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Not every story has a happy ending. Or at least not one that includes you and me.
She never thought she’d get here.
She lives in a house in DC, not an apartment. She let her hair grow naturally grey, unafraid of how the word may perceive her for it. She no longer seeks her mother’s validation. She has her BAU family, past and present and she’s accomplished the one thing she thought she never would; Section Chief Emily Prentiss.
She’s spent most of her career being called reckless, a ticking time bomb, unethical, even. Her higher ups hated her ability to stand up for herself and her team without fear of the consequences. She never doubted her abilities as a leader of the BAU and she fought tooth and nail to keep the unit alive. And it’s finally paid off.
It happened during the June of 2022, that’s when she got the call from the Director that he wanted to talk to her. At first, especially after everything that had been going on in the past couple of years -with transfers, losses and departures- she thought that he was either going to fire her or shut down the Behavioral Analysis Unit. But then he told her to have a seat, to not worry.
“Prentiss, you can relax, I didn’t call you here for a bad reason.” She audibly sighs when the words leave his mouth.
“Then may ask what this meeting is about? I’m sorry for my rudeness, but we’ve got a case that I need to get on first thing in the morning.” She explains after sitting down across from her superior.
“Then allow me to make this brief.” He starts, leaning forward and resting his forearms on the desk, his hands intertwined. “The Section Chief job is yours, only thing left is for you to say yes.”
She has to blink several times before the words register in her mind and a contained smile appears on her face. “Sir, I’m incredibly honored.” She starts, still in shock. “Um, can I think about it?”
“Of course, you have by the end of the week.” She nods, shakes his hand and leaves his office, her contained smile turning into a full on grin.
And here she was now, in her favorite baby blue dress, hair slicked back in a tight low ban with her curtain bangs framing her face. She is looking at herself in the mirror and she still can’t believe this is happening. She’s let herself be miserable for so many years, she’s allowed herself to ‘settle’ but finally she does things that aren’t settling, they are meant to be.
She is happy, happier than she’s been in a long while. Which is why, the moment she decided she would accept the job, she texted her family, inviting them all to her new house for a dinner party.
Emily: Everyone, I’ve got news. Or new tea, as PG would say.
PG: Well, spill it!
Derek: Calm down, babygirl. Prentiss, what’s up?
Tara: Am I the only one that every time Emily’s got news I get worried?
JJ: Nope
Rossi: no.
Luke: Let the woman talk!
Emily: Thank you Alvez, as your new Section Chief, you’ll be the first to get a raise.
Emily keeps staring at her phone when a couple of minutes pass and no one has answered her. And then there is an onslaught of texts coming through, one right after the other.
PG: OMG! Congratulations! We are so celebrating!!
Morgan: Always knew you’d make it, princess. Congrats!
Tara: Finally, it was well overdue. Congratulations, Em!
Rossi: Congratulations, Emily. Dinner at mine? Krystall says we must.
JJ: Congratulations, Chief Prentiss ;)
Luke: Thank you, Chief. Congrats!
That was over a week ago and after a long argument with Rossi, she decided to do both a promotion party and a housewarming one since the house hadn't been lived in for more than a couple of months. He reluctantly agreed, but only because he would do anything to see his pseudo-daughter smile and actually mean it for a change.
So tonight, they are having the party at her house. The backyard is ready, the food -that she had catered after Rossi’s insistence due to her last, and failed, attempt to cook- is ready and she is definitely ready. She knows that Dave and Krystall will arrive at eight sharp, like clockwork, and she rushes downstairs, keeping them waiting only a few seconds because stiletto heels aren’t for running down a flight of stairs.
“Hey, welcome!” She greets them with the widest of smiles, hugging both of them as they make their way inside the house.
“Congratulations, Emily.” Krystall says, hugging her tightly. “When Dave told me I was so happy and relieved. You deserve it and I know for a fact you’ll keep my man’s ship safe.”
Emily chuckles leading them to the living room. “Thank you, Krystall. I promise, I will.”
They sit down, she pours a glass of wine for Krystall and Rossi’s scotch and the night starts like that, with everyone soon arriving baring gifts and warm wishes. She is glad to see Morgan, along with a very pregnant Savanah, after so many years of them not sitting down for even a cup of coffee. Last to arrive is JJ, who rings the doorbell twice before Emily can answer.
