Chapter Text
“Dad, are we there yet?”
Hae stares at Till from the backseat as she kicks her feet, her uniform already forming wrinkles after Till went through the effort of ironing it this morning and nearly accidentally burning his hand in the process, quickly wondering if he should have even bothered. They hadn’t even made it to the school, and almost everything was already a mess.
A quick look at the rearview mirror means noticing that her blue ribbon necktie has already started hanging loose, her pink hair that used to be up in two buns (keyword being used to be) has started deflating, the strands pooling just over her shoulders but still in a sort of half-tied state that’s barely hanging in there, and to top it all off, there’s a mysterious smudge that’s appeared on her cheek from God knows where, the prime suspect being the Nutella sandwich she was munching on the way here because they were running a little bit late. And no, not late for Hae’s classes per se, but late to arriving early because he liked to talk to a certain teacher for at least a few minutes whenever he dropped Hae off.
Till sighs.
“No.”
“Why not?”
“Because–” Till exhales sharply. “We’re still a few minutes away. We take this route nearly every day, and we’ve run into every red light, you know–”
And then Till stops abruptly, wondering why he’s arguing with a seven-year-old. He should know better than this, and he trains his attention back on the road, fighting the urge to sigh a second time.
“You can say it’s your fault because you wanted to go to the coffee shop,” the girl huffs, her arms folded over her chest as she gives him an accusatory look. “We were there for a long time, and now we’re late.”
Okay, Till is throwing hands. Figuratively, or well, through words, he supposes. He’s not a monster. Hae tests every limit of his patience on a daily basis.
“Grown-ups like coffee,” he grits through his teeth.
“Teacher Ivan doesn’t. But you keep getting him one anyway.”
“Of course he does,” the gray-haired boy interrupts.
“Nuh uh.”
“All adults like coffee.”
“No way.”
“Yes way.”
Till lets out a deep breath, his teal gaze back to the traffic light that ticks from yellow to red as they approach, drumming his fingers at the top of the steering wheel as he glares at it like it will magically change the color. It had to be the fifth red light he’s hit that day, and his grip tightens as annoyance bubbles in his chest, then he grumbles, “Fu–”
From the backseat, Hae clears her throat, and Till sees her folded arms and raised eyebrow in her reflection from the rearview mirror.
“–dge brownies.”
She gives him a thumbs up, and Till sighs loudly.
“You sigh a lot,” she says.
Her comment makes him want to sigh again, but he doesn’t want to give her the satisfaction.
“Are we there yet?” She adds when he doesn’t say anything.
“Nope.”
“But are we almost there?”
“Yes.”
They were about ten minutes away at best, stuck behind the stupid lights that are seemingly taking forever to change back. Have they always been this torturously slow?
“You’re cranky today.”
He opens his mouth without really thinking about what he’s going to say next. “Hae–”
“You know what would make you feel better?”
Till is taken aback for a moment, and he blinks. “What?”
“Teacher Ivan.”
There is a beat, then another longer one before his mouth hangs open slightly. “Teacher Ivan?”
“Teacher Ivan,” she repeats like it’s the most serious thing in the world, and maybe it is, because where the hell did she get that idea?
“And…” he licks his lips. “What makes you say that?”
“You always smile really big when you see him.”
The light turns green, and Till whispers a silent prayer of thanks to the traffic gods as he finally gets the car back in motion. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I smile like, all the time.”
Hae looks at him, unimpressed.
“No you don’t.”
“Yes I do.”
“Nuh uh.”
“Uh huh.”
“No way.”
“Yes way–”
He stops the car because they hit a red. Again. “F–”
Behind him, Hae folds her arms.
“–iretruck.”
Till wants to scream.
While waiting, a song that he likes comes on the radio, and he turns the knob for the volume, humming quietly to himself and mumbling a few of the words. As drivers usually do, he preoccupies his time by sneaking a glance at the other cars next to him, peering quickly at the drivers as he continues singing. Nothing important to note, and all the other drivers are boring, as opposed to the one time he saw someone eating a whole bowl of cereal in traffic (yes, the bowl and all).
“You don’t sing a lot anymore,” Hae points out very helpfully.
The humming stops, and the statement makes his chest tighten a little, but he doesn’t allow it to linger. “I guess not.”
“Why?”
“Because–” Till licks his lips. The light changes, and he drives to the next turn. “Things change.”
“So you don’t like singing anymore?” She tilts her head, eyes wide with genuine wonder.
“I never said that. I still like singing.”
Hae’s brows furrow. “Then why don’t you sing anymore?”
“I have a different job now,” Till explains fruitlessly.
Singing and performing used to mean everything to him, back in the days when he was in a band with some friends from college, and it was everything he could have ever dreamed of. They all had great chemistry, and Till was so proud of all the music they were creating. After years of hard work, it was picking up too, with sold out gigs at decently sized venues every few nights, plus, a second studio album on the way.
But then of course, the incident happened, and it was a decision that should have been difficult to come to terms with. The kind that should have lasted for days and weeks and months on end, an endless string of second-guesses to leave behind everything he worked for. But in the end, the decision was easy… instant, even, as easy as it was to breathe, and there was no hesitation for Till to tell his bandmates they had to look for another guitarist.
“Oh.” There’s a pause for a good minute before, unsurprisingly, Hae continues it with, “Are we–”
“Yes, Hae,” Till mumbles. “We’re here.”
He pulls into a parking spot close to the entrance of the primary school, readjusting the steering wheel and pulling up the handbrake. He takes his seatbelt off at the same time as Hae, getting out of the car as he walks over to the other side and opens the child-locked door. He unties her now fully deflated hair buns, bunching it all together into a sad sort of high ponytail that had a lot of hair still messily sticking out, then uses the bottom of his shirt to wipe the chocolate smudge on her cheek, the stain now living elsewhere.
