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Droplets of water collected on the cold sink of his bathroom, he watched each one fall to the bottom and form into a puddle by the drain. He was standing across from his mirror, too tired to look up, the world felt as if it were spinning – the fluorescent lights too bright and the air too cold – He hated the cold. Will stepped back, sliding down against the wall and pressing his knees up against his chest. The shirt of his pajamas was soaked from sweat, and his heart was still racing from his nightmare.
He’d been prescribed Benzodiazepines by his psychiatrist for sleep, and despite them not helping whatsoever to reduce the nightmares he continued to re-fill them for the few months they’d been in Lenora. Each night, he’d take his medication and try to sleep, each night he’d be back in the bathroom with the loopy feeling and killer headache. Some nights, he’d take more medication to knock himself out and some nights he’d spend cooped up in the bathroom, staring off into the distance fading in and out of consciousness.
Sure – they’d left Hawkins, but he’d never forget the things he’d seen and gone through.
Tonight, Will was back on the floor, listening to the buzz of the lights above him. He wasn’t thinking about anything in particular, instead trying to forget about the man he saw in his nightmares again. He took deep breaths, trying to calm himself down and to figure out what his next step would be. He slowly got up, turning the tap on and splashing his face with water when his attention shifted onto the mirror ahead of him. His vision was blurry due to the water, making it look like the man was behind him. He whipped his head back, only to have his eyes meet an empty wall. He sighed, facing the sink once more and looking down at his hands. Will's wrists were lined with mostly old scars, evidence of his self loathing and hatred for Lenora.
The last few months had been difficult for both him and El, they were both separated from their friends and El had found herself to be the victim of bullying. Sure, Will wanted to help out – badly, but his underlying fear of getting bullied got the better of him. Whenever Angela would ridicule Eleven, he’d keep his head down and turn the other way. People wanted to be his friend in Lenora, but nobody would accept El, so he decided that they’d stick together. If they didn’t want El – or ‘Jane’ as a friend, they wouldn’t have him either. Looking back at it, it was a stupid decision all things considered, but nobody bothered him whether he had friends or not. Mike stopped reaching out around a month after their move, sending letters to El but giving Will radio silence. Lucas would send letters on the behalf of him and Max, she wasn’t doing so well after Billy’s death so she never bothered to write herself.
On sleepless nights like this, Will would reminisce on the days before everything. When the party would get together to play D&D, when it actually felt like they cared about one another. Will highly doubts that any of them play D&D anymore, considering Lucas is too preoccupied with basketball and Mike made it very clear where he stands on the subject (however he wasn’t too sure about Dustin’s opinion on the game anymore).
Will opened the mirror, exposing the shelves of their medicine cabinet, grabbing his benzos. He didn’t feel like staying awake for another 5 hours. He paused for a moment, looking back up at the other medication that lined the shelving, scanning them for a moment before grabbing another 2 bottles.
He brought them to the floor, dumping them onto the ground and sorting them into piles. He carefully read the packaging, looking for the required amounts. Zoloft, Valium and Benzodiazepines – It was probably not a good idea to take them all at the same time but Will just wanted to sleep. He shoved the medication into his mouth, turning the sink back on and leaning to drink the water straight from the tap. He heard a thud coming from the kitchen, Jonathan was probably back late from smoking pot with that weird guy Argyle again.
He sat back down on the tiled floor, leaning his head back.
5 minutes passed, and he didn’t feel shit. He looks to the side at the discarded medication, he sighs and takes another pill, which is followed by another. Eventually downing the rest of the Benzos, leaving the Valium and Zoloft mostly untouched.
If he didn’t feel it then, he sure as hell felt it now. Will’s head felt as if it were going to split into two. He stumbled through the hallway, trying to reach his door before collapsing on the ground. His wrist was sore from the impulsive decision he made after taking all of his medication. He felt the ground get sticky and gagged from the smell of blood, pushing his arm away from his face.
The moon peeked through the window of his living room, illuminating the sofa and patterned rug. He dragged himself up, wobbling towards the couch, flopping down on it, spreading his limbs across its surface. He flipped himself over, adjusting his eyes to the darkness and making out images on the popcorned ceiling. He saw flowers, then Mike, then dragons, he smiled at the thought of seeing Mike in less than a week. Then he saw the man again, his face contorted into something of a demonic creature from the upside down, a face that was covered in vines and lacked a nose. He closed his eyes but the image remained.
