Chapter Text
I need to be touched.
The thought popped into your head. Not the first time that thought has gone through your mind.
You’ve tried poking your family members in the gardening room. Sometimes they’d have a reaction, but lately with each loop it feels like they barely register what you’re doing.
So you have a bit of a dilemma.
You want to be touched. But you don’t want to have to ask for it. But you also would never want to touch one of your family members without consent.
More of a trilemma, really.
The Favor Tree pops into your head at the thought of a tree-lemma.
You know someone who could help. The one who always helps. They probably know you’re thinking about this right now, anyway.
~~~
After doing your spiel with Isa, you wander up to the tree and sit on the root opposite Loop.
“Morning, stardust!”
“Morning, Loop.”
You sit there awkwardly.
(...)
Can Loop actually read all my thoughts?
“If I’m paying attention, yes. But I don’t usually have a reason to unless you’re right here and I’m curious.”
Siffrin’s expression turned upset. “My thoughts are private.”
Loop didn’t reply to that, but had an odd, knowing expression on their face.
“Anyway, stardust,” Loop started. “How can I help you on this wonderful new loop?”
You want to talk to Loop about something.
“Fire away,” they said with a smile. Well, not a smile, They can’t do that. But they said it as if they were smiling. Their crescent eyes crinkled.
“I…”
Loop raised an eyebrow.
“I.”
“...”
“I… I-”
“You’re starting to sound like your fighter at the end of each loop, stardust. Just spit it out.”
“I…” You steel yourself. “I want to be touched.”
You think that might be the hardest thing you’ve ever had to admit, let alone confess out loud to someone.
Loop stared at you. “I know that.”
Your face fell again. Of course they know that.
“And what do you want me to do about that, stardust? I’m not very cuddly, you know.”
Oh crab. Out of ideas, then.
“Wait. Were you really coming to me to cure your eternal touch starvation?”
You nod, barely noticeable.
“Stardust, I-” they cut themself off. “You should ask one of your family members about that. Or all of them, really. They’d be better at it than me.”
“But-” You sigh and look down. Loop is so easy to talk to. You worry if you’ve become overly reliant on them.
“I’m always here if you need, of course, but…” Loop averts the gaze of your eye. “Go talk to your family. If they refuse to help you, in some reality, then come back to me. But only as a last resort.”
You sigh. “Alright.”
“Good luck, stardust!” They call out as you exit the shade of the tree. “Let me know how it goes!”
~~~
This shouldn’t be that difficult, Siffrin, you tell yourself. Just ask him. Just ask for a hug. Not even a hug! A brush of fingers. A touch of shoulders. Something, anything, please-
“Uh, Sif?” Isabeau called gently. “You alright?”
You blink. “I’m fine. Just lost in thought.”
You and Isa are laying in the field under the stars. You’ve been through this with him before, but you’re not upset about experiencing it again.
(...)
You’ve grown to hate this field. Despite its lush, comfortable grass being the perfect bed for an afternoon nap, the association you’ve developed with it fills you with dread.
“What are you thinking about?” Isabeau asks. “I-I mean, only if you want to tell me. You don’t have to,” he chuckles nervously.
“I-” you freeze up again, just like you did this morning with Loop.
“You…”
“I-” Just get it out, just spit it out, Siffrin.
You bite your lip.
“C’mon, I can keep a secret,” Isabeau says joyfully. “Whatever’s going on with you, I’d love to help."
You take a deep breath.
“I want to be touched.”
Isabeau’s eyes widened. “But… I thought you hated being touched.”
“I don’t,” you say. “Well, at least I don’t think I do. I’m just not used to it.”
“I see…” Isabeau mutters. “So… you want me to- to touch you?”
“Ah- maybe? I mean, only if you want, to please don’t think that you have to-”
I’m disgusting. I’m manipulating Isa again. I’m forcing him to touch me even though he doesn’t want to I’m disgusting why would I ever ask for this I’m so stupid I should have never asked-
“I’d love to,” Isabeau responds softly.
Oh.
“So, um-” Isabeau starts. “Do you want me to touch you now, or, like, later-”
“Now is fine,” You say a little too eagerly.
“Okay, and, um, where do you want me to touch you?”
You pull off a glove. Your nails have grown back nicely ever since you finally stopped yourself from biting them short.
You carefully reach your hand over to where Isabeau’s lies on the grass.
You inch your finger closer to his.
“Here?” He asks.
You nod.
