often than what could just be blamed on being a reckless young boy, the way he’s always tense when his dad is around, the gruff demeanor of his and the empty bottles – pills and alcohol alike – strewn around his house on the rare occasion they visit. Every time he’s hurt and he tells them some story about falling out of a tree or tripping over on the jetty, none of them ever really believe him but they also know better than to question him on it.

Her heart aches for her friend. She wants nothing more in this world than to help him, to get him out of that house and away from that man. But she also knows that reporting it may not make things better for JJ.

So she does the best she can, does all she can to remind him that he is loved and that people will treat him with kindness. She reaches down and pushes her hand through his hair, stroking it and dragging her nails along his scalp the way she knows he likes and that makes him push into it like a cat.

He lets out a soft sigh against her and his hand stands wandering, coming down over her thigh. He reaches the top of the blanket, draped carelessly over her calves, seems to hesitate for a moment before pushing it down slightly. Kie instantly tenses, remembering the words scattered across her ankle and foot and tries to push it down further, keep them hidden. 

She’s not sure if he notices or if she had just overreacted to his aimless wandering hand but he pulls it back, resting it next to his face on her stomach once more. His fingers drum against her skin for a moment as they lay in silence. 

‘Don’t forget about us, okay?’ His voice startles her, the sudden breaking of the silence, the quiet tone. He tilts his head back to look at her and she can see the vulnerability written over his face, the genuine worry that something as small as a different school could tear them apart. In a way it’s comforting to know she’s not the only one to have those worries. Seeing them coming from someone else makes her realise how stupid the thought is. These are her boys, her family, nothing could tear them apart.

‘Never,’ she promises, offering him a reassuring smile.

JJ smiles back weakly, nodding before looking down again, curling into her side and letting sleep wash over him once more.

She hadn’t meant to lie. It wasn’t supposed to be a lie. When she said it she meant it, she believed it. She never did forget them, in the end, but she did leave them.

***

Those first couple of months at the Kook Academy are lonely. And awful. 

Her old friends from primary school are all there, only now they hate her guts for ditching them for a bunch of Pogues. To them, she’s just a Pogue trying to play rich – which is quite ironic as Kie has exactly zero interest in playing rich girl when she knows that’s not her. 

It’s months of loneliness and whispers behind her back. Middle school rumours of handjobs behind bike sheds turn into gangbangs. She tries her best to ignore them, to move through the halls with her head down and just get through the day. Of course she still has the boys, after school and weekends as much as they can, less and less as the high school homework begins to rain down and she starts working at the Wreck. They’re still there but it just isn’t the same.

There’s only one shining light in it all, and it’s Jack. Someone to talk to during the day, someone to make her smile when the cruel words around campus start to get to her. She actually becomes thankful for the stupid unifrom, being able to pull up her skirt or sleve to write her messages and then hide them once more without any suspicion. 

They talk about school, Kie complains about mean girls and Jack offers to kick their asses – and then backtracks to teach her how to kick their asses. They talk about how Algebra is kicking his ass and one day while she’s in Spanish he writes an equation on her wrist with a bunch of question marks surrounding it. She laughs but doesn't respond until another message comes through.

help me

Kiara grins and looks around the room to make sure no one is paying attention to her, then pulls her shirt sleeve back.

Im not helping you cheat

please im dying

I believe in you

She says simply, refusing to admit that she had no clue how to do it either. Seriously, what the fuck is up with algerbra? And then covers her sleeve over her wrist again before anyone notices. 

In turning her attention back to the front of the room her eyes pass over Sarah Cameron, who is eyeing her wrist suspiciously. Kie quickly pulls it away, hiding it under her desk as if the other girl would have been able to see through the white fabric of the shirt covering up her conversation.

Sarah’s eyes flick up to meet hers and then after a moment she faces back up to the front of the class.

It’s a couple days later when Sarah comes up to her locker, books pulled to her chest, leaning against the wall of lockers with a smile on her face like it’s the most normal thing in the world. 

There’s a pause and Kiara’s not sure which urge is stronger, the one to run away or the one to throw up. She ignores them both and just stands there, preparing for the worst.

‘Do you have a soulmate?’ she asks bluntly. Straight to the point.

‘I- what?’ It’s not that Kie didn’t suspect that Sarah was onto her, she just didn’t expect her to ask her out right. ‘Why would you think that?’

‘You’re always writing on yourself,’ Sarah states as if it’s obvious.

Ignoring the fact that somehow someone like Sarah Cameron takes enough notice of her to pick up on something she always does, Kie just shrugs in her best effort to brush off the question.

‘I just- I like drawing. That’s all.’

‘Yeah, but you always grin at it. You know, like you’re talking to someone.’ 

Kie opens her mouth to say something, to deny it but nothing comes out. She looks around awkwardly, as if anything in this godforsaken place will save her. ‘I- um…’

‘Hey, it’s okay.’ Sarah reaches out and touches her arm, and something rushes through her. ‘I’m not going to tell anyone. I was just… curious.’

Swallowing slowly, Kie nods. She doesn't know why she just believes Sarah when she says that, but there's something so genuine about the look on her face that she just does.

‘Okay. Thanks.’ With that Kie shuts her locker and leaves, heading down the hall.

‘Wait.’ Sarah calls after her, jogging a little to catch up. ‘Do you wanna hang out tonight?’

Kiara stops in her tracks. What?

‘What?’

Sarah clears her throat and looks almost nervous. 

‘There’s this ahhh…. Turtle nest. And, they think they will hatch soon. So I was going to go and keep an eye on them.’ She pulls her books further into her chest and looks down at her feet then back up again. ‘You’re into this kind of stuff, right?’

Saving baby turtles? Yeah, she’s kinda into that stuff.

‘Um, yeah. Yeah, I am.’ With a nervous swallow Kie nods. ‘Okay, sure.’

It feels like a joke or a prank when her mother drops her off at Tannyhill – grinning ear to ear because her daughter’s finally made a kook friend, and a Cameron nonetheless. All Kie feels is dread, this pit in her stomach that tells her she’ll have to call her mum again in shame to pick her up because Sarah and all her friends are there laughing at her for thinking anyone actually wanted to hang out with her. Or after Kie realises the only reason Sarah cares is because she wants to ask her a million questions about soulmates and doesn't actually like her.

But when she gets there Sarah grabs her by the hand, an almost blinding smile on her lips, as they head to the beach.

The eggs end up hatching that night. She and Sarah protect the little baby turtles on their way to the water, and afterwards they laugh and hug and Kie isn’t sure what this feeling is but she knows she doesn't ever want to forget it. 

