Chapter Text
After the events of the frozen amusement park he had kind of hoped that Etho and Bdubs would just forget about their little intervention, which was an unrealistic hope, but a hope nonetheless.
“So there’s this guy Tango has been complaining about at work–” Etho started as they were halfway through a game of Risk. Tango fought his urge to immediately start a physical fight he couldn’t finish by curling into a ball.
It only got worse from there.
As far as Impulse and Skizz were aware: Tango was a construction manager. He overviewed construction with large machines and dealt with annoying people all day, as well as specializing in coding and security for any building construction he managed. This was how he got away with complaining about things like large material costs, production times and people breaking into his lair. Therefore, there were only so many details they could give about the whole “Canary debacle”, as they called it, without outing as a villain, right?
They go on to explain that there was an OSHA inspector named Ken that constantly came around and nitpicked Tango’s work sites. This Ken, according to Etho and Bdubs, would only get on to the construction site to tell Tango off about beams being spaced too far apart or walls being put in wrong or aboyt seemingly unsafe working conditions and has Tango rebuilding or overmanaging things. Then, Tango would, apparently, purposefully do things wrong or offer Ken new safety checking gadgets, so Ken would have to come around and verbally tear Tango’s site apart, for the sole purpose of Tango getting mad and fighting with him. Impulse and Skizz listened to his poppy-cock with rapt attention, even going as far as to ask for clarifying questions every now and then.
Tango might very well ignore Wraith the next time he asks for help on a petty villain. If he wants to make a mess for Tango he can clean up his own.
Impulse hummed to himself, sitting up a little on the couch as he looked between Etho and Tango, contemplatively. He glanced over at Skizz with a smirk and Skizz had to cover his face with his hands has he was clearly holding down laughter. Tango felt it really wasn’t fair that the two of them could look at one another and have a conversation without any words. Those two, as well as Bdubs and Etho, were terribly great at silent communication. He should figure out how to read other people's minds like that. A mind-reading-ificator, perhaps.
“So, to be completely clear: Tango spends all his time thinking of new ways to trap this guy in conversations. He comes up with new problems for them to argue about and even creates tools to help the guy so he always has to come back and continue arguing. He continuously wants to see him again because… he hates him,” Impulse said slowly, his own smile growing as he did, looking to Bdubs and Etho for confirmation.
“Exactly!” Bdubs shouted, once again forgetting his inside voice. “It’s weird! No one spends that much time with someone they hate!”
Tango honestly took offense to that, but he had taken offense to everything so far so the most he could do was sputter. Impulse chuckled, nodding his head in agreement, “No, I agree, it’s weird he’d pull something like this with someone he hates. When it came to the last guy he hated, what was it- Scar? At your last job? You just set his desk on fire when he got you mad.”
Etho snorted at that, “I remember that. He was so pleased about destroying Scar’s meeting notes and cat calendar he didn’t even care that they had him escorted out the building by security after firing him. See, Tango, that’s the normal way to hate someone. You’re capable of it!”
Tango grumbled at that, opening his mouth to argue, but Impulse continued before he could, “Exactly, he’s very capable of showing how much he hates someone,” Impulse replied, holding for dramatic effect.
Skizz leaned forward, mischief in his eyes as he clearly knew what the other was about to say, “Let ‘em have it, Dipple Dop.”
All of them paused in confusion, even Bdubs clamping his mouth shut for Impulse’s next words. Tango felt pinpricks run up his neck as Impulse took his time, and he wondered vaguely if this was what Canary felt when something bad was going to happen.
“That’s why I don’t think our dear friend Tango hates this guy. I think it’s a crush.”
Pandemonium.
Tango’s living room broke out into more chaos than the last time they had tried to play Monopoly. Bdubs was shouting, mostly incoherent stuttering. Skizz was laughing, his entire body shaking as he was doubled over in his seat. Etho himself was trying to get a word in edgewise to try and convince Impulse that that was not the case, but somehow not making any actual points. Tango had actually stood from his seat now, hands waving around the air and making screeching sounds that were supposed to be sound arguments like, “That’s ridiculous! I hate him!” and “I think I would know the difference between a crush and despising someone, Impulse!”
Impulse just continued smiling as he leaned back himself, content to watch all of them make wildly indecipherable sounds and exclamations for a few minutes until they all finally realized nothing was actually being said.
They eventually quieted back down to have an actual conversation. Bdubs’s loud voice was the first to actually say something understandable, “Impulse, I can assure you, that Tango does not have a crush on this Ken guy. He’s terrible!”
