Chapter Text
The buzzing in Nick’s ears drowned out the loud chatter in the room as he sat and stared at the empty worksheet in front of him. He was in the Year 12 assembly and they had all been asked to fill out boxes related to their ‘Future’. While Sahar, Otis, Sai, and Christian had been writing and chatting for the last half hour, Nick’s page was still blank. The ‘Family’ bubble was easy……that was his Mum, Nellie, and Charlie (David and his dad could fuck right off). As for ‘Education’ and ‘Career’, no matter how long he stared at the paper, his mind was a wasteland. He really had no clue.
He and his mum had always spoken about uni as a given, the next logical step after Sixth Form on his way to adulthood and eventual success. He and Charlie had done the same, always making the assumption that he would go away to uni, Charlie would be left behind for a year, and then Charlie would also go to uni. It never crossed Nick’s mind that there was any deviation from this time-honoured path. But as this stark white sheet of blank boxes seemed to burn into his retinas, he was at a loss for how to proceed.
He’d chosen his A levels - Psychology, Biology, Geography and Physical Education - because they were the ones he was most interested in, of those he felt he had a good chance of actually passing. His choices weren’t really to do with any potential careers he had in mind. He supposed that everyone expected him to choose a uni based on their rugby team, and the course choice was secondary. He’d overheard several of his teammates speculating that he could go pro, if he really wanted to. The last year of coming out while captaining the school team had dulled his enthusiasm for the game a bit, though. Coach Singh tolerated no discrimination and Harry had been more or less cut off at the knees after offending one too many classmates with his bullshit, so it’s not like it had been horrible. He just had more than his enjoyment of, and natural talent for, the game as factors to consider these days.
Nick’s number one factor was simple…….Charlie. His beautiful, cheeky, brilliant boyfriend who had turned Nick’s world completely upside down. Nick’s day started and ended with texts with Charlie and his favorite parts of the school day were form and lunch, when he spent his time with his boyfriend. Nick was aware that basing your whole future on a secondary school relationship was ridiculous and risky, but no one who knew Nick and Charlie thought that they were your average teenage romance (besides Charlie's mum). He wasn’t ready to say it out loud, but Nick was certain to his very core that Charlie was his forever.
So here he sat, with the map of his future blank and taunting him. He really didn’t know what he was doing.
~~~~~~
A few months later, Nick and Charlie were lounging on Nick’s bed with a movie playing on the laptop, completely ignored by both boys who were too busy snogging to watch. Charlie absolutely loved the weekends. He spent as many hours at the Nelson house as his overbearing mother would allow. Charlie felt safe and loved there, with Sarah’s kindness, Nellie’s and Henry’s snuggles, and his super hot boyfriend’s utter devotion. It was an added bonus that Sarah let them close the door to Nick’s room, giving Charlie a feeling of freedom that he never felt in his own home or at school. They were allowed to just be .
When Sarah called them down for tea, Nick popped to the loo and Charlie closed the movie window, which left Nick’s browser on the screen. It was open to the UCAS website, with University of Leeds info displayed. A knot formed in his stomach, as it always did any time Nick or their Year 12 friends mentioned uni. He loved Nick more than anything and of course he wanted Nick to be happy and successful. But he’d be lying if he said he was happy about the prospect of Nick being so far away and him being stuck at Truham alone.
Nick had mentioned staying in Kent for uni, to be close to Charlie, but this made Charlie feel like he was holding Nick back. They’d talked about it a few times, but it upset Charlie so much that the conversation didn’t usually last long. He hated feeling like a burden and that his insecurities, and probably co-dependency, were keeping Nick from pursuing what he really wanted. He tried to be excited and supportive, he really did. But he was pretty sure Nick saw right through him (as always) and knew how much it was bothering him.
These were the times Charlie really, really wished he and Nick were in the same year.
~~~~~~
The closer the deadline approached to make his uni choices, the more panicked Nick felt. He had spent hours and hours over the last several months looking at information about many universities, but still had gained no clarity. Without knowing which career he wanted to pursue, it was impossible to make a choice based on which university had the course that he would need to take.
Every scenario he pictured filled him with melancholy and stress. If he went far away, he would miss Charlie and his mum so much he wasn’t sure he could stand it. If he stayed and went to Kent, he would be near Charlie. But no matter how much he told himself it wasn’t true, it did feel a bit like settling for the safe and easy option. Wasn’t uni a time to expand your horizons and try new things? Could he really do that if he was still living at home and the only thing that changed was not seeing Charlie at school during the day? UGH, why couldn’t he and Charlie be in the same year and be making these decisions together?!