Doesn’t want to forget the way Sarah looks smiling at her, the wind blowing her hair around, glowing in the moonlight. 

It’s the best night of her life.

***

She doesn't mean for it to happen. She honestly, truly, doesn't even realise she’s doing it until it’s too late. But she feels drunk on Sarah, on her life, on being her friend, on just being in her presence. She wants to spend all her time with the other girl, which means cancelling on the Pogues, not making it to their usual hangouts because Sarah wants to do something.

It’s not until the Pogue group chat – which admittedly she hasn’t been keeping track of as well as she once did – has been silent for a couple days that she realises it isn’t the Pogue group chat anymore. She almost gets mad, that they would make a new one without her, until she realises it’s been well over a month since she last saw them, too many blow offs and flat out ignored messages in between to be able to justify being upset about the outcome.

She almost sends a message to them, an offer to hang out, an olive branch of free burgers from The Wreck, but then Sarah sits down next to her at their lunch table, talking about the party Scarlet is planning for the weekend, and just like that her phone is forgotten.

And just like that she’s no longer a Pogue.

***

And then there’s Jack.

She has Sarah at school now so she doesn’t need him to keep her company. Sure, they still talk, but her responses start getting further and further between. More strategic, too, because she doesn’t want to be covered in writing when she and Sarah are together.

Of course she still cares about him, of course he still makes her laugh, but these days soulmates, Jack , seem insignificant. Because Sarah Cameron is not her soulmate, but Kie can’t imagine anything could ever make her heart beat faster than when Sarah smiles at her. 

It wasn’t something she planned, it wasn’t a decision she made exactly. It just happens one day when she’s sitting by the pool at Tannyhill. She’s on one of the lounges, cross legged, an art book balancing on her legs as she moves the pencil to try and trace the gentle slope of Sarah’s nose.

The girl in question sits on the edge of the pool, one leg dangling in the water, leaning back on her hands, looking off into the distance and a perfectly practiced casual indifference. Her light blue bikini sticks out beautifully against her tan skin and Kie tries her best to capture the way the light bounces off her, finding herself being distracted by her form more often than not.

Sarah turns her head to Kie and smiles. Without lifting her eyes from the page, Kie pushes her lips together trying to hide the beaming smile and rosy cheeks that have grown under her gaze. 

‘Don’t move,’ Kiara tells her.

‘I’m not.’ Her voice is as light as air, as she represses a giggle.

Kie lifts her head and raises an eyebrow. ‘Look away again.’ She points with her pencil and Sarah obeys.

‘How much longer?’

‘A while,’ Kie tells her, delicately shifting her hand. ‘I wanna get it right.’

‘It’s gonna be great, Kie.’

‘You know I don’t do people a lot.’

Part of her is worried that Sarah is going to hate it. Part of her is worried that she won’t be able to do her justice. Typically she sticks to landscapes, people are so much harder. But she agreed, because Sarah asked. And she’d be lying if she said she doesn’t enjoy the uninterrupted time to study her best friend.

‘Still. It’s gonna be great.’

Sarah’s ever present belief in her warms Kie, she can feel the redness in her cheeks get darker.

They fall back into a comfortable silence, the only sound is the soft music playing from Sarah’s phone. As she shifts her grip on the book she catches a glimpse of her wrist, on it some messily written words.

Kiara?

Can you talk?

She brings the wrist in front of her to read the words properly. She’s just wondering how long they’ve been there when more ink appears.

Please?

Kie’s eyes flick up to Sarah and then back down to her wrist, with a small breath she moves her art pad on the chair, grabs a pen from her pencil case and stands.

‘I’ll be back in a minute.’ She tells Sarah as she heads for the house.

‘Where are you going?’ Sarah calls after her but she doesn’t give an answer, hoping that her friend can just assume she’s going to the bathroom.

She locks the door behind her and sits on the closed toilet lid when she gets inside.

What is it?

She writes, and hopes it doesn’t sound too short. Clearly Jack needs something and she’s trying really hard to not be annoyed, but it’s not a great time for her, and there’s only so much time she has before Sarah starts getting suspicious. And well, these days Kie likes to keep the reminders for Sarah that she has a soulmate to the minimum.

Something happened.

And i just wanted to talk to you

Kie reads the message and her brow knits together. Both wondering what the ‘something’ would be, and why he doesn’t have anyone else he could talk to.

Why me?

She doesn’t really get it. It’s not like they know each other, not really, she doesn’t know what she could say or do better than someone he actually knows, someone who’s there.

Isn’t that what soulmates are for?

It dawns on her in that moment that they’ve never really talked about it. About soulmates, about what they are to each other. Sure they’ve talked about the future, in vague terms, like things they would do when they meet. But they’ve never really mentioned love, apart from those few small messages she got when she was eight, and could never quite shake from her head.

She never mentioned to Jack that she doesn’t really believe in soulmates, that she doesn’t really plan on letting the fates tell her to love him. 

If you believe that i guess

What?

She doesn't want to get into it now, it seems like a much more complicated conversation than she has time for right now. And it’s not like she owes him anything, not really. Does she?

I dont have much time

She doesn't want to be rude but she feels like the clock is ticking, Sarah will probably come looking for her soon. 

He doesn’t respond and she gets anxious so she writes again.

What do you need?

Nothing

Its fine

She looks at the words and is skeptical, not quite believing them, but maybe he does have someone else to talk to.

One last look at the conversation running down her arm then Kie moves over to the sink and watches the water wash away the ink from her sink. Her ink, anyway, Jack’s stays, marking her skin in thick black letters, no hiding.

She hesitates for a moment before pulling her pen out and writing another message.

Can you wash your arm?

Why?

I just don’t want the writing on me

She watches her arm for a long, anxious minute, but eventually the marks start to fade. She cleans off her last of her words and then heads back outside to Sarah, who greets her with a warm smile.

When she’s finished the drawing she calls Sarah up to look. The girl crowds in next to her on the longue and Kie can’t deny the way her skin shivers as their arms push together.

‘Kie! It’s amazing.’ Sarah beams.

Kie can feel the heat rising to her cheeks again. 

Sarah turns to her and pulls her bottom lip between her teeth, pauses for a moment before wrapping her arms around Kie. Kie leans into it, losing herself into the sweet smell that is just so Sarah, and so damn intoxicating.

‘Can I keep it?’ Sarah asks as they pull away.

A little taken aback by the question she blinks stupidly a couple times as her brain catches up.

