Chapter Text
Callie and Marie were walking to theyre first class of the day, and Maire had to dodj lots of spitballs from the annoting dumbass popular boys in school. See, Marie was part of a clicque in Splatoon high school called the Nerds, along with Marina and big Man and some other ppl nobody cares abot. The Popular Kids usualy hatted the Nerds, but callie, despite bein a popular kid, didnt hate Marie cuz they where the Best Idiotic Talented Cousinz H-ever (B.I.T.C.H.es). Mari also noticed that Callie didnt ever pik on any other nerds, and would usualy defend rhem, unless they were sheldon, because nobody like d shelfon. So, as they walkekd through the halways, callie tanked all the spitballs for marie like a badass bitch, an came into class covered head to toe in traansprarent liquid like pearl and marina after they come out of rhe special one person restroom together.
The class was history class, taught by calie and mairie’s granpappy named Craig Cuttldish. Craig was an old raisin bran bowl of only raisins who murdered lots of octos back im his day, which makes marie mad but she still luvs her evil grandpa even tho hes evil and killed ppl in the war. He was also old.
“Hello, grandsquiddos,” craig said hello his grandchildren eith a elderly voice that made him sounded like he was a cheese greater that was addictd to heroin and smoked 6 pax a day. “yer just in time, we were abot to start are lesson about the great truf war!” Everyone groned. Marie didnt want to hear more about death, cuz it made her vegan heart sad amd it reminded her of all da factory farms around the wrld where many animals dieded and were forced into a life of slavery. And it reminded her of how evilher grandfather wuz.
“The great turf war happened becauss them octos tried to disrupt are peas,” He said, frownin. “I hate them octoes.” He sounded lik a real life whit supremmacist, aka. Idiot, except he was talkin bout species not skin pikmintation. He stared directly imto da red orbs of Shiva, but nawt Marinara because she and Perl were to busy listenin to Enter Squidman by Splatallica on ful blast at the back of da clazz lik beavis and buttehead, even tho their are better songz by splatallica then that. There were no utter octoes in da room because our named characters are da only people in the world.
Just then, when cutlefish lookd at da whitebord, a rock come bareling at Mr. Cuttledishs head like he was the building and the rock was a arabic plane. It nocked him clean out, and he fell to the flore with ink trikling out of his ole cranium. It was so funny. “That was so hilrarious!” Guffawed Fry from the back of da room, laughing along with siver, who had many more rocks on her desk and in hand. Callie started cring, becaus her grandpa jus got his ass beat and assalted. Hoever, marie was fine with it becaus Sieve was a octoling, so she was avenging her ansesters sevenfold even tho da hoehoejiro clan was frum da splatlands. Sheldon did promply call the 911, but Pearl thretened him so that when the amberlances showed up, hed say that the elderly prune of a veteran had diabeetus and had a ink shugar drop.
Then, shever throwed another ruok at stupid little sheldon cause hes a stupid little snitch.
Then da belll rang. What tim is it? Its time fur lunch!1111 (AN: Buble guppys rox!)
Grye and smimmer used large male as a surfbuord and surfed3d downn the hallway on the large crowd of crowds. Murie and E. Cali just started hitting people uptil they made loonchrum/cafamatereria. They then sit down too consume of fine dishes and delights that the chefs located but a stone’s heave away have graciously prepared for the rambunctious, ravenous, rigid, riveting, revering, ruthless adolescent sub-adults. (AN: THX AGAIN MOM!)
BonFryer res7med eatuingg them hot cheeties form the bus. She pulle from enormus individual with XY kromazomes mouth. (AN: you thought we wur gonna say azzhul, didn u? Well were dum but not kinky! >:]) Meanwile, Siver had sum count chocula serial wit blodd and a glass of blodd on da side. Caulieflour also whippd ut a whule red vlevet cakeke. Marieed ated celeruy cause shes a stuid vegan. Pearl harbor had a hole jar of alcoholl spiked mayonayse dat she was eatin wid a fork, smugled right from da fridge in her room, amd Mauriana trench eated ketchup stew with waffles and purls spit and with a spooun.
