Chapter Text
CA: hey kar
CA: howw are you
CA: thats really great to hear
CA: me? im doin great thank you so much for asking
CA: i bought a neww plant yesterday hes doin well
CA: hes a cactus in case you wwere wwonderin or anythin
CA: goes nice wwith the rest a my plants
CA: havent givven him a name yet
CA: any idea im thinkin somethin classy like franco
CA: i can call him frank for short
CA: thats great thanks kar
CA: anythin neww in your life lately
CG: FOR THE EVER FUCKING LOVE OF CHRIST ERIDAN WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT?
CA: ahaha there he is
CG: HUMOR ME FOR ONCE AND COME OUT WITH WHATEVER YOU ACTUALLY WANT TO SAY. YOU NEVER TALK ABOUT YOUR AWFUL DICTATOR PLANTS UNLESS YOU ARE AVOIDING ANOTHER EVEN MORE HORRENDOUS TOPIC. GOD YOURE FUCKING TASTELESS WITH YOUR PLANT NAMES. PLANTS DONT EVEN NEED NAMES, SHIT FOR BRAINS. THEYRE FUCKING PLANTS.
CG: YOU KNOW WHAT JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT BEFORE I GET SUCKED INTO YOUR PEDANTIC SEMI-SOCIOPATHIC BOTANIC SHIT SPIRAL.
CA: wwoww you really know me kar
CA: yeah i guess im stallin (stalin?) here
CA: because i havve like
CA: i havve a *really* awwkwward favvor to ask you
CG: IM NOT GOING TO BLOW YOU.
CA: okay first of all please stop bringin that up tenth grade wwas a bad time for evveryone
CA: and second its not directly invvolvvin you
CG: THEN WHY IS IT SO DIFFICULT TO ASK ME FOR THIS GODDAMN FAVOR THAT APPARENTLY DOESNT EVEN AFFECT ME ANYWAYS?
CA: alright im just gonna preface this by askin a question then
CA: do you knoww any dudes wwho can be painfully obnoxious and annoyin on cue and are also in desperate need of cash
CG: WOW EVEN I NEVER THOUGHT YOUD TURN TO HIRING A FUCKING PROSTITUTE. GUESS I OWE SOLLUX FIVE BUCKS. THOUGH I ADMIT YOUR TASTES ARE STRANGER THAN I THOUGHT THEY WOULD BE. DO YOU ALSO HAVE REQUIREMENTS FOR WHAT DISEASES THEY SHOULD BE CARRYING?
CA: wwait no thats not wwhat im askin at all
CA: wwell not really like i dont wwant to pay someone to bloww me
CA: also wwhos sollux and wwhy is he takin bets on wwhether or not i hire prostitutes
CG: DID I NEVER MENTION SOLLUX TO YOU? HES A GUY I MET IN ONE OF MY CLASSES WHO I SORT OF BECAME FRIENDS WITH. AND SORT OF TOLD A LOT OF STORIES ABOUT YOU TO. SORRY.
CA: i get it im interestin. i make for an interestin story i guess ill take it as a compliment
CG: YOU KNOW NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT THAT GUY ACTUALLY FITS THE DESCRIPTION FOR YOUR AMBIGUOUS PROSTITUTION FAVOR ALMOST EXACTLY. HES ONE OF THE MOST HONEST TO GOD ANNOYING PIECES OF SHIT I HAVE EVER MET IN MY LIFE. HE EVEN HAS A FUCKING LISP TO COMPLETE THE ASININE PACKAGE. IF THAT WASNT ENOUGH FOR YOUR INCREDIBLY HIGH STANDARDS, ONE TIME I PAID HIM TWO DOLLARS TO EAT A CHEETO OFF THE SIDEWALK AND HE FUCKING DID IT WITHOUT SO MUCH AS A SINGLE MOMENT OF HESITATION.
CA: wwoww im swwoonin
CA: you wwanna givve me his number
CG: WAIT JUST A COCKSUCKING MINUTE AMPORA. YOU NEVER TOLD ME WHAT YOU NEED HIM FOR.
CA: youre just tryin to make me do shit i dont wwanna do tonight arent you
CA: anywways remember howw i came out to my family a few months ago
CG: YEAH. HOW DID THAT GO ANYWAYS?
CA: lets just say theres a reason i didnt bring it up till noww
CA: long story short they wwere all fuckin assholes about it but they didnt cut me off or anythin awful like that
CA: so my mom wwanted to make amends or somethin i dont knoww she wwas probably genuinely tryin to be nice noww that i think about it but anywways she invited me to come home and havve dinner wwith the family but you see
CA: i wwas just tryin to be spiteful and i wwasnt thinkin that clearly so i told her i wwas bringin a boyfriend and she didnt wwant to alienate me again i guess so she just said alright and hung up on me
CA: kar i cant fuckin back out noww
CG: OKAY.
CG: OKAY, YOU KNOW THE WHOLE FAKE DATING THING IS SUCH AN OVERUSED ROMANCE TROPE. YOU KNOW THAT RIGHT? LIKE THERE ARE THOUSANDS OF HOLLYWOOD ASSHOLES THAT ARE PAID MORE CASH THAN YOUR FATHER COULD EVEN IMAGINE PUTTING HIS GRUBBY HANDS TO COME UP WITH THIS SORT OF SHIT?
