Chapter Text
“What do I—ugh, maybe if I had…”
Pomni was in the process of making tracks in her carpet from the sheer amount of pacing she’d been doing all evening. She’d expected everything to go wrong the moment Caine let Jax have access to guns, but yesterday had gone surprisingly well.
Until it didn’t.
She couldn’t tell if Jax was actually mad at her. She knew he was doing some sort of emotional-masking-façade-s#!%, but it was hard to tell how much was the truth. She hoped it wasn’t much.
“Listen, Jax,” she said to the wall, “I’m aware you’re hiding your emotions from me, but I’m not upset—no, that’s too forward—I know you didn’t mean what you said—GOD, that’s too accusatory—what does he want from me?! Uuughhhhhhh.” She finally quit her pacing, instead faceplanting directly onto her bed. “If I were Jax, what would I want from me…”
She could practically smell the smoke rising from the cogs turning in her brain.
Wait…if I were Jax…
Pomni got to her feet, putting on her best I’m-tough-and-mean-and-nonchalant face. With a slouch, a halfhearted smirk, and a terrible Jax impression, she continued her pacing.
“I’m Jax, and I hate expressing my emotions. I’m really sucky at apologies so I wouldn’t want Pomni to apologize even though she’s a dumb idiot who messed everything up—UGH, no—Jax f^@%€& up, not me! Uh—I’m Jax, and I said a lot of stuff I don’t mean! But if anyone confronts me about it, I’ll just get angry because I hate being called out!”
She groaned, running her hands down her face. What would Jax even accept from her?? “But—but I secretly care about Pomni! I just don’t wanna tell her ‘cause that would be…dumb! And feminine! Or something! I don’t know! I’m just a stupid misogynistic purple BUNNY with a bad case of toxic masculinity and I’m scared of corn and pomegranates and—”
“Uh.”
Pomni wheeled around, face flushed. Who was—oh GOD WHY WAS JAX IN THE DOORWAY WHAT THE F$!%. OF COURSE IT WAS HIM WITH HIS STUPID KEYS.
“Am I interrupting something?” he asked, his foot mildly tapping against the ground. He looked tired.
“What—no—I’m not—I was just—I wasn’t —um—this is embarrassing.”
“Yeah, uh. Okay.”
Weird. No snarky remark.
“I…uh…wanted to give you something,” he said, glancing at his feet. One of them was still tapping.
Thump.
Thump.
“Give…me something?” Pomni asked. “Jax, I—”
“Just shut up,” he said, but there was only a halfhearted bite to it.
Thump
Thump
Thump
He paused before speaking again. “It’s…it’s not really that important, I’ll just—”
“Jax, hold on. We need to talk.”
Thump thump thump
“Yeah, no thanks, Pompom. I’m not interested.” His tone was nowhere near as bitter as his words.
“Then…what did you bring me?”
He glanced around the room, pupils darting haphazardly. “It was just—a prank, yeah? I was gonna hide some, er…old food in here when you were out, so it would stink. I didn’t expect you to be…”
“In my room?” Pomni finished.
“Standing there pretending to be me.”
“Well—I just—you don’t understand—”
“Forget it, Pomni. I’m gonna go.”
“Jax, don’t run away from me. Why did you really come in here? Food doesn’t exactly go bad in this place.”
Thumpthumpthump
“Fine, I just…” He glanced out in the hall before shutting the door. “I didn’t mean to blow up on you yesterday. Just pretend it never happened.”
“What?”
“Don’t make me say it again.”
“No, I heard you. Jax, that’s not—are you trying to apologize to me?”
Thumpthumpthumpthumpthump
“That—well—GOD, yes, Pomni, yes, I am!” The foot tapping stopped as he stomped forward, ears drooping. “I don’t want you to abstract, okay! I just wanted you to stop asking me stupid questions!”
“Hey, slow down, we can work this out, okay? I get it—”
“I don’t WANT to work anything out! I want you to stay away from me!”
“I…don’t follow.” Pomni watched as Jax ran his hands across his face, pulling them away to reveal that unnerving, neutral smile.
“I don’t care if you get it or not,” he said. “It’s just not as funny to bully you when you think you’re my friend.”
“Stop doing that.”
“What?”
“That! That whole—you start to actually express how you feel, then we’re back to square one because you start spouting s#!% you don’t mean! It’s not getting us anywhere, Jax!”
He stared at her. His smile was gone, but his face remained entirely neutral.
“Just back up! Please. Why do you want me to stay away from you? Is it something I did?”
He huffed a little, just the slightest expulsion of air through his teeth. It was almost endearing. Almost. He was silent after that for a long beat.
“You didn’t do anything,” he finally answered. “You’re just…” Jax trailed off, his arms dropping to dangle at his sides. He looked…sad.
“I’m just what?”
“Ragatha’s right, okay?” he said, and his voice was quiet. Quieter than Pomni had heard him in a long time. “I’m corrupting you. Driving you crazy. Nobody actually likes hanging around me, ya know. They think they do, but then they can’t take it anymore and they hide away in their rooms until they go nuts and f^€#!£& die. Abstract, die—what’s the difference anyway?”
“What are you talking about? I do like hanging out with you.”
“You pity me.”
“Don’t—don’t you do that, don’t put words in my mouth,” Pomni said. “I do enjoy your company. The only one here who’s pitying you is yourself.”
Jax scoffed. “What?”
“You’re being self-deprecating for some reason! I can sense that something has happened with you that you won’t tell me about. Because this—this pushing me away nonsense—it has nothing to do with me! I’ve never given you any reason to think I don’t like hanging out with you!”
