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P: Happy Hard Monday! I’m Phil...
D: I’m Dan.
P: …and we got goosed yesterday.
D: Wow, okay. No cold open this week? Guess we’re just diving right in-
P: Bill first.
D: Yeah, that is what she said. What? Okay, but given that you started this madness, I guess we might as well-
P: I have been wanting to talk about this-
D: Because I know that every one of your ears just perked up. Ooh, are they, in this new authentic era, are Dan and Phil actually going to address the number one conspiracy theory of our time, of any time– The Goose Controversy? Could it be? In the year of our lord and savior? 2026?
P: ………………… Yes.
D: A’ight. So for those of you who don’t know your Dan and Phil lore-
P: Everybody’s heard about the bird!
D: But in case you haven’t- actually, hold on. Do normal people know about this stuff?
P: Dan and Phil?
D: Yes if you’ve wandered into this podcast we are so sorry, but no, Phil-
P: Everybody’s heard about the …lads…!
D: Soulmates. Normal people do not know about soulmates.
P: That’s because they are one in a million.
D: So if you don’t know- that is if you don’t have a witchy Aunt-
P: --Susan. Then you might not be aware! But when you are the type of person who has a soulmate, the universe might send you a sign-
D: The type of person-
P: -and that sign might be a goose.
D: Or it might not be a goose! Scientifically speaking, we really have no idea of what’s going on in these bird’s brains. But people, wow, the kind of messed up stories they come up with to justify their own decisions– you don’t wanna know.
P: I believe in the goose! And tarot, and tingles-
D: Tingles? Ooh.
P: You know we have a soulmate goose.
D: – yeah, the objective fact is that we were stalked by a waterfowl for an unconscionable amount of time.
P: Exactly! There is no other explanation!
D: Could have been hungry. Could have been horny. Lots of people think that geese can’t really tell when you’ve got a soulmate at all– on account of those not existing –they’re just picking up whatever pheromones you’re putting down and getting all freaky with it in their own weird waterfowl way.
P: Pheromones?
D: Can’t Phan-nify that can you?
P: I wasn’t! But what we went through was not random.
D: Could have been.
P: Every time we turned around– the bird.
D: The bird. “A” bird.
P: A bird to herd us. Into– r– Romantic situations!
D: And what does Phil Lester think a romantic situation looks like?
P: Fireworks?
D:
P: Scenic walks!
D:
P: …. sheep pit.
D: –-did you know that geese make nests out of their own fluff? Have you ever had a goose aggressively pulling feathers out of its own breast at you, to make you a nest?
P: I know!
D: Stole things, too. Ten years ago, you couldn’t be on the line at a Dan and Phil meet and greet with a piece of kawaii fanart, or else that goose would grab it and bring it to us like “Oh, dads! Look dads! It’s proof of my parentage.”
P: I think some of you used that to skip the line-
D: Uh, no ya didn't, and good for you.
P: Remember when I streamed the Untitled Goose Game? It was traumatic! I couldn’t! It wasn’t fun being the bird, because I had been the– the guy– the man with the hoe-
D: The man, with the ho? No, it’s true, I am kind of a-
P: Stop it. The farmer.
D: Sure.
P: And then we went on tour.
D: You’d think that being on an entirely different continent would help, but actually- you know all those tiktoks with the girl and her new multibillionaire crypto-suckling boyfriend, where they get off the private jet and this wild animal just comes running at them like flbkfglknbjd?! And she’s like oh my gawddd, you guys, it’s a rare wild Cape Barren goose! He really is my soulmate! And it's like, are we all really going to pretend that some poor employee wasn’t back there herding this poor bird at them? Yeah, so that was us, but it was real.
P: We do not have money for bird-herders.
D: You’d think you’d just be able to leave your birds behind you but, much like all the rest of my anxieties, you just get new ones everywhere you go-
P: In America, it’s a Bald Eagle.
D: -which, in my opinion is real proof for the pheromone theory.
P: The eagle?
D: Graah.
P: Graah! Well whatever it was, it went on for years! We couldn’t do anything peacefully.
D: Years. And of course our sweet, intelligent fans picked up on this– and guys, bless you for being like: Oh my god, animals just love Phil so much, tee-hee. It really kept us sane through the Straight Years.
P: But it wasn’t-
D: Yeah, no, we were certified stalked by a goose.
P: And certified….
D: …
P: ….soulmates.
D: RICHARD.
P: Wait! Because the point was-
D: Oh, yeah, we saw the goose again last night.
P: The goose!
D: "A" goose.
P: First time in years!
D: We kind of thought that it had figured out that what it wanted- that our relationship was never going to be the S.G. approved kind of heteronormative, cookie cutter relationship it was expecting to see, because me and Phil aren’t like that.
P: I don’t think soulmates have to be like that!
D: But maybe that was what the goose expected to see. Anyway. Came back. Last night.
P: In the frigid cold-
D: -so we let it in. And we are telling you this now so none of ya’ll get weird about it when you see a goose in the phouse during the next livestream.
P: Otherwise it’s Into the Lake.
D: No we’re not kicking him out-
P: ‘Course we’re not, I meant all of them. He’s my son!
D: Is he not my son?
P: What shall we name our newest child?
D: Tell us in the comments, and we’ll see you all-
P: -next week.