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When the battle ended Odysseus had yet to scrape himself off Astyanax' bedroom floor.

"You know, I reaaally wanted to avoid seeing the whole baby turning into a pancake thing, but then the battle ended, bird-Zeus noped outta here and nobody knew where the hell you were - oh, don't give me that look, nobody saw you yeet that baby off the tower - and honestly, I've got zero concept of how long these ancient battles are supposed to last, so then I was like, fuck, what if I actually managed to change something for once but that change was literally butterfly-effect-ing the timelike straight into ‘congrats, you killed the main character!’ which, like, would suck so hard! So yeah, I figured I should check up on you before things went full Greek Tragedy." Danny of Motta, the strangest man with the strangest name Odysseus had ever heard, looked down at him with raised brows, his words as always mostly drifting into one ear and out the other. "Uhm. You good, man?"

Danny's ill-fitting armor was clean like he hadn't fought, his bow was strung the wrong way and he had not a drop of sweat on his brow. It was not in Odysseus's right to call him a coward and a deserter, after all he too had once feigned insanity not to be sent into battle.

The man sat down beside him and looked up at the railing of the balcony, immaculately clean besides the grime and blood Odysseus had tracked in.

"Guess we can also just sit here and vibe in the sad corner. Not like that's a huge shift from my normal life, am I right, Dyssy?" Danny's smile became strained when Odysseus didn't react. "Okay. Yeah. Nono, I get it, unfitting joke. Comedy's dead. But uhhh, real talk? This is the high point, man, it's aaaaaall downhill from here."

Odysseus took a deep breath and tried to center himself. It wasn't over just because he had taken one life. They still had to manage the way back. It was fine.

He was the commander, responsible for the lives of hundreds of men. There was no time for wallowing.

Odysseus staggered upright and held out a hand towards Danny who took it after a surprised startle. Odysseus clapped his shoulder with a grateful nod and marched out the door. The gods were watching his every step.

"Uh, yeah, great talk, man! Happy to help or whatever!"

"My thanks is the fact I haven't killed you for avoiding battle!" Odysseus called over his shoulder, only halfway joking. "Or insubordination."

Danny jogged over to walk behind him, shifting like he still wasn't used to armor. "When I get outta here it's gonna be with zero trauma, exactly zero murders and at most a bit more arm muscles from carrying this heavyass sword, not a netflix docu on the guy who somehow managed to die in ancient greece through isekai."

"Your words continue to elude me, my friend."

-

The first time Odysseus noticed Danny of Motta was a few weeks before the fateful battle in Troy. Which was unusual since Odysseus knew every single man in his battalion, knew there were only forty-three of them and yet now there were forty-four. And this one did not belong here. Yet, every time Odysseus saw him his brain was filled with the absolute knowledge this man was meant to be here. Nothing unusual here, look away. None of his other men knew who he was either and questions only led to blank looks before it seemed like their minds were resetting to before Odysseus asked them and they promptly forgot they didn't know the stranger in their midst.

Danny of Motta was tall, pale enough to quickly burn in the sun and spoke incomprehensive riddles everyone long learned to tune out. Or maybe it was whatever spell was on him that made them filter his words as unimportant.

"Be weary of him but do not cast him out," Athena told him. "He reeks of the Fates."

Odysseus grabbed the hilt of his sword. "Is he a danger?"

"No. I don't think he could hurt anyone even if he wanted to."

"What does that mean?" Odysseus asked but she had already disappeared. Because of course.

-

"I fucking hate boats," were the first words Danny of Motta said to him when Odysseus decided to talk to him. He was slumped over the railing, expelling his guts and looked like he regretted living.

"The seas have been calm these last weeks. I think the gods are in our favor, wouldn't you agree?"

"Ughh, don't say that, those words are gonna age like milk real quick."

"What was that?"

"I said those words are gonna age like milk real quick!"

Odysseus frowned, wondering why this man's words were still not computing in his mind. "What was that?"

"I SAID- you know what, forget it. Not like I can change anything anyway. No, sir, good ol' Dan-Man over here's just meant to be an observer."

An observer smelling of the Fates. This did not make Odysseus fearful of what lay ahead at all. Still, Danny of Motta looked unassuming, Athena didn't see him as a danger and it would not bode well to anger whatever god was over him. That however didn't mean Odysseus wouldn't needle him.

"You don't by chance have some medicine against sea sickness, do you, Dyssy? By the way, can I call you Dyssy?"

"I would rather you didn't."

Danny vomited over the railing again.

Odysseus casually leaned beside him, a waterskin in his hand. "I don't think I've seen you before."

Danny pushed himself up and accepted the waterskin with shaking fingers. "Oh, I've been around. You know. Greece. Ithaca. Places."

"Places?" Odysseus repeated dubiously.

"Definitely Ithica. Which is a Greek place."

"Did you just insult our city?"

"What?! No, I said Greek! I've made the Roman mistake before but not this time!"

"I don't know what Greek is," Odysseus said in suspicion.

"You're Greek!"

"I'm Odysseus. Your captain."

Danny of Motta threw his hands up in the air. "So you aren't even Greek?! Or- okay, is this like a history thing? You know, we call you Greek but only after, like, a thousand years and, like you don’t know what Monday is? Or January? Wait, what year is it even?"

"Year?"

"You know!" Danny of Motta gesticulated wildly as if he hoped the more erratic he swung, the better he could convey his meaning. "The year! How many years are we post-Jesus? Or... pre-Jesus? Ima be real with ya, dawg, I know nothing about this time. I barely passed history and that came with google and libraries and shit. I could've read up on history when I finished the reaction, or like, read the Odyssey, but hey, I'm a busy man with a busy schedule! Ya know how exhausting it is to keep up with three whole reaction videos a week and a podcast? And a patreon where I upload one exclusive reaction video a month, where you can watch reactions to anime like Food Wars or Disney shows like Sky High and..."

Oh, Odysseus realized with horror dawning on him. This man didn't have a patron the way Athena was to him. No, the god must have cursed him awfully to walk through life so confused. Must have cursed him to be forgotten by the people around him, for his speech to sound like riddles. As his captain and king Odysseus would make sure he would be treated well enough by the others.

"We are in the tenth year of the war against Troy."

"Great, that cleared up exactly none of my confusion."

“What about your hometown then?” Odysseus asked. “I don't think I've ever heard of it.”

“My hometown? I think I'd have noticed if I mentioned Los Angeles.”

“Motta,” Odysseus said, more patient with the confused man that he’d have thought himself capable of. “I am Odysseus of Ithaca. You are Danny of Motta.”

Danny paused, mouth open as he gaped at him. “Of course the ancient Greeks don't have last names. Of fucking course.” He looked at the sky, pointing his middle fingers upwards. “It’s a place somewhere in the ass of nothing with like two cows and one barn. You wouldn't know it.”

Odysseus knew all places on and around Ithaca. Motta was not one of them. It seemed the one who had cursed him had even made him forget his own home. Odysseus clapped him on the shoulder with empathy. What a heavy burden, to be cursed by the gods.

-

"Ya know, I don't even know how we're understanding each other right now," Danny told Polites after they had cleaned up the carnage in Troy and had returned back to their boats, finally setting sail for Ithaca. "Like - am I speaking Greek or am I speaking English and you guys just get it auto-dubbed in your minds? Like, how's that work? 'Cause I swear I'm talking in full-on modern English!" He squinted at Polites, leaning forward until Polites shuffled back with an indulgent smile. They had all gotten used to their resident nutcase. Some even liked him for the entertainment he brought in the mundanity of sailing. "Is there a magic tower of Babel thing going on? A spell? Google translate: Olympus edition?"

"Language?" Polites asked in confusion. "Oh is that why you talk with an accent?"

"Accent?! ACCENT? How does that even work in this context?! How the fuck do I have an accent?!"

Eurylochus stepped beside Odysseus before Polites would be forced to answer. "Captain, we've run out of supplies to eat from this cursed war. Six-hundred men-"

"SIX-HUNDRED-AND-ONE, YOU UNHELPFUL BITCH!" Danny very helpfully added.

Odysseus nodded. "Six-hundred-and-one."

Eurylochus took a long and deliberate breath. "Six-hundred-and-one men, six-hundred-and-one reasons to take what we can. What is our plan, Captain?"