Bug moon pulls out an IS-4M Soviet Post WWll Heavy tank, (the M variant of the IS-4 was part of a special batch produced in 1951. They did not go into main service because of shifting Soviet military doctrine that began to favor the concept of an MBT (Main Battle Tank)) His mom bought it fur him at da store, becuz shes very cool and ritch. He started off by eating the roof mounted and coaxial DsHK 12.7mm heavy machine guns, which could easily deal with light armored vehicles and low, lightly-armored flying aircraft. After savoring the sweet succulent steel, he began to punch through the 230mms of armor on the mantlet, and chewed his way through the 122mm D-25T cannon, and began to delight in the large number of BR-471D Armor Piercing Capped Ballistic Capped (APCBC) shells, which could penetrate anywhere from 150-200mm+ of armor (data can vary, as this is highly specific information. If any military/tank nerds read this, feel free to call me out and update me on correct and accurate data), located at the back of the turret and on the inside of the hull. Afterwards, he began to peel at the 160-200mm+ thick armor that encased the tank. Big Man appreciated the variable thickness of the armor, as it could successfully protect the crew from the infamous German long 88mm cannons. Big Man is the coolest Splatoon idole for this very reeson. (AN: W jus taught u sum militry history an u didnt even reulise it LOLLLLLL!!!1!)
Kale and Mary sat at da nerd tabel, even tho only mary belongeded theyre. But dat was ok because Marijuana was dere witch meant perl, who waz not a nerd, wanted to be their rite next to her all romantically-like and continyou there role as da cutest couple in school. and pearl also proviyded her girlfrend wit some extra condom mints and spices to put on her food using her mouthe. (AN: IM NOT KINKY. DEY R !1!!!1 ALSO SRY 4 HOW MANY AUTHERS NOTES THEIR R THIS CHAPTA!)
“So , has Shaver told u who shes goin to da prom wit this yeer?” Mari askd Purell amd Purina.
“No, that stupid bitch wont tell any1!” Purl said bak to marie. “Besidws i dont care, cuz i got reena as my date and we both dont lile dat mall goff coksuker!11”
“I tink shes cewl, butt i argree she can be mean sumtimes” Callie commeted. Dis cement made Shaving Cream look there way wit a suspiscous expresiom, but den she went back to listenin to air fryer talk bout the brand new undergound raper namd A$ap Inky.
“Shes so mean to me and da udder nerds!” Marina complaynd, and mary nodded her head to show dat she argreed. “I tink she tinks bein smart is a bad ting, even tho she sez its cause she hates preps, even doe most nerds aint even prepy. Me and Puke rite here lisen to metal whitch she shud think is cool anywayz”
“At least you can fix a car” Marie complementd Narnia. “She cant even fix her legs after a nite wit da school footbal team……………………” And every1 laffed cause it was so funy and true. Shimmer woould grow up to be so cewl, butt as a teenager she was such a dik to amlost every1 !!1!
And den suddenly…………………….
“Calie is so sexah!” Calie herd some1 wit a really hot deep voice say as he walkd by. “I wanna ask her oot 4 da prom!!1!”
Callie spun around lik the girliest ice skater eva. At da band kid tabel, she saw ikkan, the super duper extra tall basist who alredy had a gotee, and he wor a cewl blue basebal hatt. He was so ulltra megga sexy and a skater!!!1!
“Omg, Callie, did u here what ikkan said bout u??!?” Marie aksed exsitededly, and callie nodded.
“Dam bitch you geetting game?” Sed pearl
“I hop so!!!111111!!” Respondd kaylee. (AN: FUN FAKT Im grajuatin coleje as a englitcj majer dis yeer!!!!1!!)
Callie tryed to tink, in her brain, behnd her eyrbrows. Wut wood her fav caracters from teen romanse movies do heer? Squiderella from A Squiderela Story would jus wait, rite? “Im gona wait for him ta make a move!” Calie anownced in her hed as she whatched Ikan sit down at da cool kid tabel wit Shitter, Fries, and Gigantic Humanoid Wit Testicls. It wood be the perfect opertunity to sit wit him rn, but she deadicatd herslef to da plan.
“Ur pathetic” said Merry Christmas whn she notised dat Kylie wasnt goin after ikkan. Callie said this in resposne, “Trust da process, twin”
Just then, Perl Jam anownced in a wispery voice, “Im gonna go giv frye some crack lik i promise her erlier, brb” Mary On A Cross saw Purl take oot a bag of shugar and hide it behnd her bakk.
Wen she gott dere, da fire bell in da gym startd ringin, and da skool staf arested her to da principles offise!!!1!
“OMG I GOTTA GO BRAKE HER OOT!” Marinara scremd, runnin after da cops!!!1!