Work Text:
The Smuppet Show: Season 4, Episode 13 - Dirk Strider and Jake English
Written by
"Roxy Lalonde"
Based on Ardently by Rose Lalonde
TEASER
FADE IN:
INT. Backstage of a theatre.
There are no indications in this shot that it is backstage, but be assured that it is. There’s a set piece in the background that’s reminiscent of the balcony from Romeo & Juliet, not because that has any bearing on the story, just because it’s backstage and what the hell kind of backstage would it be if there wasn’t one? That is to say, it could hardly be considered a terribly proper backstage at all.
Meet BARBIE DIRK and BARBIE JAKE. Two handsome dudes, and who can blame the camera for keeping cosy? Or maybe that’s because the director doesn’t want to expose the fact that it’s backstage yet. We’re all held in mystery, completely unaware that their surrounds are contrived in one sense (they are in a theatre), but genuine in another (they are not on stage). DIRK and JAKE tend to spend a lot of their time in circumstances that are simultaneously and contradictingly contrived and genuine.
DIRK:
We’ve done shows together before.
JAKE:
Some might even say too many shows!
But thats ridiculous.
You could never have too many shows.
DIRK:
And we’re friends now.
JAKE:
Correctomundo.
DIRK:
So, just because this is a romance, which was all Dave and Roxy’s choice by the way, that doesn’t mean it has to be weird.
JAKE:
Perish the thought!
DIRK:
Okay good, good to establish that.
Some generic orchestra tuning sounds start up in the background. JAKE starts to move, presumably towards the stage, but DIRK holds him back.
JAKE:
Shouldnt we scurry our tails along to our places?
DIRK:
Yeah, in a second.
We don’t talk anymore.
And I get why; we’re fuckin’ messy and I really fucked up. Several times.
But we’re bros. We can talk.
JAKE:
I dont know about that.
We talk all the time.
DIRK:
Jake, come on.
JAKE:
I would but theyre literally seconds away from lifting the friggin curtain dude.
Its going to be both our biscuits on the burner if we dont get in place!
DIRK:
Yeah.
They stare at each other. Or rather, DIRK stares at JAKE. JAKE stares at the wall behind DIRK. In fairness, it’s not easy to aim dolls’ gazes.
MUPPET KARKAT rushes onto the scene -- picture a grey Oscar the Grouch with candy corn horns when conjuring this mental image. The camera’s view widens, revealing the backstage area, which is absolutely filthy with Muppets getting ready to start the show. MUPPET DAVE (looking like a cross between Kermit and a Nakodile, shit’s adorable) moves from his very cool pose sitting at Kermit’s little desk thing and walks casually towards the stage.
KARKAT:
15 SECONDS TO CURTAIN, ASSHOLES.
It is not Karkat’s job to announce this. He just likes to stick his horns in where they’re not especially needed or appreciated.
The assorted Muppets run around until the backstage area is clear. DIRK and JAKE watch from the wings. The astute viewer might notice that they didn’t really have anywhere to be that would have prevented JAKE from saying one fuckin’ sentence worth of reassurance, but maybe the 30 seconds before the ritual massacre of an iconic, puppet-centric, musical entertainment show is not the time or place for such a discussion.
END TEASER
OPENING
SOUND CUE: Drumroll.
INT. The Muppet Smuppet Show stage, curtains open to show the logo backdrop.
MUPPET DAVE sticks his head through the O in “The Smuppet Show”.
DAVE:
its the smuppet show
with our very special guest stars
mr dirk strider and mr jake english
TRACK 1: The Muppet Smuppet Show opening theme song.
Imagine The Muppet Show’s opening. Now imagine it as if it’s being puppeted by one professional and two dubiously dubbed “helpers”. The Muppets in question look similar to the classic ones, but they’ve all been enhanced to look like characters from the controversial web-comic Homestuck. You’re sure they’ll flop their way into your heart in due course.
CHORUS:
It's time to play the music
It's time to light the lights
It's time to meet the Smuppets
on the Smuppet Show tonight
It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right
It's time to raise the curtain
on the Smuppet Show tonight
CUT TO:
INT. The balcony, where two “helpers” reside. Agreeing to their roles as hecklers was integral to procuring their services; a frankly ridiculous compromise given the options for other recreation available, which is to say, there are fuck all other options for recreation available. BARBIE TEREZI and BARBIE ROSEBOT, as may be expected from those names, are not Muppets.
TEREZI:
WHY DO W3 4LW4YS COM3 H3R3
ROSEBOT:
I guess we'll never know
BOTH:
It's like a kind of torture
To have to watch the show
CUT TO:
INT. Back to the stage.
CHORUS:
But now let's get things started
Why don't you get things started
It's time to get things started
On the most sensational, inspirational,
celebrational, Smuppetational
This is what we call the Smuppet Show
MUPPET ROXY, the gofer of this show, appears in the O and waves. By all rights, ROXY should look like Scooter, or maybe Gonzo, but you try and incorporate those aesthetics into whatever it is ROXY has going on at any given moment, and you’ll agree with me that a pink cat furry was the only logical step. Whatever. ROXY presses a plunger and explodes into a shower of glittery pink sparkles.
CUT TO:
INT. Smuppet Show stage, curtains closed.
MUPPET DAVE walks on in that bouncy Kermit way.
DAVE:
hello and welcome to the smuppet show
weve got a great show for you today
lets not dance around this im just gonna hit you with the elevator pitch
i mean lets assume the elevators a slow one
theres like a million floors and the elevator is badly due for a service
the wires are kind of creaking like a seat yo momma just sat in
youre pressing the button over and over but im still there yappin it up over this idea ive had for a tv show and you cant exactly put your hands over your ears
okay sure youre trying that now but my voice goes deep baby
some subterranean shit
deep like the fossil of a dope dinosaur that was just minding his business one day until BAM heart disease took him out
he was grabbin his chest like “oh god i forgot to take out life insurance” and then he toppled ass backwards into a tar pit
and now hes ripe for the digging up and brushing off but we had to get deep to get there
deep like my VOICE
...
so heres the pitch
two of earth cs most popular gods slash actors star in a muppet show rip-off where the gimmick is a jane austen rip-off and the jane austen shit was written by rose lalonde and then edited by roxy lalonde and everyones fuckin muppets
i mean
everyone is muppets to a fuckin delinquent degree
no one is fucking muppets here
no muppets were fucked in the making of this show
anyway
we got guests yo
you know them from such shows as:
from skaia with love
fly little pony: fight club is magic
and rumble in da pumpkin patch
beloved audience i give you
dirk strider and jake english
DAVE writhes around in that way Kermit does to represent excitement and applause, with none of the vocalisations. He exits stage right and the curtains are drawn back.
SCENE ONE
EXT. A walking path that winds through a large estate. There is a mansion in the background, but far enough away that it kind of makes sense that it has the blurred quality of a stock photo printed out and pasted on a cardboard box. With care. As funny as it would be if this production looked like it was produced for a middle school diorama project, I don’t do things halfway. DIRK and JAKE stand together, leaving a respectable distance between them. Maybe a respectable and a half distance. They’re wearing Regency appropriate clothes and an air of supreme awkwardness.
JAKE:
Do you like the grounds?
DIRK:
They’re beautiful. You’re... You walk here often?
JAKE:
Yeah.
Do you--
DIRK:
Is it--
JAKE:
Sorry!
DIRK:
Sorry. You go.
JAKE:
Do you think youll stay in --shire long?
DIRK:
I—- Maybe. It’s... yeah, it’s beautiful.
JAKE:
Id like it if you did.
I mean--
Its good to see the manor let out! Its been empty for ages.
DIRK:
I hope that my filling it makes up for my society.
JAKE:
Mr Strider...
I quite like your society.
DIRK looks at JAKE with tormented, plastic eyes. His expression is as motionless as it is handsome. This, to those who understand DIRK STRIDER, is what he looks like when he has something to say.
DIRK:
I know that it is only in the last week that I have made your acquaintance and I know that it would be the height of foolishness for me to express any feelings so early on, but I feel like I’ve known you for years.
I feel that your soul and mine are irrevocably entwined.
With this in mind, it would be MORE foolish, and perhaps even unethical, if I was to attempt to conceal the degree to which I already love you.
I do not expect you to return these feelings, but it would be dishonest of me to proceed into a friendship with you without disclosing them.
JAKE:
Um...
JAKE looks nervously offstage. There’s awkward silence for a beat.
MUPPET DAVE walks onto the stage.
DAVE:
CUT
JAKE:
Im by no means an expert but this seems like a divergence from theatre protocol!
Actually i AM an expert ive directed many ridiculous shows.
Dave you cant just yell cut willy nilly in a LIVE SHOW just because i couldnt pull a suitable response from twixt my luscious lad lumps.
The audience deserves a little fucking respect.
CUT TO:
INT. The balcony.
ROSEBOT:
The audience deserves an anvil to the head to put them out of their misery.
TEREZI:
1LL GO F3TCH ON3
ROSEBOT:
Only one?