“He’s not terrible,” Tango insisted before he could think not to, “But I do hate him! I hate him a lot! He keeps destroying my projects, Impy! There’s no way I have a crush on someone that is constantly harassing me.”
Impulse, despite the valid arguments, did not seem at all perturbed, “Then ask for a new agent. Make a complaint. You don’t have to keep interacting with him.”
How did no one understand this? It was about the principle! It was about the relationship! Sure, he could fight just about anyone, but most other heroes or rival villains didn’t care for the sanctity of banter or had the patience to hear his monologues. It wouldn’t be nearly as fun without a nemesis– without Canary.
“Yes, please, Tango, let me take care of it,” Etho cut in.
He groaned and collapsed back into his seat, “Bunch of goons! That’s what you are! Can’t even begin to understand the complexities and intricacies of our relationship!”
“He actually calls it a relationship,” Skizz piped up between laughter.
“What is going on with you two?! Honestly!” Bdubs shouted at him, though he was pretty sure it was hypothetical.
“I’m telling you guys, it’s a crush, he just can’t admit it,” Impulse continued, “Hey, Tango, what color are Etho's eyes?”
Well that was a random question. “They're, like, green?”
“They're blue!” Bdubs shouted at him like it was some great offense. Tango stuck his tongue out at him.
“And what color are Ken’s eyes?”
“They’re brown, like hot chocolate… and copper,” Tango answered half-heartedly, grimacing at the fake name. Canary was a much better name. “I don’t know what that’s got to do with my not crush.”
Silence. For some reason.
Everyone was staring at him, Skizz and Impulse with amusement and Etho and Bdubs with undisguised horror.Etho looked like something had clicked in his head and was just muttering, “No. No. No,” under his breath a million times over.
“Goodness sake,” Bdubs breathed out, eyes bugging out of his head.
“Oh, he’s got it bad,” Skizz chuckled, leaning over to elbow Impulse’s side, who just laughed in response.
His brow furrowed as he looked between them all. “What? What??”
“Nothing! Nothing at all,” Impulse replied, “You say you don’t have a crush, you don’t have a crush. Maybe we should just, y’know, continue the game for now. We can circle back to Tango’s “not crush” later.”
And, surprisingly, they did just continue the game. Well, Tango and Bdubs tried to make a few more shouting arguments, but no one else wanted to hear it. So, yes, they went back to playing Risk and shouting about that instead.
As night went on it was became more and more obvious that he was the only one certain it wasn’t a crush. Sure, fine, he could see why Impulse and Skizz wouldn’t be convinced the particular feelings he had for the guy that infuriated him wasn’t a crush. It wasn’t like they hadn’t seem him absolutely destroy civilians (in a metaphorical sense) for petty slights, so him being “obsessive” over this dude may seem like a crush to them. But Etho and Bdubs should know better! Yes, their own lack of nemeses made it hard for them to understand his and Canary’s relationship, but they actually knew the truth on how he knew the guy. Canary was a hero! He was a villain! They fought each other with fists and stuff! His need to get one over the other wasn’t some crush in disguise! It was a means of keeping his villainary interesting.
Which is exactly what he was thinking as he entered another fight with Canary just a week and a half later.
He used the anger from Board Game Night to fuel his current project. The Moodificator was a giant cloud maker. It would pump tons of water into the sky above the city, making the sky turn dark with angry clouds. Said clouds would be filled with a diluted chemical compound that would slowly begin to irritate the general public, making them irrational and moody. People would just start arguing with one another over petty problems. It would honestly be really fun to watch.
Canary was easily captured, he had crashed through the exact same window he always did and landed in the same spot, allowing the trap to spring around him.
As much as he hated the nickname Etho and Bdubs had given the Canary, he couldn’t help but let it inspire the current trap. When Canary hit the target the box sprung around him. Each side was a metal sheet painted in bright pink with yellow bird decals decorating it. All sides except for the front, which had a reinforced glass full sized window (with a couple holes poked in top in bottom so he could breath of course). It was basically a big doll box, but inescapable.
Clearly, Canary didn’t appreciate the humor as much as he did. He was glaring at him through the mask, copper colored eyes shining in the sun and blonde hair ruffled. He didn’t know why Impulse got smug about him knowing “Ken’s” eye color, he got a good look at them every time he had him trapped for his monologue.
“Do I even want to know what you have here?” Canary asked, crossing his arms.
