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“Oh, man. You and Tommy have the right idea. Stay single, hang out with the boys,” Eddie said, not really looking at Buck.
Truth be told, he was glad that Buck and Tommy started to hang out. This way they could all hang out together and Buck wouldn’t feel left out. He knew that he might have overdone it with his meetups with Tommy. He saw Buck’s kicked puppy eyes, but didn’t understand how much he hurt the other man until Buck lashed out at him at the basketball game.
There was a sound coming from his phone signaling another text form Marisol and he groaned in frustration. He was about to further complain to Buck, but the blonde beat him to it with his next words.
“It was a date.” The words did not fully register in Eddie’s brain.
He looked up at Buck while putting his phone on the counter and his whole brain went completely blank.
“When you and Marisol ran into me and Tommy. We were on a date.”
Eddie saw the nerves written all over Buck’s face and knew that, as his best friend, he should reassure him that everything was alright, but all that came out of his mouth was one word.
“Really?”
Buck’s response was in the form of a hum and Eddie wondered what was going on inside of his best friend’s head right now.
His best friend, who went on a date with a guy. A guy who was also Eddie’s friend.
Tommy.
“Wait, Tommy’s gay?” Eddie could not hide his confusion. He spent the last weeks practically in Tommy’s pocket and he had no idea.
“That never came up when you guys were hanging out?” Buck asked with a bit of relief in his voice.
“No, no. I mean, not that it would have mattered,” Eddie rushed to clarify.
The last thing he wanted was for Buck to feel insecure about this. He wanted Buck to feel safe in sharing everything with Eddie and he was glad that the other man was telling him about this newfound part of himself.
“Sure, I don’t think he volunteers it, but he doesn’t hide it.” Buck added.
“So, you two were-” He already knew the answer to the question he was about to ask, but he needed to hear it again.
He needed to buy himself some time to react accordingly and not let Buck know that he was freaking out a little bit, especially because he had no idea what was there to panic about. Buck was on a date with a man, nothing wrong with that.
“We were on a date, yes.” Buck replied slowly and there was something like pride in the glint of his eyes.
“Okay.” Eddie replied with a strained voice, still trying to process.
He wasn’t really struggling with the Buck part of it, it was more with the feeling in his chest and the storm in his head part of it.
“Is that weird?” Eddie could hear the hint of insecurity in Buck’s voice.
He couldn’t have that. Whatever internal freak out he was having, he couldn’t have Buck thinking it had anything to do with him. Well, it kind of did, but not for the reasons that were probably floating in Buck’s head right now.
He had to put all of his racing thoughts aside and support his friend.
“No. Absolutely not. I like him too. I mean not the same way as you, evidently,” He rushed to clarify. “This doesn’t change a thing between us, okay?” The last part felt like a lie, but Eddie could not put a finger on why.
“Good, that’s a relief.” Buck’s voice sounded disappointed and Eddie had trouble figuring out what it meant. “Although I guess it doesn’t really matter, anyway. He dumped me.”
There was something like satisfaction settling in Eddie’s chest and he hated himself for it. He shook the feeling off and decided to put it aside for now right alongside his freak out.
“Wow, that’s fast even for you.” He teased and marveled in Buck’s quiet chuckle.
“I guess he couldn’t really dump me, ‘cause we weren’t together.” Buck added. “Basically when we ran into you guys, I kind of made an idiot of myself and he said he doesn’t think I’m ready.”
“What do you think?” Eddie wasn’t sure if he wanted to know the answer to that question.
“I kind of can’t stop thinking about him.”
Eddie hoped that the disappointment wasn’t visible on his face. He felt a pinch of hurt in his heart and although he was usually a pro at hiding his emotions, he was having a really hard time right now.
“Well, you know what I think. You should call him.” Every word was painful to say.
“Really?” Buck's excitement was not helping Eddie’s situation at all.
But this was not about him. He had to be supportive. He shook his feelings away and adopted a more cheerful voice.
“Heck yeah, he doesn’t know you’re an idiot. Once he gets to know you and knows that you’re an idiot, he’ll love you, like we all do.” Like I do, Eddie wanted to say, but bit his tongue.
“What if he says no?”
“Then he’s the idiot.” Eddie felt like truer words have never been spoken. “Don’t walk away from something before you even know what it is.”
“That sounds like some good advice.” Buck replied.
For a split second Eddie had no idea what Buck was getting at, but then it suddenly hit him.
“Yeah, I gotta talk to Marisol.” Eddie got up from the chair and started to make his way to the door.
He felt like he couldn’t walk out of there fast enough, but there was one more thing he had to do.
“Come here,” He outstretched his hands, so Buck would understand his intentions, “Come here.”
