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Saeko's not sure how this happened.
One minute she and Akiteru are in the stands cheering their vocal cords hoarse at one of Karasuno’s home matches. Next thing she knows, the team is unwinding with nikuman and soft drinks post-game in Coach's conbini, high as soaring kites on their win, except with she and Akiteru trying to explain to these high schoolers the intricacies of the birds and the bees because apparently none of these jocky kids ever had a Reddit account and learned about it the easy albeit headache inducing way.
Anyway, the unlikely situation begins when young Hinata Shouyou, bless him, screams, "Get your mouth away from my juicebox, Kageyama! I don't wanna catch Chlamydia!"
From where he's sitting by the back door, Daichi begins to choke on his nikuman.
Kei just sighs, “Do you even know what Chlamydia is, Hinata?"
"Uh, the scientific word for cooties, right?” Shouyou shoves his rival slash partner slash teammate slash best friend's big blueberry head away from his precious juice. ‘Oi! Quit it already!"
"I'm pretty sure the long form for cooties is Conjunctivitis." notes Tobio, continuing to accost him even though they're in a literal conbini full of all the drinks he could ever want.
Kei grimaces. Deplores, "What on earth do you think Chlamydia is then?"
The setter shrugs. "A brand of juicebox?"
“Ewww!” Shouyou gags, and his aggressor seizes the opportunity to claim his prize. "NO–! DAMMIT KAGEYAMA–!"
"That can't be right… my great aunt Yoshiko in Yamagata died from Chlamydia back in the 70s." says Tadashi, ignoring his team mates tussling beside him. "And I'm pretty sure juice boxes weren't even invented back then."
"That's so sad." Hitoka sniffs back a tear. "I'm sorry for your loss."
"Thanks, Yacchan. I want to make her proud with my serves.”
“You will! You're doing great, Yamaguchi-san!”
“GET YOUR OWN JUICE!" Shouyou hollers, struggling to reclaim his beverage, "BUZZ OFF–”
"Or you'll what? Give my Chlamydia back?" Tobio snorts.
"Shut up! You're being insensitive to Yamaguchi's aunt!"
"His aunt died in the 70s! That's like over a hundred years ago!"
"Which is not that long ago!"
Nope.
Saeko can't sit through this nonsense quietly anymore.
See, the eldest Tanaka is rather confident when it comes to who she is and what she likes. That she’s a raging lesbian is no secret, but people still tend to assume she’s straight. As if the leather jacket, microbangs, and two blunt fingernails weren't an obvious indication.
Heteronormativity and all that bull, she supposes. Though she doubts that these baby high schoolers have ever heard that word in their sheltered suburban lives.
She looks left at her best friend Akiteru, who's more of a closet case than she is, and thumps him on the back. “Akiiiiii!”
“Ow,” he yelps, nearly spitting out his beer over the mini table Coach sat them at. “What?”
“Are you hearing this?!”
“Ukai's romantic background playlist? I'll admit it gives the store a weird vibe–"
"No not that– although I never woulda' pegged him for an Utada fan." she says, "I'm talking about these kids! Someone’s gotta educate them! How have they gone through a decade and a half of life thinking Chlamydia is a fruit juice? Do they even know what a condom is?”
“I mean, it's not like our conservative school curriculum taught us anything either.” Akiteru reminds her, “Oh god, health class flashbacks..."
“Tadano-sensei taught us jack shit!” Saeko agrees passionately, “Labelling the stages of pregnancy isn’t sex ed! I only learned what a penis looks like when we graffiti’d one on his car with white out back in second year and you had to peek down your pants for a reference image!”
“Sshhhh!” Akiteru leaps forward to cover her mouth, “Don’t let Kei hear about that!”
Saeko licks a stripe up his hand and he yelps, cradling it as if she’d burned him. What a dweeb (affectionate).
“Point is, I gotta take matters into my own hands.”
“Saeko–”
“I gotta.”
“You really don’t.”
"No, I do."
And then Shouyou bellows, “Men can’t have babies, Bakageyama!”
Saeko steels herself like a samurai before battle. She holds her metaphorical wooden bachi sticks just above the odaiko drum, then brings it down with all her might.
“ENOUGH!”
The commotion instantly stops, her presence as commanding as any resounding drum. “Do you hear yourselves? It's driving me off the wall! I can’t let you go the rest of your lives with so much wrong information about sex.”
At the word sex, Ryuu and Yuu who've been lounging in the corner with the other second years, start giggling like the children they are. She shoots her brother daggers, so he gulps and elbows his best friend in the ribs.
“I’m giving you kids a crash course on the birds and the bees.” Saeko declares, “That’s right, sit your tooshies down and listen up because you will not meet an adult so willing to teach you about this ever again. Time for sex ed with Saeko nee-san!”
She chances a glance at Keishin behind the counter. He's reaching for his cigarettes, communicating with his eyes, I am not helping you with this. You’re digging your own grave.