“Emily, I’m so sorry I’m late!” She apologizes while hugging the silver haired woman, her friend. “Mike refused to go to bed and it was all one big mess-”
Emily hugs the blonde, possibly the love of her life, back. “It’s okay.” She reassures her. “Come on, everyone is in the living room.” She places her hand gently on JJ’s back and shows her the way to their friends.
And as they walk, their heels clicking on the brand new floors, she can’t help but stare at that Angel of a woman walking right beside her. Her blonde hair lying on her shoulders in loose waves, her blue eyes sparkling and her lips painted a nude pink wearing a black suit with a red shirt underneath, complimenting her body so greatly.
She has to force herself to look away and it hurts beyond the emotional pain. It hurts her physically, the distance she has to put between herself and JJ. She’s spent years looking at her from afar, admiring her laugh, her smile, that little smirk she has on her face when she knows something other people don’t. It’s torture for her to work side by side with the woman she’s loved for sixteen years and yet have to watch her fall in love with someone else and build a home with him.
She’s spent years hating herself for even entertaining the thought of confessing her feelings to the blonde. She still hates herself, the tiniest bit, because she still entertains the thought. Because at the end of the day, every fling, every relationship, every man she’s rejected, it all comes back to one simple reason; none of them was her.
None of them can be compared to the beauty and grace that is Jennifer Jareau. And, despite having taken her a long time to admit it to herself, none of them ever will. Not Ian, not Mark and no matter how much she wanted him to, not even Andrew.
“This isn’t working.” She says after yet another night of them fighting.
She had moved all the way to Denver to be happy with a man she thought she loved and yet blue eyes and blonde hair kept chasing her around and she simply couldn’t escape them.
Andrew sighs as he sits down on the bed, looking at Emily pacing up and down. “Emily, you know I’m gonna need a better explanation than that.” He says calmly. “I’ll respect your decision, but I also deserve an explanation.”
And she looks at him, so kind and loving and respectful and she cannot fight the tears that well up in her eyes. She shakes her head, she bites her lip, she looks up at the ceiling and yet they still fall down her face, wetting her still growing gray hair.
“I’m in love with someone else.” She admits, her voice breaking. “And nothing has ever happened between me and them and nothing ever will but it won’t work because you will never be them. You or anyone else. And I’m sorry, Andrew, I’m so sorry.” She cries, her sobs leaving her chest aching and her legs giving out on her.
He stands up and takes her in his arms, concerned, because he’s never seen her like this. “Emily, come here, sit down.” And he guides her at the edge of the mattress, holding her close. “It’s okay.” He tells her.
She shakes her head against his chest. “It’s not, Andrew. I love you so much but I am not in love with you and I hate myself for it.” She admits. “Because you are this incredible guy, so sweet and caring, an incredible father and a part of me wanted to deserve you, wanted to fall for you, but-” she can’t bring herself to finish that sentence.
He strokes her hair, kisses the top of her head and he keeps repeating that he understands. “Emily, I get it. The part of you that so desperately wanted to fall for me will always be devoted to him. It’s okay.” He tries to sooth her. “I still love you and I know you still love me.”
She shakes her head again. “You won’t love me if I tell you who it is.”
Andrew chuckles. “Unless you are related to him, I don’t think I will.” He attempts to lighten up her mood and it works because Emily lets out a chuckle before removing herself from his arms slowly.
She wipes away her tears and looks in his eyes. “Andrew… it’s not a him.” She says. “It’s a her that you know, even like.” He is shocked, for sure, but Emily keeps searching in his eyes for that hate she feels herself and she can’t find it.
He sighs. “Well, I certainly cannot compete with that.” He tells her, taking her hand in hers. “I mean, women.” He says the word in awe. “You are so beautiful and delicate and graceful. If it was a guy, well maybe. But with a woman? Yeah, I probably look like a caveman compared to her.” And it’s the way that he playfully smirks at her that makes her wrap her arms around his neck and settle in his embrace.
“I really do love you, Andrew.” She whispers against his neck. “And I wish I didn’t love her.”
“I know, Em. I know.” He replies, his hands drawing circles on Emily’s back.
She sniffles. “You are a really good guy, you know that?” She says, chuckling as she wipes away more tears with the sleeve of her blouse.