With only two weeks remaining before the UCAS deadline, Sarah brough it up once again at dinner. Nick had not had the best day at school, doing poorly on a surprise maths quiz and having rugby practice in the pouring rain. Between that and his ongoing frustration with his own indecision, he was short and brusque with his reply.
“Mum, I have no idea! I don’t know what I want to study. I don’t know where I want to go. I haven’t got a clue about anything!” he said, followed by an aggravated growl.
This was so out of character for her sweet, mellow boy that Sarah was taken aback. She responded in her soft, caring way, “Nicky, I had no idea you were so stressed out about this. Do you want to talk about where your head is at about this? You know I’d love to help.”
Nick’s forehead thudded onto the dining table and he let out a big sigh. He took a few deep breaths before he raised his head and looked at his mum. Sarah should have noticed the tension in his shoulders and the dark circles under his eyes sooner, and kicked herself a bit for not paying enough attention. Nick was always so mature and easygoing, she sometimes forgot that he was still technically a kid and sometimes still needed her.
The deep breaths seemed to have helped and Nick started talking in a normal tone. “Like I said, Mum, I just have no idea how to make this decision. I’ve looked at dozens of unis with probably a hundred different courses and I just haven’t found anything that speaks to me. All my friends are talking about what they want to study and where they want to go and it just makes me feel so lost.”
“Well,” Sarah gently said, “you know that what other people do doesn’t determine your course of action. I know it’s hard when you’re not in the same place as your friends, but you need to do what’s right for you.”
Nick let out a frustrated groan before he responded. “I know that, Mum. It’s just hard when everyone I know seems to have more of a clue than I do.” He paused and Sarah waited for him to collect his thoughts. “I don’t know what I want to study, so looking at the best courses for that field doesn’t work for choosing. The only thing I can look at is location, and I’m so torn about that. I really don’t want to leave Charlie, and I know he’s worried and upset about that possibility, no matter how brave a face he puts on. Going further away is appealing for the novelty and the adventure, but going far away to study…whatever random thing...seems like a poor choice. Not to mention spending so much money for me to figure myself out on the fly. I don’t want to let anyone down and I feel like any decision I make will hurt someone.”
Sarah used the silence that followed Nick unloading all the worries he’d been carrying to formulate her thoughts into words that would hopefully be helpful.
“Nicky, I’m sorry that you’ve been so worried about this and that I didn’t notice the stress you’ve been under. I want you to know that I will love and support you, no matter what you choose. You won’t be letting me down with any decision you make, so please take that out of your head now, yeah?”
“Yeah, OK, I’ll try,” Nick said quietly.
“I know that we’ve always talked about you going to uni like it was inevitable, but that isn’t the only choice. You could go to a college or culinary school. Or you could take a gap year to figure things out. Then you and Charlie would be going to uni at the same time. If you got a job, you could save up some money to help with uni. Maybe food for thought? You still have a week to think about it, honey.”
Nick was looking at his mum with his mouth slightly open and a glazed expression. His mum had blown his mind a little with these possibilities. He had never really considered any path other than uni. This was definitely going to take some deep thought.
~~~~~~
The Paris Gang was gathering at Nick’s house that weekend to catch up and watch (or pretend to watch) a film. Just being around their wonderful group of friends was a comfort to both Nick and Charlie. From Tao being offended at the disparaging comments about his movie choice, to Darcy throwing Monster Munch at people, to Tara and Elle painting everyone’s nails, and Isaac with his nose in a book, it just felt like home .
Nick and Charlie were snuggled up on the sofa under a fuzzy blanket, alternating between staring lovingly into each others’ eyes and watching the buzz of activity around them. They were both quiet, more than normal, but they were reveling in the closeness after a long, challenging week. Nick had been wound tight with his uni worries and Charlie had had several rows with his mum about stupid things, so a quiet cuddle surrounded by their favorite people was just the thing.
Halfway through the movie, Tara and Elle started talking about their uni choices, which both had finalized in the last couple of days. Tara had been looking at dance courses all over the country and had settled on Bristol, while Elle had targeted a design and fashion course near London. Sahar chimed in with her decisions for history courses in Manchester. Darcy had decided that uni was not for her and was looking at colleges and apprenticeships, in the same locations as Tara’s top choice. She was thinking of learning carpentry and woodworking.
