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Ryan doesn’t know what made him do it, it’s not like he’d thought about Spencer a lot in the past few months (and some part of him, okay a large part of him, felt guilty at that); but, it’s not like Spencer had tried either so Ryan felt justified (he’d always been good at denial). Yet something was telling him he needed to call Spencer up and he’d done just that, leaving Z, Dan and the others in his living room. He’d grabbed his phone and walked out onto the deck, petting a sun bathing Cpt. Knots on the way.
It shocked him a little that he still remembered Spencer’s number by heart, and the part of him that wanted to avoid confrontation prayed that Spencer had changed his number. When no one picked up and the call went to voice mail, Ryan ended the call feeling a little disgruntled; fine, if Spencer wanted to act like an immature kid and ignore his calls, then so be it. He went back in and started complaining about how hungry he was and how Dan the giant owed him lunch for eating up all his food to fill his bottomless stomach.
***
He’d been lying on the back seat of the car 2 nights later, as Z and Alex sat up front, arguing about something, he’d stopped listening as soon as they’d started. He briefly debated making a vine of himself, but vetoed that idea because it was too dark and Alex’s driving skills were nonexistent; the last thing he wanted was dropping his phone on his face. Z had laughed for weeks when he’d cut his finger (after making sure it wasn’t going to fall off); Spencer had never laughed, he would roll his eyes, take Ryan to the hospital, give him a strongly worded lecture when they got home and then hug him tight as if he was scared that the minute he let Ryan go, Ryan would do something stupid again. He wouldn’t let himself think about the other reason why Spencer would hug him for so long, it had been months and they’d both decided it was better to end things, than to live in a state of tension. South Africa was supposed to have been their vacation, just the two of them trying to figure out where they’d been going from a few makeout sessions in the back of the bus. He still doesn’t know how they got to the point where he wasn’t in Panic! anymore and the thought of calling up Spencer scared him.
As Alex had pulled out of the driveway, Z waving at him from the car, Ryan had sat down on his porch and dialed Spencer’s number, praying he would pick him.
“‘Lo?”
“Spencer? Hey, it’s Ryan.” Ryan clenched his fist in his jacket.
“Ry! Hey! You called! I was just hoping you would call, how are you man?”
“I’m good. Yeah, I tried calling a few days ago, I guess you were busy.” Ryan tried to make words come out without choking on that knot that had formed on hearing Spencer’s words.
“Thank God you called Ryan, I was . . . .”
“Spencer? Spence?!” Ryan waited a minute to see if Spencer would reply, before running towards his car.
***
Two weeks later he’d been there when Spencer had checked into rehab. Ryan doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to forget the image of Spencer passed out on his couch, pale in the dark room. He’d waited for Spencer to wake up, using Spencer’s phone to call up Brendon, ignoring his questions about what the fuck Ryan was doing in Spencer’s house. Ryan didn’t know if he should be grateful that he was used to taking care of people who’d clearly had more than their limits.
One look at Brendon’s face was enough to tell him that wasn’t the first time this had happened. Ryan had run his fingers through Spencer’s hair and swore that this would be the last time.
____________
Spencer had always been one for order; mostly everything that can be planned had to be planned. It had always been that way, even when he was a kid; his mom loved to bring up stories of how Spencer would have all his toys arranged in order even at the age of four and would throw a tantrum if even one toy was moved out of place. It’s just who he was.
So as they grew up, Spencer’s life started revolving around set patterns that he made, he would come home from school, eat, do his homework and then play till his mom called him in. Of course, Ryan was always a part of this order too, Spencer never had to think about that because Ryan was just always there and he wasn’t an outsider. As the years went by, Spencer’s day added another constant event, holding onto Ryan when he climbed into Spencer’s bed late at night, shivering from the cold because he forgot to put on a jacket over his pajamas as he walked from his house 2 streets away. Ryan wanted comfort and Spencer made sure that he never had to ask for it. And in his own way, Ryan gave Spencer comfort by being someone Spencer could fuss over.
But, over the past few years, Ryan forgot how easy it was to grow apart and not want to ask anymore, because you don’t want to be the first to call, or you don’t want to be the first to say, “I miss you”. And their stubbornness was what had gotten Spencer to this point; Ryan couldn’t help but blame himself.
***
They didn’t talk, when Spencer woke up the next morning to find half his band, Pete and his family in the living room; but as Brendon had started talking, Ryan had grabbed onto Spencer’s hand and not let go even when the grip on his hand became tight enough to bruise.
***
Brendon had called to let Ryan know when Spencer would be returning home and had mentioned that he’d be driving Spencer to his parent’s house which Ryan knew was Brendon’s way of saying he wasn’t needed. Ryan wanted to argue and say that he needed to be there, but realized that something’s had changed over the past few years and he didn’t have the privilege of being the best friend anymore. He’d thanked Brendon for calling and had gone back to finish writing that day’s letter to Spencer which he would hand drop at the center; he wasn’t even sure that Spencer was getting these letters but this was the only part of the day when he felt like he was doing something useful by writing to Spencer about what Cpt. Knots had been up to the previous day.