CA: dont have an aneurysm i dont want to pg-13 marry your disgusting lispy friend i just wwanna spite my homophobic parents
CG: STILL THE SMELL OF THIS IRONY IS JUST TOO FUCKING PUNGENT TO IGNORE.
CA: god your gross
CA: so can i havve that kids number noww
CG: WHAT ABOUT I JUST SHOOT THE IDEA BY HIM TOMORROW? I DONT WANT TO FREAK HIM OUT TOO MUCH.
CG: HOW MUCH MONEY SHOULD I TELL HIM?
CA: i didnt think that far
CA: howw poor is he
CG: ERIDAN.
CA: okay wwait fuck i didnt mean it like that you knoww that
CA: just
CA: wwhat is the littlest sum of money i could get awway wwith offerin him to do me this monumental favvor
CG: ERIDAN YOURE DISGUSTINGLY RICH JUST GIVE ME A PRICE AND STOP BEING A PRICK.
CA: okay yeah im rich but i dont wwant my dad to notice me wwithdraww 5000 dollars or somethin and ask me wwhere it wwent
CA: would he do it for 150
CG: I DONT KNOW, MAYBE?
CA: alright you can bargain wwith him but just dont go ovver 500
CA: id prefer if you stayed under 300 though
CG: ALRIGHT.
CG: GOD THIS ALL FEELS KIND OF DIRTY.
CG: DO YOU HAVE A TIME AND DATE?
CA: next friday probably around four if his classes are done
CA: its about and hour and a half drivve both ways dinner so best case scenario wwere back by 9
CA: if my mom makes us stay the night ill givve him an extra 200 on top of wwhatevver i end up payin already
CA: but please make it clear thats like a 1 in 500 chance that wwill happen cause if he does his job right then theyre gonna wwant to get rid of us as soon as absolutely possible
CG: OKAY IM NOT GUARANTEEING ANYTHING, BUT IF HES UP FOR IT ILL GIVE HIM YOUR NUMBER TOMORROW. HE TYPES LIKE A TOOL YOULL KNOW WHO IT IS.
CA: more of a tool than ter?
CG: DEBATABLY, YES.
CA: alright im lookin forwward to it.
CA: night
CG: GOODNIGHT.
CG: STOP NAMING YOUR PLANTS AFTER EUROPEAN DICTATORS.
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TA: 2o ii hear that youre wiilliing two pay 2omeone exuberant amount2 of ca2h two be obnoxious and generally diifiicult two be around.
CA: kar wwas right you do type like a tool
TA: that2 no way two talk two a 2tranger who2 who2 doiing you a huge favor.
CA: wwell thats no fuckin attitude to have wwith someone wwhos payin you an exuberant amount of cash
TA: touche.
TA: how much were you payiing agaiin?
CA: kar didnt tell you?
TA: nope
CA: 150
TA: you cheap fuck kk told me 250. 450 iif ii have two 2tay over.
CA: wwoww so that was just a gotcha moment okay
CA: you really are obnoxious
TA: ehehe you douche.
CA: any other details kar “forgot” to tell you about?
CA: you havve the time an date for evveythin?
TA: next friiday at four dont worry ii already marked iit.
CA: alright so thats that
TA: yeah
CA: yep
TA: 2o what2 your famiily liike and what wiill pii22 them off
CA: oh
CA: my dads a terrifyin business mogul who represses his emotions my moms a traditional housewwife wwho wwishes she did more wwith her life and my brothers just a douche
CA: and i dont knoww i wwas hopin to mostly givve you creativve liberty on that
CA: my family has alwways been rich as fuck so just act like you wwere raised in a barn
TA: ii2 that code for “act liike youre poor”?
CA: uh
TA: hey iit2 fiine iim not here two make everla2tiing friiend2hiip2 ba2ed on mutual re2pect iim here two make money. ii can sacriifiice a liittle priide and act liike ii dont know how two use a fork.
CA: okay yeah that kind of thinkin is good youre off to a good start
CA: if theres pasta be sure to eat it wwith your hands
TA: can do.
CA: just do wweird shit like that and itll be great
TA: okay ii have two more que2tiion2 then ii thiink ii can ju2t wiing iit from there.
CA: alright go for it dude
TA: number one what2 our made up 2tory
TA: iie how diid we meet how long have we been datiing etc.
CA: lets just say wwe havve some classes together and that wweve been together for twwo months
TA: alriight iim gonna need you two wriite out an iin-depth 2tory by next friiday so ii actually have 2omethiing two actually work wiith. ii can be embara22iing a2 hell a2 long a2 you put iin 2ome effort two.
CA: yeah alright thats fair you can read it during the car ride and get all caught up on our nonexistent history together
CA: wwhats your second question
TA: are there goiing two be dii2play2 of phy2iical affectiion iinvolved?
CA: uh
CA: i mean
CA: wwe gotta make it look real
CA: wwill that cost extra or something
TA: ii dont know yet.