Buck got up with a huff and they met in the middle in a tight hug. Eddie didn’t want to let go, but knew he had to.
“Call Tommy.” He pointed a finger at Buck and left.
He closed the door to Buck’s loft and immediately regretted everything he had said. It was like the dam broke after he could finally abandon being a supportive friend and start to think about his previous panic. He didn’t want Buck to call Tommy. He had no idea why. He had no problem with Buck liking guys and he liked Tommy.
Tommy was a great guy. Tommy was his friend who would probably be a great boyfriend. He went above and beyond to ensure Eddie always had a great time with him so he probably would have done even more for a guy he was dating.
Yet Eddie still felt the ache in his chest. He felt it all those times before.
Abby, Taylor, Natalia. They all made him feel like this, but he could explain it in the way that they weren’t good for Buck.
This he couldn't explain.
All he knew was that he lied. Buck coming out changed things. Eddie didn’t know how or why, but it did. The last thing he wanted was for Buck to call Tommy right now.
He turned back to the door and knocked. Buck opened it with a surprised expression.
“Did you forget something?” The blonde asked.
“Don’t call him,” Eddie blurted out. “Don’t call Tommy.”
“Yhm,” Buck replied while rubbing the back of his neck. “Why?” He asked, confusion written all over his face.
“I don’t know,” Eddie replied.
Buck tilted his head to the side and looked at Eddie, clearly puzzled.
“Okay,” he said slowly after a moment. “I won’t.”
Eddie was taken aback by that. He thought he would have to explain. He would have no idea how to, but he thought Buck wouldn’t agree just like that.
“Just like that?” He asked with wonder in his voice.
“Yeah,” Buck replied quietly. “I don’t know what’s going through your head and honestly I don’t like that, but,” he paused and took a small breath, “if you don’t want me to call Tommy, I won’t.”
Eddie was relieved. He was also panicking a little, because he had no idea what was going on and Buck being his sweet, unapologetic self was not helping the matter.
“Just,” Buck said after a minute of silence, “let me know when you figure out the why, okay?” He asked, looking pleadingly at Eddie.
“I will.” Eddie replied through the lump in his throat.
***
On the way home Eddie’s mind was completely blank. He had no idea what he was going to do. He had no idea what these confusing feelings boiling deep inside of him were. He drove in silence. If the way from Buck’s loft to his home wasn’t so familiar and literally engraved into his brain, he would surely get lost.
As he opened his front door and saw all the boxes lying around, he realized one thing for certain: he had to break up with Marisol. It wasn’t working out and he had no energy for dealing with a dying relationship, when all his focus was on Buck.
“Eddie,” Marisol’s voice greeted him by the door. “You’re home.”
Her saying that made him feel uneasy. He hated himself for what he was about to do. He was terrible at breaking up with someone, the break up with Ana still haunted him.
“I-” he tried to say something, anything, but his throat closed up on him.
Marisol’s face fell and she sighed while hanging her head low.
“You’re breaking up with me, aren’t you?” She looked sad, but not surprised in the slightest.
Eddie only managed a nod.
“Is it because of the nun thing?” There were tears gathering in her eyes.
The nun thing?
Oh, Marisol used to be a nun. That was why he was avoiding her. After Buck came out, he had completely forgotten about all of that. It was like everything not related to Buck evaporated from his head.
Honestly, if it was only about Mariosol almost becoming a nun, they would probably be able to work through this. Maybe he would have asked her to move out and they could start from the beginning, but with his whole mind being occupied with the thought of his best friend, he had to end it.
It would be unfair to her and himself if he kept it going.
“No, it’s not about that. It’s not about you at all, actually I just-”
“You’re going to go on that whole it’s not you, it’s me crap?” She interrupted him with hands resting on her hips and a raised eyebrow.
“I know this sounds like a cliche or a cop out, but it doesn't make it any less true.”
She sighed and shook her head.
“You know, Eddie? You’re right.” She looked clearly done with him. “It is you.” She made her way past him and to the door. “I will arrange for someone to move my stuff this week, take care Eddie.” She was almost out of the door when she stopped in her tracks and turned around.
“Word of advice: before you get yourself into another relationship, maybe figure out what it is you actually want? It’ll save you and the poor girl the trouble.”
He wasn’t able to respond since she closed the door behind herself, before he could even process her words.
He walked into his house and sunk into the sofa. He closed his eyes in hopes that his world would stop spinning and fell asleep without really meaning to.
***
The next weeks were filled with awkwardness and confusing feelings. Eddie tried to not avoid Buck, but whenever the other man was near, Eddie’s head started to spin, his stomach was doing weird twists that he refused to describe as butterflies, his hands were sweaty and his face was most certainly resembling a tomato.