How many pills did he take? He felt his heart beating in his head, and his breathing sped up. Will tried to sit up, only to fall back on the sofa. A tear fell from his eye after reaching a realization, he wasn’t going to see Mike next week, he was going to die here.
He wanted to care so badly, but deep down inside of him he knew that he was asking for it, every time he took his medication he bordered on a dangerous dosage, wishing for the nightmares to stop.
He saw a light flicker on in the bathroom, a figure appearing in the distance. Will’s breaths were rapid, his face felt flushed and hot. His thoughts became hazy, he couldn’t really tell you how he got to this point. His fingers twitched and contorted, his entire body was trembling. He tried to move but his body wouldn’t cooperate, so he gave up and thought about calling out for help.
But all he could think of was Mike.
“Mike” He shouted out, his voice was hoarse and quiet, but it attracted whoever was in the bathroom to step out. Maybe it was Mike.
What would Mike think when he found out Will killed himself?
Would Mike care that he was gone?
Is Mike going to cry?
How’s Mike doing?
Mike?
Nothing really made sense after that, he saw lights, heard noises, a figure entered his vision, then another, then more noises. Sirens, talking, sniffling, Will tried to put a name or a face to the voices but couldn’t. He felt weightless. Eventually, he stopped seeing or hearing anything altogether.
His mom cried a lot, so did El. Jonathan stared off into the distance, rubbing Will's shoulder in an attempt to comfort him. He stayed quiet, looking down on his neatly bandaged wrists, he tunes out their words, thinking about their visit to Hawkins next week. He probably ruined it, they wouldn’t go in his moms fear of something happening while they're out there, El and Jonathan would be miserable over the Christmas break because of Will's selfishness. He looked up at the two of them, placing his hand on his moms, giving it a squeeze and a quick smile directed towards the both of them.
“I promise It won’t happen again, I wasn’t thinking straight.” He mutters.
“Weren’t thinking straight? You could’ve died.” Joyce's voice comes out trembling, she squeezes his hand harder and he's sure she’s crying – he doesn’t know for sure, he’s too ashamed to meet her gaze.
“It was an accident.” Will sighed, looking up at his mom, who’s crying like he suspected. Her hair is in a disarray and her eyes are more sunken than normal. His chest sinks, knowing he’s at fault for his moms current state.
“You took an entire bottle of Benzos and almost all of my Zoloft, that’s not an accident, Will.” Jonathan blurts out. Will looks at him, and Jonathan leans back into his seat, looking over at El who’s been silent this entire time.
“I couldn’t sleep.” He looks back down at his hands. Eleven stands up and walks out of the room, he looks back up, opening his mouth to say something but stays silent and exhales.
The next hospital visit El comes by herself, with Reese's Pieces which Will gladly accepts. It’s a lot less awkward when Joyce isn’t in the same room, weeping.
“You said Mike, why?” She says as Will popped a candy in his mouth, he stares at her for a moment, trying to recall that moment.
“I don’t really remember that.” He shrugged, scoffing down more candy.
The doctors, with Joyce's and Jonathan's persuasion, got Will exempt from being sent to a psychiatric facility, mostly because Jonathan was adamant for him to go to Hawkins over the break. He’d been prescribed with Zoloft, which was to be under strict supervision and when they returned he was strongly advised to schedule regular sessions with a counselor. Ever since moving Will had been neglecting his visits, but now he’s been put on a tighter leash to keep him from “attempting suicide again” which was insane to Will, he wasn’t actually trying to kill himself, he just wanted to get some sleep.
They were on route to Hawkins, to arrive in an hour or so and Will had spent most of his flight staring out of the window, leaning on El’s shoulder with his walkman playing The Smiths on repeat. He cursed at himself for only bringing one tape in his carry-on. El had Hopper's old flannel on, with a navy knit sweater layered on top and cuffed blue jeans, her hair was tucked into a braid and she was looking at some magazine she made Joyce let her subscribe to. She had a pen and was circling different clothes she wanted whilst giggling to herself, probably imagining herself wearing them – Will thought to himself.
