Chapter Text
The floor is covered with paper when Seunghyun opens the door to the studio. Jiyong lays on top of this makeshift carpet, eyes closed and fingers twirling his favorite pen. The older crouches next to him, eyes rummaging over the scrambled words, all crossed out in anger.
"Why are you sulking?"
"Hyung!", Jiyong's exclaims. His face is tired, circles under his eyes a grayish hue; Seunghyun sighs at his unfortunate look.
He picks up one of the pages, mostly empty and frowns, reading the same two sentences, created and then crossed out, dismembered, rearranged and then sewn together again. Jiyong covers his face in defeat. He is laying on his back, hair all tangled up, yet somehow still framing his face in a perfect fashion. Seunghyun averts his gaze.
"What is it, Ji? Writer's block?"
"I don't get those, hyung", the younger is pouting, arrogant statement conflicting with the anguish in his voice. Choi chuckles as Jiyong sits up.
"Why are you struggling, then?"
Kwon's cheek is squished against his fist, making Seunghyun coo at the sight, "I am not. My brain is on fire".
"Mhm", Choi's tone is sarcastic, "And that's not considered a struggle, because..?"
Jiyong waves him off, annoyed at the comments. He gathers a great part of scattered papers, bunches them up into one fat stack and hands them over, "I need you to check this out, cause I don't even know. Does any of it make sense?"
Seunghyun raises an eyebrow at the size of the pile, but takes it anyway and starts reading. Each page differs in its contents, not one similar theme throughout the first ten contenders. His handwriting is careful and neat at the beginning of the page and is all jumbled and messy by the time TOP's eyes reach the ending. He furrows his brows.
"You need to take a break, Jiyong-ah".
"That's exactly what I'm doing, though?"
Seunghyun stands up, his legs numb from sitting in the same position, he scowls at the quiet crunching sound. He tosses the lyrics on the sofa, offering his hand to Jiyong.
"C'mon, outside we go", the tone is demanding, and Jiyong lets out a noise of protest.
"I'm not finished, hyung!"
Seunghyun grabs his wrist, tired of waiting and rolls his eyes in dismissal of the statement as he pulls Jiyong up and drags him to the door, "Let's just go for a smoke, okay?"
Kwon doesn't want to admit the undeniable fact that his hyung is right. The rooftop greets him with a gentle caress of wind on his face and Jiyong feels his brain clear up as soon as he takes the first drag. The sun is up and it's warm, Seoul all wrapped up in greens and blues before their eyes.
"So, what is it? Inspiration problems?", Seunghyun's leg is pressed to his chest, the heel barely staying on the edge of the bench and the younger just hums in response. "Answer me, Young-ah, what do you wanna write about?"
"So it didn't make sense, after all", Kwon pinches the bridge of his nose, sighing in defeat in response to Choi's soft hum, "Well, it's supposed to be a love song".
"That figures. You wrote 'baby' over a dozen times, after all".
"Shut up, hyung", there's no animosity, but he's a tiniest bit embarrassed, "Okay, you are right. I just- I don't know. It feels like whatever I write is so overused and, you know, it just feels fake. Like I don't really know what I'm talking about. Fuck, maybe it's because I've been single for quite a while".
Seunghyun stares out into a horizon, eyes unfocused as he lets out a cloud of smoke. His profile is captivating, all sharp lines and handsome features. Jiyong averts his gaze with great effort, the weird feeling turning his mood sour. Is he jealous? Kwon's been too distressed lately, his head a total mess of thoughts, all jumbled and conflicting. The silence falls into an awkward stretch.
"Well", Choi finally says, his voice a heavy weight on Jiyong's worried mind, "I guess, love is a hard topic. Maybe you just need to shift your perspective?"
"That's not it, I've tried different stories, different setups, different people and different messages and it still, just, you know, doesn't hit. It falls flat", Kwon's gestures are slowly losing energy and his hands go down, fingers gripping the bench, "I don't know what to do".
"Clear your mind, Jiyong-ie, okay? Let's go back. I'll try to help you", and the younger follows without any retorts.
Kwon picks up the remainder of the pages from the floor, an admission of being stuck in the corner. He stands there for a minute, eyes empty, and then tosses it all in the trashcan under the table. The chair squeaks under his weight and Jiyong stares at the ceiling wishing it would start cracking and fall on his head.
"Hey, talk to me", Seunghyun is a nice presence, although annoying in his ability to read Jiyong like an open book, "what are you thinking about?"
The younger keeps silent for a while, chewing on the inside of his cheek and digesting his mess of a thought process. Choi keeps busy by looking around the room, admiring the dull walls as if it's a modern art gallery he's never been to before. Jiyong rests his head on his outstretched hand, visibly spent.
"You are a pretty wise person, right, hyung?"