CA: wwhat do you mean you dont knoww
TA: ii mean there2 a lot of factor2 involved. liike are you hot? iive never actually 2een you de2piite all the 2torie2 iive heard from kk.
CA: oh my god
CA: *caligulasAquarium sent a photo*
TA: ehehehe holy 2hiit ii wa2 kiiddiing about the “are you hot” part. not bad though, con2iideriing your per2onaliity.
CA: thanks
CA: anywways now that youvve thoroughly trolled me and also managed to call me mildly attractivve are you going to charge extra for physical stuff or not
TA: okay how about thii2: 2tuff like hand holdiing or shoulder touchiing ii2 iincluded iin the 250 dollar package, huggiing or weiird shiit liike face touching ii2 an extra fiive each tiime, and kii22iing ii2 ten dollar2 each tiime.
TA: youre lucky iif you were ugly that would all co2t double.
CA: jesus christ now i really do feel like im hiring a prostitute
TA: kk owe2 me fiive buck2 for real now.
CA: or as a counter deal i just givve you an extra 20 to nevver tell him about the vvanilla prostitution part evver
TA: okay deal
TA: 2o weve agreed now that priiciing is 270 (iincludiing the 20 iin briibe money) +5 for any iintiimate sort of gesture2 +10 for any mouth two mouth contact and +200 iif the weather fuck2 u2 over or 2omethiing and ii have two 2leep there.
CA: yeah fine
CA: if it goes ovver 500 i cant pay you all at once though
TA: a2 long a2 ii get iit eventually.
TA: are we done here?
CA: yeah see you next friday
TA: see ya.
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CA: hey me again so i wwas sitting dowwn to make up a story about howw wwe met and evverythin and i wwas havvin some wwriters block because i realized that i dont knoww a thing about you besides the fact that you are loosely acquainted wwith a friend of mine from high school and are wwillin to act morally dubious for large sums of cash
TA: ii can play along wiith any bull2hiit 2tory you want two tell your parent2.
CA: yeah i get that but i wwant to make it at least a little bit fuckin believable i mean i dont wwanna tell them youre a history major and then find out oh wwait this guy knowws absolutely nothin about history at all
TA: wouldnt that be funny though?
CA: in theory yeah a little bit but i also dont want them to figure out that your persona is literally entirely fabricated
TA: man youre undere2tiimatiing my bull2hiittiing 2kiill2.
TA: iim iin the engineeriing program wiith kk. Aero2pace.
CA: alright im a history major so ill just say that we met in a fuckin gen ed class or something i dont knoww
CA: do you have a family
TA: no.
CA: oh im so sorry fuck
TA: eriidan.
TA: of course ii have a famiily.
CA: you dick some people dont
CA: anywways tell me about your shitty livvin family
TA: my mom2 a hou2ewiife but 2he ha2 a baking busiine22 on the 2iide and my dad2 a piilot. iive got an older brother but he moved cro22 county wiith hii2 gf pretty recently.
CA: god i wwish my brother wwould movve cross country
TA: hey dont be an a22hole ii actually liike my brother.
CA: no offense to your brother im just sayin mine sucks
TA: whatever any more que2tiion2?
CA: do you have hobbies
TA: no.
CA: yeah you do you sarcastic piece of shit
TA: okay yeah ii liike codiing and programmiing outer 2pace retro cla22iic nerd 2hiit viideo game2 and con2piiracy theoriie2.
CA: dont tell me youre part a the tinfoil hat crowwd
TA: nah ii just thiink con2piiraciie2 are funny a2 hell but ii can totally pretend two be iif your famiily would be put off by that.
CA: ahah yeah definitely go off about conspiracies at some point
TA: whiich one there2 2o many good one2
CA: surprise me
TA: alriight are we done here
CA: yeah
CA: wwait one more thing
TA: ?
CA: can i havve a picture of you for reference
TA: *twinArmageddons sent a photo*
CA: holy shit
CA: ahaha holy shit this is fuckin great
TA: ii know iim hot but you dont have two be 2o creepy about thii2.
CA: no its not that but promise not to be insulted
TA: hey 2ay whatever you want. iim not here for re2pect ba2ed friend2hiip2, remember?
CA: okay my family is lowwkey racist theyre gonna flip wwhen i bring home an asian dude this is too good
CA: if you dont mind me askin what uh
CA: wwhat kind of asian are you
TA:okay ii take what ii saiid before back iim 2liightly iin2ulted.
CA: okay sorry listen each time someone in my family says somthin blatantly and irredeemably racist ill givve you another 5
TA: make iit ten and ii get two be the judge of what qualiifiie2 a2 blatant and iiredeemable.
CA: youre just doin this cause you knoww im in too deep to go shoppin around for anyone else at this point
TA: damn right. 2o we have a deal?
CA: yeah
CA: but also wwhats up wwith the 3d glasses
TA: dont worry about iit
CA: as long as you wwear them on friday i wwont
TA: alriight ii can do that. ii look forward two reading your work.
CA: wwhatevver man see ya friday
TA: bye.
TA: btw iim iindiian.