Jonathan looked more put together than usual, listening to his own music whilst his mom was zoned out and tapping her foot as if she were panicking about something. Will scratched at his bandage, he replaced it before getting onto the flight and his arms were fully covered by a flannel and sweater. Him and El had accidentally worn almost identical outfits, they saw one another at the front door and burst out laughing. For the first time since moving, Jonathan pulled his camera out to take a photo of what he referred to as “The Wonder Twins Christmas special”.
When the plane came to a stop, he felt himself overwhelmed with dread. He spent the last few months being away from all of these people, how much had they changed in that time? The only person he actually talked to was Lucas and he was probably too busy with basketball to care that Will was there.
The airport was buzzing with activity, despite it being the early morning before the holiday break, some people must've had the same idea as the Byers and left for their destinations early. Will scanned the building for anyone he knew, then he noticed El waving at someone and running off. He saw Mike, who had grown since they left, wearing a shirt that was matching with Dustin. Jonathan and Nancy ran into one another's arms while Joyce walked up to Karen, starting up a conversation. Will slowly walked up to the group, before being hugged by Lucas.
“Will the wise!” He said to him with a wide grin, Will smiled back, noticing the letterman jacket he had on. His name was written on the jacket, along with ‘89’ for their graduating class.
“Your hair changed.” Will noticed, pulling away from the hug. They walked towards the rest of the group and Lucas started talking again.
“Well yeah, It's cool now y’know. Speaking of which, you’ve got some muscle on you now huh? You’re taller now too, we might have to get you to fill in for the game today. ” He laughed. Dustin walked up to the two, hugging Will and pointing at his shirt before beginning to talk.
“I hate to break it to you Lucas, but Will is totally going to Hellfire today.” Will stares at him blankly, noticing Lucas visibly cringe.
“What’s Hellfire?’ He asks, noticing how Dustin's eyes light up.
“It’s this D&D club we joined. It's so cool, I mean Mike is thrilled that he doesn’t have to DM anymore since Eddie usually does it. We all get these T-shirts too. Oh you’ll love Eddie.” They’re playing D&D again, Mike is thrilled. Will wants to crawl into a hole and die but is interrupted by Lucas arguing with Dustin.
“Seriously man, Again? Why is it that all of your campaigns somehow fall on my game days, tell Eddie to cancel.” This gets Mike's attention, who is yet to acknowledge Will at all.
“Why don’t you tell your coach to cancel your game, you know how Eddie is! Besides, Will spent the entire summer asking to play D&D so he’s obviously coming with us, right Will?” Mike finally notices Will, no hug, no hello, just dragging him into some stupid argument.
“I can’t just reschedule a game! You could totally reschedule a campaign though.”
“No, we can't, you know what Eddie’s like.” Dustin argues back. Will tunes them all out, looking at Mike who has El wrapped around her arm. The group is interrupted by Mrs Wheeler who instructs them all to get going.
Will is squeezed into the Wheeler's minivan along with Joyce, Lucas, El, Mike and Dustin. Mike and El are in the seats in front of Lucas, Dustin and him, they’re packed like sardines in the very back seat whilst Mrs Wheeler and Joyce are in the front. Will regrets not getting into Nancy’s car instead.
“No pressure man, you have like 8 hours to decide what you want to do.” Lucas whispers to him, receiving a glance from Dustin.
“Is Max going to the game?” He asks him, Lucas sighs sliding back into his seat and shaking his head.
“Probably not, unless El comes or a miracle changes her mind. She’s been distant recently. I’m honestly scared for her.” He confessed, Will makes a mental note to talk to her later.
Lucas was looking out of the window, like Lenora, Hawkins didn’t get a lot of snow – sure, it was cold unlike California but it still lacked snow.
“You know, Steve and Robin got a new job down at the video store. We could go visit over the break and pick out some movies to watch.” Dustin says and Will smiles and nods, they end up discussing their plans for most of the ride to the Wheelers house.
In the few months they’d been gone, not much had changed. Holly sat by the door and left just as quickly as they’d got there. Ted was reading the newspaper on his La-Z-Boy with the weather channel playing in the background. Will and El head down to the basement, whilst the rest of the group head off to school – because despite the Byers showing up to visit, their parents refused to let the rest skip school.
The two sat in the basement, with some movie playing that El picked out from the Wheelers pile of films. She was closely paying attention whilst Will sat zoned out, thinking about the basketball game later. It's not until he felt El leaning on him that he snapped back into reality. They’d been up since 2 in the morning, so she was bound to fall asleep sooner or later. Will adjusted their positions, covering his sister with a blanket and grabbing a pillow to rest his head on. He had grabbed another blanket for himself which he placed on top of himself. He listened to her slow breathing, feeling himself drift sleep. He closed his eyes, and rested his head on the pillow, feeling her leaning against his shoulder.
