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It had been the loveliest summer in Regulus’ life so far, but now it was soon coming to an end. Too soon for his liking. This was his second summer at the Potters, because just a little more than a year ago he’d run away from home, and let Sirius bring him here. Back then, he’d felt lost and out of place being here in the house of people he barely knew. And the house of Sirius’ best friend, because of whom he had felt jealous of Sirius for years.
Regulus had hated that goddamn James Potter for having to be so utterly perfect, funny, amicable and a lot better brother than him in every way, so that Sirius liked him better than his actual brother. Or at least he had tried to convince himself he hated James, but every day it had become harder and harder to fool himself to believe that. Because since the moment Regulus moved in, James had been nothing but adorable towards him in every way.
And, he had the most beautiful eyes Regulus had ever seen. And the most kissable lips, too. And… hell, he was everything Regulus wanted, but hadn’t known he needed before now.
Last summer, Regulus had spent most of this time by himself, avoiding James and his parents, and even Sirius the best he could, but still trying to be careful not to seem ungrateful. But little by little, James and his lovely mother Effie and his good-humored father Monty had made him let go of his wariness, and he’d started to believe, that not all people in the world wanted to hurt him.
But for some reason, he was hurting anyway, and it seemed to have something to do with the fact, that James was head over heels in love with a beautiful girl called Lily Evans. The whole summer last year, James had been talking to Sirius about how to get Lily to go out with him. Whenever Regulus heard this, he pretended he wasn’t listening, even if the thought of his James with someone else made him want to explode.
And all year after that, he’d been trying to make his stupid, stubborn heart understand, that James wasn’t actually his, and he had no right whatsoever to feel jealous of him. James had the right to date anyone he wanted, and the sooner Regulus got over it, the better.
But it didn't happen so easily.
Now, a whole year later, Regulus was still in the same situation, but only way deeper with his infatuation, that he was desperately trying to hide from James and everyone. James was never to know about his stupid crush, which would come as an unwelcome surprise for him if he ever found out. As long as they were at Hogwarts, Regulus had at least some chances to avoid him, but when the summer holidays begun and it was time to return to the Potters again, Regulus was already afraid in advance of how it would turn out for him.
But he wanted this summer to be perfect, so he damn right needed to try not to let his own stupidity ruin it for all of them. Because this was most likely to be the last summer he’d spend with James. After this summer, James and Sirius would start their final year at Hogwarts, and after that, they’d graduate, and James would probably not return to live at his childhood home again. He would probably have a place of his own after that, or if things turned out right for him, maybe he’d share it with Lily.
Regulus’ heart clenched as he thought of something, that was too frightening even to think, but still he couldn’t help it. Because the ugly truth was, that he didn’t know where in the world he’d go then. He couldn’t come here anymore, because even though Monty and Effie would never turn him away, everything here would only remind him of James and the fact, that he now belonged to someone else. He couldn’t go live with Sirius either, because he and Remus were now officially a thing, and Sirius had already told everyone he was going to move in with him as soon as they graduated.
And Regulus couldn’t even think of returning to Grimmauld Place. That would be the death of him, but every time he went through his options inside his head, it damn right seemed like his only option.
But they still had this summer, Sirius, James and him. And he wasn’t going to ruin it by being gloomy and cranky the whole time. And he wasn’t. Regulus might not have been known for being as loud, mischievous and always ready for fun as his brother, but he could be pretty good company too, when he wanted to. So, he did the best he could, so that they’d have fun, and they did.
So, as a result, this had been the best summer of his life so far. He’d had more fun than ever, and he’d laughed more than in his whole life before now. And he was in love with James Potter more deeply than ever. And… despite all the fun, he was dying inside.
*
One evening in August, after they had played cards the muggle way for hours– it was something James had taught him and Sirius, and now Regulus was a natural in it - Regulus snuck out unnoticed, walked to the edge of the forest behind James' house and climbed to sit on a large rock. He dug out a cigarette case from his pocket, lit one cigarette and sucked his lungs full of smoke. It made him cough for a while, as he still was not too used to smoking, like Sirius was.