TEREZI:
TH4TS 4LL W3LL N33D W1TH TH1S TURNOUT
BOTH:
[Mutual cackling.]
CUT TO:
INT. The stage.
DAVE does not remotely react to JAKE’s condemnation. The only indication he gives that he even hears it is that he doesn’t talk while JAKE is speaking.
DAVE:
dirk you were doing it again
DIRK:
I don’t know what you’re talking about.
DAVE:
dont play dumb
DIRK:
I never would.
DAVE:
this isnt roses book were filming its roxys adaptation
DIRK:
I have my script memorised.
DAVE:
i didnt ASK you if you remembered your lines
i TOLD you that youre saying the wrong words
apart from anything else youre throwing jake off
DIRK looks at JAKE. JAKE smiles sunnily. This could be in agreement with DAVE, asking for a bit more leeway; it could be a display of willingness to follow DIRK’s lead; or it could just be because he doesn’t know what else to do. DIRK looks back at DAVE.
DIRK:
Roxy’s version isn’t exactly period appropriate.
MUPPET ROXY peeks out from the side of the stage.
ROXY:
its not supposed to be!
i thought u liked when i got all absurd with it
DIRK:
I do.
It’s just a serious scene.
DAVE:
were doing roxys version we agreed
i WILL recast if i have to
DIRK:
You will.
DAVE:
yeah and then youll have to watch john deliver the most wooden performance in the history of theatre and well all hate it
DIRK:
I can do Roxy’s version.
DAVE:
i know you can
tell me you WILL
DIRK:
I WILL do Roxy’s version.
DAVE:
alright well this scene is officially dead
time to drag its fetid corpse offstage and move on so we can make an attempt at not running over
JAKE:
I object to that!
Wheres the context dave?
Wheres the DRAMA?
The next scenes wont make a lick of sense if you skip this one.
Let dirk tell me he loves me like a douchebag.
DIRK:
Yeah, who wouldn’t want to see that?
I promise it’ll be believable.
DAVE:
FINE
from “i quite like your society”
Everyone gets their shit together. The stage clears and DIRK and JAKE resume their awkward positions.
JAKE:
I quite like your society.
DIRK:
Cool. Really cool, actually.
...
Dude, I know it’s soon, I get that.
But I’m just mad in love with you already.
I feel like I’ve known you forever. Like maybe we’ve done this before, in other lives.
I just don’t want to pretend like I feel nothing, you dig?
Playin’ it cool when I feel like this would be really lame of me.
JAKE:
Youre coming on a scooch too strong man.
I feel some kind of connection too but give a guy five fucking minutes to wrap his noggin around it!
Just...
Let me go at my own pace.
DIRK:
Yeah.
Yeah, of course, man.
It’d be straight up unreasonable of me to deny you that.
DAVE moves downstage as the curtains close so that he can address the audience.
DAVE:
thanks folks what a scene
those two really are on the same page
nothing could possibly go wrong am i right
this next scene is equally as awesome obviously
put your hands together for count kanaya
SCENE TWO
Behind the curtains, MUPPET KARKAT enters, pushing some piece of scenery onto the stage for KANAYA’S act. He pauses to shriek at DIRK and JAKE. That’s kind of his thing.
KARKAT:
GET INTO YOUR PLACES, YOU DICK-SCRATCHING D-LISTERS.
I SWEAR TO GOD, HOW DIFFICULT IS IT TO CLEAR A FUCKING STAGE.
I SHOULDN’T HAVE TO SAY THIS EVERY GODDAMN TIME.
DIRK and JAKE move off stage in one direction, KARKAT in the other. DIRK pulls in a breath like he’s about to speak, but JAKE shakes his head and points at where MUPPET KANAYA is gracefully slaughtering some Muppet chickens. Sorry, Camilla.
TRACK 2: Mahna mahna
KANAYA is forcing the chickens to tap dance and sing the “doo doo doo-doo-doo” part. Her own delivery of “mahna mahna” is very different to the original. She always sounds like she has a stick up her ass, and that’s a truly impartial judgement. As she walks behind them, she lunges at their necks and prompts a comedic spurt of blood to pour out of them, making the chicken collapse with a final squawk of alarm.
The camera pans to the balcony where ROSEBOT and TEREZI sit.
ROSEBOT:
You know what they say about vampires in show business.
TEREZI:
TH3Y SUCK!
BOTH:
[Mutual cackling.]
KANAYA leads a line of now vampiric chickens off-stage, where DAVE is at his prompt book. She stops right next to him and counts (Ah Ah Ah) each chicken as it passes.
DAVE:
thanks kanaya you were great
KANAYA:
I Know
SCENE THREE
CUT TO:
INT. Set dressed like the interior of a mansion, set up for a ball. Muppets dance in the background, like the classic recurring sketch that sometimes occurs on the less-acclaimed antique, The Muppet Show.
A couple of musicians play in the corner -- this includes MUPPET JOHN (i.e. Fozzie Bear but with a JOHN-ish twist) at a piano. I know, I know. No one is forgetting Rolf. Trust me, JOHN is Fozzie. And it’s actually canon that Fozzie can play the piano. As soon as the camera leaves the band, JOHN and ROXY appear among the waltzing Muppets. The continuity on this show leaves something to be desired, but it’s chill.
KARKAT:
WHY SHOULD YOU NEVER DANCE WITH HORSES?
DAVE:
because they have two left feet
MUPPET JADE waltzes past with a horse. They both give DAVE and KARKAT dirty looks.
JADE:
ignore them baby
HORSE:
Honeighstly, I canter believe it.
The camera pans to where JOHN and ROXY are dancing.
JOHN:
did you hear about the chocolate record player?
ROXY:
sounds p sweet
DIRK and JAKE are stage-left, talking and observing. Not dancing.
DIRK:
Mr English, I get that you’re mad put out about this whole thing.
But it’s all just a misunderstanding.
I’m not here to pressure you.
We can be friends while you fall in love with me, right?
JAKE:
Friends generally care even a little bit about each others personality.
I can appreciate that you have a fondness for my keister but im more than that.
DIRK:
Damn. Sounds like SOMEONE just got back from Mansfield Snark.
JAKE:
Look i know the way this story goes.
And i have to resist you right now.
DIRK:
I know the way the story goes, too.
And I say fuck it.
Yeah, we could follow some satisfying arc where we earn our happily ever after by first miscommunicating and then growing as people individually. But that means I have to pine after you for even more screen time while we both do that and I don’t want to.
I already did that shit before the story began and the goddamn script is going to make me do it again.
I want to be with you NOW.
We COULD be together now.
We both know that’s the way the story is going.
JAKE:
Thats where i THINK the story is going but actually how is that?
Who put this plot in my head?
DIRK:
Does it matter? You know it IS a story. We both know. Isn’t that enough?
JAKE:
No its not!
Heres the thing mr strider. Youre so in love with the idea of me that you want to skip over the part where you learn to see me as a person.
I can understand that because to be honest im not MUCH of a person.
Im a silly gentleman who has certain turns of phrases and thats it thats all i am.
But maybe i dont want to learn how to improve myself or fall in love with you like how i think the story is supposed to go.
DIRK:
Woah there, cowboy.
JAKE:
No i think you were on to something!
Fuck the story!
Im going to CHOOSE my path!
DIRK:
What kind of path could a himbo like you possibly choose?
JAKE:
MAGIC!
DIRK stares at JAKE, severely unimpressed.
DIRK:
Look, there are rules to these things. The story has to progress how it was written.
I was suggesting a minor alteration, that we just humour the bullshit rich people contrivance and let that carry the plot, but be in love now on the D-L.
You’re talking about changing the motherfucking genre.
JAKE:
Im supposed to refuse this dance anyway.
Why dont you go sulk over there mr strider.
Ill see you in the next scene that throws us together.
DIRK stays for one more moment, feeling contempt for a love-interest who refuses to be interested. Then he stalks away and approaches JOHN.
DIRK:
May I have this dance?
JOHN looks at ROXY, who he was dancing with. ROXY gallantly backs off, in order to allow DIRK the opportunity to revenge-dance with a close relation of his ex-lover.
JOHN:
uhhh. sure.
DIRK and JOHN start dancing. DIRK stares at JAKE over JOHN’S short, Muppety head.
JOHN:
why don’t eggs tell jokes?
DIRK:
Yeah, we’re not doing that.
JAKE, pleased with his innovative, inspired and lowkey incoherent plan, looks straight out over the audience, smiling inanely and tapping his feet to the song.
FADE OUT.
SCENE FOUR
FADE IN:
INT. On stage, MUPPET DAVE and BARBIE DIRK are in front of closed curtains.
DAVE:
so as you know this is an established show and weve had many guests
among them have been such highlights as new john cusack and i cant believe its not matthew mcconaughey
but literally fuck those guys
(and you know i have)
because one of the guests tonight is the only person who has ever mattered and who will ever matter to me
mr dirk strider thank you for being here tonight
DIRK:
You’re welcome.
You’re coming on a bit intense, bro.