"Ughhh, don't even start with that bullshit," Danny groaned. "Captain this, captain that, can't you people do anything for yourselves? Is Dyssy here wiping your ass for you too? Brushing your teeth? Tucking you in with a little forehead kiss and a goodnight story? Not you, Polites, you're perfect. Never change."

"Thanks?" Polites grinned. "I guess?"

“Man, next week is gonna suck so hard. Full-blown emotional catastrophe. I'm already attached to you, man. That's what this adorable lil’ Disney-protagonist baby face’s doing to people. Do you even know how evil you are, just for existing? Weaponized adorableness.”

Polites did, in fact, not have an adorable baby face. He had the normal face of a thirty-five year old soldier. Or maybe Danny meant the aura of peace always surrounding him.

“.... thanks?” Polites repeated. “... I guess??”

“Not like that bitch over there.” Danny raised two middle fingers towards Eurylochus in a gesture that was probably meant to be an insult.

Odysseus interfered before his second in command decided manslaughter was a good idea. "Watch where the birds fly. They will lead us to land and there we can find food."

"Now full speed aheaaaaaad!" Danny sang.

"That too," Odysseus said, spirits high with the knowledge he'd soon see his wife and son again. "The quicker we row, the quicker we're back home!"

"Oof." Danny gripped the shirt over his heart. "The foreshadowing bell. This is physically taking me out. You guys have never heard of jinxing it, have you?"

Eurylochus stomped away just so he didn't have to listen to Danny anymore.

-

“This cave is so obviously evil. Like - just look at it! God, why are we going inside again?”

“If you don't want food, you can stay behind with the other men.” Eurylochus rolled his eyes.

“Don't mind if I do!”

Odysseus grabbed Danny by his cape and pulled him back. “We need enough men to bring back all these sheep.”

“Alright,” Danny grumbled and crossed his arms. “Can ya promise me not to dox your social security number and home address though?”

“Sure.” Odysseus slit his sword across the neck of a sheep. “Whatever that means.”

“Ewwww,” Danny said and turned around, dramatically holding a hand over his eyes. “Gross. Definitely did not need to see that.”

From the depths of the cave a stomping rattled the ground. A hush fell over the men as a giant appeared, one eye looking at them, then at the sheep still bleeding at Odysseus’ feet. Odysseus quickly retreated, an arm extended to push Danny back when he didn’t move.

“You killed my sheep,” the cyclops weeped as he cradled the animal in his big palms. “My favorite sheep.”

“Aww, he looks like a loser!” Danny yelled and if Odysseus wasn’t busy panic-mixing lotus into a bottle of wine, he’d have stuffed it right into Danny of Motta’s mouth. “Where’s the mouth-vagina?! The teeth?! The- the pzazz?! Did none of y'all watch mircsy’s animatic?!” He paused. “Wait, actually, maybe I don't want the seventy foot cyclops to also look like he emerged from hell, my bad. Continue.”

The cyclops stared at them. “I was about to let you plead your case but I can reconsider.”

“NO!” Odysseus jumped forward, pushing Danny back, the bottle of wine firmly held in his hands. “Please! There must have been a misunderstanding!”

“Pshh, yeah,” Danny snorted, ignoring Odysseus’ signals for him to shut the fuck up. “Misunderstanding. You misunderstood, oh great cyclops, the sheep was like that before we came here! It was the bear people, I swear!”

The sound of a slap echoed through the cave. Danny held the back of his head and pouted at Eurylochus who resolutely stared forward. For a moment Odysseus wondered if he could placate the cyclops by offering him Danny of Motta as dinner.

-

Odysseus wasn’t aware of anything around him, besides Polites’ draining blood and life leaving his eyes too quickly. His closest friend, gone in an instant. Not fallen in their ten year war. Dead to a creature that only wanted to cause violence.

A shrill voice ripped him out of his freeze. “NOOOOOO! Polites! God fucking damn it, it's even worse seeing it in real life! You gods are sick, I tell you, sick! I’m never gonna listen to the stupid album again, curse you, Jorge! Why must your tunes be so damn catchy!”

“Captain,” Eurylochus called in panic and Odysseus took a deep breath. He grabbed Polites’ head band and wrapped it around his wrist. No time to wallow in misery.

-

“I'm the reigning king of Ithaca!”

“Dude, shut the fuck up!”

“I am neither man nor mythical!”

“Dyssy! My guy! I promise you, you don’t wanna do this!”

“I am your darkest moment.”

“Ahh, fuck me sideways, the hubris bell is ringing. We're officially in final boss cutscene mode.”

“I am the infamous - ODYSSEUS!”

“Yep. Yeah, that's the sound of doom. The sound of fate rolling up its sleeve, ready to absolutely pound us - aaaand here comes Athena. Great.”

-

“Captain, how much longer ‘til our luck runs out?”

“Oh my GOD Eury-declus, shut the fuck up, holy shit!”

“That's… not my name.”

“Do I look like I give a fuck? No, that wasn't a rhetorical question, Eurovision, do I genuinely look like I give even an ounce of a fuck, a microscopic, homeopathic amount of a fuck, huh?! This guy” - Danny of Motta poked Odysseus in the cheek who was too stunned to defend himself - “this guy, this absolute Greek menace, led you guys through Troy with that stupid fucking horse plan, saved you from the cyclops and then harpooned a wholeass island like it owes him money and you still go ‘wahhh wahhh, Captain, I'm Eury-this-dick and I physically can not go five fucking minutes without saying the C-word!’” Danny frowned in consideration. “Okay, yes, minor note, he did broadcast his coordinates to Poseidon like it was an ancient Greek Zillow listing, and will technically get like most of the fleet killed but we ignore that. It's your fault anyway for opening the wind bag. Actions! Consequences! Bro, I’m like this close to shanking you in the face and the only thing keeping me back is that I’m really good at using humor as a coping mechanism!”

“What,” Eurylochus said.

Odysseus shook off the buzz in his mind that came with Danny of Motta’s curse whenever he spoke about things he wasn’t allowed to share. Athena had once told him about a woman, able to see the future, cursed so that nobody would ever believe her. Maybe Danny was the same, Athena had mused. Cursed to know but unable to share. It pained Odysseus, knowing the answer to all his questions could be right there and yet he was not allowed to know. Maybe it was a curse for Odysseus and not Danny. A pain meant to spread instead of being contained in just one person.

Danny might know if Odysseus would ever make it home. Was his constant approval of Odysseus proof he would make it? Or was it a harbinger, his pity for an unfortunate end that would befall Odysseus?

“Is that any way to talk to your second in command?” Eurylochus asked. He seemed more exhausted than angry though. They were all tired from the long journey, the extended war.

“Eury-deez-nuts,” Danny hissed.

Eurylochus turned towards Odysseus, desperation in his eyes. “Captain, could we please just talk inside? Away from him?”

“Yeah, run like the lil’ bitch you are!” Danny called after them.

-

When Odysseus woke up and ran on deck, the wind bag had already been opened.

“Hey, I tried to stop them!” Danny of Motta, tied to a mast, screamed. “I was all like ‘the dude gave you like one instruction, how hard is it to follow that?! Just don't touch the magic ziploc!’ and then ‘Guys, if you open that thing, everyone's literally going to die’ and then these assholes tied me to the fucking mast like I'm the problem! I told ya, Dyssy, you should have literally just used the bag as a pillow and kept a sword underneath just in case! Worst case scenario, you stab the bag! And that would have still been safer than with these bozos!”

Odysseus would deal with that later. For now he just had to stop this insanity. He yanked the wind bag out of his men’s hands and tried to close it.

“Help me close the bag!” he screamed.

“But sir, it's too late,” Eurylochus said.

“We can save whatever wind is left to use another day, come on!”

Finally they successfully closed the bag, wrapping its string back around the opening. The sea was suspiciously quiet, not a single sound of a wave, of the wind. Only Danny of Motta’s loud, obnoxious cursing and yelling.

And from the depths of the ocean a god rose.

-

“God DAMN he’s somehow hotter than in the animatics! Shit dude, what’s your hair routine?! No, wait, your workout routine? Do gods even have workout routines? - ohhh fuck, that was straight up a ship, oh fuck, oh sweet jesus-”

-

“HEY, BOZO! Listen! Did we technically blind your son? Yeah, but that guy’s a loser! A bitch! We killed just one sheep and what does he do? Try to kill us! That's so disproportional and here you are, being even more disproportional! Like a lil’ bitch!”