He shrugs. “I try.” He smiles back after he says it and looks at Emily’s eyes lighting up a sliver. “You’ve never admitted that out loud, have you?”
“Which one, that I am in love with her or that I may possibly be a lesbian?” She scoffs.
Andrew shakes his head. “Either. I mean, how long have you been in love with her?”
Emily sighs, sitting back down and trying to do the math. “Sixteen years.” She tells him. “Since the moment I saw her. I tried to shake it off, I tried to make it go away, I tried to fall in love but found myself failing miserably.”
He puts his hand on her cheek, caressing it with his thumb, knowing how much she loves that particular gesture. “Emily, I want you to know that I’m not mad, I’m not bitter and I definitely have no hard feelings, okay? With you, I was the happiest I have ever been and even though I may not have been the same for you, the memories were still good ones.”
Emily nods, more tears welling up in her eyes. “I was happy with you, too. But my mind and even my heart may have been in it, while my soul was screaming a different name and I was dreaming of a different life. I’d understand if you hated me. I hate myself just as much.” She admits, letting out a self deprecating chuckle.
He shakes his head. “Emily, I’m raising a teenage girl and if I want one thing for her is for her to stay true to herself. Never hate yourself for being who you were supposed to be all along.”
She takes his palm in her hand and she kisses it, her eyes never leaving his. He pulls her in for another hug and they stay like this till it’s morning, none of them able to drift off to sleep, or call into work.
But she smiles through it all, because at least now she knows. She knows that her mind, her heart, her soul, her very being weren’t meant for a man. They were meant to be taken care of by a woman’s soft and delicate touch. And it could never be Jennifer Jareau, that she knew, but at least knowing the problem, she might be able to get past it.
They sit down, all together -except for Savanah and Derek who left early- in Emily’s backyard after having dinner, all of them sipping their poison of choice and aimlessly chatting.
“God, I wish Reid and Matthew were here to celebrate with us.” Emily says after a while. “I miss brainiac.” She chuckles.
“Speaking of missing people…” Penelope starts and Emily can already tell where this conversation is heading. “Where is that sweet desert of yours, Mr. Andrew Mendoza?”
Emily smiles at their former technical analyst, taking a sip of her wine just to keep the bubbly blonde at the edge of her seat. “Me and Andrew ended it a few months ago. We are still great friends, we talk to each other once a week and I love him so much. But we didn’t want the same things.” She shrugs, the rim of her glass becoming an extension of her lips at this point.
“Emily,” JJ starts, her eyes filled with concern, “why didn’t you say anything? We would have been there for you.” She says, putting her hand on Emily’s bare arm.
The newly appointed Section Chief clears her throat and repositions herself in her chair, effectively getting JJ to take away her hand. “Well, it was something that I needed to deal with on my own.”
“Em-” Penelope tries, but Emily hold up her hand.
“Let me?” Everyone nods. “I said me and Andrew ended it because we want different things, but we actually wanted the very same thing.” When everyone frowns, aside from Tara, she smiles and with an exaggerated hand gesture she tells them what she told Andrew months ago. “I’m a lesbian.” She announces. “Gay, queer, a raging homosexual, call it what you want. Andrew said one thing to me, ‘stay true to yourself’ and I am. So, I needed to figure this out on my own.”
Penelope, sitting on the other side of her envelopes Emily in a tight hug, planting a very sweet, sisterly kiss on her shoulder. “I love you, you are amazing and I’m so glad you got that out of your chest, Emster.” She says in one breath and Emily laughs, planting a kiss on the blonde’s head.
“You know we are gonna give you so much shut for it, right?” Rossi says, Krystall smacking his arm playfully. “What? All of you make fun of me being old and I can’t make fun of Emily? Talk about sexism.” That makes Emily laugh even harder, everyone else soon joining in.
“I’m glad you told us, Emily.” Tara says. “You deserve to be happy. And trust me, women will help a lot with that.” She winks and takes a sip of her gin, ignoring everyone’s curious looks.
“Imma go bring more booze, who wants some?” She asks standing up.
“Actually,” Dave starts, “me and Krystall will be clocking out, it’s late.”
Emily nearly pouts -she blames the alcohol running through her veins- but smiles at them. “I understand, it’s okay. Thank you, for coming!” She says, hugging them both.
“Congratulations, again, kiddo.” Dave whispers in her ear. “You be happy, okay?”