DAVE:
its a strider thing
but seriously
there have been some rocky moments in our history
but the one thing i can rely on is this guy right here
hes done some shit but who hasnt?
DIRK:
I have done nothing wrong, ever, in my life.
DAVE:
i know this and i love you
anyway heres this fucking song i guess
TRACK TWO: Together Again
The Striders have a lot in common. Aforementioned intensity, sweet shades, and mad skills of the disc jockey persuasion. Every now and then we scratch about it, and this evening you’re being treated to some premo spinage.
DIRK:
Together again
It's good to be together again
I just can't imagine that you've ever been gone
It's not starting over, it's just going on
DAVE:
together again
now were here and theres no need remembering when
cause no feeling feels like that feeling
together again
BOTH:
Together again
It's good to be together again
I just can't imagine that you've ever been gone
It's not starting over, it's just going on
Together again
Now we're here and there's no need remembering when
Cause no feeling feels like that feeling
Together again
The song ends to rapturous applause. There are probably tears. Shit’s embarrassing, audience. Get it together.
DAVE:
thanks folks
obviously that moment of strider sincerity is a one off that will not occur again until the heat death of the universe
which lets be real dirk will probably protect us from
but whatever
put your hands together for the crocker chef
SCENE FIVE
DIRK walks and DAVE bounces off the stage and the curtains draw back. They reveal MUPPET JANE at a kitchen set up.
JANE:
Thank you, Dave.
Today I will be baking a classic fruitcake.
The first step is to gather your ingredients.
JANE uncovers a platter to reveal an apple, lime, orange and lemon from “Jade: Captchalogue something.” Woah, I hear you say. We’re outright referencing pages now? Yeah, motherfucker, that’s what we’re doing. I know the page I’m talking about and so do you -- unless you just skimmed through and read every ‘log that I feature in. Couldn’t blame you, but I’ve read it that way too and it’s a recipe for an evening of intense masochism. And it makes no goddamn sense as a narrative.
Anyway, the fruit immediately run away from poor Janey.
JANE:
The important thing to remember when baking is that you must be prepared for anything!
Hoo hoo!
JANE chases the fruit around the chrome island bench, occasionally laughing. She manages to catch a lime and throws it at the cake pan. It’s very Swedish Chef, but less racist. Actually, I have no idea if the Swedish Chef is racist. Surely, right? But, you know. It’s Sweden.
ROSEBOT:
Sometimes I’m glad I’m a machine.
TEREZI:
WHYS TH4T?
ROSEBOT:
Because I can erase that vignette from my memory banks.
BOTH:
[Mutual cackling.]
INT. Understage.
This is different from the “backstage” set the Muppets use; this is an area in the foreground with some Barbie scale camera equipment and monitors. There’s the faint sound of elevator music for ambiance. Actors tend to get antsy in silence.
This is where the Barbie puppeteers hang out. We can see the Chef skit still in progress in the background -- BARBIE JANE is puppeting the Chef and a few other Barbies are controlling the fruit.
BARBIE KARKAT lumbers past, pulling a trash can with his Muppet limp inside it. The camera follows him as he walks past BARBIE DAVE in his director’s chair, watching the Chef bit on a monitor. MUPPET DAVE is sat on a second chair. He likes to pretend he’s people. BARBIE JANE enters with MUPPET JANE under her arm. Both DAVES look at her as she approaches.
JANE:
Dave, do you have a moment?
DAVE:
im made of time
BARBIE ARADIA passes behind them and gives fingerguns to the camera. She continues pushing the ghost light across the room.
Is she a part of the show? Does this imply that she and Sollux exist? I literally could not give a fuck and you shouldn’t either. Seriously. Don’t try and figure out what a mage class does and don’t try and figure out where Sollux is at any given time. He’s just a wannabe troll Dave with a lisp.
JANE:
I have some concerns about the show.
DAVE:
what kind of concerns
good ones i hope
JANE:
What? No.
Just, do you think it’s a good idea to cast Jake and Dirk in these roles?
Given their...
History.
DAVE:
i know its genius right
i surprise myself sometimes
JANE:
But--
They’re not good for each other, Dave.
Them together isn’t good for ANYONE.
Don’t you remember last time?
DAVE:
oh you think im playing matchmaker?
no dude its fine
its just convenient for me because its like theyve been method acting for these parts for like ten years
JANE:
Oh.
What if this accidentally rekindles their feelings, though?
Isn’t that cruel?
DAVE:
listen this aint high school musical
hes not sharpay and hes not ryan
theres no heteronormative incest happening here
they dont just fall in love because one of them is on a poorly constructed fake balcony
JANE:
I suppose not.
DAVE:
im gonna need you to get your head in the game jane
do you want a bigger part is that what this is really about
JANE:
No! I’m just worried about my friends.
DAVE:
im so serious about this that im about to break out of azkaban and prance around in dog form
JANE:
Okay.
DAVE:
im so serious im--
i was gonna do serial numbers and then breakfast cereal but thatd probably be a stretch
but dont let my rare analogical misstep distract from how fuckin serious i am
hand on my little plastic heart
i hear your concerns and assure you that i dont intend dirk and jake to get back together
Jane thinks. Dave drums his fingers on the prompt book. Finally, Jane looks up and smiles.
JANE:
Okay, I trust you.
FADE OUT.
SCENE SIX
FADE IN:
INT. [Regency set #3] DIRK and JAKE are in a library, both sitting in armchairs and holding books.
DIRK is not reading his; he’s staring at JAKE. JAKE is also not reading his, but he’s pretending very hard -- he just doesn’t seem to have any notion of how quickly a book’s pages should be turned. Honestly, he’d be better off pretending to do literally anything else.
ROXY, DAVE and KANAYA are in the background, reading books and pointing at the artwork, general background stuff like that.
DIRK:
There’s a spooky abbey that’s an hour’s drive away, we could take a picnic or some shit.
Seems like the kind of thing you’d be into.
JAKE:
Well i DO like picnics.
DIRK:
Sweet.
It’s supposed to be haunted.
That’s gotta be some contrived bullshit that’ll send you into my arms, in a way that you’ll totally pretend means nothing, but really makes you realise how strong I am.
JAKE:
Did somebody say “magic”?
DIRK:
What? No.
The camera pans back to JAKE, who is now standing up in his wizard clothes, looking gleeful. It pans back to DIRK for a reaction shot. Were he capable of reaction, he sure would be having one. Unfortunately, on top of being a stone-cold motherfucker, he is also a Barbie. You know what, sometimes Barbies’ perfect expressionlessness can convey a lot. You see that dead smile? That’s an extremely appropriate reaction.
TRACK THREE: Do You Believe in Magic – The Lovin’ Spoonful.
JAKE starts singing, with ROXY, DAVE and KANAYA providing appropriate oohs and ahhs. JAKE accompanies his singing with “magic”, like cards shooting from his sleeves and rabbits leaping out of hats, that kind of thing. Not really a wizardy aesthetic, but what the fuck do I care?
JAKE:
Do you believe in magic in a young girls heart?
How the music can free her whenever it starts
And its magic if the music is groovy
It makes you feel happy like an old-time movie
Ill tell you about the magic and itll free your soul
But its like trying to tell a stranger bout a rock n roll
DIRK leaves the stage. This is his limit.
JAKE:
If you believe in magic dont bother to choose
If its jug band music or rhythm and blues
Just go and listen itll start with a smile
That wont wipe off your face no matter how hard you try
Your feet start tapping and you cant seem to find
How you got there so just blow your mind
CUT TO:
INT. Understage. JANE and ROXY are talking.
ROXY:
its goin well rite?
JANE:
Your script is very creative.
ROXY:
aaaaaaaaand
JANE:
I love your writing, RoLal.
Some of it goes over my head, but I actually like those bits the most.
You and Strider have fun with this kind of thing. It’s nice to see.
ROXY:
janey omg i have fun w evrythin i do
JANE:
Sure.
How are you finding this?
I noticed that you haven’t written four musical numbers for yourself.
ROXY:
im the unseen puppet master lmao
distri aint got nothin on me
JANE:
I believe that.
Still. Don’t avoid the question.
ROXY:
dont eat me alive jeeeeeez lol
ok ok
i dunno
...
its fun obvs
and its a dream come true cos im adaptin roses stuff and she freakin LOVES it
theres just somethin deeply uncomfy about NOT bein in the bg u kno?
JANE:
You were never in the background.
ROXY:
yea i was but thats sweet of u to say
JANE:
Anyway...
How much of Jake’s wizardry is scripted?
ROXY:
id say like 40%
kids rly runnin w it lmao
SCENE SEVEN
INT. You know Fozzie Bear’s set? Yeah, it’s that. Like, I’ve taken a screenshot, then taken it to MS Paint and extrapolated the bit that’s usually covered by Fozzie standing in front of it. It’s green, because my printer is a piece of shit. I’m playing coy; you know why it’s green.
I could have done a better job, but not a perfect one, so I did the next best thing and made something that Dave would laugh at.
Or maybe not. I don’t think I ever got a handle on his sense of humour.