He grabs her backpack and helps her put it on, making sure it's fitting snugly, then remembers to fix her tie before it falls off, so he undoes the hasty knot, retying it a bit more securely so it lasts a few extra hours at least (anything after that can be Ivan’s problem). Then he closes the door and grabs the coffees from the cup holders at the front, his own Iced Americano already half empty from the drive, and he takes another sip out of habit.
Like clockwork, Ivan is the teacher on duty on Friday mornings, responsible for making sure the drop-offs are going smoothly, and Till sees him in the corner of his vision. Clad in a navy blue sweater with the white button down shirt underneath it peeking out of its collar, smoothly ironed slacks, his hair looking so fluffy – and as always, he wonders what it would be like to run his hands through it and if they are as soft as they look. Till makes the very helpful conclusion that he looks so good today, but he does every single time he sees him, so he doesn’t know if there’s a point. Regardless, it doesn’t stop him from thinking about it.
Hae runs towards Ivan with a big smile and both her arms outstretched, and the raven gets down on one knee to give her a gentle hug before he pulls back to talk to her.
Ivan smiles.
And of course, Till, who is weak for everything and anything that Ivan does, promptly tries not to swoon from the sight. Till’s heart does that little jump it does when it comes to him, and his mind wanders back to Hae voicing out her observations – wondering if he’s really been that obvious this whole time. His crush on his godkid’s second-grade teacher is starting to get out of hand, and he doesn’t know how much longer he can keep this up before he spontaneously combusts.
“Till,” he greets him with that stupidly beautiful smile.
God truly has favorites, huh?
“Hey.” He clears his throat as he fights for his life, hiding the way his heart is beating a million times a minute.
“It’s nice to see you.”
Really, it should be Till saying that, but he doesn’t say anything of the sort, instead pressing the drink into Ivan’s hand with a low mumble, “I got this for you.”
“Thank you.” He shifts towards him teasingly. “You know, ever since you started getting me these coffees, my local cafe has started to miss me.”
“Yeah, well,” the gray-haired boy grumbles. “Too bad for them.”
Ivan laughs softly, and fuck, fuck, fuck, Till thinks he’s going to lose his mind.
“But also if you don’t want it, then I can just… take it back–” which he tries to do, but Ivan has a death grip on the thing. “I can give it… to someone else. Another teacher would surely want it.” He looks around aimlessly, spotting someone nearby.
“Of course I want it.” His other hand wraps over Till’s as he tries to reclaim the caffeinated drink, and the gray-haired boy’s brain short-circuits. His touch is warm and firm. “Can’t have you giving it to someone else on my watch. It’s from you, and it’s mine.”
Till panics.
Is this flirting?
This is flirting, right?
Ivan.
Ivan is flirting with him.
Is this his sign?
Is it time to shoot his shot?
“So, ah–” Till starts. Ivan looks back at him expectantly, leaning forward slightly because his voice becomes quieter. His gaze focuses on the curve of his lips, the snaggletooth that’s peaking out. He thinks it’s cute. He thinks a lot of things that Ivan does is cute. And hot. Cute and hot. Ivan is cute and hot at the same time. How is that even possible?
“Mhm?” He smiles, expectant.
“Ivan, did you want to… ah, you know what, never mind–”
He gives up, similar to all his other futile attempts from the months prior, and like a fool, he thinks he’ll have better luck next time. He thinks there’s something here. Surely. Till sees the way Ivan looks at him, and he thinks there’s at least some form of mutual attraction, but Till can’t bring himself to ask the question, usually chickening out last minute.
It’s probably because a small part of him couldn’t bear the thought of rejection, unable to handle how awkward things will get afterwards, even though there’s really not much time left in the school year anyway, plus Hae will have a different teacher for third grade.
Or maybe he’s just stalling and making excuses like the coward that he is.
It’s been a while since he’s dated anyone so it’s not like he has any recent experience, too focused on Hae and putting her on the forefront of everything he does, but he’d be lying if he said the thought hasn’t crossed his mind a few times now. Or a couple hundred times, more accurately, and when he imagines who he’d like it to be, he always pictures a certain black-haired teacher with the most beautiful smile that–
“He wants to ask if you would go get coffee with him,” Hae says proudly, her expression so bright that she emulates her namesake.
Till’s mouth hangs open. “Hae–”
Ivan interrupts, “I’d love that.”
“Oh?” The gray-haired boy blurts out. “Oh. I mean. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. Cool. That’s… great. This is great, amazing even. Can I… get your number?” He lets out the breath he’s holding, occurring to him that he hasn’t breathed at all when belting out the last string of sentences. But like, this is Ivan. Ivan. Ivan, who wants to go on a date with him for whatever reason. Ivan.
“For like. The communication. Of course.” The words that tumble out of his mouth have no filter, and he’s cringing internally, wishing he could rewind this whole morning. Or maybe it’s fine that it’s turned out this way, regardless of how embarrassing it has been to get to this point. He feels like a teenager trying to ask someone out for the first time. God.
“I can give you my number for the communication,” the raven teases, and Till is ready to run off and never show his face again from all the embarrassment.
They exchange numbers, and Till thinks his hand is shaking ever so slightly when he gets his phone back. Their hands brush against each other, and his breath hitches.
“How do we–” Till blinks.
Ivan winks, and Till tries not to die. “I’ll text you.”
***
Till fidgets while he waits for Ivan to arrive, checking that his clothes look okay and that his hair is fine. He thinks that maybe he styled it a bit too much, and he knows that Ivan told him that the date was just casual and it’s literally at a cafe, so it is, but Till wanted to put a little bit more effort into it.
But at the same time, he didn’t want Ivan to think he was trying too hard, or worse yet, not trying hard enough. He wanted this to go well, and he didn’t want to mess up.