Akiteru looks equally horrified but he knows she’ll skin him if he dares try to escape.
Saeko clears her throat. “First of all, you can’t get pregnant by kissing with tongue, so jot that down.”
Hitoka pulls out a notebook from somewhere to do just that.
“Seriously, do you think every kiss you’ve seen on tv has resulted in pregnancy?"
"There'd be a lot more people in this world.” Tadashi notes.
“I only watch SportsSendaiBroadcast and Sunday morning anime.” comments Tobio, slurping the last of Shouyou's juicebox. "So I wouldn't know."
“Dumbass, there’s kissing in anime.” Shouyou retorts.
“Not in shounen there’s not.”
"Didn't Naruto and Sasuke–"
“You absolute imbeciles, that’s animation!” barks Kei.
“Listen to me carefully now." Saeko speaks up, "Pregnancy only happens when sperm from a penis enters a vagina and fertilizes an egg created by the uterus. And even then it’s not guaranteed. It is most effective when the uterus is ovulating. You can also artificially inseminate someone but that’s much more uncommon.”
“She said penis.” Yuu whispers to Ryuu, barely able to contain his laughter.
"Shut it, you two." threatens Daichi with a fist raised in warning.
At least the captain is on my side, Saeko thinks.
"If anyone has any questions now is the time to ask.” She glances around the room at each one of them. “There will be no judgment whatsoever. Promise.”
At first no one says a word, a feat perhaps never before accomplished with all of Karasuno VBC together in one small place. Prisoner of Love is playing louder than ever on Coach's speakers, Utada's voice dancing along to the extreme awkwardness.
Saeko waits with her hands on her hips until at last, Tobio raises his own and asks, “What about when two guys are together?”
The room remains quiet, like all the air has been sucked right out of it. But it's a relieved silence– an exhalation– as if everyone there was dying to pose a question but did not dream or dare to. Only Kageyama Tobio has zero social awareness and an unfortunate tendency to bluntness. Bless him.
"Great question. It's exactly the same." Saeko quips, "No difference whatsoever."
"But nee-san! Where would a dude stick it into another dude?"
"HINATA!" Daichi yelps, smacking the back of the poor kid's fiery head. "Have some tact!"
"Do you really not know?" Koushi asks his underclassmen with disbelief, "Think about it. Get creative." he wiggles his tiny gray eyebrows suggestively and it is no help at all.
"There are many orifices on the male body." states Ryuu, looking proud of himself for knowing that word. Saeko knows for a fact that Akiteru taught it to him.
"Orifices?"
"It goes up the butt, Hinata."
"I can't take this anymore." Kei laments, struggling to get up from the floor and escape the room. Tadashi has to hold him down by the ankles. "PLEASE let me go home! Nii-san?"
He aims what might be an attempt at puppy eyes toward his older brother, but he's not terribly successful, what with the perpetual RBF, and the fact that Akiteru owes Saeko personally for teaching her own brother the word orifice. Kei is going nowhere.
"Don't look at me." The elder Tsukishima cracks open another Sapporo.
“Sit down, Tsukki.” Tadashi insists.
“Ugh!”
Shouyou, meanwhile, is blushing right into his orange hair. "Doesn't putting things in your butt hurt?"
"Not with proper preparation.” Explains Saeko, “As in lots of lubricant and stretching. It can be very pleasurable as most men can have their prostate stimulated during penetration. But always be sure to douche first."
"I want to die." whines Kei, "Kami-sama please take me now."
“Don't be dramatic, Tsukki.”
“A certain boke is always a douche.” Shouyou mumbles.
Tobio scoffs back. "She meant douche as in the verb, Hinata."
"Well so did I!" he huffs.
"Then that makes no sense, 'cause I bathe every single day–"
Hitoka raises her hand. "Saeko nee-san, if I draw a diagram can you help me label it?"
"Of course, Yacchan."
Tadashi then pipes in, “Hey nee-san, before, why did you say 'someone with a penis?’ Why not just say men?”
“Not all men have penises, some people who aren’t men do too.” Saeko says.
A collective Ehhhhh? Can be heard from the young’uns. She decides to go back to the anime examples– they were receptive to those.
"Let me explain it this way. Who's watched Hunter x Hunter?"
Predictably, the first year's hands (minus Kei) shoot up.
"Tobio-kun, can you tell me who Alluka is?"
"Killua's sister." he answers, "Well, she was his brother first but then she became his sister."
"Exactly." says Saeko. And understanding seems to dawn on their faces.
"Doesn't that just mean Alluka is gay?"
"Not at all," Saeko steels herself for the questions that will follow what she says next. “Your sex and gender identity are completely different things. Along with the actual act, sex refers to your gender assigned at birth. Your gender identity is all about how you feel inside. It’s very personal and separate but not unrelated to your physical body. So someone with a penis could be a man, woman, or neither. Because the body and gender identity are separate things. Get it?”