‘Yeah, yeah. Of course,’ she stutters out, hastily starting to rip the page out of her art book.

‘Wait.’ Sarah covers her hand over Kie’s and there's nothing Kie can do but still. ‘You have to sign it first.’

Kie turns to her friend and raises an eyebrow.

‘It’ll be worth a fortune in 10 years.’

‘I don’t know about that,’ Kie responds lamely as she scribbles her name at the bottom of the page and hands it off to Sarah.

Sarah takes it and holds it up next to her face, grinning.

‘Doesn’t really do you justice,’ Kie admits as she looks between the two.

She doesn’t think she’s imagining the blush that spreads over Sarah’s face, she certainly isn’t imagining the way she bites her lip and looks down bashfully.

After a moment Sarah is looking up again, her face pulled in confusion, Kie about to ask when she speaks.

‘What’s up with that?’ She asks, nodding down to Kiara’s thigh.

Kie looks down and the sights she’s met with makes her stomach drop. Spread across her leg in thick black letters reads:

FUCK YOU.

‘Oh,’ Kie breathes out, looks back up at Sarah and shrugs, trying to play it off. ‘It’s nothing. No big deal.’

Sarah looks at her like she doesn't quite believe her but she drops it anyway and Kie is grateful.

***

She tries a couple times. To talk to Jack again. She knows she hurt him, that maybe she should have made more effort to be there for him when he needed her. But the boy is still practically a stranger to her; she doesn’t know what she could have done.

Still, she feels bad, so she reaches out and writes some conversation starters and never gets a response. She almost says sorry but something in her stops when she realises she probably isn’t. It occurs to her that maybe this is what she’s been wanting, no soulmate. That maybe if they never talk again she can pretend she doesn’t have one and she doesn’t have to worry about destiny or fate and can just live her life and fall in love like any normal person can.

So she stops reaching out, and Jack doesn’t even try.

***

It’s the talk of the town. Big John Routledge is lost at sea, presumed dead. Her and Sarah are getting ice cream down at the marina when she first finds out. She sees the poster on one of the wharf posts and stops dead in her tracks.

‘You okay?’ Sarah asks,  either not having noticed the posters or not caring about them, not realising the significance.

Kie nods slowly and fixates on the poster for another moment before dragging her eyes away and looking at Sarah, offering her a half fake smile.

‘Yeah, fine.’

Sarah returns the smile and reaches out to grab Kiara’s hand in her own and tug her away. ‘Come on, then.’

They take a few steps further in their direction and Sarah bumps her shoulder into her and drops her hand. 

‘Weirdo,’ she says with a grin.

Even with her mind racing about the news of Big John, Kie can’t block out the disappointment of their fingers no longer being entwined. 

For weeks she wonders if she could go and see John B, to see if he’s doing okay, if he’s looking after himself. She still cares about him, all of them, of course. But there’s so much dread in the pit of her stomach at the idea of seeing them again, of how they will react. That maybe her presence would be more of an imposition than a comfort.

It’s not like she ever makes the decision not to go, but that feeling holds her back everytime and she just doesn’t.

***

The last place Kiara would ever expect to find JJ Maybank is at a Kook party in the middle of Figure Eight. The boy she knows – knew maybe is more accurate – avoids Kooks at all and any cost. 

Kie walks down the steps from the front porch to see JJ in the front garden. He waves off the couple of boys he’s talking to and Kie cautiously approaches him. She’s had just enough to drink to think it’s a good idea, to have the courage to not spin on her heel and run away. 

As she gets closer, JJ runs a hand through his fluffy hair but it’s not that arm she takes note of. Instead, she notices his other arm, covered in a cast. Her heart aches as soon as she sees it, like it always used to when she saw him injured. 

Knowing JJ, it’s just as likely that he fell out of a tree, but knowing Luke Maybank she can never be too sure. She wants to ask but she knows she forfeited that right long ago – to be there for him, to patch him up or give him a hug. Even at the best of times it wasn’t always safe to ask. JJ would do his best to play off any injury, trying to act like it’s better than it is or come up with some convincing story, but she could always tell by the way his eyes glazed over what had really happened.

She hopes the boys could tell, too, she hopes that when she left the only comfort he was getting didn’t as well.

JJ turns, and his eyes land on her. He pauses instantly, freezing in her presence. Kie almost does the same when those shining blue eyes land on her, but she only falters for a second before recovering and trying her best to put on a smile.

‘Fancy seeing you here,’ she grins, stopping in front of him.

JJ’s tongue flicks over his bottom lip. She can see the tension in his jaw as he slowly looks her up and down, not in admiration but in judgement. She’d borrowed a dress from Sarah; it’s not something she usually wears, but when Sarah playfully slapped her ass and told her she looked hot Kie was overcome with confidence, every ounce of it now disappearing under JJ’s cutting gaze.

He looks back up at her and as their eyes meet she doesn’t feel any better.

‘Yeah, I guess I don’t fit in with your crowd now, do I?’

He spits it out and Kie has to take a step back, the full force of the realisation hitting her. 

‘Don’t worry, I’m leaving.’

He moves past her and Kie really doesn't want to leave it like that. She doesn’t want the boys to hate her. She wants them to know she doesn't hate them, that it wasn’t them, it wasn’t about them being Pogues. She can’t stand the idea of them thinking they weren’t good enough for her. 

‘You don’t have to leave.’ 

JJ stops in his tracks, turns back to her and shoves his free hand in his pocket and narrows his eyes at her suspiciously.

‘I just meant – I didn’t expect you to be here, is all.’ He still doesn’t speak and she pushes once more. ‘What are you doing here anyway?’

He shrugs nonchalantly, but actually does answer her. ‘Just helping Yaz with something.’

Kie’s eyebrows shoot up. There’s very few things Yazmine Maybank would need help with in Figure Eight.

‘So, you’re dealing now?’ She tries to keep the judgment out of her voice but she can’t help it, she knows JJ is worth so much more than that.

JJ rolls his eyes dramatically. ‘I’m doing my cousin a favour.’

‘By dealing drugs,’ she pushes, probably more than she’s entitled to.

Huffing in frustration, JJ takes a step forward, looming over her and making Kie suck in a deep breath.

‘Why do you care what I do?’

‘Because I care about you, JJ.’

His lips tug into a cruel smile and he shakes his head at her. ‘That’s bullshit, Kie.’