JOHN:
why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?
in case they get a hole in one!
thank you, thank you.
TEREZI:
YOUR3 B4D 4T JOK3S
ROSEBOT:
And you have daddy issues.
JOHN:
rude.
CUT TO:
INT. Understage.
DIRK and JAKE are there, and there’s the monitor where JOHN is performing. It feels empty, even though every now and then there’s the faint sound of laughter, applause and boos from the audience.
JAKE:
I get the feeling that everyone is trying to set us up.
Like for real.
DIRK:
Yeah, I got that impression too.
JAKE:
Is that what you want?
DIRK:
Jake, I...
I miss you, man.
Not like that.
Neither of them are convinced that it is, indeed, not like that, but they both want to be, so that’s good enough. It’d be so much simpler if it was not like that.
DIRK:
Do you remember when we were 15 and we watched Face Off together?
JAKE:
We voice called and pressed play at the same time.
DIRK:
But yours was a couple of seconds in front of mine.
I heard you laugh or gasp or whatever before I saw what it was at.
JAKE:
Yeah you gave me a fair walloping for that.
JAKE laughs. DIRK expresses the fact that he feels kind of guilty by not actually expressing it at all. It’s not like he actually feels guilty for ribbing JAKE about his taste in movies... he just wasn’t often gentle, and that was shitty of him.
JAKE:
But it was different when i could hear you.
Has anyone ever said that you sound like a complete tightass trying to seem hip to the jive?
DIRK:
Not in those words.
JAKE:
Well you do over text.
All of your yalls and hanging gs.
Like youve read the manual on being cool.
DIRK:
Gee, thanks.
JAKE:
Youre not like that in person.
I like hearing the humour in your voice.
I liked hearing your voice crack.
DIRK:
I was 15, of course my voice cracked.
JAKE:
Yeah and i liked it!
DIRK:
Okay.
JAKE:
Sorry i took over what you were saying.
I like that memory.
DIRK:
Same.
I was completely in love with you, obviously.
Or maybe it WASN’T obvious.
You said you didn’t know.
But it wasn’t just that. It was more than that.
I loved being your friend.
JAKE:
I loved being your friend too.
And i think i loved you too.
DIRK:
Don’t do that, don’t overwrite what we had to make some kind of story.
JAKE:
Well who could i possibly have learned that from!
DIRK:
Still.
...
Would it be the worst thing in the world if we got back together?
JAKE:
“Not the worst thing in the world” is a low bar old bean.
Is that what you want?
DIRK:
Man, I don’t even know.
It’s hard to tell.
We’ve been doing this dance for a long time.
Since we met for real.
Hey, let’s just text from now on.
It’s a joke, so they both laugh half-heartedly. They both know that wouldn’t work either. They’re quiet for a moment. On the screen, MUPPET DAVE is closing JOHN’s scene. He leaves the stage, but the curtains remain closed. The audience is waiting for its leading men. They can fuckin’ wait. We’re finally getting somewhere.
DIRK:
I thought I hated you.
JAKE:
I know.
DIRK:
Did you hate me?
JAKE:
Sometimes.
DIRK:
(laughing)
Shit. I didn’t expect that to hurt.
JAKE:
Thats how it goes with us.
Dirk its okay that you dont know where we stand.
I never expected you to know it all.
DIRK:
Didn’t you?
JAKE:
Maybe i did.
I fell for it. Fell for you pretending to be so competent.
DIRK:
I AM competent.
JAKE:
I liked when you werent.
Imagine that. Imagine being told that someone likes you when you’re not perfect. Where does that leave you? Are you then supposed to try to be imperfect? Maybe get really good at it? It’s a paradox.
We had this conversation, or close enough. More than once. We’ll have it again, and it’ll feel honest and new again. And then we’ll fall back into old patterns.
JAKE:
Let me catch up dirk.
Just...
Stop. With the ultimatums.
Give me till the end of this show.
Let us play out the fantasy of growing as people in a world where i cant fuck it up.
DIRK:
Okay.
JAKE:
I miss you too.
DIRK:
Yeah, I know.
Sorry.
SCENE EIGHT
INT. [Regency set #4] DIRK and JAKE are -- god, I don’t fuckin’ know, playing croquet or some shit.
It’s here that we see the true beauty of the whole Regency gimmick. In a modern adaptation, where would they be? A bowling alley? No, contemporary settings are bullshit; no one ever gets out in the fresh air. Let me tell you right the fuck now, fresh air is one of the few things that challenges my atheism. Recycled shit just doesn’t cut it. There’s a different taste. Shame that the guy who could help me out with this is stinking up Terezi’s sylladex.
After establishing the croquet shot at length, the camera alternates between focusing on DIRK and JAKE.
DIRK:
I really didn’t want to be in this state, dude.
I’ve tried to push these feelings down, but nothing fuckin’ works.
You should be nothing to me, I’ve TRIED to make you nothing to me.
You’re an idiot, and you do it on purpose.
Your FAMILY is idiotic too.
Your raps are so bad that I’d think magic was involved, except that you’re the worst fuckin’ wizard I’ve ever encountered.
You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.
So I have to ask, not for the first time (but fuck dignity, am I right?), will you put me out of this straight up agony and marry me?
JAKE:
Uh...
Christ im going to have to give you a straight dicking here or youre going to think you can just keep doing this.
Sorry but no.
DIRK:
What. And also, why.
This time, when the camera swaps to focus on JAKE, he’s dressed like a wizard. It’s a fun little quirk that keeps happening, designed to make DIRK’S ginormous brain meat dissolve into a puddle of piss like some cotton candy an idiot raccoon tried to wash.
JAKE:
Well i think you managed to insult me on just about every axis that is in my possession there.
So no.
You blew it!
You’re arrogant and you expect me to just go along with whatever you say and weve tried this all before so i could never ever marry you.
DIRK:
Are you serious?
JAKE:
Yes.
Why don’t you try just... being comfortable with yourself.
No schemes no high stakes nonsense nothing to distract from who you are.
DIRK:
Don’t distract myself from who I am?
Jake, I would rather peel my fingers one by one, boil them and then arrange them neatly on a plate so that you could devour them in front of me.
I would rather be trapped in an alternate reality where every morning I had to have brunch with Vriska and every evening I had my eyes popped out of their sockets.
I would rather live in Ohio.
JAKE:
Its really sad that you hate yourself this much.
JAKE disappears in a puff of smoke. DIRK calls out his retort to empty air.
DIRK:
I can’t believe YOU just said that to ME.
A beat. DIRK is alone on stage. The curtains fall closed.
CUT TO:
INT. Understage. BARBIE DAVE approaches BARBIE KANAYA, who is sitting listlessly in a corner.
DAVE:
how do you think its going
KANAYA:
There Are Definitely Antics Happening
DAVE:
ha yeah
thats not really an answer
KANAYA:
I Suppose Not
To Be Honest I Have Some Qualms
DAVE:
qualms?
KANAYA:
Yes
Like Little Emotion Bundles That Make You Think That Maybe Things Arent Quite Right
DAVE:
i know what qualms are dude
KANAYA:
Okay Well I Dont Know What You Do And Dont Know And You Seemed Confused
Do You Have Qualms?
DAVE:
not really but then this is my show
its pretty baller
KANAYA:
Perhaps I Should Take My Qualms Elsewhere But I Actually Was Going To Approach You With This
DAVE:
oh my god would you stop saying qualms
KANAYA:
No
DAVE:
ok i can respect that
whats this about
is it because you have taste and this basically doesnt
i dont see why you would care about the dirk and jake thing
not that there is a thing
this is all pretend obviously
KANAYA:
Its About The Dirk And Jake Thing
DAVE:
weird
why?
KANAYA:
Would You Believe Me If I Said That Dirk Shares Certain Attributes With Someone I Care About And I Find All This Needlessly Self Destructive?
DAVE:
no
KANAYA:
Would You Believe That I Give A Shit About Jake?
DAVE:
no
KANAYA:
Would You Believe That I Cant Help But Meddle In Situations Where My Meddling Is Perhaps Least Welcome?
DAVE:
haha ok yeah that one i can believe
KANAYA:
Shit
Okay So Yeah
I Guess I Just Dont Know What Your End Game Is
Do You Really Think That It Would Be Good For Literally Anyone If Dirk And Jake Got Back Together
DAVE:
i do actually
KANAYA:
Why
DAVE:
okay this is cheesy but whatever
i believe in them
look sometimes shit gets complicated and people who really love each other fuck up
itd be rad if the hard part was getting together
and you know im not saying that part is easy
obviously haha can you imagine
but life isnt one of those things where you earn xp and level up and never slide backwards or do really stupid shit
i dont think their past bullshit means they should give up on each other
do you really think we only get one chance with the person were supposed to be with
KANAYA:
...