Azumane, who has been quiet this entire time, raises his hand politely.
“Yes, Asahi-kun?”
“People who identify as a different gender are usually called transgender or X-gender here in Japan.” he shares, “I have a relative who prefers to be called that.”
“Hmm,” Tobio hums, chewing on his straw, "So Alluka is transgender but not gay, then?"
"Maybe she's gay? We don't really know. We just shouldn't assume based on her gender."
“Ooooh okay.”
“I think Killua is kinda gay for Gon.” says Shouyou.
“Totally.” says Tadashi.
The first years seem to be slowly getting it: Shouyou and Tobio are listening intently, occasionally nodding. Kei has this constipated look on his face and he keeps trying to escape but Tadashi’'s grip is iron clad. Hitoka is still taking notes, and highlighting them too.
Then there’s Ryuu and Yuu snickering in the back, with Daichi trying to keep them in check. Saeko appreciates his efforts. Azumane is red as a tomato, trying his damndest to blend into storage boxes he’s leaning against. Koushi appears as if he knows all this already, and if someone from Karasuno VBC does she’s not particularly surprised that it's him.
“How is that not just being gay?” Yuu wonders, not really getting it like the others have, probably because he's been too distracted giggling. That's alright, it's what Saeko nee-san is here for! Plus Yuu is her favourite friend of Ryuu's (he's just so spunky and cool!)
“Your sexual orientation has nothing to do with your gender identity.” She says again, elaborating this time. “It’s about what you’re attracted to. For example, my gender is woman. And my sexual orientation is lesbian– I’m attracted to people who identify as women, and sometimes those who identify as a different gender. I just have no attraction to men.”
Lesbian, mouths Hitoka, then she stares at Kiyoko, who hasn't looked up from her novel once, and blushes like mad.
Yuu hums with understanding. “So if you’re gay then it’s the opposite. You like other men, and sometimes others, as long as they don’t identify as women.”
“Correct. But there’s more than just gay and straight. There’s bisexual, asexual, pansexual, polysexual, and more. I wouldn't worry about labels too much because they can change very frequently. Just ask someone what they prefer."
“Poly– what?!” Shouyou gawps. “Polly pocket?!”
“You're a polly pocket.” Tobio flicks him on the forehead.
“STOP TORMENTING ME!”
“Or what, polly?”
“NOW I FEEL LIKE A PARROT!”
As is the natural course of events for this particular group of teens, the brief environment of learning dissolves into chaos again.
“X-Gender sounds like an X-man.” Yuu says to Azumane.
“It's… not.”
“I know. Sounds like it though.”
“Right.”
Saeko returns to Akiteru and his beer.
“Given up?” he asks, offering her the rest of his can.
“I'd say it was a success.” She accepts it with grace– as in, she chugs the remaining dregs back like the reward that it is. She put on a damn good show, as per usual.
“You know they're going to forget this entire evening tomorrow morning? Most of those boys have undiagnosed ADHD.”
“Maybe.” she sighs, wiping foam off her lips with her wrist, “But if even just one of them remembers something I taught them today I've ultimately succeeded.”
“You're gonna give Tadano-sensei a run for his money.” Akiteru laughs. “If he still has a job.”
“We should see if his Lexus is still in the staff parking lot.”
“Think the white-out penis is still there?”
“Let's go and check!”
Arm in arm, the pair pass the team's coaches on the way out. Ittetsu smiles, while his jaded conbini owning partner just nods in acknowledgement.
“Oi, you two.” he barks out as they pass. “On the house.”
He then tosses another steaming nikuman in their direction, expecting someone to catch it, except unlike everyone else in a ten meter radius these people are not and have never been superhuman volleyball players.
So it falls to the floor with a dull thud.
Ittetsu holds back a laugh. “Don't set it to them, Keishin!”
Saeko dusts the bun off with her hands. “Five second rule! Here, Aki, take half–”
“I'm good, thanks.”
“You're just like your brothers.” Keishin mumbles, putting out his cigarette to head back inside and supervise, lest the dozen or so teenagers he's responsible for accidentally smash his fridge door again.
Ittetsu follows after him. “Goodnight! Thanks for the support!”
“You can call on nee-san anytime!” Saeko salutes, the nikuman hanging out of her mouth. “And her trusty sidekick too!”
“I didn't actually do anything.” Akiteru mentions.
“Untrue, my friend.” she throws an arm over his shoulder, “Being my accomplice is more than enough.”
Turns out, Tadano-sensei's Lexus has been wiped clean of their juvenile delinquency. But that's okay– Saeko has a pocket knife now.
"I'm not giving you a reference image." Akiteru says, becoming a very different kind of accomplice that night regardless.
Tugging her best friend behind a bush to hide from Karasuno's security guard, Saeko thinks with pride,
At least the boys know what Chlamydia is now!