He was woken up by Mike barging into the basement, arguing with Lucas yet again, this time being followed by Max. El was sitting by the television watching intently, whilst Will was spread out on the couch, hugging the pillow below him. He stretched his arms out, rolling over to face the party, who seemed to be arguing about the same thing they were discussing earlier that day.
“Even Max is going, please, come just this one time.” Lucas begs, only to be ignored by Mike who’s attention is on Will.
“You’re coming to the campaign, right?” Will darts his eyes around, everyone is looking at him, waiting for his decision. He sits up, locking eyes with Mike.
“Actually, I think I’m gonna go to the game, I don’t really play D&D anymore.” He says, looking over at El who’s the only person unsurprised by his answer.
“Well, then who’s supposed to cover for Lucas?” Mike asks, crossing his arms. He looks at El, who shakes her head.
“Lucas said his game is important, and Will is going.” She gets up and walks over to Max, who’s been zoned out since she stepped into the basement.
“Seriously Will? You spent the entire summer asking to play D&D and now all of a sudden you don’t play? I call bull, you’re just being petty aren’t you.” Mike says, he rolls his eyes in response, getting up to face him.
“Yeah, you guys didn’t want to play D&D and said I needed to grow up, so I did. Besides, it's not like I have a party to play with in Lenora.” Will replied, crossing his arms.
“I don’t get why it’s such a big deal Mike, you guys could just reschedule this campaign and go to his game, then we’re all together and everything’s fine.” He adds, Mike looks annoyed.
“You don’t get it Will, Lucas has been blowing off Hellfire for like a month. If you were here then you’d get it.” Mike scoffed, everyone around them tries to ignore the two and continue with their own conversations.
“But I’m not, I moved away for mine and El’s safety, remember.” Will argues back, Mike looks visibly frustrated with him.
“Whatever, have fun watching a bunch of men play some stupid sport.” Mike says, storming off before getting interrupted by Will.
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Will knows exactly what he means, he just wants to hear Mike admit it.
“Nothing.” Mike makes his way up the stairs.
“Say it.” Will says with a shaking breath, Lucas is looking down at his feet and Dustin is standing awkwardly beside him. The door of the basement shuts and Will looks at the rest of the party, before turning around and walking over to the bathroom. He shuts the door behind him, starting to hyperventilate the moment he steps inside. Mike knows and he hates it, Mike knows and he hates him. A knock at the door brings him back, and he unlocks the door to meet Lucas.
“Hey, are you good?” Will nods, wiping his face off and giving Lucas a smile. They walk over to the rest of the group, Dustin was now wearing a hoodie, covering his Hellfire shirt.
“If you and El aren’t going, neither am I.” He smiles which earns an approving nod from Lucas.
“Are we going to stand here all day?” Max scoffs, El is wrapped around her arm, leaning her head on her shoulder. Her eyes light up and she nods, waiting for Lucas’ response.
Hawkins Highschool is a lot different than he thought it would be, they managed to get good seats, a little too close to the band in Wills opinion, he didn’t really like how loud they were and El didn’t like anything loud in general. Dustin was talking with Steve who Will was honestly still scared of, he didn’t really know what about him was so horrifying to him but he tried to avoid looking at him anyways.
“Will, could you go buy me a Sprite?” She handed him some change and smiled. He nodded – knowing he didn’t have much of a choice. He walked up to the vending machines, noticing one of the guys from Lucas’ team was already there. He’d keep his eyes out for player 22 on the court from now on, he thought to himself. The guy turned around, noticing Will.
“You can go ahead, I’m still choosing what I want to get.” Will walked up to the vending machine, getting El her drink and Reese's cups for himself.
“Wait, you’re Will Byers right?” The boy asks him, and he turns around to face him.
“Uh, yeah.” He says awkwardly, 22’s eyes light up and he smiles.
“Shit, I haven’t seen you all year, where have you been?” Why the hell did this guy care? Will really wanted to tell this guy to mind his business but he kept quiet to let Lucas maintain his normalcy.
“I live in California now, I also have to go, sorry.” He waves goodbye and runs off.