“What I have here is my moodificator! You see, most recently my friends made fun of me for having–” Tango stopped dead, realizing he had written the entire monologue about his friends making fun of him for just this. He was not going to tell the Canary that his friends thought their relationship was weird, he didn’t want to give the guy any ideas like Impulse had. Canary thinking he had a crush on him? Yeah, no, that’d be weird and embarrassing. “They were making fun of me for uh.. yelling at them when I was in a bad mood. They said I was being unreasonable! Which I was not! You see…”
He stuttered through a new improvised monologue, growing more upset as he did and even beginning to flick on the machine before Canary could properly start escaping. This was really all Impulse’s fault, and when everything blew up in his face this time around he was sure to blame him for it.
“...And that is why I have the moodificator. This will create a terrible black cloud of bad vibes over the city that will make everyone start to get mad at one another and argue! They’ll be so upset with one another they won’t even notice me taking over the city until it’s too late! That’ll really show them. Stupid jerks and their stupid jerky faces–”
He had his hand on the final lever, just had to push it up and the machine would go off. He growled to himself as he hesitated, something wiggling in his mind that it was too easy . It wasn’t even that the machine couldn’t be turned off once it was on, it was that he was waiting for Canary, and wasn’t that something if he really thought about it. Wraith would probably.. do something if he was in his position.
“Erm, Blaze? You alright there?” Canary asked, that confused lilt in his voice.
“What? can’t get out?” Tango asked back, turning to the trap.
His heart stuttered a moment. Canary was leaning against the glass, pouting . His big, brown, shining eyes were staring at him with betrayal. It in no way made Tango want to let him go, but it did make his cheeks light up with warmth.
“Don’t be mean, Blaze. It’s not my fault you made such a good trap this time! I was just wondering if you wanted to talk about it. You’re not usually this upset when you’re about to set off one of your -ificators,” Canary continued, “I feel like this goes a little deeper than just uh… being a super villain.”
Tango looked between Canary and his machine. He stepped away from it with a sigh, the motor inside rumbling on. It would slowly burn away the diluted chemicals inside, rendering the plan a complete dud in about an hour. “Yeah, something like that. There’s um… Not to get too personal, my friends mean well, but they think I have this crush on this guy and I don’t . Really, I don’t know what they’re thinking! Like, apparently I act weird around him, but we just have this- this relationship that’s- it’s- well, I can’t really tell you , but it’s very specific! It’s just they've been frustrating me, y’know?”
Canary’s brow furrowed, looking even more confused. “Well, that’s interesting for sure. And you’re definite you don’t have any interest in this guy?”
“I don’t! In fact, he infuriates me!” Tango exclaimed. Though, if he was going to be honest, Canary hadn’t infuriated him in ages. Annoyed? Sure. Inspired? Surprisingly. Motivated? Most definitely. He hadn’t been this happy with his work in years, even knowing it was going to get destroyed in spectacular ways.
“Well then you probably don’t have a crush,” Canary shrugged, “You’re friends may know you pretty good, but you’re gonna know yourself the best.”
“Thank you!” Tango shouted, nodding his head. “You get it.”
“Why do your friends even think you like this guy anyways?” Canary asked, head tilted to the side.
Tango tried his best to explain the situation to Canary without intimate details, which was the hardest and easiest thing he’s ever done. For one, he kept slipping up and revealing a bit more than he wanted, but Canary wasn’t picking up on the fact he was talking about him just yet. He did almost say the word nemesis and bit his tongue pretty hard for it. Even oblivious, Canary would know Tango was talking about him in a heartbeat if he referred to his “not crush” as his nemesis. They were in a mutual monogamous nemesis-ship afterall.
It was probably around the hour mark, when Tango’s machine began to power off on it’s own, the fuel running out, that he realized Impulse might have had the teensiest of points.
It was when he offered to get Canary some coffee and cake while they talked that he really started to understand why Bdubs might have been so distraught.
It was about two hours in when they were still just talking, the trap’s door cracked from when he had opened it to hand Canary the coffee, and he could feel something fluttering and flapping in his stomach when Canary leaned back to laugh and had this big bright grin on his face– That was when he realized he was absolutely and totally fucked.
At some point Parrot came barreling in and Tango had to actually let Canary go for real. Parrot gave Canary a weird look when he saw the unlocked trapped and fairly unscathed person. While it certainly wasn’t the first time Canary had stuck around a little longer than necessary, it definitely was the first time they had spent that much time just talking to one another.
Tango felt his cheeks heat up with embarrassment as Parrot sent the questioning stare his way. He looked away quickly and waved them off as he started cleaning up his mess. It would take him a few hours to dismantle the whole -ificator at this point, probably would have been easier to let Canary (or Parrot) press the Self Destruction button.
The two heroes walked out the door of the warehouse. He watched them going with a growing pit of nerves in his stomach. He had a brand new mission it seemed, one that was going to be the hardest one yet:
Trying to woo the Canary.