***
The day after Spencer got home, Ryan drove up to the house he’d practically lived in as he grew up, felling guilty for sticking to phone calls to keep in touch with the people who’d raised him. He wondered why no one ever mentioned that growing up would come up so much guilt and baggage. The fact that they didn’t turn him away or ask him why he’d bothered to show up now would have been enough to make Ryan feel worse, but that fact that Mrs. Smith had fussed over how thin he still was had been the breaking point. When he’d finally stopped sniffling like a kid and wiped his eyes, she had hugged him tight and told him to stay for lunch after telling him that Spencer was sleeping in the guest room.
When Ryan had reached the room, Spencer had been sprawled out on his stomach, taking up the entire bed. Ryan had put his phone on silent and curled on the only chair in the room, the one he’d always drag from this room to Spencer’s because it was so comfortable.
He didn’t know when he’d fallen asleep but he woke up to a sharp pain in his neck and when he tried to stretch, as would do in his own bed at home, his hand had hit something that fell to the floor, making a half asleep Ryan jump and look around. When he had finally been able to wake up enough to remember that he wasn’t in his house, Spencer had spoken up from the bed.
“So this is what you do now days? Stalk people while they sleep? I have to say Ross, that’s creepy even for you and I was there when you were going through your Pete obsession phase.” Spencer had smirked from where he’d been lounging on the bed, with his back against the wall.
Ryan wasn’t proud of the way he’d flushed at Spencer’s words, “I don’t stalk everybody, only special people. You should be proud Smith; you’re one of the lucky ones.”
And Spencer had rolled his eyes and smiled at Ryan, and maybe if Ryan wanted to he could have acted like they didn’t need to work on anything and everything was good between the two of them. But he’d always been extreme when it came to Spencer, he would either be completely blind or he’d see even the little things, which was how he was able to see how Spencer’s eyes were filled with self-doubt and anger and accusations and maybe a little bit of hope. Ryan had known it wouldn’t be easy, but he also knew Spencer was worth every bit of hard work.
***
To say Brendon hadn’t taken too kindly to Ryan coming back into Spencer’s life unannounced was putting it mildly; he had been furious. If Ryan was the kind to get upset by hidden jibes on twitter, maybe it would have been harder; but Ryan didn’t really care anymore. He was over at the Smith house almost every day, staying till late at night but always driving back because Spencer hadn’t asked him to stay over yet. They would play video games on the small TV from Spencer’s room, watch bad quality movies on the VCR and make fun of each other in old birthday videos. And every time Ryan would see a little bit of coldness leave Spencer’s eyes, he would find he couldn’t care less about what everyone else said.
He’d taken Spencer with him to Z’s birthday lunch, mostly because it had been ages since Spencer had left the house for something that wasn’t Panic! related. He realized he shouldn’t have been worried that being with people he doesn’t know would stress Spencer because his friends are awesome and no one’s drinking and they’re all making jokes about Ryan which is cool because Spencer is laughing and it’s all good. When they get back home and Ryan stretches after he gets out of the car, Spencer walks around to his side, pushes him against the car and kisses him with a kind of urgency that has Ryan holding onto Spencer’s jacket to ground himself. When Spencer moves back after a few minutes, leaning his forehead against Ryan’s they’re both grinning like idiots, just holding onto each other; not caring about the fact that they’re in the middle of the street
***
It’s another six months before Ryan stays over at Spencer’s house. Spencer tried going on tour with the band to promote the new album but after the first show Ryan had gotten a call from Spencer asking if he could come to the airport. They’d driven back home in silence, Ryan holding onto Spencer’s hand as he drove. That night Ryan had climbed into bed with Spencer and held him tight till they both fell asleep.
***
Spencer cleans out his cupboard at his mom’s house because she wants to change the room into a study for herself. Ryan had gone along with the intention of helping, but he’d rather sit on the bed and watch Spencer throw all his old clothes in a box, all the while wondering out loud how the hell he fit in those clothes. Ryan’s busy remembering his date with Spencer last night (which had ended in Spencer staying over at Ryan’s house because the two of them hadn’t wanted to let go of each other) when something hits him on the face. He looks up scowling at Spencer, when he catches sight of what it was that had hit him and picks up the worn hoodie carefully, afraid it might fall apart. He remembers the hoodie, Spencer had saved up for weeks to buy it and had almost given it to Judie Foster in 7th Grade because he’d thought she was the most beautiful girl in the world and had wanted her to become his girlfriend. But then he’d found that Benji Madden has gotten there before him and he’d been heartbroken for a week.
Ryan looked up to see Spencer smiling at him, a lot like the smile he’d given Ryan all those months back when Ryan hadn’t been sure about the two of them, except this time Ryan couldn’t see any of the doubt or anger or hurt in those eyes, there were filled with something that made him feel warm. He picked up the hoodie and pulled it over his head as he walked over to where Spencer sat, straddling him.
“Of course it would still fit you.” Spencer grabbed onto Ryan’s hips to steady him, curling his fingers in the worn material of the hoodie.
Ryan stuck his tongue out at him, “Spencer Smith, does this mean we’re going steady?”, Ryan asked.
Spencer decided he’d rather kiss Ryan than give him an answer.