‘I- I care about all of you, okay? Of course, I do.’ She swallows, because she knows it’s not obvious, and knows that he has no reason to believe her. ‘Just because we don’t hang out as much any-’

‘As much?’ JJ cuts her off, his voice hitting like a blow. ‘Kie, we don’t hang out at all, we don’t talk at all. You made damn sure of that.’

‘It was just hard. With the new school and…’ She can feel herself scrambling, trying to find an excuse for pulling away, ‘That doesn't mean we’re not friends.’

‘We’re not friends, Kie.’ 

She knows it by now, but hearing it from his mouth makes it hurt so much more. 

‘I’m still-’

‘Okay, then.’ JJ crosses his arms over his chest, puffing it out and she knows he’s building up to a strike. ‘How’s your friend John B doing?’

It lands and Kie’s gut drops because of everything that’s the one that she can’t just explain away, can’t justify to herself, not really, not enough to make herself believe it. She takes the smallest step back and JJ almost grins in satisfaction, knowing that he got her.

‘I’m guessing you heard about Big John, right?’ The question is rhetorical, they both know she had. And she did nothing. ‘Yeah, thought you might have. Uncle T stuck around for a bit but he’s pissed off again, couldn’t really give a fuck. John B’s fucking spiralling, got no one to give a fuck about him. Other than his friends of course, but hey, with friends like you, what more could he need?’

‘JJ, I-’ She steps towards him again but he cuts her off.

‘Fucking save it.’ He brushes past her, starting to walk off.

She follows.

‘I wanted to come.’

JJ stops again and turns to her, his soft blue eyes turning hard in a way she never saw, never expected to see, directed at her.

‘But let me guess, there was something more important on?’

‘No! I just-’

‘Look, if you wanna be a kook, with your big houses and fancy parties and be friends with Sarah fucking Cameron, ’ The way he spits Sarah’s name like it’s poison on his tongue hurts as much as his hateful gaze upon her, ‘Then be a fucking kook. But just own it, don’t act like you’re both, because we both know you’re not a pogue anymore. You never were.’

Kie is still processing, unable to speak when JJ storms off, fading into the darkness of the night.

***

In her life Kie has had three distinct friend groups. Her primary school friends from when she was young and had no clue who she was, the pogues from middle school when she was so sure of who she was and Sarah that has brought her full circle and made Kiara question everything she thought she knew about her self identity. 

Each group of friends brought significantly different meaning to the word and they did significantly different things together. When she was with the pogues she never missed any of the things she used to do before. That’s why when she became friends with Sarah she was surprised by how much she had missed sleepovers. She used to have them all the time with her elementary friends, and she never really thought she enjoyed them all that much – maybe she didn't, maybe sleepovers, like most things, were just better with Sarah – but they stopped being a thing the second she became friends with the boys. 

She knows that JJ used to (and probably still does) sleep both at John B’s and Pope’s quite a bit, and sometimes they would do it all together. Hell, there were even those rare occasions that her parents would believe her lies about Big John being there the whole time and let her stay over. Even if it was fun with the boys it’s not the same as those girly sleepovers that she used to go to as a child.

Now, it’s nearly every weekend that she packs a bag and spends the nights at Tannyhill. Sometimes they’d sneak out and go to parties, other times they would just stay in her room with junk food and movies. 

Kiara prefers the nights they stay in the most. She still doesn’t quite feel at home among the rest of the kooks, a lot of the time it feels like they only put up with her because of Sarah. And that maybe without Sarah to carry her through the social hierarchy of the kook academy she’d still be an outcast. In fact, she knows without Sarah she’d still be an outcast.

But nights like these, she gets Sarah all to herself, and that’s more than she could ever want. 

Sarah goans at her phone and drops it down to her chest. Kie next to her as they lay shoulder to shoulder on her bed. 

‘Everything okay?’ She’s snooped enough to know Sarah’s talking to her boyfriend, Colin. She couldn’t bring herself to actually read what they were talking about – Kiara realised a while ago there’s a reason she never likes any of Sarah’s boyfriends. 

Sarah turns to her and leans her cheek on the pillow, giving a dramatic eye roll that makes Kie laugh. 

‘Colin’s just a little… needy.’

Kiara raises an eyebrow at her, she had imagined that Sarah would want her boyfriend to be obsessed with her. 

‘I just mean…’ Sarah sighs, ‘You know what boys are like.’

Her head tilts to the side as she opens her mouth to protest, because no she doesn't really know what boys are like. Sure, she was friends with a bunch of boys for years but romantically, she has no clue. She doesn't exactly have boys lining up to date her, really, what is she next to Sarah Cameron, and even then she’s not exactly interested in being with any of them. That’s not even to mention that small piece of guilt that had been instilled in her from her mother that even looking at someone else that way was somehow being unfaithful to her soulmate. 

No, she doesn't know what boys are like. And she’s not even sure she wants to know. 

‘Oh, right,’ Sarah giggles and turns more on her side to look at Kie. ‘You’re saving yourself.’

‘I’m not saving myself,’ Kie insists. Not now, that’s for sure. She’s almost certain there’s no longer someone to save herself for, even if she wanted to. 

Sarah grins, like she doesn’t believe her. ‘How is lover boy, anyway?’

That’s a question Kie has been dreading. So far Sarah had been great with the soulmate thing, never asking too many questions, never commenting too much. But she hadn’t brought it up since her and Jack… stopped talking. She was kind of hoping it would stay that way.

‘I don’t know,’ Kie drops her eyes and starts fiddling with the hem of her t-shirt. ‘We don’t – We don’t really talk anymore.’

‘What?’ Sarah sits up with a shocked face. ‘Why not?’

Kie shrugs, she doesn't know how to explain it.

‘I thought you liked him?’

Sighing, Kie sits up. Settling in to face Sarah as the both sitting criss cross applesauce across from each other on the bed.

‘I did.’ She tucks a peice of hair behind her ear and can’t bring herself to look at Sarah. ‘I do. It’s just-’

Sarah doesn't say anything, just lets Kie get there in her own time. 

‘But that’s it. I don’t know- I just, I don’t really know him, ya know? And then – I’m supposed to spend the rest of my life with him? I’m supposed to love him because that’s what the universe says. I just-’

Kie sighs again and finally looks up at Sarah. ‘I don’t want to fall in love that way.’

‘Okay. I get that.’ Sarah gives her a comforting smile and reaches out to touch her knee. ‘Sometimes I feel like my whole life is just planned out for me. I feel like even if I did want it I’d never know for sure, because it was pushed on me.’

A flood of relief washes over Kie, for the first time she’s spoken about her doubts and Sarah gets it, lets her know she’s not crazy. Of course Sarah gets it.

