Work Text:
Your job was an interesting one.
It wasn't bad, persay. It payed the bills and kept you off the streets. However, if you told yourself a few months ago that you'd be driving some of the most infamous people on the planet around in your tiny yellow taxi every day, you would've laughed and thrown yourself into a psych ward.
Yet here you are, stationed around Central City, Metropolis and Gotham. As you've recently realised, the people who hire your services are quite the colourful bunch, which has led to some- ahem- interesting conversations...
--
"Ah, Y/N! How are you on this fine evening?"
"Wonderful as always, Mr Luthor. How was your day?" you reply, looking at the billionaire through your rear-view mirror.
"Productive," he answers, "My engineering team are in the process of creating a shield strong enough to stop the Sun's rays from reaching the Earth's surface!"
"How interesting! May I ask what it's for?" you question.
"No, you may not."
--
"--And they don't use petrol or diesel? Are you sure?" Ivy asks, fidgeting with her fingers nervously.
"Yep!" Harley replies, "It's a completely electric taxi to help the environment."
"Alright then." Ivy appears to relax a little. She turns to the road as you slow your car to a stop in front of the two women.
"There's my favourite taxi driver! How'ya doin', sweetheart?" Harley asks, leaning through the window to give you a kiss on the cheek.
"Better now you're here, Harley. Where am I taking you lovely ladies?"
"You flatter us," Ivy smiles as she gets in the car and fastens her seat belt, "Ace Chemicals, please."
You shoot her a thumbs up. "Got it."
"I'd be careful if I were you, kid. I heard that the Big Bad Bat is out tonight." Harley warns.
"Not to worry, Harls. I was born a Gothamite. I know how to hide in the shadows just as much as he does."
Shortly after your shift that night, you open your door at the sound of the doorbell ringing to see a beautiful bouquet of pink roses. Attached to it is a small paper label saying: "Thanks for your help sweetheart, much appreciated. - Ivy." Needless to say, the questions your nosy neighbours keep asking you steadily become more and more difficult to answer.
--
"But- you're a speedster? Why do you need me to drive you around Central City when you could jog and be there in seconds?" you ask, turning on your indicator as you drive around a corner.
"Don't worry about it," replies the voice modulator in Zoom's mask.
"Alright-."
--
"Good morning Mr Mit- Mxia- Mr spitlik- Mr Mixiaspitlik."
Mr Mxyzptlk sighs. "Close enough."
--
"So how come you're taking a taxi? Don't you have a clown car?" you question, turning in your seat to face the pale passenger in the back of your taxi.
"WayneTech promised me an electric car by this year, but I still haven't gotten it even though I've put a deposit down! Can you believe it?"
"How horrible!" you reply nervously. You turn to face the steering wheel again while debating whether you should open your door and make a run for it.
"I know, right?"
There's a very long, awkward pause before you speak up.
"So- the explosives in my trunk- are they-?"
"Don't ask about that," he interrupts, pressing a forefinger to his lips, "It'll ruin Batman's surprise!"
"Okay-."
----
It got to the point where your clients would ask for you specifically, so the company you worked for simply gave you a free phone and gave everyone the number. Soon enough, the resident superheroes and vigilantes caught wind of your work and decided to utilise your services themselves.
----
"Hey Y/N! How's business?"
"There's never a dull moment, Nightwing, I'll tell you that."
"Good to hear...good to hear." The black and blue vigilante pauses and scratches the back of his neck sheepishly. "Hey, could you let a man catch a ride to the docks?"
"Why can't you get there yourself?" you ask, leaning out the driver-side window.
"I- uh- I broke my grapple hook."
You gasp. "Ohhh shit. The Bat isn't going to take that well."
"Trust me, I know." Nightwing replies, groaning.
"Fine, but I'm charging you 15% extra because you didn't call in advance. I'm a busy person, you know."
"What?" he exclaims, "That's daylight robbery!"
"It's 3am, Batboy. Cough up or I'll make it 20."
--
"Hey Y/N!"
"What's with all the Speedsters needing taxis? Couldn't you just get there yourself?"
"A man needs his rest, right?" The Flash replies, shooting you a toothy grin.
"That doesn't even make any- y'know what? I shouldn't of asked."