Poseidon stopped in his rampage to lean forward, water dripping over the mast, over Danny, until he was drenched. Odysseus cursed when he realized the man was still tied to the mast.

“I know you can not die, but there are worse fates than death out there, little mortal.”

“Eh, I can't really be hurt either,” Danny grinned.

Poseidon raised his trident.

“NO!” Odysseus screamed. His men were dead, the rest of his fleet, but he would not let any of his remaining men die.

The trident went straight through Danny. Danny yawned. “Aww,” he said with a smirk, “turns out there's a god stronger than you out there.”

Enraged, Poseidon raised his spear again. Shit, even if he couldn't kill Danny of Motta, the ship could very much be damaged.

“HEY, POSEIDON!”

The angry god looked at him. Odysseus opened the bag.

-

“Uhm, hey so… can ya cut me free? Pretty sure my arms are part of the mast now. I stopped feeling my shoulders by the time you catapulted us through the sea - badass move by the way, just don’t know why the hell you sounded so chipper after, you know, all the death, and-”

Odysseus cut him off the mast with one slash of his sword. He had completely forgotten Danny was still there. As had all the other men apparently who had gone to explore the island.

Danny stretched with a groan and rolled his shoulders.

“You can't die,” Odysseus said.

“Yep. Can't die, can't seriously be hurt. The god who dumped me here’s a bitch, sure, but not that much of a bitch. Apparently.” He shrugged before wincing in pain. “I'm like a cursed funko pop - can't break me but dear god, please stop trying.”

Odysseus looked back from where the wind bag had sent them. One immortal man and five-hundred-fifty-seven dead. If anything at least Odysseus could be sure his actions wouldn’t lead to this one man’s death. He could return to Penelope as the king who only let most of his men die.

“Why are you here?” Odysseus wanted to know. Until now Danny of Motta hadn’t really done anything, nothing to help them nor to hinder them. He had been good entertainment and had been at Odysseus’s side on some of his worst moments though, had trusted his judgment when even his second in command didn’t, and maybe that was already enough.

Danny pointed his middle fingers back up at the sky and Odysseus grabbed his arms to lower them again. No need to anger Zeus too.

“The gods send me here because I didn't know enough about the stupid fuckin’ Odyssey! Like, sorry I was raised in an area where we read fucking Nathaniel Hawthorne - believe me, I’d have also much rather not! - Instead of ‘How not to get murdered by sea monsters: A Guide’! I finished my reaction series, I wanted to read the stupid book but I could never find the time! And then BAM some deity shows up and suddenly it was like ‘ohhh, Danny Motta, I'm god and it’s embarrassing how you spread your misinformation and lack of knowledge to your more than one million subscribers! How dare you think the Greeks are Roman! Go learn about the Odyssey from the source’, like - bro! - you couldn't have done that before my reaction series?! You couldn't have stopped me from embarassing myself in front of one million people?! And then I get dropkicked into canon like it's an escape room from hell. And the undeniable kicker?! I can't even change anything even though I know the bullshit that's about to happen! Just here to suffer, observe and provide unhelpful commentary - sorry for that by the way. Not the commentary, the unhelpfulness. Real educational, thank you soooo much, god!”

Well, that was a lot to unpack. A lot of nonsense Odysseus didn't understand. He did get the basic gist of it though. A punishment by the gods for wrong knowledge he had spread, a teaching moment. Odysseus’s suffering was a teaching moment.

“Can you at least tell me I will see my wife and son again?”

Danny’s mouth opened and Odysseus’s head filled with a buzz. He sighed and Danny grumbled something annoyed under his breath.

“Listen, man, I can't give you spoilers, yeah? Dimension travel rules or karma or whatever, the shitty god might just smite me with a lightning bolt made from copyright claims. But I can tell ya that there's a reason it’s called the Odyssey and not the… Eurylochey. Or the Diamedysey.”

Odysseus had no idea what that meant but it sounded positive. He clapped a hand on Danny’s shoulder. “Thank you, my friend.”

“Shit, bro, put those puppy eyes away! Those are a weapon, man! Officer, right here, this man is wielding certified expert-level weapons of mass-destruction! Grade-A emotional terrorism! The Geneva convention got torn into shreds right now!”

One man. One man who couldn't die, even if Odysseus fucked everything else up.

-

“A woman,” Eurylochus said. “She had us in just two words.”

“Awwwwwww yeah! Shit, that's right!” Danny jumped off the ship, into the sand, and stomped the way Eurylochus had just come from. “Don't mind me, Ima just oink for a pretty lady real quick!”

“She’s a dangerous witch!” Eurylochus yelled after him but Danny was already long gone. Eurylochus wiped his hands over his face. “What is wrong with that man?”

-

“You knew I’d free you,” Odysseus said when Danny had been turned into a human again. It had been obvious which of the pigs had been Danny; it was the only one not screaming in panic, not trying to escape.

Circe was looking at Danny in disgust who was stretching and groaning as all his bones cracked at once. A man who didn’t fear her spell but was instead running towards it. It was no wonder she wasn’t pleased with his existence.

“Listen, man, where I’m from? No magic! Boring as hell. Just wifi-outages and wildfires and overpriced coffee. No shit I’d marathon-run towards getting shapeshifted, are you kidding me? Yeah, it was weird as fuck, my bones did not enjoy that at all, god damn! But like, you should definitely try it out! That's life-changing, bro, everyone should walk on four feet at least once in their lives!”

“My spells are not meant for your entertainment,” Circe muttered in dismay. “And no man like you should be on my island. I think it's best you leave.”

“Listen, lady, I have a girlfriend at home, so don’t give me that look! She’s supportive of my stupid job as an anime reaction youtuber, do you know how rare that is?! I’d say that probably says more about her intelligence that she thought I was a good love interest, but that's the worst, she’s also wickedly smart! And she chose me! Like, that's a red flag, bro!” He paused, staring at the ground with empty eyes. “Man, I miss my friends and family. Shit, is that how you felt, Dyssy? This fucking sucks.”

“We will see them again,” Odysseus said, wondering how Danny of Motta’s girlfriend dealt with the curse on him, if he had been cursed even before joining the war. He gave another grateful smile to Circe. “The lady of the palace offered to get us to the underworld and talk with a prophet.”

“Oh,” Danny said, not sounding excited at all. “Gee. Great. Looking forward to the emotional torment. Not like that almost made me cry when I reacted to it, now I get front seats to the show. Thanks, god.”

Odysseus froze. He didn't understand most of what came out of Danny’s mouth, but usually he understood the underlying emotion. And this - this did not sound positive. And yet, this was the only way for them.

“Should we rather not go?” he muttered towards Danny when they walked back to their ship.

“What?! No, why would you think that?”

“You sounded the exact same as when we walked into the cave with the cyclops!” Polites’ smile flashed in his mind and he shut his eyes for a moment. “If you know more men will die, if you know anything-”

“Listen, pal, I'm not allowed to change anything. Don't think I even could. Like, I once tried to write shit down and the paper burst into flames right before my eyes. I once tried to talk to- to Polites, but it was like his memory immediately got erased. I'm literally just a live commentary youtuber, which arguably, is even worse than being a normal commentary youtuber, because at least then I can practice my bits! Do you have any idea how often I've stumbled over my words these last months, absolutely ruining a hilarious bit?!”

“Danny of Motta,” Odysseus interrupted him, tired.

“Just Danny Motta, bro, it's my fucking name!” Coming from the man who insisted on calling him ‘Dyssy’, Odysseus immediately discarded that. “And nah man, don't worry, nobody's gonna die in the Underworld. You might just get a bit emotionally scarred.”

“I can take that,” Odysseus said. “As long as nobody else in my crew dies.”

“Captain!” Perimedes jogged up to them, gasping for air. “Elpenor was drunk on the witch’s palace and then he- and then he fell and died!”

Odysseus stared at him, long and hard, unable to bring up any emotion besides continuous bafflement. It was Danny who voiced what he was thinking.

“Oh what the actual FUCK-”

-

“This life is amazing when you greet it with open arms.”