‘That’s… exactly how I feel,’ Kie breathes out. 

Silence lingers between the two as they stare at each other, swapping small smiles of understanding. The connection feels so strong between them in that moment, nothing more pure and binding than truly being seen by someone. Kie’s always wondered why she’s been so drawn to Sarah and this is it, they are one in the same, they get each other. Kindred spirits.

‘So, let’s find someone you can choose.’ Sarah declares, suddenly pulling away and picking up her phone, breaking whatever moment Kie thought might have been happening. 

It takes her a second to snap out and for her brain to catch up to what Sarah was saying.

‘What?’ Kie’s eyes bug out when it hits.

Sarah’s eyes are trained on her phone, scrolling purposefully.

‘What about Daniel Simons? He’s single.’ 

Kie is shaking her head because no, no, this is really not what she wants.

‘That’s- Sarah that’s not what I meant.’

Just because she’s not waiting around for Jack doesn’t mean she wants to go around dating.

‘Why not?’

Sarah looks up at her and one very clear reason comes to mind as she looks into those shining brown eyes. But she can’t tell her that.

‘Because- you know. I’ve never-’

‘Had a boyfriend?’

Sarah knows how limited her romantic experience is. That being it’s non-existent.

‘Or been on a date. Or- Or kissed… someone.’ Sarah knows, but it still feels embarrassing to admit. It’s like all the other girls at school have done those things and it's just another way in which she doesn't fit in.

‘Oh, Kie-Kie, come on, that’s not a big deal.’

‘I know, but it’s just- I’d feel so clueless and stupid.’

‘It’s easy, okay, you just do it.’

‘Look, Sarah I really don’t need to-’

‘I can show you.’

Sarah cuts her off and Kie stills. What.

‘Like practice, then you’ll know what to do when the time comes.’

‘Sarah-’ Kie starts shaking her head cause no – kissing Sarah would be a terrible idea. 

‘It’s fine. Me and Scarlet used to do it, it’s just a kiss.’

Kie can feel her heart racing, it might be just a kiss to Sarah but she’s sure it wouldn’t be just anything to her.

Although, she wonders, maybe that’s what she needs to do. Maybe she can kiss Sarah and know, know what she feels, know for sure that this is just friendship and she just cares about Sarah because of everything she’s done for her.

Hesitantly, Kie nods. ‘Okay.’ 

Sarah beams and it makes Kie’s insides twist in a way that makes her even more nervous.

‘Just. Pretend I’m a guy, alright?’ Sarah says. 

Kie gives her a small nod and uneasy smile, something deep inside her knows she doesn’t want to pretend Sarah is a guy. She doesn’t want to pretend it’s anyone but Sarah. 

Sarah clears her throat and shuffles forward until their knees are bumping together. She places her hands on Kiara thighs and starts to slowly lean in. 

Her lips are soft and sweet when they meet in the middle. After a moment Sarah parts them, prompting Kie to do the same and trap her top lip between hers. 

Kie’s stomach is stirring, heat rushing through her as she tastes Sarah, knowing she’ll never be able to forget this feeling. 

They linger like that, lips slowly closing around each other until Sarah starts to pull away. Reluctantly Kie flickers her eyes open, and her heart skips when she realises Sarah hasn’t gone far. 

Kie swallows as she stares back at her best friend. A tension has formed in the room and it seems neither of them want to break it by speaking. Her eyes drop back down to Sarah’s lips, still slightly parted, pink and plump and perfect. She desperately wants to feel them against hers again. 

Not giving it much thought, Kie brings a hand up to cup Sarah’s cheek and leans in again, guiding Sarah in with her hand for the space she can’t reach. 

She parts her lips and places them over Sarah’s once more. This time she initiates it, hoping that instinct will take over and tell her how to do it right. Relief rushes over her when Sarah responds easily, their lips moving together in perfect sync. 

It feels like nothing she’s experienced before, Sarah’s hands tighten on her thighs and Kie smiles slightly at the thought that this may be having the same effect on her, too. She doesn’t know what this is, or what it means, but she knows for sure this isn’t just practice. 

There’s the flick of Sarah’s tongue against her lips and a shiver runs through Kie at the feeling. She tries not to overthink it as she opens her mouth a little wider and rolls her tongue against Sarah’s, and the sound that escapes her in response could send Kiara over the edge. 

Kiara starts to push into Sarah more, following the overwhelming urge to lay her on her back. She doesn’t get the chance however, as the sound of Sarah’s bedroom door opening has them all but jumping apart. 

Snapping her head around to find the source of the unwelcome interruption, Kie sees Wheezie leaning casually in the doorway. It’s hard to tell if her smug grin is because she saw something or if it’s just her usual level of overconfident bravado. 

‘Dinner’s ready,’ she says simply. 

‘Ever heard of knocking, Sneezie?’ Kie looks back at Sarah who is practically glaring at her young sister. 

Sarah’s eyes briefly dart over at Kiara before looking down again and starting to climb off the bed. 

‘Sorry. I hope I didn’t interrupt anything.’ 

Kiara’s heart drops, the insinuation there is very clear, she knows. The thing with Wheezie, however, is she’s hard to read, and Kiara really doesn’t know what she might be thinking about what she knows. 

Silently, she starts to follow Sarah out of the room. 

‘How’s Colin?’

Sarah’s head practically turns the whole way around as she snaps to look at her sister. Her face hardens and her lips purse but she doesn’t say anything, just turns away again and continues to walk downstairs. 

They don’t talk about the kiss after dinner. They lay in bed and finish their movie and after Sarah says she’s tired and they sleep side by side in silence. Or Sarah does, Kie doesn’t get a wink as her mind races and heart pounds over thoughts of the girl lying next to her. 

***

Everything comes tumbling down on a Saturday night, sitting in her bedroom and staring at her phone. Sarah’s birthday isn’t for a couple days yet, they are planning on having a sleepover to celebrate it, but now – as she watches her best friend’s birthday party unfold over instagram – she knows that isn’t going to happen.

It’s not like she hasn’t noticed Sarah pulling away. She’s tried to reason that it was all in her head, that she was just feeling self conscious about the kiss and what it had meant, egged on by the fact that both of them had resolutely decided not to talk about it. 

She tries to call Sarah. It’s pathetic and sad that something in her is sure that it must have just been some sort of mistake, but the phone rings out and Kie knows that there is no way Sarah simply forgot to mention it. 