Till lets out a small growl of frustration.
For the thousandth time, he props his phone up on the table against the salt and pepper shakers, front camera on as he adjusts the strands, distracting himself by thinking about how this whole Ivan thing started, and he can probably pinpoint it to the very beginning.
Or well, not that far back, but at least when Till was looking for new neighborhoods for Hae, following a suggestion from her therapist that a different environment might be helpful for her recovery.
Understandably, directly after the incident, Hae hadn’t been herself.
Normally a lot more outgoing, social, and ruthlessly sassy, she became more reserved and quiet. She loved dancing and singing more than anything just like her mothers, but she stopped them both completely, not finding any interest in them anymore. Then it escalated, and she started avoiding everyone, family included, and it was a pressing reason to pay closer attention.
But despite the concern, they didn’t want to push her too quickly in case it only made it worse, so they integrated changes slowly and worked her way up, up to a certain point, and they agreed that it was finally time for a change of scenery when things weren’t changing at all.
He had researched a couple of different areas extensively, staying up for one too many late nights to make sure that he was choosing the right place. He checked it was family friendly area without any concerning reputation, considered if Hae would like the playgrounds and parks nearby, until he narrowed it down to a new suburb that sat just over his budget.
In truth, things would be tight for a bit, but if it worked out better for Hae, then that’s enough reason to justify the sacrifice, and he’ll just have to squeeze in some additional freelance work to make do.
It took him even longer when he did a deep dive as to which schools would be best for her, but he eventually settled for Anakt Primary after considering in-depth reviews scoured from copious sources on the internet.
His mother had told him he was thinking a little bit too much about it, but Till only upped his efforts. It had to be perfect. Hae had to be taken care of in the best way possible, and Till wanted to make sure to provide for her, doing whatever it takes, whatever is necessary.
Till made all the final decisions, and after a few weeks, the move happened.
But instead of the recovery they were hoping for, the situation escalated, and everything only worsened tenfold.
She started to throw tantrums when she normally wouldn’t, refused to do anything that Till told her to do, and she didn’t like going to school, hated it, even. Hae demanded to go back, and Till didn’t know what to do, thinking they had done enough to prepare her for the changes, but it was obvious now that it was far from the truth. The situation aggravated to the point that Io offered to live with them for a while, just until Hae settled in a bit more nicely and calmed down, and Till nearly took the offer even though it was so far out of her way, desperate for any help.
It was in these moments when Till convinced himself that he was doing everything all wrong and that he was only messing everything up. He was doing his best, but it wasn’t enough, and he had no excuses. It was a mistake for him to be the one left to take care of Hae because he knew absolutely nothing about caring for a child.
Why did it have to be him of all people?
Till, as a father?
He didn’t know anything, and he was the last person they should have trusted.
Devastated, Till started to lose hope in the promise he was so certain he could keep for the friends he held so dearly, nearly losing himself in a pit of despair that was his own making. He was drowning in self-doubt and the fear that he would never, ever be good enough. Worried that he was far from deserving the title that Hae calls him.
Then his saving grace came in the form of Ivan.
He was a new teacher who took over from Hae’s previous one, and he seemed to have a knack with the kids in a way that Till could never begin to understand. Even Hae took Till a while to get used to, and he had plenty of time to know her since she was born. With Ivan, everything just seemed to be so… natural.
Effortlessly, this new teacher got along with Hae and seemingly the rest of the class, and slowly but surely, after a few months, he started seeing some changes. She talked a bit more, graced him with a small smile every now and then when she tends to have a permanent frown.
It was little things at first, like talking about her day at school and how Mister Ivan did this, and Mister Ivan did that. Then it moved to bigger things, like talking about some friends that she’s made, and a bit later on, asking if she could go to said friend’s birthday party.
When she talks to him about these sorts of things, Till tries not to burst into tears, saving it for the pillow at night when he thinks about what he could have done. There are no words to describe how happy he is to see her smile so frequently again, and to have her sassy attitude back was even more comforting (even though the quips were aimed at Till more often than not and drove him a little bit insane).
Obviously, Till had to meet this Ivan guy, which eventually came in the form of their first parent-teacher conference together.
Seated behind a neat desk, papers were stacked carefully, with a single pen right next to it. To the side, there is a stack of small booklets, presumably with Hae’s report somewhere in the pile.
Till’s initial thought is that this guy is too unnecessarily attractive for his own good (who could blame him when someone so drop-dead gorgeous was right there), but he tries not to let that distract him. He needs to focus on the task at hand.
The reports. Grades. Hae.
“Are you Hae’s parent?” Ivan smiles, offering the seat across him. His smile is dazzling, reminding Till of the stars.
He offers a small nod before sitting down, the chair screeching a bit as he drags it forward when he takes his place. “I’m Till. And… you would be Ivan, right?”
Echoes of Mister Ivan or Teacher Ivan or any derivative of Ivan from Hae over the last few months or so fill his head. She would never let Till forget his name, literally mentioning it every single day without fail.
“Yes.” He hums, carding through the reports until he finds the right one. “Hae has been an outstanding student. She participates actively in class, and she’s been putting her hand up for some things outside of her comfort zone. She seems to be close with a lot of people too.” He pauses for a moment. “But it hasn’t always been that way, and I’m really proud of how she’s come out of her shell.”
There is something comforting about hearing it come out of the teacher’s mouth, and Till lets out a breath of relief.
“That happy, huh?” The raven grins.
The weight, normally so heavy on his shoulders, eases for a moment, and he relaxes for the first time in a long time.
“You have no idea,” Till sighs, then curiously, he asks, “How did you do it?”
A small sigh escapes the raven’s lips. “She talks to me about them.”
“Them?”
