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You're going to kill Dave Strider.
You're going to kill him, soon, and he's not going to know what hit him. Well, he will, because there's no way that you're letting Dave Strider die without letting him know it was by your hand. But you're going to kill him, soon, and it's going to be the best afternoon you've had so far on this meteor.
But first, you need to ask his permission. He gets shitty if you don't at least warn him that it's coming.
One of Kanaya's first Rules For Getting Along With The Humans was that no one is allowed to hunt the god tiers for sport. She knows as well as you do that jumping out from behind a doorway to stab them in the stomach doesn't count as heroic or just, but you're pretty sure that she was just sick of stepping in unexpected puddles of sticky human blood.
So, you've struck a deal with Dave. You're allowed to kill him, and he's allowed to seriously injure you. The only condition he requested was that in order for it to count - because you've got a fucking tally going - you've got to give him at least 24 of his human hours notice that you want to fight.
You agreed to his terms.
Then you promptly warned him of his impending death, and didn't attack for half a perigee.
He modified the terms to state that attacks must occur within two wake cycles of their announcement. You didn't like that change much, there's not really any sport in that. But you told him half a wake cycle ago that you were going to kill him, and now he's just sitting on the couch in the common room, alone. Perfect.
He looks up at the sound of your claws scraping against the steel walls.
KARKAT: YOU'RE FUCKING DEAD, STRIDER.
DAVE: yeah just let me pause this shit okay
He makes a show of pretending to get up from the couch, and you let out a snarl of impatience.
DAVE: hold your shit dude
DAVE: im trying to watch the animes here
DAVE: dont rush me
KARKAT: YOU HAD YOUR WARNING, STRIDER. NOW FIGHT.
DAVE: i gotta say im not really feeling this right now
DAVE: like ill fight you
DAVE: and win
DAVE: but im not happy about it because shit was about to go down
DAVE: okay theres like twelve more episodes of filler
DAVE: but then shit will go down
DAVE: oh hey bro
KARKAT: THE FUC-
You're cut off by the feel of a sharp blade against your throat and you scowl across at the Dave still sitting on the couch. But by now his timetables are out and there's no point lunging for him, because you've got about three seconds before he disappears and becomes the same Strider who's holding the broken sword to your neck.
KARKAT: I THOUGHT WE AGREED THAT TIMETRAVEL WAS FOR FUCKING CHEATERS, YOU FUCKING CHEAT.
DAVE: yeah but you were over here
DAVE: and i was sitting over there
DAVE: and i didnt feel like walking
KARKAT: YOU REALISE HOW MUCH BLOOD I'LL LOSE IF YOU SLIP, RIGHT?
DAVE: you doubting my mad katana skills
DAVE: seriously
DAVE: my skills are rad
DAVE: oh hey look out
He drops the weapon its previous position and shoves you forward. It takes you about three seconds to regain your balance, but in that time he's somehow moved and perched himself on the back of the armchair. You narrow your eyebrows because on one hand, it'd be too easy to knock him down from there and gain the advantage, but on the other Kanaya won't be impressed if you get his blood all over her favourite chair.
Strider makes the first move. He pushes off from the chair, almost toppling it, and forward rolls across the floor, complete with accompanying sound effects courtesy of his sword scratching along the exposed metal. You have no idea if that was deliberate or not. He's behind the couch now though, and you get the feeling he can somehow watch you from there. It's like you've lost before you can even get a move in.
You let out a growl, and dive. You block Strider's attack as you jump the back of the couch and land firmly on two feet. He doesn't look impressed, not even by what you would have called your best couch-jump yet, and he strikes again. You block, and for a minute there you're almost caught up in a good old fashioned sword fight instead of a strife to the death.
You have to admit that Strider isn't half bad at this. For a human, his attacks are solid and he's probably got some potential. He's a sneaky little shit though but that's half of what makes this whole thing worth your time. If it was just attack, attack, attack, then yeah, it'd be a decent time but he's got this habit of fucking your shit up when you're not expecting it, and you appreciate that.