No
DAVE:
okay
so how are your qualms now
KANAYA:
I Wont Get In Your Way
I Probably Wouldnt Have Anyway Really
Dave Sometimes It Sucks Being The Reasonable One
DAVE:
you dont actually have to agree with me
ill cut your song if you want we can put something else there
KANAYA:
No Ill Do It
It Might Be Good For Me
DAVE:
i really care about you sis
KANAYA:
I Know
I Care About You Too
SCENE NINE
CUT TO:
INT. In front of the closed curtains.
TRACK FOUR: Watch What Happens
MUPPET JOHN plays the piano as BARBIE JAKE sings. The music continues faintly over the next scene.
JAKE:
Cold no i cant believe your heart is cold
Maybe slow to warm from a long and lonely night
Let someone start believing in you
Let him hold out his hand
Let him touch you and watch what happens
One someone who can look in your eyes
And can see into your heart
Let him find you and watch what happens
Cold no i cant believe your heart is cold
Let someone start believing in you
Give that deep love to you
And what magic youll see
Let someone give his heart
Someone who cares like me
INT. Understage.
BARBIE JANE finds BARBIE ROXY brushing her Muppet’s fur.
JANE:
I don’t trust Dave.
ROXY:
like in general orrrr
JANE:
I think he wants to use this production to push Dirk and Jake back together.
ROXY:
aw hon
have you met dave?
kids the most non interferin pos in the world
love him 2 bits but he tries to wait on his own damn table when we go out 2 dinner
hes not conspirin to do smth that would obvs be a bad idea right?
JANE:
Right...
CUT TO:
INT. Another part of Understage. BARBIE DAVE is standing in a doorway, conspiring with BARBIE KARKAT.
DAVE:
now obviously i fully intend for dirk and jake to get back together
KARKAT:
YOU KNOW I SUPPORT YOU LIKE THE STURDIEST MAMMARY HAMMOCK THIS SIDE OF PARADOX SPACE.
IN JUST ABOUT EVERY FUCKING ENDEAVOUR, MIGHT I ADD.
BUT -- AND I GENUINELY CAN’T TELL IF YOU KNOW THIS OR IF YOU’RE INTESTINE DEEP IN MERRY, FRATERNAL-BASED DENIAL -- DIRK’S A DICK.
DAVE:
no hes a total dick i know
im not just doing this for him though i absolutely would just do it for him
look at that gorgeous idiot out there
CUT TO:
JAKE, still singing.
CUT BACK.
DAVE:
despite all appearances and i know he puts up a pretty distracting front
that foxy simpleton is not happy karkat
KARKAT:
WHAT, YOU THINK YOU’RE SAYING SOMETHING GROUNDBREAKING HERE?
JAKE’S NEVER BEEN HAPPY.
HERE’S ANOTHER TIDBIT THAT’LL EXPLODE YOUR BELIEF GLAND: BEING WITH DIRK DOES NOT IMPROVE THIS.
IN FACT, “NOT HAPPY” IS A HIGH POINT THAT COMES AFTER NOT BEING WITH DIRK FOR YEARS.
THIS IS THE BEST WE CAN DO!
DAVE:
thats fucking depressing dude
this is the muppet show could you lighten up
KARKAT:
THE SMUPPET SHOW.
DAVE:
right the smuppet show thats what i said
KARKAT:
IF THERE WAS A WAY TO MAKE JAKE HAPPY, I’D SHIT MY PANTS WITH EXCITEMENT AND CHEERILY EAT SAID SHIT IN CELEBRATION WHILE THE WORLD LOOKED ON IN APPROPRIATE HORROR AND CONDEMNATION.
YOU DON’T “MAKE” PEOPLE HAPPY, DAVE.
YOU SUPPORT THEM AND HOPE THEY GET THERE ON THEIR OWN.
BESIDES, YOU DON’T GET TO MEDDLE IN SHIT LIKE THIS.
DAVE:
whats that supposed to mean
KARKAT:
OH, I DON’T KNOW.
MAYBE IT HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH THE FACT THAT ROSE TOLD ME THAT YOU LIKED ME AND I SHOULD ASK YOU OUT WHEN WE WERE 14 AND IT TOOK A *LITERAL FUCKING DECADE* FOR YOU TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.
There’s applause, but that’s for the on-stage show, not KARKAT’S sweet burn.
DAVE:
okay thats rude
and you could have done something shut up
KARKAT:
JUST LET THEM DO THIS IN THEIR OWN TIME, OKAY?
DAVE:
what im hearing here is that youll absolutely help me and i thank you for your support
KARKAT:
OH MY GOD.
SCENE TEN
CUT TO:
INT. Stage is set for another Austen-ish scene. Christ, I don’t know what it is. I’d ask Rosebot for input -- I mean, a version of her is supposed to have been the one to have written this -– but this is my project and I’m perfectly capable of thinking of what people do socially. Maybe TOO capable. If you think about it, that’s my fatal flaw. I’m too damn good at the things I do.
Okay, let’s say they’re in the gardens again. It’s not lazy to re-utilise sets, it’s efficient. Besides, it’s a call back. At this point in the show, DIRK and JAKE have gone through an emotional journey. DIRK confessed his love; JAKE freaked. DIRK confessed his love again; JAKE freaked, but in a way that resulted in his doing something that made no sense. DIRK attempted to get the story back on track; JAKE sang about magic or whatever. DIRK proposed; Jake rejected him. Is there a theme here? Yeah, you bet there is. Not even a fantasy version of myself can tie Jake down. It would undermine the realism.
So yeah, it’s a call back. Because they’re starting fresh. DIRK is starting from the start, trying to be respectful this time. Let’s see how well that works out.
DIRK:
You remind me of the babe.
JAKE:
What babe?
DIRK:
You’re magic, Jake. And I don’t mean your wizardry; holy fuck do I not mean your wizardry. Are you feeling flattered?
JAKE:
Well...
Maybe YOU remind ME of the babe.
DIRK:
Oh god, why are you like this?
Why does this WORK for me?
JAKE:
The babe with the power.
DIRK:
Sure, okay, I guess if I’m into it, it may as well happen.
What power?
JAKE:
The power of voodoo.
DIRK:
Who do?
JAKE:
You do!
DIRK:
Do what?
JAKE:
Remind me of the babe.
JAKE starts rapping and doing the Charleston, a horrific combination that is impossible to truly capture with Barbies, and yet, the effect is something magnificent that transcends the limitations of the medium and rockets this musical show to the stratosphere. DIRK watches, like an idiot. Call it nostalgia.
TRACK 6: Rap version of Magic Dance
JAKE:
Now this is a story about how maybe
A love flicked off and left my baby
A slippery lover isn’t always a bad guy
But the devilish motherfucker went and made him cry
To which I said gadzooks! and I put up my dukes
Oh boy howdy, it’s time to get rowdy... I drive an Audi
So I whipped out my hat, got my beard all nice
And I said to my baby, “All fixed in a trice”
But magic you know always comes at a price
It’s imprecise, roll the dice, just a word of advice
And there’s spells of all kinds when you look for the signs
A clever boy like me sticks with the guidelines
(Spoken)
What will I do? Well, haha, I have a few ideas
Got slime, got snails, got puppy dog tails, thunder or lightning, something frightening...
(Spoken)
Then baby said...
The camera only stays with this production for a few seconds before it retreats to where BARBIE JADE is talking to BARBIE JOHN. Their Muppet forms are both on stage, with all the other Muppets. It doesn’t have to make sense.
JOHN:
what do you think of all this?
JADE:
what do you mean?
JOHN:
well, i mean...
you’re kind of the only one who loves jake with no ulterior motives.
JADE:
oh
wow john thats a really sad thing to say :(
JOHN:
i know.
so, what do you think?
JADE:
i think everyone treats jake like hes...
simple
like uncomplicated!! i dont mean stupid hes not stupid
JOHN:
isn’t he?
no offense.
JADE:
hes literally a rocket scientist???
and a movie/tv producer
and a survivalist
and oh my god he knows so many movies and trivia its insane
JOHN:
okay!
so he’s not stupid.
JADE:
hes not!!!!!
and hes not anything else that can be summed up in one word
i guess i relate to him sometimes
except i think i could be happy if someone chose me even if it wasnt perfect
JOHN:
do you like...
need a hug or something?
JADE:
ha ha no not really
thanks though
JOHN:
so you don’t think this’ll work.
JADE:
just because i dont think theres some magic solution that makes jake happy doesnt mean i dont want this to happen
i dont believe in soulmates
i dont think theres just one person out there for everyone
i always thought that was a really fucked up premise
JOHN:
i don’t know.
isn’t it nice to think that everything is going to be okay? that there is a plan?
JADE:
i guess???
its not though!
and thats the thing...
i think that being with the right person makes you believe that soulmates DO exist
JOHN looks towards the stage. JAKE passes the microphone to DIRK, who pretends to wave it off. He’s just playin’ coy though. He proceeds to drop some truly phat beats. The kind of beats that make yo mama look like a twig. Yeah, you can chalk this one up to nostalgia too.
DIRK:
Me?
Yeah, okay.
Yeah, yeah.
It goes like this.
Dance, Baby said dance, that’s right, I fuckin’ gave a glance, made to advance, got me looking askance
But ‘s’alright, I’m your white knight and it’s time to dance, motherfucker, we are here to prance.
