Chapter Text
Ellie has done many a thing in her life. She went through hell and back to make a vaccine, and honestly, would rate it a solid -100/10. She’s been poked and prodded, inspected and interrogated, but throughout all of this, Joel has been right by her side. He’d held her hand each time the nurses inserted an IV into her arm, tied her hair back when one drug caused her to vomit for almost 2 hours, and sang softly to help her drift off to sleep. Not once did he tell her that she was being dramatic, or that she needed to do it by herself because “you’re old enough now Ellie to do this alone,” (thanks, FEDRA). He always listened to her when she need to complain about whatever procedure the doctors put her through, and would always try to make her feel better on her bad days.
Which is what he was doing now, because she has been stuck in her head all morning, the thoughts of a certain man - looming over her in a diner, with flames surrounding them - plaguing her. She had a nightmare last night, one where she was locked in the cell again with David watching her from outside the cage, like she was an animal in a zoo. He talked at her - she couldn’t reply no matter how hard she tried to scream - and described how similar they were, how they needed and depended on each other. He’d also somehow gotten into the cell, and was stalking towards Ellie with a look on his face that made her stomach turn. She had woken up screaming and crying, and Joel had come rushing into her room, gun in his hand (looking back, it's kind of ironic, because she’s usually the one who comes into his room in those early hours of the morning), ready to fight off whatever got her so worked up. He’d immediately registered her distressed state, and reached out to her, sitting on the edge of her bed. He'd held her close, her head slotting into the crook of his neck while he repeated “You’re alright, babygirl. You’re safe,” over and over again, like a mantra.
Entering in the dining hall this morning had set her off a little bit again, her arms going still at her side, eyes wide as she scanned the room for possible dangers. Joel noticed her discomfort, and subtly placed his hand in-between her shoulder blades, a firm, but comforting pressure. She relaxed a little when he did that, but now that they’re sitting down to eat, she can feel the fear slowly creep its way back into her heart, making it beat a bit faster.
Joel is sitting across from her, and Tommy to his left. Every time Tommy turns to talk to someone, Joel has stolen just a small bit of food from his plate. Ellie knows he’s doing it to make her smile, and it is honestly funny to see Tommy look back down at his plate each time, confused at how much food is left on it. Ellie and Joel share a look each time, and giggle quietly to themselves. If Tommy has noticed their odd behaviour, he hasn’t mentioned it.
Once finished breakfast, Joel walks her to school. Ellie doesn’t really need him to (she’s 15, and has faced some God-awful things in those years, so walking to school alone is definitely something she can manage), but she enjoys the company, and it’s nice to just talk to Joel in the morning without anyone else bothering them.
(David was a teacher, which is something Ellie tries desperately to forget when she thinks about school)
(Joel talking to her on the way to school helps her to forget for a bit)
“Remember,” he starts when they’re nearing the school. “I give you my permission to leave anytime you want. You just tell your teacher that and come get me if you need to, alright?”
They stop once they reach the gate and Joel crouches in front of her, hands on her shoulders, looking directly into her eyes. If it were anyone else, she would feel intimidated and anxious, but she knows and trusts Joel, so instead she feels comforted.
“I know,” she replies, giving him a small smile. It’s all she can give, really, because doing anything more would probably push her over her already strained limit.
Joel continues to look into her eyes, searching for something. After a beat, he’s satisfied with what he’s found, he gives her a small nod.
“Alright,” he says, pushing himself up.
He leans down to give her a kiss on the top of her head, and she pretends to push him away. He plays along, and tries even harder to kiss her forehead, almost chasing her down. She laughs throughout it all, feeling her chest lighten.
Eventually, she gives in, and lets him kiss her head.
(She knows that she would always let him, no matter what)
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Her school day flies by, mainly due to the fact that she’s not really paying attention. She picks up on some things when she does tune in, but hearing her science teacher talk about how the human body makes blood made her feel sick, and she had to leave the room for 15 minutes. She went to the bathroom and gripped the side of this sink, took deep breaths, and tried her best to not think about how she probably swallowed some blood when she beat David’s head in with a cleaver, and how that blood was made by the bone marrow in his body and that it then went into her body because she had swallowed it-
She shook her head, as if that would clear her mind of the fucked-up thoughts, and splashed her face with some cold water. She had then stared at herself in the mirror, taking in her features, noting the scars on her face. She remembered how she got each of them, the one on her nose the most recent. It happened when she had broken David’s finger, before he had tried to-
It was then that she felt the overwhelming urge to leave school and find Joel. He’d be understanding, and would pick her up and carry her back home, tucking her into bed. He’d brush the stray hairs from her face and kiss her forehead. He’d stay with her until she fell asleep, safe, and warm, and happy.
She decided against it though, because it was late in the school day and there wasn’t really a point if she was just going to see him anyway in 30 minutes. So, instead, she picked herself up and made her way back to the classroom.