You stand there, circling each other, and he takes half a step forwards. You snarl again but he just laughs.
KARKAT: WHAT'S YOUR SHITTING PROBLEM NOW, DOUCHEFUCK?
DAVE: did anyone on your planet ever tell you your shirt is stupid
KARKAT: NO, BECAUSE THAT KIND OF HOOFBEAST MANURE WAS THE LEAST OF OUR PROBLEMS.
DAVE: dude youre not supposed to give a logical answer when im ripping on you
KARKAT: WHAT?
DAVE: im talking shit
DAVE: thats what you do
DAVE: to distract your opponent
KARKAT: YOUR EARTH *RIPPING* DOESN'T WORK ON ME.
DAVE: then who the fuck just backed himself into a wall
KARKAT: WHAT?
You let out a cry of frustration when you realise that Dave is, unfortunately, right. He takes another step forward and you have nowhere to go but closer to the wall - you bump into it and try to look as dignified as possible while doing so. Then Strider, the asshole, has the nerve to move even closer and you instinctively raise your sickle to counter the inevitable attack he's preparing. You're at least grateful for the open doorway, not because it gives you a possible escape route should you decide to take it, but because it gives you the space to pull your arm back.
Dave grins, the cocky son of a bitch, and lifts his stupid, broken sword. He feints forward and you snap your arm back up to prepare for retaliation. Instead of slicing through the air, you feel your weapon dig in to something that brings your movement to a grinding halt. You pull forward again, and your sickle is dripping with warm, sticky blood.
Red blood.
You've accidentally killed Rose Lalonde.
Well, she's not dead yet but she's not screaming, either. She's got both hands pressed to her throat and it's fascinating just how quickly the blood is pouring from her neck, crimson streaks staining her shirt. While you're busy staring, Strider has raced forward to grab her, and he makes it just before Lalonde's knees give way. She crumples, and it's only Dave's quick response that prevents her from hitting the floor. He shifts the pair of them so he's sitting with her head in his lap.
Rose makes a strained noise as Strider presses his own hands over the wound, as if it's going to make any difference. You debate telling him as much.
KARKAT: SHE'S FUCKING DEAD. SHE'LL BE BACK IN A COUPLE OF HOURS.
DAVE: hey not cool dude
DAVE: you havent died before
KARKAT: YOU'VE GOT CIRCUMSTANTIAL IMMORTALITY. SHE JUST NEEDS TO SLEEP IT OFF.
DAVE: yeah but fuck man
DAVE: just because we come back afterwards
DAVE: doesnt mean that having your throat slit like that
DAVE: is a walk in the fucking park
DAVE: shit hurts like a bitch
KARKAT: AND HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU HAD YOUR WEAK HUMAN THROAT SLIT?
DAVE: two
DAVE: no three
DAVE: youre an asshole
DAVE: and before you ask
DAVE: yes all three were your fault
He pauses as Rose gives another strange, gurgled noise. He removes a hand and the blood just drips, and spills, and pours all over his lap and he looks vaguely disgusted.
DAVE: did you just say she needs to sleep it off
KARKAT: YEAH. WHY?
DAVE: no reason
He says no reason but at the same time his shoulders are moving, just slightly, and then he makes a noise not dissimilar to the stunted attempt at words Lalonde is giving. Then, and you have to admit you're at least a little surprised, he gives a snort of laughter.
DAVE: seriously
DAVE: sleep it off
DAVE: thats how we deal with manslaughter around here
DAVE: oh just sleep it off
DAVE: stabbed in the chest
DAVE: naptime
DAVE: gash in your femoral
DAVE: just lie down
DAVE: fucking liver ripped out of your stomach
DAVE: just take ten man youll be fine
KARKAT: I NEVER RIPPED OUT YOUR HUMAN LIVER.
DAVE: you havent yet
DAVE: man im sure you would have gone for my kidneys if you knew where they were
KARKAT: ARE THEY AN IMPORTANT ORGAN?
DAVE: pretty important
KARKAT: SO WHERE ARE THEY?