Jax’s shoulders shook. Pomni noticed his breathing was growing irregular. “No,” he said. “Anything that happened to me before you got trapped here is not your business. It’s no one’s business. It’s no one’s but mine!”
Despite his aggression, he was at least beginning to open up instead of spouting lies to push her away. Pomni was a tad relieved, although she hated to admit that. “Look, if it’s that personal, I don’t need you to tell me about it! Okay? You don’t have to tell me what you’ve gone through, just—stop pretending like I’m so fragile! I’m grown, I can think for myself, and if anything would push me closer to abstraction it would be losing you. So stop treating me like this just because of whatever you went through.”
Jax went still.
“Jax…?”
“You’re just like him.”
“Jax, what do you—”
Pomni flinched as Jax pulled her into an abrupt hug. He had to crouch down to be on her level, but she didn’t mind it so much. It was nice to finally be equal.
“No hard feelings over yesterday, okay?” he said, and Pomni had to hold her breath to hear him fully.
“Of—of course not.”
“But you have to let me go.”
He stood up again, and there it was; no longer were they eye-to-eye. It hit Pomni all at once how they’d never been eye-to-eye, not the way they were when he’d bent down to meet her level.
She wanted him to be on her level again.
“No.”
“I expected as much.” His voice was thin, thin and cold like the first winter’s frost that crushes so easily beneath even the softest foot. “I’m not asking, Pomni. I’m not a—an experiment to be studied, a project to be fixed, I’m just…bad luck.”
Bad luck.
A broken mirror, a black cat. That’s all he thinks he is?
“No wonder you’re such an a$$#@/€ all the time,” Pomni finally said. “You’re secretly almost as insecure as Ragatha.”
“What??”
“You’re being ridiculous, Jax. Bad luck? Is that really what you think you are?”
“I mean—come on, I try to be serious for once and you treat me like some kinda joke—”
“You’re not bad luck. That’s stupid. Come on, don’t you think that’s stupid? Who do you think you are, the tragic multifaceted villain of a high fantasy novel?”
“What??”
“You’re not! Okay? You’re not a villain, and you’re not tragic. Do you hear me? You’re not going to be tragic, not now, not ever. We’re all going to make it out of here alive.”
“Even Gangle?”
“Jax!”
“Well, I mean, she nearly abstracts, like, every other day—”
“That’s not the point, stop changing the subject.”
“Changing the subject? You said we’ll all make it out alive, and I asked a relevant question. I’m being a good example for the rest of the class.”
“Har-dee-har-har, very funny, Jax—”
“I’m hilarious.”
“Yeah, keep telling yourself that. I was in the middle of an encouraging speech.”
“Who says it was encouraging?”
“Excuse you! You seem pretty encouraged. Look, you’re laughing, that means I’m doing my job.”
“Oh my god, shut up,” Jax said, but his laughter was genuine. “Who said it was your job to encourage me?”
“I did, loser.”
“Oh, wow, name-calling. That’s a low blow, Poms.”
“You name-called yourself first!”
“What the heck? Who says it like that?”
“Like what??”
“Name-called! Nobody says that.”
“Oh my god, semantics.”
“You sound like—80 years old now. You sound like Kinger.”
“At least I don’t sound like you.”
“Ha! Sure, but who was impersonating me when I walked in? Seems like somebody was trying to sound like me.”
“Hey, that was for a reason!”
Jax snorted. “What reason, roleplaying? Pomni, I need to ask you a serious question; how much time did you spend on Tumblr before getting sent here—“
“Oh, shut up.”
“You were totally one of those—those chronically online…people.”
“Takes one to know one. Also, that insult fell off.”
“I don’t know any slurs for internet addicts, what do you want me to say?!”
“Why a slur? Just call me a dumbf^%# like every other incel.”
He burst out laughing. “Incel?? You know the word incel??”
“I don’t live under a rock, you idiot! I had a YouTube channel!”
He snorted again, nearly doubling over in laughter. “I forgot about that! If we ever get outta here—”
“When we get out of here.”
“Yeah, yeah, when we get outta here, you gotta give me the links to some of your videos.”
“That…sounds nice,” Pomni said. “I’ll do that. We can make videos together, too.”
“Ya know what? Heck yeah. Sure. Why not?”
She giggled again. “Sounds like a plan, then.”
The room settled into silence, but it was comfortable. Warm. Like sitting in front of the fireplace the night of Christmas Eve, or skipping rocks across a pond in the summer.
It felt natural.
It felt right.
It felt real.
“Do you wanna stay here tonight?” Pomni asked. She didn’t know why she asked it, or where the courage came from, but she was glad she did.
“Huh?”
“Sorry, I…I just felt like we both needed some company.”
“I—you know what? Sure, Pomni. Maybe I will.”
“Maybe? So indecisive.”
“Screw you, screws-loose.”
They both chuckled a little. Pomni climbed into bed, scooting over to give Jax some room. He settled in next to her, and despite the fact that she expected it to be awkward, it wasn’t.
“Please don’t shut me out,” she eventually said, turning to him.
“As long as you promise not to abstract.”
“I wasn’t planning on it.”
“Then it’s a deal?”
“Deal.” She held up her pinkie finger.
“You’re such a child,” he said.
“We have to seal the promise somehow! Got any better ideas, genius?”
He hooked his pinkie with hers. “Probably, but I don’t care enough to come up with any right now.”
“Yeah, okay.”
Pomni didn’t dream that night, but she felt more rested than she had in a while. Jax was in her arms, and the stress in his expression had faded. Even if it was only temporary, it was good. It was a type of good they had built together. Pomni planned to hold onto that, at least for a while.