Chapter Text
The situation was, to say the least, baffling.
You look at the error message, hoping you could strangle it with your hands. The message is not percievable to anybody from this world, only seen and able to touch by your hands are very much not corporeal. By that logic, ripping the flying chatbox should be an option, right?
Alas.
You're new here but you're already so fucking done. From the begining to now.
First, you've got 'accidentally killed'. You were sitting at the desk, writing your documents, then POOF! your body's gone. There's only your... spirit? Soul? Whatever you are without your body. The offender of your death was an overworked grim who - get this - mixed the planes of realities and killed you instead of your alternative self. And ain't that a banger?
Well, bullshit I say. I've never believed in that crap. The multiverse, higher powers and accidents of the ineffable kinds. Fuck what you're expiriencing right now, you'll die on that hill. (die again?) Anyway. Bitch was just strung due to world's bullshittery.
Since my body's gone, I was sent to souls 'lost and found' box with a scrap of paper and a number. Corporations for non-corporeal. Yup. Sure. I waited for who-knows-how-long for my number to go, just to learn from very much Edinburgh-accented lady grim that 'oops, sorry love. There's nothing we could do bout it'. I was speechless. I was so mad and baffled but the nice bone person didn't do this shit to me.
I've been pushed onto another hell of corporative stumbling. This shit was so confounding, I (at some point) somehow appeared in reincarnation program. I recieved something called 'the system' and got flicked to the world of Naruto like a booger. With no regard and a landing splat.
Problems? Many. Biggest one? The fucking error stating that 'no body was found, good luck'. Sure, there was something about 'spiritual chakra' and '0 physical chakra' but by your ghostly state, you can figure it out yourself.
So there you are. Standing like a fucking lunatic in feudal japan in your ratty house clothes, unable to interact with the environment, not being percieved by ANYTHING and having a watch-like tattoo on your wrist with a holo flashing messages Ben10 style.
Bitch what is your life right now.
You go through the tantrums. You deserve them! In this situation? Bitch of course it is understandable! 26 is a stupid age to die at your desk doing paperwork! No medical conditions, no house problems, nothing! Nada! Well... Not like people would know. Your body just disappeared. The case of your disappearence would probably be labeled as missing person-
Ah damn it all.
You try to sit at the nearby rock just to phase through it onto the ground and then float up... like a ghost... that you guess you are now. Getting to the now your new life, you check yourself over and tap those tattoos wrapped around your wrist like a wristwatch to get the messages. The you you see is indeed you. Yup. Nothing changed, for better or worse. Apart from not feeling anything. Physically that is. The ligt of the holo chatbox does sting your eyes though. You can only read them with a squint, 'read' in a broad meaning of the term. You can sense the message, not really see the words written. Anyways. The messages are just a 'System' manual and a tutorial on 'jutsu'.
Man, you don't think you want to. Just, just no. No to everything. You get through the messages just to hold your head in your hands.
This cannot be fucking happening.
A 'Looney-tunes system' that earns you profits 'in your new, exciting life!' as a recompensation (sure, hilarious, laugh it up.) and a tutorial for "yin release: clone technique".
It, admittedly, takes you quite some time to even start trying out your 'gifts'. The system works more like achievements and builds in games than shop to scroll through. The closest image you could compare the thing to is a tree-like structure with the options blurred out. By your gamer knowledge, you assume they'll unblur when you check off the previous achivements in 'the tree'. The only option that is 'readable' is the first one. "Get a body."
That sounds like a red flag.
Instead you go for the 'jutsu'. Like the tutorial said, you imagined yourself and copy the hands positioning. First intertwined and then pointy fingers up.
Nothing.
You try again and again.
Still nothing.
...
You took a walk to calm yourself.
The place you've been dropped to was not that remarkable. A clearing with some forest fast away and a river going by. The weather seems nice, if maybe a little chilly. The sounds of nature do calm you a little. go to to the river and watch it flow. You can't feel the tall grass passing through you nor the wetness of water undisturbed by your palms. A true ghost.
Shaking off emotions, you 'dip' your feet in the water and try again at the hands positions.
...