Instead, James never smoked, and Regulus didn’t actually want him to see him smoke, either. But he couldn’t deny it didn’t relieve his stress. It had once again been almost too much for him to take, having to be that close to James all night, and having James touch him by accident every now and then, praising him for being the cleverest player he’d ever seen and flashing one of those trademark smiles of his every time he won the game. Sometimes James was being so lovely at Regulus, that it almost felt intentional. But of course, Regulus knew it wasn't. James was just being friendly was all, and the rest of it was just wishful thinking.
As the night darkened, Regulus looked up and saw the sky full of stars. It comforted him a little. Seeing the stars had always made him feel better whenever he was feeling down. So it had been in his childhood at Grimmaulds, so it had been at Hogwarts and so it seemed to be now, too.
Regulus let out a deep sigh and lay down on the rock, so that he could look to the sky all the time.
But as he did so, it wasn’t the stars he saw, even if they were shining quite as bright at him. He realized he was staring straight into James Potter’s eyes, which were smiling at him. Instinctively, he tried to get up, but James lay a hand on his shoulder.
“No, stay where you are”, he said, and settled himself right beside Regulus.
He was so close, that his forearm touched Regulus’. For some reason, Regulus didn’t move his arm, and James didn’t either. Regulus felt his heartbeat quicken and he prayed to all gods he could think of, that James wouldn’t hear it. He wasn’t used to being this close to James, and especially not without Sirius around.
“Where’s Sirius?” he asked, realizing he sounded a bit blunt. But James didn’t seem to mind.
“Went to see Moony”, he said calmly. “He said he’d stay overnight. You can probably guess why.”
“Yeah…” Regulus said with a chuckle, but it still didn’t make him feel much less nervous.
He knew what James was talking about, though. Whenever Sirius was somewhere close to Remus, he couldn’t keep his hands off of him, and sometimes Remus had his neck so full of hickeys, that it didn't leave anyone guessing what the two did when they were left alone. Regulus felt tickling on the pit of his stomach as a thought crossed his mind. He imagined how it’d feel like if someday James would make his neck look that way too, and do all those other things to him, that he imagined Sirius and Remus were doing.
He gave James a quick glance. He tried to be so subtle, that James wouldn't even notice he was looking. But it happened, that James looked at him at the exact same time, and their eyes locked for a moment. The moment froze, and Regulus found himself unable to look away from James' beautiful hazel eyes. Finally, Regulus forced himself to look into the sky again.
James cleared his throat.
“So… we’ll be going back to Hogwarts in a couple of weeks”, he said tentatively.
“Yeah…” Regulus mentally slapped himself. Hell, was this the only thing he was able to say these days, whenever James was somewhere close? “So, um... that’ll be your final year”, he continued, forcing himself to say at least something.
“Yeah, that's right”, James said, and seemed to be in deep thought. “It feels a bit weird to me, though.”
“What’s so weird about it?” Regulus asked, hoping his voice didn’t betray him.
“Well, you know… a year from now, I probably won’t be coming back here. Or… I will, of course, but only for a visit every now and then. I guess I have to move out and have a place of my own by then, and have a job, and… stuff like that. You know, that’s the way it goes.”
Regulus’ reply was just an incoherent sound, as he didn’t trust his voice enough to say anything. After that, they just lay in there in silence, staring at the stars. The silence didn’t feel uncomfortable with James, as it never did, but Regulus still had a lump in his throat, that wouldn’t go away. After a while, James asked him to show him Regulus from the sky, and Regulus did it very expertly, as he’d done so many times before. Just to say something, he introduced James to a great deal of other stars and constellations by their names, too. It made James chuckle gently and give him a warm look.
“How can you know so much?” he asked. “Is there anything in the world you don’t know?”
“I know nothing, James”, Regulus said quietly.
“Well, at least you know more about the stars than anyone else at Hogwarts.”