“AWWWW NO! No! Fuck off, ghost of the best character! How dare you have made me care for you, in the animatics and in real life?!”

-

Odysseus was still standing at the stern of his ship, a hand uselessly reaching out to the voice of his mother even though her image had long since disappeared. The arms of his dead crew were reaching for him, their screams of accusation ringing loudly in his head.

A sniff broke through the haze of his mind. “Shit, dude.” Danny of Motta was crying, wiping over his eyes in a frenzy. “Fuck, that's just- dude. That sucks. Genuinely, not even trying to be funny. That fucking sucks.”

“She was waiting for me,” Odysseus rasped out, feeling an empty hollow where his heart was supposed to be. “She died waiting for me. I thought- I was so sure I’d see her again, I didn’t even consider she wouldn’t be there. That's- that's what mother's do, don't they? They're there for you. They're- they're always there for you when you need them.”

“Shit, dude, you're making me cry, stop it-” Danny bumped their shoulders together. He took a very long breath, long enough to the point Odysseus wondered if his lungs would implode, until his voice stopped shaking. “Okay. Alright. I'm good. How ‘bout you, dude? - stupid question, just heard it when it came out of my mouth, you don't even need to reply. Shit.” He looked up, at the dark ceiling, the wandering souls. “What a shithole of a place. Yo. Dyssy. Wanna tell me about your mom? What kinda woman she was? I can tell you about mine if you work on an ‘equivalent exchange’ kinda basis like a Greek Edward Elric.”

For a moment Odysseus wanted to reject him, the wound still too fresh. On a second thought however, he realized he really wanted to. He wanted to tell this strange man about the woman who had raised him, to tell him stories about her like he could talk her back into existence. Or maybe, just manifest his good memories with her back into the black hole of his chest.

And so he started talking.

-

Danny of Motta’s face peeked out from where he had been hiding behind several barrels, grimacing in disgust at the pool of blood soaking his feet. A siren’s cut-off tail flopped on the wood, splashing his face with blood and he closed his eyes, taking a long, deliberate breath. “Shit, dude. Justifiable crashout but man, watching a guy go on his real life villain arc is the scariest thing I've ever witnessed. And I've seen a cyclops smash a dude - not in a good way.”

“You could have helped us,” Eurylochus muttered.

“And you could have not opened the wind bag but here we are.”

“What?”

“What?”

“We’re keeping the siren tails,” Odysseus said and threw a screaming siren into the water. He ignored that her hissing sounded suspiciously like sobs.

“Fuck yeah, we can make sushi!” Danny jumped out of his hiding place and started helping them round up the siren tails. The flesh would go bad soon, so it would be best to stuff their stomachs now before food would get sparse again.

Odysseus laughed and wiped blood out of his eyes, earning another grimace from Danny. “You averted your gaze when I killed the sheep and the sirens but you would joyously feed upon them?”

“Listen, bro, that sheep was innocent! These guys? Tried to murder me. So, as far as I'm concerned, they're free real estate. Call me the IRS ‘cause of how free this estate is! Moral compass is off!”

“Your logic confounds me, Danny of Motta.”

“Just Danny Motta please. That just sounds wrong.”

“Will you stop calling me Dyssy?”

Danny of Motta squinted at him, lips pursed like thinking was actively hurting him. “Touché.”

Odysseus did not know what that meant.

-

“Eurylochus. Light up six torches.”

His second in command followed his order, holding out the first one towards Danny who immediately took a step back.

“Nope, nope, nope, nope, noooooope, nope-”

“Not him.”

Both Eurylochus and Danny sent him surprised looks when Odysseus stepped between them. Danny couldn't die but that only meant he would survive and spend his time chewed up and then digested in the stomach of a monster. At least his other men would die quickly.

“But, Captain-”

“Just, for once, follow my order, Eurylochus.”

Eurylochus took a deep breath. “Alright, Captain.”

“This is pretty fucked up,” Danny whispered towards him, shuffling closer when a splash sounded in the stillness of the black water. Neither of them took out their weapons. “I'll just… stay here. Enjoying your main character plot armor.”

“It's the only way,” Odysseus muttered. “Either that or the death of all my men.”

“Ah, yeah,” Danny said. “The whirlpool with teeth. Joy. Like, not that I'm against your active participation in the trolley problem, I just didn't realize you were aiming to kill Eurylochus.”

“You heard what he admitted to.”

“Yeah.” Danny tapped his foot in nervosity, looking at the men who were holding the torches. “You know, I was yelling at him in my reaction but somehow, this feels so wrong.”

“It's my hands stained in red,” Odysseus said. “You don't need to concern yourself with my sins.”

“Pal, to be frank, I think your sins are, like, the only reason I'm here.”

The ship tilted to the side when something tapped against it. The figure of a woman slowly crept up from the water, only illuminated by the low light of the torches. She looked straight at him, her empty eyes uncanny in how human-like and yet obviously unfamiliar they were. “Hello.”

“This is by far the creepiest shit I've ever experienced, please get me off this cursed ship! God! Hey, hey god, I've learned my lesson!”

Odysseus raised his hand to catch his men’s attention. “Row for your lives!”

-

When Odysseus came back to himself, it was to a blinding pain in his back and Danny of Motta tied to a tree right beside him. There was a gag in his mouth.

“Where are we?” Odysseus ground out, glaring at Eurylochus. “And why is he gagged?”

Danny let out muffled screams behind the gag, feet flailing in the grass.

“He kept screaming things nobody understood, things that filled our minds with emptiness as if he was putting a curse on us.” He gave Odysseus an empty smile. “Funny, isn’t it, how the only one still on your side is the insane man nobody knows from home. Not a single man who has known you from the start.”

“You don't know what you're doing!” Odysseus hissed. He looked behind Eurylochus, at the cows lazily grazing in the field. The statue of the sun god stood above them. No, he thought as panic and resignation filled him. “Please don't tell me you're about to do what I think you'll do.”

Danny’s struggles became even more erratic and Odysseus knew what would happen now would change everything.

“I'm just a man!”

-

“Hey- uh, Zeus! Quick question - what the fuck did any of that mean?! I wanted to become an english teacher but your entire speech about pride and… and fucking pride? - made me very happy I didn't subject any of my students to that. Is it me? Am I the problem? Am I the stupid idiot who doesn't understand an obvious metaphor?”

“Well, you see,” Perimedes said, “when Zeus mentioned pride as a damsel in distress and undressing her, he doesn’t mean it literally. It’s a metaphor for revealing and stripping our Captain’s true nature and-”

“You do NOT get to be a guy with a speaking role right now, buddy! What, you’re like the character in the war movies who talks about his family, letting you know he’s definitely gonna die, just to make his death sadder? Newsflash, bro, I won’t give a fuck when you'll die! Nuh-uh! Besides, you STABBED Dyssy! In the back! Like a coward! You don't get to english-teacher me right now! Or- or Greek-teacher me but that's less relevant ‘cause I didn't wanna be a Greek teacher!”

“Danny of Motta,” Odysseus pleaded, aware of Zeus’ eyebrows continuing to dip down the more Danny kept talking.

“The mortal man from another world.” Zeus bent down, his enormous form blocking out the entire sun as he examined Danny.

“Uhm- immortal, last time I checked.” Danny gave a nervous chuckle, stepping away from the god. “By the way, Zeus - can I call you Zeus? Zeussy. Zeus, the boss-man, my guy, my bro, my liege! You look fantastic today, are those lightning-eyelashes? Very tasteful, very beautiful!”

“Your god believes their spell is stronger than me, hmm?” A self-satisfied smirk grew on Zeus’ face and Danny quickly stepped behind Odysseus, having to crouch down to fully hide. Odysseus could hear him curse and quietly scream to himself and he wanted to sob. The god of gods was making him choose between himself and the crew, Danny of Motta knew the future, knew what he would choose, and he still saw him as a safe haven. Maybe Odysseus didn't have to choose to kill his entire crew. Maybe he was allowed to keep one man, just one single man. “Well, we shall put that to the test. Choose, king of Ithaca. You? Or your crew.”

“Captain?” Eurylochus whispered.

“I have to see her.”

“But we’ll die.”

“Should have thought about that before opening the wind bag!” Danny yelled but even his mood had been entirely dampened, his usual loud voice only a raspy exhale. “A guy doxxes his home address once and suddenly all shit breaks loose.”