Seunghyun looks around, wondering what could've possibly prompted such statement, "Well, I wouldn't necessarily say that".
"I don't really care. To me, you are", JIyong clicks his tongue in annoyance. He then pauses for a little while as if debating if he should keep talking. His gaze is shy, conflicted and the voice is barely audible, "Have you ever been in love, hyung?"
Choi's eyes enlarge in surprise, his attempts to catch up with Jiyong's train of thought futile. The air shifts, some private, guarded part of his life is being prodded at, Kwon knocking on the secret door right behind his tough facade. "Mhm", is all that Seunghyun is willing to respond.
Kwon looks expectantly, his eyes a burning presence on Choi's skin, so he decides to indulge, put out the fire of curiosity when it's still weak, "Don't look at me like that, it led to nothing".
"Did she break your heart?"
"Nothing worth writing a song about", he alludes and waves his hand before his face, dispersing the uncalled memories, "Middle school crush".
"Oh", Jiyong says, clearly unsatisfied with the answer, "Any recent success then?"
Seunghyun tames him with a stern look, all this digging into his personal affairs is making him queasy. Kwon rolls his eyes and keeps pestering his hyung, "I'm not gonna tell anyone, I promise, hyung. Why do you look unconvinced? Oh come on, I said I promise. Look, hyung I'm just brainstorming, really".
Choi sighs as he slumps against the sofa, the ticking of the clock ambient and calming to his brain. He looks at the way sun catches in Jiyong's eyelashes and throws his head back, lightly bumping into the wall. Conceding.
"I don't think that I'll be of much help here. But ask away".
"Really?", Jiyong is all but jumps up.
"It's fairly disappointing", the older mumbles, head hung low and hands hugging one of his knees close to his torso.
It comes as no surprise that Jiyong lets the idea of love, the true one, consume his very being. It's all out there, on his sleeve, hidden in plain sight. He daydreams, he scribbles hearts on top of his own lyrics, he hums the love-songs he hears on every corner. TOP is just a little bit jealous.
Love burns and love stings, and love for the latter is nothing but harsh and lonely. He agrees, such thinking is a little bit dramatic. Kwon's heartbreak songs are just as sharp and precise. Seunghyun just wishes he could steal some of his dongsaeng's hopefulness. He completely misses Jiyong's questions.
It's awkward, the looks they exchange and the way Seunghyun grinds his teeth, evidently nervous. Kwon's face softens.
"Do you trust me, hyung?", the older nods curtly, "Why don't you tell me the truth, then?"
"Because there's no truth to tell, Young-ah", he says after a brief tense pause, "There's barely been any success, okay?"
Jiyong has the decency to look surprised while Seunghyun only chuckles in self-pity and clutches both of his knees in a protective pose.
"That can't be true, hyung, what? Wait, no, don't get me wrong", he flaps his hands around, trying to grab the attention, "It's just, you're... You know, you."
"What's that supposed to mean?", Seunghyun's gaze is still glued to his fingers, knuckles white and the tips of his fingers pinkish.
Jiyong's chair squeaks and bumps against the wall with a quiet thud as he stands up, movements careful. He sits next to his hyung, mere centimeters of tense air separating them.
"What I meant is, hey, look at me, okay?", they face each other. Seunghyun looks embarrassed while Jiyong tries catching his eyes for more than a second. It's useless, so he acts before he thinks and takes the older's face into his palms carefully, lifting it up, "Like I said, you're you. I don't know a single person that wouldn't find you attractive, hyung".
"Maybe it's my personality, then", he supplies weakly, an attempt of a joke Jiyong certainly doesn't find funny. "Okay, that's enough, I got it".
Kwon's hands fall to his knees and he promptly clutches his fists. Seunghyun's face is covered with his hair, almost completely hidden in the shadow. They sit there, chewing on their thoughts and carefully eyeing each other.
Minutes later, Jiyong blurts out, "So what, you haven't even kissed anyone yet?". The way Choi turns to him and frowns is an answer in itself, "I'm just curious, that's it!"
The older's lips are pursed. Jiyong's sighs lightly, "But... Do you want to? Like, at all?"
He reaches out and puts the long strand of hair behind Seunghyun's ear and rests the palm on his shoulder. His cheekbones are dusted red. Kwon's understanding hum seems to loosen the older up, the tension leaving his back.
"Hey, hyung?", Jiyong gets brave and pokes his neck lightly, Seunghyun laughs and lets his smile linger a second, "I might have an idea that can solve both our problems at once".
"I'm not going clubbing with you".
"Hey!", Kwon slaps his hand, "Whatever. That's not what I had in mind. And you can decline, okay?".
Seunghyun puts his feet on the floor and half-turns in curiosity, a ghost of embarrassment still on his face. He sits there and watches Jiyong fidget and stumble over his words as he figures out how to say what's on his mind, "Just spit it out, will you?"