“Maybe I know something about the stars”, Regulus sighed. “When I was just a kid, they were kind of the only friends I had, besides Sirius. And you could say he’s some kind of a star, too.”
“Yeah, you could”, James agreed. “But so are you.”
Regulus tried to ignore James’ remark, and he was careful not even to look at James. Otherwise, James could have seen his deep blush.
“But besides the stars… If only you knew how little I really know... about things that matter.”
Regulus was taken aback about what had just slipped from his mouth. He hadn’t meant to say anything like that. He sighed and closed his eyes as he saw from the corner of his eye, that James was looking at him.
“Things that matter?” he repeated. “What things that matter?”
“Nevermind”, Regulus said very quickly, sat up and lit another cigarette, not caring about the fact, that James saw it. He just needed some distraction. His hands were shaking and his cheeks were flushing, and if he didn’t stop himself, he’d soon end up kissing James.
“Oh. Okay”, James said. “Stole those from Sirius, didn’t you?”
“Maybe”, Regulus said slowly, blowing smoke from his nose. “Want one?”
“No thanks, Reg. You know I don’t smoke.”
“Yeah. I know you don’t smoke.”
They fell silent again. Regulus finished his cigarette and didn’t take a new one. Suddenly, James caught him off guard with something totally unexpected.
“Tell me, Reg… how can you tell if someone’s in love with you?”
Regulus flinched. So, this was going to be one of those Evans talks James used to have with Sirius, but never before with Regulus? James never mentioned Evans when Regulus was around, these days, and he didn’t really know how much he talked about her with Sirius. But last summer he damn right did that a lot.
“How would I know”, Regulus said, and that wasn’t actually a lie. “I don’t think anyone’s ever been in love with me.”
“No?”
“No, I don’t think so. At least not anyone I know about. Why are you asking me this?”
Regulus looked at James very briefly and saw a small smile on his face, but he too looked somehow tense. Regulus couldn’t figure out why. Everyone knew about his crush on Evans, so it shouldn’t have been this big of a deal to talk to Regulus about it.
“Well, I guess I’m just wondering, if… someone I have feelings for, might feel the same way about me. But it’s very hard to tell by the way they act, so… I thought maybe you could help me? Tell me Reg, how would you act around someone you’re in love with?”
“Y-you should ask Sirius”, Regulus quickly said, trying to give James a laid-back laugh but failing miserably. “Considering how he’s acted around Remus these past few years, I think he should know something about how someone acts when they're in love.”
“But I’m not asking Sirius”, James said softly. “I’m asking you.”
“Why?”
“Because I already know how he acts around someone he’s in love with.” James’ voice was sparkling with laughter, but he was still nervous, Regulus could tell. And it made him restless, too. “But the one I have feelings for, isn’t him. So, I just wanted to know how you would act if you were in love with someone. Do you think I could somehow see it?”
Regulus’ breath hitched in his throat, and he didn’t dare to look at James. His heart felt like it was going to jump out of his chest sometime soon. Regulus desperately tried to clear his throat just to make himself calm down a little, or at least stop James from hearing his heart racing.
“No”, he said quietly. “I don’t think you would see it.”
“Why not?” James’ voice was still very warm and tender as it always was when he was talking to Regulus, but now there was sadness in it, too. And it was very rare for James Potter.
“Because I –“ Regulus fell silent for a while, thinking very hard, if it was wise to say this or not. But in the end, he did. “Because I’m good at hiding things. I’ve been doing it my whole life. And if I was in love with someone… I’d do everything I could to stop you… I mean them from seeing it.”
Regulus realized his mistake a moment too late. He squeezed his eyes shut tightly, because the tears he had no intention of shedding in this company, were now burning behind his eyelids. But James rested his hand softly on his and squeezed it gently, and he did nothing to shove it away.
“Why?” he whispered. “Why would you do that?”
“You know why”, Regulus choked out, and tried to make a sudden move to run away from James before the tears would fall down his face.