“Her mothers,” he explains slowly, watching Till carefully, as if keeping an eye on his expression. “She’s afraid she’ll forget if she stops talking about them, and Hae knows that she could talk to you about it, but she was worried that bringing it up would just make you sad.”
Till’s heart stops. “Oh.”
“So I offered to listen, and I think it helped a lot,” he continues. “She knows I’m always here whenever she wants to remember.”
“That’s kind of you.” Till smiles sadly. “Thank you. I’m sure it means the world to her, and I owe it all to you. She’s made so much progress these last few months, and she’s come so far.” His thoughts drift away to a faraway place, recalling gentler times and fonder memories.
“Forgive me for the intrusion, and you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to,” Ivan says quietly. Genuine concern flashes in his eyes, and Till has an idea what’s coming next. “But can I ask what happened? I think I have an idea, based on some conversations I’ve had with her, but I think I might be missing something.”
The gray-haired boy assesses his options, battling with his own thoughts for a minute or two before ultimately coming to the conclusion that there’s no harm in sharing it with Hae’s teacher, and if anything, the additional context might even help.
“Mizi and Sua were Hae’s mothers. Unfortunately, they passed away in an accident about a year ago.” He swallows the heavy lump in his throat. It’s not something he’ll ever get used to saying, and it never gets any easier to share.
“I see,” the raven nods. Unsure and uncertain, he continues carefully, “And are you–”
“They were my best friends,” Till says quietly. “They always said that if anything happened to them, they wanted me to take care of Hae. So here I am, and it’s just the two of us now.”
It feels like it was just yesterday when he was told the news, and Till thought his whole world stopped spinning. They passed away in a collision while they were on the way to one of Hae’s dance recitals. Till never had a chance to say goodbye, and obviously Hae never did either, by extension, and even beginning to attempt explaining something like this to their daughter had to be the hardest thing Till had ever done. But he chose not to sugarcoat it, nor did he hide anything. He wanted Hae to know the truth, and he’ll be there to answer if she ever has any questions.
“So you’re raising her all on your own?” Ivan says softly. “That’s incredible.”
“I wouldn’t put myself on a pedestal.” He lets out a quiet, bitter laugh. “I’m not doing enough for her.”
“You are,” he presses.
“I’m not.” Till looks up at him, tired and unswaying. He’ll say it again however many times he has to. “You know how some people are just meant to be parents? White picket fence, all sunshine and rainbows. Everything was right from the start, and I couldn’t think of a luckier kid. That’s Mizi and Sua. They always knew what to do.” He exhales sharply. “And I don’t.”
It’s a brief moment of vulnerability, of his worst fears and nightmares.
That he’s not actually doing anything to help Hae, that he’s just making everything worse.
That he’s never been fit to be a parent, and yet here he is, in charge of this child’s life. Another human being, when he can barely take care of himself.
The other boy’s gaze is gentle and soft in a way that makes Till feel warmth and understanding. He wonders if it’s a teacher thing, and he feels like putty in its wake. “I’m sure it may have seemed that way outwardly, but they would have had some troubles too, you know? No parent is perfect.”
“I didn’t think I’d have a kid,” he sighs. “At least not this early. But Hae means the world to me. I just don’t… want to fuck up, you know?”
“I think you’re doing okay, Till,” Ivan tells him. “There’s something I’d like you to see.”
The raven reaches for the drawer and pulls out a piece of paper, placing it gently in front of Till on the table.
A drawing in crayon.
Hae is in the middle of the drawing, smiling brightly as always, her hand being held by a gray-haired boy with his mouth pressed in a firm line, seemingly unimpressed. She makes sure to draw the dark bags underneath his eyes just in case anyone failed to recognize it as Till.
Above them are two more figures clad in white, adorned with beautiful wings and golden halos above their heads. Their smiles are a reflection of Hae’s, as they look down at the other two in the drawing.
Till’s throat seizes up, and he tries not to cry.
“You mean just as much to her, and I hope you know you’re doing perfectly fine. More than fine,” Ivan reassures him, and Till thinks that maybe there is nothing else in this whole universe that he needed to hear in this year that he’s taken Hae under his wing. “We all see that you’re doing your best, and Hae loves you more than anything. Don’t be too hard on yourself and slow it down.”
Till blinks. “Slow it down?”
“Not everything has to be perfect immediately, and it’s okay to get some things wrong sometimes,” Ivan reminds him. “I think we all tend to forget to live in the moment, and we lose ourselves along the way. It’s easier said than done, but sometimes, I think we need to take a step back and see how far we’ve come.”
Till thinks of the little moments, little pockets of treasured memories encapsulated in time that he’ll keep forever keep close to his heart.
Like when Hae had called him dad for the first time while they were having lunch at the mall, and Till nearly dropped the fry he was eating, unsure if he had heard her correctly.
The hours he spent learning how to braid hair, and Hae being so happy when she finally saw the finished result, even though she complained the whole time, and they ended up arriving late to her friend’s birthday party. She was so proudly showing it off to all the others, a hand on at least one braid throughout the whole afternoon.
He recalls a moment from last weekend while they were baking cookies, and the flour was stuck on Hae’s nose but somehow it would find its way back even though Till has wiped it off, and Till should have noticed, but she was munching on the chocolate chips the whole time and didn’t realize she’s finished it all so they had to return to the store to buy another pack (then Till gets another because he didn’t trust her not to do it again).
It’s been hard, that must Till would admit, but he wouldn’t change anything for the world.
“It’s the truth.” The teacher offers another smile. “You’re doing more than fine, and Hae loves you.”
His words fill him with warmth, with the reassurance that he has desperately needed to hear this whole time, making his heart flip a couple of hundred times.
“All this sappiness aside,” Till clears his throat, wiping the tears that are starting to form in his eyes with the sleeve of his hoodie. He chuckles softly. “Is Hae still a menace during break times?”