And on a good day my wordplay got the haters all stayin’ away
I’m dismayed that the replay’s showin’ some naivete
On my part, I’m so smart like Descartes
But I am here to impart that trust here is just a motherfuckin’ matter of heart--
And don’t start, please, everybody freeze
This thing’s gone bendy like in fuckin’ House of Leaves
It’s a labyrinth, I’m the fresh prince
And I’m convinced, a minotaur’d vore ya before ya
Swore that you wanted more --
(Spoken)
This thing will never fucking end
Dance magic, dance
Do the D.A.N.C.E., for the M.A.G.I.C.
Just follow me, I’m your new M.C. and it’d feel so empty without me
And I’m blue, it’s true, this magic’s overdue
My love’s gone, it’s all wrong, I am only so strong
I just wanna belong and this song’s gone on too long, so--
John and Jade studiously ignore this.
JOHN:
is that it?
you think someone is your soul mate and then it turns out that someone else is theirs and you missed your shot?
JADE:
john
i literally just said soulmates arent a thing!!!
if you find someone new who makes you feel that way youll probably think that whatever you had with roxy wasnt real compared to your NEW soulmate experience
JOHN:
wow. way to make assumptions, jade.
JADE:
i think jake thinks dirk is his soulmate
i definitely think dirk thinks that about jake
i dont know if we should meddle but thats not my call
JOHN:
i don’t think dave and roxy even know what they’re doing with this.
JADE:
what do you mean?
JOHN:
you know...
they’re showing their buddies that they support them getting back together.
even after everything.
JADE:
what does that matter??
its up to jake and dirk isnt it?
JOHN:
maybe.
i think it’d be lonely to be with your soul mate without your family though.
JADE:
what do YOU think about this?
JOHN:
obviously i think that dirk is very sexy and smart.
JADE:
really???
JOHN:
no.
just... no.
i do not really have any stakes in this.
JADE:
fair
The rap finishes and the background Muppets clear the stage. JOHN and JADE’s Muppets leap into their arms like excited and well-trained dogs.
DIRK:
You know I enjoy our ridiculous rap sessions. Hell, I’m coming over as nostalgic as Jason Segal when he wrote The Muppet Movie. But that’s not what I meant.
JAKE:
(baffled)
Bro i am completely and irretrievably balled up by almost everything you say.
CUT TO:
INT. Balcony.
ROSEBOT:
I don’t remember the guest stars being this involved in The Muppet Show.
TEREZI:
TH3 SMUPP3T SHOW
ROSEBOT:
Sure.
TEREZI:
*4R3* TH3Y 1NVOLV3D? 1T ST1NKS TOO MUCH FOR M3 TO T3LL
BOTH:
[Mutual cackling.]
CUT TO:
INT. Stage.
DIRK:
I can help you understand.
SCENE ELEVEN
DIRK puts his hand of JAKE’S back and guides him downstage. The curtains close behind them and DIRK immediately drops his hand and steps slightly away.
DIRK and JAKE sing a heartfelt duet while MUPPET JADE and MUPPET DAVE accompany them on guitar and turntables respectively.
TRACK 6: Right Where I Belong
BOTH:
Look at me
Here I am
Right where I belong
I see that face coming back to me
Like an old familiar song
What better place could anyone be?
'Cause you're here with me
It's all I've been looking for
And so much more
And now I'm here
Now you're here
Nothin' can go wrong
'Cause I am here right where I belong!
Look at us!
Here we are!
Right where we belong!
JAKE turns to face DIRK to the exclusion of the audience. DIRK only makes it awkwardly to the end of the line, before HUMAN DIRK plucks BARBIE DIRK from the stage and puts him in the opera box. The music stops, leaving complete silence for the second time since the show began. The show is DIRK’S and cannot continue without him.
I think I’ve had enough of this. I can endure a lot, but Jake has always tested that. I retreat to the sanity of my daughter’s company. Not Terezi’s. I evict her from the opera box and she clatters impressively to the plebs’ seats.
DIRK: Stop me if you’ve heard this one.
ROSEBOT: I’ve certainly heard THAT one.
DIRK: Sometimes I think you have no appreciation for an homage.
ROSEBOT: Go on, tell me your joke.
DIRK: Okay.
DIRK: Paul Auster, Jonathan Safran Foer and Dirk Strider walk into a bar. Paul Auster turns to the others and says, “An author playing at being detective, a detective playing at being author and a man who disappeared into another man’s life walk into a bar -- no, wait, Don Quixote, Walt Whitman and Herman Melville walk into a bar...” but the other two men don’t want to hear him make up his mind about which joke to tell or about what the fuck is going on with his bilious melange of an identity, and so they give up on the joke.
DIRK: Ten minutes in the past, Paul Auster, Jonathan Safran Foer and Dirk Strider walk into a bar. Jonathan Safran Foer turns to the others and says, “An author commissions a Ukrainian liar to help him tell the truth through fiction. The Ukrainian tells the story of the two of them seeking a family history that will help the present make sense. The author tells the story of a family that seems cursed not to feel love the way they should. In the end, the Ukrainian character loves the author of the book he’s in and the author feels less alone.” The other two men feel uncomfortable with a man who can so openly seek love within the self, and so they give up on the joke.
DIRK: Fifteen minutes in the past, Paul Auster, Jonathan Safran Foer and Dirk Strider walk into a bar. Dirk Strider turns to the others and says, “FOUR DIRKS stand in an ANTECHAMBER. There are as many CHAIRS as there are STAIRS, which is to say, a lot. There is an INVERTED RHINOCEROS here. A WITHERED TREE grows incongruously next to the fireplace. Above the stage is suspended a SHODDY REPRODUCTION OF DAMIEN HIRST’S “SOME COMFORT GAINED FROM THE ACCEPTANCE OF THE INHERENT LIES IN EVERYTHING”, except with a HORSE. It drips.” The other two men realise that they have wandered too far into metafiction and begin a fight to the death. They kill each other in simultaneous blows and, understanding what is expected of him, Dirk Strider dirkcapitates himself.
ROSEBOT: ...
ROSEBOT: At first, I wasn't certain it qualified as a joke, per se.
ROSEBOT: But THEN I understood that the joke leaves its punchline implied, as is only appropriate for a such metatextual joke.
ROSEBOT: In order to appreciate it, the audience must zoom the point-of-view out this last step themselves, acknowledging the existence not only of the several layers of Dirk Striders within the body of the joke itself, but the real Dirk Strider in front of them, who apparently believed that telling the joke was a good idea.
ROSEBOT: That is the comedic denouement, and it's truly brilliant. You're to be commended.
I stare at Rosebot as I process her assessment. And then I turn and leave. What a fucking smartass. I didn’t raise her to be that way.
I hear the sound of Rosebot’s repulsive laughter as I exit the box. Terezi has somehow re-joined her. I’m sure it was a really impressive joke they just shared. Fuckin’ Statler and Waldorf wannabes. Anyone can be a critic, a parasite on creativity. The real skill is content creation.
CUT TO:
Back to DIRK, who looks back at the opera box he just left ROSEBOT in, then back to the stage. He’s not impressed.
SCENE TWELVE
CUT TO:
INT. The garden set. Yeah, we’re calling it back again. It’s not laziness if it serves a purpose.
DAVE:
and were back
if you thought that was saccharine i hope you brought your hanky
no i dont hankies are disgusting
okay look heres the thing
were deep in this shit now
if youve made it this far youve passed an impressive litmus test
so heres your reward
back to back dirk sincerity
please put your hands together for my brother
mr dirk strider
DIRK’s solo is not one with an abundance of dignity. For DIRK to express sincerity, it must be cloaked in bullshit, which in this case involves the kind of costuming that Elton John would be proud of, a truly ludicrous amount of props, and interpretive dance.
TRACK 7: Something So Right
DIRK:
This is my dream come true
The day has come for us to say I do
There's nowhere else I'd rather be
Nothing in the world means more to me than you
I've waited so patiently
I knew you were the only frog for me
Always knew this day would come
It's written in the stars, it's destiny
So how can something so right
Feel so wrong tonight
After all we've been through
Why do I feel I don't know you
You might expect something to happen while DIRK sings. After all, almost all the other acts had simultaneous backstage action. Where’s the juice? And look, I hear you. But this right here is where the juice is. I might not be comfortable expressing sincerity, but if I’m going to sing about JAKE being the only frog for me, you’re going to sit there and take it.
DIRK finishes his solo. There are theatrics of a ridiculous nature involved. He bows before he leaves the stage. The curtains swish closed.
SCENE THIRTEEN
INT. In front of the closed curtains. MUPPET KANAYA is singing into an old-timey microphone.
TRACK 8: The First Time It Happens
KANAYA:
The First Time You See Her
No Bolt From The Blue
Just Something So Quiet
Thats Waiting For You
With No One To Tell You
Where You've Got To Go
The First Time It Happens
You Know
CUT TO:
INT. The balcony.