(She made herself zone out completely after that, so much that she didn’t even notice people were packing up to leave until Dina tapped her on the shoulder to remind her).
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Once she’s home, she takes off her shoes (because if there’s one rule that Joel Miller adheres to, it’s that there are no dirty shoes in the house) and she can hear Joel in the kitchen. She drops her bag beside her shoes, not bothering to place it on the long table beside the door, and walks over to where he’s sitting at the kitchen table.
“Hey, kiddo,” he says as she nudges his arm up with her head and basically crawls into his lap like a cat. He doesn’t tell her to stop, that he’s busy and can’t talk right now. He just lets her manoeuvre herself until she’s comfortable, sheltered and tucked away in the safety of his embrace.
He leans his head down to place a kiss on her head. “How was school?” he says into her hair. Ellie doesn’t really want to explain to him that she doesn’t actually remember, so she instead hums, hoping that it’s enough of an answer for him.
“That good, huh?” he laughs, softly, quietly into her hair. She wraps her arms around him then, not needing to say anything more for him to understand. He must realise that she doesn’t want to pursue the subject any further, because he goes back to whatever he was doing before she walked in.
Ellie is content like this, Joel busy doing something, and her just sitting with him, watching. It reminds her of after Silver Lake, when Joel would drag her around because she couldn’t stand being without him. She thinks back to the first time she woke up and couldn’t feel Joel’s presence at her back. She had rolled over, expecting to find him sitting across from her, stoking the fire, only to notice that Joel’s sleeping bag was empty, and he was nowhere to be seen. She remembers the fear, that all encompassing fear she’d felt thinking that David had come and snatched him away from her, just like he snatched everything else from her. That fear had been mixed with white hot anger, and she had clung onto her sleeping bag so tight, she’d almost ripped holes in it. She’d cried, hard, and only calmed down once Joel had returned. She remembers the trembling, and the shaking, but mostly the feeling of being held by strong, yet gentle arms. She also remembers when she came to later that night, and apologised to Joel for acting so childish.
“You have nothin’ to apologise for, baby,” he’d said, running his fingers through her hair in a way that always helps her calm down, even now. “You’ve done nothin’ wrong,”.
She remembers crying a little more after he said that, and was surprised that she even had any tears left. No one had ever been so soft with her before. Growing up in a FEDRA school meant that showing any emotion, positive or otherwise, got you beaten.
(How different her life is now, she muses)
She looks to Joel now, and wonders what she did to deserve him. He’s always so patient with her, never forcing her to do or say anything she isn’t comfortable with. Even when they first met, he didn’t make her do anything she didn’t want to do. Yeah, he was a dick, but so was she, and she now looks back on that time with fondness. Not only that, he’s always there when she needs him, morning, noon and night. He’s always willing to listen to the weird shit she has going on in her head, and never once does he judge her.
Ellie smiles as she watches Joel mutter to himself about the route for his next patrol. It’s not an overnight one (thankfully), but she knows that eventually he will be doing those. She is not looking forward to them herself, however. The two of them have spent almost every night together since they met, nearly 2 years ago now. She doesn’t even like having sleepovers in anyone else’s house here in Jackson, because she knows that Joel isn’t there to protect her. It’s stupid, she knows, that she’s so dependent on him, but she can’t help it. It’s Ellie and Joel, Joel and Ellie. They come as a package deal, not meant to be sold separately.
“What’re you staring at?” Joel pulls her from her thoughts, amusement on his face. A small smile plays at his lips.
She blinks before she answers. “Just your ugly mug,” she replies, turning her head to look at the map on the table in front of her for the first time since she arrived home. It’s a map of the area surrounding Jackson, with arrows and x’s drawn on it in pencil.
Joel laughs, and shifts slightly. Ellie knows that the position she’s sitting in can’t be comfortable for him, her sitting in his lap with her arms wrapped around his neck and her legs dangling off his left arm, not touching the floor. Regardless, he doesn’t complain or show any signs of discomfort.
He glances at the clock before sitting back slightly.
“We’d better start makin’ a move to the dining hall,” he says, and Ellie hopes that he doesn’t notice the way she stiffens slightly in his hold.
A beat of silence passes before she answers. “Okay,” she says, not moving from her place in his lap.
Another beat of silence, and Joel responds “Unless… you don’t want to go to the dining hall?” he raises his eyebrow slightly, like he’s testing the waters.
Ellie swallows. “No, it’s alright,” she nods, “I’ll go,”.
“You sure?” he asks.
“Yep,” she replies, already wriggling out of his lap and standing beside him.
He looks at her with a sort of concern written into his features. Ellie gives him her best smile to put him at ease. It works, because he relaxes slightly, and ruffles her hair as he stands.
(It doesn’t put her at ease, however)
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Going to the dining hall was a big mistake.