--
"You too?" you begin, "What, did you break your grapple hook as well?"
"What?" Red Robin questions, "No. Red Hood and Robin are annoying me and you're the only one they like enough to leave alone."
"They like me🥹?"
"We all do. You're surprised?" he responds, raising a brow.
"That's so sweet, oh my goodness."
"Wait- who broke their grapple hook?" Tim asks, looking at you quizzically. At that, you slap your hand over your mouth and instead speak through your fingers.
"No comment."
--
"Run out of juice again, Lantern?"
"Okay- this time it wasn't my fault," Hal replies, slamming the door of your taxi shut.
"Keep telling yourself that buddy."
----
There have been many awkward occasions where your services have been double-booked, which has led to some, uh- peculiar interactions to say the least.
----
"Oh yes, of course! If you oxidise the Kryptonite and make a compound of it with my fear gas, it would probably work on a Kryptonian," Crane waffles.
"Wonderful!" Luthor replies, clapping his hands together. "How much?"
"I beg your pardon?" the psychologist asks.
"How much money do you want for you to synthesise such a concoction?"
"With all due respect, Mr Luthor," you pipe up, "If you continue this conversation while I'm here, I may be arrested."
"How come?"
"Guilt by association."
--
"But you're a Speedster, right? How come you're-?"
"Don't bother asking him. They never give you a straight answer."
Thawne grins, "At least someone here has half a brain."
"How dare you!" the Riddler gasps, "I'll have you know I'm the smartest rogue in all of Gotham. You tell 'em, Y/N!"
"..."
"They seem to disagree," the speedster chuckles.
"What? Oh c'mon! Who do you think is the smartest rogue in Gotham then?"
"Poison Ivy," you reply immediately.
--
"Y'know, I should probably throw you in Arkham."
"Now where's the fun in that, Hood? Besides, I ain't doin' nothin' wrong!"
"You're covered in blood that isn't your own and holding a decapitated head."
"He was in the car when I got here!"
You whip around in your seat. "Harley, if you get blood on my seats I swear to God-."
----
And this is all fine and dandy until you catch the attention of three of arguably the most famous superheroes known to mankind, and they're not here to ask you to take them on holiday.
"You are under arrest under suspicion of harbouring dangerous criminals," Wonder Woman begins, towering above your tiny taxi. "Anything you say or do will be held against you in a court of-"
"Harbouring criminals?" you interrupt, "Since when?"
"I strongly suggest you don't play dumb now. This is a serious offense and unless you want to be thrown in Blackgate you need to listen to us." Batman states, staring menacingly at you with his arms crossed.
"I am listening to you, Batman, you aren't listening to me."
Superman attempts to mediate the situation. "Well then, what do you have to say for yourself?"
"You are aware that members of your Justice League have been using my services, right?" you question, raising an eyebrow.
"What?"
"You heard me--" you continue before turning to the Caped Cruisader, "--And your own children have also been enlisting my help from time to time."
"Preposterous," Batman scoffs.
"Is it? Nightwing has me on speed dial if you want me to prove it to you."
"..."
"That's what I thought."
"This doesn't excuse the fact that you are harbouring criminals," Diana states.
"Criminals? What criminals?"
Superman sighs. "The records at your agency show that you have been helping people such as Poison Ivy, Lex Luthor, Scarecrow, Reverse Flash, and other criminals."
You wave your hand at the trio dismissively. " The only name I recognise from that list is Lex Luthor, and he has not been trialed for any crimes that I know of."
"He has been charged for multiple crimes in the past. Do you not realise this?" Clark replies, his eye beginning to twitch slightly.
"Supes, I am a taxi driver working at minimum wage. Do you really think I can afford a TV?"
"You have a phone, do you not?" Batman asks.
"Yeah, with a whole 16 megabytes of storage on it," you respond, voice dripping with sarcasm.
And with that, they leave you be. Superman and Wonderwoman shoot into the air and Batman follows suit with his grapple hook. You let out a breath you didn't realise you were holding and lean into the driver's seat. You stay there for a few minutes, contemplating what to have for breakfast tomorrow before your phone starts ringing once again. You smile as you read the name on your screen before quickly swiping the screen to answer it.
"Darkseid! How can I help?"