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Yoshiki has felt different from usual today, and ‘Hikaru’ can’t pinpoint what it is.
He’s always been quieter, but it’s the nature of his silence today that has ‘Hikaru’ on edge. Yoshiki is here, but not present. As they walk to school together, pushing their bikes at their sides, ‘Hikaru’ has decided to fill the silence by recounting the latest book he read.
“So the witch got jealous, and turned the girl into an old lady,” ‘Hikaru’ says. “And this girl was already thinkin’ she wasn’t pretty. Then there’s the wizard, who also cared a lot about bein’ beautiful like it was the most important thing in the world.”
“Mmm, yeah.”
Yoshiki’s barely reacting to him. When he is, it’s disengaged hums and one word responses, as if they would be given regardless of what ‘Hikaru’ is saying.
“It didn’t even matter what they looked like,” ‘Hikaru’ presses on. “They fell in love with each other’s souls anyway. That’s how it should be, right? I get wantin’ to look cool, but I don’t get how the outside makes any difference to people’s feelings.”
‘Hikaru’ is tempted to continuously, yet subtly, sneak glances at Yoshiki to gauge what is going on. It seems to make his concern worse however, as each look ‘Hikaru’ does catch of Yoshiki’s face makes him wonder if he’s understood his expression enough. He becomes more fixated on embedding the image of Yoshiki into his mind more clearly to analyse if there is proof behind the tension ‘Hikaru’ thinks he’s sensing.
If ‘Hikaru’ doesn’t know the cause behind Yoshiki feeling different, his logical conclusion is that therefore the reason behind it must be… ‘Hikaru’ himself.
The very thought only makes ‘Hikaru’ more anxious, more compelled to take yet another look in Yoshiki’s direction and take whatever action he can to remedy it. He injects more energy into his voice, an upward lilt in his tone as if the very sound can provide joy and have an influence on Yoshiki’s mood as well.
“The girl’s hair even stayed silver after the curse was broken, but she was cool with that!” ‘Hikaru’ says. “It wouldn’t even be that unusual, since it’s a sorta similar colour to mine, right?”
“Right,” Yoshiki answers flatly.
‘Hikaru’ can feel himself falling into a trap. There is something he’s doing wrong that’s causing Yoshiki’s dip in mood, thus it is his responsibility to find and correct it. He’s the one that’s supposed to be making Yoshiki feel better. But the more attempts he makes, the more he fails. The more he fails, the more desperate he becomes to fix it, when his very desperation may be the issue.
Yoshiki means the world to him. His soul is the most precious thing in existence. Yoshiki is so perfect to him, and thus he wants to be perfect for Yoshiki. He doesn’t want to give Yoshiki any reason to feel negative emotions or have more problems in his life because of him. ‘Hikaru’ has already caused enough as it is.
It can be difficult for ‘Hikaru’ to tell how close he is to crossing the line. Yoshiki can be good at hiding things when he wants. In contrast, ‘Hikaru’ doesn’t want to hide anything. He wishes he could tell Yoshiki just how much he means to him every time the thought pops into his head. He wants to shower Yoshiki in physical affection at every given moment, to put his hands and his mouth upon Yoshiki’s skin, to have his insides reach for Yoshiki’s soul, and claim Yoshiki as his one and only. But he restrains himself, because if ‘Hikaru’ were to follow every urge he had, then surely he would become too much for Yoshiki. It would not only be constant and annoying, but he would become burdensome, pushing too many emotions onto Yoshiki to deal with on top of the ones Yoshiki already holds on his own. If Yoshiki were to ever come to hate him as a result, then ‘Hikaru’ wouldn’t deserve to be by his side.
“Yer starin’ at me,” Yoshiki says.
‘Hikaru’ blinks and turns his head quickly to face in front of him again. He’s messed up, sneaking one too many glances Yoshiki’s way that it became noticeable. ‘Hikaru’ has been too obviously pushing on Yoshiki’s boundaries, trying to perceive him beyond Yoshiki’s liking, and now he’s made him even more uncomfortable.
“I’m sorry,” ‘Hikaru’ says. “I didn’t mean to.”
They walk in silence. The tyres of their bike wheels crunch against the dirt along the ground as they spin. One of the wheels of ‘Hikaru’’s bike seems to need fixing, as the squeak now sounds especially obnoxious. ‘Hikaru’ hopes it doesn’t sound as loud to Yoshiki as it does to himself right now.
“Is somethin’ wrong?” Yoshiki asks. “You’ve been actin’ kinda antsy.”
‘Hikaru’ has been acting differently? He should be asking the same of Yoshiki. Surely Yoshiki knows ‘Hikaru’’s mood responds to his own?
‘Hikaru’ lowers his voice. “Are ya… upset with me?” He peeks in Yoshiki’s direction once again to catch his reaction.
Yoshiki doesn’t seem surprised by the question, his expression remaining unchanged. He just lightly shakes his head and answers plainly with a “No.”
‘Hikaru’ doesn’t believe him. They’ve been in this position before, where ‘Hikaru’ has asked Yoshiki repeatedly throughout the day if he was mad. Yoshiki had insisted he wasn’t, but the day had ended with a knife in ‘Hikaru’’s stomach.
‘Hikaru’ bites his lip. “It’s just that…” he says. “It seems like somethin’s different with ya, and I feel like it might have been somethin’ I did. If it’s somethin’ I did, then I want to fix it instead of makin’ it worse while ya get more angry with me.”