Buck, to his credit, tried to act naturally, but Eddie could see the questions painted all over his best friend's face. Buck was waiting for Eddie to tell him what the hell was going on and Eddie wasn’t any closer to figuring it out.
He tried, he really did, but every time he got close his mind was shutting down. It was at the tip of his tongue, but he just couldn’t reach it. He had no idea what was going on and even though he was so sure that he wanted to know, he started to realize that maybe he was sabotaging himself.
Maybe the problem wasn’t the fact that it was unreachable, but that he wasn’t brave enough to reach for it.
And if it was only for him then he would have left it at that and never tried to open the box, but it wasn’t just about him. It was also about Buck. Buck was so patient with him, even though he was usually the most impatient person Eddie knew,and as a father of a teenager, that was saying something.
Buck looked miserable. He clearly felt out of place and confused, but still didn’t ask a single question. He was waiting for Eddie and Eddie was too much of a coward to end his misery.
Eddie had to focus. He was alone in his house with Chris at a sleepover. Usually Buck would be next to him, but since Eddie made it weird Buck was only doing things Eddie explicitly asked for and that was driving Eddie crazy.
He had to figure this out. He didn’t want Buck to call Tommy. Why?
Did his catholic upbringing leave a linger of homophobia in him that he wasn't aware of? But that wouldn’t make sense. He had no problem with Hen or Josh. Why would Buck be any different?
He tried to imagine Buck with Tommy or any other guy for that matter and it made him sick. Then again, the feeling was similar to what he felt when he thought about Taylor or Abby or even Natalia. He was overwhelmed with joy when Buck told him he and the death doula broke it off. Looking back, he was always happy when Buck’s relationships ended. What terrible best friend behavior on his part.
So, he hated Buck having partners, regardless of gender. It was just a threat to their perfect dynamic. He wanted Buck for himself, nothing wrong with that. They were perfect for each other. They understood one another, without having to say a word. Buck was already in his will and Chris loved him.
“It would be easier if I was just gay,” Eddie said out loud into the empty space surrounding him.
His whole body froze up immediately after. Flashes of Shannon, Ana, Marisol and all the girls who ever hit on him started floating through his mind. Were they ever really what he wanted?
Ana and Marisol were someone that would please his parents. A good mother to Chris, because Eddie convinced himself that Chris would never be satisfied with just him. Was he chasing something that was only for show, only so people would stop talking?
But he loved Shannon. He had to, she was his best friend, she gave him their son.
They were apart more than they were together and every time they were, they fought. But he loved her, he loved her so much. He loved being married to her.
But he wasn’t in love. He had no idea what it felt like to be, not until-
Blue eyes staring right into his soul. That big, goofy smile that had no right to melt his insides like that. The stupid, never ending facts that made him want to sit down and listen for the rest of time, just to hear the excitement in the most beautiful voice on this planet.
Buck.
His hands started to sweat and his heart was ready to beat out of his chest. He was in love with Buck. That's what it was. That was what the fluttering in his chest meant. That was the reason for the disgusting feeling inside of him every time Buck had a partner.
Jealousy.
Eddie was jealous and he had no right to be, because Buck wasn't his. Buck deserved a chance to be with someone who wasn’t a mess.
Eddie wasn’t even sure what these feelings meant for him. He tried to think about someone else, an attractive guy and he felt nothing. It was just Buck and Eddie had done too many selfish things in his life to subject Buck to this.
He had to talk to him.
***
Before he knew it, Eddie was opening the front door to Buck’s loft. He had no plan whatsoever. He had driven there on autopilot and didn’t prepare himself for what the sight of Buck would do to him.
Buck was standing confused in his kitchen with a spatula in his hand and looked absolutely adorable. Eddie’s heart had to get a grip, because there was a real threat of him having a heart attack if it kept beating this fast.
“You should call him,” Buck looked even more confused. Eddie didn’t blame him, since he blurted the words out without any context, “Tommy.” He clarified and Buck’s furrow deepened.
“What, why?” The other asked, putting the spatula down and making his way around the kitchen island.
“It’s not fair of me to ask you to not.” Eddie hated how weak his voice sounded.
“You still haven’t figured out the why? Is that it? Cause if it is, I don’t mind waiting ‘til you do.” Buck’s words were rushed and his voice genuine.
“No, Buck. Stop.” Eddie had to prevent Buck from convincing him that it was okay of him to act like he did. “I figured it out and I’m telling you to call him or not, just do whatever it is you want to do.”
There was silence and Buck was clearly choosing his next words wisely. Eddie hated that. Buck was known for just blurting out whatever it was he thought at any given moment. The fact that he wasn’t doing it now made Eddie nauseous.
