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It is a truth universally acknowledged that Karkat really fucking loves romcoms.
(Literally because you’re pretty sure that there is no such universe where Karkat doesn’t love romcoms and if there is you’ll eat your alternate universe brother’s hat. Or one of his many shirts with hats printed on them because he doesn’t actually have a hat like Bro did. You are suddenly upset fuck why did your mind have to go there.)
Since Karkat really fucking loves romcoms, it therefore must follow that he totally and completely digs romantic things.
(Which he does. As his boyfriend, you can attest to that.)
And you can work with that. You practically revel in it because a flustered Karkat is literally the cutest thing ever.
(Besides maybe the Mayor but you’re not sure if anyone can compete with the Mayor because the Mayor’s the best.)
So you do pretty much all the cliché things you can think of, from leaving cute messages in random places (you like watching for his reactions from a hiding place when he finds one) to romantic dinner dates (you tend to go all out on this one) to whispering sweet nothings into his ear (this is your personal favorite because one you are the god of coming up with the corniest things ever forget being the god of time and two this probably gets him the most flustered).
But physical things? That’s something you just can’t handle. And while you could wave off not kissing him as “waiting for the right moment,” you couldn’t really do that with a lot of other forms of physical contact.
Even holding hands was pretty hard for you to do at the beginning, and it had gotten to the point where Karkat had actually made the first move a few weeks after the two of you had started dating and grabbed your hand while the two of you were watching a movie. You had tensed up for the first few seconds before forcing yourself to relax. You’re better with that now, but Karkat’s still always the first to initiate hand-holding.
And hugging? The first time Karkat had tried to hug you, you freaked the fuck out and pushed him away. He looked really hurt (though he didn’t cry) and you felt really bad, but you couldn’t say anything for a while because he ended up avoiding you for a whole week (that was a horrible week because holy shit Kanaya is scary). You made up some bullshit excuse afterwards which he seemed skeptical about but seemed to accept. Serenading him might have helped a little.
You’re not really sure why you have this problem. You didn’t have a problem with physical fights, after all. Or maybe that was the whole problem. You’re so used to fighting that for you, physical contact meant fighting.
When you think about it, pretty much any physical contact you’ve ever had involved some kind of life-or-death situation, whether it was strifing (you really thought you would die every time you strifed with Bro and you actually did die several times strifing in Sburb) or having a good old-fashioned fight combined with penis ouija back before you and Karkat were even really friend (okay maybe it wasn’t a life-or-death situation but it still involved fighting) or rushing down to save the Mayor from death by lava (that was the worst life-or-death situation you’ve ever been in F- would not do again).
So just plain holding hands or hugging is…kind of weird. Something like that.
(Rose would probably have a lot to say about your problem with physical contact but you’d really rather not go there.)
You feel kind of bad because you can see Karkat’s wistful look every time a couple hugs or cuddles or kisses in a movie. But it’s not that you don’t want to, it’s just that you can’t.
(You reach out for him sometimes and withdraw right before you touch him. Doing something physically affectionate is just so…foreign and you basically chicken out.)
It’s becoming kind of a problem because you’re actually starting to get jealous every time you see someone else touching Karkat, even if it’s just in a friendly way. Heck, you’re jealous of John (who is still your best bro) just because John hangs out with Karkat a lot and gives him a lot of hugs.
You really need to sort yourself out.
Maybe talking to Rose about this wouldn’t be a such a bad idea after all.
—
You have no idea what the fuck you were thinking when you thought that talking to Rose about ANYTHING wouldn’t be a bad idea.
She had decided it would be funny to make you lie down on a sofa while she sat in a chair with a pen and a paper asking, “And how does that make you feel?” over and over again. She was also wearing a fake mustache that you are one hundred percent sure she borrowed from Jane. It was unnerving.
DAVE: gdi rose if you ask me and how does that make you feel one more time i swear to god i will pee on everything you love
ROSE: Does this include Kanaya?
DAVE: okay maybe not her
DAVE: i will never forget that week oh my god
ROSE: And how does that make you feel?
DAVE: dammit rose this is a serious problem okay
ROSE: I’m afraid Kanaya has requested for me to give you a hard time, and as that is something that I am quite fond of doing to begin with, you should not be surprised that I have complied with my girlfriend’s wishes.
DAVE: what the fuck does she still have something against me i thought we were over that
ROSE: I believe that she has sensed some kind of unhappiness in Karkat as of late and that she believes you to be the source of said unhappiness.
DAVE: oh my god rose thats what i fucking came here to talk about to begin with
DAVE: do you think i enjoy my boyfriends misery
ROSE: Considering you haven’t been doing anything, Kanaya certainly seems to think so.
ROSE: I was also not aware that you had come to talk about Karkat.
DAVE: thats bullshit rose you know i know you know that all the talk about not touching people unless it involves fighting was leading up to this
ROSE: I suppose I’ve been caught red-handed.
DAVE: oh my god rose just help i dont know what to do
DAVE: its not like i dont want to
DAVE: heck i even get jealous of john being able to hug karkat do you know how stupid that is
ROSE: I have an inkling.
DAVE: but i just freak out when i actually try to do it
DAVE: cmon rose a little help here
DAVE: please
DAVE: itll make karkat happier and kanaya happier too because hes happy
ROSE: Ah yes, bringing Kanaya into this. You have thoroughly convinced me to help you.
ROSE: Very well.
You don’t think you like that glint in her eyes.
—
Your name is Dave Strider and you wonder what the fuck you did to in your past life to deserve having Rose as your sister.
—
You are now past all that agony known as Rose Lalonde (for now) and are sitting in a large bean chair listening to Karkat read one of his troll romance novels. He’s next to you in another large bean chair.
Karkat was a bit surprised when you asked him to read to you again (with you claiming to miss Storytime With Karkat), but he went along with it nevertheless.
While you may not like the stories themselves, you definitely like listening to Karkat reading them. He gets so into them it’s just plain adorable.
Hesitantly, you begin to reach over to him. Your hand inches closer and closer to his head until you’re kind of just petting him. He abruptly stops reading and looks at you in surprise. You give him a sheepish smiles and before you give yourself enough time to actually think about it, you pull him towards you so that he’s now settled into the large bean chair with you. Your arms are wrapped around his waist and your head has settled onto his shoulder. Your chest is pressed up against his back.
DAVE: hey whyd you stop you didnt have to stop reading you know
KARKAT: DAVE
KARKAT: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
DAVE: what
DAVE: what does it look like im doing im cuddling you
DAVE: cant a guy cuddle with his boyfriend
KARKAT: IT’S NOT THAT YOU CAN’T, I JUST THOUGHT YOU DIDN’T LIKE DOING THINGS LIKE THIS.
DAVE: what
DAVE: no
DAVE: its just
DAVE: its complicated
DAVE: i got over it though maybe ill tell you another time
DAVE: assuming i dont block it out of my memory
KARKAT: I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT.
DAVE: yeah thats fine
DAVE: just keep reading man were finally getting to the good part
KARKAT: YEAH OKAY.
KARKAT: …ARE YOU FEELING COMFORTABLE?
DAVE: yeah are you
KARKAT: I’M FEELING FINE.
DAVE: cool
There’s a few seconds of silence, but before you say anything Karkat says something.
KARKAT: HEY, DAVE?
DAVE: hm?
KARKAT: I LOVE YOU.
This catches you so off guard that for the first time ever you’re the flustered one. You are so glad it’s his back facing you.
DAVE: i love you too