“I will, Dave.” She pats his back and watches them as they disappear inside the house, while she takes everyone’s orders.
When she runs to the kitchen, Tara follows suit. “Hey, just wanted to tell you that I am really proud of you for what you did out there.” Tara says. “When I had to come out to my family it was… well, the hardest thing I’ve ever done. And I’m a profiler, I hunt psychopaths for a living.” Emily chuckles. “I’m bisexual and I was kinda scared to tell you guys, I didn’t know how. But, anyway, I’m proud of you and know that you’ve got a friend in me, always.”
She is touched by Tara’s confession and she hugs her tightly. “This Emily is a hugger so just roll with it.” She says when she notices Tara stiffen in surprise before she laughs and relaxes in the embrace.
“I’m happy for you, Emily.” She says and Emily feels happy for herself, too.
It’s close to midnight when almost everyone has left her home. Almost everyone, because JJ insisted that she stays and help Emily clean up, despite Emily telling her that it’s not necessary. She escorts Tara to the door, wishing her a good night before returning to the kitchen, where JJ has already started the process of washing the plates.
“Jayje, you seriously don’t need to do that.” She protests once again, causing blue eyes to turn and look at her.
She just smiles. “And I told you that I seriously don’t mind.” And with that, she returns to the task at hand.
Emily sighs, she cannot kick her out of her house, can she? It will only raise suspicions. You’d think that after finally finding herself, after admitting what she’s been feeling all these years, that maybe her feeling would start to fade away. But no, she’s reached the point where staying in the same room as JJ, just the two of them, is nearly impossible.
She watches as JJ rinses and puts everything in the dishwasher. Emily, feeling useless just standing there and admiring the blonde once again, starts putting the empty food containers in a trash bag and packing the leftovers that would last her for about a week.
By the time she’s back from taking out the trash, JJ is drying her hands on a towel. “Thank you, again. For doing this. Even though you didn’t have to.” Emily repeats herself once more.
“Actually, I just wanted to get you alone for a bit.” JJ confesses, playing with the rings on her fingers. “I was hoping we could talk?” She asks.
Emily stares at her for a moment too long. Because she was looking at her with those pleading baby blues that she could never resist or lie to. Not convincingly, at least.
“Sure.” She says eventually, walking with her to the living room and sitting far away from her. “So what is it?” She asks her, trying to appear calm and collected, a contrast to the nervous wreck that she was.
“Emily, you can sit close to me, you know?” JJ chuckles looking at her funnily, as if suddenly she grew a second head.
“I don’t wanna make you uncomfortable.” She blurts out the first excuse that comes in her head, the one she’s heard many mean girls spew about queer girls being close to them. It’s lame, but it’s the only thing she can come up with.
“Well, you won’t.” JJ says very matter of factly.
Emily sighs and scoots closer to the blonde, her forefinger already starting to scab at the skin around her polished nails.
“So, what did you wanna talk about?” She asks her, wanting to get this over with.
JJ looks at her and then down at her hands. “I thought you stopped doing that.” She says placing her hand on top of Emily’s to stop her from drawing blood.
The older woman yanks her hands away and stands up abruptly. “You should go.” She says, not daring to look at the blonde’s hurt expression.
“Emily-”
But Emily is unnerved by the softness of her voice. Or she tries to be, her fingers now in pain from her picking at them. “Don’t!” She says, her tone sharp. “Please, Jayje, you need to leave.”
“What is it?” Jennifer asks, exasperated. “Why are you suddenly so repulsed by me?”
“I’m not!” Emily yells. “I’m not repulsed by you.”
Jennifer sighs, standing up herself. “I just want to talk about you and Andrew and you coming out to us, which I am so grateful for. I wanted to check in on you.”
“Well, I’m fine.” Emily says, clenching her jaw to keep her eyes dry.
“Really? You are fine? Then why are your fingers all bloody?” She pushes and when Emily answers with her silence she sighs, running a hand through her hair. “Look, I know there is more to the Andrew story, okay? Can’t you just talk to me?”
Emily shakes her head. “No, I can’t just talk to you. Especially to you.” She admits, giving up on trying to keep her tears at bay.
“What is that supposed to mean?” The blonde agent asks, slightly offended by the words coming out of her friend’s mouth.