Ivan laughs. “You bet. Someone tried to bully her into taking her snacks the other day and… safe to say, she taught the other kid a lesson. As her teacher, obviously I had to tell her not to do it again but… that kid totally deserved it–”
The bell by the door chimes, and Till snaps back to reality, remembering where he is. Who he’s waiting for. Why he’s here.
His date with Ivan.
He spots the culprit entering the cafe, looking unfairly handsome as always, sporting a black turtleneck and a gray scarf, a wool coat, and a belt accentuating his waist. His hair looks like it’s slicked back a bit, and Till wonders how it’s possible for this man to look even better each time he sees him. Till does another once-over of his reflection on his phone screen (still hating his hair but it’s too late for that now) then tucks his phone back in his pocket as the raven approaches him with that smile that makes him melt.
“Hi.”
Till nearly stutters, but he catches himself just in time. “Hey.”
“This seat taken?”
He chuckles. “I’m meant to be on a date right now, but he hasn’t shown up yet, so be my guest.”
“Then it might be his loss if his date is as pretty as you.” Ivan smirks as he occupies the empty seat, and the gray-haired boy tries his hardest not to blush (spoiler alert – it fails, miserably).
“I’ll get some drinks ordered first,” Till clears his throat to distract himself, handing him the second copy of the menu. “Cappuccino for you, right?”
Ivan unloops he scarf around his neck and folds it neatly on the table before smiling sheepishly. “I have something to confess.”
He makes a mental list of the breakfast items that look interesting enough to order, then he puts the menu down to give the raven his full undivided attention. “Hm?”
“I don’t actually… like coffee.”
“You, what?”
“Yep.”
He blinks. “Are you, like, lactose intolerant or something?”
“None of the sort,” Ivan shrugs. “I just don’t like it.”
“And you…” Till massages his temples. “Just kept drinking the coffees I would give you anyway?”
He counts how many he must have given him by now, and it’s more than Till could count on his fingers.
Meanwhile, Ivan bites his lower lip, and the gray-haired boy thinks it’s the cutest thing in the world, easily extinguishing any semblance of fake anger that he was planning to use as ammunition.
There’s a slight blush on his cheeks when he says, “They were from you.”
“You’re an idiot.”
“I know.”
Till rolls his eyes. “Well then, Mister-I-Apparently-Don’t-Like-Coffee, what’s your poison?”
“Earl Grey Tea,” Ivan beams happily.
Till pinches the bridge of his nose. “What am I going to do with you?”
“Date me,” Ivan says with a grin. “Preferably.”
***
Safe to say – the date turned out as well as it possibly could, and Till thanks all the stars above in the sky that they are as compatible as he was hoping they would be.
They’ve been dating for a few months now, and Till couldn’t be happier, falling into a comfortable rhythm with the other boy that he hasn’t quite found with anyone else. It hasn’t been overly long, but he feels like Ivan has known him for years and that they’ve been seeing each other for way longer.
He found out very quickly that Ivan loves showing his affection in any way that he can. Till complains about it outwardly from time to time, but the raven knows he hardly means any of it, if the red painting his cheeks is anything to go by. In secret, Till likes it a lot (too much, maybe) but he’d rather explode into a million pieces before admitting that to Ivan.
Which is why it doesn’t surprise him when Ivan hugs him from behind while Till is cooking, his head propped on the shorter boy’s shoulder as his hands wrap around his waist, then kisses his cheek.
He leans into his touch, humming to the song that’s playing on the speakers.
“Hey,” Ivan murmurs, nuzzling into his neck.
He adds the vegetables to the pan and shakes it before turning around to face the other boy, pulling him down as he presses a quick kiss on his lips. “Hi. How was the park with Hae?”
“It was nice. I think she had a good time with her friends… though I’m pretty sure she made another kid cry.” The song changes, a happy beat filling the kitchen air, and Ivan smiles against his mouth. “Do you have the Shrek soundtrack on or something?”
“Maybe.” Ivan raises an eyebrow and pairs it with an expectant look, all while Till’s shoulders slump in defeat. “Yes. Hae’s been watching it every night, and the songs are a little bit stuck in my head.”
“And on shuffle?” The raven asks as if it’s the cruelest crime against humanity. “You must be a psychopath.”
He folds his arms. “Sometimes people just need a little spice in their life, Ivan. Sorry to break it to your little Shrek connoisseur heart.”
“Hey,” the teacher warns, “No Shrek slander in this household.”
He rolls his eyes. “God forbid I diss on Shrek.”
“Oh, I’ll know.” Ivan chuckles. “But I guess this means I missed your rendition of I Need A Hero?” He pouts, and it almost makes him want to replay it just for him. Almost.
“Afraid so.” Till shrugs. “But this song is good too.”
“Will you sing it?”
“Only if you sing it with me,” Till teases.
Ivan wiggles his eyebrows, taking a few steps back as he slides to the side dramatically and sings, “So he said, what’s the problem, baby? What’s the problem?”
Till sighs softly, placing the spatula down on the counter against a small plate, taking a few steps towards Ivan. He shrugs dramatically as he adds, “I don’t know, well, maybe I’m in love.”
“Love!” Ivan chuckles, taking Till’s hand and pulling the boy towards him. Twirling him around with a boyish grin.
“Think about it. Every time I think about it, I can’t stop thinking about it.” He follows Ivan’s movements, swaying their way to the other side of the kitchen counter.
Ivan’s hand drifts down Till’s waist, pulling him close. “How much longer will it take to cure this? Just to cure it ‘cause I can’t ignore it if it’s love.” He kisses him, and Till misses the next few lines as he presses even closer to kiss him back.
“Come on, come on,” Till sings when he finally breaks away. His eyes shine with affection. “Turn a little faster.” He twirls Ivan this time, and the raven obliges happily. The gray-haired boy stands on his tippy toes to keep their hands linked.
