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Buck stared blankly at the menu on the back wall of the small coffee shop. Picking a coffee order should have been a simple task - it's not like he ventured far from his usual - but in this instance, he just couldn't concentrate. The words may have been in bold, white font, but as far as Buck's turbulent mind was concerned, it was nothing but a blank slate.
"Evan?"
A soft voice to his side finally broke Buck from his reverie, and he turned his head to see Tommy's concerned face only a few feet away.
"Tommy?"
"Are you ok?" Tommy asked gently. "You've been staring at that board for a while."
Blinking, Buck looked around and realised the lady behind the counter was waiting expectantly for his order.
"Oh," Buck said, his cheeks flushing. "Whoops."
Tommy brushed a hand against the small of his back in the briefest of touches. "Why don't you take a seat, and I'll get you a coffee? My treat."
Buck's lips curled up in a small smile. "Thanks."
It was mere minutes before Tommy was sitting opposite him, placing a warm cup of coffee in his hands.
"How have you been holding up?" Tommy asked as Buck took a sip.
Buck shrugged. "Oh, you know," he said vaguely. "It's tough. Strange, with Gerrard back in the Captain's seat, knowing that this time we can't just get Bobby..."
His breath hitched. It was small, subtle, but Tommy, perceptive as he always was of Buck, noticed and placed a hand on Buck's forearm in comfort.
"Speaking of Gerrard," Buck continued, forcefully shaking himself free of the melancholy that threatened to consume him. "You wouldn't believe what he said to me yesterday."
"Knowing Gerrard, should I be afraid to ask?" Tommy asked, eyebrow raised.
Buck huffed a small laugh. "Not this time, for once. He uh... he suggested I go for the Captain's role at the 118."
"Oh," was all Tommy said, his eyes widening in surprise, and he settled back in his seat in thought.
"You think he's wrong," Buck said flatly, and he had to admit it, but he felt a little hurt. He looked down at his coffee cup, absently spinning it in his hands. Ever since Gerrard had suggested it to him, it had been roiling around in Buck's mind. And sure, he had questioned himself, wondering if he was up to the task, but the thought of Tommy thinking the same, reinforcing those insecurities, felt a little like a punch to the gut.
"Actually, for once in my life, I agree with him," Tommy said, and Buck swore he got whiplash from how quickly he snapped his head up to look at Tommy in surprise.
"You do?" he blurted.
"Sure," Tommy said smoothly, as if there was no doubt in his mind. "You're smart, you're good in a crisis, you care for your people - I think you'd make a great Captain."
Buck's eyes narrowed slightly, even as his heart swelled with the compliment. "But?" he asked. Tommy may know Buck better than most people, but he was also pretty confident that Buck knew Tommy just as well, and he could tell there was something more to be said.
Tommy leaned forward in his seat again and reached forward to gently pry one of Buck's fidgeting hands from his coffee cup before clasping it in his own.
"But," Tommy conceded. "Is this something you really want, or is this something you feel like you need to do to protect your team?"
Buck swallowed, his eyes unable to look away from Tommy's. To tell the truth, it wasn't like he hadn't thought about the possibility of becoming Captain one day. But that had always seemed like such a far-off possibility, years in the future after Bobby had retired...
But Bobby hadn't retired. He had been taken from them far too early, long before Buck had ever expected to start seriously thinking about taking on the role of Captain. And now the 118 was floundering without someone at the helm, and Buck - Buck wasn't sure if he was ready. Not after only eight years on the job, and the loss of Bobby still fresh, like an open wound not yet ready to heal.
"I- I don't know," Buck said honestly.
"That's ok," Tommy assured him. "It's a big thing to think about." He squeezed Buck's hand. "Just promise me something, okay?"
Buck nodded mutely, his eyes still locked onto Tommy's, and all he could see was care and concern in those ocean blue depths.
"Whatever you decide, make sure that it's what you really want. This is a big decision that will affect the rest of your life - I know you want to do what's right by the rest of the 118, especially with Gerrard as Acting Captain right now, but you need to do what's right by you too." Tommy smiled, a hint of sadness behind his eyes. "I just want you to be happy, Evan. And Bobby would want that, too."
Buck felt a lump form in his throat, and he found that he couldn't speak. Instead, in a move reminiscent of their very first coffee date, Buck placed his free hand over Tommy's, trapping his hand in between Buck's own. He still didn't know what to do about the Captaincy, but that could wait until later. For now, he allowed Tommy to do as he had done on so many other occasions and ground Buck with his steady presence.
He would take things one step at a time. And this right here, with Tommy? Well, he wasn't sure exactly what step it was, but he knew it was a positive one - one he was willing to take. For now, he felt like this was all his weary, grief riddled mind could handle.
And that was okay.