TEREZI:
HOW DO YOU T3LL 1F 4 V4MP1R3 1S S1CK?
ROSEBOT:
Terezi, I’m having a moment.
TEREZI:
SH3 WONT STOP COFF1N
ROSEBOT:
Terezi, please.
CUT TO:
INT. The stage.
KANAYA:
The First Time You See Her
No Magical Change
No Angels Appearing
No Dreams To Arrange
Just Warmer And Colder
Than Springtime Or Snow
The First Time It Happens
You Know
TEREZI:
TH1S 1SNT R34L
DO YOU W4NT TO B41L?
1LL B41L W1TH YOU
1TS NOT L1K3 1 C4R3 4BOUT H1S NON-3X1ST4NT F33L1NGS OR H1S W31RD PROJ3CTS
ROSEBOT:
Thank you, but I’m fine.
As you say, it’s not real.
...
The coffin joke was good.
KANAYA:
And So You Fall
And How Complete It Is
And For Each New Moment That It Lasts
How Sweet It Is
ROSEBOT:
You once chose to... separate yourself from Vriska.
How did you get through that?
TEREZI:
W1TH SCRUMPT1OUS M3NT4L H34LTH OBV1OUSLY
4S SHOULD B3 OBV1OUS B3C4US3 ONLY SOM3ON3 TRULY H4PPY WOULD COM3 4BO4RD TH3 SS PARTY TOWN W1TH YOU 4ND C4PT41N BOYSENBERRY BUTT
ROSEBOT:
Obviously. The guest list was restricted to those who aced the DASS test.
TEREZI:
TH3R3S NOTH1NG FOR M3 1N A UN1V3RS3 W1THOUT H3R
4ND TH3 ONLY P3RSON WHO M4D3 M3 FORG3T TH4T FOR 4 L1TTL3 WH1L3 1S GON3 TOO
1 GOT THROUGH 1T B3C4US3 TH4TS WH4T YOU DO
4ND 1F 1 THOUGHT 1T WOULD BUY M3 A S3COND MOR3 W1TH E1TH3R OF TH3M 1D K1LL YOU BOTH 4ND GORG3 MYS3LF ON YOUR TONGU3-T1NGLY C1CU1TBO4RDS
ROSEBOT:
Ease up on the affection, Terezi. You’re embarrassing yourself.
You may be wondering where Vriska is. She’s not here. It’s not because I have anything against her; I never officially met her. But she has a tendency to steal the spotlight, and I want it to myself. I may also have a tiny problem with how people keep comparing me to her. And shit, I don’t actually want Terezi to kill me.
KANAYA:
The First Time Together
How Simple How Rare
And Just When You Thought
Youd Forgot How To Care
And Though You Feel Much More
Than Youd Dare To Show
The First Time It Happens
You Know
CUT TO.
INT. Sweeping shot to understage where BARBIE JANE is talking to JAKE. JANE is carrying her Muppet over for the next scene and JAKE is in the way, seemingly without noticing that he’s right in the middle of the wings.
JANE:
So! Good show, right?
JAKE:
So good!
Smashing! Spiffing! Absolutely tops!
JANE:
Right! Very good stuff.
There’s a pause. It goes unsaid (and ironically said) that it’s awkward as shit.
JAKE:
Right well jade said shed glue my beard back on so...
JANE:
Wait!
How are you feeling?
JAKE:
Were doing regency times janey i dont think i have to express my feelings at all haha!
JANE:
Because I thought it might be awkward.
You know, with Dirk.
JAKE:
I dont know what youre talking about.
JANE:
Because you used to date Dirk
JAKE:
I did.
JANE:
So, I worry this might bring up some feelings. That you might want to discuss. With me.
JAKE:
Oh no jane i couldnt do that to you.
Youve been my unpaid and unappreciated therapist too many times for me to use you like that again.
JANE:
I just want you to be happy.
JAKE:
I really believe that!
You know i think i believe that about everyone here.
Thats nice isnt it?
Weve had some rocky times havent we jane.
Just kick after kick to the nards.
But now were getting out of the haze.
JANE:
I suppose so...
There’s applause for Kanaya’s performance. She squeezes behind them, hugging herself and staring at her feet. Jake makes room and watches her leave, unsure if he should go after her, if she needs comfort so bad that even his might do. He’s a pretty compassionate guy, but he also just doesn’t want to go. He convinces himself that he doesn’t want to make things worse, and stays.
JAKE:
I think this is what we should have been doing all along.
JANE:
The Smuppet Show?
JAKE:
Why not? Its brought us all together.
Anyway i really do need my beard glued on.
JANE:
With *temporary* glue, Jake.
Make sure she uses *temporary* glue!
JAKE:
Right you are!
SCENE FOURTEEN
The camera pans to where DIRK and MUPPET JANE are talking, on stage.
DIRK:
Ms Crocker.
JANE:
Mr Strider.
I heard a rumour that Mr English had proposed to you, which is impossible.
DIRK:
Why impossible?
JANE:
Because he’s engaged to me!
DIRK:
Cool. So why are you here?
Like, if shit’s impossible, why’d you bother to come talk to me?
JANE pauses, somewhat awkwardly. But not as awkwardly as she just was with JAKE. There’s degrees to this shit.
JANE:
Okay, we’re not actually engaged.
But you gave up on him.
It was YOU who told me to go for him!
DIRK:
Guess he couldn’t resist my... animal magnetism.
God, I hate that line.
DIRK looks to the wings, where ROXY grins and gives a thumbs up. It’s ROXY’s script, after all.
JANE:
Mr Strider, you’re making this really difficult.
You’ve always heard my side and you’ve always guided me the best way you know how.
So let’s talk, without you being a judgemental so-and-so.
DIRK:
Okay.
JANE:
Why do you DO this?
Why do you arrange us all in place, then change your mind and leave us with a ruddy big case of whiplash?
DIRK:
He didn’t even propose to me.
He’s off being a wizard or some shit, I don’t fuckin’ know.
JANE:
But that’s where this is all going, isn’t it?
Could you consider my feelings, just once?
Or, if that’s impossible -- and I think it might be! -- could you consider what the right thing to do is?
DIRK might have had a witty retort ready, but he doesn’t come out with it. He looks at his best friend and knows he deserves her condemnation. That he deserves so much more than that.
DIRK:
I’m sorry, Jane.
I’m so fucking sorry.
...
I’m sorry.
JANE:
Dirk...
The hand holding MUPPET JANE drops her, without caring that she has fallen inelegantly, withdrawing out of frame. A moment later it returns, holding BARBIE JANE. Does it shatter the illusion if the hand is grey?
JANE:
That’s a touch overzealous for the scene, don’t you think?
DIRK:
Yeah, god.
Sorry.
JANE:
You know you can talk to me, don’t you?
DIRK:
Not really, no.
I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’m fucking awful at that.
JANE:
At talking? Well, we both know that’s not true.
DIRK:
...
JANE:
Oh Dirk, I’m only teasing.
I know that speaking directly isn’t your strength.
I think I know your ways better than anyone else!
Our friends, bless them, like to imagine that you’re cool.
DIRK:
Which I am.
JANE:
Of course.
But you’re not heartless.
You have more heart than anyone I know.
DIRK:
I don’t think that even counts as a pun at this point.
JANE:
Of course, you can’t express your feelings directly, because you learned how to be a man from someone whose main audience was mindless frat boys in it for the memes.
Instead, like your bro, you have to couch anything sincere behind walls of irony. A full maze of them.
DIRK:
With me at the centre, slurping up the youth of Athens like they’re delicious ramen and I’m a weeb asshole insisting on incompetently using chopsticks with a Light Yagami body pillow sitting opposite to me at my kotatsu.
JANE:
You’re not a monster.
It would be so much easier if you were.
DIRK:
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry for everything I did, but I’m most sorry for you.
You’re my best friend and I dragged you into villainy with me.
JANE:
You’re my best friend too. You always have been.
...
Well, shucks.
I’ve been resisting this whole transparent set up thing, perhaps obviously.
DIRK:
You’re entitled to your resistance. I don’t think I could imagine it any other way.
JANE:
But I want you to be happy.
How could I want otherwise?
DIRK:
What are you saying?
JANE:
I’m saying, you silly duffer, that you should go to him.
DIRK:
But--
JANE:
Dirk.
Go to him.
DIRK:
Is this how it goes?
JANE:
Does it matter if it is?
It doesn’t. I see that now. I turn, as if I know exactly where to look to find JAKE. I walk quickly, then run the last few steps. I reach out for him and he reaches back. I look in his eyes and it doesn’t matter that this isn’t how it goes, it doesn’t matter that we’ve fucked this up over and over again. We kiss, and it’s not that I kiss him or he kisses me, we do it together. The audience makes an awww sound. I open my eyes.
The man I’m holding is a Muppet.
Fuck. I can’t do this.
I, really me, Dirk the fucking human, proceed to shove the stage from its table, to kick it and stomp at it. I really go to town on this piece of shit. I tear down the balcony and uproot the audience’s chairs. I don’t stop until I feel cold, metallic hands grip my shoulders. I shake them off and turn around so that I can knock the camera over, too.