Inevitably, attention turned to Nick and Tara asked what he had chosen. Nick felt Charlie stiffen slightly in his arms, and his nerves started to vibrate. He was so tired of this question. “Um….” he started. “I’m still thinking about it and haven’t decided yet.”
Elle, ever the mum of the group, reminded him of the deadline. (Like he didn’t already know!)
“Yeah, I know,” he replied, trying to keep his voice even. “I’m sure it will come to me soon.” To change the subject and redirect what was, probably unreasonably, feeling like an inquisition, Nick turned to Tao and asked him a purposefully silly question about the movie that no one but him was paying any attention to. It had the desired effect of Tao launching into an impassioned rant about true art versus commercial rubbish, which earned him a Monster Munch to the face. From there, conversation veered in other directions.
Charlie had been silent through this whole exchange and was looking down at his lap with his hands in his jumper sleeves. He wasn’t outwardly acting upset, but Nick could feel the tension in his shoulders and see the thin set of his lips.
“Hey,” Nick said softly so they wouldn’t be overheard, “are you OK? You’re awfully quiet," and pressed a gentle kiss against Charlie’s temple.
It took a few moments, but Charlie finally met his eyes. The mesmerizing blue crystal eyes were a little shiny, but Charlie was obviously schooling his expression.
“Yeah, I’m OK,” Charlie said in the same quiet tone. “I just don’t have anything to contribute to the conversation since I still have another year before I have to deal with all that.”
Nick really didn’t know what to say, so he kissed Charlie’s cheek and snuggled him closer in his embrace. There was an urgency in his voice when he whispered, “I love you more than anything, you know, my beautiful boy.”
~~~~~~
Two days later and the deadline had finally arrived. Nick had thought of little else since his conversation with his mum the week before. He had Googled vocational colleges and culinary schools, looked at the UCAS site more times than he could count, read endless articles, and watched many YouTube videos on uni choice. At dinner that evening, he took a deep breath and finally told his mum what his thoughts had been distilling into.
“Mum, if you’re sure you’re alright with it…I think I want to take a gap year.” He looked at his mum with trepidation and waited for her response. It came immediately with a loving smile and a kind, encouraging voice.
“I am totally OK with that, Nicky! I know you’ve put a lot of thought into this decision and I support you in whatever you do. I think it’s mature that you’ve identified several good reasons to wait and not just gone along with what everyone expects. I love you so much, darling. Come here!” She pulled him in for a trademarked Nelson hug, which was widely known to be the cure for any number of ailments, including relief at a long carried burden being lifted from shoulders.
~~~~~~
Nick: hey, can you go for a walk with me and the dogs tonight?
Charlie: have to finish this maths worksheet first
but maybe in half an hour?
if that’s not too late?
Nick: that’s perfect <3
want me to pick you up or
meet at the park?
Charlie: pick me up
so more time with you 😉😘
Nick: sounds good
see you soon, love ❤
Exactly 30 minutes later, Nick was walking up the path to the Spring house. Before he had a chance to ring the bell, the door opened and his boyfriend launched himself at Nick for a tight hug. Nick pulled back in order to give Charlie a sweet, gentle kiss.
“Hello, Char. Good to see you too!” he teased.
They made idle chit chat as they walked to the park, stopping frequently for one or both dogs to sniff something important. Charlie told Nick about his drum practice and the difficult piece he’s been trying to learn. Nick told Charlie about the practical joke Christian played on Otis after rugby practice, which Charlie had missed for a dentist appointment, that had the whole changing room laughing. Once they got to their favorite bench, they let the dogs roam around and sat with their hands entwined.
“So,” Nick started, “today is the UCAS deadline.”
Charlie let out a noncommittal hum with his eyes directed at the ground.
“And my final choice was…” Nick declared as he saw Charlie’s jaw tighten. “Nothing.”
A long beat and then Charlie’s head snapped up and he looked at Nick in confusion. “What? What do you mean "nothing"?”
“After a lot of thought and talking with Mum, I’ve decided to take a gap year and go to uni next year. Hopefully with you.”
Charlie’s mouth was hanging open and he was frozen in shocked surprise for several long seconds. The only thing he said was “Oh my GOD!” before straddling Nick’s lap in the middle of a public park and pulling him in for the tightest hug Nick thought they’d ever shared.
For the first time in almost a year, Nick felt totally at peace and knew he'd made the right decision.