After some tries it worked. It did. What apparently you've been doing wrong was to flimp between the signs either by breaking the hold. And when you did actually switch the hand signs immedietly without breaking the hold, you kept on lifting the middle fingers a little to not break your fingers. The 'proper' way seems to get your hands uncomfortable. Oh and thumbs. Thumbs have very specific position that you cannot shift even a little. Stupid, but it worked.
You guess the tutorial had some lies in it. Like the name. There was no clone. After doing the 'jutsu' you got flipped into a body. A very cold body with their feet still in water.
It was not fine.
And it got way worse when you noticed two groups of people, coming into the clearing. By their get-ups they looked like warrios. Warriors, that you could recognise. Senju and Uchiha. Well, shit. You know near to nothing about this period in this world.
The situation on the clearing quickly switched into a battleground. Before even anything got thrown, you got startled by one of the warrior's battle cry. You slipped and hit your head on the rocks, your incorporeal self shooting up like a rubber ball, leavin no body behind. Just some smoke. You looked around but nobody seemed to notice your blunder. Slipping to death just to leave a fart in your place is not a party trick you want to parade around. Thanfully, they just kept on fighting. They were too busy screaming, jutsu-ing nad basically swishing pointy bits around.
Fucking hell.
You knew a little of this world - the world of Naruto. And you knew it was bloody. This tho? That's a full 4k blood bath and killing you do not wish to partake in. You don't really want to see it either. Especially after seeing their ruthlessness. You decided to leave all this fighting and move towards the Uchiha's side. (Yeah, it was not a good option but there was no one better. You'd be fucked if you weren't basically cheating at life.)
When you get far away enough, you try your 'clone' again, appearing where you were flying. Not good on your Achilles tendons. Very much uncomfortable. Thankfully, your previous state of wet-from-river feet is not there! Nice. If only you had socks and shoes to not stab your soles with the local debris.
You walk through bramble aimlessly. There's literally nothing you have here and you start to feel tired and hungry. You also notice a kid speeding by. Looks like child Senju. What does he do on this part, you don't know. Neither seems the kid. The difference between you two: you don't care. e does care that he sees you there though. Stopping in his tracks, he does try to intimidate you with a sharp knife. You don't even turn his way. You just ignore it and keep on walking. One would suspect that'd make him not interested. Thrown for a loop maybe. But noooo. You don't have that much luck! He went after you. As in took a sprint at you, grabbed your hand and pulled you somewhere.
Maybe if you knew Japanese you'd understand his babbling... or be able to tell him to let you go. The little goblin's grip is damn strong. AND he pulls you like you weigh nothing. Bah! When you try to pull away he swoops you into a fire fighter carry! Humiliating.
As he goes, you don't even try to fight. You just gave up. Whatever he wants with you means nothing to you.
After being carried around, the kid drops you at the Senju territory. You know, because you two have been turned around by the guards at their settlement. You assume he's been taken a to chew him over bringing a rando into their house. You though, you are in a lingual conundrum called language barrier. You can't even gesticulate, since you've been tied up. They even call the two ramas here.
You expected Tobirama to be anal to work with but his brother? Sure, Tobi is pragmatic and extrimely causious but he's not an ass about it. You guess like in canon. Hashirama's portrayal tho was of a bubbly god-tier bean! This guy here is definitely a leader. You not speaking their language seem to put a twinkle in his eyes but he didn't drop the proper clan head persona.
There's some talking. There's some threatening. There's also some food when your stomach gurgles. All in all, not an awful situation. Them giving you food should've clued you in that they want to keep you for a little longer. Quite confusing. You expected them to get rid of you. You're basically a risk of being a spy. Tobi seems to think so too but one stern bark from his brother and there were no protests. Damn, that brotherly trust must be able to do wonders. Anyway. They do get into a reluctant agreement of some sort and push you into newly created wood cell-box. They do untie you though. here's even a half-wall to give you some dignity on using toilet-hole-in-the-floor. All in all, B'n'B 3 stars.