He handed the Sprite to El before taking a seat in between her and Dustin. The game was starting and he looked over at how El flinched as the music began.
No hate to Lucas, but Basketball might be one of the worst sports of all time. In those few hours that Will was forced to sit and watch – a total of 3 interesting things happened.
1.) That weird guy from the vending machine made eye contact with him and ate shit (he got hit in the head with a basketball, then fell over onto the ground.)
2.) Max started an argument with Steve which was mostly one sided and her making him angry for no reason.
3.), He ended up talking with this girl from the band, he had honestly thought she was Steve’s girlfriend but the both of them insisted that they were strictly platonic, emphasizing the capital ‘P’ in platonic. They talked about California and he opened up about his argument with Mike, she ended up joking with Steve calling Mike a Tammy(?) which he didn’t understand but the both of them seemed amused at her comment. Will decided that he was going to talk with Mike, to try to understand why he was being such an asshole to him. Other than these ‘events’, the game sucked, he only really showed up to support Lucas.
But hey, at least they won.
Max and El ditched them, going back to the Wheelers house and Dustin was getting a ride home from Steve which left Will to choose between facing Mike or hanging out with Lucas.
The choice was an easy one.
He was picked up by Mrs Sinclair and called his mom letting her know that he’d be spending the night. Lucas gave him pajamas to wear and Will warned him that he was sorry if he woke him up because of his nightmares.
They sat in front of the television in Lucas’ room, laughing at the bad special effects and eating popcorn. Will missed hanging out with his friends, and despite everything, it felt like Lucas was the one who changed the least. Will had his arms out, meaning Lucas could see the wrapping around his wrist, when he first changed he looked at them for a moment before continuing to talk about what movie they were going to watch. He was grateful that he hadn’t said anything, now he was wrapped up in a blanket leaning his head against Lucas’ bed listening to Lucas rant about the basketball game.
“Will, could I tell you something?” Lucas asks, looking over at him.
“Yeah, sure.” He agrees, shifting his attention onto him.
“Ever since you left, Mike and Dustin have been off, I mean you saw how they acted earlier.” Will nodded in response.
“The thing is, I became popular to help all of us out, I’m tired of being looked down on by everyone. They act like the bullying we faced was the same but –”
“But really It wasn’t.” Will agreed, sighing.
“Yeah, It’s like, I know what they mean, but they really don’t understand. They have the choice to act less like freaks in public. Not trying to be rude but, I still like D&D and nobody knows because I keep my mouth shut. People should be allowed to enjoy what they want to enjoy, but they need to understand I was bullied because of something I can never change.” Lucas says looking at Will who gives him a weak smile in response.
“I get it. It's like, people see the thing that makes you different, a hobby is something you can keep private.” Lucas nods.
“Exactly, You too, you got taken to the upside down, people went to your funeral. That’s not just something you can hide.”
There's more than being ‘Zombie boy’ that clearly I can’t hide very well. Will thought to himself.
“It just sucks, being different I mean.”
“Yeah, it does.” Lucas says, turning back to face the television.
“Can I tell you something?” Will asks him back, earning a nod from Lucas.
“I hate being different, It’s like I can never feel normal. It’s not even just about the upside down, it's everything. I mean, you heard Mike earlier right? ‘have fun watching a bunch of men play some stupid sport’, It probably didn’t mean a lot to you guys but.” Will pauses, he notices that Lucas is looking at him, he thinks about how bad of a decision this is, that Lucas would hate him for being a —.
“I’ve been called a Fag and a Queer my entire life and you guys have defended me. But – what if it’s true.” Tears well up in Will's eyes and he looks down at his trembling hands.
He holds back his tears, praying that Lucas wouldn’t yell at him. Instead, he brings him into a hug.
“Ignore Mike dude, he’s just going through some stupid phase. He’ll come around eventually.” Lucas tells him, patting him on his shoulder. Will looks up at him, bursting into tears.
“If it makes you feel any better, I would still defend you, different or not.” Lucas says with a grin, to which he earns a laugh out of Will, who’s still sobbing. They turn back to watch the movie, with Will leaning into Lucas who’s now rambling on about how Max dumped him and his genius plan. He brings up the guy from the basketball team, but Will is too tired to care about anything right now.
Maybe winter break wouldn’t be as bad as he thought it would be.