“I know,” Odysseus said, looking straight at his second in command, his brother in law, his old friend. Behind them Zeus raised his lightning bolt with a sadistic grin. At once, all his men jumped forward, weapons raised, pointed straight at Odysseus.

Odysseus allowed himself one moment of weakness. He put a hand on Danny’s shoulder, squeezing lightly, and hoped to all gods who would still listen to him, that he hadn’t sentenced all of his men to death. Danny gave him a reassuring smile and put a hand on his forearm, squeezing back. Only the shaking of his lips revealed his fear.

The ship exploded. Darkness surrounded him as Odysseus sank into the waves.

-

When Odysseus emerged from the water, all his men were dead. Their corpses floated around him, and even though they had betrayed him, had committed treason against their king, he yearned to take their bodies back, to bury them in the soil of their home. He waited for the one man he knew to be immortal to rise up from the waves, to prattle on about inane topics Odysseus couldn’t ever follow, he waited for the one person he was sure he couldn’t have brought to death. He dunked his head underneath the waves, ignoring the sting in his eyes as he looked for a flailing body, imagined the man’s curses when he finally came up for air. With his last power he heaved himself onto a piece of wood and looked around as he waited, and waited, and waited.

The ocean was still and only he was left alive.

Six-hundred-and-one men, dead.

Odysseus closed his eyes.

-

“Hey, uh, so, weird question-”

Telemachus unsheathed his sword and warily watched the stranger who had just stepped into his path. “Who are you?”

“So this is gonna sound really strange, but I'm a friend of your dad’s?”

The man did look older than the monsters who had taken over their home. Which would make him either a liar or a deserter of the war. He was also soaking wet. Telemachus zeroed onto that. There hadn’t been any messages about a ship arriving, but what if-

“Has he come back?” he breathed, lowering his sword.

“Nah, sorry to burst your bubble. I was kinda with him just now, and then - ZAP! - my god, the bitch, sent me here. So, where exactly are we? Wait, stupid question, the fucking palace, right? Is this-” he gesticulated towards all of Telemachus “- like, pre-Athena or post-Athena?”

“What?”

“Wait, okay, so the entire Odyssey took, like, twenty years, right? Seven years on the island which would make you basically a fetus in the Legendary song. Like, not a baby-baby, but you know how teenagers are babies? Not in a condescending way, more in the way that sometimes someone roasts your entire existence in a reddit thread that originally wasn’t even about you but it doesn't even hurt because you know it was written by some ten year old with no parental control. Shit, kid, you’re tiny! You’re like, what, twelve?”

“I’m thirteen,” Telemachus said with a glare. His head was filled with a buzz at some things the stranger was saying, like he was casting a spell any time he opened his mouth. His story sounded strange, but Telemachus had heard of stranger things happening, by the will of the gods.

“Well, I was cursed to be an observer, unable to change the complicated threads of fate no matter how much I try, and I'm made to just watch people make the worst possible life choices, but I’m just some guy! Average, totally emotionally stable, non-threatening guy who’s definitely not trying to steal the throne - which, yes, is exactly something someone who wants to steal the throne would say. But trust me, I’m not, really!”

“You said you know my father.” Something in Telemachus wanted to trust this man, no matter how stupid that was. He didn’t look like one of his mother’s suitors, he was speaking with a strange accent and even stranger words, and… and he claimed to know his father.

“Yeah, we sailed a bit together. I wouldn't say he's a-okay, dude’s definitely got a water phobia now, but hey, we can’t all go through the horrors of war without coming out a little bit fucked. Not me though, I'm perfectly fine! Mentally thriving!”

“How- how do I know you’re telling the truth?”

The man unsheathed his sword and stabbed it right into his own stomach. Telemachus flinched, mouth gaping at the action, and then choked on his own spit when the man simply pulled it out like nothing had happened.

“Ohhhhh holy fucking shit, I’m so glad that worked, oh god, oh shit, oh-” He coughed, clearing his throat before standing up straight as if he hadn’t just almost had a mental breakdown right in front of Telemachus. “So, like, I know this is technically not hard proof but at least this shows that I’m not lying about the whole ‘cursed by god’ thing! Oh, okay, okay, hmm, how ‘bout this - your dad kept talking about your mom like she’s the coolest thing since sliced bread, like, would not shut up about her, full on simp mode, to the point I wish I was married to your mom - not that I want to, I swear to god, kid, I’m not here for the throne and I definitely am not looking to be a stepdad!! But yeah, he told me the story when they were teens. He wanted to meet up with her at night, all romantic-like, so he’s scaling the wall to her window like he’s a more athletic Romeo, but at the same time she was scaling the wall down to meet him like a… more athletic Juliet - listen kid, I’m running on fumes on my bits here - and somehow they crash into each other and boom - fall to the ground. He said she got a scar on her leg from that. You can't google that shit here, so… cursed teleportation traveler confirmed?”

It was a story nobody should know. His mother liked to tell him about the father he had never met, not only his accomplishments but also his dorky moments, when the mask of the king fell to reveal a goodhearted man.

His father was alive. His father was alive and here was a man who had been at his side until now. Telemachus almost vibrated out of his skin. He wanted to quiz the man until he got all the answers he wanted but kept himself back, the need to show hospitality nagging at him.

“Let me show you to the baths and offer you new clothes. Then, please, share everything you're able to!”

“Sure.” The man shook out his hair like a wet dog. “Whatever gets me out of these stupid rags. I've worn this outfit for so fucking long, it’s not even clothes anymore, it's a second skin. I think it's developing sentience as we speak.”

-

“Okay, so, like, genuine question,” the man, Danny of Motta, or how he preferred to be called, Danny Motta, started. “Why don’t you just call the police - or, well, guards - to get rid of the suitors? They've actively talked about hurting the Queen of Ithaca to the prince’s face! They've actively hurt the prince to the prince’s face!”

They were leaning against the queen’s door, guarding it against anybody stupid enough to break in, throats raw from questions and answers, after Telemachus had made Danny talk to the limits of his curse. It had mostly been the future he hadn’t been allowed to talk about, the past had been left open to discuss. And Danny Motta hadn’t spared a single detail in making his father sound like the most amazing man who had ever walked the earth. Telemachus had preened, somehow feeling a second-hand pride for the man he had looked up to his entire life.

“If we don't want Zeus to come down and kill us all we have to follow the laws of hospitality. We are not allowed to turn guests away, only if they break the rules of xenia.”

“Beating up the crown prince and threatening unspeakable things to the queen doesn’t break the rules of xena warrior princess or whatever?”

“Crown- what? I'm not the follower of the crown, the council of elders decides that and I don't have their political support.”

“Shit, man, that sucks.” Danny leaned his head against the wall. “Holy shit, I'm actually learning something. That's fucked up. Hey, god? You still ain’t shit, got it?!” He looked at Telemachus. “Hey, wanna know what it feels like to get shapeshifted into a pig?”

“Ohh, of course I do!”

-

“You guys are seriously picking on a child?!” Danny Motta glared at the suitors who had built a cheering and jeering ring around Antinous and Telemachus. “Wait, some of you also look like children! But you! You look like a grown-ass man, what the fuck’s wrong with you! You look- you look my fucking age, dude!”

“I’m twenty-eight…”

“That’s what I said! Old as fuck! Old enough to have knee problems and pay taxes!”

The suitor he was pointing at squinted at him. “And who are you supposed to be?!”

“I,” Danny enunciated, ignoring Telemachus’ gestures to keep quiet, “am a guest of the queen! Here from far away to look at the beautiful architecture! Did you know the Greek statues are actually painted?! I thought they made them white and marbly and shit, I didn’t know they painted those things!”

“He’s insane!” Telemachus called. “Just ignore him, I’m your enemy!”

Danny looked at him, then at the suitors. Slowly, a grin crept on his face. “On another thought, you know what? Have at him. He might just surprise you.”

“WHAT?!” Telemachus yelled, betrayal stinging at him. Danny raised a thumb, whatever that meant. He didn’t look smug though, only looking at him with a steady confidence. Telemachus took a deep breath. Alright. The friend of his dad believed in him. He could do it.

With a yell he threw himself at Antinous.

-

“That was impressive, kid, really showed them not to mess with you!”