“Come on, come on.” The raven smiles at him, and Till wants to stay in this moment forever and ever and ever. “The world will follow after.”
Then together, “Come on, come on, ‘cause everyone’s after love.” Their voices blend harmoniously, and they are both seemingly lost in the moment, perfectly content with the other’s presence, and Till couldn’t ask for anything more.
They continue to dance like actual fools in love, all laughter and singing voices and cracked high notes, the next verse passing in a blur, the moment feeling like it’s lasting forever, but also far too quick at the same time.
Till is giddy, not exactly knowing the last time he’s been this happy, and there’s nowhere else that he’d rather be than in this exact moment.
His thoughts are just full of Ivan, Ivan, Ivan.
His mind occupied, his heart full.
He wonders how he got so lucky.
Index finger curled as he gestures for Till to move closer to him, Ivan continues singing, “Come on, come on, move a little closer.” And he does, all while fighting the stupid smile scrambling for purchase in the corner of his mouth.
Till sings softly, “Come on, come on, I want to hear you whisper.”
“Come on, come on, settle down inside my love,” Ivan holds him, a hand carding through his hair, which he tugs ever so slightly. Just enough to drive him insane. He loops his arms around his neck as they slow dance.
Till laughs, but it quiets down as Ivan’s expression turns a little bit more serious.
“Till?”
He relishes in the other boy’s warmth, his head against Ivan’s chest, heart beating a million times a minute. All he thinks about is how much he loves it when Ivan plays with his hair. Nothing else comes close.
“Yeah?”
Ivan tips his chin gently, then caresses Till’s cheek as he cups his face. “Will you be my boyfriend?”
To which Till’s immediate thought is yes.
A million times yes.
But then, just as he opens his mouth, he thinks about Hae, and he wonders if it might be too soon for her. It would be another big change, and he’s not certain it’s the best step right now.
“Ivan, I’m not sure if–”
“Is it because of Hae?” He asks softly.
He bites his lower lip. “Sorry.”
“I thought you might be worried about that,” the raven admits, and he lets go of Till’s face before taking a step back. “So we had a little chat.”
“Huh?”
“I’m okay with it!” She pops out from behind Ivan. “Dad can have a booooooyfriend,” she draws out.
Till shakes his head with a chuckle. “Really thought this through. Now you’re using the kid as ammunition,” he turns to the teacher with a small smile. “Evil schemer.”
“I would never.” The other boy winks. “Is it working?”
“Incredibly well,” the gray-haired boy muses.
Ivan leans forward. “Is that a yes?”
“Maybe.”
Hae looks up at him with wide eyes. “Are you boyfriends now?”
He ruffles her hair, his teal gaze returning to the boy who is waiting oh so patiently, mouth slightly open as he waits for Till’s final answer.
“Yes.” He smiles, and Ivan lets out a long breath of relief.
“Till–”
“Hey.” Till sniffs the air. “Is something burning?”
Oh.
It dawns on him as his stomach sinks.
Dinner.
He runs to the stove and turns it off, scraping the now blackened vegetables burnt to the point of no return. His shoulders drop as he groans and mumbles, “Ah f–”
Both Ivan and Hae turn to him with a look that Till knows all too well, the little demon child pointing at the swear jar in the corner of the kitchen that’s almost full.
“–ishsticks.”
To which they both nod, and the gray-haired boy rolls his eyes.
"I'll order some pizza!" Ivan announces. "And put Shrek on."
Till shakes his head ever so slightly, then he smiles.
***
It was surprisingly easy to transition from just Till and Hae to Till and Hae and Ivan.
It probably helped that Ivan was already pretty close to Hae to begin with, and everything felt like a puzzle piece slotted together, conveniently clicking into place. Like it was always meant to turn out this way, just how the universe had always intended, and it comforts him in that sense.
That the stars had all aligned and brought them together because that’s how it’s been destined for their paths to cross and intertwine.
All of this felt natural to him, and the transition has been the smoothest it can possibly be. It’s almost like Ivan’s always been there, and it was the three of them against the world in their own little bubble of happiness.
In truth, Till is happy to share most things with Ivan, comfortable enough to talk about pretty much anything, but the topic of Mizi and Sua is still a bit touchy, and even the raven knows not to press too much when it comes to that. Till is grateful, but he hopes to be able to share more about it since it’s such a big part of his life, and he wants to let Ivan in.
It’s particularly hard around this time of year.
In the lead up to the 7th of September, Till has been busy running errands in preparation for a trip to the cemetery.
He finished up all his projects and submitted them early to ensure he could take some time off. Not that he technically gets official time off anyway, given it's all freelance work, but it’s nice not to worry about deadlines for a while.
A few weeks ago, he already informed the school that Hae would be away for the day.
On the way to the petrol station, he picked up some flowers – two bouquets of Clematis – one clad in pink and the other violet, currently sitting in the front seat of the car, the flowery scent filling the air, the familiarity giving him comfort like a warm hug.
And finally, he topped up the fuel in the car, checked that everything was in order – snacks, drinks, and copious things that Hae can tinker with on the way there so she wouldn’t get bored during the car ride, before driving back home to pick up Hae and Ivan.
Ivan treads carefully (Till notices immediately, the quiet just so uncharacteristic for his normally chatty boyfriend), packing up the bags as he checks that Hae is all good at the back before taking his own seat at the front, mainly quiet most of the way there.
“Are you okay?” Till asks nearly an hour into the drive. In the rearview mirror, he sees Hae napping, her head resting by the window, complete with drool in the corner of her mouth.
“Are you sure I should be here?” Ivan asks hesitantly, and Till feels his stare.
He quickly glances over at him. “I can turn back, if you like. We’re not that far out yet.”
