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The war was over. Voldemort was dead, the Wizarding world was recovering, Hogwarts had been rebuilt, and peace was finally becoming attainable. Everything was supposed to be better now, everyone was so happy, and yet Harry couldn't bring himself to feel the same.
Hermione, ever the endearing bookworm she was, decided to continue her education at Hogwarts and obtain her NEWTS. Of course Ron wasn't an easy sell, but he eventually agreed to join her. That sold Harry's fate, because he couldn't stand the thought of being alone and without them. So, the three of them signed up for classes and showed up on September 1st for their seventh year that was technically their eighth. They just hadn't attended their seventh, was all.
His friends were doing well. Hermione was relentlessly chasing her eleven NEWTS with everything she had, and Ron was settling back into the happy friendships and routine life he'd grown accustomed to over the years at Hogwarts. It was just another school year to them. Unfortunately, Harry's mind just couldn't get with the program.
Maybe that was why he sat on the edge of a window in the Astronomy Tower. The window had no glass, perfect for placing a telescope in front of to achieve an unobstructed view of the stars. Harry was using it as a seat, one leg bent and propped up with the other hanging off the edge as he sat sideways across the ledge. His back was uncomfortably resting on the cold stone, but he ignored it as he looked left out the window at the beautiful view. Hogwarts was beautiful.
The sun was setting. The castle grounds were lit with the soft orange glow of the sunset, and the shadows were growing longer as the sun slowly disappeared. People were still milling about below the tower, down in the courtyard, some probably watching the sunset just as he was. Curfew was approaching, though, so very few of them would remain much longer. They'd retreat inside to their dormitories, safe and sound. Harry, on the other hand, would not.
It had been the same dance too many nights in a row. The edge called to him more and more the longer he put it off, gnawing at the back of his mind like an itch he couldn't get rid of. Sometimes he could barely feel it, like when he was flying. With the wind in his ears and his own laughter making his chest hurt, sometimes his mind would leave him be. Other times it wouldn't.
Times like when he was drawn to the Astronomy Tower. It was such a beautiful view, and he could imagine the feeling of flying for only a moment before he'd stop feeling anything at all. The itch in his mind would be gone, the heaviness that followed him around would lift, and the feelings of guilt and self-loathing would dissolve. He would finally be at peace.
The only thing that had prevented him from choosing to be free, was the dream he'd had when the Horcrux inside him died. Harry vaguely remembered a hazy white setting that reminded him of King's Cross. He remembered Dumbledore telling him a story, telling him of Death and its Hallows, and an offered choice. Harry quite convinced himself it was nothing more than a dream he'd thought up to help soothe the grief he felt over Dumbledore's death, but what if it hadn't been a dream? What if he'd actually died that day? What if he'd really seen the afterlife, spoken to Dumbledore, and been revived?
Nobody came back from the dead. Everyone knew that. That's why it was an absolute known fact that Harry hadn't died. The first time, the Killing Curse rebounded; his mother's love created a shield that had protected him from Voldemort's wrath. The second time it hadn't even hit Harry at all; the Killing Curse was absorbed into the Horcrux leaving Harry completely unscathed.
… right?
It was ridiculous to think he'd come back from the dead; that he was somehow immune to death. Still, the thought that death would not hold the peace he longed for was more painful than living. The terrifying thought that'd he'd go back to that large white emptiness before coming back to life kept him up at night. He knew that looking down below and pushing off the edge would take such courage, and Harry wasn't sure he could muster it if there was a possibility that what he'd find at the bottom wasn't peace.
Sighing, Harry looked out the window and found it was dark now. The moon was bright, a brilliant crescent that shone a sliver of glowing light down onto the grounds and courtyard. It really was beautiful.
"Oh, it's you."
Harry turned in surprise at the voice, and noticed a boy with a small book standing in the doorway. He had curling brown hair, short but long enough to tuck behind his ears, and eyes as silver as the stars. The boy was slim, but not overly so. It took a moment, but Harry remembered him.
"It's Nott, right?" Harry smiled tiredly, "I remember you from our NEWTS level Potions class." Sixth year. Harry remembered he and Malfoy whispering together, and briefly wondered if they were still friends.
