Chapter Text
"Mira? What are you doing here?"
39 days and 17 hours
It still felt like she had been pushed underwater, like she had taken all the oxygen and left her to find her way back to the surface.
Mira taps her phone screen without unlocking it just to see her. She lets the screen go dark before tapping it again, bringing up that picture of them at Lotte World: Zoey in her favourite yellow overalls flashing that bright smile she always wore when it was the two of them, freckled cheeks slightly sunburned, arm extended above them as she took a selfie, capturing Mira looking at her the only way she knew how — with something akin to love and awe.
Zoey had immediately set it as Mira's lock screen background before sending it to herself and doing the same. "You look at me like I'm the only moon in your orbit. I hope you know that you're the only one in mine, too."
It had become a habit, a bad one at that. Tap on her phone, look at the picture until the screen dimmed, feel her chest get tighter, tap on her phone again, and again and again until she couldn't breathe. Only then would she unlock her phone and pretend to go through her messages — there was never anything new, something she was acutely aware of every time she started this dance — and let her fingers swipe over to social media, Zoey's social media.
1 new picture.
Black hair, down and blowing in the wind. Short pink hair under a yellow beanie. Fingers intertwined.
She locks her phone with more force than is necessary, fighting the growing pressure behind her eyes. She knew what she was doing, knew this would happen, knew she would see him again just like every other day for the past 24 days, knew it would make her heart break some more, like fractured glass put under continuous pressure. She did it anyway.
"I'm sorry Mira, I just don't think I can do this. You should be with someone who is here, loving you the way you deserve, and that can't be me; not when I'm halfway across the world."
78 days and 6 hours
It hits like a tidal wave — usually sometime around 3 in the morning — crashing into her unexpectedly, taking small pieces of her carefully constructed walls along with it.
I don't think I realize just how much I miss you sometimes.
The cursor blinks steadily, unaware of the tear tracks down her face, her ragged breathing, the choked sobs she's tried to keep down for the last 23 minutes finally breaking free.
She highlights it all, thumb hovering over the words for a moment, then presses delete.
134 days and 11 hours
The tightening in her chest had finally started change, to morph into something different. It was still there, still present, still constricting, but she'd finally learned how to breathe around it. How to be.
She would hardly consider it existing let alone living, even if she is still alive and breathing.
It had gotten easier to rationalize everything, too. He was probably a friend. Probably just a friend, not someone Zoey had run to shortly after they had broken up. Zoey wouldn't just replace her high school sweetheart with the first reminder of her, right?
The pink hair was just a coincidence, she reminds herself while taking a deep breath.
Four years meant more than that, right? What they had meant more than that.
Right?
175 days and 1 hour
Long, purple braided hair. Black hair in two braided buns. Arms around her neck, pressing a kiss to her cheek.
She's swept by the unexpected current, plunging her deeper and deeper.
She can barely see the light.
222 days and 22 hours
It's the three of them now. One on each side of Zoey. His hand on Zoey's waist, her hand holding Zoey's like it belongs there.
The pictures have all been the same for the last 17 days: Zoey smiling bright and carefree, flanked by purple and pink, turned to her like sunflowers to the sun. Sometimes holding hands, sometimes pressed up against each other, sometimes the two of them holding Zoey between them like she's the most precious thing on this planet.
And she can't blame them, she is.
Mira longs for her in ways she never thought imaginable, misses her like she lost a part of her soul, like someone sawed off a piece of her body — a phantom limb she feels an inexplicable pull towards. And it hurts.
It fucking hurts.
289 days and 10 hours
They're still there, still constant in her life, even after the school year is over.
'To new beginnings' the caption had read. An empty apartment, black flanked by purple and pink, all three of them lifting colourful sodas in glass bottles to celebrate.
It settles cold and resentful on her chest, cutting like a block of ice wrapped in barbed wire as it buzzed between her ribcage.
She can't compete. She can't give her what both of them already do. She's just her, angry and broken, complicated and hard to love. She couldn't compete.
But she had to try.
Two months. She just needed to wait two more months and then she could try.
341 days and 18 hours
"I had to try."
Zoey's standing in the doorway, eyes wide and hair tangled, oversized shirt falling off her right shoulder, wearing her turtle slippers. The turtle slippers Mira had gifted her during their last year of high school.
She's never looked more beautiful.
"No, I mean… how are you here, in California?" The question is soft, too soft, like speaking up will somehow make her wake up and realize it's all a dream.
"I crawled back to my parents, spent the last year doing what they asked, finally being the daughter they wanted, and asked them to let me come to the US for school. Leveraged some connections with other chaebol kids who had come out here for a degree to try and convince them."
"Mira…"
She can see the glossiness in Zoey's eyes, recognizes that almost imperceptible lower lip tremble that happens right before her body will be wracked with uncontrollable sobs. Mira steps closer and places her hand on Zoey's arm, moving her thumb in soothing circles.
"I know you're probably with someone else, or someones, but I-" her voice breaks. Mira clears her throat and tries again. "I just had to try."
"What? I'm not…" Zoey follows Mira's eyes towards the apartment behind her, a shaky laugh falling from her lips. "We're not together. Not like that."
Her heart beats a little faster, light finally cracking through the dark depths she's been struggling to survive in for the past 341 days.
"So, this is not long distance anymore."
"I just wanted you to find someone who would be there, who would make you happy, Mira."
"It's you, Zoey. It's only ever been-"
She feels lips on hers before her brain can catch up. Zoey's hands move to hold her face softly as she deepens the kiss, slowly walking backwards to get Mira across the threshold and close the door behind them.