The raven shakes his head. “No, no. I want to be here,” he explains. “But… I just didn’t know if you want me to, or if you just feel obligated–”
“I want you here,” Till says immediately. There is no hesitation, no room for a single trace of doubt. “And I know Hae does too.”
Ivan’s mouth opens slightly, taken aback by Till’s words, but it slowly morphs into a small smile, leaning against his seat comfortably, just as Till takes his right hand and squeezes it gently.
Their hands remain linked for the rest of the drive, albeit it clammy and sweaty by the end of it, but Ivan didn’t seem to care.
It takes them just under an hour to get to the cemetery, and by the time they get there, it is mainly empty, save for the remnants of others visiting the same two gravestones, more flowers left behind.
Hae asks to hold one of the flowers, and Till holds the other. Together, they walk towards the graves with their hands clasped, gently laying them against the granite. Then right in the middle of the two graves, Hae sits cross-legged, recounting the last few months, starting off strong with a dance performance that Ivan had brought her to a couple of weeks prior. It made her want to get back into the hobby, which warmed his heart to hear. He remembers her excitement coming back from the show, talking about all the dances that she liked, how the outfits were so pretty and that she wanted to be in them too.
“Does she still talk about them with you?” Till asks, turning to face Ivan.
He nods, silent attention focused on Hae as she switches the topic quickly and animatedly talks about a painting that she worked on the week before. Till fondly recalls that it had the same flowers resting close to her. “Every now and then.”
Till lets out a breath. “What does she talk about?”
“She tries to see what she can remember.” Ivan shifts his weight onto his other foot, sighing. “I think Hae wishes she knew more, which is understandable. It’s natural for her to wonder.”
“Should I…” Till trails off. “Should I talk to her about it?”
“I think it would mean a lot to her,” he says before a brief pause. “If you want to.”
“I do.” He swallows thickly. “It’s just… hard.”
“If you ever need someone to talk to about it.” He takes Till’s hand and squeezes it gently. “I’m here. You know that, right? I’ll listen anytime.”
Till nods, offering a small smile. “We’re so lucky to have you, you know that, right?”
“You’ve got it the other way around, I think.” Ivan bites his lip, shaking his head slightly. He thinks he sees crimson eyes water, but it disappears so quickly that he wonders if he’s imagined it.
The gray-haired boy tugs at the raven’s hand, a silent plea to follow, and they walk up to where Hae is, sitting on either side of her.
“Hae,” Till says softly. “Do you want to hear a story?”
“A story?” She beams, her attention solely on Till as she starts listening with rapt attention.
“Did you know your name means jellyfish?” Till chuckles quietly, the kid next to him with wide eyes. “You see, Mizi loved it more than anything in the whole world. She thought they were the cutest thing ever, and she used to be so obsessed with them. She used to drag me to the aquarium all the time when we were younger, and we’d spend so much time in the jellyfish exhibit. I thought it was the most boring thing in the world, but it was always Mizi’s favorite part.”
“Jellyfish…” she smiles to herself, then she nods once.
“It’s also how we met Sua.” He smiles gently. “When I finally managed to drag Mizi out of the Jellyfish exhibit one time, she found a crane game with jellyfish plushies. So obviously, we had to try to get one. We tried… really hard to win the plush, but we couldn’t, and we spent all our money, yes, including mine, because Mizi looked like she was going to cry if she didn’t get it.” Till’s chest tightens a little as he remembers the scene – Mizi ready to have a full nervous breakdown over not getting the toy, contemplating if they should return to try again.
Till’s saving grace came in the form of Sua, swooping in to save the day by coming out of nowhere and handing Mizi the jellyfish plush along with a note that had her number on it.
Safe to say Till understood very quickly that Sua had game that Till couldn’t possibly ever match, not in a million lifetimes, and Mizi was all too easily captured under her spell.
“Thankfully, your other mom won the plush and got it for Mizi,” he finishes. “And the rest was history.”
What followed were days of close friendship that Till is certain many would be envious of, traversing through high school and college together as they go through the ministrations of life. Mizi and Sua stayed strong for years and years, but there were times when they would fight, and one of them would end up on Till’s couch for a few days. They worked it out like they always do, and Till can only hope to find a love like theirs in his lifetime.
Truthfully, it was not all good, but it was not all bad either.
The memories are beautiful all the same. Easy to hang onto now that they have passed, and even though remembering hurts.
Till wouldn’t have changed anything for the world.
“That’s nice,” she says as he leans her head against Till, and the boy smiles softly, wrapping an arm over her shoulder and enveloping her in a half hug. “Do you have more stories?”
He looks over at Ivan, who gives him a reassuring nod, before he smiles back at Hae. “I’ll tell you as many as you like.”
Over the next few hours, he recounts more stories about them. He tells stories of Mizi and her strange fascination over toothbrushes, Sua’s secret mathematics superpower, and a lot more memories that he holds close to his heart. And for the first time in a long time, ever since taking Hae under his wing, he’s never actually seen her so happy.
He didn’t realize how withholding all of this didn’t really help in the grand scheme of things, his initial fear that it would only make her sad is actually so dumb now in hindsight. Memories deserved to be celebrated, and choosing to ignore, to forget, is simply not the way to move forward. He knows that now.
When the time came to leave, Hae kneeled in front of the gravestones to say goodbye, before she ran back to them, holding Ivan’s hand as they filed back into the car and started the long drive home.
The trip is a comfortable silence, not the kind where you feel the overwhelming need to say something just to end it. It’s always been like that with Ivan, small, comfortable, quiet moments where they would just be in each other’s presence, and that would be enough.
Hae fell asleep quickly, which isn’t surprising because it’s been a big day, and she’s probably spent all her energy talking to Mizi and Sua earlier. When they get home, he carefully scoops her up and tucks her in bed with a gentle press of a kiss on her forehead, adjusting the blankets just under her chin. In her sleep, she sighs softly and turns, and Till’s chest swells with love.