She spends another hour torturing herself, watching everyone celebrating over instagram through her teary eyes. Then, she calls the cops.

On Monday, everyone knows it was her. Once again everyone hates her, more than they ever did before, and it’s like she’s travelled back in time to September. Only now she doesn’t have the shining beacon of hope that is Sarah Cameron. Now she doesn’t have the Pogues, she doesn’t have Jack.

It takes her weeks before she gets up the courage to go see the boys. It doesn’t feel fair to just come running back now that Sarah doesn’t want her anymore. Like they were her second choice, her back up plan.

She knows that they won’t just welcome her back with open arms, and the idea of them just completely rejecting her, sending her away and shutting her out forever is unbearable. 

Her stomach is turning over the whole trip to the Chateau, which at least is a distraction from the burning in her legs from peddling her bike all the way to the Cut.

She dismounts at the end of the drive and pushes her bike up the small road, delaying the inevitable. The longer she takes the more she can convince herself that they might not completely hate her. 

When she reaches the yard she catches sight of them instantly. John B and JJ are huddled at the back of a shitty old brown VW van, inspecting the engine, a red toolbox and a variety of containers at their feet. She can see Pope’s leg sticking out from the open driver's door.

JJ straightens up and yells, ‘Try it again Pope.’

The key turns, the engine sputters to life, Pope gives it a few revs and then the engine cuts out once again.

All the boys let out groans of frustration. 

Kie steadies herself for her entry, straightening her shoulders and taking a deep breath before taking a few more steps forward.

‘Wow. What a piece of shit.’ She’s going for cool and casual but the unease in her voice is obvious to her ears – and most likely to theirs, too.

John B’s head wacks on the hood as he shoots up to standing. He turns to her rubbing his head, his eyebrows knitted in confusion, but overall he seems more concerned with his injury than anything else. She hasn’t seen him since Big John disappeared and even though he still looks good, same old John B really, she can’t stop the wave of guilt that washes over her. She should have come sooner, she should have been there for him. Why wasn’t she?

Pope shoots out of the van, his eyes bugged out, not saying anything, just reacting with a level of dramatics that is just so very Pope it makes her heart ache . 

JJ is glaring at her. Now, that she should have expected. His jaw is hard and locked as he stares at her, not giving anything away other than the fact that he would probably rather anyone other than her be standing in front of her right now.

‘Kie…’ she hears John B stumble out. 

She pulls her eyes off JJ and tries to shake off his glare and focus on John B instead, who at the very least doesn’t look like he’s about to chase her away.

Letting out an uneasy laugh, Kie steps towards them again.

‘So,’ she starts, hoping the wavering in her voice isn’t as obvious as she thinks it is, ‘what’s wrong with it?’

‘Um it’s-’ John B turns back to the engine and runs a hand through his unruly locks – Kie can’t help wondering when he last got a haircut – ‘It’s not firing.’

Kie nods, takes the final tentative steps towards them. She lamely gestures towards the van.‘Can I…?’ 

‘Oh. Yeah, yeah. Have a go.’ John B steps away to make room for her and hands a spanner to her. 

She can feel JJ’s eyes burning into her as she crouches down in front of the engine. He still hasn’t moved, he’s just looming over her but she refuses to look, knowing that it would only make everything so much harder. Instead she focuses on what’s easy, she focuses on the engine. 

It’s not like she’s an expert or anything, just what she’s picked up with helping out her dad over the years, but she wants to try. She knows it’s what she would have been doing if she stuck around, she’d be one of them, working on this shitty van together, so maybe if she can actually help it will be one step closer to making that a reality. 

She takes a chance, hopes she’s right. Does the best she can and when  she’s done she straightens up again and gives an unsure look to John B.

‘Maybe try that?’

John B looks over his shoulder at Pope. ‘Give it a go.’

Pope jumps to life and hops in the front seat. 

The key turns, the engine coffs to life, revs a couple times and then idles. 

It’s still not what one would call smooth-running, but it is running. Kie can’t stop the grin that forms on her face at the realisation that she actually did it. John B lets out a yell of excitement and then before she knows it he is pulling her into his arms.

Her arms wrap around him tightly, savouring the warmth of his body against hers and laughing into his chest along with him. When they pull away his arm stays firmly around her shoulder so she pulls into his side and holds him close. It feels nice and familiar and it makes her think maybe things will be okay.

Of course, it doesn’t last.

‘I was just about to try that,’ JJ says, a cutting edge to his voice, and it instantly deflates her.

Kie looks up at him just in time to see him reach forward and grab the spanner out of her hand. John B’s arm drops from her shoulders and she wishes more than anything that she could stay  pressed into the safety of his side, but she pulls away too.

‘Dude…’ John B starts but JJ cuts him off.

‘Dude. You are literally welcoming her back with open arms. Are you forgetting what she did?’ JJ tugs a hand through his hair as he goes on his rant, as if she's not even there. ‘She just dumped us without a second thought for a bunch of kooks. She’s not a pogue, okay? She’s a traitor.’

‘A traitor?’ Pope asks, from where he’s standing on the other side of her, ‘Come on, JJ. This isn’t Game of Thrones.’ 

JJ glares at Pope before his gase quickly flicks over the rest of them and he realises that he’s alone in holding his grudge. 

He rolls his eyes and throws the spanner in the tool box with a grumbled, ‘whatever,’ then storms past them and into the house.

There’s a tense silence and Kie waits for the slamming of the screen door hard enough to break it before stepping forward so she can turn and face the remaining boys.

She takes a slow, steadying breath.

‘Look, guys. I’m so sorry.’

‘Kie, you don’t need to apologize,’ John B cuts her off.

It’s a nice sentiment, but she does. She needs to say this, she needs them to hear it.

‘No, just let me. Okay?’ She takes another breath and starts again. ‘I’m really sorry for leaving you guys like that. For just dropping you with no explanation. For not coming back when…’ she can’t bring herself to say that part, ‘when I should have.’

By the looks on their faces they know what she means.

‘I just, I got so lonely there and when Sarah…’ she stalls at Sarah, she doesn't know how to explain Sarah, she doesn’t even want to explain to Sarah. ‘I just suddenly didn’t feel alone and I got so wrapped up in that I forgot everything else. And I- god , it felt so important to be like them, to not be the odd one out, that I kinda forgot that I didn’t want to be like them.’

She pauses for a moment and the boys let her.

‘The truth is that I’ve never felt more like myself than when I’m with you guys, and I really want to be that person again.’

A tear slips down her cheek and she bites her lips and looks down trying to shake it free because god, that’s embarrassing.