“Because you are the reason!” Emily nearly screams at her. “You are the reason why it never worked with any man or any woman that I’ve ever so much as tried to date. Because no matter what, I’m in love with you.” She watches JJ take a step back, shocked and perhaps a little panicked by the admission.
“W-what?” She stammers out.
“You heard me, Jennifer.” Emily says, her voice now softer, defeated. “I’m in love with you. Have been since the moment I laid eyes on you. I’ve spent years loving you, missing you and watching you be happy with someone else. I’ve spent years alone and miserable because no one could ever be you. Paris didn’t make it go away, London didn’t make it go away, New Orleans didn’t make it go away, Andrew, Denver, nothing!” She cries and what shocks her the most is that JJ has tears on her face, too.
“You pushed me towards Will.” She whispers, the step she took back now taking it forward. “You told me to-to ‘go for it’ with him.”
“What was I supposed to say? ‘Hey, Jayje, by the way, I’m so hopelessly in love with you and I know you are into Mr. Wild West but please give me a chance’?” She scoffs. “I wasn’t gonna do that, especially knowing that rejection was just around the corner.”
JJ shakes her head and takes another step forward, jabbing her finger on Emily’s shoulder. “You idiot!” She accuses, her voice breaking, a new wave of tears coming over her. “Rejection wasn’t just around the corner! I was head over heels for you and then you threw me at Will and I thought you’d never feel the same!” She says, her voice holding a desperation Emily has never heard before.
She stares at her with her mouth hanging open. “Why didn’t you say anything?” Comes Emily’s whispered reply.
“For the same reason as you, I was afraid, Em.”
Emily makes a mistake, then; she looks at her. Really looks at her. Those red rimmed eyes, those tear stained cheeks, those baby blues that carry so much hurt and pain in them and that smile, that angelic, beautiful, magical and yet so sad smile that makes her knees weak and her eyes teary.
What she does next, in the future she’ll blame drunk Emily for. Because sober Emily would never close the distance between JJ and herself, would never allow their lips to meet in a desperate, pain filled kiss that conveyed everything they’ve been feeling for the last sixteen years. Sober Emily would never pull her closer, would never allow her tongue inside Jennifer’s mouth, battling for dominance. Sober Emily would never allow herself to become the other woman.
Emily is the first to pull away, resting her forehead against the blonde’s, but JJ is the first to speak up, arms slowly being removed from around Emily’s waist and being brought up to the woman’s hands that are holding her face as if it’s the most fragile piece of art in the world. Little does she know that to Emily, it is.
“I can’t.” JJ whispers to Emily, whose eyes are still closed.
“I know.”
JJ swallows audibly, dreading the words that come out of her mouth next. “This can’t happen again.” Emily nods against her.
“I don’t want to open my eyes and see you walk away.” Emily tells her, her voice never having been this broken. “I want to open my eyes only after you are gone. I want to pretend that this was all a dream, because I’ve spent years dreaming, Jennifer. I can handle dreaming. But I cannot handle this being real.”
She feels her nod the same way she feels her lips leaving a gentle kiss on her nose dimple before her hands gently pull down Emily’s arms. She feels the cold after the blonde walks away and she definitely feels the door closing behind her, because despite it being closed gently, she can still feel her heart shuttering in a million pieces.
Eight months later
They have an unspoken rule; they keep other hands to themselves, they keep their interactions public, they pretend nothing ever happened. And it works for them because that way the temptation isn’t real, none of it is. If the team has noticed they don’t say anything, though the tension between them can be cut with a butter knife.
That’s why she hugs Luke after the bombing and not her. That’s why she doesn’t even spare her a glance. That’s why she pretends that not only she and JJ never kissed, were never friends but also that the blonde didn’t exist. Because if she doesn’t exist then she might get her happily ever after.
JJ hugs everyone but her, even though she’s the one person she wants to hug the most. She looks at her, she tries to communicate with her even via telepathy but Emily doesn’t give her the light of day. She wants to scream and cry and kiss her again, because they did kiss and they were friends once upon a time and now they didn’t even exist to each other. It hurts and she wants to let it all out. She doesn't. Instead she pretends like she already has her happily ever after.
But this isn’t a Disney movie, this is real life and no fairy god mother, no prince, will ever save them. In real life, there are some people that simply cannot be saved.