Chapter Text
"Goodnight, Mikey!"
"Bye, Gee."
Gerard seemed to think nothing of it, just smiling at Mikey as he headed off to his room. Well, good. But not really good either. It meant he didn't care. Mikey never said 'bye' instead of 'goodnight.' Why didn't even Gerard care about him anymore? 'Because you're terrible,' Mikey thought to himself as he slammed the door to his room shut, locking the door and throwing himself on the bed. He stared up at the ceiling blankly, not even bothering to try and put any pajamas on. He didn't plan on sleeping anyways. Not in the way Gerard thought he was. He sighed, closing his eyes. 'You're awful, it's no wonder nobody likes you. You don't even fucking talk to people, your only friend is your older brother. He doesn't even leave the house and he has more friends than you! Why are you such a fuck up?!' Mikey felt himself start tearing up. Just barely. He took a shaky breath, opening his eyes again to stare at the ceiling once more. It was something better to do than anything else he wanted. Maybe he just wanted to stall the inevitable. He forced himself to sit up, get out of bed. He walked over to the mirror in his room. It was lazily propped against the wall, in a way where he had to stand a certain distance away to see his full body. He looked like a terrible mess, in his opinion. His eyes were too wide and full of fear. His arms and legs too thin. Knees too knobby. Wrists too bony. Hair too long. It wasn't as long as Gerard's though, Mikey's only reached his chin if he straightened it out. His hair was a weird colour, too now that he thought about it. His glasses were kinda weird too, they seemed really out of place. But they fit his face, that's all he cared about. As long as they didn't slide off constantly like his last pair.
The longer Mikey stared at himself the more he fucking hated himself, and that was pretty damn hard to accomplish.
Mikey sighed to himself, trying to ignore the tears staring to pull in his eyes, trying to blink them away, but it just caused them to slowly drip down. Whatever. He hesitated before pulling his shirt off, staring at himself. People always knew he was thin, but now.. You could start visibly seeing his ribs, his hip bones were too visible too. He still wasn't thin enough. Maybe when he was skin and bones he'd be happy. He only ate once or twice a week, and to avoid suspicion at school he always skipped lunch and stayed in the library reading. He said he was doing homework, but he never did homework. He always skipped tests. Sometimes he didn't even go to school. He was failing all of his classes, and his teachers still failed to see something was wrong. Mikey wasn't okay. The overly quiet, too skinny boy in the back of the class who was often seen crying against his older brother wasn't fucking okay. How stupid were they?! Not even his own mother saw something was terribly wrong. He couldn't trust anyone but Gerard anymore. But Gerard.. Just.. If he told Gerard he wanted to kill himself..
Mikey shook his head at his own thoughts, tearing off his grey beanie and throwing it down with his shirt. He stared at his arms now, littered in angry red scars, and faded pink ones. his thighs were worse, because no one can see your thighs if you don't wear shorts. He looked back to the mirror, staring blankly. Pale and thin bare torso, too-tight skinny jeans clinging to his hips and legs, leaving marks, messy hair that probably hadn't been brushed in ages. His eyes were starting to look a little sunken in. It was ridiculous, Mikey could almost laugh. He looked like a stereotypical depressed and anorexic teenager. But he wasn't. Even if your illnesses were categorized as the same, they were very different depending on the person. The only thing separating Mikey's depression from some other peoples, was he was actively suicidal. Of course, many people were too. A lot of people his age, too. Some even younger. At an astounding 14, Mikey already knew he was ready to die and wanted to kill himself. Sure, other people did too. But not everyone actually acted on it. Mikey wasn't anyone special, not a special snowflake, of course not. But his life is about himself, so to him, it was everything about what he did and didn't do, whether others did the same or not. It didn't matter to him anymore, nothing was going right, but yet nothing felt wrong.
Eventually, he couldn't bear to look at himself anymore. He quickly became consumed by his own thoughts, and he began full on sobbing, and it wasn't pretty. He threw himself back onto his bed, burying his face into his pillow to try and muffle the sounds so hopefully no one could hear. The last thing he wanted was his mom or Gerard to be concerned anymore. He just wanted to die thinking no one cared that way it wouldn't matter to him in the first place. He'd feel guilty if he died knowing Gerard actually gave half a shit about him. He didn't wanna let Gerard down like that. (Even though he already was, but he shoved that thought away the best he could.)
Mikey sighed shakily, eventually forcing himself to calm down. He didn't want to die crying, that'd be stupid in his mind. More pathetic than he already was. He rolled over onto his back, clutching his tear-soaked pillow to his chest. Well, now what? He could go to sleep and pretend he's fine for another day, or he could just easily end all of his problems and make everyone else's lives easier. Sounds good. Mikey sat up, leaning against the wall as he did, reaching into his pillow case and pulling out the blade he kept in there. He took it from an otherwise broken pencil sharpener he knew Gerard wouldn't miss about a year ago. If objects could be friends, this piece of metal was Mikey's best friend. He really needed a new one, this one was kinda covered in blood from all of its use.
'I could cut myself,' He thought miserably, turning the blade over in his fingers. 'But bleeding out takes a long time.. I could always try to hang myself, but I don't really wanna have to deal with that.. I don't like the aspect of choking. I-.. Overdose.' Overdose. Yes, that's what he'll do. Mikey shoved the blade back into his pillow case, standing up and grabbing his shirt off the floor, pulling it back on. He'd rather not die shirtless, for unknown personal reasons. He hated looking at himself, so why should other people look at him and see that? After he'd tugged his rather baggy shirt back on, he took a deep breath before leaving his room as quietly as he could. He knew Gerard would be awake, but he'd be down in his basement doing whatever it is that Gerard does. Frankly, Mikey didn't want to know what his older brother did. He smiled a little, shaking his head to himself as he made his way to the bathroom, shutting the door behind him, and locking it to make sure no one would interrupt him. Physically, anyways. Sighing, he opened the medicine cabinet, looking at all the contents. He had a few options. They had a lot of pills. Why not just mix them all and hope for the best? Yeah, okay. Mikey grabbed the first four bottles he saw and popped them open, dumping about half the contents onto the counter, dropping the bottles into the sink. He took a handful of his mixture, starting at his hands starting to shake. He started crying again. Out of happiness or sadness, he didn't know. But apparently, it caught Gerard's attention, because now here he was, knocking on the door.
"Mikey?"
No response.
"..Mikey?"
..
"Mikey!"
Mikey stared at the door handle as he saw it start rattling as Gerard tried to get inside. He seemed frantic now, his voice was concerned.
"Mikey, please! Are you okay?! Please say something!"
Mikey shook his head, crying harder even though he knew Gerard couldn't see. He just raised the pills to his mouth, swallowing them all as he could, reaching for more to take, going as quick as he could. To hopefully die faster. He didn't wanna deal with this anymore. His vision was fading in and out when Gerard had managed to pick the lock and burst into the bathroom, his eyes widening when he saw his baby brother laying on the floor, pills in his shaking hands, tears spilling out of his eyes. He'd managed to look up at Gerard, and the look in his eyes that Gee saw was absolutely heartbreaking.
"M-Mikey! Please, I-.. Mikey!"
Mikey's eyes slipped shut shortly after he heard Gerard screaming for their mom, and for an ambulance.
"I-I'm sorry.. Gee..."