“Okay. Baby steps, you know?” He chuckles.
Your fingertips touch. You can barely feel it, really, but at the same time the feeling is overwhelming. Like a jolt of electricity and warmth connecting you to him.
You lie like that for a minute. It’s nice. Not feeling alone, for once. Even though Isa won’t remember this in the next loop.
“Would you mind if I… touched a bit more?”
Isabeau shook his head. Your face contorts into panic. You did it again, Siffrin, you touched him when he didn’t want to, you’re disgusting, you should never ask for something like this again-
“Wait, no- I mean, when I shook my head, I meant that I didn’t mind, not that I was saying no. I, um- want to touch you more, too,” he says nervously.
You breathe in, and out. You extend the rest of your fingers and lay them gently over the top of Isabeau’s hand. His hand is bigger than yours, so you can’t fully cover it, but the touch is all that matters.
This time, the electric jolt makes you feel like you’re short-circuiting. A warm, buzzing feeling traveling through you. It’s weird, but nice.
“Is this good?”
You nod.
You lie there for awhile.
You know Isa won’t remember this if you loop back to Dormont. If you talk to the Head Housemaiden. You know it doesn’t really matter.
But still. Baby steps.
~~~
You were right. It didn’t matter.
You got to learn a bit more about the King this next trip through the House, but it was all over when you talked to her. You can still taste the burnt sugar in the back of your throat.
(...)
You should talk to Loop.
~~~
Loop is admiring the thick roots sprouting from the ground beneath them when you arrive at the Favor Tree. They look up at you as you approach them.
“Do you ever get bored?” You say before they can greet you.
Loop is caught off guard by your sudden question. “Ah- sometimes? If I ever get too bored, I just start watching your thoughts. I love the way you script your puns in advance.”
The word love sounds strange coming out of Loop’s mouth. Well, not mouth. It’s more like their voice just… emanates around you.
“What, you think it’s strange that I can feel love, stardust?”
Wait. “N-No, that’s not what I meant-” Shit- I mean, crab. What if they can’t feel romantic attraction and now I’ve just invalidated their identity oh I’m so terrible I can’t believe I thought that I know what that’s like why would I ever-
“I feel love,” says Loop. “For you and your family members. And for Vaugarde. And the Universe."
What? “You love me? And my family members?”
“Of course I do, stardust,” Loop chuckles. “I am helping you, after all.”
You guess that makes sense.
“Anyway,” Loop starts. “How did the touching session with your fighter go?”
You remember.
“It was- alright.”
“Alright? Alright as in, he called you disgusting and said he would never get near you again, or alright as in it went perfectly fine and well and your touch starvation is cured?”
“The- the latter. Well, not really. We touched, but only a little.”
“I see.” Loop looks at you. You suddenly notice their eyes are different shades. “And I’m sure you’ve come to terms with the fact that your fighter won’t remember that little moment you shared in new loops.”
You look down. You nod.
“Well… You can always recreate that moment again if you’d like.”
You nod again, but you know it won’t be the same. He’ll just forget again, so what’s the point.
You hear Loop sigh.
“Okay, stardust, I wasn’t planning on offering this, but you seem like you need the help, so…”
Loop takes a deep breath, and spreads their arms out wide.
Oh.
They’re offering you a hug. You think.
“Are you offering me a hug?”
“Yes, just please come closer before I change my mind.”
You blink. You look back up to Loop’s eyes, then out at their arms.
You stand up from your spot and carefully approach Loop.
You hear a quiet, buzzing sound coming from their head. Like a lightbulb next to your ear.
Taking a deep breath, you embrace Loop.
Oh. That feels wonderful. You wonder why you’ve never tried this before. You remember that you were scared.
(...)
You’re still scared now. But this time, it feels nice.
Loop wraps their arms around you gently. Giving you space to escape if you need, but not feeling too far away.
You rest your weary head on their shoulder. Their starry head feels warm and fuzzy as you gently brush up against it. You take a deep breath, in, and out.
(...)
You could get used to this.
You hold Loop tighter. You don’t want to lose this.
“I’m right here, stardust,” they whisper into you. “I’m not going anywhere.”
Not cuddly, my ass, you think.
You feel a pressure behind your eye. You begin to well up with tears.
Loop strokes your hair softly under your hat. They’re so gentle with you, it hurts, it aches.
Loop smells sweet. Like sugar, like time, but it’s nowhere near sickening or burnt. You’re right where you need to be.
You stay there for awhile.