Chapter Text
“HELLO FRIENDS IT’S BERDLY AND AUBREY FOLLOWING UP WITH A FANTASTIC NEW POST”
“Please stop using caps lock. By the way, Berdly’s insistent on using words beginning with F because I cut him off before he could use an adjective like that in the summary.”
“fine i’ll stop fingering the caps lock button and start foraging for more friendly ways to finaggle attention for myself!”
“FINGERING????????? YOU ARE NOT FOR REAL RN. BRO”
“i don’t get it? it’s just a word”
“Stupid dumbass”
“HAH!! ON THE CONTRARY IT IS YOU WHO, AS YOU SO CRUDELY PUT IT, IS A STUPID DUMBASS, SEEING THAT YOU REPEATED TWO WORDS WITH IDENTICAL MEANING NEXT TO EACH OTHER!! AND YOU THOUGHT I WOULDN’T NOTICE?!?!?!”
“Okay, dumbass. There. Happy?”
“kys”
“Oh yeah, I already got to that, but too bad my ghost thought it would be a mad funny idea to continue to haunt you.”
“that joke is overused anyway.”
“Stop acting like you hopped straight out of Twitter. Anyway, what was the point of this post before you decided it would be a great afternoon to crush my internal state of calm… oh, right. We were going to talk about school. But that’s actually a bombass subject for what’s supposed to be an adventurous beautiful cool delightful excellent blog.”
“you remembered all that?”
“Oh, I did. Huh. Anyway, let’s go back to calling each other dumbasses, that was entertaining.”
“actually, i would defer to change the subject. aubrey, you appear to be marvelously well spoken while on the great wide web, compared to your ragtag manner of speech on the streets. is there a reason for that?”
“Well considering I’m the one who uses proper capitalization, that checks out. But seriously, why don’t you bother to do that as w”
“I’m sorry. Hold on. Did you just say I have a ragtag manner of speech on the streets???”
“… … … … maybe”
“Why are you acting like you’re some charming little rich kid watching some kid dumpster diving through your fancy window on the third floor of your family estate.”
“well, perhaps it would do you good to interact with the denizens of your hometown in a more eloquent fashion.”
“wait is denizens another way to say citizens or does it mean something else”
“Means something else, but it’s really not so far off to say that my hometown is home to a lotta denizens.”
“Anyway, if you’re wondering how we’re even writing this right now: we’re just taking turns typing on a shared doc.”
“to change this rapidly declining in interest subject, shall i clue you all in on a fun fact?”
“Is anything fun when it comes from you?”
“do you have to be that way?”
“When I’m talking to you it’s just a defense mechanism.”
“kys”
“ANYWAY my fellow readers, me and aubrey actually have no idea who the other person is! we have simply collided paths due to an encounter on an internet forum. in fact! we do not even know what the other’s faces look like!”
“so to all of you all fantasizing about however we must look like—we’re also in your shoes!”
“Who the hell fantasizes about random internet people’s faces? Creeps, right?”
“uh ignore her :) anyhoo we’re not complete strangers. we even know what each others’ hometowns are called! though i suspect aubrey may be lying…”
“Huh? What? Why do you think that??”
“because i can’t find it anywhere”
“i spent a whole hour looking it up and i didn’t get a single result”
“Weirdo”
“wha! you also admitted that you did the same! but not before mocking the name of it!”
“Trust me you guys… even my baby cousin could come up with a better name.”
“oh? you have a baby cousin? what’s the name?”
“Courtney. Atrocious name, I know. It’s my aunt’s sixth. They just keep coming. Hope you somehow find this, Aunt Dahlia. Fuck you.”
“okay idk what that’s all about but anywayy, i personally believe that aubrey would get along great with my good friend susie. in fact, i’m sure it would be incredible if those two could crate their own blog, except susie keeps shattering the keyboard when she doesn’t get how to use something. haha! she’s a feisty one, eh??”
“Your friend Susie fucking shatters keyboards. On a regular basis?”
“yes that’s correct.”
“How the fuck?”
“well, she’s got strength in those gargantuan limbs, and a handy tail for sweeping clean any pestlike machinery on a table.”
“Your friend is a furry? Who makes furry tails that strong these days?”
“what, pray tell, is a furry”
“Do you live under a rock”
“Yeah you must. A real nice big black BOULDER”
“You didn’t even know what Domino’s Pizza was??? Are you fr????”
“have you never heard of ice e? it’s classic. i say you have no taste.”
“I say you probably live with three other families in the middle of the fucking Appalachian mountains.”
“… … … anywayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy”
“i forgot to use f words”
“I got an F word for you!”
“THIS POST IS OVER BYE”