‘As it turns out I missed your stupid faces.’ She attempts a laugh when she looks back up at them, but her face crumples again. She really did miss their stupid faces. 

John B offers her a reassuring smile. ‘Hey, you’re not the first person to be tempted by the greener grass.’

Wrapping her arms around herself in an attempt at comfort, Kie shrugs. ‘Turns out it’s not that green.’ 

‘They should totally make a saying out of that.’ Pope is grinning at her and she can’t help the genuine laugh that tumbles from her in response.

Kie steps forward and circles her arms around him. He returns the hug – if somewhat awkwardly – and the weight in her stomach once again gets lighter.

When she pulls back she wipes at her face, trying to repel the few stray tears that escaped from her eyes. Kie’s gaze flicks over the boy’s shoulders, to the house. One last thing, one last person, and she might actually believe things will be okay.

‘What about, JJ?’

John B sighs.

‘JJ thinks you’re a modern day Judas,’ Pope explains.

Kie tries her best not to think about all the horrible things he’s probably said about her over the past year.

John B reaches out and places a comforting hand on her shoulder. ‘But he’ll get over it.’

She really hopes that’s true.

‘So,’ John B breaks the tension with a cheerful non-sequitur, ‘you want a beer?’

‘Yeah,’ Kie nods with a grin, ‘Sounds good.’

***

Things don’t instantly go back to normal. There’s so many things she’s missed, so many inside jokes she doesn't get. She knows JJ leans heavily on that on purpose just to passive aggressively remind her how much she missed, how much she isn’t one of them. 

It’s frighteningly reminiscent of middle school, when she first joined the Pogues. JJ’s standoffish attitude, his insistence that he didn’t like her, didn’t trust her. But every once and while, his walls will lower and he’ll catch himself off guard, forgetting that he hates her. Laugh at her joke, or smile at her, or offer some small hope that something could still grow from the ashes of their friendship. But then once again he’ll remember he’s mad at her, and suddenly it’s all gone again.

Just how much has changed in the past year becomes painfully obvious the first time they go surfing together again. They dump all their things on the beach and Kie pulls off her shirt, stripping down to her bikini, and there is a noticeable pause in the boys’ heated discussion over which Ninja Turtle was the best. There’s an awkward moment as they look at her and then drag themselves away, forcing themselves back into their conversation.

She’s perfectly aware how she’s filled out over the last year. The boys too – Pope is taller, John B broader, hell, she might have even had the opportunity to admire JJ’s back muscles had she not been so fixated on the fact that it was turned away from her. It just feels weird, one of those things that make it blatantly obvious that they aren’t the same as they once were, the boys don’t just look at her like they did the knobbly-kneed, pig tailed version of her anymore. She shakes off the feeling, because they are her friends, they were then and they are now, and she shouldn’t let the fact that they enjoy having at peak at her boobs every now and then ruin that, make that feel less true. She’s just gotten them back, and she isn’t going to lose them again over something so stupid as teenage boners.

***

‘Okay, Maybank. Let’s do this,’ Kie declares as she walks down the jetty toward JJ.

He’s sitting down at the end, the line of a reel sitting in the water in front of him. He doesn’t even turn around but she can tell he’s not happy with her presence, especially without John B or Pope there as a buffer.

‘I guess I could throw you one if you’re that desperate.’

Kie pauses, standing over his shoulder as he continues to stare out across the marsh, the realisation hitting her.

‘Not that, asshole.’

It hasn’t escaped her attention that while she was gone JJ had become quite active. It had been quite a shock the first time after a party at The Chateau when she saw a girl coming out of his room in the morning. It’s not that JJ never showed interest in girls before, it’s more like he never showed interest in getting with girls. Even though he had never talked about it she had gotten the impression he was quite committed to his soulmate, whoever she was. But perhaps he was like her, he just stopped believing. 

Unfortunately, she had yet to get the opportunity to ask.

‘Do what, then?’ he asks, bitterly disinterested.

‘We’re gonna have it out.’ Finally JJ looks up at her, an eyebrow raised in question. ‘Look, I’m not going anywhere, okay? I’m sick of this,’ she gestures in between them. ‘I just want to be friends again.’

JJ lets out a scoff of a laugh and turns away again.

‘So,’ she continues, not letting him brush this off, ‘I’m going to sit here for as long as it takes. And we can have a fight, and get it all out. You can bitch and moan about every terrible thing I’ve ever done and how much you hate me. And then when it’s done, you can get over it, and we can be okay again.’

‘Gonna be that easy, is it?’

Kie sighs, reaches into her back pocket for her secret weapon, drops the bag down next to him.

‘Never know if we don’t try.’

He looks down at the bag, back up at her and then shrugs, swiping it up and hanging his reel up on a nail sticking out from the beam next to him.

Taking that as the okay, Kie sits down on the other side of the jetty, leaning against the rail and facing him as he starts to roll a joint.

‘You been bad mouthing me to Yaz or something? I’m pretty sure I got screwed on the price for that.’ She figures starting light is the best way to open communication.

And it’s not a lie. The whole time Yaz had been eyeing her up and down like she was something she’d stepped in. She hasn’t had a lot to do with the older Maybank girl over the years, but she’d been a lot friendlier then.

JJ almost laughs, and throws her a sideway smirk as he runs his tongue over the rolling paper and seals it closed.

‘Maybanks stick together.’

Unfortunately, is all she can think, but she doesn’t voice it. That’s not the argument she wants to get into right now. 

She waits for him to light up, watches him take a long drag and slowly exhales while looking out across that marsh. She guesses having his attention doesn’t mean she can get him to look at her, too. 

‘I know things haven’t always been… easy for us.’ She thinks back to those early days, how distant and uninviting he was. It had taken so long for him to come around and finally accept her, and this feels like that all over again. ‘I guess maybe it took you a while to see me as someone you could trust and then I… I broke that trust. I didn’t mean to abandon you after you’d finally let me in.’

JJ turns to her, smoke slowly rolling out from between his lips, looking at her like he really doesn't appreciate the subtle psychoanalysis.

‘But JJ, I’m really trying here. Okay? And I don’t really know what I’m supposed to do to make you not hate me anymore.’

‘Maybe you should just accept the fact that that’s not going to happen.’ He shrugs and turns away again.

‘I don’t want to do that.’

‘Sounds like a you problem.’

‘JJ.’ She pauses. ‘Come on we were best friends for years.’

Kiara waits for a response that doesn’t come, she wants them to talk actually talk, to work through this. They’ll never get past it as long as he keep shutting her out like this.