But James wouldn’t let him. He took Regulus by the wrist and pulled him back to him, now holding him close by wrapping one arm around his waist.
“Regulus, look at me”, he said, cupping Regulus’ face with his free hand.
A little reluctantly and fearfully, Regulus opened his eyes to meet James' gaze. James looked at him, his eyes shining in the light of the starry sky. A choked sob made Regulus’ body shiver, as he tried to hold back his tears.
“Shit, I’m sorry”, he muttered under his breath. The look in James’ eyes told him everything he needed to know. James knew about him and these stupid feelings of his, that wouldn’t go away, no matter how hard he tried.
“What are you sorry for?” James asked, the question his eyes seeming like an honest one.
“You know what.”
“No, Regulus. I don’t. Would you tell me?”
James’ questions made Regulus finally break into tears. Even if James didn’t look mad, not the slightest, Regulus felt terrible. It felt almost worse to have James look at him like that, than have him get shocked and awkward about Regulus’ unwanted feelings. Regulus was afraid, that maybe James felt sorry for him.
“F-for being this stupid kid who falls for his big brother’s best friend, who’s just being friendly and stuff… and who’s in love with someone else, and who would never feel the –“
“Regulus”, James said, drying Regulus’ cheeks with his both thumbs. “Shut up.”
With that, Regulus felt James’ lips on his. The sudden sensation made him make a sound that was some kind of a mixture of a sob and a moan, and he wrapped his arms around James’ neck as they had a will of their own. James, still caressing his face with his fingers, let the kiss deepen. Regulus leaned closer to him, ignoring the fact, that his tears were soaking James’ face too.
But then a nasty thought hit him. He remembered who James really loved, and figured this was probably just James having some fun. Maybe he’d have a good laugh at his expense after this. Regulus was nothing but a stupid schoolboy having a desperate, one-sided crush on him, after all.
“No”, he choked out, pushing James away from him and trying to pull away. “You don’t get to do this.”
But James, being the most skilled chaser Hogwarts had ever seen, had quick reflexes, and he wouldn’t let Regulus run away just like that.
“Do what?” he asked, holding onto Regulus tight. “Do what, Regulus?”
“Let me go!” Regulus cried, trying to fight himself free from James’ grip. He was now holding him close, his both arms tightly around him.
“No, not until you tell me what you meant by what you just said. I just don't get it... if you have feelings for me, then why can’t I kiss you?”
“I don’t want to talk about it!” Regulus sobbed. “Besides, I believe you know quite well yourself! Now let me go!”
“No!”
“You’re hurting me!”
He really wasn’t. Regulus was actually enjoying James’ closeness, even now, that he was trying to pretend otherwise. And even though James’ arms around him were very strong and firm, he wasn’t hurting him in any way.
“Then stop fighting, will you”, James said, pressing a kiss into Regulus’ hair.
Regulus did, but as he stopped trying to run for it, he completely fell apart. He just couldn’t help it anymore. He sunk into James’ arms as a sobbing mess. But James just held him close, rocked him slowly as he cried, and nuzzled his nose into his hair. As Regulus’ sobs finally subsided, James lifted his face carefully with his fingertips.
“Can I really not kiss you?” he asked softly.
Regulus just sniffed and shook his head.
“Why not?”
“Because…” Regulus sobbed. “Because you have no right to… act as if you’re in love with me, when you’re not!”
Regulus’ words made James chuckle out loud.
“So, that’s what it’s all about”, he said. His amused words made Regulus huff.
“Yes, James. That’s what it’s all about!”
James still beamed at him, but then grew more serious and took his face into his hands again.
“But I am”, he said, his voice warm and sincere. “I am in love with you. Can I now kiss you?”
“What?” Regulus cried. “But you’re not!”
“Am too.”
“Are not! You’re in love with –“
“No, Regulus. I’m not in love with Lily.”
“But… you are!”