Telemachus hissed when Danny rubbed blood off his cheek with a towel. Athena was hovering over them and was being resolutely ignored by Danny. She equally did not seem keen on talking to him.

“I got a really good hit in! Did you see me! I went POW BAM KAZOW!”

Danny tousled his hair with a laugh before freezing. “Shit,” he muttered. “Do I want kids? No. Nooo. No. No, wait. No. Huh.” He raised his middle fingers up at the ceiling. “Fuck you, god!”

Telemachus flinched. “You can't talk like that to them!”

“Watch me! Fuck you, god! I haven't learned shit, how ‘bout that? And you too, Athena, screw you!”

“To be insulted by a man who can't even lift a sword,” she muttered.

“Hey, back in my world I never had to lift a sword! Let’s see you build a computer or entertain an audience of millions, yeah? Not so condescending then!”

“You were at best a distraction for Odysseus’ enemies and at worst a distraction for him.”

“Well, at least I wouldn't have doxxed my address,” he said. He clapped a hand on Telemachus’ shoulder. “There you go, champ, not looking like a slasher movie anymore- oh fuck, did I seriously just say champ?! I don't want a kid! I'm too young! Shit, bro, fuck-”

-

Danny disappeared often, sometimes right in front of Telemachus, appearing about once a month looking the exact way he had when he had left.

“I’m skipping cutscenes,” he explained once. “Even my stupid god wouldn’t be cruel enough to leave me here for twenty entire years. Like, for me this entire thing has felt like at most three months even though years have probably passed since the first song. Look at you, man, all growing and stuff.”

Telemachus had grown a bit, his body strengthening also with the training Athena had put him under, and he grinned at the comment with pride.

“They grow up so fast,” Danny sniffed, wiping a fake tear from the corner of his eye. His smile became honest, a bittersweet edge to it. “You look like your dad.”

Telemachus looked out at the ocean that had taken his father and had yet to return him. “Do you- do you know if he's okay?”

“Ehh, physically he is. Nothing’s hurting him. He just can't leave at the moment - godly discussions and stuff.”

“He’ll return,” Telemachus nodded, fully confident. “I know it.”

“He will. And I do actually know it.”

-

Athena felt her eyebrow tick when the immortal man suddenly poofed into existence beside her, screaming in terror at the gods surrounding him. A mortal shouldn't be able to even lay eyes on this place, and yet here the man was, face not bleeding red and internal organs not turned into mush. A moment ago he and Telemachus had been sparring (or rather, Telemachus had taught him how to actually stab with a sword, something the man had been incredibly happy to learn), so she sent a quick reassurance towards her student that he was fine. The strange god from another world was just playing with their favorite mortal it seemed.

“Hey, uh, so, Athena, big, scary owl lady up there! Can ya do a guy a solid and like, put me somewhere where you guys’ crazy fight shit will not spear me clean through the head? I'll be honest, I'm not in the mood to experience a lobotomy right now!”

Rolling her eyes, she picked him up and placed him on the audience bench right beside Aeolus. “Do not move, do not open your mouth, do not distract me.”

“Relax, I know how this story goes. You guys are family in the end, aren’t ya?”

She paused, something heavy in her heart twitching like a dying bird desperately trying to take flight. “So it seems.” She turned around. “I would like to return you to Odysseus in one piece. He will be happy to see you.”

“What, like an apology gift? Like a cat bringing their owner a dead rat? Am I just a dead rat to you, Athena?” He looked at Aeolus. “Wait, aren’t you the one who gave Odysseus the wind bag and fucked everyone over astronomically? Why’d’cha do that, buddy, hm? As a prank? Shits and giggles? The fuck was all that?”

Athena picked him up and placed him somewhere else.

-

“Release him,” Apollo said.

“HEY! Hey Apollo! HEEEEEY! Hey, dude, quick question! So I’ve got this idea for an action musical, like- like a Naruto musical or something! ‘Cause, like, it would be super interesting to represent action with music, and like, since you’re the god of music, I thought, hey Ima just ask- Hmpf!”

With the snap of Athena’s finger, the immortal man was gagged.

“No, wait, let’s hear him out!” Apollo said and snapped the gag away.

“Anyway, what I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, it would be so rad if you could give me some tips on music, like-”

Athena strongly considered letting Hephaestus knock her out with his hammer.

-

Odysseus was tying the last rope onto his makeshift raft, cursing in a way he never had before meeting Danny of Motta, when a god appeared with a high-pitched laugh that made hope beat in him.

“Hermes?”

“Hello, old friend!”

Odysseus did a double take when he saw the man standing beside the god. “Danny of Motta?!”

“Just Danny Motta, seriously, man.”

“I thought- I thought you died!”

“Cursed by the gods, Dyssy, brought as an observer, they’ve got no reason to kill me. Turns out my god was stronger than Zeus, GET THAT, LOSER!” He looked Odysseus up and down. “Man, you look rough as hell, bro, really wanna meet your wife with that scruff, dude- OOF!”

Odysseus slung his arms around Danny of Motta and pulled him into a tight hug. Six-hundred-and-one men he had brought to war, six-hundred he had failed. But not this one. He hadn’t failed this one, hadn’t killed this one. Danny of Motta was still alive and by the gods, Odysseus would keep it that way. “I even missed that stupid nickname of yours.”

Danny slowly, gentle like he was soothing a hurt animal, raised his arms and wrapped them around Odysseus. He relaxed in Odysseus’ hold and Odysseus wondered - when was the last time either of them had been in the company of someone they had trusted?

“You look just like the day I thought I had gotten you killed.”

“Well, I think my god decided to be merciful for once and spare me the seven years of twiddling my thumbs. I speedran through it all!”

Odysseus slowly let go, grabbing Danny of Motta’s shoulders to look at him, to make sure he was okay. Not a single scar, not a single bruise, now much younger than Odysseus. Had he looked like that too once? So young, no death in his eyes, not yet rid of the optimism and love for the world? “You aren't angry at me for choosing myself over the crew?”

“Pshhh, those assholes had it coming. I mean, come on, can't stab a guy in the back and then still go ‘Captain, I took a shit, please wipe my ass!’ That Eurylochus even asked for mercy, man!”

“You're not mad I chose me over you?”

“Eh, I'd have done the same, I also have people to get home to.” Danny grinned. “Besides, I don't look so dead, do I?”

“It's truly great to see you alive, my friend.”

“Hah, wait ‘til I tell ya about where I got sent! Telemachus says hi by the way. Or like, he would probably say that if he knew where I was.”

Odysseus stumbled over his feet and landed in the sand. “I’m sorry WHAT?!”

-

“Hey Calypso!” Danny screamed at the island when they pushed off into the sea. “You're creepy and won’t get a man if you come on too strong! Also fuck you! … yeah, not my best work, that wasn’t even a bit, that was just an insult. Wait, I can do it better, give me one more try! Hey, Calypso! That's called coercion, you sick fuck - nope! Still just an insult. Wait, wait, I think I’ve got it, I think I've got it! Hey, Calypso-!”

-

“FIRST STOP! UNCHARTED WATERS! WHEN LOST LOOK T’WARDS THE SKY! FOLLOW THE NORTH STAR WHEREVER YOU ARE AND YOU KEEP ON GOING OR YOU KEEP ON ROWING!”

“I… do not think those lyrics make sense,” Hermes said.

Odysseus was the only one rowing this damn raft. The fucking god of travel apparently couldn't be bothered to help out, and Danny had quickly given up, citing his “noodle arms” and had from then on only sung this one single song.

“I'm a hundred percent sure those are the lyrics.”

“No- no, I don't think so, darling. You keep on going or you keep on rowing? Aren’t those contradictory?”

“No, but, you see, it’s because going is on land and if you're going you can’t keep rowing, right?”

“That does not sound right. How about something like ‘no matter how far you think you're going, you keep on rowing’?”

“Oh yeah, that does sound more accurate, my bad. On a completely unrelated side note, I’ve suddenly gotten a totally original idea about Dyssy’s journey from Troy back home that is totally and completely and utterly my own idea and not at all the brainchild of a beloved guy I can’t even hope to touch. So like, we start at the battle of Troy and we hear his voice go ‘Alright my brothers, listen closely, tonight we make the Trojans pay. Ten years of war, they killed us slowly, but now we’ll be the ones who slay!’”