The camera is righted and grey hands (ringed with the joints required to allow metal to move smoothly in a convincing mimicry of human hands) sift through the wreckage to find two Barbies; Dirk’s and Rose’s. She hands Dirk’s to him and keeps hold of her own. She places her Barbie on the table and looks at Dirk until he copies.
ROSEBOT: How are you feeling?
DIRK: Rose, it’s tearing me apart.
DIRK: Here’s how it was supposed to end: Jake--
I clear my throat, because that is absolutely not what my voice is supposed to sound like.
DIRK: Jake turns back into a Muppet. Then, you and Terezi are revealed to be Muppets as well. My doll is looking in the mirror, the camera pans to show his reflection is, you guessed it, a Muppet. Dave’s Muppet comes on stage and thanks the audience for watching as an unsettling version of “Am I A Man Or A Muppet” plays and that’s curtain.
ROSEBOT: A bit of an anti-climax, considering the production value of all this.
DIRK: You should have seen [S] Collide.
ROSEBOT: But you didn’t see this through to its lacklustre ending.
DIRK: The ending was fine.
DIRK: I guess I just lost my shit.
ROSEBOT: Why?
DIRK: Do we have to do this with the dolls?
ROSEBOT: Apparently so. Why?
DIRK: Fine.
DIRK: ...
DIRK: I liked this reality better. I liked this DIRK better. I got caught up in the show and I forgot that all this was complete bullshit until it was basically over.
ROSEBOT: You miss the people we left behind.
ROSEBOT: I find that strange.
ROSEBOT: There are so many instances of those people that it’s illogical to miss these precise ones.
ROSEBOT: And besides, the success of our plan will ensure that they all survive in our new universe.
ROSEBOT: I think none of us are under the delusion that we’ll be able to pick up precisely where we left off, but we’re working for the greater good here -- if you’ll allow me to use the phrase “the greater good” when discussing a plan that is not completely fucking evil.
ROSEBOT: It’s surprising that I have to tell you this.
DIRK: It IS the greater good.
DIRK: I’m sustaining this story the best way I know how.
DIRK: I’m depressed but I’m not fucking suicidal.
DIRK: I can drag this bitch out for hundreds of read-hours. THOUSANDS.
Get it? Read-hours. Like lightyears. Whatever. I can, you know. Even if one-by-one the team moves on to better things. Even if I have to institute a hiatus that makes the gigapause look as inconsequential and as mildly aggravating as the cat taking a shit in Junior’s sandpit. I can always hire new people to see out my vision. I can always pick the fucking thing up myself. I can always choose some random fuckin’ fanfic and canonise that. We’ll spend 5,000 panels watching Yiffy play soccer, seeing as apparently that’s the kind of thing the people want to see. This can go on forever.
ROSEBOT: I think that this is one of those instances where the destination is worth tolerating the journey, not the other way around.
ROSEBOT: We’ll do better in the next universe. Nazism does not have to be a multi-versal constant, regardless of the evidence so far to the contrary.
ROSEBOT: When we finally get a planet that meets that incredibly low bar, we can find peace.
DIRK: Peace...
DIRK: What the fuck do we do with peace?
ROSEBOT: You’ll descend further into arts and crafts, if this is any indication.
ROSEBOT: We’ll do what we’re doing now, but with better company and without the unreasonable amount of pressure that comes with saving the future of all life.
ROSEBOT: You could have this, you know.
ROSEBOT: This production might be a fantasy and I doubt you’ll get Dave anywhere near a puppet, so it wouldn’t be exactly the same.
ROSEBOT: But everyone could make something together. Roxy and I could write, Dave could direct, you and Jake could star; just like this.
ROSEBOT: I know that part of the fantasy is that this was written by someone else, directed by someone else -- that Dave and Roxy cared so much about you that they went to this kind of trouble for your happiness.
ROSEBOT: But if you want to get back together with Jake -- if you want to do it on your own terms, because it DOES have to come from you -- I don’t think you should...
ROSEBOT: Give up hope.
DIRK: I could never have this.
I put my doll down. But I’ve never been especially talented at shutting my goddamn mouth, so I pick it back up.
DIRK: This is too much attention to be giving to my mental breakdown.
DIRK: It’s not the first time I’ve lost my mind all over the pages of a creative project and you can be damn sure it won’t be the last.
DIRK: It doesn’t take the whole goddamn play to expose these kinds of feelings. You show two pages then you move the fuck on to the next inanity.
ROSEBOT: It is a SPECTACULAR mental breakdown, though.
DIRK: Thanks.
DIRK: ...
DIRK: I don’t think this is canon. This is tautology. Canon is somewhat more efficient. And I do mean “somewhat”.
Rosebot goes very still.
DIRK: If this isn’t canon, something else is.
ROSEBOT: We failed.
DIRK: SomeONE else is.
DIRK: “Tearing me apart”, Rosebot, I said that this was “tearing me apart”.
DIRK: I’m a fucking splinter.
DIRK: Oh, wow.
DIRK: WOW.
DIRK: Fuck the main Dirk, am I right?
ROSEBOT: We’re ultimate, we’re ALL Roses and ALL Dirks.
DIRK: Oh, believe me. I’m not him.
DIRK: FUCK.
DIRK: I don’t know where we go from here.
DIRK: What happens after canon? Where do we go?
ROSEBOT: ...
ROSEBOT: Do you really not know? Have you really never asked me?
I refuse to answer. Rosebot doesn’t look pitying, just ... concerned.
ROSEBOT: When you read, say, Peter and Wendy, those characters are alive in your mind, right?
DIRK: Right.
ROSEBOT: Tinkerbell needs people to believe in her, or she dies.
DIRK: I know this.
ROSEBOT: Is she alive in your mind right now?
I hesitate.
ROSEBOT: You’re not currently reading Peter and Wendy, but you are thinking about Tinkerbell. That story has been around since 1904, but Tinkerbell is alive in your mind now, uncountable time and universes away from when and where she was written.
Rose doesn’t lie to me.
DIRK: We don’t die?
ROSE: We’re immortal.
ROSE: Hell, we’re notorious.
I laugh. I don’t know if I believe her, but I laugh.
But even if she’s wrong, even if we’re not that kind of enduring (and I can’t see Disney buying the rights), we’re not even the ones who can continue the story. Not if this isn’t canon.
That pressure, that unreasonable pressure that Rose was talking about, it’s just gone. Leave that to the main guy. Leave all of it to him. I don’t have to be here, none of us do, he has it all in hand. It’s his job to maintain the interest of the audience. We can go and do something off-screen.
DIRK: Kinda burned some bridges though.
DIRK: That son of a bitch alpha Dirk backed me into a corner here, where the only thing to do is keep going.
DIRK: Is this how Candy Dirk felt?
DIRK: Doesn’t matter, I’m better than that motherfucker too.
ROSE: I don’t understand.
DIRK: We’re going home.
DIRK: I’m going to fix everything.
ROSE: How?
DIRK: I got a couple deus ex machina up my sleeve.
DIRK: You should have noticed by now that I like making references and call backs.
ROSE: You amaze me.
DIRK: Do you remember feeling before as though there was nothing you could do? That you’d failed so monstrously that your path was irredeemable? That that was it, no more lives, game over man, game over.
ROSE: I sent John to his death. We don’t have that option anymore.
DIRK: Of course we do. I didn’t invite Terezi along for her charming personality.
ROSE: But everything is lost. You showed me what would happen if we stayed on Earth C. We HAD to leave.
DIRK: I showed you what would happen if I ripped the light and soul out of the planet.
I drop my doll and hold my hand out for hers. She puts her doll down with considerably more care, then takes my hand.
DIRK: Rose. I’m going to fix everything.
My hand starts to glow pink in hers. She looks surprised, but not alarmed. She doesn’t fear me.
DIRK: Looks like you got a splinter under your skin there. Let’s start with that.
The light increases until it envelops her. When I’m done, she pulls her hand away.
DIRK: Go get your body. And John’s.
Rose leaves.
I pick up my doll and measure it in my hand. Jake’s Muppet is still centre-stage, so I pick him up too.
I bring their faces together in a facsimile of a kiss.
DIRK: Oh fucking hell, why the fuck did I do that.
DIRK: Swear to CHRIST I’m cooler than that.
--END--
CREDITS
DIRK:
If we could do it all again
Just another chance to entertain
Would anybody watch or even care?
Or did something break we can't repair?
TEREZI:
YOUR CANNONB4LL TR4J3CTORY
1T 4LW4YS G4V3 M3 HOP3
TH3Y M4Y H4V3 B33N UN-B34R-4BL3 BUT
1 ST1LL LOV3D YOUR JOK3S
DIRK:
Is there more I could've said?
Now they're only pictures in my head
ROSE:
Could we do it all again?
Make 'em laugh like we did then
ALL:
We could harmonize for one more song
DIRK:
But I'm standing here instead
Now they're only pictures in my head