“Am not! Reg, I mean it! I realized that sometime around last July or so. It just took me a while to come to terms with it, regarding that you are my best friend’s baby brother and everything, but… yes, I am in love with you. Very much so. So, can I –“
“Yes”, Regulus choked out, leaning so close to James, that their lips almost touched but not quite. “Yes, James. You can kiss me all you want. For I’m all yours.”
James didn’t hesitate to pull Regulus into a long, deep kiss. Regulus didn’t feel like stopping him anymore, not the slightest. He melted into James’ arms and into his kiss, he ran his fingers through James’ messy hair and gently bit and sucked his lower lip. It made James moan out loud into his mouth and put all his ten fingers into Regulus’ dark curls.
“You’re the sweetest thing I’ve ever seen in my life”, James gently muttered against Regulus’ lips. “But you’re right, though. Before now, I couldn’t tell if you had any feelings for me at all or not, no matter how hard I tried to figure it out.”
“Really?” Regulus chuckled. “I thought I was being painfully obvious.”
“No, you really weren’t”, James said. “I was almost convinced that you weren’t interested, and I don’t think I’d ever have the nerve to ask you about it, but… when I talked to Sirius the other day, he kind of… made me reconsider.”
“Sirius?” Regulus said, frowning. “Does he, um… know about… this? About me? Or... you?”
“I’m not sure”, James said with a smile. “But he did say he was worried about you. You know, he could tell something was bothering you, even if you didn’t want us to see it. And he figured it was probably because of our forthcoming graduation and the fact, that next summer, we won’t be living here anymore, but –“
James’ words were interrupted by Regulus, who broke into new tears as soon as James’ words hit him.
“Hey… please don’t cry, love”, James said, kissing Regulus’ forehead.
“But I – I don’t want this to end”, Regulus sobbed, pressing his face into James’ shoulder. James let him stay there and gently stroked his back.
“It doesn’t have to”, he said into Regulus’ hair.
“But it does! You’ll move away from here, and it’s not like I could ever stay here without –“
“Come with me then”, James said.
“What?”
“Move in with me. Next summer. I mean… you still have a year to think about it and to consider, but… I kind of feel like I’ve gotten so used to having you around, that I don’t really want to give that up, so… I was hoping maybe you’d want to share a home with me? Or, you can always go live with Sirius too, I’m sure he’d be more than happy to have you. But if you do that, I hope they don’t forget to use proper silencing spells, him and Moony, because I can assure you, they can sometimes be–“
“I know, alright!” Regulus laughed. He too knew, that his brother could be quite passionate in his love for Remus. And now, suddenly, it felt so good and easy to laugh. Regulus didn’t feel like there was anything fake about it, or any hidden sadness he had to keep from James anymore.
“And yes… next summer, when you graduate, I’d be… more than happy to… share a home with you, if you’d really have me.”
“Trust me, I would”, James said, leaning his forehead against Regulus’.
“But after that, I’ll still have one year to go at Hogwarts”, Regulus pointed out, suddenly feeling a little worried.
“I don’t mind”, James assured him. “I’ll wait for you. As long as you’ll have me, I’ll wait just as long as you need me to.”
Regulus kissed James again, feeling immensely happy and warm. His insides were sparkling and fluttering in a way that told him, that it would be wise to let James get him inside sometime soon. They did have the whole house for themselves tonight, after all.
“James…” he purred, as he let James help him jump down from the rock they’d been sitting on. As soon they were both on solid ground, James wrapped an arm around him and led him towards the house. “Do you think Sirius really knows… about us?”
“He might”, James said with a small grin. “But don’t worry. If he does, I think he doesn’t mind. And I know for sure, that he doesn’t get to say anything about it. Having listened to him and Remus all this time in our shared dorm, he really doesn’t get to criticize.”
Regulus buried his face into James’ neck, kissing it softly at first, but ending up sucking and biting his skin so, that it left a small, purple mark on James’ soft skin. As he saw it, he chuckled out loud thinking, that if Sirius didn’t know by now, by tomorrow he most certainly would.
**