Strider indicates halfway down his back, smearing Lalonde's blood down his shirt as he does.
DAVE: fuck
DAVE: theyre about there though
KARKAT: DOES IT HURT IF I JUST PUNCH YOU THERE?
DAVE: i guess
KARKAT: WELL THAT'S GOOD TO KNOW. WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO ABOUT THIS?
DAVE: about my kidneys
KARKAT: NO, LALONDE. I THINK SHE'S JUST ABOUT BLED OUT.
You look at her more closely and she's gasping for breath. It's as if she's trying to fight off the inevitable because she's opening and closing her eyes but it doesn't look like she's just blinking. You admit that it does sound like she's in some kind of pain, probably a lot, you guess, if you were being really honest about it. She's struggling to move a hand, but she does, and Dave is watching her as well. Another gurgle comes from her throat and you stifle a laugh at the increase in bloodflow from her neck as she does. It takes her a while, and probably the last of her energy, but she moves her hand up, trying to indicate something with her fingers before they fall back to her chest.
You're pretty sure she's dead.
KARKAT: SO ARE WE GOING TO CONTINUE THIS NOW OR LATER?
KARKAT: DAVE?
DAVE: dude check it out
KARKAT: WHAT?
DAVE: i think shes flipping you the bird
KARKAT: NO SHE'S NOT.
DAVE: she totally is
DAVE: check it out
He's holding up Lalonde's dead hand, forcing her other fingers to stay down in an attempt to make the gesture more obvious.
KARKAT: WELL THAT WAS UNCALLED FOR.
KARKAT: SHE SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN STANDING THERE.
KARKAT: IF SHE DIDN'T WANT TO BE ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED SHE SHOULD'VE ANNOUNCED HERSELF.
KARKAT: ARE WE JUST GOING TO FINISH THAT MOVIE FROM YESTERDAY NOW INSTEAD?
DAVE: yeah i guess
DAVE: should i just leave her here or what
DAVE: yeah ill leave her
DAVE: ill move her out of the way though
DAVE: you should probably go tell kanaya or something though
KARKAT: WHY ME?
DAVE: do you want to drag rose around the room
KARKAT: I COULD DO THAT.
DAVE: just go tell kanaya okay
DAVE: but try to be nice about it
DAVE: if you can manage that
DAVE: yeah
DAVE: gently
KARKAT: AND WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING TO DO WHILE I DO THAT?
DAVE: i told you
DAVE: ill move her out of the doorway
DAVE: probably patch up her neck or something
DAVE: that way shell be less pissed when she wakes up
KARKAT: FINE.
You try not to sound too exasperated as you step over Lalonde's corpse, and you try even harder not to slice Dave's hand off when he flicks your kneecap as you head out into the hall. Kanaya won't be hard to find since you're almost certain she hasn't left her respite block in at least a perigee and if she has, you haven't seen her. You hear Strider accidentally drop Rose to the floor as he stands up, and you're sure that he laughs. Now who's the asshole?
The situation considered, you both did well not to laugh until Lalonde was actually dead.
The transportalizer at the end of the hall takes you back to the living quarters and you come out a few turns away from Kanaya's block. Your hand is raised to knock before you've even figured out what you're going to say but you knock anyway, and it takes her a while to open the door. When she does, you realise that she was probably asleep.
KANAYA: Karkat What Are You Doing
KANAYA: Its The Middle Of The Sleep Cycle
You decide not to beat around the proverbial frond nub.
KARKAT: DAVE AND I WERE STRIFING IN THE COMMON ROOM.
KANAYA: Again
KANAYA: Did You At Least Clean Up The Blood
KARKAT: DAVE'S DOING THAT NOW.
KARKAT: WE ACCIDENTALLY KILLED YOUR MATESPRIT.
KARKAT: SO SHE MIGHT BE PISSED OFF WITH US WHEN SHE WAKES UP.
KANAYA: Ive Told You That You Are Continually Overstating The Relationship Paradigm That Exists Between Ro
KANAYA: Did You Say You Killed Her
KARKAT: JUST A LITTLE BIT.