He gets ready for bed, and he’s pleasantly surprised to see Ivan is still here. They haven’t officially moved in together, but he knows he’s welcome to stay the night whenever he likes. God knows the raven takes advantage of that every single time he can get, though usually reserved for late date nights and when they just want each other’s company. Today probably counts as one of those days, and Till is silently grateful he’s here, his presence enough for the comfort that he hasn’t realized he desperately searched for, and it’s like Ivan just knew he needed that without Till needing to say anything.
“I wish they got to meet you,” Till says into the quiet later on that night, teal eyes trained on the ceiling above, a grip on the blanket as he folds it down because it’s getting a bit warmer.
There is a quick pause before Ivan replies, “Do you think they’d like me?”
“Mizi would love you immediately, I think. Sua might hate you a little, at the start at least, but I’m sure you’ll grow on her. She’s like that with most people.”
“I see.” He chuckles. From the corner of his vision, Till sees Ivan glance over at him, as if assessing whether or not to say what he wants to say next. After a few beats, he asks it anyway, adjusting so he’s lying on his side. “Will you tell me more about them?” Then very quickly, he adds, “Only if you want to, of course.”
Till turns to face him, the only thought running in his head being that there’s no other person that he would be more comfortable sharing all of this with. “I’ve known Mizi since we were in diapers. Our mothers were pretty close, so naturally, we spent a lot of time together and got pretty close,” he explains. “She was my best friend, and no one knew me better. I think–” he exhales sharply. “Sometimes, I think she knew me better than I knew myself.”
“In what way?” A slight furrow of his brows scrunches up his face.
“Like… she would just know what I need to hear,” he says with a sigh. “Almost like she can read my mind before I even know what I’m feeling. I don’t know how she did it, but she could always sense when something was wrong, and every single time, she’d always be there. Ice cream in hand, or with my favorite chocolate.” Then, softly, hesitantly, he adds, “I’d joke around and always ask how I would survive without her, and I guess I found that out the hard way.”
Ivan nods slowly. “And Sua? Were you ever close with her?”
“Not at the start,” he laughs a bit loudly. The question catches him off guard, distracting him from thoughts of Mizi. “I meant it when she’s like that with everyone. If anything, she used to hate me, actually.”
Ivan brushes some hair off Till’s face, tucking it behind his ear. “Who could ever hate you?”
“Sua,” he answers quickly, deadpan.
To explain, he continues, “It’s… a whole thing, but I used to have a crush on Mizi, which you know, wouldn’t sit well with anyone who likes her too. But we talked about it.” It was the most awkward conversation known to man, but he was glad they got it done and dusted. It was a discussion they needed to have, and Till respected her boundaries (and preferences) and got over his puppy love crush in a couple of months after being let down gently.
At the time, he remembers it being the worst thing in the world, but in hindsight, he can only laugh at it now, even though it does come with a slight pain in his chest, the recollection fond but also reminiscent of the days when they were still here and now they’re not.
“After they got together, it was a lot better. I realized too quickly that I’ve never actually met anyone as caring as Sua, and it made me happy to know that Mizi had someone who would put her first no matter what.” Till swallows slowly. “Even though it took a while, it was nice getting closer to her. I found that I could confide in her when I was going through some issues of my own that I couldn’t quite tell Mizi. She’s… kind of like you, in a way. Like right now.”
He pauses, but only for about two beats. “A good listener, and she always used to give me the most realistic advice, whereas Mizi would always cling onto the positives, so you can take a good guess as to how they usually go.”
At the tail end of his last sentence, his voice weakens, cracks, and the raven takes his free hand, holding it reassuringly. He brushes firm circles with his thumb, and Till swallows.
It makes him feel safe.
It makes him feel like he can say anything.
He continues.
“Sua liked the stars. A lot. We weren’t allowed, but back when we were still in high school, we would climb out of Mizi’s window and we would lie on the roof for a few hours, or at least until Mizi got too cold or Mizi’s mom found out we were out there and yelled at us to get back inside. We tried to sneak in the snacks and blankets so she wouldn’t get suspicious,” he chuckles quietly. “And I’m convinced she knew what we were doing sometimes, but she’d just let us for a while at least.”
Ivan smiles at his recount of the memory, and Till feels encouraged to tell him more.
“One time, Sua hid all the snacks in her coat.” Till smiles. “It was so obvious. I was trying to tell them we should have just filled up my guitar bag, but she was being so stubborn and said she,” He acts out air quotation marks, “Had it all under control. When she took a step forward, some of them fell out, and we all stood there in silence just staring at it. Sua made some excuse about how they were study snacks.” He shakes his head with a smile. “Safe to say we weren’t allowed upstairs, and I got to say I told you so for like the first time ever.”
It occurs to him that he hasn’t had much time to think about them since they passed.
No time to reminisce, no time to think, no time to grieve.
All too quickly falling into the trap of forcing himself to move forward without thinking of the past, and it only hurt him in return, because you can’t simply heal without moving on, and moving on is impossible when you try to ignore reality.
He thought he had to be strong for Hae, but it only hurt her too.
“...I miss them,” Till admits quietly.
“I know,” Ivan answers softly, holding him close, fingers carding through his hair as the other boy cries and slowly drifts to sleep.
***
A week later, Ivan takes him out on a surprise date.
Hae is in the safe care of a babysitter when they head over to Ivan’s apartment, the raven leading them to the balcony that’s set up with a winter supply of blankets, and a basket full of Till’s favorite drinks and snacks.
They spend the night talking about anything and everything as they point at the stars above them that shine so brightly.
It’s the best night of his life, and as he feels his heart slowly but surely mend, Till thinks there is no place that he’d rather be.