"Do you, maybe, wanna experiment?", younger's voice is full of doubt, "With each other, I mean".
Seunghyun looks utterly stunned, eyebrows raised and eyes wide in shock. Jiyong laughs nervously and rushes to add, "It doesn't have to mean anything, you know, right? And, of course, you can say no. God, it was stupid of me, right? Sorry, I just thought, I don't know, I can teach you important stuff? I realize how ridiculous it sounds now, wow, sorry, I'll-"
"Jiyong", Choi squeezes his hand tenderly, "Stop, I just didn't really expect you to say that . Let me think it over, okay?"
Jiyong lets out a breath he did't remember holding and nods, "Okay. S-sure thing".
-
It's two days later when the door to his room creaks in the middle of the night and Kwon shuts his eyes, not ready to deal with whatever and whoever decided to interrupt his overthinking marathon. The bed dips and he has to fight the urge to crack one of his eyes open. It's as silent as it could get in the dorm filled with young adults. The other person seems to have no intention of leaving, though.
"Jiyong-ah", Kwon's breath hitches, it's Seunghyun, "I know you're not sleeping, stop pretending".
Seunghyun reaches and turns the desk light on. Jiyong grunts and rolls over on his back, an exhausted sigh on his lips, "What is it, hyung?"
The watch tells him that's it's barely past midnight, faint hum of the city still awake and running is the only thing breaking the quiet. The older chews on his bottom lip.
"Listen, if it's not urgent, I'm gonna go to sleep, okay? You should do the same, we have early practice, remember?", Seunghyun is quiet as Jiyong pulls his blanket up, making himself comfortable. A minute later, he makes no move to leave, "Seriously, what's wrong, hyung?"
Choi stares into his eyes for a second and rips them away, looking flustered, "I thought about, you know".
"Oh".
Jiyong shoots up from the bed, cold air hitting his exposed hands. He fixes his tank top, straps falling off the shoulders and tries making himself presentable. His fingers twitch, nervousness taking over his body little by little. Their eyes don't meet.
"And what..?" Jiyong clears his throat, "What do you think?"
"It's a decent idea", Kwon feels as if he has just regained the ability to breathe.
"So, do you want to..?"
"Yeah. I wouldn't mind some help".
Jiyong relaxes against the headboard, suddenly seeing clear. He pats the bed gently, urging Seunghyun to climb in with him. Still hesitant, the latter tugs off his slippers and leans against the wall, legs crossed.
The bed is tiny, Jiyong himself sometimes finds it hard to rest there properly, not to mention its ability to fit Seunghyun, not to mention both of them. The situation feels awkward in a way that it has never been before, not between the two of them. Kwon registers the fact that his ears are burning. He keeps stealing glances at Seunghyun, desperately wanting for the other to begin.
"So", the moment breaks, Jiyong's head snapping to the sound of his hyung's voice, "What do we do now?"
"Um", Jiyong wishes he had an adequate answer, "Kiss?"
Seunghyun laughs softly, "No shit, Yong-ie. How- What do I need to do?"
The younger quiets down, caught off guard with this question. His first kiss was just a peck, hidden in the corner behind his high school. He barely remembers it, his shoes untied and his jacket too big on his form. The girl he hardly talked to just asked him and then pressed her lips against his, shoving the paper in his hand, then ran off.
It was a weird feeling and the next thing he knew he was late for his class. It was impactful enough to make his stomach feel weird for days before his life got in the way.
He looks at Seunghyun, imagining him in his high school uniform on a chilly spring day, cheeks full and hair disheveled. What would he do? Would he let her take his first kiss?
Well, he's about to let me, out of all people, do it.
The thought makes Jiyong flinch. He's been quiet for way too long, Seunghyun from his fantasies disperses and turns into the real thing. Jiyong barely knows how to approach the topic when he blurts out, "Just kiss me".
"How?"
"Like you see in movies".
Seunghyun mumbles something under his nose, clearly displeased with the answer. He crawls over to Jiyong, his legs barely fitting in the space offered. He towers over the younger, face flushed. Kwon is engrossed with counting his thick eyelashes unknowingly when Seunghyun lets his eyes fall shut.
Their lips meet. It's nothing more than a press of the flesh, Seunghyun's hands and back are stiff as a board. Jiyong closes his own eyelids and kisses back, urging the other to mirror his actions.
It's soft and warm, the sensation. Jiyong thinks that it's not that different from kissing a girl. He raises his hand to Seunghyun's face, thumb drawing circles on his cheekbones as they move. The kiss seems to last forever, Jiyong starts loosing his mind in the feeling, and then it's suddenly over and his lips are wet and cold.
"Was it... Was it any good?", the older is a little short of breath, eyes big and unblinking. Jiyong swallows.