KANAYA: But At This Precise Moment In Time She Is Dead
KARKAT: NOT DEAD DEAD, JUST GOD DEAD. SHE'LL BE FINE.
KANAYA: But She Is Not Conscious Because Her Human Heart Has Stopped Beating
KARKAT: I GUESS NOT. SHE BLED OUT FROM HER THROAT IF THAT MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER.
KANAYA: No It Doesnt Really
KARKAT: SORRY.
KANAYA: Is She In The Common Room
KARKAT: YEAH. DAVE'S COVERING HER WOUNDS SO SHE'S LESS PISSED WITH US LATER.
KANAYA: Give Me A Moment
KANAYA: And Dont Go Anywhere
KARKAT: FINE.
The door closes. You fold your arms across your chest and lean back against the wall while you wait. It isn't long before Kanaya emerges, this time with a sweater over her sleep attire. You figure it's best not to tell her that Dave seems to harbour an inexplicable hatred for that particular kind of outerwear. Besides, you're not sure that Kanaya is concerned about clothing choice right now because you don't think you've ever seen her wear a sweater, and are fairly certain that the sweater itself belongs to Lalonde anyway. You keep your mouth shut the entire walk back to the common room.
You burst out laughing at the sight awaiting you, and have to excuse yourself momentarily.
Fucking Strider.
It would have been nice of him to prepare you for that, if for no other reason than you would have advised Kanaya against coming back with you. You have no idea what is or was going through Dave's mind when he thought it would be funny to sit in the armchair, with Rose propped up on his lap, just so he could make her corpse wave at the next person to enter the common room. It was funny, it was hilarious, and you're still trying to regain your composure despite walking straight back out to the hallway.
It's a few minutes before you dare to reenter the common room, and when you do you take a seat on the arm of the couch, and watch as Dave struggles to explain the situation to Kanaya. Personally, you would have removed the corpse from your lap first, because every time Strider indicates at a different point around the room, he either hits Rose in the face, or her head rolls to the side.
The whole situation is laughable and Dave is only making it worse as he tries to climb out from under the corpse. He ends up succeeding but not before Rose starts to fall forward, and it's only Kanaya that prevents her from hitting the floor again.
DAVE: shell be fine
DAVE: sorry
KANAYA: Why Are You Apologising To Me Dave
KANAYA: Surely You Should Apologise To Rose When She Wakes
DAVE: yeah ill get on that
DAVE: youre not pissed or anything
DAVE: because if you are it was him
DAVE: see
DAVE: bitchin sickle scars
KANAYA: Do You Think That When She Wakes Up All The Scars In That Area Will Have Cleared
DAVE: what
DAVE: fuck bye
Then, without saying anything else, Strider absconds like a fucking wiggler. You shrug when Kanaya looks at you, but you gesture to the door and follow Strider out. Lalonde will be fine.
KARKAT: HEY ASSHAT.
KARKAT: ARE YOU OKAY?
DAVE: yeah fine
KARKAT: WHERE ARE YOU EVEN GOING?
DAVE: bed
DAVE: whatever you call that
DAVE: homicide really takes it out of you
DAVE: you did the murdering
DAVE: dont know how youre not tired
KARKAT: HEY STRIDER?
DAVE: what
KARKAT: YOU'RE DEAD WITHIN 16 OF YOUR HOURS.
He's stopped, sneaker hovering over the edge of the transportalizer. He puts it down on the floor and spins on his heel, turning back to face you. You notice the smirk on his face, even though it's more of a half-smirk and he's trying not to start laughing again.
KARKAT: JUST SPOUT WHATEVER COOL AND IRONIC BS YOU'RE THINKING OF AND FUCK OFF.
DAVE: what are you gonna do
DAVE: i cant get any more dead than rose is right now
You manage to keep a straight face until he disappears into the transportalizer. You're sure that, despite the fact the living quarters are at the other end of the meteor, he can hear your laughter echoing through the empty halls anyway.