"I'm surprised you paid attention." Nott raised an eyebrow, and Harry huffed a little at the implication.
"You'd be surprised by a lot of things." Harry sighed, "I did try to know my classmates, though. Even the Slytherins."
"I suppose you would, considering your fixation on Malfoy all those years." Nott tilted his head, and Harry frowned.
"It wasn't a fixation." Harry denied, "More of an antagonistic acquaintanceship. It didn't become anything close to a fixation 'til sixth year, and I'd say it was justified."
"Fair enough." Nott shrugged delicately, "What're you doing up here, Potter?"
"I could ask the same." Harry snorted, "It's past curfew, you know, and 'sneaking out to read a book' is a pretty shitty excuse to give the Prefects."
"And stargazing is a better one?" He sounded skeptical.
"I never said I was stargazing." Harry shook his head, and looked back out the window. "I couldn't if I tried, really."
"You got an A on your Astronomy OWL." Nott said, and Harry, for a moment, couldn't find a response. Of course Nott knew he'd received an Acceptable, because why wouldn't he? Nothing about Harry was private anymore.
They published his OWL scores in the Daily Prophet when he started the school year. They were playing a guessing game of 'Which NEWTS are Harry Potter taking?' Every time he thought about the Daily Prophet and what they wrote about him, it made the dream seem less important and the fall more enticing.
"I skated by." Harry said dully, "But I'm useless at it. I can't even find Sirius." Just saying the name made his heart twist painfully, like a splinter in his sternum that wriggled deeper and deeper the more he thought about it.
"It's that one." He blinked and suddenly Nott was beside him, looking out the window and pointing up into the sky. "Canis Major. See it? Sirius is the brightest star in that constellation, near the top. There's seventeen total, but Sirius is the most noticeable."
Harry couldn't find Canis Major in the mess of the sky Nott was pointing to, but the notion that it really was up there made his eyes burn. Sirius was gone. It was Harry's fault. Sirius had fallen backwards and Harry hadn't been fast enough to catch him, so he'd been swept away and taken from him before they could be a real family.
And yet he was there somewhere, above him. Sirius. The brightest star in his constellation, because of course he would be. How could he be anything but?
"I could show you, if you want." Nott said softly, and Harry realized he was crying. His throat was tight, his cheeks were wet, and his lungs felt weak. Numbness hung at the edge of his mind, but Nott's offer seemed… bright.
"You think?" Harry whispered, "I'm rubbish at Astronomy." He tried for teasing, but it fell flat into something more self-deprecating.
"I can work with that." Nott was examining his face, and Harry thought it looked rather like he was searching for something. "Would you like to learn?"
There was a cold breeze, and it made his already cold cheeks sting. His hands were trembling, and he was losing feeling in his stiff fingertips. The distance to the courtyard was the same as it had been ten minutes before, and the thought of the maybe-peace he'd find at the bottom was just as enticing. The moon was still bright, and Hogwarts was still beautiful. The itch in his mind was close to the surface, and Harry had no illusions as to why he'd come to the Astronomy Tower in the first place.
Though, now Nott was standing at the window, leaning on the far side of the ledge, and looking at Harry with cautiously calculating silver eyes. His brown hair was coming untucked from behind his ears from the window blowing his curls back, but he made no move to correct the waylaid curls as he remained focused on Harry. He didn't sound like he was teasing, surprisingly. He just sounded sincere.
"Sure." Harry said hoarsely. He couldn't force more out of his sore and tear-lodged throat, but Nott didn't need more; he simply nodded and pushed off the ledge to straighten up and pull his robes back into perfect order. He took one step back, and held out a hand.
"Then come on, we'll need a telescope." Nott said, "Let's go get one, okay?" And he smiled.
Harry's back was sore from leaning on the stone wall, and the nagging thing at the back of his mind was ever persistent. Regardless, Harry turned, slid off the edge, and his feet hit the hard stone of the Astronomy Tower a moment later.
Slowly, Harry reached out and took Nott's hand.