"Yeah, it's good. You're a fast learner", it was one of the best kisses Jiyong has ever had and they didn't even use tongue. He thinks about Seunghyun in a relationship, the way he would lean down and run his hand through his girlfriend's hair before kissing her softly. He frowns at the unpleasant tugging in his chest.
"That's it? Any tips?"
"You need more practice", Jiyong palms the back of his neck, pulling the older down harshly, "Let me show you", he whispers before closing the distance impatiently.
Seunghyun's confusion slowly melts off his face, body relaxing into Jiyong as the latter clutches onto his shoulder. This time, it's rather hungry than tentative, Seunghyun responds with similar eagerness and with his body so close he ends up almost pressing Jiyong into the pillows with his weight. The latter nudges Choi's lips with his tongue. Seunghyun opens his mouth almost automatically, a tiny surprised sound immediately swallowed by Jiyong's mouth.
The older tastes good, Kwon thinks absentmindedly, licking into the corners of his mouth. He feels the hunger grow, biting and sucking on Seunghyun's lips, their spit, mixed up and sweet attempting to escape. Jiyong presses his tongue to Seunghyun's, wet sounds muffled by their lips. He pulls off with a wet smacking sound, Choi looking at him in bewilderment.
Jiyong wants more.
"Now do the same", he breathes out, voice heavy.
"Jiyong, wait-", Seunghyun breathes softly, his whole face a beautiful pink shade.
"Hyung, do you wanna learn or not?", Kwon interrupts, short nails scratching at the fabric where his palm meets Seunghyun's body. The latter nods curtly. "Kiss me, then."
Later, Jiyong would wonder what exactly came over him that night. He aches, forced into making a conscious effort to keep his desperate sounds contained, only letting out the tiniest of moans. Seunghyun's weight on his body, big hands now clutching his waist, the saliva running down his chin; Jiyong is burning hot with desire. He's frustrated and pent up, physically holding himself back from grinding his hips against the man on top of him.
Kwon lets his hands roam the board back of his partner, every hard earned muscle gained during their shared workouts is hidden beneath the thick fabric of his hyung's hoodie. Jiyong wishes to take it off.
The thought strikes him like a lightning, instantly clearing his mind. Seunghyun is still kissing him eagerly and raising his hands to push on his chest is a Herculean task. Maybe it's the weak lighting, but Choi almost looks disappointed for a second.
"There you go, big guy", Jiyong says, voice heavy with barely covered up arousal, and smiles weakly.
"Yeah, thanks", Seunghyun's tone is lower than usual, the said fact pulling a reaction out of Jiyong's body in a form of twitching finders. "You're a great teacher".
"Glad I could help", and while it is true, Jiyong is also glad to satisfy his burning need for another human being's touch. Although, it did light up some new desires he wasn't ready to unpack yet.
Seunghyun shifts on the bed, unsure of what else to say, so Jiyong checks his watch again, eyes widening. He had just spent a little bit over twenty minutes doing nothing, but making out with his best friend.
"Gotta get going, then", Seunghyun adds meekly, hands playing with the hem of his hoodie. Jiyong hums in agreement.
"Let's continue our lessons next time", he blurts out before he can think properly.
"Next time?", Choi sounds hopeful.
"Well, it's not like you've learned everything, hyung. And practice makes perfect, isn't that right?"
"Makes sense", Jiyong seriously doubts it. They have no need to continue whatever just happened in his room, and yet Jiyong nods enthusiastically, confirming his hyung's words.
"Come find me when we have more time, okay?", Seunghyun keeps silent as he gets up, crawling over Jiyong's legs and presenting the stretch of his neck and the sharp cut of his jawline to Kwon's attentive gaze. He walks to the door, careful not to make any loud sounds.
"Thank you, Jiyong-ah", he says, turning his head around, "Have a good night".
"You too, hyung", and the door shuts with a soft click.
Jiyong waits for a minute, listening in, and as soon as he hears Seunghyun walk into his own room, he slips down his bed, covering up his face with blankets.
His whole body burns with unstoppable want, legs aching to get up and get close and personal. He thinks about the last twenty-something minutes over and over again, the images making him whine pathetically.
It doesn't have to mean anything , his own voice pops up in his head. It has indeed been a while since he had gotten some action. Maybe that's why his organism is reacting like that, becoming aroused in minutes over nothing but a kiss.
A practice kiss, his treacherous mind supplies, which only makes Jiyong groan in distain. It doesn't mean anything.
Kwon lays there, mind all but wandering back to the previous events, and filled to the brim with images of Seunghyun.
Jiyong cracks his eyes open, tossing the blanket on the floor and examining the state that he's in right now. There's an embarrassing tent in his pants, shoulders still hot and hands trembling.
"Well, fuck", he says out loud, shoving a hand in his underwear.