They left you there for few days. Sure, someone comes in to try to get some information out of you (as well as feed you) but its nothing riverting. Mostly it's just you, your box, sensors chakra (your stay now makes you aware of) and going through your wrist tattoo. You've received a few rewards for unknowingly fulfilling achievements. For stupid first death you can now unsummon yourself (your clone body?) with a 'swish of your chakra in brain'. You also recieved a reward for next achivement that was hidden, now called "magic trick". "For houdini out of the box." Read: desummoned body, walk through the wall, summon body. Rearward: a jutsu called Magen: False surrounding. Sounds like a genjutsu. Something tells you it's to cause even more fuckery. Not like the description and the note at the end of: "gets better with the more unhinged, cartoony way you use it" tells you otherwise. It seems to also have a strong imagination-based... Base.
...
Your life is a spectacle.
You decided to try the ms. Megan genjutsu. You get the nearby stick, place it inside the box (which takes some maneuvering to stand up) and Megan that into a BRB signs. That's Lonney tunes enough, right? Though, when the image forms... it has... quite some characters in Japanese. You have no idea what they mean.
...
Fuck it. Hopefully it means the same.
You go away from the settlement to take a walk. As relaxing as it would've been, there's a lot of deadly traps around. Some straight discorporate you, some make you feel pain before you swish your brain. You do get to watch some rabbits skipping around tho. You just follow them to not get killed. And ain't that a nice thing to learn. Animals don't mind you if you don't get too close. As if they feel you're not the dangerous one. And to be fair, you're more dangerous to yourself than to them.
You've been watching a snail rat some fungus when your tattoo gets a message. You're a little bit curious but the snail is very cute. The shell on their back is so pretty! Plus, if this one talks with the snail sages, it might be a good contract to have
You make yourself discorporate when a chakra pulse goes by you. They must've found you missing. And by the feel of the chakra wave, they're not very amused. Oh well!
You look at the acorns that dropped from you pockets. All that work of gathering them gone to the ground! Literally! After some seconds, there's Tobirama next to you, standing on your acorns. You use all your cheesy theatre skills and weep dramatically over the crushed tree egg-newborns-potentialfood. The 'system' doesn't give you a point for that. What a scam. Well, now there are two displeased humans in this area.
Welp, that's a good enough reason to go back. As good as any, really. On your return, you notice the lack of your change in looks. No grass stains, no hair rufflement. Nada. Clean like you've just appeared in this world.
Won't that make them suspicious.
You didn't get lost but if you fly quite high up to see where you should be going, that's none of anyone's business. You don't have big problems with navigation but forest around here is damn dense. When you finally get to your wooden prison, you pass all those discussing Senju and get inside. Someone broke your genjutsu stick! Rude much!
You consider making them wait for you but there really is no point than being petty. That's what you don't want to be to those trigger happy family.
Making sure to time it correctly, you do the prayer signs and bam, you're there. Funny enough, they don't notice you till Tobirama appears in a flash. Not a raijin one. Just some other chakra bullshit. Oh he is pissed. Oh he iS INSIDE. WAIT WAIT.
You get kneed in the face from behind and pushed into the wooden floor, your arms up held in a painful position.
The hell man.
With both your arms held up, he shifts you sideways and slaps a paper to your throat. There fierce makes you cough. You can feel another also on the back of your head, another sticky paper touching between your ears. If he wants to get it out of his system, you're a bad target.
"Who are you." Says his deep voice.
Seals. You can understand him. He made seals to communicate. In less than a week. What the hell is that man?!
"I won't be repeating myself."
Okay, okay. Pissed Tobi aside, what to tell them. Nothing stupid, sure, but truth is also not an option.
"I'm me?" 10/10 Great job.
You hiss at the forceful shift of your arms. Yup, you deserved that
The interrogation goes similar way. Your trying to not give your secret to a very pissed man. It doesn't go long, no. You don't like pain. So, you do a stupid and go: "yeah, this is unpleasant. I'll be leaving now. Call me when you actually want to talk." And then poof your body away. The seals he put on you flew to the floor uselessly.
Ah, you forgot!
You appeared again, quickly grab the seal you had on your throat, move away from him, place it on your neck and say "Oh and thank you for the food!" and poof away.
Again. Stupid not-stupid action on your part You should've expected the reaction it got. You do get a point in the system for that!
Welp that was a thing.