Everything started off fine, with Joel staying close too Ellie through the crowd of people, his hand reaching around her back, resting on her right shoulder, and her tucked safely beside him. They get their trays of food, and Joel gets her an extra portion of mashed potatoes. “If you don’t finish them, I’ll eat ‘em,” he says when she gives him a hesitant look, smiling down at her. Even after being in Jackson for a few months, she still feels guilty when she takes more than one portion of food, or doesn’t clear her plate. Tommy and Maria have explained to her multiple times that she is allowed to take as much as she wants, even if she doesn’t finish it all, but she still feels like she’s stealing. In FEDRA school, you got what you were given, nothing more. Sometimes, they would even give you less if you were being especially troublesome, as a cruel punishment. That’s why the idea of taking however much you want is so foreign to her, because never once in her life was she allowed to ask for more. Old habits die hard, she thinks.
It’s stew for dinner today, and while Ellie has made some improvements in her eating habits since living in Jackson, she sometimes asks Joel to eat a small bit of each piece of meat, just incase. Once again, he never complains, even though they get strange looks from some people. Directly in front of her sits a group of 17 and 18 year olds, who keep looking at her and giggling to each other. She hates it. She feels like a baby making Joel eat her food before her.
She grips her fork tightly, her knuckles going white. She feels like she’s in her nightmare again, with David eyeing her from across the dining hall. Stop thinking about that. You’re safe, she tells herself to make her feel better.
(It doesn’t)
She slowly starts to move her bowl back over so that it sits directly in front of her, and stops Joel when he tries to take a piece of meat. She purposely avoids his gaze, but can tell that he’s concerned. He’s watching her now, she knows, but being under his eye feels completely different from when David was watching her, and feels different to the looks from the group sitting across from her. She picks up her fork with a slight shake in her hand. She stabs a piece of meat with more ferocity than needed, and when she eats it herself, it settles uncomfortably in her stomach, making her feel sick.
“Ignore them,” Joel tells her when he realises what’s making her act different, and she feels her cheeks flush slightly out of embarrassment.
She doesn’t say anything in response, but she does wish that the group would stop staring. It’s like they’re staring right into her, almost as if they can read her mind and know how fucked up it is. She feels like she’s being examined, like they can see the inner workings of her body. She’s on show, and she feels her skin crawl at their scrutiny. It reminds her of being trapped in the cage again with an asshole outside of it, asking you to join him in his stupid fucking cannibal activities, saying how great of a team the two of you would make, how you could be “partners” in a way that makes her feel the bile rising in the back of her throat, because she’s only 15 years old, you fucking creep-
She doesn’t realise that she’s having a panic attack until she registers that she’s being moved outside, the evening light making her return to her body. She breathes a bit easier now that she’s left the dining hall, but her mind won’t stop. He’s here, he’s here, he’s here is all she thinks, and she tries to focus on what’s happening around her. She can tell that Joel’s in front of her, because through the sound of blood rushing through her ears and her heart pounding, she makes out a “babygirl” here and there, and can feel his solid hands on her shoulders, grounding her. She registers the t-shirt that she’s wearing - one of Joel’s, and it’s way too big for her, but it covers her body and sometimes that’s all she needs to feel a bit more comfortable - and the feeling of her jeans on her legs. She takes stock of the smells surrounding her - Joel’s scent of aftershave, wood and pine, the stables, the smell of pie wafting through the air.
She tries to get her breathing under control then, doing an exercise that one of the nurses in the hospital taught her - “Breathe in for 4, hold for 5 and out for 6. Works like magic for me,” she had said with a wink - and Ellie mentally thanks her for her help. Joel joins in with the breathing exercise, which makes it easier for Ellie to follow it. He knows not to crowd her when she’s having a panic attack, unless he wants a punch to the jaw - which is something that happened the first time she had a panic attack around him, and she felt so bad that she had started to cry. Joel assured her that it was okay, but she had felt a pang of guilt each time she looked at the purple and blue mark on his jaw - and so he stays an arms length away from her. She vaguely makes out that he’s telling her when to breathe in, hold and breathe out. Slowly, Ellie starts to calm down, and opens her eyes.
She registers Joel first, the consternation evident in his facial expression and body language. She realises that she’s gripping his wrists tightly, so much that when she lets go, her fingers hurt. She sees movement behind Joel, and Tommy and Maria appear from behind him. They too have worried expressions on their faces, and if Ellie didn’t feel so tired, she might make a joke to lighten the mood.
“You alright babygirl?” Joel asks her, moving his hands up to cup her face. She relishes in the contact, closing her eyes and leaning into the touch.
“I’m okay,” she opens her eyes to look at Joel in his eyes, “a little tired, but okay,”.
Joel pulls her in for a hug then, and Ellie lets him. She wraps her arms around his neck, and he leans back onto his heels so that she can hug him more comfortably. She tries not to think about the fact that they hugged the exact same way after he found her walking out of a burning building in the snow.
Ellie feels him release a breath, and he cradles her head with his hand. She relaxes fully against him, trusting him to hold her.
(Like always, he holds her until she moves back first)