“Can you tell me the why?” Buck’s voice was so small, it almost broke Eddie’s heart completely.
“No.” It pained him to deny Buck anything, but he knew that it was for the best.
“Eddie.” Buck took a step closer, but Eddie couldn’t have that.
“Buck, no,” He replied firmly, taking a step of his own to keep the distance between them.
“You promised.”
Finally Buck sounded mad. Eddie could deal with that. He preferred Buck’s anger over his sadness.
“I did not,” He replied, just to be difficult and fuel Buck more.
It backfired on him.
“Yes you did, you said you will tell me when you figure it out, Eddie. So come on, tell me.”
It turned out that Eddie lost his ability to keep things to himself when it came to Buck.
“Because I want you to call me!” It felt like the words were ripped out of him.
Buck was clearly not expecting that answer. He stood there stunned with no words falling from his beautiful lips, lips that Eddie would rather be kissing right now than staring at, but he couldn’t. Especially because his mouth was currently occupied with spilling everything, because apparently that was what he did now,his brain to mouth filter suddenly gone.
“Okay? That’s the why, that’s the reason.” His mind was screaming at him to stop talking, but once he started, there was no going back. “I don’t want you to call Tommy or anyone else for the matter ever again. I want you to call me and only me for the rest of our lives and that’s a fucking selfish thing for me to ask you. Because you just figured out this huge part of yourself and I immediately made it about me and you deserve to explore and I don’t even know what I am, you know? I tried to think about other men and it did nothing for me, but I also tried to think about women, even the ones I’ve been with. And apart from Shanon, who is another closed can of confusing emotions that I still refuse to deal with, there is only you, okay? Only you make me think that sort of way, you know? Like a kid-butterflies in the stomach, blush on my whole face when I see or think of you-kind of way. So I want you to call me, and I want to call you, but I already took too much of your time and you’re looking at me like a confused puppy which makes me want to kiss you even more, so I have to go and you need to call someone, because I can’t take it anymore and I’m not gonna lie, I’m going to hate it, but I will learn to live with it, so do it, okay? Rip the bandaid off and call someone.”
Eddie turned around with a heavy breath and a racing heart, but before he could reach for the doorknob to Buck’s front door he was stopped by the sound of his phone ringing. He took it out of his pocket and looked at the caller ID.
“Why are you calling me?” His voice was shaky as he turned around to face Buck again.
“Pick up the phone, Eddie.” Buck had a fond smile on his face that warmed Eddie’s fast beating heart.
“Buck,” He whispered weekly.
His eyes were already starting to fill with tears and he would rather break down in the privacy of his own car than here in front of his best friend.
“Pick up the phone.” Buck’s voice was pleading and Eddie was a weak, weak man, who was unable to refuse the other one anything.
He picked up the phone, not looking Buck in the eyes.
“I only want to call you.” Eddie’s gaze snapped up to Buck. “I think I wanted to call you since the first time I laid my eyes on you, but was too confused to realize. I want to call you every day for the rest of my life and never hang up and-”
“Shut up you absolute dork.” Eddie hung up and threw his phone, not caring where it landed. In three big strides he was in Buck’s space with the other man’s face in his hands and the biggest smile he had in a while.
He stopped mere inches from Buck’s lips to give the other space to pull back, but Buck clearly didn’t like that, if the annoyed grunt was anything to go by. The blonde closed the remaining space between them. Eddie sighed into the kiss and practically collapsed into Buck’s arms. He had no idea that kissing someone could feel like this.
He never felt more grounded, but at the same time he thought that he would float away. His lungs were screaming for air, but his lips felt like they would die without being attached to Buck. Every nerve ending was buzzing and his head was empty. He had never felt more free and it was all because of Buck.
***
If you asked Buck a few weeks ago what he thought was going through Eddie’s mind, he would have said that he would rather not think about it. He knew that Eddie was not homophobic and that he had to have a legitimate reason for not wanting Buck to call Tommy, but Buck was too scared to think about it too long.
He trusted Eddie and shortly after the realization that he was bi, came the one that he was completely in love with his best friend, so the fact that Eddie didn’t want him to call another man filled him with hope.
If you asked Buck what he thought, he would have said that he thought nothing, but that he was willing to wait for Eddie, however long it took.
When Buck was kissed by Tommy a few weeks ago he experienced a revelation that turned his world upside down. As he was now kissing Eddie, the love of his life in the very same spot, he felt his world being put back together and for the first time in his life all the pieces settled into their rightful places.
Evan Buckley has finally found what he was so desperately searching for his entire life. And it was most definitely worth the wait.