“Huh,” Hermes said, “that’s actually not bad.”

“Why’d you expect something bad?! I’ll have you know, I’m a musical genius - even if I’m not stealing from specifically Jorge. I had a nice chat with Apollo, you know, and he liked my ideas! We vibed together! We jammed together! He thinks I’m good at improv!”

“Apollo would compliment anyone who shows even a little bit of passion in music, no matter their… talent in singing.”

“Hey!” Danny said. “I know that was an insult!”

“If you can talk, you can row!” Odysseus yelled.

“Uuuuh, I’d love to, I really would. But you see, I'm cursed into the role of a simple observer, CURSED, I'll tell ya.”

Odysseus threw the second oar at him and smirked in satisfaction at the yelp of pain it elicited when it hit him in the forehead. Danny stood up, cursing the entire time, balancing precariously on the raft, and started rowing on the other side..

“I liked you better pre-villain arc!”

And I've missed your inane prattling, Odysseus thought with fondness he had thought had long dried up. Huh. He wasn’t aware he still was capable of this kind of emotion.

Penelope and Telemachus were okay, even surrounded by enemies. Athena was on his side. His crew wasn’t all dead. With this hope in his chest, crossing Charybdis’ water would be child’s play.

-

“OH MY GOD, IT’S AN ACTUAL, GENUINE WHIRLPOOL WITH TEETH, WHAT THE FU-”

-

“Please let's never do that again,” Danny squeaked out. He was hugging the mast, both of them drenched as Odysseus held onto the wind bag like his life depended on it.

“As soon as I get home, I'll make sure to shower you in gold, enough so that you won’t ever have to set foot onto a boat, how does that sound?”

“Dyssy. My guy. Do you know, even a little bit, how painful that is to hear, knowing I'll have to go back to my unstable reaction-youtuber career in a failing economy?! You can’t just promise me unlimited money, man, I'll start considering staying here - fuck my family, girlfriend and friends, right?” He looked back from where they had come from. “On the other hand, going to a world without that monstrosity, without Poseidon, Zeus and those other bitches does sound heavenly! Hey, think I can bring some of that gold you promised back? Would do wonders for my pension fund, god knows what I’m gonna do once the youtube thing stops bringing in the cash.”

“You are going to leave?” Odysseus asked, finding himself disappointed at that. “Back to your place of Motta?”

“Yeah, sure. That.” Danny grabbed the oar and started rowing again. “For all it’s worth, I did have fun. You're a pretty rad guy.”

“Will I ever see you again?”

“You can ask my stupid god. Hell, maybe if I react to the Odyssey book, they’re gonna send me back again!”

“How far is your home? I could visit you?”

Danny gave him a lopsided grin. “Don’t think you can, dawg. My home ain’t a place anyone in this world can go to. Aw shit, ya think we could convince my god to bring you to my place for a moment? That would be so sick! Imagine, me just rolling up with real, actual Greek mythological figure Odysseus of Ithaca? Imagine, us at a con, and people keep complimenting you on your cosplay! Wait, the fuck am I talking about, I wouldn't fucking bring actual Odysseus of Ithaca to a con if he were in my world, I'm not that fucking lame! I’d like- I dunno, show you the internet? A submarine? A hot air balloon? Maybe not nukes, that might freak you out.”

“I could help you break your curse,” Odysseus offered.

“Eh,” Danny shrugged. “It's gonna break as soon as this chapter of your story is over.”

“Your curse depends on me?”

“My curse depends on me learning about this world. Your son taught me about Xenia, and ain’t that a bunch ‘a hogwash.”

His son. His son who he would soon get to see again. His son who this strange man had looked out for all these years when Odysseus hadn’t been able to. Truly, there was no amount of gold enough to repay what Danny of Motta had done for him.

“It's Zeus’ rules. He likes to dress up as a homeless beggar and punish those who don't host him.”

“God, what a fucking loser. I mean, really great to have laws to be nice to travelers, but what an asshole.”

They emerged from the cliffs surrounding his kingdom and Odysseus’ breath stopped. The home that had been taken from him for twenty years. His home he hadn’t laid eyes on for twenty years. His wife, his son.

“Penelope,” he whispered.

Danny wrapped his arms around the mast again and sighed. “God, this is gonna suck so hard.”

The raft stopped. And just like that, they were pulled back, away from Ithaca, away from his family, back into the cursed, wretched ocean, back, back, back-

“No!” he screamed, “NO!”

He tried to paddle back but the wave grabbed his oar, yanking it down into the abyss. He screamed, he cursed, not caring how deranged he must look.

“Dude, chill, relax, really! It's all gonna be fine! You just need to, you know, stab a god or something.”

Odysseus rounded on him. He grabbed him by the collar, pressing him against the mast. Danny raised his arms, not a hint of fear in his eyes and Odysseus wondered if it was because he couldn't be hurt or because he knew Odysseus wouldn't hurt him. “If you gave me hope, knowing I’d never get what I want, if you're here just to watch my misery-”

“I'm not! Listen, I'm not having fun here either, dude!”

“You knew this would happen-”

“I physically can't change jack shit, Dyssy! This is how the story goes, this is how it was always supposed to go! Like- at least this version, I still have no idea what happens in the actual Odyssey.”

Poseidon rose from the ocean and Odysseus was really done with this guy’s bullshit.

“No!” he screamed. “No, fuck off! Fuck you! You whiny little bitch, you’ve got no fucking right to still hold a grudge after everything you've done! Fuck that! ‘Ohhh you blinded my son, I gotta take revenge’, screw you! I stabbed one eye, you murdered most of my fucking crew and trapped me on an island for seven years and you’re still being a petty bitch! Do you know how long seven fucking years are for a human, you prideful piece of shit?! No! No, you let us the fuck go, I swear to the FUCKING GODS!”

Danny was gaping at him, mouth wide open. “Damn,” he whispered, “Did I do that? Did I… ruin a Greek mythological figure?”

Poseidon’s cruel gaze bore down on them. Spirals of water raised around them as a storm appeared. “I can't go letting you walk or else the world forgets I'm cold. Get in the water.”

“No fucking way, now you want me to do all the work of killing myself for you too?!” Odysseus screeched. “I'll kill you, I'll fucking kill you. Screw mercy, fuck all of that.”

Odysseus grabbed the wind bag, leaving behind a shell-shocked Danny.

-

“... you just stabbed a god.”

“Uh huh.” Odysseus rowed like Cerberus was after him. Danny was rowing too, looking like he forgot how to get his jaw unstuck.

“You just stabbed a god with his own trident.”

“Uh huh.”

“Like, I knew that would happen but… holy shit.”

“Uh huh.”

“And you did it while cursing like crazy. And insulting him. And his parents. Man, hope that doesn’t come to bite you back in the ass.”

“Uh huh.”

“Man… can't believe I'm saying this but I'm honestly looking forward to seeing you murder everyone. Like, I'm a staunch believer in the sanctity of life, I'm against the death penalty and all that, but man, seeing all the bullshit Telemachus has gone through from when he was a wee-lil’ thirteen year old…”

Odysseus slowly turned towards him and Danny gave him a nervous smile, eyes flickering all over his blood-soaked figure, golden against his dark attire. “What exactly did they all do?” he growled.

Danny gulped. “Oh, those poor, poor men.”

-

They were both cloaked when they walked into the palace. Odysseus felt his heart constrict, his hands shaking when his eyes fell upon Penelope high up on the balcony looking down at them. His strong, his amazing, his beautiful wife. Beside him the sound of an arrow hitting an axe rang through the room and a mutter of anger rolled through the men. Odysseus quietly walked through them, towards his old bow, as they began to drink, he strung his bow as their tongues loosened, he nocked an arrow as they planned what to do with his son and wife. Danny had gone to hide behind a pillar, safe from the carnage that would befall the palace.

Odysseus took a deep breath. He let go.

-

“Holy shit, holy fuck, oh my god, jesus christ, fucking shit-”

Danny was still holding both hands over his eyes when the battle ended, letting out sounds like he was about to throw up.

“Shall I bring you a bucket?” Telemachus offered, good-natured, as he saw the man. When Danny Motta had disappeared a week ago, Telemachus hadn’t expected him to reappear with his father.

“No, I think it's fine if I just leave my eyes close- OOF!”