‘Why can’t we go back to that? It was so good. The four of us, together.’

‘Because you fucked it up!’

The sudden outburst of emotion catches her off guard. It’s not like she’s not used to that from JJ, but lately any sort of emotion towards her has been non-existent, meeting her with cold disinterest.

‘Because it was really fucking good but it wasn’t good enough for you.’ He glares at her and she’s not sure if this is an improvement or not. ‘We weren’t good enough.’

‘That’s not true.’

‘Right. So that’s why it took all but a couple of months at that stupid fucking school for you to be so desperate to be a kook.’

‘I didn’t want to be a kook. That’s not what happened!’

He shakes his head, looking away from her again with a small mocking laugh. ‘Could have fooled me.’

‘I was miserable there, JJ. I hated it. But then Sarah-’

‘Oh yeah, the kook princess.’

‘I can’t explain it, okay. But we became friends and I got-’

He cuts her off again. ‘Blinded by the shiny kook life?’

‘No! I never wanted that life!’

When turns to her he’s eerily calm, any anger jsut vanished like it never existed.

‘So what was it then, Kiara?’ He brings the the joint up to his lips and takes a slow drag.

‘I’m trying to tell you.’

She practically feels like she’s pleaded, getting desperate, he’s supposed to be giving her a chance to explain.

‘What was so fucking great about Sarah Cameron that made you forget we fucking existed?’

‘I never forgot about you guys, I just-’

She didn’t, she never forgot.

‘Just didn’t give a fuck about us?’

‘No! That’s not it. She just-’ Kie can feel tears welling in her eyes as he continues to come for her. The worst part is,  she deserves it. She knows she does, she hurt him and she did all those things he’s accusing her of, but he’s not even letting her speak.

‘Come on, explain it. Tell me why I should trust you. Tell me why I would want to be friends with you when it was so easy for you to cast us aside like that.’ 

JJ spits the words at her, he’s getting angry again, no, not angry. It dawns on her that it’s not anger, it’s hurt. He’s not just being stubborn or grumpy, or it’s not that he doesn’t give a shit about her anymore, doesn’t trust her. She hurt him and god she didn’t think she could feel any worse than she already did, but she does.

‘It wasn’t easy. That’s what I’m trying-’

‘Then why did you fucking do it?’ If he’d just let her- ‘Why was being Sarah Cameron’s perfect little kook so much more important than your best friends since the-’

‘Because I fell in love with her!’ Kie finally yells.

The words burn her throat on the way out, it’s something she’s never been able to admit to herself before, let alone say out loud. And here she is, yelling it at JJ as if that will make a difference.

JJ pauses, the joint halfway up to his lips slowly dropping as he stares at her. 

‘What?’ He finally breathes out, all the fight gone out of him.

‘I- I just.’ The tears finally fall, all the repressed feelings of the last year just start spilling to the surface. ‘I got so lost in her and her life, and god, how can you not. Sarah Cameron is a fucking enigma, you know. I’d never felt that way before and I just wanted to hold onto that. I wanted every second of it I could get.’

She unloads her heart, between small desperate sniffles and JJ just sits and listens.

‘She was perfect and I just wanted to be perfect for her. So I did all those things, became this person I don’t even know, hoping that maybe she would-’ Kie sucks in a breath, trying to stop her voice from cracking. ‘You guys were the only people I’ve ever truly felt myself with, but it got in the way of Sarah so I pulled away. I mean, shit, I ruined everything with my fucking soulmate becasue of her. Because I thought- I thought- shit, I don’t even know what I thought.’

She looks up at JJ and it looks like his brain is still trying to catch up, process what she’s saying.

‘Shit,’ he finally says, and then he takes a long drag from the joint.

Kie can’t help but laugh through her tears. ‘Yeah, shit.’

‘So does this mean…’ JJ seems unsure of his words, ‘Are you like....’

Gay?

‘I don’t know what it means.’ She’s barely been able to admit it for 5 minutes, how is she supposed to know? She sniffles, trying to force herself to stop crying.

‘Fuck.’ Kie turns away from him, hanging her legs over the edge of the jetty, rubbing her face to try and hide the evidence as if JJ hadn’t just seen her have a whole melt down.

She doesn’t even notice JJ get up until he’s sitting down next to her, holding out the smoking joint to her. Hesitantly plucking it from his fingers, Kie takes a slow drag and hopes to god it helps.

They sit in silence as Kie steadies her breathing, letting them both take a moment to process until she speaks again.

‘I know it’s not an excuse, but I- I’m just really sorry, JJ.’

He bumps his shoulder into her’s, causing her to look over at him. His eyes are soft and he offers her a small smile, she doesn't know why he’s suddenly decided to let his walls down, but she’s not going to question it. 

‘It’s okay.’ It’s really not. ‘Love kinda makes us stupid.’

Kie stills at that.

‘You saying that from experience?’ She tries to play it off as a joke but she’s genuinely curious. Since when does JJ know about love?

He tenses next to her, like he’d been caught out. ‘I just mean- you know it’s-’ He stumbles over his words, trying to back track.

‘Your soulmate?’

JJ looks back over the marsh, avoiding her eyes, he lets out a sigh but doesn't respond, it feels like as much of a confirmation as she’s going to get.

‘She it for you then?’ she asks, curiosity getting the best of her.

She doesn't get it. If he’s in love with his soulmate, why is he messing around with other girls? Why hasn’t he met her yet? How does he even know he loves someone he’s never met?

‘Doesn’t really matter,’ is all he says, and she wants to push for more but something in his voice warns her not to – not just yet. 

***

With JJ back on her side, the pogues back together, properly. It only leaves one person on her mission of amends. A missing piece from her old life that she wants back.

She still doesn't believe it. Not really. Admitting her true feelings for Sarah had only caused more confusion in her head. More thoughts of choosing love and it being chosen for you.

But regardless of it all. Regardless if she ever wants to meet him, to love him, to be his soulmate. Jack had been her friend, a beacon of light when things were dark, and someone to her. And she had just thrown that away, cast him aside like he hadn’t meant anything. Like he had done something to her, which he hadn’t.

She fixates on the words for a long time, working them over in her head before finally realising it probably doesn't matter what she says. Just that she needs to say something. 

I just wanted to say

I never wanted to hurt you

I’m so sorry for everything

She waits. And a response never comes. 

So she pulls out her paints, paints a wave curling around the fading words on her thigh, hoping that it’s still his favourite. 

***