Chapter Text
“I’m leaving the 118”
Buck knows it isn’t personal, he knows Eddie is just doing his best to help Christopher. Somewhere in the bag of his head there is a small voice telling him, screaming at him, that all of this is his fault.
If he would have just stopped the bullet from hitting Eddie or better yet if he would have seen the bullet coming, he could have jumped in front of it, but no he wasn’t enough. So now Eddie is leaving the 118 and Buck knows it is because of him.
So he is dealing.
Every night he wakes up his heart beating a mile a minute, his sheets full of sweat. It isn’t important, he knows Eddie isn’t supposed to be in his house so he can convince himself, it takes time, but it works he convinces himself Eddie is safe. He obviously cannot see Eddie because Eddie is with Christopher.
He doesn’t go back to sleep.
The bags under his eyes grow deeper and darker. Nobody says anything, Buck doesn’t know if they don’t notice or just don’t care. If it’s the latter he cannot blame them. It is his fault Eddie isn’t working with them anymore.
Buck is dealing.
He goes to work, everyday. He helps the people, does everything he can to make up for his own mistakes. The work gets harder and harder, Buck grows more tired by the minute. He refuses to sleep. He has to keep it together, he can do that so long as he is awake he has control. Control of his thoughts and his actions, but when he closes his eyes all he can see is Eddie’s lifeless body in front of him, he feels the blood on his lips.
“Buck?”
He misses Eddie, the 118 isn’t the same without him there.
“Buck!?”
He snaps out of his thoughts, Hen is sitting on the couch opposite to him, smiling her motherly smile. “Sorry, what did you say?” Buck questions. Hen smile wavering a bit, Buck hates he is the cause of it.
“What has you so pent up, lost in thought.” Hen askes kindly. “Nothing” he lies. She narrowes her eyes at him, but doesn’t push further. “Why don’t you get some sleep?” is what she says instead.
“Not tired.” Buck answers, he wishes it was that easy, just lay down and sleep, but he knows it doesn’t work like that. Not for him.
“Come on Buckaroo, you’re basically a walking corpse. When was the last time you slept, and then I mean actually felt well rested after?” She says, after a beat she adds “we are worried about you.”
Buck, he cannot take it, her and everyone's sorry and worries, they should worry about him. He is the one that caused the mess to start with, always a disappointment. Buck is glad for the dimmed lights in the firehouse, he doesn’t want Hen to see his red rimmed eyes. So he flees, mumbles a quick apology to Hen saying she is right and heads to the bunkroom.
He collapses on the bunk farthest from the door, lets out a few tears, maybe a few quiet sobs. He doesn’t sleep he stares at the ceiling of the firehouse, minutes maybe hours pass he isn’t sure. When the bell rings he just gets up, jumpes in the engine and makes sure not to look anyone in the eye.
It’s a standard call not much for Buck to do, he doesn’t care. Buck just stands to the side lets Hen and Chim deal with the medical procedures and pretends not to notice the worried looks thrown his way.
It's the end of shift when they get back to the firehouse. He packs his stuff and is out of there as soon as he can. It would be unusual. Buck is always being the guy going for small talk not wanting to get home. How the tables have turned. Ever since the shooting Buck is the last one in and the first one to leave.
First so he could be there for Eddie and Christopher. Now just to get home as soon as possible so he can try and get some sleep.
Once he arrives home his phone pings, he needs to sleep, but doesn’t want to. He checks his notifications and sees Eddie messaged him, Buck immediately checks to see what it is. He needs to know if everything is alright, but then it is just Eddie asking Buck to hang out. Buck wants, he wants to go to Eddie’s house and hang out Christopher always makes him smile and making sure Eddie is alright doesn’t hurt either.
He just cannot, if he goes to Eddie's house, Eddie will see right through him. Eddie cannot see Buck not now, not when he is standing on the edge of being alright. Seeing Eddie, who is already moving on with his life, will make Buck feel even worse. So he declines the offer saying he already has plans, maybe another time. Whenever that happens.
Buck goes to sleep.
He is dealing.
Until he isn’t.
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Two days later he is back in the firehouse, after a long break. He tried to sleep, managed to get maybe five hours.
He is running on coffee, but it’s starting to feel like that's not enough. He still has 18 hours left of his 24 hour shift. They have had three calls so far. Luckily not really demanding a lot of energy from him. Still Buck can already feel his eyes getting heavier.
He cannot sleep, the risk is too high. The 118 cannot see he is falling apart.
Buck is left alone in the loft, the rest of the 118 are sleeping in the bunks downstairs, Bobby is in his office. Buck cannot sleep, but maybe he can just lay down, just rest his body a bit. He feels his eyes closing, but that is okay, he just cannot fall asleep. Just a few minutes closing his eyes and resting his body then he will get back up. It will be okay.