Yoshiki sighs, looking towards the ground as they keep walking. The mass of ‘Hikaru’’s insides tense and writhe as he painfully waits for Yoshiki’s next response. He hates this so badly, feeling at the tipping point of a potential action of his that would drive Yoshiki away once and for all.
“Look, yer right that I’m not… the same today,” Yoshiki says at last. “But yer wrong that it’s somethin’ to do with ya, okay? It’s not anythin’ ya did. It’s… my own issue…”
This only partially relieves ‘Hikaru’. The other part of him now fears he’s selfishly inflated his importance in Yoshiki’s life by assuming it had to have been his fault. Just because Yoshiki means everything to him, and is the only person he cares about, doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the same for Yoshiki. Yoshiki has other people he cares about, and a whole other life that existed before ‘Hikaru’ even entered it.
Yoshiki’s bike wheels stop spinning, and ‘Hikaru’ also stops walking to stand still with him. Yoshiki looks up from the ground to make eye contact with ‘Hikaru’, the first that ‘Hikaru’ has received from him all morning. Eyes that are dark grey, droopy, and partially hidden from behind his bangs as always, but honest.
“Again, I’m not mad at ya,” Yoshiki emphasises, as if he knows that ‘Hikaru’ needs it. “I promise.”
‘Hikaru’ nods. “Okay.”
Yoshiki’s gaze lingers on ‘Hikaru’ for an additional moment before they start walking again. The silence no longer feels like it’s crawling over ‘Hikaru’, but now he doesn’t know whether it’s appropriate to resume talking.
Yoshiki is the one who eventually speaks again first. “It was yesterday,” he says. “One of our old neighbours came over in the evenin’ to give us some vegetables. It was unexpected, otherwise I would’ve made sure I was in my room...”
‘Hikaru’ is watching Yoshiki as he speaks, although Yoshiki’s staring at some unidentified spot on the ground in the distance.
“He hasn’t seen me in ages, so he kept talkin’ to me when he saw me,” Yoshiki continues. “Tryin’ to figure out if I got a girl I like at school, and then sayin’ stuff like I shouldn’t go through all of high school without gettin’ a girlfriend. He said I should meet his niece when she next visits the village, if I tone down the ‘creepy vibe’ a little. His words.” His voice lowers to a mumble. “Pissin’ me off. What’s it to anyone if I creep her out? I hope I do.”
It’s the truth; it really isn’t anything ‘Hikaru’ did. A part of him feels foolish for the assumption that the source of Yoshiki’s feelings lay with him alone. But now that Yoshiki has opened up to him with the reason, he’s sure that in this instance, it is up to him to respond to Yoshiki’s feelings.
“That old dude’s freakin’ weird,” ‘Hikaru’ says. “High school dates aren’t his business. You don’t gotta listen to him.”
“I know, and I have no intention of it,” Yoshiki says. “But if it ain’t him, then it’s someone else. It’s… all of ‘em.” Yoshiki tightens his grip at the handlebars of his bike.
‘Hikaru’ doesn’t know what more he can say to that. He can’t refute what Yoshiki is saying. It’s why the two of them have each other in the first place. ‘Hikaru’ isn’t like the others in the village, nor does ‘Hikaru’ care about any of them. He’d kill them if it meant removing them from the equation and easing Yoshiki’s burdens, if he hadn’t learned that killing carried implications too drastic for Yoshiki to let it be an option. It pains him that Yoshiki can be hurt by people completely out of ‘Hikaru’’s control.
“Screw all of ‘em then,” ‘Hikaru’ says. “And if it’s worth anythin’... I like yer ‘creepy vibe’.”
Yoshiki exhales in an amused huff, the corner of his mouth quirking upwards. ‘Hikaru’’s thankful for the indication that he must have said the right thing.
“Hey,” Yoshiki says, his voice still quiet and even, but less distant now. “Can I ask ya to make an agreement with me on somethin’?”
‘Hikaru’’s initial reaction to the words is to stiffen, but he proceeds to tentatively nod.
"I promise that if there's somethin’ yer doing that has upset me, I’ll tell ya," Yoshiki says. "But ya have to promise to trust that I won't abandon ya if I’m ever mad."
Please don’t ever leave me is what ‘Hikaru’ wants to say. But he doesn’t say that. That's not up to him to demand of Yoshiki. Yoshiki has the right to choose as he wishes. If Yoshiki were to one day want to leave ‘Hikaru’, then it would be selfish of ‘Hikaru’ to pressure otherwise with his own desperate request.
"Does..." ‘Hikaru’ is almost afraid to ask, to risk looping Yoshiki into the same spiral he has been keeping in his mind. But he wants to prove the very honesty they’re talking about. "Does it bother ya to know I have that worry?"
Yoshiki tilts his head sympathetically. He pauses to consider his answer. "I understand why," he says. "And it makes me a little sad to think that, but it’s not yer fault."
‘Hikaru’ wants to lurch forward and wrap his arms around Yoshiki so badly. Yoshiki is too good to him. They’re okay. Yoshiki’s not mad at him, and he’s still comfortable with ‘Hikaru’ by his side, even when everyone and everything else here pulls Yoshiki down, even when ‘Hikaru’ himself is as imperfect as he is.
“I promise, Yoshiki.”
Yoshiki is the one who reaches out, placing a hand atop ‘Hikaru’’s head and ruffling his hair in the way that ‘Hikaru’ loves. A warm tingle, a reassurance that makes his insides relax from his head to his toes and all throughout the void of space between. It’s when he can most believe that Yoshiki is always here to stay.