Telemachus slung his arms around him and squeezed. “You brought him home!”

“Ehh, I think he brought himself home.” Danny waved towards Athena. “What about you, wanna get in and make it a group hug?”

“I think I'll pass.”

Telemachus sent her a pleading look. She joined the hug.

“Ughhh, finally!” Danny said. “The bullshit is all over, the family’s all reunited, Odysseus is smooching his love and all your problems are gone! Happy ending, yay! Can I go home now?”

Telemachus, who was pulling him into a room without corpses (a feast more difficult than one would think) froze. He had known this man for seven years, as sporadic as his visits were, but he felt like family as much as Athena did. “You'll leave?”

“Ehh, we all knew this wouldn’t go on forever.” Danny blinked his eyes open, sighing in relief when the room was bloodless. “I've got a life to go back to. A job. A family and friends and girlfriend. A world that's gonna feel so boring now that I've seen gods and monsters and like, an entire one-man army absolutely shredding through people which is definitely not gonna haunt me in my nightmares.”

“But-” Telemachus bit his lip, shuffling awkwardly on his feet. “You don't need to leave now, do you?”

“Ehhh, honestly, it all depends on what my god says.” He looked at Telemachus, at his disappointed frown. “... but I'm sure I can convince them to let me stay for a bit longer, right? Technically my learning journey ends with Dyssy and your mom reuniting, but like, there's still clean-up I can do, right?”

“You don't wanna clean up the corpses.”

“I so don't wanna clean up the corpses.”

“We could throw a feast?”

“God, please! I've been on a raft with Dyssy this past week, do you know what we ate?! Raw fish! We couldn't even cook it since we were on a wooden raft! Raw fucking fish, dude, do you know how disgusting it is to bite into straight up raw fish?! I miss sashimi, man, at least those people know how to prepare raw fish in a way to make it taste edible and they served it with soy sauce! Ohhh, can we have steak? Please tell me you guys have steak, Eurylochus killed that one cow and from then on I've been dreaming about steak, specifically from an immortal cow, but I know that's probably the limit of what I can expect you guys to serve me.”

“We’ll create the biggest, most amazing feast that’ll make you wish you never ate it ‘cause everything you’re gonna eat from then on will pale in comparison!”

Danny paused, looking at the door they had come from. “You know, now that I think of it, the animatics never showed it like that, but Dyssy really just waltzed up to his wife, covered in weeks of grime and salt, blood from a god and from dozens of men, some guts - and ewww, ew, ew, ew, I gotta unsee that, hell - and like… one eyeball. I know love’s strong and all that, but I don’t think my love would be that strong.”

Telemachus shrugged. “Ehh, she’s seen worse. Mom’s tough, you know?”

Danny stopped at the door before reconsidering. “Yeah, your mom’s tough, but I sure ain’t! You go clean up, dude, and I’ll stay here, resting, enjoying the nice view of ancient Greece without stumbling over a corpse!”

-

“I wanted to give you my thanks.”

Penelope smiled when the strange man, Danny of Motta, startled at her voice, almost falling off the balcony.

“Jesus, lady! Give a guy a warning, I almost died!”

She joined him to watch over her island, the moon reflecting in the water, the calm waves like even the ocean was giving them peace. “As far as I understood, you are unable to die.”

“Ehhh.” He made a hand motion, rotating his stretched out palm from side to side. “I mean, the story’s done now. Pack up and stuff. Don’t really know if my god’s gifts continue from here or if I’ll just break my neck and die immediately.”

“Well, then let’s better not risk it. The palace has been cleaned, if you wish to take a bath. Do wash off the grime before entering the communal bath.”

“Oh, thank god, I think if I saw another corpse, my mind might just shatter into a thousand pieces. Your husband’s mental, lady. Dude’s out there stabbing gods and killing people and I break my back when I stretch a bit too hard.” He raised his brows. “Whatcha doing here anyway? Shouldn’t you be with him, and, ya know, get it on after not seeing each other for so long? Honestly, I expected not seeing you guys for the next week and making a wide berth around y’alls room, ‘cause real talk? I do not need to know what either of you guys sound like fucking.”

She gave him a dry look and he coughed, presumably realizing he was talking to a stranger. She had heard a lot about him from her son but hadn’t ever met him despite his frequent visits, and he must have heard a lot about her from her husband. He didn’t feel much like a stranger, however she really did not want to discuss these subjects with a man whose face she hadn’t ever seen until now.

“You’ve taken care of my son and my husband.”

“Eh, I’ve literally just been standing there giving unneeded commentary. My hands have been tied on this entire thing. You know how hard it is to watch people jump into their own deaths, knowing you could have prevented it if it wasn’t for some stupid god?”

“And despite your god-given limitations, you’ve done more than you realize.” She leaned her elbows on the railing, giving him a wan smile. “If I understood the position you’re in correctly, as an observer, that meant my husband lost all of his crew, each and every one of them. My son grew up in the midst of nobody he could trust besides his mother and the goddess who abandoned his father. Both of us would have spent the time not knowing if he was still alive or not.”

“In the actual story both of you were confident in him. You still waited for his return. Seriously, I didn’t do shit. Listen, I’m the first one who’d toot my own horn but I’m also not one for taking unwarranted credit. My ego would grow to unfathomable levels and believe me, nobody wants that.”

“Well, regardless of what you believe, you have my thanks.” She turned around to leave, giving him a last smile. “I shall return to bed now. Make sure to give a wide berth around our room if you wander around.”

He gave her a grimace of long-suffering as she left the room, chuckling to herself.

-

It was after they had thrown a big banquet, welcoming home the king of Ithaca, after they had dealt with the council of Elders, after Odysseus had informed the families of his men of their fates, that Danny of Motta told them his god had called him back home. They had known it would happen, Danny now mostly free to talk without restraints (though most of his words were still as incomprehensible as ever), and Odysseus had tried to emotionally prepare himself to lose the one man that had stayed by his side, the only man he hadn’t gotten killed, even if it took the effort of an entire god to keep it that way.

“I’d love to visit that world you talked about,” Odysseus said as they stood inside the throne room, only him, Danny, Penelope, Telemachus and Athena. He had pressed a bag of gold into Danny’s hands despite his insistence it would probably not translate back into his world.

“Me too!” Telemachus yelled. “I really want to see that jester job you said you had!”

“Ehhh, I don’t think I want to lose all your respect, maybe I’ll keep that one hidden. And you know, I’ll actually annoy my god so hard, they’ll let you visit.” Danny was smiling at them, strained like he was torn. A one in a lifetime experience versus the desire to see your family again. Odysseus couldn’t really relate, but then again, his journey hadn’t exactly been fun. “But if they don’t let me… guess this is goodbye?”

Odysseus pulled him into a tight hug, and Danny hugged him back equally as hard, fingers coming up to grip at his shirt as he took a trembling breath. Danny loosened his grip slightly but didn’t let go, instead holding out an arm towards Telemachus. “Come on, buddy, get in here! You too, ladies, as much as I still wanna beef with you, Athena!”

Telemachus crashed into them and Penelope folded her arms gently over them. Athena rolled her eyes but joined in, putting one hand on Odysseus’ and the other on Danny’s shoulder.

“Ahhh, shit, you guys actually made me shed a tear,” Danny choked out when they let go. He blinked up at the ceiling, taking a deep breath to keep it in. “Shit, man, quick, be mean so that I won’t beg my god to stay here!”

Odysseus briefly pressed their foreheads together before stepping back.

“Goodbye, Danny Motta. And thank you.”

“Oh my god, you did it! You used my actual name!”

“Will you do me the same courtesy?”

“Aww, you don't like Dyssy?”

“It is an abysmal name and you know it.”

Danny grinned, wide and joyful. “Odysseus. It was fun. Can't believe how much I actually enjoyed this and thank god I never reacted to Re:Zero. You know what, I think I’ll just put the album on blast when I get home. Skipping some less fortunate songs of course. And what I will definitely not do is google what happened to you guys in the actual Odyssey, cause the way I know those fucking greek myths go, everyone suffers and then dies. Hah, no sir, my favorites get a happy ending and stay alive.” He gave them a last salute. “I hope to see you guys again!”

Danny Motta disappeared out of sight in the blink of an eye. The bag of gold dropped to the floor.